The 31st marks 9 years that we'll be married. In April, we started our journey to become parents. God has yes had blessed us with 3 angels that we'll get to see, hold and play with one day.
But today, was just another reminder that at this point our answer just really maybe is a no. And as hard as it is, I am okay if it is. But the not knowing, and understanding is heart crushing. Month after month, year after year. It has been 7 years since I have felt life inside of me.. it just sucks,and I am getting so tired. I just want this journey to go somewhere, either no, or yes, but something. I can't determine how much longer that I can hang on to this dream, I'm getting to the point that I'm ready to move on from this dream. Every one I know and have met along the way has pretty much finished having babie and their families are complete. But, really what do I expect?
It's been 9 years. I'm not super sad anymore, more used to it and numb now. There are no more tears, just acceptance, that maybe I'm not meant to be a mother. And yet, drug addicts, baby rapers, mothers who murder, father's who murder, parents who abandon their kids, reproduce like rabbits, but I digress....But, whatever God's plan is, I am okay with it, I will be okay.
I hurt for my husband more than anything, because this man is such a wonderful man, he deserves so much to have a mini him running next to him!!!
I am also, so very tired of hearing people tell me one day. Or your day is coming. for 6 years I've held onto that, and now, I'm not so sure anymore.Don't get me wrong my faith is strong, but with faith comes acceptance.
So, as we embark on this 9th year both in marriage, and trying to conceive, we pray that God's will is for us to finally start our family, but regardless, I'm ready to see what lies ahead, and am excited to see what God does have in store for us.
Sunday, March 22, 2015
Friday, June 20, 2014
What did I do wrong?
Broken and shattered I am no more, sad and torn I continue to be. Wondering what I did wrong, wondering why we've been forgotten. In the sea of hurt still left lingering on hope and faith. Slowly dwindling away is my faith and my hope, dreams shattered and left on wondering hearts.
A life chasing a love that never was finally found in 2001. A man who loves unconditionally, doesn't abuse, doesn't hurt, and doesn't deny me as his own. I married this man who loved me so, in 2006 I became whole, I became a survivor of a lifetime of abuse, judgement and pain, this man rescued me and loved me for me. What did I do to deserve such a blessing, only to leave him with years of loss and infertility. I am not broken per say, but given a body that is. What did I do wrong?
I believe in my heart God has a better plan, everyone says it will happen, yet still doesn't. 8 years now we've been on a roller coaster, winding up and down flipping through the days, wondering what did I do wrong? I believe in my heart that God has a better plan, but still I sit here in wonder, did I do something wrong? I live by faith, by hope and love for that is all that I have. I cry for my husband for he deserves more than this pain. Again I scream to the heavens, GOD WHAT DID I DO WRONG?
Lord, I see daily those that abuse, that live off and expect others to take care of their kids, that murder, and cry insanity, yet I sit here with a heart full of love to give to a child that I may never have, again I cry what did I do so wrong?
A lifetime of hurt, I ask you God when does it end? What did I do to deserve nothing but heartache and pain? My entire life has been riddled with angst, and yet here I am still forgiving those, still holding on, knowing that my day may never come, all I have ever dreamt of was being a mommy, giving the love that fills my heart to a child so they never feel the childhood I did. God what did I do wrong?
Time is running short Lord, my age is getting up there, my hope is wearing thin, tired of running on auto-pilot. Tired of saying I'm fine when I'm not, tired of pain month after month, tired of seeing heartache on my beautiful husbands face. Failing him time and time again, wondering what did I do wrong?
A life chasing a love that never was finally found in 2001. A man who loves unconditionally, doesn't abuse, doesn't hurt, and doesn't deny me as his own. I married this man who loved me so, in 2006 I became whole, I became a survivor of a lifetime of abuse, judgement and pain, this man rescued me and loved me for me. What did I do to deserve such a blessing, only to leave him with years of loss and infertility. I am not broken per say, but given a body that is. What did I do wrong?
I believe in my heart God has a better plan, everyone says it will happen, yet still doesn't. 8 years now we've been on a roller coaster, winding up and down flipping through the days, wondering what did I do wrong? I believe in my heart that God has a better plan, but still I sit here in wonder, did I do something wrong? I live by faith, by hope and love for that is all that I have. I cry for my husband for he deserves more than this pain. Again I scream to the heavens, GOD WHAT DID I DO WRONG?
Lord, I see daily those that abuse, that live off and expect others to take care of their kids, that murder, and cry insanity, yet I sit here with a heart full of love to give to a child that I may never have, again I cry what did I do so wrong?
A lifetime of hurt, I ask you God when does it end? What did I do to deserve nothing but heartache and pain? My entire life has been riddled with angst, and yet here I am still forgiving those, still holding on, knowing that my day may never come, all I have ever dreamt of was being a mommy, giving the love that fills my heart to a child so they never feel the childhood I did. God what did I do wrong?
Time is running short Lord, my age is getting up there, my hope is wearing thin, tired of running on auto-pilot. Tired of saying I'm fine when I'm not, tired of pain month after month, tired of seeing heartache on my beautiful husbands face. Failing him time and time again, wondering what did I do wrong?
Thursday, March 27, 2014
Haunting Words
Do you have a gift that sometimes is so haunting you wish you didn't have? I know our God doesn't make mistakes when he hands out these gifts, sometimes I just wish mine wasn't so strong.
Intuition, gut feeling, whatever you wish to call it, sometimes I wish mine was wrong more than right. There is one time in particular that is truly haunting me right now as we near closer to our 8 year trying to conceive anniversary. A conversation I had with a dear friend, I'll call her M. She and I were the last 2 to yet get pregnant out of our wonderful group of 35. I told her matter of factly not to worry, she would get her rainbow before me, that I would be the last one still trying. Boy, that's one time I'm sorry M, I wish I had been wrong. While everyone in that group of 35 has gone on to have their 2nd or 3rd "Rainbow", I'm still waiting on 1 living. It's been 8 years, 8 very long years, with a history of loss and infertility. I don't talk about it much anymore, because what's the point? I know I burnt everyone out, I had to of. I got pretty obsessed with ttc for the longest time. I know that God has his reasons, and his plans. And no matter what those plans hold for us, we're ok, and we will still love God with all our hearts.
But yes, those words haunt me. Another example of this sometimes haunting gift is when I was 30 weeks and in the hospital with a stomach bug, I was placed in the L&D ward as there were no other beds available, I was walking around my room and walked up to the table they put the baby on to clean them/ and read the apgar scores. When I seen the score card, my fingers ran across it as I closed my eyes and whispered my son will have 0 apgars. Not understanding that at the time I immediately rebuked Satan. But that was a gift God gave me I think to allow me to have and enjoy the last most precious 3 weeks of hiccups, kicks, rolls, etc.. But it was haunting nonetheless. There have been many others.
One thing that is not haunting about it, is when I have a feeling about someone, something, my gut is 99% right 99% of the time.
Intuition, gut feeling, whatever you wish to call it, sometimes I wish mine was wrong more than right. There is one time in particular that is truly haunting me right now as we near closer to our 8 year trying to conceive anniversary. A conversation I had with a dear friend, I'll call her M. She and I were the last 2 to yet get pregnant out of our wonderful group of 35. I told her matter of factly not to worry, she would get her rainbow before me, that I would be the last one still trying. Boy, that's one time I'm sorry M, I wish I had been wrong. While everyone in that group of 35 has gone on to have their 2nd or 3rd "Rainbow", I'm still waiting on 1 living. It's been 8 years, 8 very long years, with a history of loss and infertility. I don't talk about it much anymore, because what's the point? I know I burnt everyone out, I had to of. I got pretty obsessed with ttc for the longest time. I know that God has his reasons, and his plans. And no matter what those plans hold for us, we're ok, and we will still love God with all our hearts.
But yes, those words haunt me. Another example of this sometimes haunting gift is when I was 30 weeks and in the hospital with a stomach bug, I was placed in the L&D ward as there were no other beds available, I was walking around my room and walked up to the table they put the baby on to clean them/ and read the apgar scores. When I seen the score card, my fingers ran across it as I closed my eyes and whispered my son will have 0 apgars. Not understanding that at the time I immediately rebuked Satan. But that was a gift God gave me I think to allow me to have and enjoy the last most precious 3 weeks of hiccups, kicks, rolls, etc.. But it was haunting nonetheless. There have been many others.
One thing that is not haunting about it, is when I have a feeling about someone, something, my gut is 99% right 99% of the time.
Tuesday, January 21, 2014
Happy Birthday
6 years, I can't believe it's been 6 years since we've held you in our arms. 6 years since we last felt you move, 6 years since we said hello and goodbye to the most beautiful little boy we've ever laid our eyes on. You, our son have taught us so very much these last 6 years. You have taught your mommy about a love that I had only ever heard of in fairy tales. You've taught me a level of compassion I never fathomed possible. And you've taught me, that there is a whole community of mommy's and daddy's that's lost their babies. You've taught me, that although it's still not fully accepted, it's more accepted today than even 30 years ago. You've taught me there are many wonderful people out there, and just as many hurtful and cruel people. But mostly you've taught me that I want, desire,and long to have a closer relationship with Christ. Watching your daddy grow into a Godlier man is truly a blessing in and of itself.
We often find ourselves wondering what tomorrow may hold, when our time to be earthly parents is to come. But then I find myself in wonder knowing it's already been promised, and it's not my choice when it happens. God is truly amazing and the way he has allowed
While this part of
"Let the children come to me, for the Kingdom of God belongs to such as they. Don't send them away! I tell you as seriously as I know how that anyone who refuses to come to God as a little child will never be allowed into his Kingdom"
Mark 10:14-15
You made all the delicate, inner parts of my body, and knit them together in my mother's womb.
Psalms 139:13
You saw me before I was born and scheduled each day of my life before I began to breathe. Every day was recorded in your Book!
Psalms 139:16
Happy 6th Heavenly Birthday my precious angel!!! Mommy and daddy love you so much. We miss you terribly!! Keep watch for your balloons this afternoon my sweet lil' dragonfly!!!
Saturday, January 18, 2014
3 days...
My dearest Tristan,
My son,
How we have dearly missed you. It seems our love for you continues to grow daily. In 3 days we will be celebrating your 6th birthday earthly and heavenly. My mind wonders back to that day, Jan. 21, 2008 5:45 am, you're so very active, you wake me up for the very first time in our pregnancy. Looking back I realize now that I likely had a silent tear already, and you were warning me. But at the time, I just laid there awake, feeling you move, thanking God for you and just enjoying watching you kick and roll in me like some kick-boxing tournament. Hind-sight is 20/20 they say. Fast forward to 11:30-12 o'clockish and all hell breaks loose, the pain, oh the pain, the most intense, excruciating pain I've ever experienced, and thinking about it, I can almost feel it again, and the fear that came with the pain. I will never forget that feeling although some days I would really love to, that fear haunts me. I pray to this day for God to release me of that fear, but it still creeps in.
I remember like it was yesterday what it felt like when I stood up, an trying to walk, never in my life had I had a pain that put me on my tip toes to walk. Then the sights, the blood, the sound of a train rushing in my ears as my blood hemorrhages out of my body at a very rapid rate. I know how much blood we have in our body, (don't ask me for exact numbers right now but..) And the amount of blood I seen scared me. I was in and out of consciousness, I was very scared. I hadn't felt you move in quite a long time, or so it felt. In all actuality by the time the EMTs got there, only 30 min. had passed. But, then that's another story I refuse to relive cause it just angers mommy. But finally when we got to the hospital, I learned of your demise, that was the most pain, greater than the physical pain that my body had endured, this was torture. Someone placed my heart in a vice grip and was tightening it to the tightest it could go. You were not coming home with mommy and daddy, God had called you home to his Kingdom. And while we couldn't have you in a better place, that was the worst feeling. It's taken mommy a long time to come to the point where I kind of understand. I realize that your life was planned from the beginning. But mommy is human, and selfish. I miss you terribly. I imagine you sometimes, I imagine you being quite ornery. Much like I was at your age. lol. I see you in my mind growing up in heaven as you would have here on earth, although I know you are still my tiny little newborn 4 lb. 7.8 oz 17" long little dragonfly. I think it just helps mommy 'cope' on the sad days to see you in my minds eye as the soon to be 6 year old you would be. Imagining how we would be parenting you. How your laughter would fill this home. I imagine your laughter filling the heavens. And that makes mommy giggle. I imagine your grammy just tickling you and you just laughing that belly laugh I imagined you would have had.
I can't explain how different my grief for you is now from the extreme raw dark place it was 6 years ago. I am sad, but not broken. I long for you in the ways I'm sure every single mommy out there that has lost a child at any age longs for that child back. Parents are supposed to go first, that's just the way it should be, but our Lord has his reasons for planning such short lives for his chosen angels. None of us will ever have these answers, til we are sitting in our Fathers kingdom. Some days, it can be hard to remind myself of that, but I do. I love you son, I love you more and more every day, I don't know how that is even possible since you're not even here, but I still feel you all around. My heart swells with pride when I talk about you. You know some parents get to say "My kids an honor roll kid" I get to say "My kids an ANGEL in the Kingdom of Heaven" I think that trumps the honor roll aspect huh kiddo? You get to sit by our God!!
I can still feel you in my arms, I can still smell you, and I don't even have to hold my Molly Bears to feel you, or open a bottle of baby lotion, I can just close my eyes, and we're back in that hospital room, and I am looking at the most beautiful, the most peaceful, the most soft skinned, sweet perfect baby boy in my arms, and I am in like an outer body experience, like there is no way this beautiful creature came from us, and 2 I can't believe he's gone, you're not coming home. But you did go home didn't you sweet boy!! I love you my son, I love you more than there are stars in the skys.
Love and missing you always
Mommy and Daddy
My son,
How we have dearly missed you. It seems our love for you continues to grow daily. In 3 days we will be celebrating your 6th birthday earthly and heavenly. My mind wonders back to that day, Jan. 21, 2008 5:45 am, you're so very active, you wake me up for the very first time in our pregnancy. Looking back I realize now that I likely had a silent tear already, and you were warning me. But at the time, I just laid there awake, feeling you move, thanking God for you and just enjoying watching you kick and roll in me like some kick-boxing tournament. Hind-sight is 20/20 they say. Fast forward to 11:30-12 o'clockish and all hell breaks loose, the pain, oh the pain, the most intense, excruciating pain I've ever experienced, and thinking about it, I can almost feel it again, and the fear that came with the pain. I will never forget that feeling although some days I would really love to, that fear haunts me. I pray to this day for God to release me of that fear, but it still creeps in.
I remember like it was yesterday what it felt like when I stood up, an trying to walk, never in my life had I had a pain that put me on my tip toes to walk. Then the sights, the blood, the sound of a train rushing in my ears as my blood hemorrhages out of my body at a very rapid rate. I know how much blood we have in our body, (don't ask me for exact numbers right now but..) And the amount of blood I seen scared me. I was in and out of consciousness, I was very scared. I hadn't felt you move in quite a long time, or so it felt. In all actuality by the time the EMTs got there, only 30 min. had passed. But, then that's another story I refuse to relive cause it just angers mommy. But finally when we got to the hospital, I learned of your demise, that was the most pain, greater than the physical pain that my body had endured, this was torture. Someone placed my heart in a vice grip and was tightening it to the tightest it could go. You were not coming home with mommy and daddy, God had called you home to his Kingdom. And while we couldn't have you in a better place, that was the worst feeling. It's taken mommy a long time to come to the point where I kind of understand. I realize that your life was planned from the beginning. But mommy is human, and selfish. I miss you terribly. I imagine you sometimes, I imagine you being quite ornery. Much like I was at your age. lol. I see you in my mind growing up in heaven as you would have here on earth, although I know you are still my tiny little newborn 4 lb. 7.8 oz 17" long little dragonfly. I think it just helps mommy 'cope' on the sad days to see you in my minds eye as the soon to be 6 year old you would be. Imagining how we would be parenting you. How your laughter would fill this home. I imagine your laughter filling the heavens. And that makes mommy giggle. I imagine your grammy just tickling you and you just laughing that belly laugh I imagined you would have had.
I can't explain how different my grief for you is now from the extreme raw dark place it was 6 years ago. I am sad, but not broken. I long for you in the ways I'm sure every single mommy out there that has lost a child at any age longs for that child back. Parents are supposed to go first, that's just the way it should be, but our Lord has his reasons for planning such short lives for his chosen angels. None of us will ever have these answers, til we are sitting in our Fathers kingdom. Some days, it can be hard to remind myself of that, but I do. I love you son, I love you more and more every day, I don't know how that is even possible since you're not even here, but I still feel you all around. My heart swells with pride when I talk about you. You know some parents get to say "My kids an honor roll kid" I get to say "My kids an ANGEL in the Kingdom of Heaven" I think that trumps the honor roll aspect huh kiddo? You get to sit by our God!!
I can still feel you in my arms, I can still smell you, and I don't even have to hold my Molly Bears to feel you, or open a bottle of baby lotion, I can just close my eyes, and we're back in that hospital room, and I am looking at the most beautiful, the most peaceful, the most soft skinned, sweet perfect baby boy in my arms, and I am in like an outer body experience, like there is no way this beautiful creature came from us, and 2 I can't believe he's gone, you're not coming home. But you did go home didn't you sweet boy!! I love you my son, I love you more than there are stars in the skys.
Love and missing you always
Mommy and Daddy
A fortune from a Chinese fortune cookie
1.16.14 I opened the fortune that hit me deep. I can't exactly explain in words the way the words hit me. So I will just share, and see if it hits you the same way it hit me.
" Only put off until tomorrow what you are willing to die having left undone"
" Only put off until tomorrow what you are willing to die having left undone"
2014 Resolution/Goal
1. To love and grow in Christ.
2. To be a calmer person ( I can get upset easily)
3. To be happy.
4. To be healthy.
5. To continue to love being in love with my husband. I couldn't have asked for a better husband. I have truly been very blessed.
He is very attentive.
He is caring ( I really wish there was a better word, because his care goes beyond what I deserve)
He is sensitive.
He is very sexy.
He is pretty romantic.
He respects me.
He loves me unconditionally.
He is absolutely without a doubt, everything that I ever prayed for and more!!
2. To be a calmer person ( I can get upset easily)
3. To be happy.
4. To be healthy.
5. To continue to love being in love with my husband. I couldn't have asked for a better husband. I have truly been very blessed.
He is very attentive.
He is caring ( I really wish there was a better word, because his care goes beyond what I deserve)
He is sensitive.
He is very sexy.
He is pretty romantic.
He respects me.
He loves me unconditionally.
He is absolutely without a doubt, everything that I ever prayed for and more!!
Tuesday, December 24, 2013
6 years ago
6
years ago we were so very excited. Christmas was filled special 'little
boy' gifts. 6 years ago we were eagerly awaiting your arrival,
preparing your nursery. 6 years ago I was filled with a joy I never
imagined possible and ignorance was
bliss. Today is different, I have joy, but nothing like when you were
here. There is a huge hole in my heart with your precious name on it. I
have grown, I have healed the way mothers heal, there is still a
band-aid over that wound, but I know that you're in the arms of Jesus
and grammy, and mommy couldn't ask for a better Christmas for you. But
mommy misses you, I wonder what would you be like, would you be like
your daddy? Would you be like me? I imagine you'd be of your own little
self, full of wonder and life. I imagine you being so excited to see
what Santa was going to bring you. I imagine being in the kitchen with
you making Santa's cookies, and you setting up his cup of milk and
setting out carrots and an apple for the reindeer. I imagine you running
down the stairs coming into mommy and daddy's room to let us know that
the jolly fella had stopped by. So many things we've missed seeing you
do, but I imagine them all. I can picture you in so many ways it's not
even funny. The rawness is completely gone, but your memory is still
alive all around us. God has carried daddy and I through to a new us,
an us where the pain is not as great as it was 5 years, 11 months, and 3
days ago. I don't know who I would be today had we never been blessed
with you, you have taught me a love like no other. You've given me a
dream I hope to fulfill, you have blessed me with empathy,sympathy and
the need to help others on their journeys of loss. You served your
purpose on this earth, my son even in the shortest amount of time you
were here, you have been a blessing more than any other. God thank you
for allowing us to be the earthly parents of our Tristan, and thank you
God for your favor and continued healing. I don't know what it's like to
see your children's face light up on Christmas morning, but I pray
daily that God allows us that. I thank you Jesus for taking my son to a
better place, and never allowing him to see the evils of this world.
Even though his daddy and I miss him every single day of our lives.
Thank you family and friends for your continued prayers. We love you and wish you a VERY MERRY CHRISTMAS.
Thank you family and friends for your continued prayers. We love you and wish you a VERY MERRY CHRISTMAS.
Wednesday, January 2, 2013
Happy New and Blessed Year!!
Oh I just know this is going to be a year full of blessings. God tells us to claim it, and I have. I am ready to accept God's guidance more and more! I have been happy, and I am getting happier. I still find myself feeling pangs of guilt when I'm extra happy, I chalk it up to remaining survivor's guilt, and that's ok, I'm still healing, every single day, I'm still healing. Those around me, though can attest that I've come almost full circle. I can see the laughter in my own eyes coming back, and for the first time ever, I can fully admit, that I was so terrified that I was not coming back, that I would never find myself out of that painful darkness I fell into after losing my 3rd child. I seriously wanted to die, I was self sabotaging myself with food. Seriously. I was bored, I'd eat, I was sad, mad, whatever, I would eat, and there were times (I'm kinda embarrassed to admit this, but here goes) that I would literally pile butter high, and anything else. Not all the time for the most part I tried eating healthy, but when no one was around, and I was alone, I would eat, and eat, and eat, and eat I wouldn't stop. I wanted to die, I felt that I deserved to die. Everything was a fight, I was constantly arguing with my husband, my mother, you name it I was negative. I was not a pleasant person, and I owe my everlasting love and gratitude to those who never left my side, and was on that phone every time, or rushing to my aid when I was so beside myself I couldn't breath. I don't know why, but a lot of the rawness, and darkness seems so distant, but like a faded memory I still feel so sad when thinking about it, and how the people around me that loves me felt so helpless. I wish my momma was here so that I could apologize for being so negative and angry with God.But I know she's got the best seat to it all!!!
I am not going to list everyone's name, I am however going to say you all know who you are and I LOVE YOU!!! I appreciate you!!
Now on to this year, so far to date, this year I've lost 66# and can proudly say that I am weighing in at 180.2 that is awesome since at the beginning of the year I was 20ish, and in August I was 246. My body seems to be getting back to what used to be normal and that's exciting!! I'm feeling better, I'm getting closer to God, and starting to enjoy life as god gives it to me. I'm going to vow to treasure every moment, that God blesses us with. Our prayers are being answered slowly but in His time!! ;) There is still childish family drama, but that's no longer my burden, as I've given it all, and all involved over to God, so that He may release me of the stress, worries, fears, and heartache. I am positive that God is going to bless us with a little one this year, I feel really really positive!! And that's ok if it don't happen this year, I feel it's nearing!! ;) :) And boy are we looking forward to the day we're holding our living, breathing pink healthy baby in our arms.
While everything is still not perfect, especially on the family front, so I ask that you continue to pray with me for salvation in my family, for peace, and for growth. I appreciate it.
I am really looking forward to what this year is going to bring. Tomorrow A and I will celebrate our 12th anniversary from when we started dating. It's hard to believe that it's been 12 years, and I still sometimes feel like a giddy girl when I see him. I am blessed that he is mine, granted on loan, but still God loaned him to me, and I couldn't be more blessed. Sure we have our issues, but in the grand scheme of things, he is my soul mate. I love him, even when I could throttle him, he is my sweetie. He loves me, respects me, and honors me in every essence of the word. He has been a true blessing in my life!!
I close this with my prayer for all to have the most blessed of years, may your dreams come true, and may you not struggle to make ends meet. May God wrap you all in His loving grace and heal all who are sick, those struggling with addiction, and those that are well. May God keep us all safe from harm, and may blessings always find you with every door that opens.
Good night my readers, and God bless you all!
Love,
Shannon
I am not going to list everyone's name, I am however going to say you all know who you are and I LOVE YOU!!! I appreciate you!!
Now on to this year, so far to date, this year I've lost 66# and can proudly say that I am weighing in at 180.2 that is awesome since at the beginning of the year I was 20ish, and in August I was 246. My body seems to be getting back to what used to be normal and that's exciting!! I'm feeling better, I'm getting closer to God, and starting to enjoy life as god gives it to me. I'm going to vow to treasure every moment, that God blesses us with. Our prayers are being answered slowly but in His time!! ;) There is still childish family drama, but that's no longer my burden, as I've given it all, and all involved over to God, so that He may release me of the stress, worries, fears, and heartache. I am positive that God is going to bless us with a little one this year, I feel really really positive!! And that's ok if it don't happen this year, I feel it's nearing!! ;) :) And boy are we looking forward to the day we're holding our living, breathing pink healthy baby in our arms.
While everything is still not perfect, especially on the family front, so I ask that you continue to pray with me for salvation in my family, for peace, and for growth. I appreciate it.
I am really looking forward to what this year is going to bring. Tomorrow A and I will celebrate our 12th anniversary from when we started dating. It's hard to believe that it's been 12 years, and I still sometimes feel like a giddy girl when I see him. I am blessed that he is mine, granted on loan, but still God loaned him to me, and I couldn't be more blessed. Sure we have our issues, but in the grand scheme of things, he is my soul mate. I love him, even when I could throttle him, he is my sweetie. He loves me, respects me, and honors me in every essence of the word. He has been a true blessing in my life!!
I close this with my prayer for all to have the most blessed of years, may your dreams come true, and may you not struggle to make ends meet. May God wrap you all in His loving grace and heal all who are sick, those struggling with addiction, and those that are well. May God keep us all safe from harm, and may blessings always find you with every door that opens.
Good night my readers, and God bless you all!
Love,
Shannon
Monday, July 23, 2012
The clouds and you...
Today while I was outside playing with the dogs, I sat back and was watching the clouds. We have some really fluffy, storm clouds coming through. I love to do this. Well today, there you were, that perfect little sleeping face, the face I stared at til I memorized every detail of. That beautiful little face that I kissed goodbye.. there you were in the shape of the clouds. It was a beautiful feeling, but oh son how it made me yearn to hold you in my arms again. To kiss your little forehead. To feel your little fingers over mine. I closed my eyes and remembered the day I held you the little boy we have dreamed of having. The perfect little boy.. I miss you so much and I know daddy misses you just as much. We love you every second, of every day my sweet baby!!
Wednesday, July 11, 2012
Confused....
How can one be so happy, calm, and peaceful, thanking God constantly for my many blessings, yet so sad, jealous, and broken all at the same time? I never say anything because I think it's selfish. I am not a selfish person, so really please if anyone takes this the wrong way I apologize ahead of time.
Let me start out by saying that I am SO SO SO happy for each and every mommy out there, especially rainbow mommy's. I wait on baited breath these days, (kinda have for the last 6 years,) for every baby to be born awake, healthy and alive. I pray and thank God for these tiny blessings, but the selfish side of me is so jealous, I long so badly for a child of our own, to raise as God's child, to love, and treasure that blessing. I truly feel like an asshole when those selfish tears fall, which is always after my happy and relieved tears fall for that baby born.
I find myself confused and full of wonder. I wonder why we can't have a baby. I wonder if God has forgotten about Aaron and I. I wonder if God thinks I won't be a good mother. I wonder if continuing on is even worth it. Why continue torturing my husband and myself month after month for how many more years? Everyone always says one day it will happen, I try and believe that, and for the most part I do, but there's always my 'inner critic' doubting everything. I am so ashamed to have these feelings, but I guess if I didn't have them I wouldn't be human right? Throughout the last 6 years I have watched almost everyone I know, family, friends, etc.. has had babies, I just wish I was amongst them. Some days it's hard to log into even facebook but I always get a little chuckle out of at least a few of the kiddo's out there. :) I just really don't know what to do with these feelings. I don't know when we stop this journey and just live and be happy with each other and our fur-babies... I hate seeing the sadness wash across Aaron's face month after month, and I know he hates seeing it across mine. I just don't know where we go as far as ttc anymore. Yes, we are saving for an IUI, but what if that's not successful? In this economy, it's going to take a while to save up for IVF/adoption..
Then you have to wonder, should we just call it quits on wanting a child because of this economy and the way this country is headed? Is it going to be safe for our children?
So where do we go? That will depend on many things I'm sure. I am just tired. I haven't temped in so long, I just am ready to quit. Quit thinking about it, to shut that little nagging voice up, you know the one, 'oh it's fertile week, time for opk's.' blah blah blah....
Anyway, enough out of me today, I'm just in a confused mood. I can't understand why I am so sad for myself, when I have so many other blessings around me.
Let me start out by saying that I am SO SO SO happy for each and every mommy out there, especially rainbow mommy's. I wait on baited breath these days, (kinda have for the last 6 years,) for every baby to be born awake, healthy and alive. I pray and thank God for these tiny blessings, but the selfish side of me is so jealous, I long so badly for a child of our own, to raise as God's child, to love, and treasure that blessing. I truly feel like an asshole when those selfish tears fall, which is always after my happy and relieved tears fall for that baby born.
I find myself confused and full of wonder. I wonder why we can't have a baby. I wonder if God has forgotten about Aaron and I. I wonder if God thinks I won't be a good mother. I wonder if continuing on is even worth it. Why continue torturing my husband and myself month after month for how many more years? Everyone always says one day it will happen, I try and believe that, and for the most part I do, but there's always my 'inner critic' doubting everything. I am so ashamed to have these feelings, but I guess if I didn't have them I wouldn't be human right? Throughout the last 6 years I have watched almost everyone I know, family, friends, etc.. has had babies, I just wish I was amongst them. Some days it's hard to log into even facebook but I always get a little chuckle out of at least a few of the kiddo's out there. :) I just really don't know what to do with these feelings. I don't know when we stop this journey and just live and be happy with each other and our fur-babies... I hate seeing the sadness wash across Aaron's face month after month, and I know he hates seeing it across mine. I just don't know where we go as far as ttc anymore. Yes, we are saving for an IUI, but what if that's not successful? In this economy, it's going to take a while to save up for IVF/adoption..
Then you have to wonder, should we just call it quits on wanting a child because of this economy and the way this country is headed? Is it going to be safe for our children?
So where do we go? That will depend on many things I'm sure. I am just tired. I haven't temped in so long, I just am ready to quit. Quit thinking about it, to shut that little nagging voice up, you know the one, 'oh it's fertile week, time for opk's.' blah blah blah....
Anyway, enough out of me today, I'm just in a confused mood. I can't understand why I am so sad for myself, when I have so many other blessings around me.
Thursday, May 3, 2012
THANK YOU
We can't even begin to express our gratitude for all your love, support and donations.. I just got off the phone with the RE and was told about the IUI in more detail, and what a ball park of our costs would be.. We are so close thanks to your donations.. It's going to cost roughly $900 for meds (since my ovaries haven't responded to the lower doses, they're going higher). And it's $1200 for monitoring and IUI!! That means we're $1200 away from our first IUI!! I can't even begin to tell you how excited we are, and blessed that so many of you care so much about us that you've helped us.. I can't wait til the day we have our little Rainbow, and sharing him/her with you!! And you all getting to watch them grow, because of you!!!
So many words are jumbling my brain I can't get them out fast enough to tell you how gracious and blessed we are to have such an amazing support group. So thank you, everyone who has shared our journey with your friends and family, who has donated, who has prayed, written me, and supported me, listened to me cry on the phone Mrs. Hazelton, Mrs. Brooks!!! You have no idea what your love means to me. What your graciousness has done and continues to do for us.. You've made this journey seem a little shorter, with a glaring light at the end of what was once a very dark and dreary tunnel.. So thank you for continuing to walk this journey with us, and sharing our story!!!
We love and appreciate you all from the bottom of our hearts!!!
So many words are jumbling my brain I can't get them out fast enough to tell you how gracious and blessed we are to have such an amazing support group. So thank you, everyone who has shared our journey with your friends and family, who has donated, who has prayed, written me, and supported me, listened to me cry on the phone Mrs. Hazelton, Mrs. Brooks!!! You have no idea what your love means to me. What your graciousness has done and continues to do for us.. You've made this journey seem a little shorter, with a glaring light at the end of what was once a very dark and dreary tunnel.. So thank you for continuing to walk this journey with us, and sharing our story!!!
We love and appreciate you all from the bottom of our hearts!!!
Tuesday, May 1, 2012
Adventures and Motivation
You know we in life all have different paths, sometimes those paths cross. My path has crossed with so many beautiful, supportive, and loving women. I have been so blessed to know these women. I only just wish our paths were closer so that I could sit with them, have coffee, hug their necks, and say thank you in person. I've had the pleasure of meeting just a handful of these special women a year ago come August. I think of that weekend often!!!
I have such great friends that stretch from California, Canada, Massachusetts, to Florida. In Sept. 2006 after my first miscarriage I was scouring the infamous Google looking for other loss moms such as myself. I stumbled upon a website called BabyCenter.com, that is where I met 35 women that I would gain such wonderful friendships and links with.. Then throughout the years and losing Tristan, I became a group leader with some amazing loss friends on a few loss groups on babycenter. I toyed around on bbc a lot after that, visiting several different boards, where I found that a birth board needed a gl, and I volunteered, here is where I found a whole group of amazing women, women that have experienced loss, and life, and some that's never experienced loss.. These women took me in as one of their own, even though I wasn't pregnant, I was dealing with infertility, but these amazing women, (I'll call them my bacon lovin' Auggie momma's) were so awesome, they kept me laughing, they cried with me, they lifted me up, and most of all they're still apart of my life..
Now you wonder what I meant by adventures and motivation, Well every day is an adventure, one of which most days I have zero motivation to tackle.. I don't know if it's because of underlying depression I battle with, or just being so out of shape and overweight that I just quit caring, or maybe a little of both? I start something and have a hard time finishing it, except when it comes to ttc. Some people have accused me of being obsessed with trying to have a baby. Some (most) people understand and feel my undying drive.. But why is it that I have so much motivation and drive to have a baby, but not to lose weight and get healthier? I will admit, I am a comfort eater, I get sad/upset I eat. I try to stay away from junk food, but I find the more I try to steer clear of it, the more I want it.. lol typical right? Well that's one adventure I lack motivation.. My other is keeping motivation while cleaning and organizing.. I will start a project and leave it half way til another day.. I get distracted easily!! :)
But the biggest adventure and I love this adventure is being a wife, some days I just let the days flow, others I put forth my best, but all days I love my best friend, without him this adventure would be hellish and so very boring!!
Today feels like a day that I'm just rambling, and maybe I am, but I feel like this is the way to get my blog back to 'normal' to feel like I'm releasing, now maybe with this release, I love writing, and this is a perfect way!!! :)
Oh I almost forgot one of my favorite adventures, and that's my job!!! I LOVE being an Independent Creative Partner with Initials, Inc. And look forward to moving up that career ladder, cause that means more pay, more friends, and more motivation!!! I just have to say that if you or anyone you know is considering a direct sales business, I highly suggest Initials-inc. It is not saturated, it's a ground floor record breaking, company that has been featured in magazines and on Good Morning America.. I am proud to be a part of this amazing company, and this fabYOUlous adventure.. I would love to share more about it, but this is not the place, (although you may here me mention it a lot!!! I have a blog just for Initials :) There you can find deals, and other business adventures..
While I am waiting on af to arrive, I have to say again and again how overwhelmed and humbled I am by all of your support, that your donations are helping us get that much closer to being parents!! Thank you from the bottom of both of our hearts, I know Thank you, is not enough to show my appreciation, but hopefully one day we'll have that beautiful baby boy/girl in our arms, and you will feel, and see our gratitude!!! Finding you my friends has been a long, hard road, but blessed beyond measure!!!! ♥♥♥
I have such great friends that stretch from California, Canada, Massachusetts, to Florida. In Sept. 2006 after my first miscarriage I was scouring the infamous Google looking for other loss moms such as myself. I stumbled upon a website called BabyCenter.com, that is where I met 35 women that I would gain such wonderful friendships and links with.. Then throughout the years and losing Tristan, I became a group leader with some amazing loss friends on a few loss groups on babycenter. I toyed around on bbc a lot after that, visiting several different boards, where I found that a birth board needed a gl, and I volunteered, here is where I found a whole group of amazing women, women that have experienced loss, and life, and some that's never experienced loss.. These women took me in as one of their own, even though I wasn't pregnant, I was dealing with infertility, but these amazing women, (I'll call them my bacon lovin' Auggie momma's) were so awesome, they kept me laughing, they cried with me, they lifted me up, and most of all they're still apart of my life..
Now you wonder what I meant by adventures and motivation, Well every day is an adventure, one of which most days I have zero motivation to tackle.. I don't know if it's because of underlying depression I battle with, or just being so out of shape and overweight that I just quit caring, or maybe a little of both? I start something and have a hard time finishing it, except when it comes to ttc. Some people have accused me of being obsessed with trying to have a baby. Some (most) people understand and feel my undying drive.. But why is it that I have so much motivation and drive to have a baby, but not to lose weight and get healthier? I will admit, I am a comfort eater, I get sad/upset I eat. I try to stay away from junk food, but I find the more I try to steer clear of it, the more I want it.. lol typical right? Well that's one adventure I lack motivation.. My other is keeping motivation while cleaning and organizing.. I will start a project and leave it half way til another day.. I get distracted easily!! :)
But the biggest adventure and I love this adventure is being a wife, some days I just let the days flow, others I put forth my best, but all days I love my best friend, without him this adventure would be hellish and so very boring!!
Today feels like a day that I'm just rambling, and maybe I am, but I feel like this is the way to get my blog back to 'normal' to feel like I'm releasing, now maybe with this release, I love writing, and this is a perfect way!!! :)
Oh I almost forgot one of my favorite adventures, and that's my job!!! I LOVE being an Independent Creative Partner with Initials, Inc. And look forward to moving up that career ladder, cause that means more pay, more friends, and more motivation!!! I just have to say that if you or anyone you know is considering a direct sales business, I highly suggest Initials-inc. It is not saturated, it's a ground floor record breaking, company that has been featured in magazines and on Good Morning America.. I am proud to be a part of this amazing company, and this fabYOUlous adventure.. I would love to share more about it, but this is not the place, (although you may here me mention it a lot!!! I have a blog just for Initials :) There you can find deals, and other business adventures..
While I am waiting on af to arrive, I have to say again and again how overwhelmed and humbled I am by all of your support, that your donations are helping us get that much closer to being parents!! Thank you from the bottom of both of our hearts, I know Thank you, is not enough to show my appreciation, but hopefully one day we'll have that beautiful baby boy/girl in our arms, and you will feel, and see our gratitude!!! Finding you my friends has been a long, hard road, but blessed beyond measure!!!! ♥♥♥
Monday, April 30, 2012
Overwhelmed...
I am so overwhelmed and over joyed with the amount of love and support that's been shown just today, the messages I've gotten, the texts, the comments, and the donations.. Sometimes you feel so alone, and trapped on this journey, it's such a blessing to know that when you need, you have a support system bigger than you can imagine. I am beyond blessed for everyone of you.. Just in the course of a few hours because of your donations we have gained $375.00 towards our future Rainbow.. Thank you!! From the bottom of our hearts, thank you for this wonderful gift.. Thank you for sharing our donation page, thank you for the love, and mostly thank you for the prayers. .God says that "I tell you that if two of you on earth agree about anything you ask for,
it will be done for you by my Father in heaven. For where two or three
come together in my name, there am I with them."
Matthew 18:19-20..
So with a final thank you just for the night, I bid you all a good night, may God bless you beyond measures, and give you all restful, peaceful sweet dreams.
So with a final thank you just for the night, I bid you all a good night, may God bless you beyond measures, and give you all restful, peaceful sweet dreams.
Our journey continues......
Through the last 4 years of infertility I have learned so much about myself and my husband. How greatly strong he is, and just how meek I can be. My Aaron has been so strong in the face of infertility, so many times I've wanted to throw in the towel, but my ever loving and growing opptimist that I married, hasn't gotten to that point. Many tears I've cried, many tears he's wiped away.
We just finished our second failed medicated cycle. I think the time has come to start moving up the fertility treatment ladder, to IUI, and IVF status.. The only thing is the cost is so stinkin' high, and of course it's all out of pocket. Insurance covers nothing of fertility so that makes it harder when you have parents like Aaron and I that want nothing more than to hold a baby in our arms, to love and raise that baby the way Jesus would want us to. And yes, the topic of adoption has come up, and it's upwards the price of IVF, and more..
So today with the push of some loving friends, we have decided to take their advice, and to reach out to our friends and family and ask for donations. We are not rich in money, but love, our cups runneth over.. I as a mother have so much love to give to children that is just trapped inside of me. And Aaron, has so many teachings and love of a father that is screaming to get out. This has been a very long, and a very painful journey, and with Gods guidance, your help, and our faith, I am hoping that we can all see the light at the end of the baby-less journey..
First and foremost, this baby (when we have one) will be raised in a christian home, with values and morals. Our children will be given over to Christ just as we were, and through God our saviour He will guide our hands in teaching these precious blessings from Him..
I will put the link to donate to our IUI & or IVF fun at the top of my blog, but also in this post.. We are humbled asking for your help, and hope that none of you think differently in us doing so, but we're at a loss.. We live a modest life, just like many of you, pay check to pay check with little left over just trying to get by. Some of you might even ask, "if you can't afford fertility treatments, how will you afford to care for a baby" Well my answer to that is the same way you care for yours. When something comes up, you provide. Our child will have a home (not a house, but a home with the love of Christ and his/her parents), food, medical, clothes, toys, and everything he/she needs..
If all you can offer is prayers, love and support, then please know that is also so so very welcome, and needed.. I am humbled to ask you to keep Aaron and I in your thoughts and prayers.. For I know the power in prayers!!
Thank you all so very much for any and all help you can offer us during this part of our journey!!
Love,
Aaron and Shannon Goodwin
You can donate here
Wednesday, March 28, 2012
Friday, December 23, 2011
Christmas is near
Merry Christmas everyone!!! It's been so long since I have written anything. A quick little update, I am back amongst people!! I have been working since August, granted 3 different jobs, but hey finally found the one I will probably be with for the rest of my working life!!! Never found a job I cared about that much!! Helps that its a christian atmosphere!!!
This is our 3rd official christmas without Tristan and sexond without momma, it's proving to be an emotional rollercoaster for sure. But I pick myself up daiky and move forward! Working sure helps.
Rrcently another mom lost her baby that shook the nation, both supporters and negative nancies. Jimbob and Michelle Duggar lost their 21st child, at only 19 weeks they found out there was no heartbeat. Michelle being the wonderfully graceful christian,lady she is has publicly held it together. She is much stringer than I could have ever imagined being. She's moving forward with such poise and grace. They shared the most touch beautiful photos of little Jubilees hand and feet, and some of the negative comments made me see red. But I continue to oray for them as I know she must have breakdowns at home from time to time.
that is all for now as I have to get ready for work. I will continue to write as I find it very relieving!!!
MERRY CHRISTMAS AND HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!!
This is our 3rd official christmas without Tristan and sexond without momma, it's proving to be an emotional rollercoaster for sure. But I pick myself up daiky and move forward! Working sure helps.
Rrcently another mom lost her baby that shook the nation, both supporters and negative nancies. Jimbob and Michelle Duggar lost their 21st child, at only 19 weeks they found out there was no heartbeat. Michelle being the wonderfully graceful christian,lady she is has publicly held it together. She is much stringer than I could have ever imagined being. She's moving forward with such poise and grace. They shared the most touch beautiful photos of little Jubilees hand and feet, and some of the negative comments made me see red. But I continue to oray for them as I know she must have breakdowns at home from time to time.
that is all for now as I have to get ready for work. I will continue to write as I find it very relieving!!!
MERRY CHRISTMAS AND HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!!
Tuesday, September 13, 2011
My New and FabYOUlous business
I am so excited to announce that I've joined one of the biggest upcoming and wonderful businesses.. I am now a Creative Partner with Initials-Inc.. It's a wonderful opportunity with wonderful products as well.. The business is going to be featured in Women's Day Magazine!! That is so exciting.
I am so excited, and love the idea of meeting new and fun people, having parties and interactions with more adults (or should I say humans hee hee)
So to all my readers, no need to be local, if you're interested in hosting a party, let me know and I will mail you some catalogs.. And if you're interested in joining this wonderful company and being in business for yourself but NOT by yourself, I can help you join, the great thing about joining now, is the price of the starter kit is $40 dollars cheaper!!!!! This Friday Sept. 16, 2011 the price of the starter kit will be only $100.00!!!!! And the hostess rewards are so awesome!! So what are you waiting for? Call me, text me, message me, or facebook me, leave me a comment here, and lets talk Initials-Inc!!! And as always personalization is FREE!!!!!
Thursday, July 14, 2011
3 years 4 months....40 months...14,600 days too long!
That we have been trying to have a baby since losing Tristan.. It feels like an eternity. I am so tired.. Tired of caring, tired of trying, tired of wanting.. But I can't shut the desire to be a mommy off, the more I try, the louder it gets.. .WTF is wrong with me? Ugh, actually kinda irritating honestly.
When do you know it's time to quit? How does a born to be a mommy type of girl, just let go of her dreams? Ever since I was a kid I wanted to be a mommy when I grew up.. How is it I can get pregnant 3 times naturally, but now, I can't for the life of me..
I am so tired of hearing, "you know if you'd quit trying, it would happen" well shit, why didn't I ever think of that? I hear that all the freaking time people!! NEWS FLASH btdt (been there done that). Didn't happen.. "Have you thought about adopting" another one that I hear constantly. While I don't have any negative to say about adoption, we are not there yet.
I am mad at myself for letting it hurt me still.. I have to let it go, let go of the pain, let go of the desire, then, maybe just maybe if I can fully accept that it may never happen, it won't hurt so freaking bad. Every month I feel those signature cramps, or that killer headache it won't suck the air right out of my lungs, and put that huge knot in my throat that I have to fight away, so that people won't see, don't know.. I don't want sympathy, I want a child,a LIVING child.
After watching all the reports and what not on Casey Anthony, and them releasing jail letters she wrote saying that she wanted to either adopt or get pregnant again, makes my heart sink to the bottom of my stomach, knowing how trash like that always seems to get their way through everything, and get their babies never having to struggle infertility.. She's bound to get what she wants, don't all the crack heads and the like?
I don't know how much longer I can last on this journey, maybe God's will isn't my hearts desire.....
When do you know it's time to quit? How does a born to be a mommy type of girl, just let go of her dreams? Ever since I was a kid I wanted to be a mommy when I grew up.. How is it I can get pregnant 3 times naturally, but now, I can't for the life of me..
I am so tired of hearing, "you know if you'd quit trying, it would happen" well shit, why didn't I ever think of that? I hear that all the freaking time people!! NEWS FLASH btdt (been there done that). Didn't happen.. "Have you thought about adopting" another one that I hear constantly. While I don't have any negative to say about adoption, we are not there yet.
I am mad at myself for letting it hurt me still.. I have to let it go, let go of the pain, let go of the desire, then, maybe just maybe if I can fully accept that it may never happen, it won't hurt so freaking bad. Every month I feel those signature cramps, or that killer headache it won't suck the air right out of my lungs, and put that huge knot in my throat that I have to fight away, so that people won't see, don't know.. I don't want sympathy, I want a child,a LIVING child.
After watching all the reports and what not on Casey Anthony, and them releasing jail letters she wrote saying that she wanted to either adopt or get pregnant again, makes my heart sink to the bottom of my stomach, knowing how trash like that always seems to get their way through everything, and get their babies never having to struggle infertility.. She's bound to get what she wants, don't all the crack heads and the like?
I don't know how much longer I can last on this journey, maybe God's will isn't my hearts desire.....
Tuesday, July 12, 2011
Why I write..
I am so humbled right now.. I have not logged into my babycenter.com account in over a month, and so you can about imagine the messages in my inbox, over 1000.. Not very often do I get a note that makes me smile, cry and feel so blessed for my son, and journey.. Today I got one of those notes. I can't describe in words what I am feeling right now.. Every since we lost Tristan, I always said that if he helped just one person, one mother, one anyone through this same journey than I realize what God's plan was for him, and me.. To teach me so much, to meet so many people, and to become a different person than I ever imagined.. I never thought by my sharing my journey through pregnancy loss, infertility, and hurt that I could help anyone, but today, I got thanked for unknowingly helping someone. That warms my heart to know that my son helped me to help another mother through her own journey of loss and pain.
If the owner of that letter is reading this today, thank you for helping me also!!
If the owner of that letter is reading this today, thank you for helping me also!!
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Rest in Peace Mommy
