Our Journey.....

January 2001, it was a cold, blistery, icy day in Oklahoma City, the day my future husband asked me to be his girl!!! March 31, 2006 was our wedding day.. We had decided that since we'd already been together for 5 years that we would immediately start trying for a baby. So in April that's what we did.. It took us 3 months and in July we were looking at a positive pregnancy test.. It was the 5th of July.. I remember thinking the 4th that I had to of been pregnant, as the beer just tasted horrible and I was wanting to sleep.. That pregnancy was not the easiest.. We started bleeding from the beginning, it was diagnosed a subchorionic hemorrhage.. It was a huge blood clot between the uterus and placenta.. Well fast forward to 12 weeks after getting off bed rest and having no more bleeding.. We had an ultrasound to find that our precious baby had passed on 3 weeks before.. I had what they called a missed abortion (you won't see me use this term as I HATE it..) So I had to schedule a d n c for the next day.. That morning around 4 am I woke up to severe pains and bleeding only to find out that my body had finally realized that it was miscarrying, so we got bumped up a few hours to do the d n c.. Our dr. sent the 'remains' off to the lab for genetic testing and he called a few weeks later to tell me that our baby was a healthy baby boy.. We named him Xavier Ahren. He was 9 weeks 5 days and our d n c was on 9/19/06.. We were told we could try after our first cycle, so we did, we got pregnant 4 months later, we were excited, yet nervous.. There was no bleeding and our number's were progressing well. Well at 5 weeks we had an u/s.. Nothing but a sac. We were told to come back 2 weeks later, at 7 weeks we went back and still there was only a sac, but a second sac was visible now too..The dr. thought he had seen a second sac at 5 weeks but we didn't think nothing of it.. We were told to come back in a week.. We went back at 8 weeks 3 days, still only a sac, that was starting to shrink, and the second sac completely gone.. We were diagnosed with a blighted ovum and decided to do a d n c right then instead of waiting.. We were devastated, again....We call this baby (well what should have been a baby) February, we needed closure.. well I needed closure) 4 months later, June 27, 2007 could it be? Yes it is, a big fat positive, I couldn't believe it, whoo-hoo we were pregnant again.. I was nervous as all get out, could barely stand myself I was so nervous. We had slight spotting at 5 weeks and went to the ER, only to be told we had a slight subchorionic hemorrhage, you can about guess my nerves shot straight through the roof, great here we go again.... I prepared myself to lose this baby too, but wait, it's 12 weeks and we're still pregnant, and there's a heartbeat?!?! Wow, 19 weeks and it's a BOY?!?! Is this for real? Is this really happening? We're going to be parents for real this time? Little did we know what God had in store for us....... January 21, 2008, Martin Luther King day, Monday, and the beginning of our 33rd week.. Everything started out great, Our little boy had woke me up at 5 am having a little kick-boxing tournament, this was the VERY FIRST time this had ever happened. I went about my morning, got on the computer, was fixing to start chatting with some girlfriends of mine, when I got the most oddest, most painful cramp I've ever gotten.. In all honesty I thought I had to go to the bathroom.. So I finished typing out what I had to say, and headed to the bathroom, the only thing was the pain was overwhelming, I was literally on my tip-toes.. (if I knew then what I know now, I would have just started pushing right then.... :( ) I sat down and hear a pop, gush....My first thought was Oh shit, my water just broke, I'm only 33 weeks, and we still have 7 weeks to go, ok, we can deal with NICU.. But then I look down.. The image I seen will forever haunt me, blood, and lots of it, I've never in all of my life seen so much blood as I did this day.. From here everything went down hill and FAST!! I stood up, grabbed some tissue and put it between my legs and ran to the living room, grabbed the phone, and called my husband, I was so scared, and deep inside, I knew he was gone...But I get a hold of him.. We talk he leaves work.. Well not thinking of the holiday it was I called my dr's office, no answer, I'm starting to feel faint and light headed, so I lay down on the floor, I called the ER and told them what was going on, all they could say is "why are you calling the er?" I just hung up.. Aaron called and was on the phone with 911 when he walked in the house.. He helped me to the living room couch where I laid down and was in so much pain, more pain than I ever imagined possible.. The paramedics showed up. finally.. Well apparently I got the pick of the day, 2 of the most ignorant, most hateful, degrading, pieces of crap people to come help us.. One was a rookie, and the other was a jerk.. The jerk asked me if I was pregnant? Duh, I'm 8 months freaking pregnant!! I'm huge!! He then says "Are you bleeding?" My reply was yes, his was well you miscarried......WHAT?!?! You're seriously going to tell a freaking 8 month pregnant woman that she just miscarried.. I already hated the idiot.. He then asks me if I can get up on my own and move to the gurney, sure I say, and as I do I throw up, he then thrust this bag in my face and say's "throw up in here not in my bus, I just cleaned it" they then proceed to wheel me out of my house, with no blanket on, just panties and a t-shirt.. I asked for my own blanket. Then they wheel me over the stepping stones instead of picking me up and carrying me, this hurt like you wouldn't believe the pain is still very vivid in my mind.. We'd already told them 2 times they've asked what hospital we were going to, twice, Women's and children's.. they get me in the ambulance, and pull out.. They didn't give me oxygen or anything except an iv. of saline.. I keep feeling the need to pass out, and gushes of blood coming out of me.. I told him that I felt like I was going to pass out, and he said there was nothing he could do, I was already laying down. So about this time I look out the window wondering why it's taking so long to get to my hospital, the idiots took me to the wrong hospital... . I keep feeling the need to close my eyes...just go to sleep.. Well they FINALLY get me to Women's and Children's, and upstairs to Labor and Delivery, where I coded, on the spot.. I remember the nurse checking me, and her saying that I was dialated 2 cm, and trying to find Tristan's heartbeat, it wasn't there.. I remember looking to Aaron and saying he's gone honey, my baby's gone, and Aaron, and the nurse both saying no he's probably hiding.. then I vaguely remember hearing Aaron say her eyes are rolling and the nurse saying Oh shit (as she hits the wall) and saying I need help in here.. (Later found out she called a code blue on me).. The next memories are in and out, and still comes back in flashes.. I remember waking in this room, very cold, and 2 people above my head, one woman on man, and I hear them saying we need to intibuate and start cpr, where is everyone at? I remember my dr. Dr. H standing next to me saying "Hi Shannon, it's me Dr. H and there's no fetal heart activity we need to operate immediately to find out where the bleed is before we lose you.. Then I felt him cut me, and everything went black.. The next thing I remember is waking up in the recovery room, looking up and seeing Aaron's face, and knowing that something was VERY wrong.. Then our social worker, Ms. Mary asked me if I would like to hold our son.....This was the first time I seen my little boy, he was gone, lifeless, but the most amazing creature I've ever seen, the most beautiful little boy.. Beings that I had a c section I had to stay in the hospital for a few days.. We were released, on Jan. 24, 2008 and it was hard leaving that hospital with only plants and a memory box full of Tristan's belongings, yet leaving him there.. This blog is full of the last 2 years and the years of battling infertility, and our journey to parent hood, if it's meant to be..
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Thursday, June 12, 2008

when will it stop hurting so bad




Why can't I just be happy? Why does it hurt so bad? When will the pain end? Granted some days are easy to deal with the pain and smile when I think of my son, or look at his pictures, and then there are days like today, when I feel like it's happening all over again and the pain is as raw as it was that day... I've noticed a lot of changes about me lately, I am not the same person, my fuse is shorter, I don't want to go anywhere, I don't want to let him go.....If I let him go, I'm afraid I'll forget. I don't want to forget that day for the life of me, ever, I don't want to forget the scariness that I almost died too, because that was part of his birth, I don't want to forget, his little wrinkle in his toe, or the soft feel of his cheek, or the velvety feeling of his hair...I don't want to forget him, I don't want to forget the way he felt in my arms, but I'm afraid I am, and it's killing me, what kind of mother forgets these things? I don't want to forget the severe cramp, or bleeding, because that's forgetting how he got here, I don't want to let him go, I want him back, Why can't I just have him back? I miss him so much and this is fucking killing me, I'm just a shell of the woman I was just 4.5 months ago, I'm a shell of a woman I was 2 years ago when I married my husband....why do the months continue on? Doesn't the world see that I'm suffering and the world just keeps speeding by, it can't even slow down enough to allow me to catch up....I hate me......I hate the woman I've become, I'm angry, bitter, say mean things to people when I just should let it go, (but when that someone hurt my family (little sister) I just can't let it go, but I certainly shouldn't have said some of the things I said to him).. Why am I so jealous of my dearest friends, that's getting surprises of being pg with # 2, that should make me beyond thrilled for them, which I am no doubt about it, our little "family's" continuing to grow, but, I apologize when I say this, it hurts like hell, just like my family, they're having babies left and right,and I get told when I'm feeling down about it, oh well you're not trying anyway, like just because we're not actively ttc, that should take the sting away, it don't, it makes it harder because if we were actively ttc, we would be pg by now, I'm sure of it.......But we've opted to get my mouth taken care of before ttc again...... I just really shouldn't even be worrying about ttc, I should be taking care of an almost 5 month old baby, worrying about getting some good sleep, starting solids, speaking his baby language, babbling, possibly crawling, but nope, I'm curled up on my couch bawling my eyes out day after day for a son that I will never get to do anything with.....Why does it have to hurt so badly??? Father's day is approaching, a year ago father's day, Tristan was conceived, this was supposed to be a very blessed and happy father's day, as it was Aaron's first, and even though it still is, he's a childless father this year, and it hurts me like hell to see the pain in his eyes, the tears that well up but never fall, the crack in his voice, GOD DO YOU HEAR ME?????? IT HURTS, IT HURTS LIKE HELL!!

I am having a hard time remembering what it felt like to be pregnant........that fucking sucks........

Every day is a battle, a battle to get up, to shower, to excercise, and even eat sometimes.......well let me rephrase that every day is a battle but some days the battle isn't as hard to win, but most it is......

Tristan,
mommy and daddy loves you so much, I still can't bring myself to wash your little outfit, I'm afraid to, I want your smell to forever stay in it, but now it's getting so dusty..but still I can't wash it. I smell you every day, I talk to you every day, did you see the little toy that daddy bought you, it's so cute, I think you'd just laugh at it!! I hope that you're playing with Xavier and your other little brother/sister, and of course I hope you're playing with our little Frodo, he's a character huh?? Baby, mommy and daddy want to ask you to give great Granny, Grandma Goodwin (rainbow gma) Grandpa Goodwin, Maw Maw, Grandpa Warner, and everyone else up there lots and lots of kisses from us...We miss you terribly and love you with every inch of our being precious boy!!
Love mommy and daddy.....

I made this image for my husband for father's day, he loves it,
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Rest in Peace Mommy

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