Test results

Today I got the results of my blood work.. It seems as though my insulin is highly elevated. I am prediabetic, and will be going on metformin for at least a couple months, they will even keep me on it if/when I get pregnant, to ward off gestational diabetes.. They are also saying that more than likely I'm pcos, and haven't been ovulating on my own, hence why I never get a true positive on any opk's (ovulation predictor kits).. He said that if I don't get pregnant with the metforming in a couple months then they will start low dose fertility meds..

It's a lot to swallow, to know that my insulin is so elevated, and that I've not been truly ovulating on my own, they said my body is gearing up for it but just not truly doing it. That I can have lighter than normal periods (which I have) without ovulating, and that my cycles don't always have to be 40+ days, or that your ovaries don't always have to be full of cysts to be pcos, but I've got every other symptom, the facial hair, the weight gain around the mid section, the abdominal hair, the lack of true ovulation, the elevated insulin.. It's all really intimidating right now..

They told me that the metformin will probably also help me lose weight as it will cause nausea, vomiting, and diarrhea, but to keep taking it cause it will help me.. And that those feelings should subside in a few weeks or so.. They also want me to continue to use the opk's and progesterone after I ovulate..

I guess from here I have a lot of research and a lot to take in, so I'm gonna close this now, with one final thought, Could this be the cause of everything?

A plan

That's right we've got a plan, finally!!

We finally got to visit with Dr. S, our RE, what an amazing man he is.. He already has me coming in for fasting blood work, and then on cd 3 will test my hormones, and possibly start with metformin, followed with a hcg trigger to force my body to ovulate, then of course timed intercourse, followed with progesterone.. Hopefully this will get us our living, healthy, active, sweet baby that we've been trying so long to get..

We of course will never ever in a million years forget our first 3 children, but this is opening up a new avenue for us, a possibility of fulfilling our family.. I feel so positive about this.

I am also starting a new eating lifestyle. Dr S. wants me to start a pcos/insulin resistant diet, so I'm trying to follow a diabetic lifestyle since my family is riddled with diabetes..

Thank you all my friends, and followers that's continued praying for my husband and I, I think all of our prayers are finally being answered..Thank you my friends...

A new day.

Writing shouldn't only be done when I'm in the deepest of my sorrows....

This is the sentence I said to myself when I stepped out of bed, of course this is by getting a nice and so friendly can I reschedule spraying your yard to tomorrow from my pest control service.. Bright and early 7 am on the dot... Wow.. NOT the reason I want my shopping dreams interrupted that's for sure..

But alas, I wake, snuggle next to Bandi, as this is my normal morning routine cause she always jumps into daddy's spot when he's up and getting ready for work. She's gone as far as to fake him out thinking she needs to go outside, only to get him out of bed so she can get in.. Silly little pup..

So as I splash my face with cold water I decided that this blog will be for everything, not just a dumping point when I'm sad, this should be the process through healing and moving forward, so every aspect of my emotions should be shared.. I'm not always the sad, depressed and overwhelmed, giving up girl I perceive myself to be.

I am the girl that woke up with something of a smile in her heart, as she got her morning coffee, watched her husband leave for work and start the TON of laundry that I have.. A ton, yes a lot of laundry.. We finally have gone through all of our clothes that were upstairs in boxes and such, and have piled the ones we're donating, and trashing the ones that were ready for the trash! Washing the others, cause if you have cats, then you know that they will find any little article of clothing (of course an entire box, basket or pile is better) to lay on. My 4 especially Rascal..

Today is a good day, emotionally I feel ok. I'm not necessarily ready to 'tackle the world' but for today I will tackle my house!! Surely I don't expect to finish it today, (yes falling into the depression pit, I've let it go) I tackle the project head on!! Today I don't let Mr. Depression in.. (*Thank you Elizabeth Gilbert for that description of depression.. Mr. Loneliness also in tow)So for today, I'm asking these two to leave my house, and let me tackle this day!!

Well Here I am saying Have a beautiful day!!!
I'm going to change the water in my roses, and start my kitchen..





* If you've read or are reading, Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert these are terms taken from her.* I highly recommend this book, I'm taking it slow, but it's still a great read..

Ever feel....

Like the world and God has just given up on you? I feel like I fit in absolutely NO where.. I'm a member of many different online communities, where I used to feel so fulfilled, able to talk, and now, I feel lonely.. At home in real life I'm lonely.. I have nothing in common with anyone... Everyone's babies are turning 3... Everyone's getting pregnant... Why can't I? Why has God forgotten us?

I don't want sympathy, but I don't want to be forgotten either like some broken toy tossed to the side.. My friends in real life and cyber life RARELY IF EVER mention Tristan anymore.. Have they all forgotten him?

Although one friend that I hold very dear to my heart did write me an email here very recently that because of my Tristan, she loves her daughter's that much more, and gives them extra kisses and hugs.. That made my day, that little boy is my hero..

I feel down, hopeless and shattered again... I always get knocked right back down by reality.. I really must face reality that it's probably NOT going to happen.. I am broken, spiritually, emotionally and I guess physically..

I don't know what purpose God has in all this.. But I do know that I'm losing the battle and becoming a very bitter and angry person. I have been heard saying time and time again recently that it's never going to happen, I just need to sell what baby stuff I do have, and move on, get my tubes tied, or better yet, maybe a complete hysterectomy so that I never have to see the failure of every month..

Some of my dearest friends hardly even speak to me anymore, and I'm sure that's my fault as I don't speak much anymore either, but I don't know what to say, as I'm sure they're in the same boat. I know that everyone wants nothing more than us to have children, and are praying for us, but I feel like an outcast, hell I feel like an outcast in most situations, because you know, in real life, and cyber life I know of only a small amount of us that are still trying to fill our homes with at least just ONE baby. Everyone else is working on 2, 3, 4 or more.. I know that I shouldn't be jealous, but damnit I am beyond jealous.. Why them? Why not me? Better yet, WHY NOT BOTH OF US?!?!? Why can't I enjoy being pregnant with my friends? I would wish nothing but loads of children for everyone, but all I want is just one at least...

Maybe I'm being punished, maybe I'm not, but I don't know where to turn, either give me a baby or get rid of my womb......I think He's already closed it, so why fight the obvious?!? Just accept that it's never going to happen for us, we're never going to be parents.. Life sucks sometimes.......

It's been a while....

I haven't written in a while, I guess I've been trying to move forward the best I can.. Which surprisingly is going a LOT easier than I ever fathomed possible..

Last month we really put our hearts and souls in to ttc, we tried new things and tried and true things, and nothing worked, as a matter of fact, it made my lp 5 days shorter, this scared me, and made me very sad and mad, I think I even went through a small rage phase there.. It was very short lived and only when I was alone..

I was/am pissed at God, I feel like I'm having a spiritual battle within my soul right now, but that's ok, He's helping me work through it!! I feel betrayed, hurt, and confused, but am seeing the light and knowing that I'm am me and this life is the life that He has mapped out for me already, but where I get confused, is this....He our Lord and Savior has a plan for everyone, has their lives mapped out before they're ever born, then why God do you give babies to murders, rapist, and abusers? Why am I seeing all over the news and babycenter abused babies and murdered babies, by their PARENTS??? What is the deal? I'm here with open arms wanting to love these babies and you're just giving them to people that will hurt them....I don't understand.. maybe in time, but now I don't..

So with that out, now on to where we are, we're taking an extended ttc break, I'd like to think it was just for the summer, but I really don't know how long we'll be breaking for.. I am really working on losing this fat that's shockingly appeared all over and that's going oh so slowly!! :)

We also want to work on us, between ttc, and work schedules, we're drifting apart, but I know with one major stressor gone we can drift back to one another.. I miss my husband and love him with every inch of my soul/heart!!

I'm so proud of myself though, I've gotten up, no longer sitting all day, been up and moving and guess what, I FEEL ALIVE!!!!!! My house is really coming together, and I feel like I could be whole again soon.. Don't get me wrong there's still an infant sized whole in my heart which I'm pretty sure will be with me forever, but I feel life seeping into my lungs again.. I feel the desire to live, and that alone is saying something..

My creative juices are flowing, and my brain is living and going so fast I can't seem to catch up with it.. For the first time in 4 years, but mainly the last 2, I can fully see the green in the leaves, the blue in the sky and the prickly little hairs on the caterpillars.. It's weird, I've felt in a hole so dark for so long, it's like seeing the world for the first time, I understand now how a blind man must feel when his sight is regained, so fresh, alive and colorful, vibrant colors.....Even my animals seem to be more alive, I guess it's true what they say, when mommy's down, everyone's down.. Now if I can just get in and get my husband to live again..

I've accepted the fact that we may never be parents to living children, and as sad as that makes me, I know that within our hearts we're going to be ok because we have 3 beautiful children waiting on us in the Kingdom of Heaven...

I really want to get my photography going, I would love to do more with it, than just a pasttime passion of mine... So please keep your prayers going that God will open many doors for me in this area, I'm ready!!! I would love to get good enough to also send in my photo's to NILMDTS and work with them, as hard as it is to lose your child, I can't imagine a more rewarding gift than capturing that love of the child for the parents.. I wish I would have known about NILMDTS when we lost Tristan......

Well this is all I have time for now, it's getting late, and I have so much to do.....

Lost........

This is how I explain the dream/nightmare, is just lost......

It all started right after I lost Tristan, the nightmare, the first night in the hospital, all the nightmare consisted of was my baby my sweet son, crying, and the nurses running with him in that plastic bassinet, running out of reach, every time I would get close, they would run, all I could hear was my baby crying, til I could hear him no more, I would run, chase, and search and no Tristan, no where.. I would wake up drenched in sweat and screaming in tears..

This nightmare has carried me through the greater part of the last 2 years.... It was the same dream nightly for the first 6 months then it got less and less time between. Til last night, last night was the first of "Lost" in about 6 months..But this dream was more detailed, more information provided..

It started the same, me searching, screaming, looking for Tristan, all I could hear was his tears, his crying out, but this time, the nurses were always in sight, always way ahead of me, but I didn't lose them this time.. This time they led me to the double doors, they read MOURGE on the doors, I just cried, saying no not again, I can't do this again, but I heard him, on the other side of those double doors, crying, the sounds so heart-wrenching I push myself through those doors, and I'm suddenly in the most beautiful powder blue room, filled with tiny little cribs, all full of content smiling babes, as I'm walking through the room looking for my sweet Tristan, I see so many other babies I've met, thinking this is so unfair, why are all these babies here? Why isn't my Tristan here? I could hear his faint whimpers, when these grand most beautiful hands I've ever seen reached out to me with my son cradled in them.. All I could see behind these hands was the most beautiful silhouette of a beautiful person, this person had my baby, and was giving him back to me.. I couldn't make out his face, this person, but His voice was so clear, when he said "Shannon I love you, and I know your hurting, I hurt with you.. And I got to ask him, this beautiful voice "why?, why, Tristan? Why didn't you take me too, you had the chance.." all he could tell me was that he loved me.. And that it was time for me to give Tristan back, I didn't want to, thinking of my options, running and running fast with him, trying to bring him back home, when my thought was interrupted with, "You will always have him with you, but right now, he physically has to stay with me," Giving him back was the hardest thing I had to do after losing him once.....But I walked back out those double doors and things were different, there was no more hospital, no double doors, no babies............then my alarm went off........

The dream was over, but still so vivid in my mind.. Did God reach out to me last night and let me hold my son? Or was it my yearning that brought to me that dream? One will never know, and one will never understand why God chose us.. And certainly no one will ever understand why I can't get pg now.. Everyone says Time Heals All......I'm still waiting......

Yes the pain has lessonend, the pain is different now, just more solid, and permanent.. I feel like I'm suffocating under a black cloud...

Here's a song that I want to share with you, this song is my ring tone on my phone, and a song that has brought to me much comfort the last 2 years!!
Please watch this video!

Oklahoma City.......15 years ago

15 years ago, a very tragic event happened, at the time it was the largest, deadliest terrorist attack on our nation. 15 years ago today Timothy McVeigh and Terry Nichols took a Ryder truck full of explosives and parked it in front of the Oklahoma City Federal building.. At 9:02 A.M. so many lives were shattered.. I remember sitting in my first class of the day, Algebra I my sophmore year, and feeling my school shake, no body knew what it was but suspected it was the broiler room. Little did we know that our lives, our history would be forever changed..

April 15, 1995, 168 lives were taken by a 5,000lb bomb..By a milita that was pissed off at the government...

Today I just wanted to take a moment and remember all those lives taken were not in vain, that those people were loved, and are missed daily!!!


I found this poem on the facebook page.....It touched me..

And the wind's still sweeping
down the plains of Oklahoma
and it dries the tears
on the faces of the people there
if you didn't lose someone
you knew someone
it was too much pain to bear
and the wind swept across the nation
as they bowed their heads in prayer

And the waving wheat
seems to wave goodbye
in the canyons you could s...wear
you hear the children cry
and in the time it takes a mother
just to blink an eye
they're gone.....they're gone

And the wind's still sweeping
down the plains of Oklahoma
and it whispers a reminder
of the memory that should
never leave us all
if it didn't break your heart
it tore your world apart
from sea to shining sea
please someone light a candle
and let it burn....eternally.


So please as you close your eyes tonight, say a prayer for all the family's affected by this tragic tragic event....

This was my home.... I miss Oklahoma!!

For actual news footage of April 19,1995

A video that was made, shows the heartache, shock and destruction....

The Pit


The Pit

The day my child died, I fell into the pit of grief. My friends watched me struggle through daily life, waiting for the person I once was to arise from the pit, not realizing "she" is gone forever.

The pit is full of darkness, heartache and despair, it paralyzes your thoughts, movements and ability to ration. The pit leaves you forever changed, unable to surface the person you once were.

Some of my pre-grief friends gather around the top of the pit, waiting for the old me to appear before their eyes, not understanding what's taking me so long to emerge. After all, in their eyes, I've been in the pit for quite sometime. Yet in my eyes, it seems as if I fell in only yesterday.

Not all of my pre-grief friends are gathered around the top of the pit. Some are helping me with the climb out of the darkness. They climb side by side with me from time to time, but mostly they climb ahead of me, waiting patiently at each plateau. Even with these friends I sometimes wonder if they are also waiting for the pre-grief me to magically appear before their eyes.

Then there are the casual acquaintances, you know the ones who say, "Hi, how are you?" when they really don't care or really want to know. These are the people who sigh in relief, that it is my child who died and not theirs. You know...the "better them, than me" attitude.

My post-grief friends (and a rare pre-grief friend) are the ones who climb with me, side by side, inch by inch, out of the pit with me. They are able to reassure me when I need reassurance, rest when I need resting, and encourage me to move forward when I don't have the strength. They have no expectations, no memories and no recollection of how I "should" be. They want me to get better, to smile more often and find joy in life, but they also accepted the person I've become. The "person" who is emerging from the pit

Author Unknown

April.....

I used to LOVE April, I mean it used to be my all time favorite month, I don't guess my birthday could have had anything to do with it?!?! Yes at a time of innocence, childhood, you always looked forward to birthday's.. yeah I'm finally getting older.. As a young woman I used to wish my years away so I could hurry up and be a wife and mommy, I've wanted that life since I was a child.. Anytime we ever played house, I was always the mommy.... We think that is' so easy, we go through life thinking, we grow up, we get married, and have babies.. No little girl ever dreams, Oh I'll grow up, get married, have multiple miscarriages, a stillbirth, and then we'll deal with infertility, and maybe by the time you give up all dreams of having that "leave it to beaver" family, you have a life of shattered dreams, hurt feelings and pain and sorrow.. A marriage holding on by friendship and unconditional love for your spouse that it pains you to think that one day that love to will leave you.. Not for several, several years you pray, but to think about growing old, and saying goodbye one day just rips my heart in two..

I often watch my sweet husband and wonder where he is in all this, what his true feelings and emotions are. When he says I'm ok baby, does he really mean I hurt so bad and can't show it? I wonder at times, did he do too good of a job taking such wonderful care of me, that he forgot about him self.. I see him glance, and stare at our son's beautiful photo's, and times that you can see him day dreaming looking out the window thinking, "my son and I should be out there playing".. I see the pain, but don't know how to reach it, or if I even should.

I've seen the stress, strain and struggles our marriage has had the last 4 years of ttc. To be honest, we both seemed to jump back easier through the miscarriages, it's not that we didn't hurt like hell from losing our first and second babies, our precious dreams gone; but I also sadly know that first trimester losses are too common, and happen to way to many women/men.. It's almost like dr's, and people in general expect it (if you're on the side of loss, you will get it), but to lose a baby after 8 months of carrying him, feeling his every move, his every hiccup, worrying if he was hiccuping too much (lol)... Or holding him in your arms after he's already been called home, for some reason to me, there was a huge difference in the way that I dealt with his loss vs. Xavier's and February's. I feel guilty when thinking about this, but in all actuality it's true..

I feel sorta closer with Tristan, like he was the one, the one I was supposed to bring home, the one that we were getting the nursery ready for.. Now that's not saying that every Sept. 18 and 19th that I don't think of my sweet Xavier lost at 9w5d.. (we knew he was a boy from the chromosonal/genetic testing after m/c.) And it's not like every February 12, I don't think of the baby that NEVER developed, the baby that went for a year without a name, but I couldn't deal with not having that closure, so we named it February after the month we said good-bye to our little blighted ovum at 8w3d. And of course then we have Tristan's birthday January 21.. You know they say that the pain from loss lesson's, and while I agree with this to some point, it's different, it's settling that I'm always going to hurt, no matter what, or how happy I might be, I will never stop hurting. The mask is hard to wear at times..

People tell me, 'quit talking about him, it will hurt less' -yea you or me?-
People tell me to quit trying and it will happen..-yea, you've apparently never walked this journey.
People tell me, "in His time"- yea I know, heard it a million times.

Don't you think I would LOVE to quit trying, to have more patience, but that's not me, I'm not one that just can give up a little, or none at all...I'm either all in or all out, I for some reason can't find that happy little medium...

Don't you think I would love to be able to say that yea I wasn't even trying and look at this beautiful little blessing I've received..

Don't you think I would Love to go back to work but yea can't stand to see everything I don't have, and really hate the 'pathetic I feel sorry for you looks when you share your story.. Or when someone asks, "do you have any children", what am I supposed to do but to tell the truth? I always reply, yes, I have 3 in heaven.. I'm not lying nor denying my children, yet people look at me with this look, I don't want to face "the look".. So I stay home....I like home..

Wow, guess I just felt like talking today... Here's to a new (25th) cycle, and on to next month then we can finally get to the dr.. Then maybe we'll have some clear answers, and hopefully our blessing will come!!!

to my angels how I miss you so, not a day go by.. I love you all my sweet angels..

4 Alarm Fire's..

A friend I've grown to know and respect the last several months has lost everything in a house fire, I'm trying to raise money to help her...

Please do what your heart compels of you, whether it's a prayer or monetary donations, just please keep this family in your thoughts..

She has a husband, 2 sons, and a baby on the way.....

Infertility Hurts

I know that God has a plan, He say's so..

I don't understand what's wrong with me, why have we been forgotten? I've been pregnant 3 times, and have lost all my babies, and now what I'm broken, and can't even get a damn false positive?!?! I mean I just don't get it, there's women that are getting pregnant left and right that prevent pregnancy, yet I try, I try my hardest, eat right, exercising, taking my vitamins, temping, opk's and NOTHING is working.. My dr. wants me to call him this cycle to start clomid, but we can't swing it til May, I'm losing all hope, and my faith is running thin......

I try to stay positive but it's very hard. I don't know how much more of this journey I can take before fully crumbling........

I guess we'll give the clomid 4-6 months then I think I'm done......

Another spring's arrival

Yes the beginning of birds chirping, locusts chirping, crickets waking from their slumber. The bees are buzzing while the butterflies flutter.. It's a beautiful awakening after a dark and cold slumber. Hearing the sounds of spring should be cheering me right up, right? Well for some reason I can't seem to get you off my mind. Your due date was supposed to be today, how weird it is that I didn't even realize it til right now when looking at the online calendar. No wonder I've been in the dark for the last week, not only was I missing you something fierce, I had another month/cycle to come and go. I've allowed myself to wallow in my own self pity for the last week and it's time to get off the pity horse and on my own 2 feet again.

I don't understand why missing you, comes in waves, that seem to slam you in the back knocking you face down in the raging ocean of grief. It does hit at the oddest of times. Today is the actual day you should have turned 2, but your birthday is in January.. I miss you sweet angel.

I pray that you and Jesus still have a baby brother or sister picked out and awaiting us as we await them. We are ready. We're more than ready. Mommy isn't ever going to forget you my son, but I am ready to move forward with your help guiding me through the storms.. I love you, daddy loves you, and wish that things were different. I know that the time is only very short for you, and I am so ever greatful that you don't have to feel the pain that daddy and I feel.

I stumbled upon a blog the other day, and it was about a 2 year old little girl battling stage 4 high risk neoroblastoma, and she lost that battle on March 9th, 2010, and daddy and I hoped that you were waiting for her next to Jesus and helped guide her through heaven to her family already there. And that you and Layla are fast friends and that she's whole again and well.. It made me realize that maybe God was protecting daddy and I.. How would we have ever said good-bye after getting to know you for 2 years as her mommy and daddy did.. How could we have ever been that strong? I have battled my strength through losing you, and honestly at times don't know how I've made it to where I am. I know that I can't remember half of the last 2 years. I don't know if I just am better at blocking out the painful stuff, or, am I truly getting better? I would like to think that it's a little of both..

I haven't felt more like myself as I have the last few weeks, til this week hit.. This week has sucked..


Tristan,
Not a moment goes by that I don't miss and think about you. I love you sweet angel, and know that you're well and are near. I just long for the day that I get to hold you again. I love you sweet boy......

Happy Birthday

Happy Birthday my baby boy!! How badly we miss you and wish that you were here, that we were having a real birthday party for you, but I can only imagine the birthday that you had!! I love you so very very much Tristan.. 2 years it's been since I've held your lifeless little self.. 2 years it's been since I've felt your last kick.. I'm sorry I'm not with you, and I hope that you're alright, just keep knowing that one day mommy and daddy will get to hold, run and play with you and your siblings soon!!


Happy birthday to you
happy birthday to you
happy birthday my sweet Tristan
happy birthday to you!!

Oh son we love and miss you.. Stay near, and know that you're ALWAYS in our hearts, always!!

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!

Well the day is nearing an end, and I have a moment to write.... This year in summery has been another difficult year, so I was really glad to see it go..

My year was well it was just that, long, boring at times, sad at times, full of new's I did a LOT of healing this last year so that's good.. I made new friends through that healing and the ones I already had we grew closer.. I am greatful for the friends that stood by me, and I am greatful for the rekindled friends as well..



My mother had 5 yes FIVE heartattacks, 2 of which were massive, and she coded (died if you will) all 5 times.....I'm VERY VERY greatful my momma is here with us another year, this tickles me pink..

My brother is SOBER!!! I never thought this day would come, I can't tell you how happy I am about that, how exciting he's got new and available opportunities for himself now!!

My father is apparently getting remarried, maybe the 3rd time will be the charm. Sickening yes I agree.....I have no further words, I hurt that he's I guess "forgot" that he has 2 adult children of HIS own, but that's alright, it is what it is.....

We bought a house!! This is a very good thing!! I LOVE our house, it's everything plus more than what I ever dreamt of owning!! Our first holidays' here were a huge hit, and I'm so proud of that, although I really don't recommend hosting TWO holiday dinners in a row when on a VERY tight budget, and just buying a house... Unless you're made of money!! Whew glad it's over!! Lol, ha ha :)..

My Inlaws are doing splendly they've come down twice once for Thanksgiving and then for New Year, always great spending time with them and getting to know them even better..

We got a puppy, her name is Bandi, the cats are taking their sweet time getting used to her, but hopefully within the next few weeks they will be fast friends.

My best friend is pregnant again, expecting a little girl, I couldn't be happier, I'm going to be an adopted aunty again!!! :D

A LOT of my great friends my cyber family have had their babies, some of which were the 2nd babies, and I am so honored to be apart of their lives....

A lot of my 2nd cyber family the family that NO parent wants to be apart of have had their rainbows or are expecting their rainbows, and that is the most awesome thing to see and be a part of..

My cousin, who has waited patiently for a baby since her and her husband were married and have been going through the adoption process for the last 2 years finally got their prayers answered right before the new year, how wonderful for our God to bless them with a beautiful perfect little boy!!

And we're still experiencing secondary infertility, it sucks, and I feel broken and like a failure that my body has just stopped getting pregnant, like it's almost forgotten how!! I'm praying with a little work on myself and getting myself back to a healthy body then somehow it will click with my body that hey, its' ok to get pg..... It's time, it's been almost 2 years that we've been trying to conceive after having Tristan....

The holidays were a lot easier to get through than I thought, the week or so before were hard, but I'm ok, I miss my son terribly, but he was called home for something very special I'm sure.. I have faith in our God that He will bless us with the desires of our hearts because I refuse to lose faith or give up ttc...

So this is our last year in summery. It's not pretty but it's our year..

I have a vow to change myself, and my life!!!
So I hope that everyone has a very Happy New year, and New Decade......Many blessings, and much happiness I hope finds you!!!

Christmas time without you here......

Merry Christmas my sweet boy!!! I know mommy's a day early, but I don't know that I'll be able to be near the computer much tomorrow and of course I wanted to let you know that as always you're especially in my mind right now!!

I hurt for not only us, but for every mother and father, brother, sister, grandma, grandpa, aunt, uncle, and cousin that is missing their precious babies, and loved ones this Christmas.. This year like last has been a year of great loss. We lost 2 great men this year in our family alone, your Uncle James, and "uncle" Jimmy, both are very missed. But you my angel, you I miss most of all.. I hope that doesn't meant that I'm a heartless or bad person...

I want to say to all PARENTS of a lost baby/infant/ or child that I feel your pain, my heart aches with yours. And I would give anything to give your children back to you, as much as I would love to go to heaven and grab my children and bring them home.. I just wanted to say that I love you you all, that you are all strong men and women, because it takes a strong heart to go through what we have all gone through.

Many people tell us, oh I know how you feel because I lost my mom, grandma, etc.. It's not the same, I know I've lost my grandmother, uncle, best friend, great grandma, NOTHING compares to the loss of your child. Because in a parents mind, WE especially us mother's are supposed to protect our young, and when that child dies, we feel like we've failed on protecting our baby.. Now saying this is not to diminish any pain you feel for the loss of your loved one in any way, but please don't compare the 2, they're completely different..

Anyway, long winded as I can get, I just wanted to reach out and ((((((HUG))))))) all of you parents missing your sweet little ones this holiday season. May God bless you during this time and keep you safely tucked into His palms, protecting you all from heartache, words, and anyone that may not understand the pain you feel and say something beyond ignorant!!! Just know that I as a grieving mother, will be holding you up in prayer and love!!

23 months

Have come and gone since I've held your sweet little self.. I miss you so much son. Christmas is quickly approaching and it's the 2nd without you, I don't know how I've made it this far, but I know it's got to be Christ that's carried me.. I imagine that Christmas is spectacular up in Heaven, that spending this glorious day with Jesus on the day that He was born has to be the most wonderful sight there ever was..
Although mommy's a little selfish and would rather you be here, I know there is no greater place I could ever imagine you being. I love you so much with everything that I am..
I've had a hard time really getting into the spirit but I feel you near.. Know that you're thought of daily, and missed so terribly!!

With all our love my sweet dragonfly
Love you always
Mommy

22 months since we've said hello, and good bye

It's almost Thanksgiving, and your grandparents will be in town (daddy's parents).. I'm looking forward to that, I love cooking and hosting, even if it does stress me a tad..

Today is weird, its' like you're crying from heaven it's been raining intermittent all day.. I don't like to think of you crying, I wonder though if you miss us... The weather is perfect for my mood though, bleak, and cold.. You've been gone for 22 months today, it seems so surreal.. Some days it seems as only yesterday and then days like today it seems years ago... I'm having a hard time dealing with the fact that your 2 year birthday is coming up, and you're not here.. There are no dragonflies today, but there's lots of little sparrow's and finches, singing outside the window, did you send them for me today, just to see me smile?

Do you feel my love in heaven? Sweetie I hope that Uncle Jimmy found you he's almost been gone a month now, and he will have lots of stories about your daddy I'm sure.. Please tell him we love him, and miss him and to stay close to his daughter as she really needs to feel him!! Just like mommy and daddy really need to feel you..



You know in reality I know that my son is not reading these pages, why do I continue to write like he is?!? I ask myself this all the time, maybe it's my way of letting him know that I'm here, I still miss him terribly.. I sit here in my new house and wonder if he would have loved it, would I have had trouble keeping him off of the stairs?!? I know he would have loved playing in the back yard that's for sure...

I am feeling a little down today, 22 months that we said hello/goodbye, and I still don't understand why us, why my Tristan?!? He was everything we wanted, dreamed of and longed for.. Now I find myself longing for my Rainbow after the storm, wondering if it's ever going to come, or did God forget about us?! I don't like to think that God has forgotten about us, but there are so many other's that he's answered their prayers and still we sit here, still we praise Him, and still we pray.....

Every one I know is having living healthy babies, why can't I?!?! What is so wrong with me?!? Is it because I'm fat? Is it because I am not a perfect house keeper? I'm not a "super" mom?!?!? Or am I just destined to be the 'cat' woman?!?! Either way, I'm so blissfully happy for everyone I know that's had their babies and is pregnant with their 2nd, or 3rd babies now, I just can't help to feel a little twinge of jealousy, for you see I want that so badly, I want to be awakened by a hungry or fussy baby at night?!? I want to comfort, love and hold my living healthy child.....

One day our miracle may come, one day our dreams may be fulfilled and prayers answered, but not this day, this day, I said hello and goodbye to the most perfect baby boy!!!

HAPPY 22ND MONTH HEAVENLY BIRTHDAY MY SON! WE MISS YOU TRISTAN!!

Missing him....

You know I haven't really allowed myself to just sit back and miss him in a long time, afraid of the pit reaching up and swallowing me again. But today I just really really miss my son. It's been almost 21 months, tomorrow will be 21 months, it's coming up on Halloween, everyone's talking about what their babies will be this year, and it hurts. I don't even have a pregnant belly to dream of next year. I hate allowing myself to feel this, but it's needed sometimes I guess. I hate feeling sorry for myself which seems that's all I've done for the last 21 months.

I still feel pangs of jealousy and hurt when I see a baby, especially when I see a 21 month old baby or I see a big ol pregnant belly. I still wonder at times why do they get to keep their baby and I don't. What's so wrong with me? Now I can't even get pregnant, what's wrong with me? I don't understand this and I really don't understand why me?!?!

I do tend to think and believe that God took Tristan so that I would be available for my mother and brother, but the selfish part of me wants to know why? Why was I robbed my baby and my glory for drama, and health problems? Why wasn't I allowed my baby?? There's mother's out there that obviously don't deserve their children yet they have healthy babies, and I did almost everything right and my baby boy died.

I feel bitter and angry, not all the time, but sometimes, especially when I see a teen mother, I don't know why but this makes me so sick and angry, that God thinks a teen would be a better mother than an adult woman with her life together, married and doing everything by His word??

I feel pathetic writing all this, that maybe I shouldn't have these feelings, but I'm human dammit and I want my chance to be a mother.. We are definitely not giving up although there are times that I just wish we could, but it's not in my blood to quit..This is our 2nd Halloween, Thanksgiving and Christmas without our Tristan. I dread January cause his 2nd birthday and there will be no joyous celebrations, no happy baby tearing open his gifts...

I'm open to ideas' for his birthday and am thinking so far (thanks to other mother's that's done this) taking all of my loss books and donating them to the hospital, but then what if I need them again? I hold on to them because of this thought, what if I lose another baby and need the books myself, but also a couple friends gave a few books, maybe I'll just hold on to the ones that were gifts, and put them away in hopes that one day I can donate them without having to have that thought of what if I lose another baby.

What else to do for his birthday, I know that I will be baking him his ribbon cake, this will be a tradition that I will not ever quit, and possibly a balloon release, but I've heard recently that releasing balloons is bad for the animals, ,so that makes me sad.. I will be planting his memorial garden hopefully in the spring, he will share with his siblings of course, those that I lost before him. How great does this sound, 3 pregnancies and 3 angels, I have no living children, I feel like a freak that belongs in a freak show, like I have something wrong with me, I'm broken, but my soul and faith is full.. My heart is healing although there's something always missing, and I'm totally NOT the same person I was 5 years ago, and am finding out that I will never again see that woman again, for she was a woman that never knew about loss this deep, never had a fleeting thought that I would lose my children, she was a naive, and gullable woman. Now the woman before you is shattered, hurt, and if you look at a broken mirror or glass that you've glued back together you will see me......

boy am I missing him....

A long time.....

It's been a long time since I've updated everyone on me, and my family or my emotional state!!
I'm actually doing MUCH better emotionally, the dreams still come from time to time and it's always that nasty one where the nurses are running with Tristan and he's crying, and I can't find him, I know it's the enemy putting that in my mind, but it still sucks!!

Lets see, you all know that my parents divorced, and that things were pretty nasty for a while and that he's getting married again to some skank, that literally smells of bo, like she never wears deoderant or something, but guess if it makes him happy I should be happy for him.. I really don't care....

My momma on the other hand hasn't had the best of times she had her first massive heartattack on August 7 2009 her lad kept clotting she had 3 blood clots in it at that time and she coded (died) 3 times on the table that night in cath lab. Then they get her home she's doing great until Sept. 11 she has another massive heartattack where her lad had clotted again and she coded twice on the table. She was in the hospital for a very long time this go around. She spent a few days in ICU then they transferred her to her own room she was there a day then the next morning started having severe chest pains again she was on her way to another massive MI, but they got her downstairs and into the cath lab rather quickly (thank God) where she had clotted again, so they decided to do a double bypass, it was scary, but she's home now and doing well..

My brother is doing great, we did an intervention on him and he's staying sober now!! Praise the Lord, cause only through Him is all the great happening.. He's going to AA meetings, and many other meetings to beat his alcoholism, I am so proud of him for doing this he really needs it and totally looks like a different man!!

My grandparents have moved down here off of the farm that my grandfather, aunts and father were born and raised on, it's weird really. They're living with my father and his "thing" she seems like the type to take over MY family ya know? It's really pissing me off but there's nothing I can do but pray about it!!

As for Aaron and I, we're doing great!! We bought our first home and I fall more and more in love with it every morning I wake up and see it's beautiful walls!! I am so happy for us that we're able to make this life change, and that we were able to do it,financially, emotinonally and all.. It was tough moving out of the apartment, only because a part of me a huge part of me felt like I was leaving my little Tristan behind, because that's where he died, but I know rationally that's not the case, he's with me everywhere I go, and I pray that this house brings us many many happy memories!!
About the house, omg it's awesome!!! It's a 1936 home 5 bedroom, 2 bath, beautiful!! The original double sideboard cast iron sink, the original Okeefe and Merritt stove (not working yet) but awesome!!! Hopefully all we're going to have to do is change out the gas valve and it will work.. They're saying (the previous owners) that there are 2 things to close together making the valve trip.... (shrugs shoulders) I have no idea.. I have a plumber coming to look at it today!! Yes a plumber because that's who the gas company says has to look at the gas lines in the house?!

Anyway let me see if I can toss a few pics in real quick!! Cause boxes upon boxes are calling my name they need to find their rightful homes!! Ok a few photo's were added and you can see 3 of the 4 kitties have settled nicely all 4 have actually but Ms. Raven was too busy hiding and playing and looking for cubby holes, she gave us quite the scare when we first moved in the first morning, she had found a crawl space and was spending quite the time inside the walls of the house!!! lol

Never ends......

There's so much that's been going on, and the feeling of missing my son is still so strong, it's the feeling that never ends, no matter what I do, or where I am, or how happy I am, I am still overshadowed by grief. I find myself wandering around aimlessly at times, just wondering what he would be like, who would he look like? I see pictures of babies his age and wonder why he couldn't have lived to, but then I remember that God needed a very special soul, and he chose our Tristan. I'm really beginning to wonder, if our 3 little angels were our only children, maybe God only chose us to be parents of angels, to provide him the most innocent of souls, untouched, unharmed, and very loved.. but still so unfair, to now live with a love so strong for a child that's not here, that I can't show that love to, I can't hug or kiss, I can't teach or learn from..

I find myself questioning me and the Lord at times, wondering how God works, I see all of the beautiful blessings that he's blessed us with, but am I being greedy? Am I truly wanting just too much? The Lord has blessed me and our family by not taking my momma home with him a few weeks ago when she had a massive heart-attack in her Left Anterior Descending Artery (LAD-aka-the widow maker) because of 3 major blood clots.. Praise Jesus (it could have ONLY BEEN HIM) that she survived, after dying 3 times, being shocked 3 times AND having MINIMAL damage to her heart!!! How awesome is that?? God also provided Aaron a job, after only being laid off for 2 weeks, God has opened up an opportunity for us to BUY OUR FIRST HOME!! And yet, I still feel a very large void, my son's.... I have a yearning to be a mother, the best mother a mother that raises her children in God's love, and His Hands....I want to hear the laughter, and feel the energy of children, a beautiful creation of what the Lord has brought together in Aaron and I.

I know that as a child of God I shouldn't question Him and His works, and I know that He does things in His time..

I mean the fact that we're buying our first home is Him and Him alone!!

I just miss my little boy so much, and I miss the life that I thought I should be having by now, I'm thinking though that we're taking a good ttc break, no temping, no stressing, just becoming one again, something is missing and we lost it when we lost our babies, and now we need to find one another again, and I plan on working on that as we get settled into a new home, new responsibilities and fresh set of eyes.... I will be going back to work, I don't know where yet, but plan on finding something as soon as we get moved, there's a beautiful historical section within walking distance from my new home, and there's an oyster bar, restaurants, bakeries, museums, I'm really excited.. But even through that excitement, there's the sadness and pain that never ends.

I wonder when people quit talking about Tristan, it's weird, it's like no body speaks his name hardly anymore.. It's like the unspeakable "sadness" Maybe that's what it is, maybe nobody speaks of him anymore because it hurts them to much? I don't know, but I seem to talk about him everyday, (if I can) Aaron and I both try..... We both still miss him so much.. It's the feeling that never ends....