The end of the road.

The day is Saturday, April 9,2016. Sitting by a fire roasting hotdogs, my husband and I embarked on a very deep, personal, painful conversation. This conversation is something we both had been having in our own minds, but speaking for myself 

I found it tough to voice out loud for the finality of it was deafening.  Finally after being lost in my thoughts as they're screaming to be let out, I tell my husband that I feel that our time to be parents has come to a painful end.  That I am only getting older, my eggs are surely dying, and God has likely forgot about us.  And crazily,  his mind has been in the same place, that this is NEVER going to happen.  The only children we will ever have are dead. 
We talked like we haven't talked in a while about a subject we both had high hopes for.  I never knew what was more painful, seeing the negative tests followed by my period,  or seeing the heartache as dreams shattered in my husbands eyes.  The hardest part now, will be actually letting go of the routine cycle checking, and excitement when ovulation was near. How do you forget the signs your body gives?!
We talked about many things, one of which is our current situation,  the oilfield, layoffs, financial hardships, and the cost of raising kids, IVF, IUI, and yes, even adoption.. there is no light at the end of the tunnel showing hope.  There is no promise of these financial woes ever ending. So, how stupid must I be to even consider having children.  How stupid to live in a fairy tale that we will actually see a happy ending with children in it. Now,  we start over in a sense, as the last 10 years has been focusing on starting a family.  There are lots of things for a married couple without kids to be happy about right?? I mean, we don't have to share each other, we don't have to worry about sitters  (except for furbabies). We get to spend the rest of our lives alone and loving each other deeply, whats better than that right?? 

So, with that said, our journey to be parents is over, indefinitely at this point, as we truly have NO clue to what the future really holds.

Do you ever just want to run and hide? Curl up under a rock and forget life surrounding you even exists? Do you ever just want to hit that "go back to a certain date?" Well A and I find ourselves there once more. Only this time, we're not going through the death of one of our children, but something damn near as bad.

I never once imagined that we would be facing this day, I mean, we were preparing to do our IUI finally, and the rug was violently ripped from under us in a flash, I mean, quicker than the snap of a finger. Not only did I lose my once best friend (a choice not made lightly,)  I can't lie however, I miss her kids like no bodies business, but, it is what it is, I pray for them all, even her.... Anyway, not only did I end that friendship, my husband lost his job, and I turned 37. So far, 37, is turning out to be equivocally as bad as the end of 29 and all of 30. Now, my husband being the provider, and hard worker that he is, has since found a job, which I consider more temporary than anything, it's a paycheck, and we're thankful to God for that opportunity, as everything else seems quite bleak.

 According to the United States Government, we make too much for food stamps, but not enough for a mortgage modification. It makes no sense to me, why mortgage lenders, can't be like student loans etc. The ones that give a forbearance, or at the very least allow you to make any sort of payment arrangements.  I understand that banks have to make money, however, they lose more money on foreclosures than they make, and in turn, they make families homeless. It breaks my heart, that they're not willing to work with families, it's not like we're going to stiff them, we just need a little help to get on feet. Mind you, I feel this should happen for anyone, in any career that faces unemployment. I feel if the banks, and government would work with the American people we wouldn't have such a high homeless rate.

I just don't understand, I don't understand how the oilfield just freezes hiring.  A commodity. A need. A field that I was so naive to believe this couldn't happen again. I vaguely remember my parents going through the crash of the 80s but I don't remember losing everything. I don't know why I always thought there would be a NEED for my husbands field, for his talent, his skill, knowledge, intellect, etc. his dedication, and loyalty far exceeding most people.  I guess I'm more naive than I thought. I guess I thought since there would always be a need for oil, A would have job security. Boy, was I ever wrong. Sure, if the open up hiring again, SEVERAL people want him, they just can't hire him.  The interviews always seem so promising....To see the heartbreak, and look of defeat in his eyes every time he looks at me is gut wrenching.

Today we received the letter we knew was coming, but, it still sealed the fate of my family, and my hands are tied. I don't know what else we can do. I know that if we can't afford a $1200 mortgage how the hell are we expected to afford just as high in rent. And, who would rent to us with so many animals, (and before anyone starts in on how "expensive" having this many are, have you totaled up just 1 child? They are our four legged kids, and NO I have not "replaced" or "filled a void" with our animals, many started as rescues that I didn't have the heart to throw back out after nursing back. Then we fell into a small rut after my grandfathers funeral, and couldn't get them fixed before they started reproducing. And, well, I'm  huge softie and couldn't throw the babies out. So there you have it as to why we have so many.  And if anyone knows me, they know that we're facing one of the hardest things, next to losing Tristan, and I don't like this feeling. The feeling that I can't breath, that I could throw up any second, just the idea of them going to  anyone else just kills me. God says he won't give us more than we can handle, but, man after 9 years of one thing after another, I'm at my breaking point.

I don't fear what this will do to A and I as a whole, what I fear the most, is what it is presently doing to us individually. I work days, he works nights, so we rarely see each other, but luckily we do have Mondays and Tuesdays together. I never imagined the day we got our key, that 5 years later, we would be facing foreclosure. I just wish there was help, or assistance out there for people in A and I's shoes. I just wish they would take small installments. I wish for a lot, but I pray we make it through this. I never imagined a day would come, that we wouldn't be able to afford our home, or a home in a safe area. But, God provides, and we are his children. I know that He will pull us out of this, I just wish I knew when, I wish I knew the fate of my babies, because I honest to God, can't stomach the idea of rehoming them, especially since I've had them all pretty much since birth. My oldest is 11, 10 9, etc.... How do you just dump your baby into a home, with strangers when they've been with you their entire lives?!?!?!?!?

I don't know what our future holds, I don't know when I'll feel like writing again, I just had to get this out, mostly written through tears of course. I just can't believe we're here that this is really happening to us. I don't understand why it seems we can't catch a break......But, I continue to pray, and to trust that God has better plans, (although I don't know how having to lose my babies could be part of a better plan. ) :( :( 

I close this

It's been a while.....

https://youtu.be/araU0fZj6oQ



   So much has happened since last writing, I don't even know where to begin. We all know after my mother died, life got a little out of control, my brothers addiction swallowed him whole and he skipped out to another state, leaving, abandoning every thing he owned, including my mothers truck, (which still sits idly in my yard).. I have no idea where he is, or if he's ok. Nothing changed between my father and I, he still turned my grandmother against me with his and his wifes lies, but that's there burden to live with, and I kinda hope their lies against me torture their every breath, I hope they see me in their dreams and are tormented with the lies, and hurt they've caused. I hope he gets everything that is deservedly coming to him. I have come to despise the man, so much so, that I rarely even think of him, I don't ever remember him truly loving me, as I was always a "liability" and a product of the woman he hated. My birth mother. He only took me away from them (my REAL family) to punish and hurt them, he never wanted me, he actually wanted my mother to abort me, that alone, says it all..... But his family still sticks behind him, believing him, because you know, I'm just a trouble maker..... Anyway enough of him, the subject makes me literally ill to my stomach. I just hold on to God, hoping and praying he protects those little girls from the man that abused me for YEARS.... My grandmother passed away disliking me, and not wanting to see me because of the awful lies he filled her head with. She and I used to be soo close til my dads wife came into the picture. But, evil comes in destructing everyone, and everything in its path, and that is exactly what she did. She got his kids removed from the picture... Anyway, evil can stay with evil as I officially and unequivocally wash my hands of them. I don't know how I will feel when the man dies, all I do know, is that IF and when we have kids, he will never know them, IF anything were to happen to me before he dies, he is NOT allowed at my funeral, or to know anything about me. That is the official point I am with the man who is nothing more than a sperm donor, controller, mental, verbal, psychological, and sexual abuser. I no longer hate him, I actually don't have many feelings left for him..

   April 2015, my paw paw asked me to come to his birthday party, he turned 87 this year, and being his birthday buddy, it was the best thing  for me to be able to spend our birthdays together, even though his mental capacity is slowly leaving us, he was happy, content, and had his family around him, and for him, there is NOTHING more important than his family. He is the most amazing man, and should have been the man that raised me, (since both my parents were useless) He is my hero, he is the man I always looked up to, and I miss his fatherly/grandfatherly advice. He has an official diagnosis of Alzheimer disease.  We know it's genetic, as I believe his brothers and possibly his father passed from this disease. I know that all of us in the family are in line for this horrible disease, but the most heartbreaking, is watching a man that doesn't deserve this awful disease being consumed by it. I love my paw paw more than anything in the world, and I know it's going to be one of my hardest losses when the day comes. He's progressing so quickly. Refusing showers, food, it's scary hearing about it, and not being able to be there to help my aunt. Who let me say is the most amazing woman I've ever known. She has a hardened exterior, but the love she has for all of us shines through (just don't tell her you want a pop :-P)  She is an amazing selfless person, she quit her job to come home and take care of her father, which her older sister can't even put the bottle down long enough to help, or spend a sober day with her father. It makes me sick.
Well, after his party, and my weekend there, I come home to find that my ex best friend totally neglected my animals after promising to take care of them for me. They were not fed or watered the entire time I was gone. She lied saying my dog snapped at her, and IF my dog did snap at her, that tells me she hit her, or tried to hit her (which she better hope to hell I never find out she did, because hell hath no fury like a furbaby momma). I should have known, I should have followed my instinct, deep down I knew she had changed, become the most selfish person I had ever met. She changed when she met her now husband, became this person that thought her shit don't stink, and that she's better than everyone around her. So, I ended a 10 year friendship with a narcissist, was the BEST decision of my life, as God moved in another woman, that has become the best I could ever wish for, she is my girl soul mate! I have 2 now, never thought that was possible. my childhood best friend has and will remain my soul mate, as we're sisters, not just friends... It amazes me that life, time, moving, and so much more happening never changed the way we are. After almost 10 years of not talking or knowing where the other was, myspace helped us reconnect, and omg we picked up right where we left off. I love you Nikki!!!!!!

  May 2015  my husband gets laid off, it hurt, it sucked the air out of me when I got home and seen him standing there, and there was no work truck, I knew.... He was adamant that he would have a job within the week, and normally he would have, but we were unprepared for the hiring freeze that simultaneously was taking place in the oilfield. Little did we know that behind the scenes the oilfield was tanking.  Lay offs were happening by the hundreds/thousands. Little did we know this was only the beginning..

  June 2015 my husband is still looking for work, bill collectors are calling, banks are calling, and we can't pay them.. its the beginning of the end it seems. All the rumors going around that the oilfield may not see light til 2017 wow, what the hell is going on here?? Savings are pretty much depleted at this time.....We're denied unemployment.......

   July 2015 my husband has found work, it's very low paying, at $8.00 an hour, how are we ever going to survive... Oh well, it's a check, we try and modify our mortgage to be told, "I'm sorry, you just don't bring in enough..Well last month Aaron tried filing for food stamps, they never sent the package we were supposed to fill out, Aaron is calling almost every day and keeps getting the "we will have your case worker call you, in the mean time get in your portal" well that would've been great had the site been working. FINALLY a case worker called, only to tell us we make too much money now.. But over a month with no job, and no food didn't count for anything....... But we survived it....

  August 2015, Aaron is still going on interview after interview, all empty promises, all smoke screens. My favorite interview he went on, was them trying to get 'free work' out of my husband.. It truly is sickening..... Now, embarrassingly, we had to dip into our IUI donation money, heartbreaking to say the least, but more so embarrassing.  There seems to be no light at the end of the tunnel.  We're now in active foreclosure.... we're losing it all, and there's no help, no bank, or bill collector wants to work with you.....

  September 2015 life just seems to be getting harder... But wait, there's light, Aaron now is looking at 2 jobs.... 1 that he would really love, 1 that he would be doing exactly what he loved doing. They actually hunted him down... Only to find out later that they can't hire him at this time. Ugh, seriously, how many more roadblocks are we gonna have to hit head on....
The other job he did take, they did hire him, but he works 7 days a week 12 hours a day, for an hourly wage.. Praying this is the answer to help us save our home, I pray it's enough to modify our mortgage....

Now we're in the beginning of October, and I am seeing first hand how badly the oilfield crash here is affecting all businesses.. What is normally extremely busy days in the grocery store, especially football days, we're beyond slow.. I now worry about other industries starting to lay off people.. I just pray that it doesn't come to it.. I stay in prayer, I stay in faith, but as a human, I do falter, I do wonder and I do question things. I know that's not always the right answer, but it's hard to not question what's to come. We have our whole life wrapped up in our home, we have fought and worked so hard to keep our home rooted... We have over 40 animals that we love with all of our hearts and souls, that we just can't see uprooted from the only home, and humans they've ever known. I kind of feel like we're being forced to get rid of our "4-legged kids" they may just be "animals" to some, but to Aaron and I, they're our family, they're our kids, our babies. They're cared for (very well mind you), clean, healthy, and very very loved, and they know it. They're so comfortable (including the outside 'ferals') that when they sleep, they sleep so soundly. They love to cuddle, they love to drive us crazy, be under foot, and raise hell, but they keep our home a home, they keep laughter alive (although we do a pretty good job of that together), they keep us on our toes for certain. I've been asked several times, how do I remember all their names, it's pretty easy actually. They each have their own personality. We lost one, and that was beyond heartbreaking, because due to the layoffs, we couldn't afford bloodwork, but she was being treated for urinary infections. I asked my vet if it could stem from being neglected and going without food and water for 3 days. She said the stress from that very well could have caused the urinary infection, which in turn caused her to quit eating.  I have a hard time not placing blame on my ex best friend for the death of Hermoine, but that is a burden that she has to carry, but she likely don't care, because it doesn't affect her personally. I know that I can't fully blame her without actual proof that the neglect killed her, but that won't happen. And I won't give that person the satisfaction of knowing that once more her actions hurt others... She don't care, never has.... Hermoine died in my arms.. I delivered her the day she was born, and I held her the day she left this world. I still tear up thinking about my precious little Hermoine and the suffering she went through that last day as her organs shut down.... But I digress, she's with Tristan, Xavier and February now... I hold on to that.

Speaking of my babies, how can I part with them? Why should we have to?? My oldest is 11, 10, 9, and on down..... It's not fair to them or us.  And I know most of everyone is just like "its just an animal, you have to take care of you first" but then I ask, if you were in the situation we are in, would you get rid of your 2 legged human kids??? No? Oh, but we're expected to get rid of our 4 legged kids..... If we lose our home, I don't know what we're going to do. I am scared, Aaron is scared, stress is an understatement, but God is strong and God is awesome, and God continues to carry us through this mess. I know that somewhere at the end of the tunnel there has to be a light, we just can't see it... I also want everyone to know, that even though we had to use the monies donated for an IUI to survive this layoff and no work we will replace that money, and we will eventually be able to go for IUI, I pray.....

Well, that's a pretty good synopsis of our lives at the moment.. If you have any prayers to spare, please pray for us, and every other family that is enduring this hellish journey as well, because there are thousands here in Louisiana alone....

#oilfieldwork #oilfieldwife #oilfieldlayoffs #oilpricestoolow #prayforoilfield #prayforwork
#foreclosure #homelessness #hunger #fear #ourbabies

2015

January 2015
    I don't write much anymore, I really don't know why either, as so much has happened. Lets see, in January we started out pretty good, life was coming together quite nicely. We were getting caught up on our bills, etc.. Aaron was working over seas, and the loneliness sucked, but it was nice to get caught up, and was such a blessing from God. I released balloons by myself this year, Aaron was in Trinidad. It was tough, I really hated it, but couldn't let the day go without releasing his to our precious Tristan. Still isn't a day go by that I don't speak about him, or miss him. God I do, I miss and love him so much. He would be 7, can you picture it, a 7 year old, in 2nd grade. I just have such a hard time sometimes placing him as a 7 year old, or all I ever see when I close my eyes, is that tiny little newborn sleeping eternally in my arms. I still feel the weight of him, the scent of him is still fresh in my nose. And the feel of the cooling skin under my lips as I kissed his forehead, his cheeks, his nose, his lips.. As I nestled him close to me. While I now smile at these memories, I ache with a deepened sadness that I never got to see him grow, I never got to see his smile, hear his laugh, change his diapers, play with his toys with him, teach him all about Christ, his numbers, letters, to tie his shoes, read a book,etc. I wanted so bad to be able to experience all of that, but God had different plans. Most days anymore I feel that we will never get to know what its like to raise your child.  I never imagined the day I would just know, deep down know that my chances of getting pregnant again, or raise a child will likely never happen, and that breaks my heart, but, we have to have faith and know that whatever happens, God is in control. But, knowing we have 3 children up there in heaven, makes me strive to be a better person, a God loving christian. I'm not perfect, I cuss, I smoke, I gossip (who don't), I am not perfect by any means, but I pray daily God have mercy on me.

February 2015
  Not much went on that I can remember, Aaron was working a LOT, and while it sucked being away from him, it was nice being able to pay our bills on time and in full.

March 2015
  Aaron is still working a lot, which financially we were grateful. My ex best friend got married. Aaron and I celebrated our 9th wedding anniversary.

April 2015
  April was quite eventful to say the least. My Granny M. passed away, I wasn't allowed to see her the last 2 years, and I have no idea how, or what she died of.  I do know that she was in a nursing home. I do know that I was told I could attend the funeral only, no visitation, nothing, but the funeral. Well, my Paw Paw H had asked me to come to his 87th birthday party, and while I was torn, because financially, and work I couldn't exactly swing both, I decided to go where I was wanted and welcomed. I celebrated my paw paws 87th birthday, April 18, then drove home on my birthday April 20th, to find my animals had been neglected the 3 days I was gone. My husband was on a job, and couldn't exactly be home. So I foolishly trusted the person who called herself my best friend for the last 10 years. My house wasn't in the best condition as we'd been forced to only be able to scoop boxes vs dump them. I gave her feeding instructions, etc. When I arrived home, their water bowls were all empty, bone dry, collecting dust. Their food dishes were all empty, and the table/floor, where they always make a mess was clean empty. The soft food hadn't been touched. But she swore she had come over here. The neighbor had dropped a bag of  cat food  at our gate, and she left it there, and told me it wasn't her responsibility to bring it in the house. I thought she truly was a friend, but I found out just how selfish she really was. I had seen several times over the last couple years, (since she met the guy she's now married to) how very selfish, and above everyone she acted. How she started ignoring calls, texts, messages, etc.. But got pissed if asked if you'd done anything. Always used the pathetic excuse of "been busy". So, I ended that friendship completely, Ive blocked her from every form of communication, I pray!!

May 2015
  This month kinda really sucked as Aaron lost his job. Sadly a lot of people have lost their jobs down here in the oilfield. Of course with any job loss, comes the loss of being able to pay bills, so that kinda put a crimp in our "starting to get ahead plan" and knocked us back down to square 1. We have our faith that this will be short lived, and he will find decent paying employment again.

June 2015
  My poor baby is still out of work, the struggle is starting to take its toll, bill collectors are calling, we're working on my income alone, which sucks at $8 an hour for 30-32 hours a week.. Still our faith remains strong. Mid month Aaron found a job. It's not much, but its a paycheck coming in. And it helps immensely. Still our faith remains strong.

July 2015
 More of the same as last month, sinking further and further into regular bill debt. But still we remain strong.

Present day, I have been blessed with a new best friend, who is I swear cut from the same cloth as I am. I have 2 of those in my life now, one is far in distance, and one is close, but they're 2 of the most treasured people of my life.  My husband and I still struggle financially, we still pray something will open up out there. Our country is going to hell, and just doesn't seem to be looking up, but still our Faith in Jesus still remain..

Until we meet again...

I'm tired...

 The 31st marks 9 years that we'll be married. In April, we started our journey to become parents. God has yes had blessed us with 3 angels that we'll get to see, hold and play with one day.
 But today, was just another reminder that at this point our answer just really maybe is a no.  And as hard as it is, I am okay if it is. But the not knowing, and understanding is heart crushing. Month after month, year after year. It has been 7 years since I have felt life inside of me.. it just sucks,and I am getting so tired.  I just want this journey to go somewhere, either no, or yes, but something. I can't determine how much longer that I can hang on to this dream, I'm getting to the point that I'm ready to move on from this dream. Every one I know and have met along the way has pretty much finished having babie and their families are complete. But, really what do I expect?
   It's been 9 years.  I'm not super sad anymore, more used to it and numb now. There are no more tears, just acceptance, that maybe I'm not meant to be a mother. And yet, drug addicts, baby rapers, mothers who murder, father's who murder, parents who abandon their kids, reproduce like rabbits, but I digress....But, whatever God's plan is, I am okay with it, I will be okay.
  I hurt for my husband more than anything, because this man is such a wonderful man, he deserves so much to have a mini him running next to him!!! 
  I am also, so very tired of hearing people tell me one day. Or your day is coming.  for 6 years I've held onto that,  and now, I'm not so sure anymore.Don't get me wrong my faith is strong, but with faith comes acceptance. 

 So, as we embark on this 9th year both in marriage, and trying to conceive, we pray that God's will is for us to finally start our family, but regardless, I'm ready to see what lies ahead, and am excited to see what God does have in store for us.

What did I do wrong?

Broken and shattered I am no more, sad and torn I continue to be. Wondering what I did wrong, wondering why we've been forgotten. In the sea of hurt still left lingering on hope and faith. Slowly dwindling away is my faith and my hope, dreams shattered and left on wondering hearts.

A life chasing a love that never was finally found in 2001. A man who loves unconditionally, doesn't abuse, doesn't hurt, and doesn't deny me as his own. I married this man who loved me so, in 2006 I became whole, I became a survivor of a lifetime of abuse, judgement and pain, this man rescued me and loved me for me. What did I do to deserve such a blessing, only to leave him with years of loss and infertility. I am not  broken per say, but given a body that is. What did I do wrong?

I believe in my heart God has a better plan, everyone says it will happen, yet still doesn't. 8 years now we've been on a roller coaster, winding up and down flipping through the days, wondering what did I do wrong? I believe in my heart that God has a better plan, but still I sit here in wonder, did I do something wrong? I live by faith, by hope and love for that is all that I have. I cry for my husband for he deserves more than this pain. Again I scream to the heavens, GOD WHAT DID I DO WRONG?

Lord, I see daily those that abuse, that live off and expect others to take care of their kids, that murder, and cry insanity, yet I sit here with a heart full of love to give to a child that I may never have, again I cry what did I do so wrong?

A lifetime of hurt, I ask you God when does it end? What did I do to deserve nothing but heartache and pain? My entire life has been riddled with angst, and yet here I am still forgiving those, still holding on, knowing that my day may never come, all I have ever dreamt of was being a mommy, giving the love that fills my heart to a child so they never feel the childhood I did. God what did I do wrong?

Time is running short Lord, my age is getting up there, my hope is wearing thin, tired of running on auto-pilot. Tired of saying I'm fine when I'm not, tired of pain month after month, tired of seeing heartache on my beautiful husbands face. Failing him time and time again, wondering what did I do wrong?

Haunting Words

Do you have a gift that sometimes is so haunting you wish you didn't have? I know our God doesn't make mistakes when he hands out these gifts, sometimes I  just wish mine wasn't so strong.

 Intuition, gut feeling, whatever you wish to call it, sometimes I wish mine was wrong more than right. There is one time in particular that is truly haunting me right now as we near closer to our 8 year trying to conceive anniversary. A conversation I had with a dear friend, I'll call her M. She and I were the last 2 to yet get pregnant out of our wonderful group of 35. I told her matter of factly not to worry, she would get her rainbow before me, that I would be the last one still trying. Boy, that's one time I'm sorry M, I wish I had been wrong. While everyone in that group of 35 has gone on to have their 2nd or 3rd "Rainbow", I'm still waiting on 1 living. It's been 8 years, 8 very long years, with a history of loss and infertility. I don't talk about it much anymore, because what's the point? I know I burnt everyone out, I had to of. I got pretty obsessed with ttc for the longest time. I know that God has his reasons, and his plans. And no matter what those plans hold for us, we're ok, and we will still love God with all our hearts.
 But yes, those words haunt me. Another example of this sometimes haunting gift is when I was 30 weeks and in the hospital with a stomach bug, I was placed in the L&D ward as there were no other beds available, I was walking around my room and walked up to the table they put the baby on to clean them/ and read the apgar scores. When I seen the score card, my fingers ran across it as I closed my eyes and whispered my son will have 0 apgars. Not understanding that at the time I immediately rebuked Satan. But that was a gift God gave me I think to allow me to have and enjoy the last most precious 3 weeks of hiccups, kicks, rolls, etc.. But it was haunting nonetheless. There have been many others.
 One thing that is not haunting about it, is when I have a feeling about someone, something, my gut is 99% right 99% of the time.

Happy Birthday

Happy Birthday!! Happy 6th Birthday sweet boy!!
 6 years, I can't believe it's been 6 years since we've held you in our arms. 6 years since we last felt you move, 6 years since we said hello and goodbye to the most beautiful little boy we've ever laid our eyes on. You, our son have taught us so very much these last 6 years. You have taught your mommy about a love that I had only ever heard of in fairy tales. You've taught me a level of compassion I never fathomed possible. And you've taught me, that there is a whole community of mommy's and daddy's that's lost their babies. You've taught me, that although it's still not fully accepted, it's more accepted today than even 30 years ago. You've taught me there are many wonderful people out there, and just as many hurtful and cruel people. But mostly you've taught me that I want, desire,and long to have a closer relationship with Christ. Watching your daddy grow into a Godlier man is truly a blessing in and of itself.

 We often find ourselves wondering what tomorrow may hold, when our time to be earthly parents is to come. But then I find myself in wonder knowing it's already been promised, and it's not my choice when it happens. God is truly amazing and the way he has allowed me us to heal is just astounding to even this day. I'm not sad, although I feel a longing, I'm not in despair but I miss my son. I can wake, smile, and praise Jesus for today, and for your memory. For I am just a vessel in this journey, and to have known you, held you within my womb, and in my arms for the short time, I was, to hold you in my heart and memory forever is an eternal blessing.

While this part of my our journey has really sucked, it has been a lesson of life, love, time, and above all tolerance, and patience. And that is truly awesome!!

"Let the children come to me, for the Kingdom of God belongs to such as they. Don't send them away! I tell you as seriously as I know how that anyone who refuses to come to God as a little child will never be allowed into his Kingdom"
                                                                  Mark 10:14-15

You made all the delicate, inner parts of my body, and knit them together in my mother's womb.
                                                              Psalms 139:13

You saw me before I was born and scheduled each day of my life before I began to breathe. Every day was recorded in your Book!
                                                            Psalms 139:16

Happy 6th Heavenly Birthday my precious angel!!! Mommy and daddy love you so much. We miss you terribly!! Keep watch for your balloons this afternoon my sweet lil' dragonfly!!!

3 days...

My dearest Tristan,
  My son,
  How we have dearly missed you. It seems our love for you continues to grow daily. In 3 days we will be celebrating your 6th birthday earthly and heavenly. My mind wonders back to that day, Jan. 21, 2008 5:45 am, you're so very active, you wake me up for the very first time in our pregnancy. Looking back I realize now that I likely had a silent tear already, and you were warning me. But at the time, I just laid there awake, feeling you move, thanking God for you and just enjoying watching you kick and roll in me like some kick-boxing tournament. Hind-sight is 20/20 they say. Fast forward to 11:30-12 o'clockish and all hell breaks loose, the pain, oh the pain, the most intense, excruciating pain I've ever experienced, and thinking about it, I can almost feel it again, and the fear that came with the pain. I will never forget that feeling although some days I would really love to, that fear haunts me. I pray to this day for God to release me of that fear, but it still creeps in.
 I remember like it was yesterday what it felt like when I stood up, an trying to walk, never in my life had I had a pain that put me on my tip toes to walk. Then the sights, the blood, the sound of a train rushing in my ears as my blood hemorrhages out of my body at a very rapid rate. I know how much blood we have in our body, (don't ask me for exact numbers right now but..) And the amount of blood I seen scared me. I was in and out of consciousness,  I was very scared. I hadn't felt you move in quite a long time, or so it felt. In all actuality by the time the EMTs got there, only 30 min. had passed. But, then that's another story I refuse to relive cause it just angers mommy. But finally when we got to the hospital, I learned of your demise, that was the most pain, greater than the physical pain that my body had endured, this was torture. Someone placed my heart in a vice grip and was tightening it to the tightest it could go. You were not coming home with mommy and daddy, God had called you home to his Kingdom. And while we couldn't have you in a better place, that was the worst feeling. It's taken mommy a long time to come to the point where I kind of understand. I realize that your life was planned from the beginning. But mommy is human, and selfish. I miss you terribly. I imagine you sometimes, I imagine you being quite ornery. Much like I was at your age. lol. I see you in my mind growing up in heaven as you would have here on earth, although I know you are still my tiny little newborn 4 lb. 7.8 oz 17" long little dragonfly. I think it just helps mommy 'cope' on the sad days to see you in my minds eye as the soon to be 6 year old you would be. Imagining how we would be parenting you. How your laughter would fill this home. I imagine your laughter filling the heavens. And that makes mommy giggle. I imagine your grammy just tickling you and you just laughing that belly laugh I imagined you would have had.
  I can't explain how different my grief for you is now from the extreme raw dark place it was 6 years ago. I am sad, but not broken. I long for you in the ways I'm sure every single mommy out there that has lost a child at any age longs for that child back. Parents are supposed to go first, that's just the way it should be, but our Lord has his reasons for planning such short lives for his chosen angels. None of us will ever have these answers, til we are sitting in our Fathers kingdom. Some days, it can be hard to remind myself of that, but I do. I love you son, I love you more and more every day, I don't know how that is even possible since you're not even here, but I still feel you all around. My heart swells with pride when I talk about you. You know some parents get to say "My kids an honor roll kid"  I get to say "My kids an ANGEL in the Kingdom of Heaven"  I think that trumps the honor roll aspect huh kiddo? You get to sit by our God!!
  I can still feel you in my arms, I can still smell you, and I don't even have to hold my Molly Bears to feel you, or open a bottle of baby lotion, I can just close my eyes, and we're back in that hospital room, and I am looking at the most beautiful, the most peaceful, the most soft skinned, sweet perfect baby boy in my arms, and I am in like an outer body experience, like there is no way this beautiful creature came from us, and 2 I can't believe he's gone, you're not coming home. But you did go home didn't you sweet boy!! I love you my son, I love you more than there are stars in the skys.

Love and missing you always
Mommy and Daddy

A fortune from a Chinese fortune cookie

1.16.14 I opened the fortune that hit me deep. I can't exactly explain in words the way the words hit me. So I will just share, and see if it hits you the same way it hit me.

" Only put off until tomorrow what you are willing to die having left undone"

2014 Resolution/Goal

1. To love and grow in Christ.
2. To be a calmer person ( I can get upset easily)
3. To be happy.
4. To be healthy.
5. To continue to love being in love with my husband. I couldn't have asked for a better husband. I have truly been very blessed.
He is very attentive.
He is caring ( I really wish there was a better word, because his care goes beyond what I deserve)
He is sensitive.
He is very sexy.
He is pretty romantic.
He respects me.
He loves me unconditionally.
He is absolutely without a doubt, everything that I ever prayed for and more!!

6 years ago

6 years ago we were so very excited. Christmas was filled special 'little boy' gifts. 6 years ago we were eagerly awaiting your arrival, preparing your nursery. 6 years ago I was filled with a joy I never imagined possible and ignorance was bliss. Today is different, I have joy, but nothing like when you were here. There is a huge hole in my heart with your precious name on it. I have grown, I have healed the way mothers heal, there is still a band-aid over that wound, but I know that you're in the arms of Jesus and grammy, and mommy couldn't ask for a better Christmas for you. But mommy misses you, I wonder what would you be like, would you be like your daddy? Would you be like me? I imagine you'd be of your own little self, full of wonder and life. I imagine you being so excited to see what Santa was going to bring you. I imagine being in the kitchen with you making Santa's cookies, and you setting up his cup of milk and setting out carrots and an apple for the reindeer. I imagine you running down the stairs coming into mommy and daddy's room to let us know that the jolly fella had stopped by. So many things we've missed seeing you do, but I imagine them all. I can picture you in so many ways it's not even funny. The rawness is completely gone, but your memory is still alive all around us. God has carried daddy and I through to a new us, an us where the pain is not as great as it was 5 years, 11 months, and 3 days ago. I don't know who I would be today had we never been blessed with you, you have taught me a love like no other. You've given me a dream I hope to fulfill, you have blessed me with empathy,sympathy and the need to help others on their journeys of loss. You served your purpose on this earth, my son even in the shortest amount of time you were here, you have been a blessing more than any other. God thank you for allowing us to be the earthly parents of our Tristan, and thank you God for your favor and continued healing. I don't know what it's like to see your children's face light up on Christmas morning, but I pray daily that God allows us that. I thank you Jesus for taking my son to a better place, and never allowing him to see the evils of this world. Even though his daddy and I miss him every single day of our lives.
Thank you family and friends for your continued prayers. We love you and wish you a VERY MERRY CHRISTMAS.

Happy New and Blessed Year!!

Oh I just know this is going to be a year full of blessings. God tells us to claim it, and I have. I am ready to accept God's guidance more and more! I have been happy, and I am getting happier. I still find myself feeling pangs of guilt when I'm extra happy, I chalk it up to remaining survivor's guilt, and that's ok, I'm still healing, every single day, I'm still healing. Those around me, though can attest that I've come almost full circle. I can see the laughter in my own eyes coming back, and for the first time ever, I can fully admit, that I was so terrified that I was not coming back, that I would never find myself out of that painful darkness I fell into after losing my 3rd child.  I seriously wanted to die, I was self sabotaging myself with food. Seriously. I was bored, I'd eat, I was sad, mad, whatever, I would eat, and there were times (I'm kinda embarrassed to admit this, but here goes) that I would literally pile butter high, and anything else. Not all the time for the most part I tried eating healthy, but when no one was around, and I was alone, I would eat, and eat, and eat, and eat I wouldn't stop. I wanted to die, I felt that I deserved to die. Everything was a fight, I was constantly arguing with my husband, my mother, you name it I was negative. I was not a pleasant person, and I owe my everlasting love and gratitude to those who never left my side, and was on that phone every time, or rushing to my aid when I was so beside myself I couldn't breath. I don't know why, but a lot of the rawness, and darkness seems so distant, but like a faded memory I still feel so sad when thinking about it, and how the people around me that loves me felt so helpless. I wish my momma was here so that I could apologize for being so negative and angry with God.But I know she's got the best seat to it all!!! 
I am not going to list everyone's name, I am however going to say you all know who you are and I LOVE YOU!!! I appreciate you!!

Now on to this year, so far to date, this year I've lost 66# and can proudly say that I am weighing in at 180.2 that is awesome since at the beginning of the year I was 20ish, and in August I was 246. My body seems to be getting back to what used to be normal and that's exciting!! I'm feeling better, I'm getting closer to God, and starting to enjoy life as god gives it to me. I'm going to vow to treasure every moment, that God blesses us with. Our prayers are being answered slowly but in His time!! ;) There is still childish family drama, but that's no longer my burden, as I've given it all, and all involved over to God, so that He may release me of the stress, worries, fears, and heartache. I am positive that God is going to bless us with a little one this year, I feel really really positive!! And that's ok if it don't happen this year, I feel it's nearing!! ;) :) And boy are we looking forward to the day we're holding our living, breathing pink healthy baby in our arms. 

While everything is still not perfect, especially on the family front, so I ask that you continue to pray with me for salvation in my family, for peace, and for growth. I appreciate it. 

I am really looking forward to what this year is going to bring. Tomorrow A and I will celebrate our 12th anniversary from when we started dating. It's hard to believe that it's been 12 years, and I still sometimes feel like a giddy girl when I see him. I am blessed that he is mine, granted on loan, but still God loaned him to me, and I couldn't be more blessed. Sure we have our issues, but in the grand scheme of things, he is my soul mate. I love him, even when I could throttle him, he is my sweetie. He loves me, respects me, and honors me in every essence of the word. He has been a true blessing in my life!!

I close this with my prayer for all to have the most blessed of years, may your dreams come true, and may you not struggle to make ends meet. May God wrap you all in His loving grace and heal all who are sick, those struggling with addiction, and those that are well. May God keep us all safe from harm, and may blessings always find you with every door that opens. 

Good night my readers, and God bless you all! 
Love, 
 Shannon

The clouds and you...

Today while I was outside playing with the dogs, I sat back and was watching the clouds. We have some really fluffy, storm clouds coming through. I love to do this. Well today, there you were, that perfect little sleeping face, the face I stared at til I memorized every detail of. That beautiful little face that I kissed goodbye.. there you were in the shape of the clouds. It was a beautiful feeling, but oh son how it made me yearn to hold you in my arms again. To kiss your little forehead. To feel your little fingers over mine. I closed my eyes and remembered the day I held you the little boy we have dreamed of having. The perfect little boy..  I miss you so much and I know daddy misses you just as much. We love you every second, of every day my sweet baby!!

Confused....

 How can one be so happy, calm, and peaceful, thanking God constantly for my many blessings, yet so sad, jealous, and broken all at the same time? I never say anything because I think it's selfish. I am not a selfish person, so really please if anyone takes this the wrong way I apologize ahead of time.

  Let me start out by saying that I am SO SO SO happy for each and every mommy out there, especially rainbow mommy's. I wait on baited breath these days, (kinda have for the last 6 years,) for every baby to be born awake, healthy and alive. I pray and thank God for these tiny blessings, but the selfish side of me is so jealous, I long so badly for a child of our own, to raise as God's child, to love, and treasure that blessing. I truly feel like an asshole when those selfish tears fall, which is always after my happy and relieved tears fall for that baby born.

  I find myself confused and full of wonder. I wonder why we can't have a baby. I wonder if God has forgotten about Aaron and I. I wonder if God thinks I won't be a good mother. I wonder if continuing on is even worth it. Why continue torturing my husband and myself month after month for how many more years? Everyone always says one day it will happen, I try and believe that, and for the most part I do, but there's always my 'inner critic' doubting everything. I am so ashamed to have these feelings, but I guess if I didn't have them I wouldn't be human right? Throughout the last 6 years I have watched almost everyone I know, family, friends, etc.. has had babies, I just wish I was amongst them. Some days it's hard to log into even facebook but I always get a little chuckle out of at least a few of the kiddo's out there. :) I just really don't know what to do with these feelings. I don't know when we stop this journey and just live and be happy with each other and our fur-babies... I hate seeing the sadness wash across Aaron's face month after month, and I know he hates seeing it across mine. I just don't know where we go as far as ttc anymore. Yes, we are saving for an IUI, but what if that's not successful? In this economy, it's going to take a while to save up for IVF/adoption..
Then you have to wonder, should we just call it quits on wanting a child because of this economy and the way this country is headed? Is it going to be safe for our children?

  So where do we go? That will depend on many things I'm sure. I am just tired. I haven't temped in so long, I just am ready to quit. Quit thinking about it, to shut that little nagging voice up, you know the one, 'oh it's fertile week, time for opk's.' blah blah blah....

Anyway, enough out of me today, I'm just in a confused mood. I can't understand why I am so sad for myself, when I have so many other blessings around me.

THANK YOU

We can't even begin to express our gratitude for all your love, support and donations.. I just got off the phone with the RE and was told about the IUI in more detail, and what a ball park of our costs would be.. We are so close thanks to your donations.. It's going to cost roughly $900 for meds (since my ovaries haven't responded to the lower doses, they're going higher). And it's $1200 for monitoring and IUI!! That means we're $1200 away from our first IUI!! I can't even begin to tell you how excited we are, and blessed that so many of you care so much about us that you've helped us.. I can't wait til the day we have our little Rainbow, and sharing him/her with you!! And you all getting to watch them grow, because of you!!!

 So many words are jumbling my brain I can't get them out fast enough to tell you how gracious and blessed we are to have such an amazing support group. So thank you, everyone who has shared our journey with your friends and family, who has donated, who has prayed, written me, and supported me, listened to me cry on the phone Mrs. Hazelton, Mrs. Brooks!!! You have no idea what your love means to me. What your graciousness has done and continues to do for us.. You've made this journey seem a little shorter, with a glaring light at the end of what was once a very dark and dreary tunnel.. So thank you for continuing to walk this journey with us, and sharing our story!!!

We love and appreciate you all from the bottom of our hearts!!!

Adventures and Motivation

You know we in life all have different paths, sometimes those paths cross. My path has crossed with so many beautiful, supportive, and loving women. I have been so blessed to know these women. I only just wish our paths were closer so that I could sit with them, have coffee, hug their necks, and say thank you in person. I've had the pleasure of meeting just a handful of these special women a year ago come August. I think of that weekend often!!!
 I have such great friends that stretch from California, Canada, Massachusetts, to Florida. In Sept. 2006 after my first miscarriage I was scouring the infamous Google looking for other loss moms such as myself. I stumbled upon a website called BabyCenter.com, that is where I met 35 women that I would gain such wonderful friendships and links with.. Then throughout the years and losing Tristan, I became a group leader with some amazing loss friends on a few loss groups on babycenter. I toyed around on bbc a lot after that, visiting several different boards, where I found that a birth board needed a gl, and I volunteered, here is where I found a whole group of amazing women, women that  have experienced loss, and life, and some that's never experienced loss.. These women took me in as one of their own, even though I wasn't pregnant, I was dealing with infertility, but these amazing women, (I'll call them my bacon lovin' Auggie momma's) were so awesome, they kept me laughing, they cried with me, they lifted me up, and most of all they're still apart of my life..

Now you wonder what I meant by adventures and motivation, Well every day is an adventure, one of which most days I have zero motivation to tackle.. I don't know if it's because of underlying depression I battle with, or just being so out of shape and overweight that I just quit caring, or maybe a little of both? I start something and have a hard time finishing it, except when it comes to ttc. Some people have accused me of being obsessed with trying to have a baby. Some (most) people understand and feel my undying drive.. But why is it that I have so much motivation and drive to have a baby, but not to lose weight and get healthier? I will admit, I am a comfort eater, I get sad/upset I eat. I try to stay away from junk food, but I find the more I try to steer clear of it, the more I want it.. lol typical right?  Well that's one adventure I lack motivation.. My other is keeping motivation while cleaning and organizing.. I will start a project and leave it half way til another day.. I get distracted easily!! :)

But the biggest adventure and I love this adventure is being a wife, some days I just let the days flow, others I put forth my best, but all days I love my best friend, without him this adventure would be hellish and so very boring!!

Today feels like a day that I'm just rambling, and maybe I am, but I feel like this is the way to get my blog back to 'normal' to feel like I'm releasing, now maybe with this release, I love writing, and this is a perfect way!!! :) 

Oh I almost forgot one of my favorite adventures, and that's my job!!! I LOVE being an Independent Creative Partner with Initials, Inc. And look forward to moving up that career ladder, cause that means more pay, more friends, and more motivation!!! I just have to say that if you or anyone you know is considering a direct sales business, I highly suggest Initials-inc. It is not saturated, it's a ground floor record breaking, company that has been featured in magazines and on Good Morning America.. I am proud to be a part of this amazing company, and this fabYOUlous adventure.. I would love to share more about it, but this is not the place, (although you may here me mention it a lot!!! I have a blog just for Initials :)  There you can find deals, and other business adventures..


While I am waiting on af to arrive, I have to say again and again how overwhelmed and humbled I am by all of your support, that your donations are helping us get that much closer to being parents!! Thank you from the bottom of both of our hearts, I know Thank you, is not enough to show my appreciation, but hopefully one day we'll have that beautiful baby boy/girl in our arms, and you will feel, and see our gratitude!!!  Finding you my friends has been a long, hard road, but blessed beyond measure!!!! ♥♥♥

Overwhelmed...

I am so overwhelmed and over joyed with the amount of love and support that's been shown just today, the messages I've gotten, the texts, the comments, and the donations.. Sometimes you feel so alone, and trapped on this journey, it's such a blessing to know that when you need, you have a support system bigger than you can imagine. I am beyond blessed for everyone of you.. Just in the course of a few hours because of your donations we have gained $375.00 towards our future Rainbow.. Thank you!! From the bottom of our hearts, thank you for this wonderful gift.. Thank you for sharing our donation page, thank you for the love, and mostly thank you for the prayers. .God says that "I tell you that if two of you on earth agree about anything you ask for, it will be done for you by my Father in heaven.  For where two or three come together in my name, there am I with them."                                                     Matthew 18:19-20..

So with a final thank you just for the night, I bid you all a good night, may God bless you beyond measures, and give you all restful, peaceful sweet dreams.

Our journey continues......

Through the last 4 years of infertility I have learned so much about myself and my husband. How greatly strong he is, and just how meek I can be. My Aaron has been so strong in the face of infertility, so many times I've wanted to throw in the towel, but my ever loving and growing opptimist that I married, hasn't gotten to that point. Many tears I've cried, many tears he's wiped away. We just finished our second failed medicated cycle. I think the time has come to start moving up the fertility treatment ladder, to IUI, and IVF status.. The only thing is the cost is so stinkin' high, and of course it's all out of pocket. Insurance covers nothing of fertility so that makes it harder when you have parents like Aaron and I that want nothing more than to hold a baby in our arms, to love and raise that baby the way Jesus would want us to. And yes, the topic of adoption has come up, and it's upwards the price of IVF, and more.. So today with the push of some loving friends, we have decided to take their advice, and to reach out to our friends and family and ask for donations. We are not rich in money, but love, our cups runneth over.. I as a mother have so much love to give to children that is just trapped inside of me. And Aaron, has so many teachings and love of a father that is screaming to get out. This has been a very long, and a very painful journey, and with Gods guidance, your help, and our faith, I am hoping that we can all see the light at the end of the baby-less journey.. First and foremost, this baby (when we have one) will be raised in a christian home, with values and morals. Our children will be given over to Christ just as we were, and through God our saviour He will guide our hands in teaching these precious blessings from Him.. I will put the link to donate to our IUI & or IVF fun at the top of my blog, but also in this post.. We are humbled asking for your help, and hope that none of you think differently in us doing so, but we're at a loss.. We live a modest life, just like many of you, pay check to pay check with little left over just trying to get by. Some of you might even ask, "if you can't afford fertility treatments, how will you afford to care for a baby" Well my answer to that is the same way you care for yours. When something comes up, you provide. Our child will have a home (not a house, but a home with the love of Christ and his/her parents), food, medical, clothes, toys, and everything he/she needs.. If all you can offer is prayers, love and support, then please know that is also so so very welcome, and needed.. I am humbled to ask you to keep Aaron and I in your thoughts and prayers.. For I know the power in prayers!! Thank you all so very much for any and all help you can offer us during this part of our journey!! Love, Aaron and Shannon Goodwin You can donate here

While looking for ideas for a fellow loss mommy I ran across this site.. Pay special attention to the poems..

http://www.labelledame.com/sympathy-gift-jewelry.html

Tristan always has been and always will be our little dragonfly!!!