Our story...Our survival..

Our Journey.....

January 2001, it was a cold, blistery, icy day in Oklahoma City, the day my future husband asked me to be his girl!!! March 31, 2006 was our wedding day.. We had decided that since we'd already been together for 5 years that we would immediately start trying for a baby. So in April that's what we did.. It took us 3 months and in July we were looking at a positive pregnancy test.. It was the 5th of July.. I remember thinking the 4th that I had to of been pregnant, as the beer just tasted horrible and I was wanting to sleep.. That pregnancy was not the easiest.. We started bleeding from the beginning, it was diagnosed a subchorionic hemorrhage.. It was a huge blood clot between the uterus and placenta.. Well fast forward to 12 weeks after getting off bed rest and having no more bleeding.. We had an ultrasound to find that our precious baby had passed on 3 weeks before.. I had what they called a missed abortion (you won't see me use this term as I HATE it..) So I had to schedule a d n c for the next day.. That morning around 4 am I woke up to severe pains and bleeding only to find out that my body had finally realized that it was miscarrying, so we got bumped up a few hours to do the d n c.. Our dr. sent the 'remains' off to the lab for genetic testing and he called a few weeks later to tell me that our baby was a healthy baby boy.. We named him Xavier Ahren. He was 9 weeks 5 days and our d n c was on 9/19/06.. We were told we could try after our first cycle, so we did, we got pregnant 4 months later, we were excited, yet nervous.. There was no bleeding and our number's were progressing well. Well at 5 weeks we had an u/s.. Nothing but a sac. We were told to come back 2 weeks later, at 7 weeks we went back and still there was only a sac, but a second sac was visible now too..The dr. thought he had seen a second sac at 5 weeks but we didn't think nothing of it.. We were told to come back in a week.. We went back at 8 weeks 3 days, still only a sac, that was starting to shrink, and the second sac completely gone.. We were diagnosed with a blighted ovum and decided to do a d n c right then instead of waiting.. We were devastated, again....We call this baby (well what should have been a baby) February, we needed closure.. well I needed closure) 4 months later, June 27, 2007 could it be? Yes it is, a big fat positive, I couldn't believe it, whoo-hoo we were pregnant again.. I was nervous as all get out, could barely stand myself I was so nervous. We had slight spotting at 5 weeks and went to the ER, only to be told we had a slight subchorionic hemorrhage, you can about guess my nerves shot straight through the roof, great here we go again.... I prepared myself to lose this baby too, but wait, it's 12 weeks and we're still pregnant, and there's a heartbeat?!?! Wow, 19 weeks and it's a BOY?!?! Is this for real? Is this really happening? We're going to be parents for real this time? Little did we know what God had in store for us....... January 21, 2008, Martin Luther King day, Monday, and the beginning of our 33rd week.. Everything started out great, Our little boy had woke me up at 5 am having a little kick-boxing tournament, this was the VERY FIRST time this had ever happened. I went about my morning, got on the computer, was fixing to start chatting with some girlfriends of mine, when I got the most oddest, most painful cramp I've ever gotten.. In all honesty I thought I had to go to the bathroom.. So I finished typing out what I had to say, and headed to the bathroom, the only thing was the pain was overwhelming, I was literally on my tip-toes.. (if I knew then what I know now, I would have just started pushing right then.... :( ) I sat down and hear a pop, gush....My first thought was Oh shit, my water just broke, I'm only 33 weeks, and we still have 7 weeks to go, ok, we can deal with NICU.. But then I look down.. The image I seen will forever haunt me, blood, and lots of it, I've never in all of my life seen so much blood as I did this day.. From here everything went down hill and FAST!! I stood up, grabbed some tissue and put it between my legs and ran to the living room, grabbed the phone, and called my husband, I was so scared, and deep inside, I knew he was gone...But I get a hold of him.. We talk he leaves work.. Well not thinking of the holiday it was I called my dr's office, no answer, I'm starting to feel faint and light headed, so I lay down on the floor, I called the ER and told them what was going on, all they could say is "why are you calling the er?" I just hung up.. Aaron called and was on the phone with 911 when he walked in the house.. He helped me to the living room couch where I laid down and was in so much pain, more pain than I ever imagined possible.. The paramedics showed up. finally.. Well apparently I got the pick of the day, 2 of the most ignorant, most hateful, degrading, pieces of crap people to come help us.. One was a rookie, and the other was a jerk.. The jerk asked me if I was pregnant? Duh, I'm 8 months freaking pregnant!! I'm huge!! He then says "Are you bleeding?" My reply was yes, his was well you miscarried......WHAT?!?! You're seriously going to tell a freaking 8 month pregnant woman that she just miscarried.. I already hated the idiot.. He then asks me if I can get up on my own and move to the gurney, sure I say, and as I do I throw up, he then thrust this bag in my face and say's "throw up in here not in my bus, I just cleaned it" they then proceed to wheel me out of my house, with no blanket on, just panties and a t-shirt.. I asked for my own blanket. Then they wheel me over the stepping stones instead of picking me up and carrying me, this hurt like you wouldn't believe the pain is still very vivid in my mind.. We'd already told them 2 times they've asked what hospital we were going to, twice, Women's and children's.. they get me in the ambulance, and pull out.. They didn't give me oxygen or anything except an iv. of saline.. I keep feeling the need to pass out, and gushes of blood coming out of me.. I told him that I felt like I was going to pass out, and he said there was nothing he could do, I was already laying down. So about this time I look out the window wondering why it's taking so long to get to my hospital, the idiots took me to the wrong hospital... . I keep feeling the need to close my eyes...just go to sleep.. Well they FINALLY get me to Women's and Children's, and upstairs to Labor and Delivery, where I coded, on the spot.. I remember the nurse checking me, and her saying that I was dialated 2 cm, and trying to find Tristan's heartbeat, it wasn't there.. I remember looking to Aaron and saying he's gone honey, my baby's gone, and Aaron, and the nurse both saying no he's probably hiding.. then I vaguely remember hearing Aaron say her eyes are rolling and the nurse saying Oh shit (as she hits the wall) and saying I need help in here.. (Later found out she called a code blue on me).. The next memories are in and out, and still comes back in flashes.. I remember waking in this room, very cold, and 2 people above my head, one woman on man, and I hear them saying we need to intibuate and start cpr, where is everyone at? I remember my dr. Dr. H standing next to me saying "Hi Shannon, it's me Dr. H and there's no fetal heart activity we need to operate immediately to find out where the bleed is before we lose you.. Then I felt him cut me, and everything went black.. The next thing I remember is waking up in the recovery room, looking up and seeing Aaron's face, and knowing that something was VERY wrong.. Then our social worker, Ms. Mary asked me if I would like to hold our son.....This was the first time I seen my little boy, he was gone, lifeless, but the most amazing creature I've ever seen, the most beautiful little boy.. Beings that I had a c section I had to stay in the hospital for a few days.. We were released, on Jan. 24, 2008 and it was hard leaving that hospital with only plants and a memory box full of Tristan's belongings, yet leaving him there.. This blog is full of the last 2 years and the years of battling infertility, and our journey to parent hood, if it's meant to be..

Saturday, January 18, 2014

3 days...

My dearest Tristan,
My son,
How we have dearly missed you. It seems our love for you continues to grow daily. In 3 days we will be celebrating your 6th birthday earthly and heavenly. My mind wonders back to that day, Jan. 21, 2008 5:45 am, you're so very active, you wake me up for the very first time in our pregnancy. Looking back I realize now that I likely had a silent tear already, and you were warning me. But at the time, I just laid there awake, feeling you move, thanking God for you and just enjoying watching you kick and roll in me like some kick-boxing tournament. Hind-sight is 20/20 they say. Fast forward to 11:30-12 o'clockish and all hell breaks loose, the pain, oh the pain, the most intense, excruciating pain I've ever experienced, and thinking about it, I can almost feel it again, and the fear that came with the pain. I will never forget that feeling although some days I would really love to, that fear haunts me. I pray to this day for God to release me of that fear, but it still creeps in.
I remember like it was yesterday what it felt like when I stood up, an trying to walk, never in my life had I had a pain that put me on my tip toes to walk. Then the sights, the blood, the sound of a train rushing in my ears as my blood hemorrhages out of my body at a very rapid rate. I know how much blood we have in our body, (don't ask me for exact numbers right now but..) And the amount of blood I seen scared me. I was in and out of consciousness, I was very scared. I hadn't felt you move in quite a long time, or so it felt. In all actuality by the time the EMTs got there, only 30 min. had passed. But, then that's another story I refuse to relive cause it just angers mommy. But finally when we got to the hospital, I learned of your demise, that was the most pain, greater than the physical pain that my body had endured, this was torture. Someone placed my heart in a vice grip and was tightening it to the tightest it could go. You were not coming home with mommy and daddy, God had called you home to his Kingdom. And while we couldn't have you in a better place, that was the worst feeling. It's taken mommy a long time to come to the point where I kind of understand. I realize that your life was planned from the beginning. But mommy is human, and selfish. I miss you terribly. I imagine you sometimes, I imagine you being quite ornery. Much like I was at your age. lol. I see you in my mind growing up in heaven as you would have here on earth, although I know you are still my tiny little newborn 4 lb. 7.8 oz 17" long little dragonfly. I think it just helps mommy 'cope' on the sad days to see you in my minds eye as the soon to be 6 year old you would be. Imagining how we would be parenting you. How your laughter would fill this home. I imagine your laughter filling the heavens. And that makes mommy giggle. I imagine your grammy just tickling you and you just laughing that belly laugh I imagined you would have had.
I can't explain how different my grief for you is now from the extreme raw dark place it was 6 years ago. I am sad, but not broken. I long for you in the ways I'm sure every single mommy out there that has lost a child at any age longs for that child back. Parents are supposed to go first, that's just the way it should be, but our Lord has his reasons for planning such short lives for his chosen angels. None of us will ever have these answers, til we are sitting in our Fathers kingdom. Some days, it can be hard to remind myself of that, but I do. I love you son, I love you more and more every day, I don't know how that is even possible since you're not even here, but I still feel you all around. My heart swells with pride when I talk about you. You know some parents get to say "My kids an honor roll kid" I get to say "My kids an ANGEL in the Kingdom of Heaven" I think that trumps the honor roll aspect huh kiddo? You get to sit by our God!!
I can still feel you in my arms, I can still smell you, and I don't even have to hold my Molly Bears to feel you, or open a bottle of baby lotion, I can just close my eyes, and we're back in that hospital room, and I am looking at the most beautiful, the most peaceful, the most soft skinned, sweet perfect baby boy in my arms, and I am in like an outer body experience, like there is no way this beautiful creature came from us, and 2 I can't believe he's gone, you're not coming home. But you did go home didn't you sweet boy!! I love you my son, I love you more than there are stars in the skys.

Love and missing you always
Mommy and Daddy

A fortune from a Chinese fortune cookie

1.16.14 I opened the fortune that hit me deep. I can't exactly explain in words the way the words hit me. So I will just share, and see if it hits you the same way it hit me.

" Only put off until tomorrow what you are willing to die having left undone"

2014 Resolution/Goal

1. To love and grow in Christ.
2. To be a calmer person ( I can get upset easily)
3. To be happy.
4. To be healthy.
5. To continue to love being in love with my husband. I couldn't have asked for a better husband. I have truly been very blessed.
He is very attentive.
He is caring ( I really wish there was a better word, because his care goes beyond what I deserve)
He is sensitive.
He is very sexy.
He is pretty romantic.
He respects me.
He loves me unconditionally.
He is absolutely without a doubt, everything that I ever prayed for and more!!

Tuesday, December 24, 2013

6 years ago

6 years ago we were so very excited. Christmas was filled special 'little boy' gifts. 6 years ago we were eagerly awaiting your arrival, preparing your nursery. 6 years ago I was filled with a joy I never imagined possible and ignorance was bliss. Today is different, I have joy, but nothing like when you were here. There is a huge hole in my heart with your precious name on it. I have grown, I have healed the way mothers heal, there is still a band-aid over that wound, but I know that you're in the arms of Jesus and grammy, and mommy couldn't ask for a better Christmas for you. But mommy misses you, I wonder what would you be like, would you be like your daddy? Would you be like me? I imagine you'd be of your own little self, full of wonder and life. I imagine you being so excited to see what Santa was going to bring you. I imagine being in the kitchen with you making Santa's cookies, and you setting up his cup of milk and setting out carrots and an apple for the reindeer. I imagine you running down the stairs coming into mommy and daddy's room to let us know that the jolly fella had stopped by. So many things we've missed seeing you do, but I imagine them all. I can picture you in so many ways it's not even funny. The rawness is completely gone, but your memory is still alive all around us. God has carried daddy and I through to a new us, an us where the pain is not as great as it was 5 years, 11 months, and 3 days ago. I don't know who I would be today had we never been blessed with you, you have taught me a love like no other. You've given me a dream I hope to fulfill, you have blessed me with empathy,sympathy and the need to help others on their journeys of loss. You served your purpose on this earth, my son even in the shortest amount of time you were here, you have been a blessing more than any other. God thank you for allowing us to be the earthly parents of our Tristan, and thank you God for your favor and continued healing. I don't know what it's like to see your children's face light up on Christmas morning, but I pray daily that God allows us that. I thank you Jesus for taking my son to a better place, and never allowing him to see the evils of this world. Even though his daddy and I miss him every single day of our lives.
Thank you family and friends for your continued prayers. We love you and wish you a VERY MERRY CHRISTMAS.

Wednesday, January 2, 2013

Happy New and Blessed Year!!

Oh I just know this is going to be a year full of blessings. God tells us to claim it, and I have. I am ready to accept God's guidance more and more! I have been happy, and I am getting happier. I still find myself feeling pangs of guilt when I'm extra happy, I chalk it up to remaining survivor's guilt, and that's ok, I'm still healing, every single day, I'm still healing. Those around me, though can attest that I've come almost full circle. I can see the laughter in my own eyes coming back, and for the first time ever, I can fully admit, that I was so terrified that I was not coming back, that I would never find myself out of that painful darkness I fell into after losing my 3rd child. I seriously wanted to die, I was self sabotaging myself with food. Seriously. I was bored, I'd eat, I was sad, mad, whatever, I would eat, and there were times (I'm kinda embarrassed to admit this, but here goes) that I would literally pile butter high, and anything else. Not all the time for the most part I tried eating healthy, but when no one was around, and I was alone, I would eat, and eat, and eat, and eat I wouldn't stop. I wanted to die, I felt that I deserved to die. Everything was a fight, I was constantly arguing with my husband, my mother, you name it I was negative. I was not a pleasant person, and I owe my everlasting love and gratitude to those who never left my side, and was on that phone every time, or rushing to my aid when I was so beside myself I couldn't breath. I don't know why, but a lot of the rawness, and darkness seems so distant, but like a faded memory I still feel so sad when thinking about it, and how the people around me that loves me felt so helpless. I wish my momma was here so that I could apologize for being so negative and angry with God.But I know she's got the best seat to it all!!!
I am not going to list everyone's name, I am however going to say you all know who you are and I LOVE YOU!!! I appreciate you!!

Now on to this year, so far to date, this year I've lost 66# and can proudly say that I am weighing in at 180.2 that is awesome since at the beginning of the year I was 20ish, and in August I was 246. My body seems to be getting back to what used to be normal and that's exciting!! I'm feeling better, I'm getting closer to God, and starting to enjoy life as god gives it to me. I'm going to vow to treasure every moment, that God blesses us with. Our prayers are being answered slowly but in His time!! ;) There is still childish family drama, but that's no longer my burden, as I've given it all, and all involved over to God, so that He may release me of the stress, worries, fears, and heartache. I am positive that God is going to bless us with a little one this year, I feel really really positive!! And that's ok if it don't happen this year, I feel it's nearing!! ;) :) And boy are we looking forward to the day we're holding our living, breathing pink healthy baby in our arms.

While everything is still not perfect, especially on the family front, so I ask that you continue to pray with me for salvation in my family, for peace, and for growth. I appreciate it.

I am really looking forward to what this year is going to bring. Tomorrow A and I will celebrate our 12th anniversary from when we started dating. It's hard to believe that it's been 12 years, and I still sometimes feel like a giddy girl when I see him. I am blessed that he is mine, granted on loan, but still God loaned him to me, and I couldn't be more blessed. Sure we have our issues, but in the grand scheme of things, he is my soul mate. I love him, even when I could throttle him, he is my sweetie. He loves me, respects me, and honors me in every essence of the word. He has been a true blessing in my life!!

I close this with my prayer for all to have the most blessed of years, may your dreams come true, and may you not struggle to make ends meet. May God wrap you all in His loving grace and heal all who are sick, those struggling with addiction, and those that are well. May God keep us all safe from harm, and may blessings always find you with every door that opens.

Good night my readers, and God bless you all!
Love,
Shannon

Monday, July 23, 2012

The clouds and you...

Today while I was outside playing with the dogs, I sat back and was watching the clouds. We have some really fluffy, storm clouds coming through. I love to do this. Well today, there you were, that perfect little sleeping face, the face I stared at til I memorized every detail of. That beautiful little face that I kissed goodbye.. there you were in the shape of the clouds. It was a beautiful feeling, but oh son how it made me yearn to hold you in my arms again. To kiss your little forehead. To feel your little fingers over mine. I closed my eyes and remembered the day I held you the little boy we have dreamed of having. The perfect little boy.. I miss you so much and I know daddy misses you just as much. We love you every second, of every day my sweet baby!!

Wednesday, July 11, 2012

Confused....

How can one be so happy, calm, and peaceful, thanking God constantly for my many blessings, yet so sad, jealous, and broken all at the same time? I never say anything because I think it's selfish. I am not a selfish person, so really please if anyone takes this the wrong way I apologize ahead of time.

Let me start out by saying that I am SO SO SO happy for each and every mommy out there, especially rainbow mommy's. I wait on baited breath these days, (kinda have for the last 6 years,) for every baby to be born awake, healthy and alive. I pray and thank God for these tiny blessings, but the selfish side of me is so jealous, I long so badly for a child of our own, to raise as God's child, to love, and treasure that blessing. I truly feel like an asshole when those selfish tears fall, which is always after my happy and relieved tears fall for that baby born.

I find myself confused and full of wonder. I wonder why we can't have a baby. I wonder if God has forgotten about Aaron and I. I wonder if God thinks I won't be a good mother. I wonder if continuing on is even worth it. Why continue torturing my husband and myself month after month for how many more years? Everyone always says one day it will happen, I try and believe that, and for the most part I do, but there's always my 'inner critic' doubting everything. I am so ashamed to have these feelings, but I guess if I didn't have them I wouldn't be human right? Throughout the last 6 years I have watched almost everyone I know, family, friends, etc.. has had babies, I just wish I was amongst them. Some days it's hard to log into even facebook but I always get a little chuckle out of at least a few of the kiddo's out there. :) I just really don't know what to do with these feelings. I don't know when we stop this journey and just live and be happy with each other and our fur-babies... I hate seeing the sadness wash across Aaron's face month after month, and I know he hates seeing it across mine. I just don't know where we go as far as ttc anymore. Yes, we are saving for an IUI, but what if that's not successful? In this economy, it's going to take a while to save up for IVF/adoption..
Then you have to wonder, should we just call it quits on wanting a child because of this economy and the way this country is headed? Is it going to be safe for our children?

So where do we go? That will depend on many things I'm sure. I am just tired. I haven't temped in so long, I just am ready to quit. Quit thinking about it, to shut that little nagging voice up, you know the one, 'oh it's fertile week, time for opk's.' blah blah blah....

Anyway, enough out of me today, I'm just in a confused mood. I can't understand why I am so sad for myself, when I have so many other blessings around me.

Thursday, May 3, 2012

THANK YOU

We can't even begin to express our gratitude for all your love, support and donations.. I just got off the phone with the RE and was told about the IUI in more detail, and what a ball park of our costs would be.. We are so close thanks to your donations.. It's going to cost roughly $900 for meds (since my ovaries haven't responded to the lower doses, they're going higher). And it's $1200 for monitoring and IUI!! That means we're $1200 away from our first IUI!! I can't even begin to tell you how excited we are, and blessed that so many of you care so much about us that you've helped us.. I can't wait til the day we have our little Rainbow, and sharing him/her with you!! And you all getting to watch them grow, because of you!!!

So many words are jumbling my brain I can't get them out fast enough to tell you how gracious and blessed we are to have such an amazing support group. So thank you, everyone who has shared our journey with your friends and family, who has donated, who has prayed, written me, and supported me, listened to me cry on the phone Mrs. Hazelton, Mrs. Brooks!!! You have no idea what your love means to me. What your graciousness has done and continues to do for us.. You've made this journey seem a little shorter, with a glaring light at the end of what was once a very dark and dreary tunnel.. So thank you for continuing to walk this journey with us, and sharing our story!!!

We love and appreciate you all from the bottom of our hearts!!!

Tuesday, May 1, 2012

Adventures and Motivation

You know we in life all have different paths, sometimes those paths cross. My path has crossed with so many beautiful, supportive, and loving women. I have been so blessed to know these women. I only just wish our paths were closer so that I could sit with them, have coffee, hug their necks, and say thank you in person. I've had the pleasure of meeting just a handful of these special women a year ago come August. I think of that weekend often!!!
I have such great friends that stretch from California, Canada, Massachusetts, to Florida. In Sept. 2006 after my first miscarriage I was scouring the infamous Google looking for other loss moms such as myself. I stumbled upon a website called BabyCenter.com, that is where I met 35 women that I would gain such wonderful friendships and links with.. Then throughout the years and losing Tristan, I became a group leader with some amazing loss friends on a few loss groups on babycenter. I toyed around on bbc a lot after that, visiting several different boards, where I found that a birth board needed a gl, and I volunteered, here is where I found a whole group of amazing women, women that have experienced loss, and life, and some that's never experienced loss.. These women took me in as one of their own, even though I wasn't pregnant, I was dealing with infertility, but these amazing women, (I'll call them my bacon lovin' Auggie momma's) were so awesome, they kept me laughing, they cried with me, they lifted me up, and most of all they're still apart of my life..

Now you wonder what I meant by adventures and motivation, Well every day is an adventure, one of which most days I have zero motivation to tackle.. I don't know if it's because of underlying depression I battle with, or just being so out of shape and overweight that I just quit caring, or maybe a little of both? I start something and have a hard time finishing it, except when it comes to ttc. Some people have accused me of being obsessed with trying to have a baby. Some (most) people understand and feel my undying drive.. But why is it that I have so much motivation and drive to have a baby, but not to lose weight and get healthier? I will admit, I am a comfort eater, I get sad/upset I eat. I try to stay away from junk food, but I find the more I try to steer clear of it, the more I want it.. lol typical right? Well that's one adventure I lack motivation.. My other is keeping motivation while cleaning and organizing.. I will start a project and leave it half way til another day.. I get distracted easily!! :)

But the biggest adventure and I love this adventure is being a wife, some days I just let the days flow, others I put forth my best, but all days I love my best friend, without him this adventure would be hellish and so very boring!!

Today feels like a day that I'm just rambling, and maybe I am, but I feel like this is the way to get my blog back to 'normal' to feel like I'm releasing, now maybe with this release, I love writing, and this is a perfect way!!! :)

Oh I almost forgot one of my favorite adventures, and that's my job!!! I LOVE being an Independent Creative Partner with Initials, Inc. And look forward to moving up that career ladder, cause that means more pay, more friends, and more motivation!!! I just have to say that if you or anyone you know is considering a direct sales business, I highly suggest Initials-inc. It is not saturated, it's a ground floor record breaking, company that has been featured in magazines and on Good Morning America.. I am proud to be a part of this amazing company, and this fabYOUlous adventure.. I would love to share more about it, but this is not the place, (although you may here me mention it a lot!!! I have a blog just for Initials :) There you can find deals, and other business adventures..

While I am waiting on af to arrive, I have to say again and again how overwhelmed and humbled I am by all of your support, that your donations are helping us get that much closer to being parents!! Thank you from the bottom of both of our hearts, I know Thank you, is not enough to show my appreciation, but hopefully one day we'll have that beautiful baby boy/girl in our arms, and you will feel, and see our gratitude!!! Finding you my friends has been a long, hard road, but blessed beyond measure!!!! ♥♥♥

Monday, April 30, 2012

Overwhelmed...

I am so overwhelmed and over joyed with the amount of love and support that's been shown just today, the messages I've gotten, the texts, the comments, and the donations.. Sometimes you feel so alone, and trapped on this journey, it's such a blessing to know that when you need, you have a support system bigger than you can imagine. I am beyond blessed for everyone of you.. Just in the course of a few hours because of your donations we have gained $375.00 towards our future Rainbow.. Thank you!! From the bottom of our hearts, thank you for this wonderful gift.. Thank you for sharing our donation page, thank you for the love, and mostly thank you for the prayers. .God says that "I tell you that if two of you on earth agree about anything you ask for, it will be done for you by my Father in heaven. For where two or three come together in my name, there am I with them." Matthew 18:19-20..

So with a final thank you just for the night, I bid you all a good night, may God bless you beyond measures, and give you all restful, peaceful sweet dreams.

Our journey continues......

Through the last 4 years of infertility I have learned so much about myself and my husband. How greatly strong he is, and just how meek I can be. My Aaron has been so strong in the face of infertility, so many times I've wanted to throw in the towel, but my ever loving and growing opptimist that I married, hasn't gotten to that point. Many tears I've cried, many tears he's wiped away. We just finished our second failed medicated cycle. I think the time has come to start moving up the fertility treatment ladder, to IUI, and IVF status.. The only thing is the cost is so stinkin' high, and of course it's all out of pocket. Insurance covers nothing of fertility so that makes it harder when you have parents like Aaron and I that want nothing more than to hold a baby in our arms, to love and raise that baby the way Jesus would want us to. And yes, the topic of adoption has come up, and it's upwards the price of IVF, and more.. So today with the push of some loving friends, we have decided to take their advice, and to reach out to our friends and family and ask for donations. We are not rich in money, but love, our cups runneth over.. I as a mother have so much love to give to children that is just trapped inside of me. And Aaron, has so many teachings and love of a father that is screaming to get out. This has been a very long, and a very painful journey, and with Gods guidance, your help, and our faith, I am hoping that we can all see the light at the end of the baby-less journey.. First and foremost, this baby (when we have one) will be raised in a christian home, with values and morals. Our children will be given over to Christ just as we were, and through God our saviour He will guide our hands in teaching these precious blessings from Him.. I will put the link to donate to our IUI & or IVF fun at the top of my blog, but also in this post.. We are humbled asking for your help, and hope that none of you think differently in us doing so, but we're at a loss.. We live a modest life, just like many of you, pay check to pay check with little left over just trying to get by. Some of you might even ask, "if you can't afford fertility treatments, how will you afford to care for a baby" Well my answer to that is the same way you care for yours. When something comes up, you provide. Our child will have a home (not a house, but a home with the love of Christ and his/her parents), food, medical, clothes, toys, and everything he/she needs.. If all you can offer is prayers, love and support, then please know that is also so so very welcome, and needed.. I am humbled to ask you to keep Aaron and I in your thoughts and prayers.. For I know the power in prayers!! Thank you all so very much for any and all help you can offer us during this part of our journey!! Love, Aaron and Shannon Goodwin You can donate here

Wednesday, March 28, 2012

While looking for ideas for a fellow loss mommy I ran across this site.. Pay special attention to the poems..

http://www.labelledame.com/sympathy-gift-jewelry.html

Tristan always has been and always will be our little dragonfly!!!

Friday, December 23, 2011

Christmas is near

Merry Christmas everyone!!! It's been so long since I have written anything. A quick little update, I am back amongst people!! I have been working since August, granted 3 different jobs, but hey finally found the one I will probably be with for the rest of my working life!!! Never found a job I cared about that much!! Helps that its a christian atmosphere!!!

This is our 3rd official christmas without Tristan and sexond without momma, it's proving to be an emotional rollercoaster for sure. But I pick myself up daiky and move forward! Working sure helps.

Rrcently another mom lost her baby that shook the nation, both supporters and negative nancies. Jimbob and Michelle Duggar lost their 21st child, at only 19 weeks they found out there was no heartbeat. Michelle being the wonderfully graceful christian,lady she is has publicly held it together. She is much stringer than I could have ever imagined being. She's moving forward with such poise and grace. They shared the most touch beautiful photos of little Jubilees hand and feet, and some of the negative comments made me see red. But I continue to oray for them as I know she must have breakdowns at home from time to time.
that is all for now as I have to get ready for work. I will continue to write as I find it very relieving!!!

MERRY CHRISTMAS AND HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!!

Tuesday, September 13, 2011

My New and FabYOUlous business

I am so excited to announce that I've joined one of the biggest upcoming and wonderful businesses.. I am now a Creative Partner with Initials-Inc.. It's a wonderful opportunity with wonderful products as well.. The business is going to be featured in Women's Day Magazine!! That is so exciting.

I am so excited, and love the idea of meeting new and fun people, having parties and interactions with more adults (or should I say humans hee hee)

So to all my readers, no need to be local, if you're interested in hosting a party, let me know and I will mail you some catalogs.. And if you're interested in joining this wonderful company and being in business for yourself but NOT by yourself, I can help you join, the great thing about joining now, is the price of the starter kit is $40 dollars cheaper!!!!! This Friday Sept. 16, 2011 the price of the starter kit will be only $100.00!!!!! And the hostess rewards are so awesome!! So what are you waiting for? Call me, text me, message me, or facebook me, leave me a comment here, and lets talk Initials-Inc!!! And as always personalization is FREE!!!!!

Thursday, July 14, 2011

3 years 4 months....40 months...14,600 days too long!

That we have been trying to have a baby since losing Tristan.. It feels like an eternity. I am so tired.. Tired of caring, tired of trying, tired of wanting.. But I can't shut the desire to be a mommy off, the more I try, the louder it gets.. .WTF is wrong with me? Ugh, actually kinda irritating honestly.

When do you know it's time to quit? How does a born to be a mommy type of girl, just let go of her dreams? Ever since I was a kid I wanted to be a mommy when I grew up.. How is it I can get pregnant 3 times naturally, but now, I can't for the life of me..

I am so tired of hearing, "you know if you'd quit trying, it would happen" well shit, why didn't I ever think of that? I hear that all the freaking time people!! NEWS FLASH btdt (been there done that). Didn't happen.. "Have you thought about adopting" another one that I hear constantly. While I don't have any negative to say about adoption, we are not there yet.

I am mad at myself for letting it hurt me still.. I have to let it go, let go of the pain, let go of the desire, then, maybe just maybe if I can fully accept that it may never happen, it won't hurt so freaking bad. Every month I feel those signature cramps, or that killer headache it won't suck the air right out of my lungs, and put that huge knot in my throat that I have to fight away, so that people won't see, don't know.. I don't want sympathy, I want a child,a LIVING child.

After watching all the reports and what not on Casey Anthony, and them releasing jail letters she wrote saying that she wanted to either adopt or get pregnant again, makes my heart sink to the bottom of my stomach, knowing how trash like that always seems to get their way through everything, and get their babies never having to struggle infertility.. She's bound to get what she wants, don't all the crack heads and the like?

I don't know how much longer I can last on this journey, maybe God's will isn't my hearts desire.....

Tuesday, July 12, 2011

Why I write..

I am so humbled right now.. I have not logged into my babycenter.com account in over a month, and so you can about imagine the messages in my inbox, over 1000.. Not very often do I get a note that makes me smile, cry and feel so blessed for my son, and journey.. Today I got one of those notes. I can't describe in words what I am feeling right now.. Every since we lost Tristan, I always said that if he helped just one person, one mother, one anyone through this same journey than I realize what God's plan was for him, and me.. To teach me so much, to meet so many people, and to become a different person than I ever imagined.. I never thought by my sharing my journey through pregnancy loss, infertility, and hurt that I could help anyone, but today, I got thanked for unknowingly helping someone. That warms my heart to know that my son helped me to help another mother through her own journey of loss and pain.

If the owner of that letter is reading this today, thank you for helping me also!!

Tuesday, July 5, 2011

A real unjustice for a sweet angel..

I don't even know how to begin to settle my thoughts and opinions down on the most shocking verdict in a homicide of a precious 2 year old baby girl 3 years ago.. I can not seriously believe my ears.. My heart is aching for the unjustice for this precious baby girl.

In June of 2008 we learned that a precious baby girl was missing,and her mother, Casey Anthony waited THIRTY-ONE days before saying anything, and if her mother, Cindy Anthony had not pressured her to see Caylee, Casey would have never said anything, she would have went on, with her life so easy for her.. Now, as a mother of loss, I can attest that losing your child is anything but easy. And this woman, allowed her daughter to be 'missing' for 31 days, while she was clubbin', entering hot body contests, and getting a tattoo. "Bella Vita" which means beautiful life..But yet her sweet baby girl is missing.. What the hell is so beautiful about that? The internet records showing "someone" (yet the time stamps were when Casey was the only one home) had done searches for chloroform.. And the duct tape being a rare duct tape, that George Anthony had in the garage, the gas can, the fact that she was wrapped up like the Anthony's wrapped their pets when they passed. and tossed in the freaking swamps.. How the hell is that honestly not enough evidence?? Then you throw in the verbal evidence of smell from human decomposition in her trunk. I don't understand what's so wrong with what the prosecution presented?!

And the verdict came in
Count 1. first-degree murder---Not Guilty
Count 2. aggravated child abuse---Not Guilty
Count 3. aggravated manslaughter of a child---Not Guilty
Count 4, 5, 6 and 7 providing false information to a law enforcement officer---Guilty

I personally think that her parents know she killed their granddaughter, a mother knows.. I don't care about what, a mother knows her child, and knows without a shadow of a doubt what her daughter did. I loved George Anthony's statement he made to the public..

CASEY ANTHONY'S FAMILY

[Updated at 5:08 p.m.] Attorney Mark Lippman issued a statement on behalf of Lee, George and Cindy Anthony:

While the family may never know what has happened to Caylee Marie Anthony, they now have closure for this chapter of their life. They will now begin the long process of rebuilding their lives.

Despite the baseless defense chosen by Casey Anthony, the family believes that the Jury made a fair decision based on the evidence presented, the testimony presented, the scientific information presented and the rules that were given to them by the Honorable Judge Perry to guide them.

The family hopes that they will be given the time by the media to reflect on this verdict and decide the best way to move forward privately.

The family also wanted the public to know that if anyone wanted to honor Caylee by leaving stuffed animals or other toys at any area near their home, that they would prefer those items be donated in Caylee’ s name to families in need, religious centers, or any other entity where the toys would be appreciated.

I am truly saddened by this, it brings up a lot of emotions for me, 6 months after my much loved and wanted baby boy died because my body failed him, and this woman kills her baby and gets away with it?!?!? I hope and I pray that she does not get one moment of rest, that she lives forever restless, with haunting memories of killing her daughter. As my aunt would say, Casey Anthony, I would not want to be in your socks and shoes when you come face to face with God.. While you might not have been found guilty in front of a jury of your peers, and our lousy judicial system, God has already picked the perfect spot in hell for you..

Rest in Peace baby girl, I hurt wondering if you knew what was happening to you, I shudder at the thought that of you suffocating to death in the trunk of your mommy's car while she was in a club having the time of her life.. You're well and whole, and I hope that you're at peace sweet Caylee.. I am in tears watching this unfold, your sweet photo's all over the news, you were a beautiful baby girl, that was taken way to soon, in such a cruel cruel way sweet baby!!! Your mommy should have protected you not hurt you!! You're in such a better place now baby girl!

Every body that has their children with them, and has the ability to hug and love on them, do it for Caylee tonight, do it for that sweet baby girl.. Love your babies just a little bit more!!

Sunday, July 3, 2011

Update

I have been horrible!! I forgot to share my bloodwork update.. I'm still taking the metformin, BUT my insulin is down to normal!!! Yay!! We are considering starting clomid in the early fall, but still undecided.. Will keep you posted.

Wednesday, June 29, 2011

What is this?

What is this feeling I feel? Is this happiness? True, unguarded happiness? I seriously for the first time in 3 years do not feel like I'm faking this.. LOl, maybe I got so good at putting on that happy mask, that it finally sunk in. hee hee, I kid... :) I feel guilty though at times that I'm not still grieving. To be totally honest, this feeling of happiness, and peacefulness has gotten stronger since cutting my dad out of my life. Plus working, let me tell you how good that feels.. I'm finally getting out of the house, away from the constant thoughts, it's so what's the word so liberating.. Sure, I miss staying home, my animals miss me for sure, but for me, I think this is truly where my momma was trying to get me to before she died.. She didn't stop from the day Tristan died, she didn't stop trying to help me out of that dark dark place I was. But knowing she has him, and she's taking care of him, that is the most comforting thought. Being out in the public again, is doing more for me than just boosting my spirit, I'm losing this weight.. (finally ;) I'm smiling all the time now, I'm wearing make up, and actually caring what I look like again.. I'm out of my pj's!! I seriously never thought I'd see the day where I could actually handle seeing, much less talking to a woman that's expecting.. Or talk so easily about my infertility, and the plan of action.. It no longer feels like I'm this dark plague that no one wants to approach.

I am also so ecstatic to be finding all my old friends again.. I've searched for and wondered where they all ended up, with each friend there's memories that just remind me of fun times and it's all so wonderful.. I had lots of fun back in high school.. Most of my friends have stayed in or around my home state. But some reach as far as Germany to California.. It's awesome seeing where and what every one's doing, and how or if they've changed. It's been 15 years since I've seen the most recent friends, and we were close.. It was wonderful talking to one of those friends today. We shared a fun history.. It just makes me have a big smile to find people that have impacted my life in one way or another, especially at times I felt like I impacted no one. But really I guess I did, cause my friends were searching for me to. :)

Nothing else is really new on the home front, A is working some very long and hard hours so we really rarely see each other, I do miss him.. We have our breakfast and then don't see each other til 7-10pm.. :( Have to love the oilfield.. He's been going out in the field more to the last few months.. Which is good for pay, but bad for the body!! lol.. We're not such young pups anymore..
But it's honest, and we gotta do it!!

I really do wish my mommy was here to see how happy I am.. I miss her so much.. I love you momma!! Give Tristan, Xavier and February my kisses!!

Monday, June 20, 2011

Changes

So many changes have gone on the last few months. I don't even know where to begin..

I have been dealing with writers block, and I guess I'm so used to writing about all the sadness in my life, I've failed to share any happiness.. Maybe I feel guilty sometimes for being so happy, that I should be grieving still. Which don't get me wrong, I am still grieving, for my mom, and my sweet Tristan.. It's kinda hard to explain where I am right now, but I'm at peace and have a comfort and warmth in my heart that I haven't felt in a VERY VERY long time.

My mom, who was in fact my best friend, the one that I shared everything with is gone, so I find myself walking around talking to her.. For example, something happens and I'll be like, did you see that momma.. I have my aunt, which has been the best life savor for me. She is so so much like momma that it feels sometimes like I'm talking to momma again. I miss her so terribly much.. My grief is so much different for momma than for Tristan. I feel more of a peace with momma's loss.. I remember one day, I told my mom, you know we all expect to lose our parents, while it hurts like hell, we still expect it, but what we don't expect is to lose our children. When we lost momma, I feel like I lost both my mom and dad.. My momma was great at filling the role of both parents.. She was practically a single mom, even if she was married to my dad. He was never much of a dad, only when it was convenient for him. Or if it benefited him. He used to always say, there's assests and liabilities.. Can you guess which category my mom, brother and I fell into......Yep you nailed it, we were all liabilities. It's sad that he felt the need to divorce his children too when him and mom divorced a couple years ago.. But ya know, thinking about it, he needed to be there to divorce us right?!? lol.. Anyway, I did finally see him for what he was, and what I already knew but didn't want to believe. On my brother's and I birthday's, the ONLY reason he called either of us was to ask if he could have my mom's (his ex wife's) death certificate, so that he would no longer have to pay for my mom's student loan.. Before then I can't remember the last time he called, so there in a nut shell, he only accepted us when we had something he wanted.. Nice..

Anyway, since then, we had a huge blow up, his wife and I mainly, and now my grandparents won't even see me. WTF?? Oh well, as much as it hurts I have to say it's their loss. I'm praying like mad that God will lift the blinders that they have on, so that they can both see the truth and who their son really is.

Ok, enough of him, I've now cut him off, and he's not a part of my life any more and don't think he will ever be again.

I started working again!! SO happy about this. Loving every minute of it, even if it is only a few hours a day, it's so very worth it!! I've lost 10# since my first day of work.. It's nice, it gives me some time with humans having human conversations.. Instead of me trying to carry on conversations with dogs that just cock their head to the side, and look at me like I said the word treat..

I've also taken up couponing, and one day hope to be as good as those extreme couponer's.. I want a stock pile room and all. And we have the PERFECT spot for it.. See out of our 5 bedrooms, 2 are kinda like Jack and Jill bedrooms, where one is inside the other room.. Almost like maybe one was a sleeping quarter, the other a reading/study.. (Remember the house was built in 1936). Anyway the smaller room that is set in the back of the bigger room, is the perfect spot.. I also am dabbling in crochet, and cooking more. I love finding healthy, yummy recipe's..

We're still dealing with the infertility, but taking our time and just enjoying the summer and life right now..

I have some plans for the summer I'm excited that I'm finally after 5 years I'm going to get the pleasure of meeting some of the most amazing women. Women that have been in my life and my heart since the loss of our first baby. I've grown to love these women.. These women have been my strength when I most needed it and couldn't move from off the couch, and internet.. They have been my will power when I was lacking. They have been tough on me when I needed a good kick in the rear, and they've just loved me for me.. They really helped us out when we lost Tristan. From calling me the day after I had him, just to let me know that I was on their mind, to let me know they loved me and was thinking about Aaron and I. They also fed us for several months afterwards.. :) And the crazy part is, they live all over the world, from California, to Florida, from Massachusetts to Texas.. From Canada, to Georgia, women that I've never 'met', but have shared more with than I've shared with most anyone. Women that I finally get to meet!!! I'm so excited!!!

Our summer is trying to fill up fast, and I'm excited about that!!! It makes it more fun that way!!! Poor Aaron is so busy with work. He's putting in a LOT of long hours, which is another reason I'm glad to be back to working that way it's not so lonely without my baby at home.. ;)

Well I guess that I've said enough for now. I will try and keep up with writing, I forgot how good it feels to just let it out..