Our Journey.....

January 2001, it was a cold, blistery, icy day in Oklahoma City, the day my future husband asked me to be his girl!!! March 31, 2006 was our wedding day.. We had decided that since we'd already been together for 5 years that we would immediately start trying for a baby. So in April that's what we did.. It took us 3 months and in July we were looking at a positive pregnancy test.. It was the 5th of July.. I remember thinking the 4th that I had to of been pregnant, as the beer just tasted horrible and I was wanting to sleep.. That pregnancy was not the easiest.. We started bleeding from the beginning, it was diagnosed a subchorionic hemorrhage.. It was a huge blood clot between the uterus and placenta.. Well fast forward to 12 weeks after getting off bed rest and having no more bleeding.. We had an ultrasound to find that our precious baby had passed on 3 weeks before.. I had what they called a missed abortion (you won't see me use this term as I HATE it..) So I had to schedule a d n c for the next day.. That morning around 4 am I woke up to severe pains and bleeding only to find out that my body had finally realized that it was miscarrying, so we got bumped up a few hours to do the d n c.. Our dr. sent the 'remains' off to the lab for genetic testing and he called a few weeks later to tell me that our baby was a healthy baby boy.. We named him Xavier Ahren. He was 9 weeks 5 days and our d n c was on 9/19/06.. We were told we could try after our first cycle, so we did, we got pregnant 4 months later, we were excited, yet nervous.. There was no bleeding and our number's were progressing well. Well at 5 weeks we had an u/s.. Nothing but a sac. We were told to come back 2 weeks later, at 7 weeks we went back and still there was only a sac, but a second sac was visible now too..The dr. thought he had seen a second sac at 5 weeks but we didn't think nothing of it.. We were told to come back in a week.. We went back at 8 weeks 3 days, still only a sac, that was starting to shrink, and the second sac completely gone.. We were diagnosed with a blighted ovum and decided to do a d n c right then instead of waiting.. We were devastated, again....We call this baby (well what should have been a baby) February, we needed closure.. well I needed closure) 4 months later, June 27, 2007 could it be? Yes it is, a big fat positive, I couldn't believe it, whoo-hoo we were pregnant again.. I was nervous as all get out, could barely stand myself I was so nervous. We had slight spotting at 5 weeks and went to the ER, only to be told we had a slight subchorionic hemorrhage, you can about guess my nerves shot straight through the roof, great here we go again.... I prepared myself to lose this baby too, but wait, it's 12 weeks and we're still pregnant, and there's a heartbeat?!?! Wow, 19 weeks and it's a BOY?!?! Is this for real? Is this really happening? We're going to be parents for real this time? Little did we know what God had in store for us....... January 21, 2008, Martin Luther King day, Monday, and the beginning of our 33rd week.. Everything started out great, Our little boy had woke me up at 5 am having a little kick-boxing tournament, this was the VERY FIRST time this had ever happened. I went about my morning, got on the computer, was fixing to start chatting with some girlfriends of mine, when I got the most oddest, most painful cramp I've ever gotten.. In all honesty I thought I had to go to the bathroom.. So I finished typing out what I had to say, and headed to the bathroom, the only thing was the pain was overwhelming, I was literally on my tip-toes.. (if I knew then what I know now, I would have just started pushing right then.... :( ) I sat down and hear a pop, gush....My first thought was Oh shit, my water just broke, I'm only 33 weeks, and we still have 7 weeks to go, ok, we can deal with NICU.. But then I look down.. The image I seen will forever haunt me, blood, and lots of it, I've never in all of my life seen so much blood as I did this day.. From here everything went down hill and FAST!! I stood up, grabbed some tissue and put it between my legs and ran to the living room, grabbed the phone, and called my husband, I was so scared, and deep inside, I knew he was gone...But I get a hold of him.. We talk he leaves work.. Well not thinking of the holiday it was I called my dr's office, no answer, I'm starting to feel faint and light headed, so I lay down on the floor, I called the ER and told them what was going on, all they could say is "why are you calling the er?" I just hung up.. Aaron called and was on the phone with 911 when he walked in the house.. He helped me to the living room couch where I laid down and was in so much pain, more pain than I ever imagined possible.. The paramedics showed up. finally.. Well apparently I got the pick of the day, 2 of the most ignorant, most hateful, degrading, pieces of crap people to come help us.. One was a rookie, and the other was a jerk.. The jerk asked me if I was pregnant? Duh, I'm 8 months freaking pregnant!! I'm huge!! He then says "Are you bleeding?" My reply was yes, his was well you miscarried......WHAT?!?! You're seriously going to tell a freaking 8 month pregnant woman that she just miscarried.. I already hated the idiot.. He then asks me if I can get up on my own and move to the gurney, sure I say, and as I do I throw up, he then thrust this bag in my face and say's "throw up in here not in my bus, I just cleaned it" they then proceed to wheel me out of my house, with no blanket on, just panties and a t-shirt.. I asked for my own blanket. Then they wheel me over the stepping stones instead of picking me up and carrying me, this hurt like you wouldn't believe the pain is still very vivid in my mind.. We'd already told them 2 times they've asked what hospital we were going to, twice, Women's and children's.. they get me in the ambulance, and pull out.. They didn't give me oxygen or anything except an iv. of saline.. I keep feeling the need to pass out, and gushes of blood coming out of me.. I told him that I felt like I was going to pass out, and he said there was nothing he could do, I was already laying down. So about this time I look out the window wondering why it's taking so long to get to my hospital, the idiots took me to the wrong hospital... . I keep feeling the need to close my eyes...just go to sleep.. Well they FINALLY get me to Women's and Children's, and upstairs to Labor and Delivery, where I coded, on the spot.. I remember the nurse checking me, and her saying that I was dialated 2 cm, and trying to find Tristan's heartbeat, it wasn't there.. I remember looking to Aaron and saying he's gone honey, my baby's gone, and Aaron, and the nurse both saying no he's probably hiding.. then I vaguely remember hearing Aaron say her eyes are rolling and the nurse saying Oh shit (as she hits the wall) and saying I need help in here.. (Later found out she called a code blue on me).. The next memories are in and out, and still comes back in flashes.. I remember waking in this room, very cold, and 2 people above my head, one woman on man, and I hear them saying we need to intibuate and start cpr, where is everyone at? I remember my dr. Dr. H standing next to me saying "Hi Shannon, it's me Dr. H and there's no fetal heart activity we need to operate immediately to find out where the bleed is before we lose you.. Then I felt him cut me, and everything went black.. The next thing I remember is waking up in the recovery room, looking up and seeing Aaron's face, and knowing that something was VERY wrong.. Then our social worker, Ms. Mary asked me if I would like to hold our son.....This was the first time I seen my little boy, he was gone, lifeless, but the most amazing creature I've ever seen, the most beautiful little boy.. Beings that I had a c section I had to stay in the hospital for a few days.. We were released, on Jan. 24, 2008 and it was hard leaving that hospital with only plants and a memory box full of Tristan's belongings, yet leaving him there.. This blog is full of the last 2 years and the years of battling infertility, and our journey to parent hood, if it's meant to be..
Photobucket
Photobucket Photobucket Photobucket

Thursday, September 11, 2008

I MISS YOU


How do I go on? Why do I go on? Why did you leave me? Did I do something to anger you? I don't understand. God say's he's all about love, yet he took you away from me. God says he don't put more on you that you can handle, yet he took you away from me. God also states that he don't want to see us hurt, yet again he took you away from me. I'm angry. It's not fair, you've got girls out here that's herione addicts, meth addicts, alcoholics, and they're babies live. Why not mine? I did NOTHING wrong.. Why did God allow my body to fail you Tristan?? Why do we have to continuously suffer pain and anguish when there's people out there that don't deserve children, who kill their babies, throw them in dumpsters to die, abandon them, and they're blessed with a beautiful baby, it's not fair. We prayed and prayed for a healthy living child, yet God didn't answer those prayers, he did the opposite and took our precious living child away from us. What did I do God? Why don't you answer me? I've begged for an answer as to why? Why us? Why my Tristan??
I've asked you numerous times Lord what did I do?? Still you don't answer me. Are you so angry with me that you sit up there in silence when it comes to me and my prayers?? How have I angered you, what can I do to change it?? I just wanted our son, you blessed us with him for only 33 weeks, yes I'm greatful I got to know him that long, but I'm hurt, angry and confused as to why YOU father took him from me, his mother.. Do you not see me as a fit mom? Do you see me like my mother's?? Well I'm not them, I am NOT going to be the same mom.. Give me a chance Lord, let me prove to you that I will be the mother that you want me to be. A mother that teaches her babies about you, a mother that will love her children til the day you call me home, a mother that will not allow ANYONE to emotionally or physically hurt her children... I want to be the mother that you have invisioned and foreseen me to be. Lord I love you, but I'm so very angry with you for taking Tristan away from us. Please forgive me for being angry, I can't help it.

Tristan,
mommy loves you every second of every day, you were and are my every thought, my every feeling and my every emotion. I wish things would have been different, I wish that this halloween I was dressing up my little lobster. I wish that I was kissing those chubby little baby cheeks, and hearing you coo and say da da da da and ma ma ma ma, and any other little sounds and words you might be saying by now. I wish I was watching you crawl chasing after the kitties, and me chasing after you. I wish that I could see those big brown eyes, that beautiful little smile that I seen in your ultra sound. I wish, thats' all I can do, wish. I wish upon every star I see. I wish upon every dragon fly I see. You are my little dragon fly son, and I know you're busy playing with Frodo, but your daddy really needs to feel you close, can you please come visit daddy sweetie, and mommy too if you get the chance. I hope the reason we haven't had a visit is because you're up there helping Jesus pick out your little brother/sister.
baby mommy can't wait til it's my turn to come see you, when Jesus calls me home I can't wait to hold you in my arms again. I will forever remember how you felt in my arms, so perfect, yet so lifeless. I love you Tristan Alexander! I love you with my heart and soul!!
Posted by at 5 comments:

I MISS YOU


How do I go on? Why do I go on? Why did you leave me? Did I do something to anger you? I don't understand. God say's he's all about love, yet he took you away from me. God says he don't put more on you that you can handle, yet he took you away from me. God also states that he don't want to see us hurt, yet again he took you away from me. I'm angry. It's not fair, you've got girls out here that's herione addicts, meth addicts, alcoholics, and they're babies live. Why not mine? I did NOTHING wrong.. Why did God allow my body to fail you Tristan?? Why do we have to continuously suffer pain and anguish when there's people out there that don't deserve children, who kill their babies, throw them in dumpsters to die, abandon them, and they're blessed with a beautiful baby, it's not fair. We prayed and prayed for a healthy living child, yet God didn't answer those prayers, he did the opposite and took our precious living child away from us. What did I do God? Why don't you answer me? I've begged for an answer as to why? Why us? Why my Tristan??
I've asked you numerous times Lord what did I do?? Still you don't answer me. Are you so angry with me that you sit up there in silence when it comes to me and my prayers?? How have I angered you, what can I do to change it?? I just wanted our son, you blessed us with him for only 33 weeks, yes I'm greatful I got to know him that long, but I'm hurt, angry and confused as to why YOU father took him from me, his mother.. Do you not see me as a fit mom? Do you see me like my mother's?? Well I'm not them, I am NOT going to be the same mom.. Give me a chance Lord, let me prove to you that I will be the mother that you want me to be. A mother that teaches her babies about you, a mother that will love her children til the day you call me home, a mother that will not allow ANYONE to emotionally or physically hurt her children... I want to be the mother that you have invisioned and foreseen me to be. Lord I love you, but I'm so very angry with you for taking Tristan away from us. Please forgive me for being angry, I can't help it.

Tristan,
mommy loves you every second of every day, you were and are my every thought, my every feeling and my every emotion. I wish things would have been different, I wish that this halloween I was dressing up my little lobster. I wish that I was kissing those chubby little baby cheeks, and hearing you coo and say da da da da and ma ma ma ma, and any other little sounds and words you might be saying by now. I wish I was watching you crawl chasing after the kitties, and me chasing after you. I wish that I could see those big brown eyes, that beautiful little smile that I seen in your ultra sound. I wish, thats' all I can do, wish. I wish upon every star I see. I wish upon every dragon fly I see. You are my little dragon fly son, and I know you're busy playing with Frodo, but your daddy really needs to feel you close, can you please come visit daddy sweetie, and mommy too if you get the chance. I hope the reason we haven't had a visit is because you're up there helping Jesus pick out your little brother/sister.
baby mommy can't wait til it's my turn to come see you, when Jesus calls me home I can't wait to hold you in my arms again. I will forever remember how you felt in my arms, so perfect, yet so lifeless. I love you Tristan Alexander! I love you with my heart and soul!!
Posted by at 6 comments:

Monday, September 8, 2008

Little Angels



When God calls little children to dwell with Him above
We mortals sometimes question the wisdom of His love
For no heartache compares with the death of one small child
Who does so much to make our world seem wonderful and mild
Perhaps God tires of calling the aged to His fold
So he picks a rosebud before it can grow old
God knows how much we need them, and so He takes but a few
To make the land of Heaven more beautiful to view
Believing this is difficult still somehow we must try
The saddest word mankind knows will always be "Good-bye"
So when a little child departs, we who are left behind
Must realize God loves children. Angels are hard to find.


Author Unknown
Submitted by Katrina & Francis Rapposelli
In Loving Memory of Christina Elise
Stillborn October 20, 1996



I Miss Him


I miss him, the babe, the first born


In his personality he taught me real joy


I could not see his laughter or his smile


But I knew his happiness


I knew my son, my first-born boy.


I miss him my dream come true.


All the years of planning,


All the hopes of what and when


He would be came forth in him,


My beautiful boy with his eyes of brown*.


I miss him, the one I held that January* afternoon*,


No breath could I feel but yet I knew how alive he was.


Memories do not die nor do golden angels.


I'll remember him always


My babe, My son, my first born


~Phyllis Adams


* some words to the poem was changed to benefit Tristan,


*brown was blue


*January was August


*afternoon, was morn...






Oh Mother, My Mother

Oh Mother, my mother
I touch your tears,
Invisible fingers soothing your skin
I know you think of me so often
In the day, in the night, in your dreams
Going inot an empty nursery
Knowing I’ll never be there
But I am…in your heart, in your soul,
I shall always be
For you gave so unselfishly of yourself
Inside of you, you created
Such a world for me
A world of laughter, of love
Of sadness, of sorrow
Every emotion people come to know
You shared with me.
And even though I may never feel your arms around me
I felt your heart beating,
Like a lullaby, singing me to sleep.
And your spirit giving me a safe haven
Already protecting me, nurturing me
Preparing me for things to come
But sometimes the journey of life pulls souls apart
And yes, I had to go on to another place.
I wish I could stay
I wish this was a decision I could make
And I know you do too.
Know this, wherever you are:
I will always remember
that yours was the first love
the first joy, the first soul
I will ever know
You gave me courage to
Go on in my journey
I hope I can do the same for you
Your heart beat will always call me to you.

Author: Theresa Cochrane


Posted by at 1 comment:

Little Angels



When God calls little children to dwell with Him above
We mortals sometimes question the wisdom of His love
For no heartache compares with the death of one small child
Who does so much to make our world seem wonderful and mild
Perhaps God tires of calling the aged to His fold
So he picks a rosebud before it can grow old
God knows how much we need them, and so He takes but a few
To make the land of Heaven more beautiful to view
Believing this is difficult still somehow we must try
The saddest word mankind knows will always be "Good-bye"
So when a little child departs, we who are left behind
Must realize God loves children. Angels are hard to find.


Author Unknown
Submitted by Katrina & Francis Rapposelli
In Loving Memory of Christina Elise
Stillborn October 20, 1996



I Miss Him


I miss him, the babe, the first born


In his personality he taught me real joy


I could not see his laughter or his smile


But I knew his happiness


I knew my son, my first-born boy.


I miss him my dream come true.


All the years of planning,


All the hopes of what and when


He would be came forth in him,


My beautiful boy with his eyes of brown*.


I miss him, the one I held that January* afternoon*,


No breath could I feel but yet I knew how alive he was.


Memories do not die nor do golden angels.


I'll remember him always


My babe, My son, my first born


~Phyllis Adams


* some words to the poem was changed to benefit Tristan,


*brown was blue


*January was August


*afternoon, was morn...






Oh Mother, My Mother

Oh Mother, my mother
I touch your tears,
Invisible fingers soothing your skin
I know you think of me so often
In the day, in the night, in your dreams
Going inot an empty nursery
Knowing I’ll never be there
But I am…in your heart, in your soul,
I shall always be
For you gave so unselfishly of yourself
Inside of you, you created
Such a world for me
A world of laughter, of love
Of sadness, of sorrow
Every emotion people come to know
You shared with me.
And even though I may never feel your arms around me
I felt your heart beating,
Like a lullaby, singing me to sleep.
And your spirit giving me a safe haven
Already protecting me, nurturing me
Preparing me for things to come
But sometimes the journey of life pulls souls apart
And yes, I had to go on to another place.
I wish I could stay
I wish this was a decision I could make
And I know you do too.
Know this, wherever you are:
I will always remember
that yours was the first love
the first joy, the first soul
I will ever know
You gave me courage to
Go on in my journey
I hope I can do the same for you
Your heart beat will always call me to you.

Author: Theresa Cochrane


Posted by at 1 comment:

33 weeks

Tristan,
Hey buddy, how are you? Do you know how much mommy misses you? How much we love you? How much we yearn to hold you and kiss you? You've been gone for as long as we had you, and it's hard, it's so so hard baby, this is NOT the way our lives were supposed to be is it sweetie? Do you see me kiss your urn every morning and every night? Do you feel our love come to you on dragonfly wings? Is Jesus telling you all about us? Are you being a good boy for Maw Maw, papa, rainbow grandma? You're so so loved sweetie, you're so missed, everyone that knew you and even those who don't.. You're missed by so many people honey..

You've been gone for a very long 33 weeks, although some days it seems as though it were yesterday, we only got to know you for 33 weeks those were the most beautiful 33 weeks of mommies life, to feel you growing, rolling around, and kicking mommy, your little hiccups, God baby mommy misses all of that. I miss you so terribly much. My heart feels as though it's being held together by bandaids, and they're not holding very well. Because my heart feels as though it's ripping open all over again if that is even possible. 33 weeks ago, I never imagined that you would be ripped away from me as you were.

I know that God had other plans for you, and some days that angers me, it angers me because I had plans of being your mommy, of teaching how to be a man of God! Your daddy wanted to teach you to hunt, and to do all those manly things, shave, work, hunt, how to treat a lady. But instead God called you to be his special angel, he has so many plans for you, and us, I just wish that there was a way to know what these plans are. I wish there were a window into heaven so that I could see you playing, I want to see that beautiful little face of yours, I want to see you play, and run, and being a little boy.

Well sweet heart, as we approach your 8 month angel birthday, I sit here completely saddened, because you're not here, but as daddy say's we know that you don't always want to see us sad, but baby how do I be happy without you? Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas, all these wonderful holiday's approaching that we had plans for.....These are sad times for mommy...... I know it's the plans and expectations I grieve.

Son you are and always will be with mommy and daddy, you were and are our everything, you took a bit of my heart and soul with you when you left my sweet boy..
Loving you today, and always
Mommy
Posted by at No comments:

33 weeks

Tristan,
Hey buddy, how are you? Do you know how much mommy misses you? How much we love you? How much we yearn to hold you and kiss you? You've been gone for as long as we had you, and it's hard, it's so so hard baby, this is NOT the way our lives were supposed to be is it sweetie? Do you see me kiss your urn every morning and every night? Do you feel our love come to you on dragonfly wings? Is Jesus telling you all about us? Are you being a good boy for Maw Maw, papa, rainbow grandma? You're so so loved sweetie, you're so missed, everyone that knew you and even those who don't.. You're missed by so many people honey..

You've been gone for a very long 33 weeks, although some days it seems as though it were yesterday, we only got to know you for 33 weeks those were the most beautiful 33 weeks of mommies life, to feel you growing, rolling around, and kicking mommy, your little hiccups, God baby mommy misses all of that. I miss you so terribly much. My heart feels as though it's being held together by bandaids, and they're not holding very well. Because my heart feels as though it's ripping open all over again if that is even possible. 33 weeks ago, I never imagined that you would be ripped away from me as you were.

I know that God had other plans for you, and some days that angers me, it angers me because I had plans of being your mommy, of teaching how to be a man of God! Your daddy wanted to teach you to hunt, and to do all those manly things, shave, work, hunt, how to treat a lady. But instead God called you to be his special angel, he has so many plans for you, and us, I just wish that there was a way to know what these plans are. I wish there were a window into heaven so that I could see you playing, I want to see that beautiful little face of yours, I want to see you play, and run, and being a little boy.

Well sweet heart, as we approach your 8 month angel birthday, I sit here completely saddened, because you're not here, but as daddy say's we know that you don't always want to see us sad, but baby how do I be happy without you? Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas, all these wonderful holiday's approaching that we had plans for.....These are sad times for mommy...... I know it's the plans and expectations I grieve.

Son you are and always will be with mommy and daddy, you were and are our everything, you took a bit of my heart and soul with you when you left my sweet boy..
Loving you today, and always
Mommy
Posted by at No comments:
Subscribe to: Posts (Atom)
PhotobucketPhotobucket Photobucket
Photobucket Photobucket

Rest in Peace Mommy

PhotobucketPhotobucket