A year ago, Father's Day

A year ago Father's day landed on June 17th, you ask, how do you know and why? Well I'll never forget 6/17/07 as long as I live, that was the night that our sweet little Tristan was conceived, now this father's day, my sweet and loving husband is celebrating this day with no son, with only the memory and pictures of what should have been.....Instead of looking at a picture of our son, and wishing, my husband should be playing with our son, throwing him up in the air and catching him while he just laughs and laughs, zerberting his little belly, til he wails in giggles.......kissing his little toes, and his little fingers, brushing his soft brown hair off his forehead so he can get a daddy kiss......But instead of all those wonderful things, this year, we will sit inside our closed house, probably with the drapes drawn shut, and just be together. My husband says that he feels that he don't deserve to celebrate this day, because he don't have his son, but he does, only he carries him in his heart and in his memories......That man would be the most awesome, sweetest, caring father, I could ever have dreamt of for my children..I do hope we get the chance to find out...I know that this father's day, there are so many men that will take this day for granted, will look at their kids, and say cool, look at the goofy tie I got this year, but you know, I can guarentee that my husband would give anything to have a stupid tie from his son......(although we will never get him a tie) I guess that I feel the most for the childless father's today and tomorrow, as everyday, because no parent that has never experienced this kind of pain, or loss, they don't know how hard it is to keep going, to hide behind that pain, to put on a smile everyday and face the world, only us, this club of grieving parents that no one wants to be in.. Step into any store in the world and search for a card, you'll NEVER find a card for a bereaved parent, why? Because the world doesn't want to accept, what we have to. They want us to move on, forget, and keep going...How the hell do you keep going, our child died, our precious baby boy, the baby we've longed for for so long, the boy, we've always wanted, the precious baby boy that looks just like his daddy, this is so unfair..All I've ever wanted was to make Aaron a daddy, and I have, but damnit, is it too much to ask to make him a daddy of a living child?

I would never ever wish this pain on any other human out there, cause it sucks, it hurts like nothing I've ever felt before, all I ask, is for the people that don't know what it's like please don't pass judgement on us, please don't expect us to move on, please don't be cold, just understand that we're in a pain that can't easily be squashed, I"m sorry........


Someone once told me that grief comes in waves, like an ocean, I believe that, and I also feel like I'm on the worst wooden rollercoaster ever, that I can't get off of, right now, I'm at the bottom of that rollercoaster, and it hurts, all I want to do is scream, to make this world stop moving, to make the earth stop orbiting around the moon, just to make everything pause, to maybe just allow us to catch our breaths, and catch up.......God say's that he won't give you more than you can handle, well I guess that's true, but I'm having a hell of a time handling this.....

I feel like I'm one that's just sitting here feeling sorry for myself and I hate that, but you know, it just seems as though this fog won't lift over me, this constant black cloud, that hovers 24/7, and lifts temporarily to let me laugh at something goofy one of my cats did....And that's another thing, wasn't it enough that we lost our son, but then we had to lose our precious Frodo as well, and lets not even forget our first 2 losses, the first back in Sept. 06, then Feb. 07, and now my precious Tristan......all because my body sucks, and apparently can't carry a baby....What's wrong with me??? Almost 5 months later and I can still express milk, it's torture, pure torture.....Although ask me if I would do it all over again if the outcome would be the same, and the answer is you're damn right I would, every single second of the 8 months, even if the outcome was the same, so long as I got to hold that precious little boy again, the only thing different I would do, is make sure to take more pictures, to keep him with us longer, maybe all night, I would have taken his clothes off, just to see his belly, and his little chest, and legs, I would take pictures of his little feet, I would make sure I seen Aaron hold him more, I would take pictures of father and son, that's my only regret, is that I don't have those pictures, I wanted pictures of father and son, of my husband holding his son, and I don't have those, there's a few with me holding him, but why not Aaron? Was I so selfish?

I know he don't read this, but Aaron you're an amazing man, and father, I know how you longed to hold your son, to read to him, and to take him hunting, and fishing and camping with you...You would teach him gun safety, and everything a man teaches his son.. I used to picture him standing on a stool, watching you shave pretending to shave too. I can't sit here and pretend that I understand completely how you feel, or how scared you were that day, the day we lost our son, the day you almost lost me, I wish you would open up to me more, but I know you're doing an amazing job on communicating with me, and you're doing so so much better on talking with me, thank you....

Tristan, sweet heart, send you daddy lots of angel kisses.....

Happy father's day honey......