What If....

The howling wind bringing her haunted memories,

Encasing me in wonder,

Paralyzing my mind,

Terrorizing me with what ifs,

 

What if.....

What if.....

What if.....

What if I hadn't smoked...

What if I didn't have clotting factors...

What if I had eaten better, or exercised...

But, the most tremendously haunted what if of all...

What if I had gone to the ER when he woke me up kicking....

Would he had lived?!?!

The end of the road.

The day is Saturday, April 9,2016. Sitting by a fire roasting hotdogs, my husband and I embarked on a very deep, personal, painful conversation. This conversation is something we both had been having in our own minds, but speaking for myself 

I found it tough to voice out loud for the finality of it was deafening.  Finally after being lost in my thoughts as they're screaming to be let out, I tell my husband that I feel that our time to be parents has come to a painful end.  That I am only getting older, my eggs are surely dying, and God has likely forgot about us.  And crazily,  his mind has been in the same place, that this is NEVER going to happen.  The only children we will ever have are dead. 
We talked like we haven't talked in a while about a subject we both had high hopes for.  I never knew what was more painful, seeing the negative tests followed by my period,  or seeing the heartache as dreams shattered in my husbands eyes.  The hardest part now, will be actually letting go of the routine cycle checking, and excitement when ovulation was near. How do you forget the signs your body gives?!
We talked about many things, one of which is our current situation,  the oilfield, layoffs, financial hardships, and the cost of raising kids, IVF, IUI, and yes, even adoption.. there is no light at the end of the tunnel showing hope.  There is no promise of these financial woes ever ending. So, how stupid must I be to even consider having children.  How stupid to live in a fairy tale that we will actually see a happy ending with children in it. Now,  we start over in a sense, as the last 10 years has been focusing on starting a family.  There are lots of things for a married couple without kids to be happy about right?? I mean, we don't have to share each other, we don't have to worry about sitters  (except for furbabies). We get to spend the rest of our lives alone and loving each other deeply, whats better than that right?? 

So, with that said, our journey to be parents is over, indefinitely at this point, as we truly have NO clue to what the future really holds.

Do you ever just want to run and hide? Curl up under a rock and forget life surrounding you even exists? Do you ever just want to hit that "go back to a certain date?" Well A and I find ourselves there once more. Only this time, we're not going through the death of one of our children, but something damn near as bad.

I never once imagined that we would be facing this day, I mean, we were preparing to do our IUI finally, and the rug was violently ripped from under us in a flash, I mean, quicker than the snap of a finger. Not only did I lose my once best friend (a choice not made lightly,)  I can't lie however, I miss her kids like no bodies business, but, it is what it is, I pray for them all, even her.... Anyway, not only did I end that friendship, my husband lost his job, and I turned 37. So far, 37, is turning out to be equivocally as bad as the end of 29 and all of 30. Now, my husband being the provider, and hard worker that he is, has since found a job, which I consider more temporary than anything, it's a paycheck, and we're thankful to God for that opportunity, as everything else seems quite bleak.

 According to the United States Government, we make too much for food stamps, but not enough for a mortgage modification. It makes no sense to me, why mortgage lenders, can't be like student loans etc. The ones that give a forbearance, or at the very least allow you to make any sort of payment arrangements.  I understand that banks have to make money, however, they lose more money on foreclosures than they make, and in turn, they make families homeless. It breaks my heart, that they're not willing to work with families, it's not like we're going to stiff them, we just need a little help to get on feet. Mind you, I feel this should happen for anyone, in any career that faces unemployment. I feel if the banks, and government would work with the American people we wouldn't have such a high homeless rate.

I just don't understand, I don't understand how the oilfield just freezes hiring.  A commodity. A need. A field that I was so naive to believe this couldn't happen again. I vaguely remember my parents going through the crash of the 80s but I don't remember losing everything. I don't know why I always thought there would be a NEED for my husbands field, for his talent, his skill, knowledge, intellect, etc. his dedication, and loyalty far exceeding most people.  I guess I'm more naive than I thought. I guess I thought since there would always be a need for oil, A would have job security. Boy, was I ever wrong. Sure, if the open up hiring again, SEVERAL people want him, they just can't hire him.  The interviews always seem so promising....To see the heartbreak, and look of defeat in his eyes every time he looks at me is gut wrenching.

Today we received the letter we knew was coming, but, it still sealed the fate of my family, and my hands are tied. I don't know what else we can do. I know that if we can't afford a $1200 mortgage how the hell are we expected to afford just as high in rent. And, who would rent to us with so many animals, (and before anyone starts in on how "expensive" having this many are, have you totaled up just 1 child? They are our four legged kids, and NO I have not "replaced" or "filled a void" with our animals, many started as rescues that I didn't have the heart to throw back out after nursing back. Then we fell into a small rut after my grandfathers funeral, and couldn't get them fixed before they started reproducing. And, well, I'm  huge softie and couldn't throw the babies out. So there you have it as to why we have so many.  And if anyone knows me, they know that we're facing one of the hardest things, next to losing Tristan, and I don't like this feeling. The feeling that I can't breath, that I could throw up any second, just the idea of them going to  anyone else just kills me. God says he won't give us more than we can handle, but, man after 9 years of one thing after another, I'm at my breaking point.

I don't fear what this will do to A and I as a whole, what I fear the most, is what it is presently doing to us individually. I work days, he works nights, so we rarely see each other, but luckily we do have Mondays and Tuesdays together. I never imagined the day we got our key, that 5 years later, we would be facing foreclosure. I just wish there was help, or assistance out there for people in A and I's shoes. I just wish they would take small installments. I wish for a lot, but I pray we make it through this. I never imagined a day would come, that we wouldn't be able to afford our home, or a home in a safe area. But, God provides, and we are his children. I know that He will pull us out of this, I just wish I knew when, I wish I knew the fate of my babies, because I honest to God, can't stomach the idea of rehoming them, especially since I've had them all pretty much since birth. My oldest is 11, 10 9, etc.... How do you just dump your baby into a home, with strangers when they've been with you their entire lives?!?!?!?!?

I don't know what our future holds, I don't know when I'll feel like writing again, I just had to get this out, mostly written through tears of course. I just can't believe we're here that this is really happening to us. I don't understand why it seems we can't catch a break......But, I continue to pray, and to trust that God has better plans, (although I don't know how having to lose my babies could be part of a better plan. ) :( :( 

I close this

It's been a while.....

https://youtu.be/araU0fZj6oQ



   So much has happened since last writing, I don't even know where to begin. We all know after my mother died, life got a little out of control, my brothers addiction swallowed him whole and he skipped out to another state, leaving, abandoning every thing he owned, including my mothers truck, (which still sits idly in my yard).. I have no idea where he is, or if he's ok. Nothing changed between my father and I, he still turned my grandmother against me with his and his wifes lies, but that's there burden to live with, and I kinda hope their lies against me torture their every breath, I hope they see me in their dreams and are tormented with the lies, and hurt they've caused. I hope he gets everything that is deservedly coming to him. I have come to despise the man, so much so, that I rarely even think of him, I don't ever remember him truly loving me, as I was always a "liability" and a product of the woman he hated. My birth mother. He only took me away from them (my REAL family) to punish and hurt them, he never wanted me, he actually wanted my mother to abort me, that alone, says it all..... But his family still sticks behind him, believing him, because you know, I'm just a trouble maker..... Anyway enough of him, the subject makes me literally ill to my stomach. I just hold on to God, hoping and praying he protects those little girls from the man that abused me for YEARS.... My grandmother passed away disliking me, and not wanting to see me because of the awful lies he filled her head with. She and I used to be soo close til my dads wife came into the picture. But, evil comes in destructing everyone, and everything in its path, and that is exactly what she did. She got his kids removed from the picture... Anyway, evil can stay with evil as I officially and unequivocally wash my hands of them. I don't know how I will feel when the man dies, all I do know, is that IF and when we have kids, he will never know them, IF anything were to happen to me before he dies, he is NOT allowed at my funeral, or to know anything about me. That is the official point I am with the man who is nothing more than a sperm donor, controller, mental, verbal, psychological, and sexual abuser. I no longer hate him, I actually don't have many feelings left for him..

   April 2015, my paw paw asked me to come to his birthday party, he turned 87 this year, and being his birthday buddy, it was the best thing  for me to be able to spend our birthdays together, even though his mental capacity is slowly leaving us, he was happy, content, and had his family around him, and for him, there is NOTHING more important than his family. He is the most amazing man, and should have been the man that raised me, (since both my parents were useless) He is my hero, he is the man I always looked up to, and I miss his fatherly/grandfatherly advice. He has an official diagnosis of Alzheimer disease.  We know it's genetic, as I believe his brothers and possibly his father passed from this disease. I know that all of us in the family are in line for this horrible disease, but the most heartbreaking, is watching a man that doesn't deserve this awful disease being consumed by it. I love my paw paw more than anything in the world, and I know it's going to be one of my hardest losses when the day comes. He's progressing so quickly. Refusing showers, food, it's scary hearing about it, and not being able to be there to help my aunt. Who let me say is the most amazing woman I've ever known. She has a hardened exterior, but the love she has for all of us shines through (just don't tell her you want a pop :-P)  She is an amazing selfless person, she quit her job to come home and take care of her father, which her older sister can't even put the bottle down long enough to help, or spend a sober day with her father. It makes me sick.
Well, after his party, and my weekend there, I come home to find that my ex best friend totally neglected my animals after promising to take care of them for me. They were not fed or watered the entire time I was gone. She lied saying my dog snapped at her, and IF my dog did snap at her, that tells me she hit her, or tried to hit her (which she better hope to hell I never find out she did, because hell hath no fury like a furbaby momma). I should have known, I should have followed my instinct, deep down I knew she had changed, become the most selfish person I had ever met. She changed when she met her now husband, became this person that thought her shit don't stink, and that she's better than everyone around her. So, I ended a 10 year friendship with a narcissist, was the BEST decision of my life, as God moved in another woman, that has become the best I could ever wish for, she is my girl soul mate! I have 2 now, never thought that was possible. my childhood best friend has and will remain my soul mate, as we're sisters, not just friends... It amazes me that life, time, moving, and so much more happening never changed the way we are. After almost 10 years of not talking or knowing where the other was, myspace helped us reconnect, and omg we picked up right where we left off. I love you Nikki!!!!!!

  May 2015  my husband gets laid off, it hurt, it sucked the air out of me when I got home and seen him standing there, and there was no work truck, I knew.... He was adamant that he would have a job within the week, and normally he would have, but we were unprepared for the hiring freeze that simultaneously was taking place in the oilfield. Little did we know that behind the scenes the oilfield was tanking.  Lay offs were happening by the hundreds/thousands. Little did we know this was only the beginning..

  June 2015 my husband is still looking for work, bill collectors are calling, banks are calling, and we can't pay them.. its the beginning of the end it seems. All the rumors going around that the oilfield may not see light til 2017 wow, what the hell is going on here?? Savings are pretty much depleted at this time.....We're denied unemployment.......

   July 2015 my husband has found work, it's very low paying, at $8.00 an hour, how are we ever going to survive... Oh well, it's a check, we try and modify our mortgage to be told, "I'm sorry, you just don't bring in enough..Well last month Aaron tried filing for food stamps, they never sent the package we were supposed to fill out, Aaron is calling almost every day and keeps getting the "we will have your case worker call you, in the mean time get in your portal" well that would've been great had the site been working. FINALLY a case worker called, only to tell us we make too much money now.. But over a month with no job, and no food didn't count for anything....... But we survived it....

  August 2015, Aaron is still going on interview after interview, all empty promises, all smoke screens. My favorite interview he went on, was them trying to get 'free work' out of my husband.. It truly is sickening..... Now, embarrassingly, we had to dip into our IUI donation money, heartbreaking to say the least, but more so embarrassing.  There seems to be no light at the end of the tunnel.  We're now in active foreclosure.... we're losing it all, and there's no help, no bank, or bill collector wants to work with you.....

  September 2015 life just seems to be getting harder... But wait, there's light, Aaron now is looking at 2 jobs.... 1 that he would really love, 1 that he would be doing exactly what he loved doing. They actually hunted him down... Only to find out later that they can't hire him at this time. Ugh, seriously, how many more roadblocks are we gonna have to hit head on....
The other job he did take, they did hire him, but he works 7 days a week 12 hours a day, for an hourly wage.. Praying this is the answer to help us save our home, I pray it's enough to modify our mortgage....

Now we're in the beginning of October, and I am seeing first hand how badly the oilfield crash here is affecting all businesses.. What is normally extremely busy days in the grocery store, especially football days, we're beyond slow.. I now worry about other industries starting to lay off people.. I just pray that it doesn't come to it.. I stay in prayer, I stay in faith, but as a human, I do falter, I do wonder and I do question things. I know that's not always the right answer, but it's hard to not question what's to come. We have our whole life wrapped up in our home, we have fought and worked so hard to keep our home rooted... We have over 40 animals that we love with all of our hearts and souls, that we just can't see uprooted from the only home, and humans they've ever known. I kind of feel like we're being forced to get rid of our "4-legged kids" they may just be "animals" to some, but to Aaron and I, they're our family, they're our kids, our babies. They're cared for (very well mind you), clean, healthy, and very very loved, and they know it. They're so comfortable (including the outside 'ferals') that when they sleep, they sleep so soundly. They love to cuddle, they love to drive us crazy, be under foot, and raise hell, but they keep our home a home, they keep laughter alive (although we do a pretty good job of that together), they keep us on our toes for certain. I've been asked several times, how do I remember all their names, it's pretty easy actually. They each have their own personality. We lost one, and that was beyond heartbreaking, because due to the layoffs, we couldn't afford bloodwork, but she was being treated for urinary infections. I asked my vet if it could stem from being neglected and going without food and water for 3 days. She said the stress from that very well could have caused the urinary infection, which in turn caused her to quit eating.  I have a hard time not placing blame on my ex best friend for the death of Hermoine, but that is a burden that she has to carry, but she likely don't care, because it doesn't affect her personally. I know that I can't fully blame her without actual proof that the neglect killed her, but that won't happen. And I won't give that person the satisfaction of knowing that once more her actions hurt others... She don't care, never has.... Hermoine died in my arms.. I delivered her the day she was born, and I held her the day she left this world. I still tear up thinking about my precious little Hermoine and the suffering she went through that last day as her organs shut down.... But I digress, she's with Tristan, Xavier and February now... I hold on to that.

Speaking of my babies, how can I part with them? Why should we have to?? My oldest is 11, 10, 9, and on down..... It's not fair to them or us.  And I know most of everyone is just like "its just an animal, you have to take care of you first" but then I ask, if you were in the situation we are in, would you get rid of your 2 legged human kids??? No? Oh, but we're expected to get rid of our 4 legged kids..... If we lose our home, I don't know what we're going to do. I am scared, Aaron is scared, stress is an understatement, but God is strong and God is awesome, and God continues to carry us through this mess. I know that somewhere at the end of the tunnel there has to be a light, we just can't see it... I also want everyone to know, that even though we had to use the monies donated for an IUI to survive this layoff and no work we will replace that money, and we will eventually be able to go for IUI, I pray.....

Well, that's a pretty good synopsis of our lives at the moment.. If you have any prayers to spare, please pray for us, and every other family that is enduring this hellish journey as well, because there are thousands here in Louisiana alone....

#oilfieldwork #oilfieldwife #oilfieldlayoffs #oilpricestoolow #prayforoilfield #prayforwork
#foreclosure #homelessness #hunger #fear #ourbabies

2015

January 2015
    I don't write much anymore, I really don't know why either, as so much has happened. Lets see, in January we started out pretty good, life was coming together quite nicely. We were getting caught up on our bills, etc.. Aaron was working over seas, and the loneliness sucked, but it was nice to get caught up, and was such a blessing from God. I released balloons by myself this year, Aaron was in Trinidad. It was tough, I really hated it, but couldn't let the day go without releasing his to our precious Tristan. Still isn't a day go by that I don't speak about him, or miss him. God I do, I miss and love him so much. He would be 7, can you picture it, a 7 year old, in 2nd grade. I just have such a hard time sometimes placing him as a 7 year old, or all I ever see when I close my eyes, is that tiny little newborn sleeping eternally in my arms. I still feel the weight of him, the scent of him is still fresh in my nose. And the feel of the cooling skin under my lips as I kissed his forehead, his cheeks, his nose, his lips.. As I nestled him close to me. While I now smile at these memories, I ache with a deepened sadness that I never got to see him grow, I never got to see his smile, hear his laugh, change his diapers, play with his toys with him, teach him all about Christ, his numbers, letters, to tie his shoes, read a book,etc. I wanted so bad to be able to experience all of that, but God had different plans. Most days anymore I feel that we will never get to know what its like to raise your child.  I never imagined the day I would just know, deep down know that my chances of getting pregnant again, or raise a child will likely never happen, and that breaks my heart, but, we have to have faith and know that whatever happens, God is in control. But, knowing we have 3 children up there in heaven, makes me strive to be a better person, a God loving christian. I'm not perfect, I cuss, I smoke, I gossip (who don't), I am not perfect by any means, but I pray daily God have mercy on me.

February 2015
  Not much went on that I can remember, Aaron was working a LOT, and while it sucked being away from him, it was nice being able to pay our bills on time and in full.

March 2015
  Aaron is still working a lot, which financially we were grateful. My ex best friend got married. Aaron and I celebrated our 9th wedding anniversary.

April 2015
  April was quite eventful to say the least. My Granny M. passed away, I wasn't allowed to see her the last 2 years, and I have no idea how, or what she died of.  I do know that she was in a nursing home. I do know that I was told I could attend the funeral only, no visitation, nothing, but the funeral. Well, my Paw Paw H had asked me to come to his 87th birthday party, and while I was torn, because financially, and work I couldn't exactly swing both, I decided to go where I was wanted and welcomed. I celebrated my paw paws 87th birthday, April 18, then drove home on my birthday April 20th, to find my animals had been neglected the 3 days I was gone. My husband was on a job, and couldn't exactly be home. So I foolishly trusted the person who called herself my best friend for the last 10 years. My house wasn't in the best condition as we'd been forced to only be able to scoop boxes vs dump them. I gave her feeding instructions, etc. When I arrived home, their water bowls were all empty, bone dry, collecting dust. Their food dishes were all empty, and the table/floor, where they always make a mess was clean empty. The soft food hadn't been touched. But she swore she had come over here. The neighbor had dropped a bag of  cat food  at our gate, and she left it there, and told me it wasn't her responsibility to bring it in the house. I thought she truly was a friend, but I found out just how selfish she really was. I had seen several times over the last couple years, (since she met the guy she's now married to) how very selfish, and above everyone she acted. How she started ignoring calls, texts, messages, etc.. But got pissed if asked if you'd done anything. Always used the pathetic excuse of "been busy". So, I ended that friendship completely, Ive blocked her from every form of communication, I pray!!

May 2015
  This month kinda really sucked as Aaron lost his job. Sadly a lot of people have lost their jobs down here in the oilfield. Of course with any job loss, comes the loss of being able to pay bills, so that kinda put a crimp in our "starting to get ahead plan" and knocked us back down to square 1. We have our faith that this will be short lived, and he will find decent paying employment again.

June 2015
  My poor baby is still out of work, the struggle is starting to take its toll, bill collectors are calling, we're working on my income alone, which sucks at $8 an hour for 30-32 hours a week.. Still our faith remains strong. Mid month Aaron found a job. It's not much, but its a paycheck coming in. And it helps immensely. Still our faith remains strong.

July 2015
 More of the same as last month, sinking further and further into regular bill debt. But still we remain strong.

Present day, I have been blessed with a new best friend, who is I swear cut from the same cloth as I am. I have 2 of those in my life now, one is far in distance, and one is close, but they're 2 of the most treasured people of my life.  My husband and I still struggle financially, we still pray something will open up out there. Our country is going to hell, and just doesn't seem to be looking up, but still our Faith in Jesus still remain..

Until we meet again...

I'm tired...

 The 31st marks 9 years that we'll be married. In April, we started our journey to become parents. God has yes had blessed us with 3 angels that we'll get to see, hold and play with one day.
 But today, was just another reminder that at this point our answer just really maybe is a no.  And as hard as it is, I am okay if it is. But the not knowing, and understanding is heart crushing. Month after month, year after year. It has been 7 years since I have felt life inside of me.. it just sucks,and I am getting so tired.  I just want this journey to go somewhere, either no, or yes, but something. I can't determine how much longer that I can hang on to this dream, I'm getting to the point that I'm ready to move on from this dream. Every one I know and have met along the way has pretty much finished having babie and their families are complete. But, really what do I expect?
   It's been 9 years.  I'm not super sad anymore, more used to it and numb now. There are no more tears, just acceptance, that maybe I'm not meant to be a mother. And yet, drug addicts, baby rapers, mothers who murder, father's who murder, parents who abandon their kids, reproduce like rabbits, but I digress....But, whatever God's plan is, I am okay with it, I will be okay.
  I hurt for my husband more than anything, because this man is such a wonderful man, he deserves so much to have a mini him running next to him!!! 
  I am also, so very tired of hearing people tell me one day. Or your day is coming.  for 6 years I've held onto that,  and now, I'm not so sure anymore.Don't get me wrong my faith is strong, but with faith comes acceptance. 

 So, as we embark on this 9th year both in marriage, and trying to conceive, we pray that God's will is for us to finally start our family, but regardless, I'm ready to see what lies ahead, and am excited to see what God does have in store for us.

What did I do wrong?

Broken and shattered I am no more, sad and torn I continue to be. Wondering what I did wrong, wondering why we've been forgotten. In the sea of hurt still left lingering on hope and faith. Slowly dwindling away is my faith and my hope, dreams shattered and left on wondering hearts.

A life chasing a love that never was finally found in 2001. A man who loves unconditionally, doesn't abuse, doesn't hurt, and doesn't deny me as his own. I married this man who loved me so, in 2006 I became whole, I became a survivor of a lifetime of abuse, judgement and pain, this man rescued me and loved me for me. What did I do to deserve such a blessing, only to leave him with years of loss and infertility. I am not  broken per say, but given a body that is. What did I do wrong?

I believe in my heart God has a better plan, everyone says it will happen, yet still doesn't. 8 years now we've been on a roller coaster, winding up and down flipping through the days, wondering what did I do wrong? I believe in my heart that God has a better plan, but still I sit here in wonder, did I do something wrong? I live by faith, by hope and love for that is all that I have. I cry for my husband for he deserves more than this pain. Again I scream to the heavens, GOD WHAT DID I DO WRONG?

Lord, I see daily those that abuse, that live off and expect others to take care of their kids, that murder, and cry insanity, yet I sit here with a heart full of love to give to a child that I may never have, again I cry what did I do so wrong?

A lifetime of hurt, I ask you God when does it end? What did I do to deserve nothing but heartache and pain? My entire life has been riddled with angst, and yet here I am still forgiving those, still holding on, knowing that my day may never come, all I have ever dreamt of was being a mommy, giving the love that fills my heart to a child so they never feel the childhood I did. God what did I do wrong?

Time is running short Lord, my age is getting up there, my hope is wearing thin, tired of running on auto-pilot. Tired of saying I'm fine when I'm not, tired of pain month after month, tired of seeing heartache on my beautiful husbands face. Failing him time and time again, wondering what did I do wrong?

Haunting Words

Do you have a gift that sometimes is so haunting you wish you didn't have? I know our God doesn't make mistakes when he hands out these gifts, sometimes I  just wish mine wasn't so strong.

 Intuition, gut feeling, whatever you wish to call it, sometimes I wish mine was wrong more than right. There is one time in particular that is truly haunting me right now as we near closer to our 8 year trying to conceive anniversary. A conversation I had with a dear friend, I'll call her M. She and I were the last 2 to yet get pregnant out of our wonderful group of 35. I told her matter of factly not to worry, she would get her rainbow before me, that I would be the last one still trying. Boy, that's one time I'm sorry M, I wish I had been wrong. While everyone in that group of 35 has gone on to have their 2nd or 3rd "Rainbow", I'm still waiting on 1 living. It's been 8 years, 8 very long years, with a history of loss and infertility. I don't talk about it much anymore, because what's the point? I know I burnt everyone out, I had to of. I got pretty obsessed with ttc for the longest time. I know that God has his reasons, and his plans. And no matter what those plans hold for us, we're ok, and we will still love God with all our hearts.
 But yes, those words haunt me. Another example of this sometimes haunting gift is when I was 30 weeks and in the hospital with a stomach bug, I was placed in the L&D ward as there were no other beds available, I was walking around my room and walked up to the table they put the baby on to clean them/ and read the apgar scores. When I seen the score card, my fingers ran across it as I closed my eyes and whispered my son will have 0 apgars. Not understanding that at the time I immediately rebuked Satan. But that was a gift God gave me I think to allow me to have and enjoy the last most precious 3 weeks of hiccups, kicks, rolls, etc.. But it was haunting nonetheless. There have been many others.
 One thing that is not haunting about it, is when I have a feeling about someone, something, my gut is 99% right 99% of the time.