Our story...Our survival..

Our Journey.....

January 2001, it was a cold, blistery, icy day in Oklahoma City, the day my future husband asked me to be his girl!!! March 31, 2006 was our wedding day.. We had decided that since we'd already been together for 5 years that we would immediately start trying for a baby. So in April that's what we did.. It took us 3 months and in July we were looking at a positive pregnancy test.. It was the 5th of July.. I remember thinking the 4th that I had to of been pregnant, as the beer just tasted horrible and I was wanting to sleep.. That pregnancy was not the easiest.. We started bleeding from the beginning, it was diagnosed a subchorionic hemorrhage.. It was a huge blood clot between the uterus and placenta.. Well fast forward to 12 weeks after getting off bed rest and having no more bleeding.. We had an ultrasound to find that our precious baby had passed on 3 weeks before.. I had what they called a missed abortion (you won't see me use this term as I HATE it..) So I had to schedule a d n c for the next day.. That morning around 4 am I woke up to severe pains and bleeding only to find out that my body had finally realized that it was miscarrying, so we got bumped up a few hours to do the d n c.. Our dr. sent the 'remains' off to the lab for genetic testing and he called a few weeks later to tell me that our baby was a healthy baby boy.. We named him Xavier Ahren. He was 9 weeks 5 days and our d n c was on 9/19/06.. We were told we could try after our first cycle, so we did, we got pregnant 4 months later, we were excited, yet nervous.. There was no bleeding and our number's were progressing well. Well at 5 weeks we had an u/s.. Nothing but a sac. We were told to come back 2 weeks later, at 7 weeks we went back and still there was only a sac, but a second sac was visible now too..The dr. thought he had seen a second sac at 5 weeks but we didn't think nothing of it.. We were told to come back in a week.. We went back at 8 weeks 3 days, still only a sac, that was starting to shrink, and the second sac completely gone.. We were diagnosed with a blighted ovum and decided to do a d n c right then instead of waiting.. We were devastated, again....We call this baby (well what should have been a baby) February, we needed closure.. well I needed closure) 4 months later, June 27, 2007 could it be? Yes it is, a big fat positive, I couldn't believe it, whoo-hoo we were pregnant again.. I was nervous as all get out, could barely stand myself I was so nervous. We had slight spotting at 5 weeks and went to the ER, only to be told we had a slight subchorionic hemorrhage, you can about guess my nerves shot straight through the roof, great here we go again.... I prepared myself to lose this baby too, but wait, it's 12 weeks and we're still pregnant, and there's a heartbeat?!?! Wow, 19 weeks and it's a BOY?!?! Is this for real? Is this really happening? We're going to be parents for real this time? Little did we know what God had in store for us....... January 21, 2008, Martin Luther King day, Monday, and the beginning of our 33rd week.. Everything started out great, Our little boy had woke me up at 5 am having a little kick-boxing tournament, this was the VERY FIRST time this had ever happened. I went about my morning, got on the computer, was fixing to start chatting with some girlfriends of mine, when I got the most oddest, most painful cramp I've ever gotten.. In all honesty I thought I had to go to the bathroom.. So I finished typing out what I had to say, and headed to the bathroom, the only thing was the pain was overwhelming, I was literally on my tip-toes.. (if I knew then what I know now, I would have just started pushing right then.... :( ) I sat down and hear a pop, gush....My first thought was Oh shit, my water just broke, I'm only 33 weeks, and we still have 7 weeks to go, ok, we can deal with NICU.. But then I look down.. The image I seen will forever haunt me, blood, and lots of it, I've never in all of my life seen so much blood as I did this day.. From here everything went down hill and FAST!! I stood up, grabbed some tissue and put it between my legs and ran to the living room, grabbed the phone, and called my husband, I was so scared, and deep inside, I knew he was gone...But I get a hold of him.. We talk he leaves work.. Well not thinking of the holiday it was I called my dr's office, no answer, I'm starting to feel faint and light headed, so I lay down on the floor, I called the ER and told them what was going on, all they could say is "why are you calling the er?" I just hung up.. Aaron called and was on the phone with 911 when he walked in the house.. He helped me to the living room couch where I laid down and was in so much pain, more pain than I ever imagined possible.. The paramedics showed up. finally.. Well apparently I got the pick of the day, 2 of the most ignorant, most hateful, degrading, pieces of crap people to come help us.. One was a rookie, and the other was a jerk.. The jerk asked me if I was pregnant? Duh, I'm 8 months freaking pregnant!! I'm huge!! He then says "Are you bleeding?" My reply was yes, his was well you miscarried......WHAT?!?! You're seriously going to tell a freaking 8 month pregnant woman that she just miscarried.. I already hated the idiot.. He then asks me if I can get up on my own and move to the gurney, sure I say, and as I do I throw up, he then thrust this bag in my face and say's "throw up in here not in my bus, I just cleaned it" they then proceed to wheel me out of my house, with no blanket on, just panties and a t-shirt.. I asked for my own blanket. Then they wheel me over the stepping stones instead of picking me up and carrying me, this hurt like you wouldn't believe the pain is still very vivid in my mind.. We'd already told them 2 times they've asked what hospital we were going to, twice, Women's and children's.. they get me in the ambulance, and pull out.. They didn't give me oxygen or anything except an iv. of saline.. I keep feeling the need to pass out, and gushes of blood coming out of me.. I told him that I felt like I was going to pass out, and he said there was nothing he could do, I was already laying down. So about this time I look out the window wondering why it's taking so long to get to my hospital, the idiots took me to the wrong hospital... . I keep feeling the need to close my eyes...just go to sleep.. Well they FINALLY get me to Women's and Children's, and upstairs to Labor and Delivery, where I coded, on the spot.. I remember the nurse checking me, and her saying that I was dialated 2 cm, and trying to find Tristan's heartbeat, it wasn't there.. I remember looking to Aaron and saying he's gone honey, my baby's gone, and Aaron, and the nurse both saying no he's probably hiding.. then I vaguely remember hearing Aaron say her eyes are rolling and the nurse saying Oh shit (as she hits the wall) and saying I need help in here.. (Later found out she called a code blue on me).. The next memories are in and out, and still comes back in flashes.. I remember waking in this room, very cold, and 2 people above my head, one woman on man, and I hear them saying we need to intibuate and start cpr, where is everyone at? I remember my dr. Dr. H standing next to me saying "Hi Shannon, it's me Dr. H and there's no fetal heart activity we need to operate immediately to find out where the bleed is before we lose you.. Then I felt him cut me, and everything went black.. The next thing I remember is waking up in the recovery room, looking up and seeing Aaron's face, and knowing that something was VERY wrong.. Then our social worker, Ms. Mary asked me if I would like to hold our son.....This was the first time I seen my little boy, he was gone, lifeless, but the most amazing creature I've ever seen, the most beautiful little boy.. Beings that I had a c section I had to stay in the hospital for a few days.. We were released, on Jan. 24, 2008 and it was hard leaving that hospital with only plants and a memory box full of Tristan's belongings, yet leaving him there.. This blog is full of the last 2 years and the years of battling infertility, and our journey to parent hood, if it's meant to be..

Friday, December 23, 2011

Christmas is near

Merry Christmas everyone!!! It's been so long since I have written anything. A quick little update, I am back amongst people!! I have been working since August, granted 3 different jobs, but hey finally found the one I will probably be with for the rest of my working life!!! Never found a job I cared about that much!! Helps that its a christian atmosphere!!!

This is our 3rd official christmas without Tristan and sexond without momma, it's proving to be an emotional rollercoaster for sure. But I pick myself up daiky and move forward! Working sure helps.

Rrcently another mom lost her baby that shook the nation, both supporters and negative nancies. Jimbob and Michelle Duggar lost their 21st child, at only 19 weeks they found out there was no heartbeat. Michelle being the wonderfully graceful christian,lady she is has publicly held it together. She is much stringer than I could have ever imagined being. She's moving forward with such poise and grace. They shared the most touch beautiful photos of little Jubilees hand and feet, and some of the negative comments made me see red. But I continue to oray for them as I know she must have breakdowns at home from time to time.
that is all for now as I have to get ready for work. I will continue to write as I find it very relieving!!!

MERRY CHRISTMAS AND HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!!

Tuesday, September 13, 2011

My New and FabYOUlous business

I am so excited to announce that I've joined one of the biggest upcoming and wonderful businesses.. I am now a Creative Partner with Initials-Inc.. It's a wonderful opportunity with wonderful products as well.. The business is going to be featured in Women's Day Magazine!! That is so exciting.

I am so excited, and love the idea of meeting new and fun people, having parties and interactions with more adults (or should I say humans hee hee)

So to all my readers, no need to be local, if you're interested in hosting a party, let me know and I will mail you some catalogs.. And if you're interested in joining this wonderful company and being in business for yourself but NOT by yourself, I can help you join, the great thing about joining now, is the price of the starter kit is $40 dollars cheaper!!!!! This Friday Sept. 16, 2011 the price of the starter kit will be only $100.00!!!!! And the hostess rewards are so awesome!! So what are you waiting for? Call me, text me, message me, or facebook me, leave me a comment here, and lets talk Initials-Inc!!! And as always personalization is FREE!!!!!

Thursday, July 14, 2011

3 years 4 months....40 months...14,600 days too long!

That we have been trying to have a baby since losing Tristan.. It feels like an eternity. I am so tired.. Tired of caring, tired of trying, tired of wanting.. But I can't shut the desire to be a mommy off, the more I try, the louder it gets.. .WTF is wrong with me? Ugh, actually kinda irritating honestly.

When do you know it's time to quit? How does a born to be a mommy type of girl, just let go of her dreams? Ever since I was a kid I wanted to be a mommy when I grew up.. How is it I can get pregnant 3 times naturally, but now, I can't for the life of me..

I am so tired of hearing, "you know if you'd quit trying, it would happen" well shit, why didn't I ever think of that? I hear that all the freaking time people!! NEWS FLASH btdt (been there done that). Didn't happen.. "Have you thought about adopting" another one that I hear constantly. While I don't have any negative to say about adoption, we are not there yet.

I am mad at myself for letting it hurt me still.. I have to let it go, let go of the pain, let go of the desire, then, maybe just maybe if I can fully accept that it may never happen, it won't hurt so freaking bad. Every month I feel those signature cramps, or that killer headache it won't suck the air right out of my lungs, and put that huge knot in my throat that I have to fight away, so that people won't see, don't know.. I don't want sympathy, I want a child,a LIVING child.

After watching all the reports and what not on Casey Anthony, and them releasing jail letters she wrote saying that she wanted to either adopt or get pregnant again, makes my heart sink to the bottom of my stomach, knowing how trash like that always seems to get their way through everything, and get their babies never having to struggle infertility.. She's bound to get what she wants, don't all the crack heads and the like?

I don't know how much longer I can last on this journey, maybe God's will isn't my hearts desire.....

Tuesday, July 12, 2011

Why I write..

I am so humbled right now.. I have not logged into my babycenter.com account in over a month, and so you can about imagine the messages in my inbox, over 1000.. Not very often do I get a note that makes me smile, cry and feel so blessed for my son, and journey.. Today I got one of those notes. I can't describe in words what I am feeling right now.. Every since we lost Tristan, I always said that if he helped just one person, one mother, one anyone through this same journey than I realize what God's plan was for him, and me.. To teach me so much, to meet so many people, and to become a different person than I ever imagined.. I never thought by my sharing my journey through pregnancy loss, infertility, and hurt that I could help anyone, but today, I got thanked for unknowingly helping someone. That warms my heart to know that my son helped me to help another mother through her own journey of loss and pain.

If the owner of that letter is reading this today, thank you for helping me also!!

Tuesday, July 5, 2011

A real unjustice for a sweet angel..

I don't even know how to begin to settle my thoughts and opinions down on the most shocking verdict in a homicide of a precious 2 year old baby girl 3 years ago.. I can not seriously believe my ears.. My heart is aching for the unjustice for this precious baby girl.

In June of 2008 we learned that a precious baby girl was missing,and her mother, Casey Anthony waited THIRTY-ONE days before saying anything, and if her mother, Cindy Anthony had not pressured her to see Caylee, Casey would have never said anything, she would have went on, with her life so easy for her.. Now, as a mother of loss, I can attest that losing your child is anything but easy. And this woman, allowed her daughter to be 'missing' for 31 days, while she was clubbin', entering hot body contests, and getting a tattoo. "Bella Vita" which means beautiful life..But yet her sweet baby girl is missing.. What the hell is so beautiful about that? The internet records showing "someone" (yet the time stamps were when Casey was the only one home) had done searches for chloroform.. And the duct tape being a rare duct tape, that George Anthony had in the garage, the gas can, the fact that she was wrapped up like the Anthony's wrapped their pets when they passed. and tossed in the freaking swamps.. How the hell is that honestly not enough evidence?? Then you throw in the verbal evidence of smell from human decomposition in her trunk. I don't understand what's so wrong with what the prosecution presented?!

And the verdict came in
Count 1. first-degree murder---Not Guilty
Count 2. aggravated child abuse---Not Guilty
Count 3. aggravated manslaughter of a child---Not Guilty
Count 4, 5, 6 and 7 providing false information to a law enforcement officer---Guilty

I personally think that her parents know she killed their granddaughter, a mother knows.. I don't care about what, a mother knows her child, and knows without a shadow of a doubt what her daughter did. I loved George Anthony's statement he made to the public..

CASEY ANTHONY'S FAMILY

[Updated at 5:08 p.m.] Attorney Mark Lippman issued a statement on behalf of Lee, George and Cindy Anthony:

While the family may never know what has happened to Caylee Marie Anthony, they now have closure for this chapter of their life. They will now begin the long process of rebuilding their lives.

Despite the baseless defense chosen by Casey Anthony, the family believes that the Jury made a fair decision based on the evidence presented, the testimony presented, the scientific information presented and the rules that were given to them by the Honorable Judge Perry to guide them.

The family hopes that they will be given the time by the media to reflect on this verdict and decide the best way to move forward privately.

The family also wanted the public to know that if anyone wanted to honor Caylee by leaving stuffed animals or other toys at any area near their home, that they would prefer those items be donated in Caylee’ s name to families in need, religious centers, or any other entity where the toys would be appreciated.

I am truly saddened by this, it brings up a lot of emotions for me, 6 months after my much loved and wanted baby boy died because my body failed him, and this woman kills her baby and gets away with it?!?!? I hope and I pray that she does not get one moment of rest, that she lives forever restless, with haunting memories of killing her daughter. As my aunt would say, Casey Anthony, I would not want to be in your socks and shoes when you come face to face with God.. While you might not have been found guilty in front of a jury of your peers, and our lousy judicial system, God has already picked the perfect spot in hell for you..

Rest in Peace baby girl, I hurt wondering if you knew what was happening to you, I shudder at the thought that of you suffocating to death in the trunk of your mommy's car while she was in a club having the time of her life.. You're well and whole, and I hope that you're at peace sweet Caylee.. I am in tears watching this unfold, your sweet photo's all over the news, you were a beautiful baby girl, that was taken way to soon, in such a cruel cruel way sweet baby!!! Your mommy should have protected you not hurt you!! You're in such a better place now baby girl!

Every body that has their children with them, and has the ability to hug and love on them, do it for Caylee tonight, do it for that sweet baby girl.. Love your babies just a little bit more!!

Sunday, July 3, 2011

Update

I have been horrible!! I forgot to share my bloodwork update.. I'm still taking the metformin, BUT my insulin is down to normal!!! Yay!! We are considering starting clomid in the early fall, but still undecided.. Will keep you posted.

Wednesday, June 29, 2011

What is this?

What is this feeling I feel? Is this happiness? True, unguarded happiness? I seriously for the first time in 3 years do not feel like I'm faking this.. LOl, maybe I got so good at putting on that happy mask, that it finally sunk in. hee hee, I kid... :) I feel guilty though at times that I'm not still grieving. To be totally honest, this feeling of happiness, and peacefulness has gotten stronger since cutting my dad out of my life. Plus working, let me tell you how good that feels.. I'm finally getting out of the house, away from the constant thoughts, it's so what's the word so liberating.. Sure, I miss staying home, my animals miss me for sure, but for me, I think this is truly where my momma was trying to get me to before she died.. She didn't stop from the day Tristan died, she didn't stop trying to help me out of that dark dark place I was. But knowing she has him, and she's taking care of him, that is the most comforting thought. Being out in the public again, is doing more for me than just boosting my spirit, I'm losing this weight.. (finally ;) I'm smiling all the time now, I'm wearing make up, and actually caring what I look like again.. I'm out of my pj's!! I seriously never thought I'd see the day where I could actually handle seeing, much less talking to a woman that's expecting.. Or talk so easily about my infertility, and the plan of action.. It no longer feels like I'm this dark plague that no one wants to approach.

I am also so ecstatic to be finding all my old friends again.. I've searched for and wondered where they all ended up, with each friend there's memories that just remind me of fun times and it's all so wonderful.. I had lots of fun back in high school.. Most of my friends have stayed in or around my home state. But some reach as far as Germany to California.. It's awesome seeing where and what every one's doing, and how or if they've changed. It's been 15 years since I've seen the most recent friends, and we were close.. It was wonderful talking to one of those friends today. We shared a fun history.. It just makes me have a big smile to find people that have impacted my life in one way or another, especially at times I felt like I impacted no one. But really I guess I did, cause my friends were searching for me to. :)

Nothing else is really new on the home front, A is working some very long and hard hours so we really rarely see each other, I do miss him.. We have our breakfast and then don't see each other til 7-10pm.. :( Have to love the oilfield.. He's been going out in the field more to the last few months.. Which is good for pay, but bad for the body!! lol.. We're not such young pups anymore..
But it's honest, and we gotta do it!!

I really do wish my mommy was here to see how happy I am.. I miss her so much.. I love you momma!! Give Tristan, Xavier and February my kisses!!

Monday, June 20, 2011

Changes

So many changes have gone on the last few months. I don't even know where to begin..

I have been dealing with writers block, and I guess I'm so used to writing about all the sadness in my life, I've failed to share any happiness.. Maybe I feel guilty sometimes for being so happy, that I should be grieving still. Which don't get me wrong, I am still grieving, for my mom, and my sweet Tristan.. It's kinda hard to explain where I am right now, but I'm at peace and have a comfort and warmth in my heart that I haven't felt in a VERY VERY long time.

My mom, who was in fact my best friend, the one that I shared everything with is gone, so I find myself walking around talking to her.. For example, something happens and I'll be like, did you see that momma.. I have my aunt, which has been the best life savor for me. She is so so much like momma that it feels sometimes like I'm talking to momma again. I miss her so terribly much.. My grief is so much different for momma than for Tristan. I feel more of a peace with momma's loss.. I remember one day, I told my mom, you know we all expect to lose our parents, while it hurts like hell, we still expect it, but what we don't expect is to lose our children. When we lost momma, I feel like I lost both my mom and dad.. My momma was great at filling the role of both parents.. She was practically a single mom, even if she was married to my dad. He was never much of a dad, only when it was convenient for him. Or if it benefited him. He used to always say, there's assests and liabilities.. Can you guess which category my mom, brother and I fell into......Yep you nailed it, we were all liabilities. It's sad that he felt the need to divorce his children too when him and mom divorced a couple years ago.. But ya know, thinking about it, he needed to be there to divorce us right?!? lol.. Anyway, I did finally see him for what he was, and what I already knew but didn't want to believe. On my brother's and I birthday's, the ONLY reason he called either of us was to ask if he could have my mom's (his ex wife's) death certificate, so that he would no longer have to pay for my mom's student loan.. Before then I can't remember the last time he called, so there in a nut shell, he only accepted us when we had something he wanted.. Nice..

Anyway, since then, we had a huge blow up, his wife and I mainly, and now my grandparents won't even see me. WTF?? Oh well, as much as it hurts I have to say it's their loss. I'm praying like mad that God will lift the blinders that they have on, so that they can both see the truth and who their son really is.

Ok, enough of him, I've now cut him off, and he's not a part of my life any more and don't think he will ever be again.

I started working again!! SO happy about this. Loving every minute of it, even if it is only a few hours a day, it's so very worth it!! I've lost 10# since my first day of work.. It's nice, it gives me some time with humans having human conversations.. Instead of me trying to carry on conversations with dogs that just cock their head to the side, and look at me like I said the word treat..

I've also taken up couponing, and one day hope to be as good as those extreme couponer's.. I want a stock pile room and all. And we have the PERFECT spot for it.. See out of our 5 bedrooms, 2 are kinda like Jack and Jill bedrooms, where one is inside the other room.. Almost like maybe one was a sleeping quarter, the other a reading/study.. (Remember the house was built in 1936). Anyway the smaller room that is set in the back of the bigger room, is the perfect spot.. I also am dabbling in crochet, and cooking more. I love finding healthy, yummy recipe's..

We're still dealing with the infertility, but taking our time and just enjoying the summer and life right now..

I have some plans for the summer I'm excited that I'm finally after 5 years I'm going to get the pleasure of meeting some of the most amazing women. Women that have been in my life and my heart since the loss of our first baby. I've grown to love these women.. These women have been my strength when I most needed it and couldn't move from off the couch, and internet.. They have been my will power when I was lacking. They have been tough on me when I needed a good kick in the rear, and they've just loved me for me.. They really helped us out when we lost Tristan. From calling me the day after I had him, just to let me know that I was on their mind, to let me know they loved me and was thinking about Aaron and I. They also fed us for several months afterwards.. :) And the crazy part is, they live all over the world, from California, to Florida, from Massachusetts to Texas.. From Canada, to Georgia, women that I've never 'met', but have shared more with than I've shared with most anyone. Women that I finally get to meet!!! I'm so excited!!!

Our summer is trying to fill up fast, and I'm excited about that!!! It makes it more fun that way!!! Poor Aaron is so busy with work. He's putting in a LOT of long hours, which is another reason I'm glad to be back to working that way it's not so lonely without my baby at home.. ;)

Well I guess that I've said enough for now. I will try and keep up with writing, I forgot how good it feels to just let it out..

Sunday, April 10, 2011

Alive

I'm feeling so alive.. The birds are chirping, the flowers are in bloom, and I'm on vacation.. Not a 'real' ocean, tropical scene vacation, but a vacation nonetheless.. Sitting on my hotel bed right now waiting on a visit with my sister.. I'm excited, I feel alive.. A feeling I haven't felt in some time.. Things are so different now.. I miss my momma so much every day, I long to just pick up the phone and talk to her for hours like we used to..

There's so much I'd like to say about other family member's but don't think it's appropriate to do so.. All I know is I think it's pathetic to use ridiculous scare tactics to get what one wants..

We will be going to visit my momma's grave later this week, I'm really anxious too.. I bought some path lights that are so pretty, purple mosaic, she loved purple.. I think she will be smiling!!

Being back home in the city makes me realize just how much I've missed OKC.. I really do love the city, the memories, from high school, to meeting the man of my dreams!! Would I live here again, probably not as I've become a permanent transplant to Louisiana, and really love the culture and things down there..

But this feeling of being alive, is it healing finally from all the tragedies that's happened the last 4.5 years? Is it possible that I'm finding 'me' again? This is nice, I hope this feeling lasts..

I did notice though, as sad as it is, I find myself looking over my shoulder again being back here, for fear of running into someone that I really DON'T want to run into, I wonder will that ever leave? Will it fade into the world of non existance? I feel like by me watching over my shoulder is a way of letting the douche win, but is it that or my mere safety? That is the #1 reason I would never move back here.. Domestic violence happens more frequently than one knows about and that feeling I don't know if it ever leaves a lady after she's gone through it..

Anyway, today, and the rest of the week, I'm going to enjoy this feeling, of being fully alive, treasuring the gifts that God has blessed me with as I know this is exactly what my mommy would want!!!

I love and miss my children, and my mommy more than life, but it's not my time, and I think that is God's message to me today, with this feeling of being alive, and hearing the sounds, and seeing the beautiful world that He has created for us..

Til later......

Thursday, February 3, 2011

Thinking.....I might be changing the name of our blog

Time is moving on, and sometimes I Find myself sitting here letting it pass me by.. With that said, I think I'm going to think of a new name, for my blog.. As this is just not the place to come for sadness, and memory.. I've tried making other blogs, and I may still do that, linking this one to it, I think I will do that, and just start writing again...

Til then, good night my bloggers.. :)

Monday, December 6, 2010

Denise Arlene Smith Maddox.....AKA Mommy

On Friday November 5th, I get a very heartbreaking phone call from my brother telling me that he thinks mom had a stroke and is in the hospital.. I quickly get dressed, Aaron gets home, and we rush to the hospital.. Sure enough, she's had a massive stroke, but they got her there in less than an hour so the TPA shot was given and hoped that it would work.

She was moved up to ICU that night, room 201, I went home that night, only because it was past 1 am and I needed a blanket etc. So I got a couple hours sleep, woke, showered, and rushed back up to the hospital, with my crochet, computer, bag of clothes, and a blanket.. She was able to recognize us at this point, she had been trying to talk but her speech was gone, it kept sounding like she was saying "I'm sorry" over and over.. We clearly heard sissy (that's what she called me) and bubba (my brother) I love you, and that was about it".. She was paralyzed fully on the right side..

Saturday she stayed in the ICU, where they monitored her vitals, and poor momma was getting so frustrated with us cause she couldn't communicate with us.. She had tried writing, and I still couldn't figure out what she was trying to tell me, Saturday was a good day..

Sunday, she was doing really good she had passed her swallow test, recognized us all, tried talking to my aunt, and we were all so proud cause she was fighting so hard to beat this.. She had been moved upstairs to the telemetry floor, 6th floor.. My cousin had made it in, and she and my brother decided that night to spend the night with her, and so I went home..

First thing Monday morning, I wake, shower, go get donuts, and momma a plant, she absolutely loved plants.. I got a card and signed EVERYONE'S name that loved her to that card. When I got to the hospital she was sleeping a LOT, and when she did wake, she looked at me like she didn't recognize me, like she was very dazed.. They had scheduled a procedure to check her heart to see if the clot that caused her stroke had come from her heart.. During this time, she's just seeming more and more distant to me, looks at me, but like she's looking right through me.. This Dr. came in and decided to talk about her finances, and gruffly told her that if she didn't have the insurance to cover rehab then it would have to come out of her pocket, and if she couldn't afford it, then she wouldn't receive the rehab. I could have killed that short dude with my bare hands, but the entire time walking to speak to him, I'm praying for God to give me the proper words to say.. Well the nurse finally comes to get her to take her for the procedure and I inform her of the condition she's in, very dazed, well she tells her dr. and he tried doing the procedure but momma was clenching her teeth.. The dr. didn't like the way she is looking so they send her for a MRI.. During the MRI they find out that the stroke (clot) has extended to her brain stem.. Not good, but not a death sentence either.. So they send her back to the ICU, because the brain stem is what controls your breathing. I didn't leave the hospital again.. She pulled out her IV on the way back to the ICU.. ( I think this was the first sign that she was giving up)..

Tuesday there's no real change, she's sqeezing our hand, rubbing our fingers, and really rubbing her face, and head, she'd rubbed her eyes so much that she had slight bruising under them.. I hated seeing my mommy like this and there was NOTHING I could do.. She was sweating profusely and they kept telling me, this is normal for cerebral (brain) patients.. At the 5 o'clock visit her blood pressure spiked dangerously high, 247/187 (going off memory here).. They told me this was possibly a fluke because she kept pushing off her pulse ox sensor.. She kept rubbing her head. She also pulled out her IV again, so they'd moved it to her left hand where she couldn't pull it out.. I kept asking if she was in pain, but they told me that she would have been wincing or something, and that she couldn't be administered pain meds because it was a stroke.. At the 9pm visit her bp was normal again, and she was still sweating so badly.. Her night nurse was such a sweet heart, and really cared for his patients.. He had asked us to get some shampoo and a brush for her, the poor thing had not had her hair brushed since Friday, and had a huge mat in the back of her hair.. Aaron brought some shampoo right up but had forgotten a brush, (not to worry I had one with my stuff..) Well we had went and grabbed a bite to eat, it was a little after 10, (they always let me stay longer than the 30 minute visits.. :) Well the nurse J, called me and asked me if I would mind coming to brush her hair, This was such a great honor to me, I was able to talk to her while brushing her hair, telling her how much I loved her, and how pretty she was, and I was sorry if I was pulling it, she would motion that it hurt a few times.. That time will always be so very very special to me.. I kissed her goodnight and told her I was in the waiting room and would see her shortly!

Wednesday is a day that I will never as long as I live forget..
I went to see her at 9, and she was sleeping, didn't open her eyes the entire time I was there, I felt uneasy about this, but the nurse assured me that she'd opened her eyes for her.. She still was squeezing my hands though, this was a little reassuring..

12 pm, she was still not opening her eyes, her blood pressure was spiking again, it was 206/147.. They gave her meds and told me by the time I got back for 5pm that it would be down.. She needed to be cleaned up so our visit was a little shorter than normal, so Amanda (my bff) and I went to Hobby Lobby to get the shirts that we were going to make her for rehab.. they were purple and said Git +R Done Sissy, and the other one was the same except it said mom.. Then I went to McAlaster's and got a salad, had went back up to the waiting room, but it was crowded, and I just wanted to 'breath' for a bit, so I sat in my car and ate lunch.. Around 4ish my brother called me and said that they had called him, that momma coded, and had to be intubated.. I rushed upstairs, (leaving everything in the car).. I stopped in the restroom first, and as soon as I stepped in the hall, I hear "CODE BLUE SICU, CODE BLUE SICU" Let me tell you that elevator couldn't move fast enough, I KNEW this was my mommy.. I get up there, and I can't hardly contain myself, I drop to my knees, there are other family member's out there thinking it's their family, I assured them, it wasn't, that this was my mom..

You remember the Dr. I mentioned earlier that had chosen to speak finances with my mom? Well it was him that had to come get me, and tell me that she had coded twice in 30 minutes, and they'd done cpr, and tubed her, and that she only was showing 10% brain activity.. It was all I could do to hold myself up, I think God was truly holding me at that time cause I just wanted to collapse.. So he said that they would clean her up and let me back..

Well not even 10 minutes go by, and he calls me back again, I'm thinking ok, I get to go see her now, no, he was telling me that she was very very critical, and that I needed to call whatever family to come because she was now had 0 brain activity, and was only being kept alive by meds making her heart beat and the machine breathing for her.. I couldn't grasp what I was hearing.. Again he said they needed to clean her up, that they had broken a few ribs during cpr, and that her pupils were already fixed and dilated, and it wouldn't be long I would be allowed back.. Thank God Amanda was there, and 2 ladies that were praying with me.. One of which that was already on her way to pray with mom.. My grandmother's pastor had called her.. She didn't know that it was MY mom she was going to pray with, til she asked me mom's name.. The rest is kinda a blur, but I remember calling everyone and letting them talk to her in her ear (they say that hearing is the last to go, I don't know)..

Justin finally got there, and we both told her it was "ok mom, you don't have to fight anymore, you can go home" (those were the hardest words I've ever spoken).. We had to make a decision to prolong her life on machines, or to let her go.. We made the decision to let her go be with Jesus.. She wouldn't have had any quality of life as a vegetable. Time had gotten away from me so I really don't know what times this all was happening.. They turned of the IV meds keeping her heart going, but had to keep the vent going until the dr. came to shut it off. I remember this time being so long, we talked to her, cried, laughed, and I remember crawling in bed with her and just holding her, and begging her to come back, but I knew this was impossible.. I was not prepared to say good-bye..

Well since they only had one dr. on call she was backed up in the ER, so she actually never made it to shut off the machines.. I remember watching her heartbeat on the screen, and it was staying steady in the 90's, then around midnight or right before it started dropping, 87, 86, 85, 86, 87, 75, 60 when it got to 60 I whispered in her ear, "Mommy, don't worry about us, we will be alright, I will take care of Justin" her heartbeat went immediately to 0..... I looked at the clock, and remember seeing 12:14 am although time of death wasn't called til 12:37 am, and we were then able to come back in and say our good byes with no tubes in her and all cleaned up..

My mommy is now with her daddy, her favorite aunties, and her grandbabies.. I know that she's happier than she's ever been in life.. But the selfish part of wants her back.. But I know that she's here, her love and guidance surrounds me and my brother, I know this.. She taught us the very true meaning of unconditional love, and loving Christ..

I thank you mommy for every life lesson that you've ever taught me, every prayer you've ever prayed, and for every tear you've ever cried in worry, and love for me.. I will strive to the day I am called home to be with you, to make you proud. To be the woman that you raised.. While you may have never carried a child in your womb, you would have NEVER known that by your love for us kids.. I love you with everything that I am momma, and I'm more like you than you ever knew.. Take care of my boys til I get there.. I can't wait til the day we're all joined again.. I love you..

Denise Arlene (Smith) Maddox
(May 8, 1961 - November 11, 2010)

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Denise Arlene (Smith) Maddox

Funeral services for Denise Arlene (Smith) Maddox will be 2:00pm Tuesday, November 16, 2010 in the Henninger-Hinson Funeral Home Chapel with Pastor Danny Marney officiating. Burial will follow in Waukomis Cemetery. Services are under the direction of Henninger-Hinson Funeral Home.

Denise was called home to her Lord and Savior Jesus Christ on November 11, 2010 in Rayne, LA. She was born May 8, 1961 to Jud and Georgia (Post) Smith in El Paso, TX, then moved to Waukomis as a young girl.

Denise was a beautiful gift from God, so full of life and love for her God and family. She will be so dearly missed by all who knew her.

She was preceded in death by her father, Jud Smith; grandson, Tristin Goodwin and nephew, Donny Letourneau.

Denise is survived by her son, Justin Maddox of Rayne, LA; daughter, Shannon (Maddox) Goodwin and husband, Aaron of St. Martinsville, LA; mother, Georgia Smith of Waukomis; two brothers, Val Smith and wife, Mary; Dean Smith and wife, Jeannie; three sisters, Joyce Letourneau and husband, Don; Karen Tiessen and husband, Chuck, all of Enid; Renee Fuksa and husband, Landis of Bison as well as numerous nieces, nephews, great nieces and great nephews.

Memorials can be made through the funeral home to Children’s Miracle Network.

Here's some photo's for everyone's enjoyment. .She was so loving, had such a great sense of humor, and LOVED life..

This is her and her best friend..

Her, her bff, and her bff's daughter

Her and my cousin for Mardi Gras

Mom..

Her last Christmas with us.. Christmas 2009

Thursday, October 21, 2010

Test results

Today I got the results of my blood work.. It seems as though my insulin is highly elevated. I am prediabetic, and will be going on metformin for at least a couple months, they will even keep me on it if/when I get pregnant, to ward off gestational diabetes.. They are also saying that more than likely I'm pcos, and haven't been ovulating on my own, hence why I never get a true positive on any opk's (ovulation predictor kits).. He said that if I don't get pregnant with the metforming in a couple months then they will start low dose fertility meds..

It's a lot to swallow, to know that my insulin is so elevated, and that I've not been truly ovulating on my own, they said my body is gearing up for it but just not truly doing it. That I can have lighter than normal periods (which I have) without ovulating, and that my cycles don't always have to be 40+ days, or that your ovaries don't always have to be full of cysts to be pcos, but I've got every other symptom, the facial hair, the weight gain around the mid section, the abdominal hair, the lack of true ovulation, the elevated insulin.. It's all really intimidating right now..

They told me that the metformin will probably also help me lose weight as it will cause nausea, vomiting, and diarrhea, but to keep taking it cause it will help me.. And that those feelings should subside in a few weeks or so.. They also want me to continue to use the opk's and progesterone after I ovulate..

I guess from here I have a lot of research and a lot to take in, so I'm gonna close this now, with one final thought, Could this be the cause of everything?

Thursday, October 14, 2010

A plan

That's right we've got a plan, finally!!

We finally got to visit with Dr. S, our RE, what an amazing man he is.. He already has me coming in for fasting blood work, and then on cd 3 will test my hormones, and possibly start with metformin, followed with a hcg trigger to force my body to ovulate, then of course timed intercourse, followed with progesterone.. Hopefully this will get us our living, healthy, active, sweet baby that we've been trying so long to get..

We of course will never ever in a million years forget our first 3 children, but this is opening up a new avenue for us, a possibility of fulfilling our family.. I feel so positive about this.

I am also starting a new eating lifestyle. Dr S. wants me to start a pcos/insulin resistant diet, so I'm trying to follow a diabetic lifestyle since my family is riddled with diabetes..

Thank you all my friends, and followers that's continued praying for my husband and I, I think all of our prayers are finally being answered..Thank you my friends...

Monday, August 9, 2010

A new day.

Writing shouldn't only be done when I'm in the deepest of my sorrows....

This is the sentence I said to myself when I stepped out of bed, of course this is by getting a nice and so friendly can I reschedule spraying your yard to tomorrow from my pest control service.. Bright and early 7 am on the dot... Wow.. NOT the reason I want my shopping dreams interrupted that's for sure..

But alas, I wake, snuggle next to Bandi, as this is my normal morning routine cause she always jumps into daddy's spot when he's up and getting ready for work. She's gone as far as to fake him out thinking she needs to go outside, only to get him out of bed so she can get in.. Silly little pup..

So as I splash my face with cold water I decided that this blog will be for everything, not just a dumping point when I'm sad, this should be the process through healing and moving forward, so every aspect of my emotions should be shared.. I'm not always the sad, depressed and overwhelmed, giving up girl I perceive myself to be.

I am the girl that woke up with something of a smile in her heart, as she got her morning coffee, watched her husband leave for work and start the TON of laundry that I have.. A ton, yes a lot of laundry.. We finally have gone through all of our clothes that were upstairs in boxes and such, and have piled the ones we're donating, and trashing the ones that were ready for the trash! Washing the others, cause if you have cats, then you know that they will find any little article of clothing (of course an entire box, basket or pile is better) to lay on. My 4 especially Rascal..

Today is a good day, emotionally I feel ok. I'm not necessarily ready to 'tackle the world' but for today I will tackle my house!! Surely I don't expect to finish it today, (yes falling into the depression pit, I've let it go) I tackle the project head on!! Today I don't let Mr. Depression in.. (*Thank you Elizabeth Gilbert for that description of depression.. Mr. Loneliness also in tow)So for today, I'm asking these two to leave my house, and let me tackle this day!!

Well Here I am saying Have a beautiful day!!!
I'm going to change the water in my roses, and start my kitchen..

* If you've read or are reading, Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert these are terms taken from her.* I highly recommend this book, I'm taking it slow, but it's still a great read..

Thursday, August 5, 2010

Ever feel....

Like the world and God has just given up on you? I feel like I fit in absolutely NO where.. I'm a member of many different online communities, where I used to feel so fulfilled, able to talk, and now, I feel lonely.. At home in real life I'm lonely.. I have nothing in common with anyone... Everyone's babies are turning 3... Everyone's getting pregnant... Why can't I? Why has God forgotten us?

I don't want sympathy, but I don't want to be forgotten either like some broken toy tossed to the side.. My friends in real life and cyber life RARELY IF EVER mention Tristan anymore.. Have they all forgotten him?

Although one friend that I hold very dear to my heart did write me an email here very recently that because of my Tristan, she loves her daughter's that much more, and gives them extra kisses and hugs.. That made my day, that little boy is my hero..

I feel down, hopeless and shattered again... I always get knocked right back down by reality.. I really must face reality that it's probably NOT going to happen.. I am broken, spiritually, emotionally and I guess physically..

I don't know what purpose God has in all this.. But I do know that I'm losing the battle and becoming a very bitter and angry person. I have been heard saying time and time again recently that it's never going to happen, I just need to sell what baby stuff I do have, and move on, get my tubes tied, or better yet, maybe a complete hysterectomy so that I never have to see the failure of every month..

Some of my dearest friends hardly even speak to me anymore, and I'm sure that's my fault as I don't speak much anymore either, but I don't know what to say, as I'm sure they're in the same boat. I know that everyone wants nothing more than us to have children, and are praying for us, but I feel like an outcast, hell I feel like an outcast in most situations, because you know, in real life, and cyber life I know of only a small amount of us that are still trying to fill our homes with at least just ONE baby. Everyone else is working on 2, 3, 4 or more.. I know that I shouldn't be jealous, but damnit I am beyond jealous.. Why them? Why not me? Better yet, WHY NOT BOTH OF US?!?!? Why can't I enjoy being pregnant with my friends? I would wish nothing but loads of children for everyone, but all I want is just one at least...

Maybe I'm being punished, maybe I'm not, but I don't know where to turn, either give me a baby or get rid of my womb......I think He's already closed it, so why fight the obvious?!? Just accept that it's never going to happen for us, we're never going to be parents.. Life sucks sometimes.......

Thursday, May 27, 2010

It's been a while....

I haven't written in a while, I guess I've been trying to move forward the best I can.. Which surprisingly is going a LOT easier than I ever fathomed possible..

Last month we really put our hearts and souls in to ttc, we tried new things and tried and true things, and nothing worked, as a matter of fact, it made my lp 5 days shorter, this scared me, and made me very sad and mad, I think I even went through a small rage phase there.. It was very short lived and only when I was alone..

I was/am pissed at God, I feel like I'm having a spiritual battle within my soul right now, but that's ok, He's helping me work through it!! I feel betrayed, hurt, and confused, but am seeing the light and knowing that I'm am me and this life is the life that He has mapped out for me already, but where I get confused, is this....He our Lord and Savior has a plan for everyone, has their lives mapped out before they're ever born, then why God do you give babies to murders, rapist, and abusers? Why am I seeing all over the news and babycenter abused babies and murdered babies, by their PARENTS??? What is the deal? I'm here with open arms wanting to love these babies and you're just giving them to people that will hurt them....I don't understand.. maybe in time, but now I don't..

So with that out, now on to where we are, we're taking an extended ttc break, I'd like to think it was just for the summer, but I really don't know how long we'll be breaking for.. I am really working on losing this fat that's shockingly appeared all over and that's going oh so slowly!! :)

We also want to work on us, between ttc, and work schedules, we're drifting apart, but I know with one major stressor gone we can drift back to one another.. I miss my husband and love him with every inch of my soul/heart!!

I'm so proud of myself though, I've gotten up, no longer sitting all day, been up and moving and guess what, I FEEL ALIVE!!!!!! My house is really coming together, and I feel like I could be whole again soon.. Don't get me wrong there's still an infant sized whole in my heart which I'm pretty sure will be with me forever, but I feel life seeping into my lungs again.. I feel the desire to live, and that alone is saying something..

My creative juices are flowing, and my brain is living and going so fast I can't seem to catch up with it.. For the first time in 4 years, but mainly the last 2, I can fully see the green in the leaves, the blue in the sky and the prickly little hairs on the caterpillars.. It's weird, I've felt in a hole so dark for so long, it's like seeing the world for the first time, I understand now how a blind man must feel when his sight is regained, so fresh, alive and colorful, vibrant colors.....Even my animals seem to be more alive, I guess it's true what they say, when mommy's down, everyone's down.. Now if I can just get in and get my husband to live again..

I've accepted the fact that we may never be parents to living children, and as sad as that makes me, I know that within our hearts we're going to be ok because we have 3 beautiful children waiting on us in the Kingdom of Heaven...

I really want to get my photography going, I would love to do more with it, than just a pasttime passion of mine... So please keep your prayers going that God will open many doors for me in this area, I'm ready!!! I would love to get good enough to also send in my photo's to NILMDTS and work with them, as hard as it is to lose your child, I can't imagine a more rewarding gift than capturing that love of the child for the parents.. I wish I would have known about NILMDTS when we lost Tristan......

Well this is all I have time for now, it's getting late, and I have so much to do.....

Wednesday, April 28, 2010

Lost........

This is how I explain the dream/nightmare, is just lost......

It all started right after I lost Tristan, the nightmare, the first night in the hospital, all the nightmare consisted of was my baby my sweet son, crying, and the nurses running with him in that plastic bassinet, running out of reach, every time I would get close, they would run, all I could hear was my baby crying, til I could hear him no more, I would run, chase, and search and no Tristan, no where.. I would wake up drenched in sweat and screaming in tears..

This nightmare has carried me through the greater part of the last 2 years.... It was the same dream nightly for the first 6 months then it got less and less time between. Til last night, last night was the first of "Lost" in about 6 months..But this dream was more detailed, more information provided..

It started the same, me searching, screaming, looking for Tristan, all I could hear was his tears, his crying out, but this time, the nurses were always in sight, always way ahead of me, but I didn't lose them this time.. This time they led me to the double doors, they read MOURGE on the doors, I just cried, saying no not again, I can't do this again, but I heard him, on the other side of those double doors, crying, the sounds so heart-wrenching I push myself through those doors, and I'm suddenly in the most beautiful powder blue room, filled with tiny little cribs, all full of content smiling babes, as I'm walking through the room looking for my sweet Tristan, I see so many other babies I've met, thinking this is so unfair, why are all these babies here? Why isn't my Tristan here? I could hear his faint whimpers, when these grand most beautiful hands I've ever seen reached out to me with my son cradled in them.. All I could see behind these hands was the most beautiful silhouette of a beautiful person, this person had my baby, and was giving him back to me.. I couldn't make out his face, this person, but His voice was so clear, when he said "Shannon I love you, and I know your hurting, I hurt with you.. And I got to ask him, this beautiful voice "why?, why, Tristan? Why didn't you take me too, you had the chance.." all he could tell me was that he loved me.. And that it was time for me to give Tristan back, I didn't want to, thinking of my options, running and running fast with him, trying to bring him back home, when my thought was interrupted with, "You will always have him with you, but right now, he physically has to stay with me," Giving him back was the hardest thing I had to do after losing him once.....But I walked back out those double doors and things were different, there was no more hospital, no double doors, no babies............then my alarm went off........

The dream was over, but still so vivid in my mind.. Did God reach out to me last night and let me hold my son? Or was it my yearning that brought to me that dream? One will never know, and one will never understand why God chose us.. And certainly no one will ever understand why I can't get pg now.. Everyone says Time Heals All......I'm still waiting......

Yes the pain has lessonend, the pain is different now, just more solid, and permanent.. I feel like I'm suffocating under a black cloud...

Here's a song that I want to share with you, this song is my ring tone on my phone, and a song that has brought to me much comfort the last 2 years!!
Please watch this video!

Monday, April 19, 2010

Oklahoma City.......15 years ago

15 years ago, a very tragic event happened, at the time it was the largest, deadliest terrorist attack on our nation. 15 years ago today Timothy McVeigh and Terry Nichols took a Ryder truck full of explosives and parked it in front of the Oklahoma City Federal building.. At 9:02 A.M. so many lives were shattered.. I remember sitting in my first class of the day, Algebra I my sophmore year, and feeling my school shake, no body knew what it was but suspected it was the broiler room. Little did we know that our lives, our history would be forever changed..

April 15, 1995, 168 lives were taken by a 5,000lb bomb..By a milita that was pissed off at the government...

Today I just wanted to take a moment and remember all those lives taken were not in vain, that those people were loved, and are missed daily!!!

I found this poem on the facebook page.....It touched me..

And the wind's still sweeping
down the plains of Oklahoma
and it dries the tears
on the faces of the people there
if you didn't lose someone
you knew someone
it was too much pain to bear
and the wind swept across the nation
as they bowed their heads in prayer

And the waving wheat
seems to wave goodbye
in the canyons you could s...wear
you hear the children cry
and in the time it takes a mother
just to blink an eye
they're gone.....they're gone

And the wind's still sweeping
down the plains of Oklahoma
and it whispers a reminder
of the memory that should
never leave us all
if it didn't break your heart
it tore your world apart
from sea to shining sea
please someone light a candle
and let it burn....eternally.

So please as you close your eyes tonight, say a prayer for all the family's affected by this tragic tragic event....

This was my home.... I miss Oklahoma!!

For actual news footage of April 19,1995

A video that was made, shows the heartache, shock and destruction....

Thursday, April 15, 2010

The Pit

The Pit

The day my child died, I fell into the pit of grief. My friends watched me struggle through daily life, waiting for the person I once was to arise from the pit, not realizing "she" is gone forever.

The pit is full of darkness, heartache and despair, it paralyzes your thoughts, movements and ability to ration. The pit leaves you forever changed, unable to surface the person you once were.

Some of my pre-grief friends gather around the top of the pit, waiting for the old me to appear before their eyes, not understanding what's taking me so long to emerge. After all, in their eyes, I've been in the pit for quite sometime. Yet in my eyes, it seems as if I fell in only yesterday.

Not all of my pre-grief friends are gathered around the top of the pit. Some are helping me with the climb out of the darkness. They climb side by side with me from time to time, but mostly they climb ahead of me, waiting patiently at each plateau. Even with these friends I sometimes wonder if they are also waiting for the pre-grief me to magically appear before their eyes.

Then there are the casual acquaintances, you know the ones who say, "Hi, how are you?" when they really don't care or really want to know. These are the people who sigh in relief, that it is my child who died and not theirs. You know...the "better them, than me" attitude.

My post-grief friends (and a rare pre-grief friend) are the ones who climb with me, side by side, inch by inch, out of the pit with me. They are able to reassure me when I need reassurance, rest when I need resting, and encourage me to move forward when I don't have the strength. They have no expectations, no memories and no recollection of how I "should" be. They want me to get better, to smile more often and find joy in life, but they also accepted the person I've become. The "person" who is emerging from the pit

Author Unknown

Monday, April 12, 2010

April.....

I used to LOVE April, I mean it used to be my all time favorite month, I don't guess my birthday could have had anything to do with it?!?! Yes at a time of innocence, childhood, you always looked forward to birthday's.. yeah I'm finally getting older.. As a young woman I used to wish my years away so I could hurry up and be a wife and mommy, I've wanted that life since I was a child.. Anytime we ever played house, I was always the mommy.... We think that is' so easy, we go through life thinking, we grow up, we get married, and have babies.. No little girl ever dreams, Oh I'll grow up, get married, have multiple miscarriages, a stillbirth, and then we'll deal with infertility, and maybe by the time you give up all dreams of having that "leave it to beaver" family, you have a life of shattered dreams, hurt feelings and pain and sorrow.. A marriage holding on by friendship and unconditional love for your spouse that it pains you to think that one day that love to will leave you.. Not for several, several years you pray, but to think about growing old, and saying goodbye one day just rips my heart in two..

I often watch my sweet husband and wonder where he is in all this, what his true feelings and emotions are. When he says I'm ok baby, does he really mean I hurt so bad and can't show it? I wonder at times, did he do too good of a job taking such wonderful care of me, that he forgot about him self.. I see him glance, and stare at our son's beautiful photo's, and times that you can see him day dreaming looking out the window thinking, "my son and I should be out there playing".. I see the pain, but don't know how to reach it, or if I even should.

I've seen the stress, strain and struggles our marriage has had the last 4 years of ttc. To be honest, we both seemed to jump back easier through the miscarriages, it's not that we didn't hurt like hell from losing our first and second babies, our precious dreams gone; but I also sadly know that first trimester losses are too common, and happen to way to many women/men.. It's almost like dr's, and people in general expect it (if you're on the side of loss, you will get it), but to lose a baby after 8 months of carrying him, feeling his every move, his every hiccup, worrying if he was hiccuping too much (lol)... Or holding him in your arms after he's already been called home, for some reason to me, there was a huge difference in the way that I dealt with his loss vs. Xavier's and February's. I feel guilty when thinking about this, but in all actuality it's true..

I feel sorta closer with Tristan, like he was the one, the one I was supposed to bring home, the one that we were getting the nursery ready for.. Now that's not saying that every Sept. 18 and 19th that I don't think of my sweet Xavier lost at 9w5d.. (we knew he was a boy from the chromosonal/genetic testing after m/c.) And it's not like every February 12, I don't think of the baby that NEVER developed, the baby that went for a year without a name, but I couldn't deal with not having that closure, so we named it February after the month we said good-bye to our little blighted ovum at 8w3d. And of course then we have Tristan's birthday January 21.. You know they say that the pain from loss lesson's, and while I agree with this to some point, it's different, it's settling that I'm always going to hurt, no matter what, or how happy I might be, I will never stop hurting. The mask is hard to wear at times..

People tell me, 'quit talking about him, it will hurt less' -yea you or me?-
People tell me to quit trying and it will happen..-yea, you've apparently never walked this journey.
People tell me, "in His time"- yea I know, heard it a million times.

Don't you think I would LOVE to quit trying, to have more patience, but that's not me, I'm not one that just can give up a little, or none at all...I'm either all in or all out, I for some reason can't find that happy little medium...

Don't you think I would love to be able to say that yea I wasn't even trying and look at this beautiful little blessing I've received..

Don't you think I would Love to go back to work but yea can't stand to see everything I don't have, and really hate the 'pathetic I feel sorry for you looks when you share your story.. Or when someone asks, "do you have any children", what am I supposed to do but to tell the truth? I always reply, yes, I have 3 in heaven.. I'm not lying nor denying my children, yet people look at me with this look, I don't want to face "the look".. So I stay home....I like home..

Wow, guess I just felt like talking today... Here's to a new (25th) cycle, and on to next month then we can finally get to the dr.. Then maybe we'll have some clear answers, and hopefully our blessing will come!!!

to my angels how I miss you so, not a day go by.. I love you all my sweet angels..