Our story...Our survival..

Christmas is near

2011-12-23T06:40:00.003-06:00

Merry Christmas everyone!!! It's been so long since I have written anything. A quick little update, I am back amongst people!! I have been working since August, granted 3 different jobs, but hey finally found the one I will probably be with for the rest of my working life!!! Never found a job I cared about that much!! Helps that its a christian atmosphere!!!

This is our 3rd official christmas without Tristan and sexond without momma, it's proving to be an emotional rollercoaster for sure. But I pick myself up daiky and move forward! Working sure helps.

Rrcently another mom lost her baby that shook the nation, both supporters and negative nancies. Jimbob and Michelle Duggar lost their 21st child, at only 19 weeks they found out there was no heartbeat. Michelle being the wonderfully graceful christian,lady she is has publicly held it together. She is much stringer than I could have ever imagined being. She's moving forward with such poise and grace. They shared the most touch beautiful photos of little Jubilees hand and feet, and some of the negative comments made me see red. But I continue to oray for them as I know she must have breakdowns at home from time to time.
that is all for now as I have to get ready for work. I will continue to write as I find it very relieving!!!

MERRY CHRISTMAS AND HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!!

My New and FabYOUlous business

2011-09-13T17:11:00.005-05:00

I am so excited to announce that I've joined one of the biggest upcoming and wonderful businesses.. I am now a Creative Partner with Initials-Inc.. It's a wonderful opportunity with wonderful products as well.. The business is going to be featured in Women's Day Magazine!! That is so exciting.

I am so excited, and love the idea of meeting new and fun people, having parties and interactions with more adults (or should I say humans hee hee)

So to all my readers, no need to be local, if you're interested in hosting a party, let me know and I will mail you some catalogs.. And if you're interested in joining this wonderful company and being in business for yourself but NOT by yourself, I can help you join, the great thing about joining now, is the price of the starter kit is $40 dollars cheaper!!!!! This Friday Sept. 16, 2011 the price of the starter kit will be only $100.00!!!!! And the hostess rewards are so awesome!! So what are you waiting for? Call me, text me, message me, or facebook me, leave me a comment here, and lets talk Initials-Inc!!! And as always personalization is FREE!!!!!

3 years 4 months....40 months...14,600 days too long!

2011-07-14T19:40:00.005-05:00

That we have been trying to have a baby since losing Tristan.. It feels like an eternity. I am so tired.. Tired of caring, tired of trying, tired of wanting.. But I can't shut the desire to be a mommy off, the more I try, the louder it gets.. .WTF is wrong with me? Ugh, actually kinda irritating honestly.

When do you know it's time to quit? How does a born to be a mommy type of girl, just let go of her dreams? Ever since I was a kid I wanted to be a mommy when I grew up.. How is it I can get pregnant 3 times naturally, but now, I can't for the life of me..

I am so tired of hearing, "you know if you'd quit trying, it would happen" well shit, why didn't I ever think of that? I hear that all the freaking time people!! NEWS FLASH btdt (been there done that). Didn't happen.. "Have you thought about adopting" another one that I hear constantly. While I don't have any negative to say about adoption, we are not there yet.

I am mad at myself for letting it hurt me still.. I have to let it go, let go of the pain, let go of the desire, then, maybe just maybe if I can fully accept that it may never happen, it won't hurt so freaking bad. Every month I feel those signature cramps, or that killer headache it won't suck the air right out of my lungs, and put that huge knot in my throat that I have to fight away, so that people won't see, don't know.. I don't want sympathy, I want a child,a LIVING child.

After watching all the reports and what not on Casey Anthony, and them releasing jail letters she wrote saying that she wanted to either adopt or get pregnant again, makes my heart sink to the bottom of my stomach, knowing how trash like that always seems to get their way through everything, and get their babies never having to struggle infertility.. She's bound to get what she wants, don't all the crack heads and the like?

I don't know how much longer I can last on this journey, maybe God's will isn't my hearts desire.....

Why I write..

2011-07-12T18:27:00.002-05:00

I am so humbled right now.. I have not logged into my babycenter.com account in over a month, and so you can about imagine the messages in my inbox, over 1000.. Not very often do I get a note that makes me smile, cry and feel so blessed for my son, and journey.. Today I got one of those notes. I can't describe in words what I am feeling right now.. Every since we lost Tristan, I always said that if he helped just one person, one mother, one anyone through this same journey than I realize what God's plan was for him, and me.. To teach me so much, to meet so many people, and to become a different person than I ever imagined.. I never thought by my sharing my journey through pregnancy loss, infertility, and hurt that I could help anyone, but today, I got thanked for unknowingly helping someone. That warms my heart to know that my son helped me to help another mother through her own journey of loss and pain.

If the owner of that letter is reading this today, thank you for helping me also!!

A real unjustice for a sweet angel..

2011-07-05T17:24:00.006-05:00

I don't even know how to begin to settle my thoughts and opinions down on the most shocking verdict in a homicide of a precious 2 year old baby girl 3 years ago.. I can not seriously believe my ears.. My heart is aching for the unjustice for this precious baby girl.

In June of 2008 we learned that a precious baby girl was missing,and her mother, Casey Anthony waited THIRTY-ONE days before saying anything, and if her mother, Cindy Anthony had not pressured her to see Caylee, Casey would have never said anything, she would have went on, with her life so easy for her.. Now, as a mother of loss, I can attest that losing your child is anything but easy. And this woman, allowed her daughter to be 'missing' for 31 days, while she was clubbin', entering hot body contests, and getting a tattoo. "Bella Vita" which means beautiful life..But yet her sweet baby girl is missing.. What the hell is so beautiful about that? The internet records showing "someone" (yet the time stamps were when Casey was the only one home) had done searches for chloroform.. And the duct tape being a rare duct tape, that George Anthony had in the garage, the gas can, the fact that she was wrapped up like the Anthony's wrapped their pets when they passed. and tossed in the freaking swamps.. How the hell is that honestly not enough evidence?? Then you throw in the verbal evidence of smell from human decomposition in her trunk. I don't understand what's so wrong with what the prosecution presented?!

And the verdict came in
Count 1. first-degree murder---Not Guilty
Count 2. aggravated child abuse---Not Guilty
Count 3. aggravated manslaughter of a child---Not Guilty
Count 4, 5, 6 and 7 providing false information to a law enforcement officer---Guilty

I personally think that her parents know she killed their granddaughter, a mother knows.. I don't care about what, a mother knows her child, and knows without a shadow of a doubt what her daughter did. I loved George Anthony's statement he made to the public..

CASEY ANTHONY'S FAMILY

[Updated at 5:08 p.m.] Attorney Mark Lippman issued a statement on behalf of Lee, George and Cindy Anthony:

While the family may never know what has happened to Caylee Marie Anthony, they now have closure for this chapter of their life. They will now begin the long process of rebuilding their lives.

Despite the baseless defense chosen by Casey Anthony, the family believes that the Jury made a fair decision based on the evidence presented, the testimony presented, the scientific information presented and the rules that were given to them by the Honorable Judge Perry to guide them.

The family hopes that they will be given the time by the media to reflect on this verdict and decide the best way to move forward privately.

The family also wanted the public to know that if anyone wanted to honor Caylee by leaving stuffed animals or other toys at any area near their home, that they would prefer those items be donated in Caylee’ s name to families in need, religious centers, or any other entity where the toys would be appreciated.

I am truly saddened by this, it brings up a lot of emotions for me, 6 months after my much loved and wanted baby boy died because my body failed him, and this woman kills her baby and gets away with it?!?!? I hope and I pray that she does not get one moment of rest, that she lives forever restless, with haunting memories of killing her daughter. As my aunt would say, Casey Anthony, I would not want to be in your socks and shoes when you come face to face with God.. While you might not have been found guilty in front of a jury of your peers, and our lousy judicial system, God has already picked the perfect spot in hell for you..

Rest in Peace baby girl, I hurt wondering if you knew what was happening to you, I shudder at the thought that of you suffocating to death in the trunk of your mommy's car while she was in a club having the time of her life.. You're well and whole, and I hope that you're at peace sweet Caylee.. I am in tears watching this unfold, your sweet photo's all over the news, you were a beautiful baby girl, that was taken way to soon, in such a cruel cruel way sweet baby!!! Your mommy should have protected you not hurt you!! You're in such a better place now baby girl!

Every body that has their children with them, and has the ability to hug and love on them, do it for Caylee tonight, do it for that sweet baby girl.. Love your babies just a little bit more!!

Update

2011-07-03T15:28:00.002-05:00

I have been horrible!! I forgot to share my bloodwork update.. I'm still taking the metformin, BUT my insulin is down to normal!!! Yay!! We are considering starting clomid in the early fall, but still undecided.. Will keep you posted.

What is this?

2011-06-29T21:20:00.003-05:00

What is this feeling I feel? Is this happiness? True, unguarded happiness? I seriously for the first time in 3 years do not feel like I'm faking this.. LOl, maybe I got so good at putting on that happy mask, that it finally sunk in. hee hee, I kid... :) I feel guilty though at times that I'm not still grieving. To be totally honest, this feeling of happiness, and peacefulness has gotten stronger since cutting my dad out of my life. Plus working, let me tell you how good that feels.. I'm finally getting out of the house, away from the constant thoughts, it's so what's the word so liberating.. Sure, I miss staying home, my animals miss me for sure, but for me, I think this is truly where my momma was trying to get me to before she died.. She didn't stop from the day Tristan died, she didn't stop trying to help me out of that dark dark place I was. But knowing she has him, and she's taking care of him, that is the most comforting thought. Being out in the public again, is doing more for me than just boosting my spirit, I'm losing this weight.. (finally ;) I'm smiling all the time now, I'm wearing make up, and actually caring what I look like again.. I'm out of my pj's!! I seriously never thought I'd see the day where I could actually handle seeing, much less talking to a woman that's expecting.. Or talk so easily about my infertility, and the plan of action.. It no longer feels like I'm this dark plague that no one wants to approach.

I am also so ecstatic to be finding all my old friends again.. I've searched for and wondered where they all ended up, with each friend there's memories that just remind me of fun times and it's all so wonderful.. I had lots of fun back in high school.. Most of my friends have stayed in or around my home state. But some reach as far as Germany to California.. It's awesome seeing where and what every one's doing, and how or if they've changed. It's been 15 years since I've seen the most recent friends, and we were close.. It was wonderful talking to one of those friends today. We shared a fun history.. It just makes me have a big smile to find people that have impacted my life in one way or another, especially at times I felt like I impacted no one. But really I guess I did, cause my friends were searching for me to. :)

Nothing else is really new on the home front, A is working some very long and hard hours so we really rarely see each other, I do miss him.. We have our breakfast and then don't see each other til 7-10pm.. :( Have to love the oilfield.. He's been going out in the field more to the last few months.. Which is good for pay, but bad for the body!! lol.. We're not such young pups anymore..
But it's honest, and we gotta do it!!

I really do wish my mommy was here to see how happy I am.. I miss her so much.. I love you momma!! Give Tristan, Xavier and February my kisses!!

Changes

2011-06-20T22:22:00.003-05:00

So many changes have gone on the last few months. I don't even know where to begin..

I have been dealing with writers block, and I guess I'm so used to writing about all the sadness in my life, I've failed to share any happiness.. Maybe I feel guilty sometimes for being so happy, that I should be grieving still. Which don't get me wrong, I am still grieving, for my mom, and my sweet Tristan.. It's kinda hard to explain where I am right now, but I'm at peace and have a comfort and warmth in my heart that I haven't felt in a VERY VERY long time.

My mom, who was in fact my best friend, the one that I shared everything with is gone, so I find myself walking around talking to her.. For example, something happens and I'll be like, did you see that momma.. I have my aunt, which has been the best life savor for me. She is so so much like momma that it feels sometimes like I'm talking to momma again. I miss her so terribly much.. My grief is so much different for momma than for Tristan. I feel more of a peace with momma's loss.. I remember one day, I told my mom, you know we all expect to lose our parents, while it hurts like hell, we still expect it, but what we don't expect is to lose our children. When we lost momma, I feel like I lost both my mom and dad.. My momma was great at filling the role of both parents.. She was practically a single mom, even if she was married to my dad. He was never much of a dad, only when it was convenient for him. Or if it benefited him. He used to always say, there's assests and liabilities.. Can you guess which category my mom, brother and I fell into......Yep you nailed it, we were all liabilities. It's sad that he felt the need to divorce his children too when him and mom divorced a couple years ago.. But ya know, thinking about it, he needed to be there to divorce us right?!? lol.. Anyway, I did finally see him for what he was, and what I already knew but didn't want to believe. On my brother's and I birthday's, the ONLY reason he called either of us was to ask if he could have my mom's (his ex wife's) death certificate, so that he would no longer have to pay for my mom's student loan.. Before then I can't remember the last time he called, so there in a nut shell, he only accepted us when we had something he wanted.. Nice..

Anyway, since then, we had a huge blow up, his wife and I mainly, and now my grandparents won't even see me. WTF?? Oh well, as much as it hurts I have to say it's their loss. I'm praying like mad that God will lift the blinders that they have on, so that they can both see the truth and who their son really is.

Ok, enough of him, I've now cut him off, and he's not a part of my life any more and don't think he will ever be again.

I started working again!! SO happy about this. Loving every minute of it, even if it is only a few hours a day, it's so very worth it!! I've lost 10# since my first day of work.. It's nice, it gives me some time with humans having human conversations.. Instead of me trying to carry on conversations with dogs that just cock their head to the side, and look at me like I said the word treat..

I've also taken up couponing, and one day hope to be as good as those extreme couponer's.. I want a stock pile room and all. And we have the PERFECT spot for it.. See out of our 5 bedrooms, 2 are kinda like Jack and Jill bedrooms, where one is inside the other room.. Almost like maybe one was a sleeping quarter, the other a reading/study.. (Remember the house was built in 1936). Anyway the smaller room that is set in the back of the bigger room, is the perfect spot.. I also am dabbling in crochet, and cooking more. I love finding healthy, yummy recipe's..

We're still dealing with the infertility, but taking our time and just enjoying the summer and life right now..

I have some plans for the summer I'm excited that I'm finally after 5 years I'm going to get the pleasure of meeting some of the most amazing women. Women that have been in my life and my heart since the loss of our first baby. I've grown to love these women.. These women have been my strength when I most needed it and couldn't move from off the couch, and internet.. They have been my will power when I was lacking. They have been tough on me when I needed a good kick in the rear, and they've just loved me for me.. They really helped us out when we lost Tristan. From calling me the day after I had him, just to let me know that I was on their mind, to let me know they loved me and was thinking about Aaron and I. They also fed us for several months afterwards.. :) And the crazy part is, they live all over the world, from California, to Florida, from Massachusetts to Texas.. From Canada, to Georgia, women that I've never 'met', but have shared more with than I've shared with most anyone. Women that I finally get to meet!!! I'm so excited!!!

Our summer is trying to fill up fast, and I'm excited about that!!! It makes it more fun that way!!! Poor Aaron is so busy with work. He's putting in a LOT of long hours, which is another reason I'm glad to be back to working that way it's not so lonely without my baby at home.. ;)

Well I guess that I've said enough for now. I will try and keep up with writing, I forgot how good it feels to just let it out..

Alive

2011-04-10T12:15:00.003-05:00

I'm feeling so alive.. The birds are chirping, the flowers are in bloom, and I'm on vacation.. Not a 'real' ocean, tropical scene vacation, but a vacation nonetheless.. Sitting on my hotel bed right now waiting on a visit with my sister.. I'm excited, I feel alive.. A feeling I haven't felt in some time.. Things are so different now.. I miss my momma so much every day, I long to just pick up the phone and talk to her for hours like we used to..

There's so much I'd like to say about other family member's but don't think it's appropriate to do so.. All I know is I think it's pathetic to use ridiculous scare tactics to get what one wants..

We will be going to visit my momma's grave later this week, I'm really anxious too.. I bought some path lights that are so pretty, purple mosaic, she loved purple.. I think she will be smiling!!

Being back home in the city makes me realize just how much I've missed OKC.. I really do love the city, the memories, from high school, to meeting the man of my dreams!! Would I live here again, probably not as I've become a permanent transplant to Louisiana, and really love the culture and things down there..

But this feeling of being alive, is it healing finally from all the tragedies that's happened the last 4.5 years? Is it possible that I'm finding 'me' again? This is nice, I hope this feeling lasts..

I did notice though, as sad as it is, I find myself looking over my shoulder again being back here, for fear of running into someone that I really DON'T want to run into, I wonder will that ever leave? Will it fade into the world of non existance? I feel like by me watching over my shoulder is a way of letting the douche win, but is it that or my mere safety? That is the #1 reason I would never move back here.. Domestic violence happens more frequently than one knows about and that feeling I don't know if it ever leaves a lady after she's gone through it..

Anyway, today, and the rest of the week, I'm going to enjoy this feeling, of being fully alive, treasuring the gifts that God has blessed me with as I know this is exactly what my mommy would want!!!

I love and miss my children, and my mommy more than life, but it's not my time, and I think that is God's message to me today, with this feeling of being alive, and hearing the sounds, and seeing the beautiful world that He has created for us..

Til later......

Thinking.....I might be changing the name of our blog

2011-02-03T01:07:00.002-06:00

Time is moving on, and sometimes I Find myself sitting here letting it pass me by.. With that said, I think I'm going to think of a new name, for my blog.. As this is just not the place to come for sadness, and memory.. I've tried making other blogs, and I may still do that, linking this one to it, I think I will do that, and just start writing again...

Til then, good night my bloggers.. :)

Denise Arlene Smith Maddox.....AKA Mommy

2010-12-06T22:07:00.005-06:00

On Friday November 5th, I get a very heartbreaking phone call from my brother telling me that he thinks mom had a stroke and is in the hospital.. I quickly get dressed, Aaron gets home, and we rush to the hospital.. Sure enough, she's had a massive stroke, but they got her there in less than an hour so the TPA shot was given and hoped that it would work.

She was moved up to ICU that night, room 201, I went home that night, only because it was past 1 am and I needed a blanket etc. So I got a couple hours sleep, woke, showered, and rushed back up to the hospital, with my crochet, computer, bag of clothes, and a blanket.. She was able to recognize us at this point, she had been trying to talk but her speech was gone, it kept sounding like she was saying "I'm sorry" over and over.. We clearly heard sissy (that's what she called me) and bubba (my brother) I love you, and that was about it".. She was paralyzed fully on the right side..

Saturday she stayed in the ICU, where they monitored her vitals, and poor momma was getting so frustrated with us cause she couldn't communicate with us.. She had tried writing, and I still couldn't figure out what she was trying to tell me, Saturday was a good day..

Sunday, she was doing really good she had passed her swallow test, recognized us all, tried talking to my aunt, and we were all so proud cause she was fighting so hard to beat this.. She had been moved upstairs to the telemetry floor, 6th floor.. My cousin had made it in, and she and my brother decided that night to spend the night with her, and so I went home..

First thing Monday morning, I wake, shower, go get donuts, and momma a plant, she absolutely loved plants.. I got a card and signed EVERYONE'S name that loved her to that card. When I got to the hospital she was sleeping a LOT, and when she did wake, she looked at me like she didn't recognize me, like she was very dazed.. They had scheduled a procedure to check her heart to see if the clot that caused her stroke had come from her heart.. During this time, she's just seeming more and more distant to me, looks at me, but like she's looking right through me.. This Dr. came in and decided to talk about her finances, and gruffly told her that if she didn't have the insurance to cover rehab then it would have to come out of her pocket, and if she couldn't afford it, then she wouldn't receive the rehab. I could have killed that short dude with my bare hands, but the entire time walking to speak to him, I'm praying for God to give me the proper words to say.. Well the nurse finally comes to get her to take her for the procedure and I inform her of the condition she's in, very dazed, well she tells her dr. and he tried doing the procedure but momma was clenching her teeth.. The dr. didn't like the way she is looking so they send her for a MRI.. During the MRI they find out that the stroke (clot) has extended to her brain stem.. Not good, but not a death sentence either.. So they send her back to the ICU, because the brain stem is what controls your breathing. I didn't leave the hospital again.. She pulled out her IV on the way back to the ICU.. ( I think this was the first sign that she was giving up)..

Tuesday there's no real change, she's sqeezing our hand, rubbing our fingers, and really rubbing her face, and head, she'd rubbed her eyes so much that she had slight bruising under them.. I hated seeing my mommy like this and there was NOTHING I could do.. She was sweating profusely and they kept telling me, this is normal for cerebral (brain) patients.. At the 5 o'clock visit her blood pressure spiked dangerously high, 247/187 (going off memory here).. They told me this was possibly a fluke because she kept pushing off her pulse ox sensor.. She kept rubbing her head. She also pulled out her IV again, so they'd moved it to her left hand where she couldn't pull it out.. I kept asking if she was in pain, but they told me that she would have been wincing or something, and that she couldn't be administered pain meds because it was a stroke.. At the 9pm visit her bp was normal again, and she was still sweating so badly.. Her night nurse was such a sweet heart, and really cared for his patients.. He had asked us to get some shampoo and a brush for her, the poor thing had not had her hair brushed since Friday, and had a huge mat in the back of her hair.. Aaron brought some shampoo right up but had forgotten a brush, (not to worry I had one with my stuff..) Well we had went and grabbed a bite to eat, it was a little after 10, (they always let me stay longer than the 30 minute visits.. :) Well the nurse J, called me and asked me if I would mind coming to brush her hair, This was such a great honor to me, I was able to talk to her while brushing her hair, telling her how much I loved her, and how pretty she was, and I was sorry if I was pulling it, she would motion that it hurt a few times.. That time will always be so very very special to me.. I kissed her goodnight and told her I was in the waiting room and would see her shortly!

Wednesday is a day that I will never as long as I live forget..
I went to see her at 9, and she was sleeping, didn't open her eyes the entire time I was there, I felt uneasy about this, but the nurse assured me that she'd opened her eyes for her.. She still was squeezing my hands though, this was a little reassuring..

12 pm, she was still not opening her eyes, her blood pressure was spiking again, it was 206/147.. They gave her meds and told me by the time I got back for 5pm that it would be down.. She needed to be cleaned up so our visit was a little shorter than normal, so Amanda (my bff) and I went to Hobby Lobby to get the shirts that we were going to make her for rehab.. they were purple and said Git +R Done Sissy, and the other one was the same except it said mom.. Then I went to McAlaster's and got a salad, had went back up to the waiting room, but it was crowded, and I just wanted to 'breath' for a bit, so I sat in my car and ate lunch.. Around 4ish my brother called me and said that they had called him, that momma coded, and had to be intubated.. I rushed upstairs, (leaving everything in the car).. I stopped in the restroom first, and as soon as I stepped in the hall, I hear "CODE BLUE SICU, CODE BLUE SICU" Let me tell you that elevator couldn't move fast enough, I KNEW this was my mommy.. I get up there, and I can't hardly contain myself, I drop to my knees, there are other family member's out there thinking it's their family, I assured them, it wasn't, that this was my mom..

You remember the Dr. I mentioned earlier that had chosen to speak finances with my mom? Well it was him that had to come get me, and tell me that she had coded twice in 30 minutes, and they'd done cpr, and tubed her, and that she only was showing 10% brain activity.. It was all I could do to hold myself up, I think God was truly holding me at that time cause I just wanted to collapse.. So he said that they would clean her up and let me back..

Well not even 10 minutes go by, and he calls me back again, I'm thinking ok, I get to go see her now, no, he was telling me that she was very very critical, and that I needed to call whatever family to come because she was now had 0 brain activity, and was only being kept alive by meds making her heart beat and the machine breathing for her.. I couldn't grasp what I was hearing.. Again he said they needed to clean her up, that they had broken a few ribs during cpr, and that her pupils were already fixed and dilated, and it wouldn't be long I would be allowed back.. Thank God Amanda was there, and 2 ladies that were praying with me.. One of which that was already on her way to pray with mom.. My grandmother's pastor had called her.. She didn't know that it was MY mom she was going to pray with, til she asked me mom's name.. The rest is kinda a blur, but I remember calling everyone and letting them talk to her in her ear (they say that hearing is the last to go, I don't know)..

Justin finally got there, and we both told her it was "ok mom, you don't have to fight anymore, you can go home" (those were the hardest words I've ever spoken).. We had to make a decision to prolong her life on machines, or to let her go.. We made the decision to let her go be with Jesus.. She wouldn't have had any quality of life as a vegetable. Time had gotten away from me so I really don't know what times this all was happening.. They turned of the IV meds keeping her heart going, but had to keep the vent going until the dr. came to shut it off. I remember this time being so long, we talked to her, cried, laughed, and I remember crawling in bed with her and just holding her, and begging her to come back, but I knew this was impossible.. I was not prepared to say good-bye..

Well since they only had one dr. on call she was backed up in the ER, so she actually never made it to shut off the machines.. I remember watching her heartbeat on the screen, and it was staying steady in the 90's, then around midnight or right before it started dropping, 87, 86, 85, 86, 87, 75, 60 when it got to 60 I whispered in her ear, "Mommy, don't worry about us, we will be alright, I will take care of Justin" her heartbeat went immediately to 0..... I looked at the clock, and remember seeing 12:14 am although time of death wasn't called til 12:37 am, and we were then able to come back in and say our good byes with no tubes in her and all cleaned up..

My mommy is now with her daddy, her favorite aunties, and her grandbabies.. I know that she's happier than she's ever been in life.. But the selfish part of wants her back.. But I know that she's here, her love and guidance surrounds me and my brother, I know this.. She taught us the very true meaning of unconditional love, and loving Christ..

I thank you mommy for every life lesson that you've ever taught me, every prayer you've ever prayed, and for every tear you've ever cried in worry, and love for me.. I will strive to the day I am called home to be with you, to make you proud. To be the woman that you raised.. While you may have never carried a child in your womb, you would have NEVER known that by your love for us kids.. I love you with everything that I am momma, and I'm more like you than you ever knew.. Take care of my boys til I get there.. I can't wait til the day we're all joined again.. I love you..

Denise Arlene (Smith) Maddox
(May 8, 1961 - November 11, 2010)

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Denise Arlene (Smith) Maddox

Funeral services for Denise Arlene (Smith) Maddox will be 2:00pm Tuesday, November 16, 2010 in the Henninger-Hinson Funeral Home Chapel with Pastor Danny Marney officiating. Burial will follow in Waukomis Cemetery. Services are under the direction of Henninger-Hinson Funeral Home.

Denise was called home to her Lord and Savior Jesus Christ on November 11, 2010 in Rayne, LA. She was born May 8, 1961 to Jud and Georgia (Post) Smith in El Paso, TX, then moved to Waukomis as a young girl.

Denise was a beautiful gift from God, so full of life and love for her God and family. She will be so dearly missed by all who knew her.

She was preceded in death by her father, Jud Smith; grandson, Tristin Goodwin and nephew, Donny Letourneau.

Denise is survived by her son, Justin Maddox of Rayne, LA; daughter, Shannon (Maddox) Goodwin and husband, Aaron of St. Martinsville, LA; mother, Georgia Smith of Waukomis; two brothers, Val Smith and wife, Mary; Dean Smith and wife, Jeannie; three sisters, Joyce Letourneau and husband, Don; Karen Tiessen and husband, Chuck, all of Enid; Renee Fuksa and husband, Landis of Bison as well as numerous nieces, nephews, great nieces and great nephews.

Memorials can be made through the funeral home to Children’s Miracle Network.

Here's some photo's for everyone's enjoyment. .She was so loving, had such a great sense of humor, and LOVED life..

This is her and her best friend..

Her, her bff, and her bff's daughter

Her and my cousin for Mardi Gras

Mom..

Her last Christmas with us.. Christmas 2009

Test results

2010-10-21T14:08:00.002-05:00

Today I got the results of my blood work.. It seems as though my insulin is highly elevated. I am prediabetic, and will be going on metformin for at least a couple months, they will even keep me on it if/when I get pregnant, to ward off gestational diabetes.. They are also saying that more than likely I'm pcos, and haven't been ovulating on my own, hence why I never get a true positive on any opk's (ovulation predictor kits).. He said that if I don't get pregnant with the metforming in a couple months then they will start low dose fertility meds..

It's a lot to swallow, to know that my insulin is so elevated, and that I've not been truly ovulating on my own, they said my body is gearing up for it but just not truly doing it. That I can have lighter than normal periods (which I have) without ovulating, and that my cycles don't always have to be 40+ days, or that your ovaries don't always have to be full of cysts to be pcos, but I've got every other symptom, the facial hair, the weight gain around the mid section, the abdominal hair, the lack of true ovulation, the elevated insulin.. It's all really intimidating right now..

They told me that the metformin will probably also help me lose weight as it will cause nausea, vomiting, and diarrhea, but to keep taking it cause it will help me.. And that those feelings should subside in a few weeks or so.. They also want me to continue to use the opk's and progesterone after I ovulate..

I guess from here I have a lot of research and a lot to take in, so I'm gonna close this now, with one final thought, Could this be the cause of everything?

A plan

2010-10-14T14:39:00.002-05:00

That's right we've got a plan, finally!!

We finally got to visit with Dr. S, our RE, what an amazing man he is.. He already has me coming in for fasting blood work, and then on cd 3 will test my hormones, and possibly start with metformin, followed with a hcg trigger to force my body to ovulate, then of course timed intercourse, followed with progesterone.. Hopefully this will get us our living, healthy, active, sweet baby that we've been trying so long to get..

We of course will never ever in a million years forget our first 3 children, but this is opening up a new avenue for us, a possibility of fulfilling our family.. I feel so positive about this.

I am also starting a new eating lifestyle. Dr S. wants me to start a pcos/insulin resistant diet, so I'm trying to follow a diabetic lifestyle since my family is riddled with diabetes..

Thank you all my friends, and followers that's continued praying for my husband and I, I think all of our prayers are finally being answered..Thank you my friends...

A new day.

2010-08-09T10:23:00.003-05:00

Writing shouldn't only be done when I'm in the deepest of my sorrows....

This is the sentence I said to myself when I stepped out of bed, of course this is by getting a nice and so friendly can I reschedule spraying your yard to tomorrow from my pest control service.. Bright and early 7 am on the dot... Wow.. NOT the reason I want my shopping dreams interrupted that's for sure..

But alas, I wake, snuggle next to Bandi, as this is my normal morning routine cause she always jumps into daddy's spot when he's up and getting ready for work. She's gone as far as to fake him out thinking she needs to go outside, only to get him out of bed so she can get in.. Silly little pup..

So as I splash my face with cold water I decided that this blog will be for everything, not just a dumping point when I'm sad, this should be the process through healing and moving forward, so every aspect of my emotions should be shared.. I'm not always the sad, depressed and overwhelmed, giving up girl I perceive myself to be.

I am the girl that woke up with something of a smile in her heart, as she got her morning coffee, watched her husband leave for work and start the TON of laundry that I have.. A ton, yes a lot of laundry.. We finally have gone through all of our clothes that were upstairs in boxes and such, and have piled the ones we're donating, and trashing the ones that were ready for the trash! Washing the others, cause if you have cats, then you know that they will find any little article of clothing (of course an entire box, basket or pile is better) to lay on. My 4 especially Rascal..

Today is a good day, emotionally I feel ok. I'm not necessarily ready to 'tackle the world' but for today I will tackle my house!! Surely I don't expect to finish it today, (yes falling into the depression pit, I've let it go) I tackle the project head on!! Today I don't let Mr. Depression in.. (*Thank you Elizabeth Gilbert for that description of depression.. Mr. Loneliness also in tow)So for today, I'm asking these two to leave my house, and let me tackle this day!!

Well Here I am saying Have a beautiful day!!!
I'm going to change the water in my roses, and start my kitchen..

* If you've read or are reading, Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert these are terms taken from her.* I highly recommend this book, I'm taking it slow, but it's still a great read..

Ever feel....

2010-08-05T16:28:00.003-05:00

Like the world and God has just given up on you? I feel like I fit in absolutely NO where.. I'm a member of many different online communities, where I used to feel so fulfilled, able to talk, and now, I feel lonely.. At home in real life I'm lonely.. I have nothing in common with anyone... Everyone's babies are turning 3... Everyone's getting pregnant... Why can't I? Why has God forgotten us?

I don't want sympathy, but I don't want to be forgotten either like some broken toy tossed to the side.. My friends in real life and cyber life RARELY IF EVER mention Tristan anymore.. Have they all forgotten him?

Although one friend that I hold very dear to my heart did write me an email here very recently that because of my Tristan, she loves her daughter's that much more, and gives them extra kisses and hugs.. That made my day, that little boy is my hero..

I feel down, hopeless and shattered again... I always get knocked right back down by reality.. I really must face reality that it's probably NOT going to happen.. I am broken, spiritually, emotionally and I guess physically..

I don't know what purpose God has in all this.. But I do know that I'm losing the battle and becoming a very bitter and angry person. I have been heard saying time and time again recently that it's never going to happen, I just need to sell what baby stuff I do have, and move on, get my tubes tied, or better yet, maybe a complete hysterectomy so that I never have to see the failure of every month..

Some of my dearest friends hardly even speak to me anymore, and I'm sure that's my fault as I don't speak much anymore either, but I don't know what to say, as I'm sure they're in the same boat. I know that everyone wants nothing more than us to have children, and are praying for us, but I feel like an outcast, hell I feel like an outcast in most situations, because you know, in real life, and cyber life I know of only a small amount of us that are still trying to fill our homes with at least just ONE baby. Everyone else is working on 2, 3, 4 or more.. I know that I shouldn't be jealous, but damnit I am beyond jealous.. Why them? Why not me? Better yet, WHY NOT BOTH OF US?!?!? Why can't I enjoy being pregnant with my friends? I would wish nothing but loads of children for everyone, but all I want is just one at least...

Maybe I'm being punished, maybe I'm not, but I don't know where to turn, either give me a baby or get rid of my womb......I think He's already closed it, so why fight the obvious?!? Just accept that it's never going to happen for us, we're never going to be parents.. Life sucks sometimes.......

It's been a while....

2010-05-27T10:35:00.002-05:00

I haven't written in a while, I guess I've been trying to move forward the best I can.. Which surprisingly is going a LOT easier than I ever fathomed possible..

Last month we really put our hearts and souls in to ttc, we tried new things and tried and true things, and nothing worked, as a matter of fact, it made my lp 5 days shorter, this scared me, and made me very sad and mad, I think I even went through a small rage phase there.. It was very short lived and only when I was alone..

I was/am pissed at God, I feel like I'm having a spiritual battle within my soul right now, but that's ok, He's helping me work through it!! I feel betrayed, hurt, and confused, but am seeing the light and knowing that I'm am me and this life is the life that He has mapped out for me already, but where I get confused, is this....He our Lord and Savior has a plan for everyone, has their lives mapped out before they're ever born, then why God do you give babies to murders, rapist, and abusers? Why am I seeing all over the news and babycenter abused babies and murdered babies, by their PARENTS??? What is the deal? I'm here with open arms wanting to love these babies and you're just giving them to people that will hurt them....I don't understand.. maybe in time, but now I don't..

So with that out, now on to where we are, we're taking an extended ttc break, I'd like to think it was just for the summer, but I really don't know how long we'll be breaking for.. I am really working on losing this fat that's shockingly appeared all over and that's going oh so slowly!! :)

We also want to work on us, between ttc, and work schedules, we're drifting apart, but I know with one major stressor gone we can drift back to one another.. I miss my husband and love him with every inch of my soul/heart!!

I'm so proud of myself though, I've gotten up, no longer sitting all day, been up and moving and guess what, I FEEL ALIVE!!!!!! My house is really coming together, and I feel like I could be whole again soon.. Don't get me wrong there's still an infant sized whole in my heart which I'm pretty sure will be with me forever, but I feel life seeping into my lungs again.. I feel the desire to live, and that alone is saying something..

My creative juices are flowing, and my brain is living and going so fast I can't seem to catch up with it.. For the first time in 4 years, but mainly the last 2, I can fully see the green in the leaves, the blue in the sky and the prickly little hairs on the caterpillars.. It's weird, I've felt in a hole so dark for so long, it's like seeing the world for the first time, I understand now how a blind man must feel when his sight is regained, so fresh, alive and colorful, vibrant colors.....Even my animals seem to be more alive, I guess it's true what they say, when mommy's down, everyone's down.. Now if I can just get in and get my husband to live again..

I've accepted the fact that we may never be parents to living children, and as sad as that makes me, I know that within our hearts we're going to be ok because we have 3 beautiful children waiting on us in the Kingdom of Heaven...

I really want to get my photography going, I would love to do more with it, than just a pasttime passion of mine... So please keep your prayers going that God will open many doors for me in this area, I'm ready!!! I would love to get good enough to also send in my photo's to NILMDTS and work with them, as hard as it is to lose your child, I can't imagine a more rewarding gift than capturing that love of the child for the parents.. I wish I would have known about NILMDTS when we lost Tristan......

Well this is all I have time for now, it's getting late, and I have so much to do.....

Lost........

2010-04-28T08:47:00.002-05:00

This is how I explain the dream/nightmare, is just lost......

It all started right after I lost Tristan, the nightmare, the first night in the hospital, all the nightmare consisted of was my baby my sweet son, crying, and the nurses running with him in that plastic bassinet, running out of reach, every time I would get close, they would run, all I could hear was my baby crying, til I could hear him no more, I would run, chase, and search and no Tristan, no where.. I would wake up drenched in sweat and screaming in tears..

This nightmare has carried me through the greater part of the last 2 years.... It was the same dream nightly for the first 6 months then it got less and less time between. Til last night, last night was the first of "Lost" in about 6 months..But this dream was more detailed, more information provided..

It started the same, me searching, screaming, looking for Tristan, all I could hear was his tears, his crying out, but this time, the nurses were always in sight, always way ahead of me, but I didn't lose them this time.. This time they led me to the double doors, they read MOURGE on the doors, I just cried, saying no not again, I can't do this again, but I heard him, on the other side of those double doors, crying, the sounds so heart-wrenching I push myself through those doors, and I'm suddenly in the most beautiful powder blue room, filled with tiny little cribs, all full of content smiling babes, as I'm walking through the room looking for my sweet Tristan, I see so many other babies I've met, thinking this is so unfair, why are all these babies here? Why isn't my Tristan here? I could hear his faint whimpers, when these grand most beautiful hands I've ever seen reached out to me with my son cradled in them.. All I could see behind these hands was the most beautiful silhouette of a beautiful person, this person had my baby, and was giving him back to me.. I couldn't make out his face, this person, but His voice was so clear, when he said "Shannon I love you, and I know your hurting, I hurt with you.. And I got to ask him, this beautiful voice "why?, why, Tristan? Why didn't you take me too, you had the chance.." all he could tell me was that he loved me.. And that it was time for me to give Tristan back, I didn't want to, thinking of my options, running and running fast with him, trying to bring him back home, when my thought was interrupted with, "You will always have him with you, but right now, he physically has to stay with me," Giving him back was the hardest thing I had to do after losing him once.....But I walked back out those double doors and things were different, there was no more hospital, no double doors, no babies............then my alarm went off........

The dream was over, but still so vivid in my mind.. Did God reach out to me last night and let me hold my son? Or was it my yearning that brought to me that dream? One will never know, and one will never understand why God chose us.. And certainly no one will ever understand why I can't get pg now.. Everyone says Time Heals All......I'm still waiting......

Yes the pain has lessonend, the pain is different now, just more solid, and permanent.. I feel like I'm suffocating under a black cloud...

Here's a song that I want to share with you, this song is my ring tone on my phone, and a song that has brought to me much comfort the last 2 years!!
Please watch this video!

Oklahoma City.......15 years ago

2010-04-19T13:18:00.007-05:00

15 years ago, a very tragic event happened, at the time it was the largest, deadliest terrorist attack on our nation. 15 years ago today Timothy McVeigh and Terry Nichols took a Ryder truck full of explosives and parked it in front of the Oklahoma City Federal building.. At 9:02 A.M. so many lives were shattered.. I remember sitting in my first class of the day, Algebra I my sophmore year, and feeling my school shake, no body knew what it was but suspected it was the broiler room. Little did we know that our lives, our history would be forever changed..

April 15, 1995, 168 lives were taken by a 5,000lb bomb..By a milita that was pissed off at the government...

Today I just wanted to take a moment and remember all those lives taken were not in vain, that those people were loved, and are missed daily!!!

I found this poem on the facebook page.....It touched me..

And the wind's still sweeping
down the plains of Oklahoma
and it dries the tears
on the faces of the people there
if you didn't lose someone
you knew someone
it was too much pain to bear
and the wind swept across the nation
as they bowed their heads in prayer

And the waving wheat
seems to wave goodbye
in the canyons you could s...wear
you hear the children cry
and in the time it takes a mother
just to blink an eye
they're gone.....they're gone

And the wind's still sweeping
down the plains of Oklahoma
and it whispers a reminder
of the memory that should
never leave us all
if it didn't break your heart
it tore your world apart
from sea to shining sea
please someone light a candle
and let it burn....eternally.

So please as you close your eyes tonight, say a prayer for all the family's affected by this tragic tragic event....

This was my home.... I miss Oklahoma!!

For actual news footage of April 19,1995

A video that was made, shows the heartache, shock and destruction....

2010-04-15T13:03:00.000-05:00

The Pit

The Pit

The day my child died, I fell into the pit of grief. My friends watched me struggle through daily life, waiting for the person I once was to arise from the pit, not realizing "she" is gone forever.

The pit is full of darkness, heartache and despair, it paralyzes your thoughts, movements and ability to ration. The pit leaves you forever changed, unable to surface the person you once were.

Some of my pre-grief friends gather around the top of the pit, waiting for the old me to appear before their eyes, not understanding what's taking me so long to emerge. After all, in their eyes, I've been in the pit for quite sometime. Yet in my eyes, it seems as if I fell in only yesterday.

Not all of my pre-grief friends are gathered around the top of the pit. Some are helping me with the climb out of the darkness. They climb side by side with me from time to time, but mostly they climb ahead of me, waiting patiently at each plateau. Even with these friends I sometimes wonder if they are also waiting for the pre-grief me to magically appear before their eyes.

Then there are the casual acquaintances, you know the ones who say, "Hi, how are you?" when they really don't care or really want to know. These are the people who sigh in relief, that it is my child who died and not theirs. You know...the "better them, than me" attitude.

My post-grief friends (and a rare pre-grief friend) are the ones who climb with me, side by side, inch by inch, out of the pit with me. They are able to reassure me when I need reassurance, rest when I need resting, and encourage me to move forward when I don't have the strength. They have no expectations, no memories and no recollection of how I "should" be. They want me to get better, to smile more often and find joy in life, but they also accepted the person I've become. The "person" who is emerging from the pit

Author Unknown

April.....

2010-04-12T11:02:00.002-05:00

I used to LOVE April, I mean it used to be my all time favorite month, I don't guess my birthday could have had anything to do with it?!?! Yes at a time of innocence, childhood, you always looked forward to birthday's.. yeah I'm finally getting older.. As a young woman I used to wish my years away so I could hurry up and be a wife and mommy, I've wanted that life since I was a child.. Anytime we ever played house, I was always the mommy.... We think that is' so easy, we go through life thinking, we grow up, we get married, and have babies.. No little girl ever dreams, Oh I'll grow up, get married, have multiple miscarriages, a stillbirth, and then we'll deal with infertility, and maybe by the time you give up all dreams of having that "leave it to beaver" family, you have a life of shattered dreams, hurt feelings and pain and sorrow.. A marriage holding on by friendship and unconditional love for your spouse that it pains you to think that one day that love to will leave you.. Not for several, several years you pray, but to think about growing old, and saying goodbye one day just rips my heart in two..

I often watch my sweet husband and wonder where he is in all this, what his true feelings and emotions are. When he says I'm ok baby, does he really mean I hurt so bad and can't show it? I wonder at times, did he do too good of a job taking such wonderful care of me, that he forgot about him self.. I see him glance, and stare at our son's beautiful photo's, and times that you can see him day dreaming looking out the window thinking, "my son and I should be out there playing".. I see the pain, but don't know how to reach it, or if I even should.

I've seen the stress, strain and struggles our marriage has had the last 4 years of ttc. To be honest, we both seemed to jump back easier through the miscarriages, it's not that we didn't hurt like hell from losing our first and second babies, our precious dreams gone; but I also sadly know that first trimester losses are too common, and happen to way to many women/men.. It's almost like dr's, and people in general expect it (if you're on the side of loss, you will get it), but to lose a baby after 8 months of carrying him, feeling his every move, his every hiccup, worrying if he was hiccuping too much (lol)... Or holding him in your arms after he's already been called home, for some reason to me, there was a huge difference in the way that I dealt with his loss vs. Xavier's and February's. I feel guilty when thinking about this, but in all actuality it's true..

I feel sorta closer with Tristan, like he was the one, the one I was supposed to bring home, the one that we were getting the nursery ready for.. Now that's not saying that every Sept. 18 and 19th that I don't think of my sweet Xavier lost at 9w5d.. (we knew he was a boy from the chromosonal/genetic testing after m/c.) And it's not like every February 12, I don't think of the baby that NEVER developed, the baby that went for a year without a name, but I couldn't deal with not having that closure, so we named it February after the month we said good-bye to our little blighted ovum at 8w3d. And of course then we have Tristan's birthday January 21.. You know they say that the pain from loss lesson's, and while I agree with this to some point, it's different, it's settling that I'm always going to hurt, no matter what, or how happy I might be, I will never stop hurting. The mask is hard to wear at times..

People tell me, 'quit talking about him, it will hurt less' -yea you or me?-
People tell me to quit trying and it will happen..-yea, you've apparently never walked this journey.
People tell me, "in His time"- yea I know, heard it a million times.

Don't you think I would LOVE to quit trying, to have more patience, but that's not me, I'm not one that just can give up a little, or none at all...I'm either all in or all out, I for some reason can't find that happy little medium...

Don't you think I would love to be able to say that yea I wasn't even trying and look at this beautiful little blessing I've received..

Don't you think I would Love to go back to work but yea can't stand to see everything I don't have, and really hate the 'pathetic I feel sorry for you looks when you share your story.. Or when someone asks, "do you have any children", what am I supposed to do but to tell the truth? I always reply, yes, I have 3 in heaven.. I'm not lying nor denying my children, yet people look at me with this look, I don't want to face "the look".. So I stay home....I like home..

Wow, guess I just felt like talking today... Here's to a new (25th) cycle, and on to next month then we can finally get to the dr.. Then maybe we'll have some clear answers, and hopefully our blessing will come!!!

to my angels how I miss you so, not a day go by.. I love you all my sweet angels..

4 Alarm Fire's..

2010-04-07T21:44:00.003-05:00

A friend I've grown to know and respect the last several months has lost everything in a house fire, I'm trying to raise money to help her...

Please do what your heart compels of you, whether it's a prayer or monetary donations, just please keep this family in your thoughts..

She has a husband, 2 sons, and a baby on the way.....

Infertility Hurts

2010-04-07T10:22:00.002-05:00

I know that God has a plan, He say's so..

I don't understand what's wrong with me, why have we been forgotten? I've been pregnant 3 times, and have lost all my babies, and now what I'm broken, and can't even get a damn false positive?!?! I mean I just don't get it, there's women that are getting pregnant left and right that prevent pregnancy, yet I try, I try my hardest, eat right, exercising, taking my vitamins, temping, opk's and NOTHING is working.. My dr. wants me to call him this cycle to start clomid, but we can't swing it til May, I'm losing all hope, and my faith is running thin......

I try to stay positive but it's very hard. I don't know how much more of this journey I can take before fully crumbling........

I guess we'll give the clomid 4-6 months then I think I'm done......

Another spring's arrival

2010-03-12T17:22:00.005-06:00

Yes the beginning of birds chirping, locusts chirping, crickets waking from their slumber. The bees are buzzing while the butterflies flutter.. It's a beautiful awakening after a dark and cold slumber. Hearing the sounds of spring should be cheering me right up, right? Well for some reason I can't seem to get you off my mind. Your due date was supposed to be today, how weird it is that I didn't even realize it til right now when looking at the online calendar. No wonder I've been in the dark for the last week, not only was I missing you something fierce, I had another month/cycle to come and go. I've allowed myself to wallow in my own self pity for the last week and it's time to get off the pity horse and on my own 2 feet again.

I don't understand why missing you, comes in waves, that seem to slam you in the back knocking you face down in the raging ocean of grief. It does hit at the oddest of times. Today is the actual day you should have turned 2, but your birthday is in January.. I miss you sweet angel.

I pray that you and Jesus still have a baby brother or sister picked out and awaiting us as we await them. We are ready. We're more than ready. Mommy isn't ever going to forget you my son, but I am ready to move forward with your help guiding me through the storms.. I love you, daddy loves you, and wish that things were different. I know that the time is only very short for you, and I am so ever greatful that you don't have to feel the pain that daddy and I feel.

I stumbled upon a blog the other day, and it was about a 2 year old little girl battling stage 4 high risk neoroblastoma, and she lost that battle on March 9th, 2010, and daddy and I hoped that you were waiting for her next to Jesus and helped guide her through heaven to her family already there. And that you and Layla are fast friends and that she's whole again and well.. It made me realize that maybe God was protecting daddy and I.. How would we have ever said good-bye after getting to know you for 2 years as her mommy and daddy did.. How could we have ever been that strong? I have battled my strength through losing you, and honestly at times don't know how I've made it to where I am. I know that I can't remember half of the last 2 years. I don't know if I just am better at blocking out the painful stuff, or, am I truly getting better? I would like to think that it's a little of both..

I haven't felt more like myself as I have the last few weeks, til this week hit.. This week has sucked..

Tristan,
Not a moment goes by that I don't miss and think about you. I love you sweet angel, and know that you're well and are near. I just long for the day that I get to hold you again. I love you sweet boy......

Happy Birthday

2010-01-21T23:12:00.005-06:00

Happy Birthday my baby boy!! How badly we miss you and wish that you were here, that we were having a real birthday party for you, but I can only imagine the birthday that you had!! I love you so very very much Tristan.. 2 years it's been since I've held your lifeless little self.. 2 years it's been since I've felt your last kick.. I'm sorry I'm not with you, and I hope that you're alright, just keep knowing that one day mommy and daddy will get to hold, run and play with you and your siblings soon!!

Happy birthday to you
happy birthday to you
happy birthday my sweet Tristan
happy birthday to you!!

Oh son we love and miss you.. Stay near, and know that you're ALWAYS in our hearts, always!!

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!

2010-01-01T22:15:00.002-06:00

Well the day is nearing an end, and I have a moment to write.... This year in summery has been another difficult year, so I was really glad to see it go..

My year was well it was just that, long, boring at times, sad at times, full of new's I did a LOT of healing this last year so that's good.. I made new friends through that healing and the ones I already had we grew closer.. I am greatful for the friends that stood by me, and I am greatful for the rekindled friends as well..

My mother had 5 yes FIVE heartattacks, 2 of which were massive, and she coded (died if you will) all 5 times.....I'm VERY VERY greatful my momma is here with us another year, this tickles me pink..

My brother is SOBER!!! I never thought this day would come, I can't tell you how happy I am about that, how exciting he's got new and available opportunities for himself now!!

My father is apparently getting remarried, maybe the 3rd time will be the charm. Sickening yes I agree.....I have no further words, I hurt that he's I guess "forgot" that he has 2 adult children of HIS own, but that's alright, it is what it is.....

We bought a house!! This is a very good thing!! I LOVE our house, it's everything plus more than what I ever dreamt of owning!! Our first holidays' here were a huge hit, and I'm so proud of that, although I really don't recommend hosting TWO holiday dinners in a row when on a VERY tight budget, and just buying a house... Unless you're made of money!! Whew glad it's over!! Lol, ha ha :)..

My Inlaws are doing splendly they've come down twice once for Thanksgiving and then for New Year, always great spending time with them and getting to know them even better..

We got a puppy, her name is Bandi, the cats are taking their sweet time getting used to her, but hopefully within the next few weeks they will be fast friends.

My best friend is pregnant again, expecting a little girl, I couldn't be happier, I'm going to be an adopted aunty again!!! :D

A LOT of my great friends my cyber family have had their babies, some of which were the 2nd babies, and I am so honored to be apart of their lives....

A lot of my 2nd cyber family the family that NO parent wants to be apart of have had their rainbows or are expecting their rainbows, and that is the most awesome thing to see and be a part of..

My cousin, who has waited patiently for a baby since her and her husband were married and have been going through the adoption process for the last 2 years finally got their prayers answered right before the new year, how wonderful for our God to bless them with a beautiful perfect little boy!!

And we're still experiencing secondary infertility, it sucks, and I feel broken and like a failure that my body has just stopped getting pregnant, like it's almost forgotten how!! I'm praying with a little work on myself and getting myself back to a healthy body then somehow it will click with my body that hey, its' ok to get pg..... It's time, it's been almost 2 years that we've been trying to conceive after having Tristan....

The holidays were a lot easier to get through than I thought, the week or so before were hard, but I'm ok, I miss my son terribly, but he was called home for something very special I'm sure.. I have faith in our God that He will bless us with the desires of our hearts because I refuse to lose faith or give up ttc...

So this is our last year in summery. It's not pretty but it's our year..

I have a vow to change myself, and my life!!!
So I hope that everyone has a very Happy New year, and New Decade......Many blessings, and much happiness I hope finds you!!!

Christmas time without you here......

2009-12-24T07:49:00.003-06:00

Merry Christmas my sweet boy!!! I know mommy's a day early, but I don't know that I'll be able to be near the computer much tomorrow and of course I wanted to let you know that as always you're especially in my mind right now!!

I hurt for not only us, but for every mother and father, brother, sister, grandma, grandpa, aunt, uncle, and cousin that is missing their precious babies, and loved ones this Christmas.. This year like last has been a year of great loss. We lost 2 great men this year in our family alone, your Uncle James, and "uncle" Jimmy, both are very missed. But you my angel, you I miss most of all.. I hope that doesn't meant that I'm a heartless or bad person...

I want to say to all PARENTS of a lost baby/infant/ or child that I feel your pain, my heart aches with yours. And I would give anything to give your children back to you, as much as I would love to go to heaven and grab my children and bring them home.. I just wanted to say that I love you you all, that you are all strong men and women, because it takes a strong heart to go through what we have all gone through.

Many people tell us, oh I know how you feel because I lost my mom, grandma, etc.. It's not the same, I know I've lost my grandmother, uncle, best friend, great grandma, NOTHING compares to the loss of your child. Because in a parents mind, WE especially us mother's are supposed to protect our young, and when that child dies, we feel like we've failed on protecting our baby.. Now saying this is not to diminish any pain you feel for the loss of your loved one in any way, but please don't compare the 2, they're completely different..

Anyway, long winded as I can get, I just wanted to reach out and ((((((HUG))))))) all of you parents missing your sweet little ones this holiday season. May God bless you during this time and keep you safely tucked into His palms, protecting you all from heartache, words, and anyone that may not understand the pain you feel and say something beyond ignorant!!! Just know that I as a grieving mother, will be holding you up in prayer and love!!

23 months

2009-12-21T20:51:00.001-06:00

Have come and gone since I've held your sweet little self.. I miss you so much son. Christmas is quickly approaching and it's the 2nd without you, I don't know how I've made it this far, but I know it's got to be Christ that's carried me.. I imagine that Christmas is spectacular up in Heaven, that spending this glorious day with Jesus on the day that He was born has to be the most wonderful sight there ever was..
Although mommy's a little selfish and would rather you be here, I know there is no greater place I could ever imagine you being. I love you so much with everything that I am..
I've had a hard time really getting into the spirit but I feel you near.. Know that you're thought of daily, and missed so terribly!!

With all our love my sweet dragonfly
Love you always
Mommy

22 months since we've said hello, and good bye

2009-11-21T15:43:00.003-06:00

It's almost Thanksgiving, and your grandparents will be in town (daddy's parents).. I'm looking forward to that, I love cooking and hosting, even if it does stress me a tad..

Today is weird, its' like you're crying from heaven it's been raining intermittent all day.. I don't like to think of you crying, I wonder though if you miss us... The weather is perfect for my mood though, bleak, and cold.. You've been gone for 22 months today, it seems so surreal.. Some days it seems as only yesterday and then days like today it seems years ago... I'm having a hard time dealing with the fact that your 2 year birthday is coming up, and you're not here.. There are no dragonflies today, but there's lots of little sparrow's and finches, singing outside the window, did you send them for me today, just to see me smile?

Do you feel my love in heaven? Sweetie I hope that Uncle Jimmy found you he's almost been gone a month now, and he will have lots of stories about your daddy I'm sure.. Please tell him we love him, and miss him and to stay close to his daughter as she really needs to feel him!! Just like mommy and daddy really need to feel you..

You know in reality I know that my son is not reading these pages, why do I continue to write like he is?!? I ask myself this all the time, maybe it's my way of letting him know that I'm here, I still miss him terribly.. I sit here in my new house and wonder if he would have loved it, would I have had trouble keeping him off of the stairs?!? I know he would have loved playing in the back yard that's for sure...

I am feeling a little down today, 22 months that we said hello/goodbye, and I still don't understand why us, why my Tristan?!? He was everything we wanted, dreamed of and longed for.. Now I find myself longing for my Rainbow after the storm, wondering if it's ever going to come, or did God forget about us?! I don't like to think that God has forgotten about us, but there are so many other's that he's answered their prayers and still we sit here, still we praise Him, and still we pray.....

Every one I know is having living healthy babies, why can't I?!?! What is so wrong with me?!? Is it because I'm fat? Is it because I am not a perfect house keeper? I'm not a "super" mom?!?!? Or am I just destined to be the 'cat' woman?!?! Either way, I'm so blissfully happy for everyone I know that's had their babies and is pregnant with their 2nd, or 3rd babies now, I just can't help to feel a little twinge of jealousy, for you see I want that so badly, I want to be awakened by a hungry or fussy baby at night?!? I want to comfort, love and hold my living healthy child.....

One day our miracle may come, one day our dreams may be fulfilled and prayers answered, but not this day, this day, I said hello and goodbye to the most perfect baby boy!!!

HAPPY 22ND MONTH HEAVENLY BIRTHDAY MY SON! WE MISS YOU TRISTAN!!

Missing him....

2009-10-20T11:59:00.004-05:00

You know I haven't really allowed myself to just sit back and miss him in a long time, afraid of the pit reaching up and swallowing me again. But today I just really really miss my son. It's been almost 21 months, tomorrow will be 21 months, it's coming up on Halloween, everyone's talking about what their babies will be this year, and it hurts. I don't even have a pregnant belly to dream of next year. I hate allowing myself to feel this, but it's needed sometimes I guess. I hate feeling sorry for myself which seems that's all I've done for the last 21 months.

I still feel pangs of jealousy and hurt when I see a baby, especially when I see a 21 month old baby or I see a big ol pregnant belly. I still wonder at times why do they get to keep their baby and I don't. What's so wrong with me? Now I can't even get pregnant, what's wrong with me? I don't understand this and I really don't understand why me?!?!

I do tend to think and believe that God took Tristan so that I would be available for my mother and brother, but the selfish part of me wants to know why? Why was I robbed my baby and my glory for drama, and health problems? Why wasn't I allowed my baby?? There's mother's out there that obviously don't deserve their children yet they have healthy babies, and I did almost everything right and my baby boy died.

I feel bitter and angry, not all the time, but sometimes, especially when I see a teen mother, I don't know why but this makes me so sick and angry, that God thinks a teen would be a better mother than an adult woman with her life together, married and doing everything by His word??

I feel pathetic writing all this, that maybe I shouldn't have these feelings, but I'm human dammit and I want my chance to be a mother.. We are definitely not giving up although there are times that I just wish we could, but it's not in my blood to quit..This is our 2nd Halloween, Thanksgiving and Christmas without our Tristan. I dread January cause his 2nd birthday and there will be no joyous celebrations, no happy baby tearing open his gifts...

I'm open to ideas' for his birthday and am thinking so far (thanks to other mother's that's done this) taking all of my loss books and donating them to the hospital, but then what if I need them again? I hold on to them because of this thought, what if I lose another baby and need the books myself, but also a couple friends gave a few books, maybe I'll just hold on to the ones that were gifts, and put them away in hopes that one day I can donate them without having to have that thought of what if I lose another baby.

What else to do for his birthday, I know that I will be baking him his ribbon cake, this will be a tradition that I will not ever quit, and possibly a balloon release, but I've heard recently that releasing balloons is bad for the animals, ,so that makes me sad.. I will be planting his memorial garden hopefully in the spring, he will share with his siblings of course, those that I lost before him. How great does this sound, 3 pregnancies and 3 angels, I have no living children, I feel like a freak that belongs in a freak show, like I have something wrong with me, I'm broken, but my soul and faith is full.. My heart is healing although there's something always missing, and I'm totally NOT the same person I was 5 years ago, and am finding out that I will never again see that woman again, for she was a woman that never knew about loss this deep, never had a fleeting thought that I would lose my children, she was a naive, and gullable woman. Now the woman before you is shattered, hurt, and if you look at a broken mirror or glass that you've glued back together you will see me......

boy am I missing him....

A long time.....

2009-10-14T11:00:00.005-05:00

It's been a long time since I've updated everyone on me, and my family or my emotional state!!
I'm actually doing MUCH better emotionally, the dreams still come from time to time and it's always that nasty one where the nurses are running with Tristan and he's crying, and I can't find him, I know it's the enemy putting that in my mind, but it still sucks!!

Lets see, you all know that my parents divorced, and that things were pretty nasty for a while and that he's getting married again to some skank, that literally smells of bo, like she never wears deoderant or something, but guess if it makes him happy I should be happy for him.. I really don't care....

My momma on the other hand hasn't had the best of times she had her first massive heartattack on August 7 2009 her lad kept clotting she had 3 blood clots in it at that time and she coded (died) 3 times on the table that night in cath lab. Then they get her home she's doing great until Sept. 11 she has another massive heartattack where her lad had clotted again and she coded twice on the table. She was in the hospital for a very long time this go around. She spent a few days in ICU then they transferred her to her own room she was there a day then the next morning started having severe chest pains again she was on her way to another massive MI, but they got her downstairs and into the cath lab rather quickly (thank God) where she had clotted again, so they decided to do a double bypass, it was scary, but she's home now and doing well..

My brother is doing great, we did an intervention on him and he's staying sober now!! Praise the Lord, cause only through Him is all the great happening.. He's going to AA meetings, and many other meetings to beat his alcoholism, I am so proud of him for doing this he really needs it and totally looks like a different man!!

My grandparents have moved down here off of the farm that my grandfather, aunts and father were born and raised on, it's weird really. They're living with my father and his "thing" she seems like the type to take over MY family ya know? It's really pissing me off but there's nothing I can do but pray about it!!

As for Aaron and I, we're doing great!! We bought our first home and I fall more and more in love with it every morning I wake up and see it's beautiful walls!! I am so happy for us that we're able to make this life change, and that we were able to do it,financially, emotinonally and all.. It was tough moving out of the apartment, only because a part of me a huge part of me felt like I was leaving my little Tristan behind, because that's where he died, but I know rationally that's not the case, he's with me everywhere I go, and I pray that this house brings us many many happy memories!!
About the house, omg it's awesome!!! It's a 1936 home 5 bedroom, 2 bath, beautiful!! The original double sideboard cast iron sink, the original Okeefe and Merritt stove (not working yet) but awesome!!! Hopefully all we're going to have to do is change out the gas valve and it will work.. They're saying (the previous owners) that there are 2 things to close together making the valve trip.... (shrugs shoulders) I have no idea.. I have a plumber coming to look at it today!! Yes a plumber because that's who the gas company says has to look at the gas lines in the house?!

Anyway let me see if I can toss a few pics in real quick!! Cause boxes upon boxes are calling my name they need to find their rightful homes!! Ok a few photo's were added and you can see 3 of the 4 kitties have settled nicely all 4 have actually but Ms. Raven was too busy hiding and playing and looking for cubby holes, she gave us quite the scare when we first moved in the first morning, she had found a crawl space and was spending quite the time inside the walls of the house!!! lol

Never ends......

2009-08-25T10:26:00.003-05:00

There's so much that's been going on, and the feeling of missing my son is still so strong, it's the feeling that never ends, no matter what I do, or where I am, or how happy I am, I am still overshadowed by grief. I find myself wandering around aimlessly at times, just wondering what he would be like, who would he look like? I see pictures of babies his age and wonder why he couldn't have lived to, but then I remember that God needed a very special soul, and he chose our Tristan. I'm really beginning to wonder, if our 3 little angels were our only children, maybe God only chose us to be parents of angels, to provide him the most innocent of souls, untouched, unharmed, and very loved.. but still so unfair, to now live with a love so strong for a child that's not here, that I can't show that love to, I can't hug or kiss, I can't teach or learn from..

I find myself questioning me and the Lord at times, wondering how God works, I see all of the beautiful blessings that he's blessed us with, but am I being greedy? Am I truly wanting just too much? The Lord has blessed me and our family by not taking my momma home with him a few weeks ago when she had a massive heart-attack in her Left Anterior Descending Artery (LAD-aka-the widow maker) because of 3 major blood clots.. Praise Jesus (it could have ONLY BEEN HIM) that she survived, after dying 3 times, being shocked 3 times AND having MINIMAL damage to her heart!!! How awesome is that?? God also provided Aaron a job, after only being laid off for 2 weeks, God has opened up an opportunity for us to BUY OUR FIRST HOME!! And yet, I still feel a very large void, my son's.... I have a yearning to be a mother, the best mother a mother that raises her children in God's love, and His Hands....I want to hear the laughter, and feel the energy of children, a beautiful creation of what the Lord has brought together in Aaron and I.

I know that as a child of God I shouldn't question Him and His works, and I know that He does things in His time..

I mean the fact that we're buying our first home is Him and Him alone!!

I just miss my little boy so much, and I miss the life that I thought I should be having by now, I'm thinking though that we're taking a good ttc break, no temping, no stressing, just becoming one again, something is missing and we lost it when we lost our babies, and now we need to find one another again, and I plan on working on that as we get settled into a new home, new responsibilities and fresh set of eyes.... I will be going back to work, I don't know where yet, but plan on finding something as soon as we get moved, there's a beautiful historical section within walking distance from my new home, and there's an oyster bar, restaurants, bakeries, museums, I'm really excited.. But even through that excitement, there's the sadness and pain that never ends.

I wonder when people quit talking about Tristan, it's weird, it's like no body speaks his name hardly anymore.. It's like the unspeakable "sadness" Maybe that's what it is, maybe nobody speaks of him anymore because it hurts them to much? I don't know, but I seem to talk about him everyday, (if I can) Aaron and I both try..... We both still miss him so much.. It's the feeling that never ends....

18 months , 1 year 6 months

2009-07-21T15:28:00.002-05:00

18 months ago this very hour you were in my arms, I was so sad, yet so elated to see who you looked like, so angry that God took you back, and so disgusted with myself that my body failed you. I think about what could/should and would have been. I look at your pictures and wonder what you would look like, would you look just like your daddy did as a toddler or would you look like me? I like to imagine all the things we would have done, but after a while of doing this, it starts to hurt so bad.

I can't honestly believe that a year and a half has passed, and so quickly, yet so slowly. One thing is for sure, although this has been the hardest year and half of my entire life, it's also been the most educating, and reflecting year and a half. I've made some wonderful friends through this very horribly sad loss. I am honored that these friends come to me when they need a comforting ear, or shoulder.. I just want to take every mother's pain away, no mother or father should feel this pain, it's the worst pain ever imaginable. And sadly I'm experiencing the second worst pain imaginable while dealing with unexplained secondary infertility. It's so unfair, to go from feeling growth and life inside of me to feeling the painful cramps of follicles growing on my ovaries.

I can't believe the time that has passed, even though I'm still empty from missing you, I'm fulfilled in Christs' love, and the passage way that he's leading us down. I know your daddy uses your memory and love to keep going, as does mommy. Son we miss you so much, if only we could reach into heaven and kiss your little nose, your cheeks, your eyes.... To smell your scent again (which I can do this if I go in the box of your belongings). That's all I have, when I get your outfit out (which is so rare now because of the pain) and hold it, it's like holding you again, because I know that your little body was in that outfit til 10 minutes before we left the hospital.. Leaving the hospital that day was the hardest thing to do without you in my arms.

I hear the stories daily of new parents going through a terrible loss of their child never fails to bring back those raw memories of the very beginning. An undescribable pain losing your child.. But once you enter this club, there's no turning back, there's so many unspoken words between us moms, all you have to do is say it's a bad day, and you've got a group of women there to pull you up.. I'm thankful for the women on babycenter's fullterm and infant loss thread, and the 2nd and 3rd trimester loss boards, Hope Floats, you're all amazing women who have helped pull me out of a pit that I really don't ever want to see the bottom of again. Granted, there are days that I might slip over the edge, but I never hit that bottom anymore...... Thank you for that.

My Sept/Oct angels girls have been by far my rock this last year and half, oh who am I kidding they've been my rock for the last 3 years, but they really stepped up and helped me through the worst year of my life. There they were with open arms and big hearts loving my son and my family more than even my real family has done.. They never stop me from talking about Tristan, they've never told me I had to or needed to get over it, and even though I might have not been the best friend the last 18 months, their friendships never faulted. They show that as I continue through the infertility now they're so supportive and so full of advice.

Today was a little tougher than I thought it would be. I started clomid on cd 5-9 today was the last day and we went in for a follicle scan, going to that u/s room was tough, seeing the screen I started to have a panic attack. The last u/s I had was 18 months ago in the hospital operating room when Dr. Hill told me there was no fetal heart activity. I vaugely remember them doing an u/s. I wasn't concious enough to see it or know when, but I know what dr. Hill told me after the u/s, then I felt that first cut and everything went black, those moments will forever run through my mind.. Could I have changed the outcome? If only I would have forced you out, you might be here today. I keep thinking if only I would have had an urge to push or if I would have just started pushing, could we have saved you? These thoughts torture my brain sometimes waking me out of a dead sleep to haunt me, I know it's the Devil trying to make me blame myself again, because he loves that type of decension. Well Satan I have to tell ya you're not going to win, because I'm going to promise you one thing I will be holding my son again in my arms one day, as I sit next to Jesus and hear of all the happy things Tristan has done.....

Tristan my baby, you're forever my first born son, even though you have 2 siblings before you in heaven, you were truly my first born. I miss you every second of every day. I would give absolutely anything to have changed everything. You were my every dream and hopes.. You're always my little dragonfly, every dragonfly I see from now on til the day I die will be my direct link to you. I love you my baby boy!

TTC, wondering, and dreaming

2009-07-09T21:06:00.002-05:00

Wow, it doesn't get easier does it? You say I'm not going to test early, and still you find your self staring longingly at those hpt's... Yearning for a bfp, you get your cup, pull your pants down and pee... Dip the stick, see a faint immediate shadowy line.. is it positive, is it negative? I don't know, could it be the dye? I don't know. I got a positive with Tristan with blue dye, but ever since then, I've gotten notorious false positives with blue dye tests.. I wonder if it's another false + as the day goes on and I test a couple more times and they're all stark white, wtf?? Ok, relax, it's only 9 dpo, maybe 8.... It's not over yet, the fat red lady hasn't shown her face yet!! So I will test again tomorrow, and if it's - then I will wait yes I know what you're thinking, yeah right, she couldn't even wait til 10 dpo, and she's already testing!! I drive myself crazy, but yes, if tomorrow's screams bfn, then I will NOT test again til Monday. If AF hasn't shown... Which leads me to say, my favorite site shut down, I wanted to visit today, but it was shut down, how sad, no more peeonastick.com, we will miss you!! I used to compare my tests all the time!! But thanks for a friendly reminder from a friends blog, there's still twoweekwait.com!! I'm off to visit that site soon...

If we don't get our bfp this cycle, which, I might just cry if we don't, 15 months is a long time!! We will move forward with clomid, IF our finances can afford the u/s's that dr. H will want to have me do.

Well we had a great visit with my inlaws, (they are the absolute best inlaws around) We went to Rockafeller for crabs Friday, Saturday we had a cook out and went and watched fireworks, Sunday we went out to Cypermont Point for some fishing, and then Monday mid morning they went home. Mom G had to work Tuesday.. I always enjoy their company!! I need to upload my photo's to photobucket than I will share with you guys!!

17 months

2009-06-21T22:47:00.001-05:00

I can't believe it's been 17 months since I held you in my arms, and kissed your little lips! Mommy misses you so badly! Today was father's day also, I think it was a little tough on daddy, even though he wouldn't admit it!! You kiddo will never be forgotten, and will always be missed, every single day for the rest of mommy and daddy's lifes..

You sweet boy are with the ultimate father though, HE can teach you all about us, so that when it's time to meet again, you will know all there is to know..

I still wonder from time to time what you would be doing right now, well I looked on babycenter today, and this is what it has to say for 17 months.....

http://www.babycenter.com/6_your-17-month-old_5927.bc?intcmp=timeline

Your 17-month-old

How your toddler's growing: She's becoming much easier to understand now that she often combines pointing with a word or two. And her growing independence is asserting itself in numerous ways: She can undress herself (dressing herself will come much later), brush her teeth without your help and feed her dolly. But you should continue to brush her teeth for her, until she truly masters the job.

She can sort things by color, shape, and type, which makes toys that encourage sorting particularly popular now. If "no" hasn't already become her favorite word, she'll begin using it with a vengeance. She's gradually easing toward one nap each day, which means this is a transition period that's potentially hard on both of you. If she's having trouble sleeping, try cuddling up with her for a few minutes to make it extra cozy.

How your life's changing: Toddlers are known for being finicky eaters, so save yourself some time and heartache by keeping meal preparation simple. But try to present a fairly good mix of foods on her plate at every meal. If you offer a variety of healthy options, chances are she'll get all the nutrition she needs — though it may mean she's eating her vegetables at one end of the day and grains at the other.

Parent tip: Get first-aid training "One of the best ways to keep your family safe is to take a CPR course. Call the local Red Cross to find out where the classes are being given in your area. I feel better now that I know what to do in case my daughter stops breathing." — Laura M.

Share your tips.

I wish with all my might that you were here so that I could experience all of these things with you.. I love you sweet angel, daddy loves you, give your brother and sister(just guessing) a kiss and hug from me.. I love you, and happy 17 month birthday, I really hope that you and Jesus had a good time today doing what ever it is you do, whether it's skipping rocks together, or rrwatching the waterfalls, thank you for watching over us, thank you for being our son.

God Thank you for everything, you are so amazing, Thank you for the time you gave to us with Tristan, and thank you Lord for never leaving my side, I am nothing without you Father.. You have carried me this far, and I know with everything in me that you will bless us with a growing family.. Father I love you..Happy Father's Day my father in heaven, the only father I've ever had, thank you for watching and keeping my Trisan close by.. Father just thank you for the many blessings you have placed in our hearts and lives..

Well as my eyes well up with tears, I must run, but before I do, I need and want to update you guys a little on our procedures mentioned in a previous post.
Our fsh, and thyroid (tsh) came back normal, our semen analysis came back normal and our hsg came back normal, it was really kinda cool to see my uterus, you could see just how anterior it is, and my left tube is straight as a board, while my right tube is curled up like it's supposed to be, funny thing, I always get pg out of my right tube!! or right ovary at least!! lol~~

Ok so that's that, and with that, I say good night, lots to do tomorrow,

A TTC update!!

2009-06-15T23:16:00.002-05:00

Well we have officially been trying again for 15 months. I have seen many women who've lost their precious baby after we lost Tristan get pg again, some of which have lost their babies again, and have gotten pg again.. While I am beyond ecstatic for these women, a part of me is so jealous!! lol!! Who in the world would have ever thought that we would still be here ttc this long? We sure didn't, but now we have a small glimmer of hope.....
We did a semen analysis
FSH
TSH
and we're doing an HSG on Friday the 19th!! I can't wait, I really hope it pulls up some blockage, so that way I at least have something of an answer. Dr. H said depending on what the hsg looks like we'll do clomid!! Whoo hoo, we're finally getting somewhere!!

This is all I have for now, hopefully I will be updating soon, very soon with the results!!

16 months

2009-05-21T11:51:00.002-05:00

Hi Tristan buddy, it's been 16 months since you've been gone. You're missed daily and hourly sweet boy!! Your daddy and I love you so much. It's been a very long 16 months, but then some day's it seems like only yesterday. Mommy still at times gets phantom kicks ( I think it's more gas than anything, but boy does it feel like you used to). We're not the same, we're totally different, but we're more appreciative now, of life, of love, and of God.. We both believe that God brought you to us for only a short time, if only to bring us closer to Him, you've done amazing work in your daddy's and I life sweet angel. I won't lie, life would be much much brighter with you in it, but we know and believe that God has greater work for you! And maybe even greater work for daddy and I. We now see the light differently as we see the dark differently. I talk to you a lot, I wonder if you hear me. I do wonder what life would be like with you here, what you would be like. Would you look like your daddy still? Would you be talking up a storm? Would you be running? I often wonder what you would do or be like.. What foods would you like or dislike.. Would you have your daddy's unruly hair? Or my straight as a board fly away hair? Would you be a lefty or righty? What size clothes and shoes would you be wearing? Would you be a daddy's boy, or momma's boy? So many unanswered questions, and idea's... I miss you so very much... You should see your ficus tree, it's getting so big.. So is your brother's and yours peace lily.... It's sad you know, all I have left of you boys are plants, and memories.. But I would rather have the memories than nothing at all my sweet angel!! The memories of you keep me alive and keep my spirit alive!! You were the most special gift I could have ever wanted, and you will always be mommies special little man!!
Daddy and I miss you so much, and love you even more Tristan Alexander Goodwin!!
Loving you always
Mommy and Daddy!!
Happy 16 months sweet angel, continue to fly on the wings of dragonflies...

Psalm 13...A psalm of David 1-6

2009-05-19T19:43:00.002-05:00

How long, O Lord? Will you forget me forever?
How long will you hide your face from me?
How long must I wrestle with my thoughts and every day have sorrow in my heart?
How long will my enemy triumph over me?

Look on me and answer, O Lord my God.
Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep in death;
My enemy will say, "I have overcome him,"
and my foes will rejoice when I fall.

But I trust in your unfailing love; my heart rejoices in your salvation.
I will sing to the Lord, for he has been good to me...

This says a lot, a lot of how I feel, and a lot of my love for Christ..

Trying to let go.....

2009-05-19T18:50:00.003-05:00

So many thoughts are running through my mind right now.. We're coming up on 16 months since we lost our Tristan, I still find myself searching for him in my dreams, yearning for him in my daily routine, and just plain missing him like crazy. There are no words to describe the way that I've felt these last 16 months. I've been beyond sad, mad, angry and I'm starting to feel bitter.. I just don't for the life of me understand life sometimes. I know that it's in God's plan, and I do have to say, lately my faith is really being tested..

I truly believe that everything I mean everything happens for a reason, and we might not know that reason, but God knows. God has our definite plan all mapped out already, before we're even born. But I am only human who is not the best Christian, but I certainly try. I am a baby when it comes to my Christianity, and I want to learn more, and seek his guidance. I just don't know what I might be doing wrong. I know there is a greater plan, I just sometimes wish He would let me in on it.. I know that we should not worry, Matthew 6:25-34 states this..
Matthew 6:27 Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?
honestly? noone can, but I believe worrying can take an hour away, it's taken several of my hours with it, and still I've come up with no answers.

I'm worried, because I don't know how we will ever have a family. We don't have a nest egg, savings, or anything of the like. And I've found out (even though I don't have the full info yet) that our ins. will not be covering any of the further tests that I will need. I have to let go of my worry..
Matthew 6:33-34 But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. 34 Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.
There is always tomorrow, and always next month.. I guess it's time to be honest with myself, I worry about everything, from money to my fertility. I have no idea what's wrong with me. I'm completely broken, (emotionally anyway). I just want a family, yet I feel so small in the grand scheme of things. I guess a family should really be the last thing on our minds with the way the economy is going. But I just can't let go of my dreams, I really don't think God would want me to, but maybe he does want us to chill?!

Right now I am reading a couple of things, 'The Shack' by William P. Young, it's a book about tragedy confronting eternity, although it's fiction, I've heard great things about it being a wonderful spiritual journey.. I am also reading 1 Samuel in the Bible, the story about Hannah, I have no excuse, but I haven't started it yet, but from what Pastor Tommy was telling us Sunday, it's a beautiful blessing of a woman being blessed. You know reading this, I am reminded of my feelings for Tristan, 1 Samuel 27-28 I prayed for this child, and the Lord has granted me what I asked of him. So now I give him to the Lord. For his whole life he will be given over to the Lord. And he worshiped the Lord there. I did pray for Tristan, from way before conception til God called him home and even afterward. I will never stop praying for Tristan, or my other children, who are in heaven as well.

I'm not sad like I once was 16 months ago, now I'm getting angry, and mainly I'm angry at myself, why did my body want to fail on us? Doesn't my husband deserve better?! I pray nightly and daily for God to bless us with a baby. Maybe I'm praying wrong, or is the unthinkable happening? Has God turned away from me, have I sinned to much? I can't believe this, I believe our God is a forgiving and loving God, and I know that he's cradling my sons right now, and he's leading me and Aaron and he's asking us to trust in him. I have to let this go, but how? I have to relinquish control, but again don't know how.... I feel like there is something wrong and I can not pinpoint it... Thank you for reading, and understanding my pain, or at least just considering my pain, and holding us up in your prayers....

Here we go again......

2009-05-13T16:01:00.003-05:00

Af is here, yet again, and the screwed up part about it? EVERYTHING was perfect!! Our bd schedule was perfect, my temps were perfect, everything was perfect, and another month, with no hope... Well I take that back it's not like there's completely no hope I guess I have some kind of hope since I have an appointment with the RE... Yeah but get this...AUGUST 6TH.. How will I ever make it? Guess I really have no choice, but hey hopefully we'll get some answers.. I just pray that this is fixable, whatever it is.. I just don't think that I can honest to God handle if the dr. tells me, We're sorry Mr. and Mrs. G. but there is absolutely no hope.... I don't want to hear those words. I truly believe they will send me over the edge. Hell I feel like I'm already tetering on the edge. I just can't understand or even wrap my mind around it. We've never had any issues getting pregnant, and now? Now it's been almost 13 months of ttc, and nothing.. I just feel like a complete failure as a woman. I just want to be a mother. Well I know that I'm a mother, but I want more, I want to be a mother to living children. Is that really too much to ask?! Have I been that horrible of a person that God doesn't see me fit? I'm working on myself in so many ways, I'm losing weight, eating healthy, been smoke free now for 13 months, and am so happily in love with my husband.. No my house isn't clean, laundry's piling up on the floor, what was supposed to have been Tristan's room is now a storage unit with a tiny walk way. My yard is full of leaves, there's cat food on the floor and dishes in the sink, is this why? I mean it can't be right? I know many slobs (related to a few) that have pig styes of a home and still have living children. Hell there are freaking crack heads that have more children than I've been pregnant, and the sad thing is they have custody of them. I'm not a druggie, I have a stable home, we have running water, electricity, cars, everything we need to make sure our child has a loving and stable enviroment to grow in. I want to teach my child, to love my child, to raise my child. I want to teach my child about their brother, I want to teach my child about Christ, and all that He has done for us. I want to teach my child how to say their abc's. I want to teach my child how to speak, write, ride a bike. Right now the way I see it, I will never be able to do this, ever.........

The Pit

2009-04-28T18:19:00.003-05:00

The day my child died, I fell into the pit of grief. My friends watched me struggle through daily life, waiting for the person I once was to arise from the pit, not realizing "she" is gone forever.

The pit is full of darkness, heartache and despair, it paralyzes your thoughts, movements and ability to ration. The pit leaves you forever changed, unable to surface the person you once were.

Some of my pre-grief friends gather around the top of the pit, waiting for the old me to appear before their eyes, not understanding what's taking me so long to emerge. After all, in their eyes, I've been in the pit for quite sometime. Yet in my eyes, it seems as if I fell in only yesterday.

Not all of my pre-grief friends are gathered around the top of the pit. Some are helping me with the climb out of the darkness. They climb side by side with me from time to time, but mostly they climb ahead of me, waiting patiently at each plateau. Even with these friends I sometimes wonder if they are also waiting for the pre-grief me to magically appear before their eyes.

Then there are the casual acquaintances, you know the ones who say, "Hi, how are you?" when they really don't care or really want to know. These are the people who sigh in relief, that it is my child who died and not theirs. You know...the "better them, than me" attitude.

My post-grief friends (and a rare pre-grief friend) are the ones who climb with me, side by side, inch by inch, out of the pit with me. They are able to reassure me when I need reassurance, rest when I need resting, and encourage me to move forward when I don't have the strength. They have no expectations, no memories and no recollection of how I "should" be. They want me to get better, to smile more often and find joy in life, but they also accepted the person I've become. The "person" who is emerging from the pit

Author Unknown

Psalm88 1-18

2009-04-28T10:13:00.003-05:00

O Lord, the God who saves me, day and night I cry out before you.
May my prayer come before you; turn your ear to my cry.
For my soul is full of trouble and my life draws near the grave.
I am counted among those who go down to the pit; I am like a man without strength.
I am set apart with the dead, like the slain who lie in the grave, whom you remember no more, who are cut off from your care.
You have put me in the lowest pit, in the darkest depths.
Your wrath lies heavily upon me; you have overwhelmed me with all your waves.
You have taken from me my closest friends and have made me repulsive to them. I am confined and cannot escape;
my eyes are dim with grief. I call to you, O Lord, every day; I spread out my hands to you.
Do you show your wonders to the dead? Do those who are dead rise up and praise you?
Is your love declared in the grave, your faithfulness in Destruction?
Are your wonders known in the place of darkness, or your righteous deeds in the land of oblivion?
But I cry to you for help, O Lord; in the morning my prayers comes before you.
Why, O Lord, do you reject me and hide your face from me?
From my youth I have been afflicted and close to death;
I have suffered your terrors and am in despair.
Your wrath has swept over me; your terrors have destroyed me.
All day long they surround me like a flood; they have completely engulfed me.
You have taken my companions and loved ones from me; the darkness is my closest friend.

I said a prayer and opened my Bible and this is what popped out at me, I read it, it felt like I was reading a page out of my own personal biography, the biography our Lord has written about me, so I thought that I would share with you....

Frodo.......a year later

2009-04-27T09:04:00.004-05:00

Frodo, my little Frodio!! (in a sing song voice)
I love you, I've loved you since the moment you jumped into my arms 2 years ago, 9/16/06, and you left us 4/27/08, my sweet Frodo, you were the most awesome cat that I've ever had the honor of loving, knowing and taking care of. You know, you were the most awesome cat that I've ever seen anywhere, it's like you were a little human yourself, you had a very unique personality, and attitude. I still have your mice put up, and still think of all the hours we played fetch.. (although you've never met him, Jasper is so much like you it's uncanny)! You have been missed for 365 days, you have been loved longer.. I know that you're with Tristan, Xavier, February, and Beowulf (pretty bird), have fun with your family til the rest of us can join you guys.. I love you kittie!! My sweet little orange furball you!! My Frodio!!

RIP MY FRODO.....ALWAYS WITH ME, I KNOW YOU ARE, I FEEL YOU!!

What's wrong with me???????

2009-04-27T08:54:00.002-05:00

Seriously?! What the heck is wrong with me? I am freaking broken..... My body no longer works.... Is it because I'm so much overweight? Is it because we're not meant to be?? WHAT HAVE I DONE WRONG??? why can't I get pregnant anymore?

My son has been gone for 15 months 15 MONTHS!!! That's a long freaking time........We have now OFFICIALLY been trying (off and on more on than off, and even when we say we're not ttc, we still do....it just happens that way...) for 12 months..... My cycles have grown longer, I'm getting hot flashes, and my biggest fear is proving true.... The minute we got home from the hospital last year, and we were alone I told Aaron, I pray with everything that I have, that we don't have to worry about secondary infertility, and look, my stupid fat ass can't even get pregnant! I feel like such a failure as a woman, I can't even give my husband a child, much less a living son to carry on his name.. I know I know I know, you don't have to say it, I hear it a hundred or more times a week!! IT'S all in GOD'S time..... Today is the anniversary of my favorite cat's death,and here I am feeling sorry for my freaking self over infertility, I swear I think my future is me alone in a house with a million cats, the woman in the neighborhood all the kids are afraid of, the woman with all the cats......
That will be me, once Aaron wakes up and realizes that I'm broken, and leaves me for someone that can give him a son, someone that will help him carry on the name.... I know this is probably not going to happen, but I think that he would be so much happier if I could give him children... I just want to make both of our dreams come true, and I'm failing miserably.......what's wrong with me?????????

EASTER

2009-04-12T14:45:00.003-05:00

What is Easter? Easter to me is the time of Passover, the time that Jesus rose from the dead.
But this Easter is something more, this is the 2nd Easter without my Tristan. Last year my heart was ripping out of my chest, this year it's different, the pain is definitely different, it's not as ripping as it is settled, a pain so deep in my chest and stomach, a pain that's so final. Tears are on the very edge of the surface as though anything can set me off in a frenzy of tears.

Tristan, it was hard this year, this year you should have understood a visit from the Easter Bunny, but there were no Easter Bunnies here this year. No brightly fun made basket with your name on it, no toys, no candy, nothing Easter in the house this year. No family gathering, no egg hunt, no big Easter feast, just daddy, the kitties, a movie, a roast in the crockpot, and me. It's so darn quiet. The sky's just as gloomy as I. The tears from heaven are falling as I type this, I know that's not you because I know there is no pain or sorrow in heaven, I know that you don't miss mommy and daddy, cause you really don't even know that we're gone, but sweet baby boy, we miss you so much, much more than you or anyone out there could ever imagine. I miss seeing you grow into a toddler, I miss seeing you smile, and I long to hear the words I love you momma, come out of your mouth, but those are sweet words I will never hear from you. I hear them in my dreams though, and I know that's you saying it!!

Please be close to daddy always sweetie, I know he suffers so many fears and so much anxiety. Keep him in peace knowing you're near! Tell Jesus to please take extra good care of daddy, mommy is worried about him. I love you son. And your daddy really loves you, he misses you so much!!

Mommy just wanted to wish you a very Happy Easter, Mommy is going to light a candle for you today on your memorial site, and if anyone reading this feels led to light a candle for you, and to send you their love, they can find your memorial site here..

Tristan, I'm sure you've met sweet baby boy Jackson Paul Guilliot, baby show him the way around, and teach him how to use his wings sweetie, his daddy used to work with daddy, and I know they love him so very much. I know that they hurt for him, and we are all so very sorry for his mommy and daddy and hate that any other parent would have to feel this pain.. send their family lots of angel kisses sweet pea!!

we love you so very much
Happy Easter sweet baby
Mommy and Daddy

PS please give Frodo, Beowulf, and Harley many kisses from mommy and daddy!!

We love you angel!

A new journey

2009-04-10T19:11:00.003-05:00

I just wanted to use this opportunity to introduce you to my other blog, that's right, I now have 2. I have had them for a while now. I title it the life of a stay at home wife, and continuing the journey of life being a stay at home wife. You never know what may come up! Like now I have some AMAZING new's to share!! I have only God to thank for guiding me in the right direction!!

Two really good things have happened the last few days!!
My best friend Amanda has asked me to be a part time nanny for her, While she works I will take care of her beautiful little girl!! H is the best kiddo I've been around in a while, she never ceases to amaze everyone around her, you will see me write a lot about this journey, and being around a little one, and the smiles and heartaches that may come with it, in my 2nd blog. Also in my second blog you will hear about another business journey I'm taking. I am so very excited to introduce you to your newest Independent Beauty Consultant for Mary Kay!! I can't wait to get my starter kit,and make new friends in the process of gaining financial success. All of these things will continue to be updated in my 2nd blog, instead of here. This blog is for my precious son, I will write normally only of him and our feelings about him, and of course his mommy and daddy's missing him. But I have a big feeling that a certain little boy, whispered in God's ear, to help mommy find the way she needed to go!!

I will enclose a link to my 2nd blog, I think if you click on the title of this blog it will even take you there, but just incase it don't, you can find it by clicking here.

One smart little boy.... Really makes ya think!!

2009-03-25T18:05:00.001-05:00

My Granny

2009-03-24T22:24:00.001-05:00

Prayers are needed for my Granny tonight, and tomorrow and for a while to come now. Last night, she was getting up to get my pa pa something and she fell and broke her hip. My brother and I were just talking this past weekend that we were worried about something like this happening, and look it did. I'm so sad for her and scared. From working in the nursing homes in my younger years, I know that her life will more than likely start going down hill from here. I hate thinking about that, but I'm no stranger to real life with the elderly, hence why I'm NO longer ever going to work in a nursing home again.

My granny is a strong and good woman, she's battled and won the fight with breast cancer, not once, but twice.. She's the woman that taught me to make chocolate chip cookies, she's the woman I begged (when I was 5) to bring her cows, and move into my bedroom.. I love my Granny, and even though it's been 3 years since I've seen them, I love them with all of my heart, she's an amazing woman. She used to sew like crazy, I remember every beginning of the school year, I would receive a box, and it would be full of clothes that she made for me..

So Tristan buddy watch over Great Granny M. as she goes into surgery tomorrow, and keep close to Great Papa, let him know you're near and drying his tears!! I love you sweet heart!!
Momma

14 months

2009-03-21T08:58:00.003-05:00

Wow, I really can't believe that 14 months ago I gave birth to the most precious little being!! It really doesn't seem as thought it's been so long, some day's seems still like yesterday, and some days' seem years ago! Do you hear me talking to you? I talk to you all the time! Do you hear me singing to you? I do that too! Do you feel me loving you? Cause there's not a second go by that I don't love you! But one thing I've tried letting go, and thinking I'm doing an ok job of it, is the grief!! I am always going to miss you, and wonder who and what you would be like, but I am not going to grieve you any more, I am going to let you and your brothers' and your kitty, and birdy play and I know that God said when we see you again it will only be as if you blinked your eyes, I believe that!! I know that the word also says' you feel no pain, sorrow, or hurt, so with that I am going to smile now, when I think about you.. I am going to laugh when I see your name,I will know that's your small way of saying hi mom! When a dragon fly passes I will say Hi buddy! My sweet dragon fly you're flying high!! Mommy loves you so very very much!!

Tristan's St. Patricks Bear

2009-03-18T19:02:00.003-05:00

These are just a few pictures that I took on St. Patricks Day!! Tristan mommy always thinks of you every day, and will always share every holiday with you!! I love you and daddy loves you so much!!
Love you always
Mommy

Smallest Wingless by Craig Cardiff

2009-03-18T18:56:00.003-05:00

Smallest Wingless Lyrics

PLEASE CLICK ON THE TITLE OF THE BLOG TO HEAR THE SONG, IT'S SO BEAUTIFUL, THIS SONG IS THE RINGTONE ON MY CELL,AND EVERY TIME I HEAR IT MAKES ME THINK OF OUR TRISTAN!!

a dream......

2009-03-16T10:49:00.003-05:00

Last night I had the best dream I've ever had!

I was on all fours praying, when the sky parts and Jesus' hands come down, and Tristan is in His palms, and He brings Tristan to me, and Tristan kissed me on my cheek, I woke up still feeling that kiss. It was so real!!! I still feel that kiss!!

This is the first dream I've had like that!! Thank you for coming to visit, I've really needed to see you!!

Plan of Salvation

2009-03-15T21:56:00.002-05:00

Thank you Tristan, thank you for sending us to church today, we got the very powerful message, and mommy can't thank you enough!!
We had a guest speaker today at church and the message he brought with him was so amazing, and really spoke to daddy and I.

This is him:

Pastor Wendell McGowan, pastors River City Church in Redding, California with his wife of 37 years, Lauretta. Pastor McGowan is a dynamic and fiery, yet compassionate preacher of the Word of God. Wendell has the heart of a Father with an evangelistic thrust. Although he walks in a diversity of gifts, he operates mainly in a prophetic anointing. God has also used him in spiritual warfare, and in the laying on of hands for healing. One word that best describes Wendell is PASSION. He has a passion about everything he does. We believe God is using Wendell to help mend a net for the end time harvest.

Click here for full Biography

Just an amazing service today, he had daddy lay his hand on mommy's womb today, while he prayed over us, and son, thank you for allowing us to let you rest, and move forward, thank you for the time we had you!!

I know that now I have to let you go, I will never forget, BUT it's time to allow the grief to leave. Thank you Jesus, for showing me confirmation.

Plan of Salvation

The following scriptures from the Holy Bible will help you to understand God's desire for every person.

Romans 3:23

For all have sinned, and come short of the glory of God;

Romans 6:23

For the wages of sin is death; but the gift of God is eternal life through Jesus Christ our Lord.

Ephesians 2:8

For by grace are ye saved through faith; and that not of yourselves: it is the gift of God:

1 John 1:9

If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins, and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.

Romans 10:9

That if thou shalt confess with thy mouth the Lord Jesus, and shalt believe in thine heart that God hath raised him from the dead, thou shalt be saved.

Romans 10:10

For with the heart man believeth unto righteousness; and with the mouth confession is made unto salvation.

Acts 4:12

Neither is there salvation in any other: for there is none other name under heaven given among men, whereby we must be saved.

Revelation 3:20

Behold, I stand at the door, and knock: if any man hear my voice, and open the door, I will come in to him, and will sup with him, and he with me.

John 3:16

For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life.

Mark 16:16

He that believeth and is baptized shall be saved; but he that believeth not shall be damned.

Acts 16:31

And they said, Believe on the Lord Jesus Christ, and thou shalt be saved, and thy house.

Acts 4:12

Neither is there salvation in any other: for there is none other name under heaven given among men, whereby we must be saved.

Acts 2:21

And it shall come to pass, that whosoever shall call on the name of the Lord shall be saved.

John 3:17

For God sent not his Son into the world to condemn the world; but that the world through him might be saved.

John 3:18

He that believeth on him is not condemned: but he that believeth not is condemned already, because he hath not believed in the name of the only begotten Son of God.

2009-03-08T14:19:00.002-05:00

Now I lay me down to sleep, I pray the Lord my tears to keep.
My baby sleeps in Heaven's arms, peaceful with angelic charm.
Lord, take my tears, but grant me a kiss, but grant me a kiss
from the angel baby I so miss.....

found on lafemmebonita.com

I fell in love with it!!

2009-03-04T22:39:00.003-06:00

Tristan,
HI buddy, God sweetheart, I just want to hold you so badly in my arms. To hug your neck, and kiss your cheek would just be heavenly.. I miss you so badly tonight, well every day and night really, but tonight, as I sit here listening to the music I picked out for your blog, I just want to hold you.. I want to be your mommy still, that's all I have ever wanted. I picture you running up to me with your arms held up, saying mommy lub eww, something that I will never get to hear.. I see Harley growing, and I know you're only 6 months behind, but I see all of her milestones, and know that I will never experience that with you. I want to see you put your arms around your daddy's neck as you play. God Tristan mommy loves you so much, I miss you terribly.. I still don't understand why you? It's still not fair, and I still want and need you here, but I have accepted and moved on from the thought of actually having you back, I know that's not going to happen, and I know too, that you've never really left me, not really, your still around, I do feel you close to my heart.. Even though there's a huge Tristan sized hole there and it aches every single day for you. I know that you're at peace, and I'm at peace knowing that, but the selfish part of me is still so strong.. I know that I will see and hold and kiss your cheek again.
Missing you always, and LOVING you more
Mommy
♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥

It's been almost 14 months since we lost our son, and every single day of the last 13.5 months has been the biggest challenge of our lives. So many things have happened in the past 13.5 months it's almost silly really. But on a good note things are starting to look up for us, I mean A was only laid off for 2 weeks, and he since has a job, even though it was a pay cut, but we've also got 2 vehicles now, and I have the option of going back to work. I've been seriously debating this as I know I need the freedom from my grief as well as my house, and my couch, there is a permanent butt imprint on my couch from sitting in the same spot day after day for the last 13.5 months. I have gotten out, which I really need to write about that in my other blog. I still battle the sleepless nights, I stay awake online all night, til at least midnight the latest was 3, it's ridiculous, but I deal. My house has suffered though, although I'm slowly getting it caught up!! We've also found a beautiful church home!! I'm so excited about that!

Wow I can't believe after 2 months of no crying I broke down like I did tonight, I think everyone's great and wonderful news around me, the children's milestones, the births, the new pregnancies, the new words, why can't I have any of that? I just feel so overwhelmed with emotions right now, a lot of confusion, and a little jealousy. I can't believe that we've also been trying to have another baby for a year, and nothing, not even one pregnancy. I'm really beginning to wonder if this silence of the "womb" is the answer to the many many prayers I've prayed, is this the sign I've been searching for? Am I not intended to be an earthly mother? I just wish HE would let me know a definite sign..something that won't make me question it.

How long do we continue to try before giving up? We've been going at this for what 3 years next month? And all we have are 3 angels to show for it. I pray every night that God would bless us with a family. I'm getting close to my breaking point. You know I can accept that some people just aren't meant to be parents, maybe we fit that category.

Yes I am feeling a little sorry for myself I'm sorry, it happens sometimes. I just want to be a mother to a living child so badly, and don't know what the heck I'm doing wrong. I guess I'm a little emotional for a few reasons. I'm about to start my period, which just goes to show another failed month... and A isn't exactly putting out lately... so I'm feeling a tad bit on the worthless side tonight...

My Love!!

2009-02-16T13:48:00.002-06:00

Hi my angel, mommy loves you sweet boy!! Day's have been so different I've been a lot brighter. I think of you and smile. I remember those days' of you kicking, and hiccuping, I am so grateful for the time that mommy got with you, we got to bond in a way that no one else did. I felt your every move. I love you so very much. You were very wanted sweet heart, I don't want you to ever forget that and how much you were wanted. I find peace now. I Find peace in knowing that you are resting in Jesus' hands, and that you and Jesus are watching over daddy and I, and that when we are missing you (which is every second of every day) we know that all we have to do is look up to heaven and know that you are safe and secure in His love. And when the warmth of the sunshine kisses my cheek, I envision that being the warmth of your baby kisses.. when the dragon-fly's follow us, that's really you following us, when the birds chirp, that's you playing with them, and when the wind blows, that's you flying near.

We visited a new church yesterday, we visited, and felt right at home and led to be there. The pastor of this church is Pastor Tommy Faulk, he is the pastor that did your memorial service, and he made mommy and daddy so proud, he talked about you just like he knew you, and loved you, and son, a love like that is the love of God.. I knew then that I wanted to visit the church, if only to say thank you, only God knew that He had led us into that building yesterday to worship, and praise Him!! And son, yesterday I thanked him again for you, I thank him every chance I get for you, because Tristan, even though you're not here buddy, I know that you are a true blessing to us. I love you sweetie.. I love you so much, and I miss you every day..

You know there are still day's that I feel guilty for feeling so good, but I think that's going to happen for a long time, it's really weird, if I don't think about being happy then it don't bother me, but if I sit there and think about it, like wow it's been a while since I've cried, then I start feeling a bit guilty! I know it's silly, but I think the more I become accustomed to this new me, that's it's normal grief. Because even after a year, I still grieve for my Tristan, he was my every dream..

always

2009-01-30T10:34:00.005-06:00

Good morning Tristan, mommy just wanted to stop by and write to you, to tell you I always miss you! I always love you! and I will always keep your memory alive!! I will always talk about you, and I will always treasure your memory!!

I will always teach your brother and sister's about you. I will always keep you with us.

I just wanted to let you know that even though I've been in a happier place, and I am so ready to move forward and feel the happiness, peacefulness, and calmness, does not mean you're forgotten, or will ever be. I will always write to you and about you in this blog, and all your sites! I will forever and always love my precious boy!! Your daddy will always love and treasure you too!

Daddy and I want you to know that as things move on, and we become stronger, we will always talk to you, we always will carry our little dragon-fly with us.

We love you sweet-heart!! Mommy made another blog, the basic life of a stay at home wife, our journey to parent-hood and beyond. We hope that you carry us with you, through this, and that you will always watch over us!! I hope that we always make you proud, and happy. We love you Tristan.

Love you forever, always, and never letting go,
Mommy and Daddy.

always

2009-01-30T10:34:00.004-06:00

Birthday smile box scrapbook

2009-01-22T19:32:00.001-06:00

Make a Smilebox scrapbook

Birthday smile box scrapbook

2009-01-22T19:32:00.000-06:00

Make a Smilebox scrapbook

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MY SWEET ANGEL!!

2009-01-21T22:47:00.004-06:00

Tristan,
One year ago today you were born way to soon in the most traumatic way and you were gone. I remember that day like it were yesterday, and I NEVER imagined that I would have made it. I had my doubts that daddy and I wouldn't make it, and we did, we made it through the hardest year of our entire lives. A lot of this year went by in a blur, of sadness, and raw grief.. Today we revisited those ghosts of last year, we took 2 cakes to the hospital along with some balloons.. 13 to be exact, but 1 decided to pop in the truck!! It was funny actually cause we had just discussed how many we were going to get, 12 for the number of months that he's been gone, and one for friends far and well far!! (From as far north as Canada to as far south as Florida, from the West coast to the east coast and in between.) Well because I'm not the biggest fan of odd numbers, (I know I'm weird)I bought 14 balloons. Well 1 popped so like Aaron said, guess our little man really wanted 13!! LoL!! I hope you enjoyed the balloons and the little bear!! We love you so much, and we've missed you so badly this year, and son, we will continue to miss you always! What I wouldn't give to give you birthday kisses myself, but I hope you caught the kisses mommy and daddy sent to you and send to you all the time!! Baby, I don't know how we made it, but we did, and we are so proud to be your parents, and we will always keep your memory alive sweetie! Daddy and I promise you that!! Your brother's and sister's (IF we're blessed) will know about you, we will celebrate your birthday every year with balloons and cake!! We love you sweetie, Rest well and know that one day mommy will hold you again, and I envision that feeling of you in my arms again! I love you son. Please stay close to daddy and I, always!!
Love Mommy <3 <3 <3 <3 xoxoxo

Our Social worker, Ms. Mary, released the balloons with us, She is the sweetest and most loving woman that I could have ever asked for taking care of Tristan. She was so gentle and caring.. She definatly made an impact on Aaron and I's loss. I baked 2 cakes both the same, white cakes filled with bavarian cream, I made the awareness ribbons, with Tristan's photo in the center of the ribbon, and a plaque made out of white chocolate. We gave one to the antenatal nurses, and to the social workers. They all LOVED it.. After we released the balloons and visited with Ms. Mary a bit, we had a date at Olive Garden, where we were able to talk, and it was a wonderful talk, we talked about this last year, and where we are in our grief. We talked about the strength our marriage has gained for making it through this most challenging time. As other bereaved parents will tell you, the loss of your baby/child, is very straining on a marriage. Sadly Not all make it, I really thought ours was doomed after loosing Tristan, because I've always had a track record where nothing good ever stays around,. But my record changed with Aaron.. And I give all the glory to God!!

I wonder now if things will be easier, if I won't fall into the pit as much. Will I finally be able to move on? I'm ready to move on and feel the sunshine again. I want to feel free, of the pain, but not the memories. I know that I will still have hard times, but I pray that God will continue to carry me through the tough times! I am looking forward to starting my "new" year, I know that I will probably never like January, but I pray I don't always shut down during the month as I did this year..

I am looking forward to becoming more organized, both financially, and household wise!! I'm ready to clean out the nursery, and get it ready for a hopeful future rainbow baby! I presently have it as a storage room!!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MY SWEET ANGEL!!

2009-01-21T22:47:00.003-06:00

2009-01-15T20:09:00.003-06:00

Why does the pain seem so fresh and new? Why does it seem I lost you only yesterday when in all truth you've been gone now for 11 months and 25 days... I hurt so bad. My heart feels like there's an anvil just sitting on it. I have been doing well in my grief, I've been seeing the sunshine (this don't mean I felt it). I just can't shake this feeling, this drowning feeling.. I don't know how to explain it. I feel like someone has ripped my soul into. I know that God is carrying me through this, but there are times that I feel alone. All I've ever wanted in life was love and children. I have always had this dream that I would be a better mom than I had, and my husband would be a better dad than I had. Our chances seem like they keep getting taken away and it's not fair.

2009-01-15T20:09:00.002-06:00

i miss you terribly......

2009-01-14T22:22:00.005-06:00

Hi sweet angel I can't believe it, you're almost a year old!! I can't picture you at a year, I still see that sweet little 4 lb baby boy they placed in my arms.. I love you my son...

I'm sorry I had to cancel your party, this is the one day that I had hoped that certain people could put differences aside and cope, but nope they couldn't, I couldn't chose which one of your grammy or grandpa could be there, I shouldn't have to, so I canceled, I'm not going to be the one responsible for hurt feelings, I can deal with my own barely..
I'm sorry that I don't get to kiss your little cheeks, I'm sorry I didn't get to see any of your firsts.... I love you so much, I'm pretty much nothing without you. I really haven't been me at all. I hurt constantly. I have no motivation, no drive, and here I am on a year coming in a week, one week from today to be exact..I still wake, and lay in bed wondering why bother getting out of bed.. But yet I make myself get out of bed, and come to the computer, where I have actual contact with the outside world. I fear I might be becoming some thing of a hermit. I really like being in my house. I hate it outside, out there it looks all bright and happy, when my heart is still dark and deep mourning. Just goes to show that everyone's world went on without you, and everyone expects mommy to move on with them, yet it's hard cause it feels like I'm leaving you in the distance, you're out of reach. I just want to reach out to you again, pull you closer to me. I just need the world to slow down. I can't keep up. I don't have the energy.
I don't do much of anything anymore, I barely post on any of my boards, I barely pay attention to tv. I just look and stare at your pictures, and wonder where in the world has this year gone? I sit here and feel like it took me with it.
You are everything. You are the most beautiful child in my heart and in my eyes. (of course mommy is a bit biased). I know that I will never get the answers as to why, but I know that you're ok. I really believe that NOW! I know that you are in good and loving hands.. I love you son.. Right now mommies having a hard time seeing through the tears so I will continue my letter to you tomorrow my love..
Give your brother's, Frodo, and Beowulf mommy and daddy's love,
kiss grandmaGoodwin, grandpa Goodwin, mawmaw Henley, great granny Henley, grandpa Warner. Tell cousin Louis to visit his momma, she really misses him!! Give everyone there in heaven our love sweetie, I wish I could kiss you good night, but I hope you catch the kisses daddy and I send to heaven.

Loving you more than there are stars in the sky
Love,
Mommy

i miss you terribly......

2009-01-14T22:22:00.004-06:00

Excerpts from a book

2009-01-11T20:16:00.004-06:00

Remembering With Love
Messages of Hope
For The First Year of Grieving And Beyond
by Elizabeth Levang, Ph.D. & Sherokee Ilse

The Early Days
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A Death Has Occurred by Paul Irion
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
A death has occurred and everything is changed.
We are painfully aware
that life can never be the same again,
that yesterday is over,
that relationships once rich have ended.
But there is another way to look upon this truth.
If life now went on the same,
without the presence of the one who has died,
we could only conclude that the life we remember
made no contribution, filled no space, meant nothing.
The fact that this person left behind a place
that cannot be filled
is a high tribute to this individual.
Life can be the same after a trinket has been lost,
but never after the loss of a treasure.
_______________________________________________________

Numbness
"It is as if a darkness blankets my feelings. I am numb to the world."
Dan Laik, in memory of a special friend.

At times our emotions may become so intense, so overpowering, that we begin to feel as if we are numb, out of touch with everyone and everything around us. The numbness may feel like a heavy, dark cloth that blankets all emotions. It may cover the raw feelings that assault us and momentarily soothe our confusion and pain.
That numbness is a sign for us to rest----physically, mentally, and emotinally.

It is okay to feel numb. I will temporarily give way to theis numbness and let it give me time to revive and renew myself. I can rest.
~*~*~*~*~*~**~*~*~*~*~*~**~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~**~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~**~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~**~*~*~*
Approaching the Anniversary

"Many days have passed since he left. The weeks flew by, and it is now getting close to that time of year that is both sad, yet joyful: the anniversary. It is so hard to let go fully."
Suzanne Knopf, in loving memory of her son, Jamieson Sean

The days before the anniversary of a loved one's death can be an anxious and sometimes stressful time. We may look back on this as the longest year of our lives, or it may seem hard to believe that a year has almost come and gone. We may recall the violent pain as if it were only yesterday. Seeking to put an entire year behind us, we may have tried to wish time away. Now that it is almost upon us, we may scarcely be able to believe it.
At this time, the joy and sadness of our loved one's life and death often combine and bring forth deep emotions. We can find ourselves more tearful, angry, or especially sensitive. we wonder if we should try to put all this behind us as we prepare to begin a new year.
Although a year is significant, it is not the end of grieving or the automatic beginning of a new, happy life. Nor is it something to fear. It may be a turning point. For many of us, it may mean we survived longer than we thought we could. Soon we head into the second cycle of everything; the second Memorial Day, Thanksgiving, holiday season, Mother and Father's Day, and other significant occasions.

I will allow myself to feel the pain and the joy of the upcoming annivesary of my loved one's death. I need not fear this day, but can feel hopeful about it.

These are just a few, this book is really awesome and I highly recommend it to everyone out there, because everyone has experienced the loss of a baby, mother, father, uncle, aunt, sister, brother, grandma, grandpa, etc, We've all lost someone that we love, this has the perfect words for how you're feeling..

Excerpts from a book

2009-01-11T20:16:00.003-06:00

2009-01-11T19:23:00.005-06:00

I don't know where to begin the thoughts are going a million miles an hour.. I can't sort through them enough to even focus on daily activity.. What's wrong with me? Am I going crazy, has everything finally made me slip over the edge of no return? I feel like I'm going insane, I thought by now I would not feel so crushed still. I thought that maybe laughter would come A LOT easier. It does come easier, but I was expecting it to be easier than it is. I know that probably doesn't even make sense but to me it does.

I seem to have fallen back down that dark pit wall as soon as Christmas was over. I am dreading yet looking forward to Tristan's birthday. I'm stressing on it, mainly because I'm inviting my mother and my father. They're going through a nasty divorce, so it's stressful to ask them to be around one another, guess we'll see how it goes.

A part of me feels silly for having a "birthday party" but then I get so mad at myself for having those feelings, it's not silly, he's my son.. I want to celebrate his life, he lived for a wonderful 33 weeks.

I remember those 33 weeks, I was so terrified to do anything. After our first 2 losses I felt so honored and so blessed that God had finally blessed us with a living baby, we just knew this baby was coming home, because we had made it past that most dangerous stage, we made it through the 1st trimester. The 2nd trimester was awesome, as my belly grew, the stranger my hormones were, I remember crying one day over the silliest thing, and for the life of me I wish I could remember that. I remember wanting barbecue sauce so badly that everything I ate I had to put bbq sauce on it.. Oh and lets not forget the cereal, he would just kick like crazy like he was the happiest baby ever!! I remember that every time I would try to get him to move for his daddy, he would stop!! I remember freaking out because he was getting the hiccups like every 5 minutes, the dr said that's cause he's going to have a strong set of lungs.. If only we'd of known?! I remember the day that he died, like it were yesterday, that was the FIRST and last time that he had ever woken me in a dead sleep kicking the crap out of me, I LOVED it!! He tumbled around til 10:30ish am, that was his normal time of a morning to calm down til around 2ish, but God had something else in store for our little Tristan that day.

I remember the whole day every grim detail like it just happened, I wonder if the memories will always be this detailed, and painful. I remember when Ms. Mary asked me if I would like to hold my son, and the feeling that rushed in me like honestly woman how stupid do you have to be to ask me if I want to hold my son?! I didn't fully understand, I was in complete denial, I didn't believe Dr. H when he told me there was no cardiac activity, no way, we had made it through the first trimester this couldn't be happening; so when Ms. Mary asked me that, I wanted to see for myself that he was alive, he wasn't/couldn't be dead. But he was, he was gone from our lives, our precious beautiful Tristan. I felt so much compassion at the moment Ms. Mary laid him in my arms, and she touched my hand as she handed him to me and told me that he was the most perfect, most beautiful baby that she had ever seen, and that the nurses all cried while bathing him because he was so beautiful, and they found the most perfect outfit for him, he looked so handsome, just like a little prince.

I can't believe and don't know how I've made it this past year without my son, but it hurts like hell. I think the pain is so much different now than it was even in the first weeks, the pain is so freaking different, yet, so much the same.

2009-01-11T19:23:00.004-06:00

a letter from heaven....

2009-01-09T20:14:00.002-06:00

Dear Mom and Dad,

I wish that I could have said "good bye". It sometimes seems unfair that I was never able to say "hello".

I'm OK now; everything is better. I miss you and always will, but I believe we will be together again, in time for all time. Right now, though, that seems likely an eternity. In time it will be for an eternity.

Please, remember me, use my name, tell my family and your friends about me. Never forget me or pretend I didn't exist.

Thanks for all you done for me. Mom, thanks for putting up with all of the changes in your body; thanks for everything you shared with me. Thanks for talking to me; I know your hopes and dreams for me. Thanks for the songs you sang, and for those gentle pats you gave me while I was floating inside you. You may not realize it, but the rhythmic contracting helped me rest peacefully and reassured me. As I grew I could feel your heart beating better and better, and it gave me such a wonderful sense of comfort.

Thanks for tears you shed for me. I know you did everything you could for me and I am fortunate to have you for my Mother. I am sorry for the sadness and sorrow you have suffered.

Dad, thanks for being there for Mom and me, it must have been so hard for you, trying to be so strong and brave for Mom, when you were confused, upset and afraid yourself. I will miss growing up with you, wrestling, being tossed in the air, just sitting on your lap learning how to use the TV remote control. Please don't ever forget about me. I will never forget about you.

If there is something that I have learned, is that you will not find the answer to the 'why' of all of this, not now anyway. God did not make this happen, but He will help you live, love and laugh again. Sometimes that can seem very difficult when you hurt and want so badly answers.

I want you to live today; be happy. Bring laughter back into the house. Dare to dream again. You know so much better than many that life is often so short and unpredictable. Tomorrow is never guaranteed.

I would rather this be all a very bad nightmare, but I can't do nothing to change that now. However, you can make something good out of my death if you use it for an opportunity to love each other a little bit more, and reach out. There are so many hurting people out there who need a hand, or a hug or a 'hello' or just someone to listen. Don't be afraid to admit that you may be one of them. Be gentle with each other.

On a clear, still night, look for me out there in the peace and quiet. Look up, not by the Big Dipper or the Milky Way, but over there in the corner of the sky. See that small, twinkling you never noticed before?

One more thing before I go, thanks a lot for everything you did for me. Thanks for caring and sharing. Thanks for trying and crying. I love you lots. And Mom and Dad, "good bye", "good bye for just a little longer."

Love you
Tristan

a letter from heaven....

2009-01-09T20:14:00.001-06:00

Tristan's first birthday

2009-01-01T00:31:00.002-06:00

Custom Countdowns & MySpace Layouts

Tristan's first birthday

2009-01-01T00:31:00.001-06:00

Custom Countdowns & MySpace Layouts

A NEW YEAR! A NEW BEGINNING!

2008-12-31T23:48:00.004-06:00

First let me say this has been one hell of a year, this time last year I was so excited, only 4 more days til Tristan's first pictures... I can't believe I'm already here at this point in our journey with out our son.
A year in review
2008
Jan. 1-Happy New Year, 30 weeks pg
Jan. 21-Happy Birthday Tristan, you were born sleeping today...
March. 31-our 2nd wedding anniversary
April 10- Aaron quit smoking
April 11- I quit smoking
April 19- my brother attempted suicide
April 20-I turned 30
April 27- my favorite cat Frodo died
June 16-my mother and father's marriage ends
Sept 1-Hurricane Gustav
Sept 22-30 my mom moved to her own place
Oct 9-15 vacation to Oklahoma
Nov. 4- a moment in history has been made, our first black president Obama is elected.
Nov. 25 our pet parakeet Beowulf passed away after living a happy and fun 8 years
Dec. 31-11:59 it's here the end of a year that was yet so hard, and so sad, I pray that 2009 brings us health and happiness, and most of all I pray that God blesses us with a baby this year.......10... 9.... 8... 7... 6 ...5 ....4... 3... 2... 1...
HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!!!

A NEW YEAR! A NEW BEGINNING!

2008-12-31T23:48:00.003-06:00

Missing you, loving you, and mourning you..for 350 days.....and forever more..

2008-12-16T18:02:00.007-06:00

Tristan, my little guy, my monkey, my dragonfly, my son.. Your daddy and I miss you so much, I feel like we're mourning so much like we were in those first few days, and weeks.. It really feels like that band-aid has been ripped right off of mommy's heart and it's bleeding for you so badly it hurts, I mean it physically hurts.. This year has been so hard sweet heart, I guess with things that have gone on this year I can be great-ful you didn't have to live through most of it, although the very selfish part of me wishes you were here. Your angel friend Macayla's birthday is Thursday, and I can't get her or you off my mind.. And today I hope that you helped that new little angel find their way and that you are playing with that precious soul now.. Son I don't know why you had to go, that has not been revealed to us, although at times I'd like to think I know the reason's why, but then I find myself blaming myself all over again.. I hope that you know I miss you everyday, I love you so much, and would give anything to feel you in my arms this Christmas season. To watch you oohing and awwing over the Christmas lights, you chasing the kitties around, cause I'm sure you'd be close to walking but I'm really sure you'd be superman with your crawling, or better yet a mini little speedracer!!

I can tell that Daddy is really missing you too, he looks so heartbroken and I know that you're with him every day, send him lots of extra loving sweetie!! I've got you all set up by Santa I hope you like it there.. I had visions last year of us pushing Santa's hand over and over again telling the Christmas story, My God Tristan I miss you so very much!! We've gotten a few ornaments for you too, Mommy's friend Kristin sent us one, (the silver one) and Mommy's other friend Jess sent us the other one(clam with a pearl in it), they are both in memory of you.. You have so many people sweetie that love you, and that you have touched. You are a beautiful boy, and you will always be that 4lb baby boy I held in my arms, 350 days ago.

Missing you, loving you, and mourning you..for 350 days.....and forever more..

2008-12-16T18:02:00.006-06:00

One down 2 to go...

2008-11-28T15:10:00.003-06:00

Holiday's that is, I've been anticipating this time of the year since the beginning of last year...Yesterday (Thanksgiving) was wonderful, but also very hard too, the whole day, I felt as though someone was missing, and they were, my son, my dad too, but honestly I missed Tristan more than dad!! We mom, bro, Hubby, and I had a very nice time, My dinner consisted of Turkey perfectly stuffed and roasted, mashed potato casserole,giblet gravy, green bean casserole, beets, candied asparagus, yams, and rolls, my relish tray consisted of pickles 3 different assortments, sweet, dill, and bread and butter, we had pickled okra, black, and 2 kinds of green olives, jellied cranberry, deviled eggs, a wonderful pasta salad, fruit salad and pumpkin pie. We watched House all day as it was the House Thanksgiving Marathon, a HUGE and WONDERFUL break from the normal holiday football... Mom, bro and I played Uno attack, and it was a blast, funny and frustrating that game is!! We all stuffed ourselves, as is normal holiday feast tradition!! It was also a nice distraction, but sadly every hour on the hour I would silently think of what I was doing that time last year, what I was feeling, the tumbles, the bloops, the faint feel of hiccups, the sheer exhaustion (I was falling asleep in a dinner chair last year), this year I had a little more energy.. I had remembered telling Hubby when I was cooking dinner last year, Tristan will be tasting this next year. And this year, I wasn't feeding Tristan this year, but I was thinking of him all day!! I didn't cry, surprisingly..

Christmas is next, I'm thinking about putting away all harvest decorations and bring out Christmas decorations tomorrow while Husband is hunting..This will be hard, I've got Tristan and Frodo and even Beowulf stockings in my Christmas stuff, it's going to be tough.. I just have to push through this, and just do it, it's one step closer to healthy healing!! Knowing and finding comfort that my precious boy is resting in Jesus' arms and that I will be rejoining him one day!!! And who knows maybe little Tristan and his brother's, and our wonderful loved ones that have passed, including our pets, will see us and see our decorations for them this holiday season from Heaven! I find comfort in that thought, even if it's not true!

New Years is next 2008 will be over and it will be 2009, wow a whole year that I was just numbly living through is over, will I continue to feel numb, or will a spark come back? Will we be blessed, or will we continue to have more heartache? A new beginning is what we think every new year is, but when tragedy strikes in the beginning of that New Year, what are you to do? I welcome the end of this last year to come, but I too dread for..............

20 days later, I will be celebrating and mourning the best and worst day of my life.. Some will ask, how can the day that you gave birth to a dead baby be any part of the best day of your life, would not your wedding day be the best day of your life? You're right, my wedding day was the best day of my life, as I joined my life with my soul mate, my best friend, and my love.. But January 21, 2008 at 1:37 my son entered this world, albeit, he was not breathing and his heart was not beating, I met a beautiful baby.. I was so happy to have known him for 8 months 33 weeks when I got a + test I was in love, my love deepend the day I held him in my arms... It was the most horrid day of my life, because I knew that my Husband and I were not bringing our beautiful son home..... He was gone.. Jesus called him home to be with Him...

One down 2 to go...

2008-11-28T15:10:00.002-06:00

Tristan..

2008-11-25T20:59:00.003-06:00

Today, I seen a blog that I would read they are To write their names in the sand, they are a couple in Australia that write baby's names in the sand, they too know and understand us as bereaved parents feel.. So I'm going to share with you, my beautiful Tristan's name in the sand, all the way across the continents in Australia, it's beautiful!!!

http://namesinthesand.blogspot.com/2008/11/tristan-alexander-goodwin.html

Tristan..

2008-11-25T20:59:00.002-06:00

When will the year end?

2008-11-25T16:04:00.003-06:00

Man the words are really pouring out of me now, the feelings the emotions... I have yet to take my meds today, mainly cause I want to feel this, I need to feel this. I miss my son, I miss my cat, I miss my bird, I miss my parents marriage, I miss the people my husband and I were on Jan. 1 2008. We were so happy, only 2 more months and we should had been meeting our son, instead God had different plants for only 20 days later we met him, he came into this world sleeping... We buried him on Jan. 27, 2008, 3 months later in April, April 19 to be exact my brother attempted suicide,April 27, 3 months to the day of Tristan's funeral, Frodo, our precious little cat died, June 16, my mother and father get into their final fight, my mother's arm is broken, their getting a divorce, Today, we woke up to our budgie, our parakeet, our sweet and LOUD Beowulf.... gone......when does it end, also this year, we've dealt with immense grief, to the point it's causing my wonderful and loving husband to have severe anxiety......... I just want a break, and everyone wonders why I have such headaches, such a weight gain get out and exercise they say. You need to get out more, why in the hell did this entire year have to be so damned hard?? Why can't the pain lesson, why is when the pain does start lessoning why does something else have to come up to make that pain so raw again? What have we done to deserve this?? I can't stand it, I just want to climb up on my roof and scream to the heavens ENOUGH IS ENOUGH!!! I've suffered enough Father, I'm on my knees begging for relief please stop this pain!!! Please please stop taking everyone, and every loved pet from me!!!

I'm sorry for my crazy ramblings, I just can't for the life of me understand what is going on, and why do I feel like my little family here is being picked on?? This has been one of the worst years of my life!! My 2 years of marriage has endured a lot we've been put through some tough tests!! I hope this indicates a part of our future you know the security, and stability part of our future, we have certainly made it through some times that would seperate some couples.......

I just do know that something has to give, I pray nightly that the Lord will hold us always....

When will the year end?

2008-11-25T16:04:00.002-06:00

Beowulf the Budgie

2008-11-25T09:11:00.005-06:00

A perfect bird, he was so awesome, he passed away this morning sometime in the early hours.... He was so amazing and did things that most parakeets don't do. He surpassed so many obstacles. He was awesome!! He was beautiful!! He was 8 years old. A parakeet has a normal life expectancy of 8-10 years, so he fulfilled his lifespan. We had hoped for longer time with him. But I know now he's flying so high, he isn't flying in circles anymore, yes he flew in circles!! And never was graceful at landing, lol.. He would headbang to Metallica, when OU played he tried so hard to whistle the fightsong with me, he would get so excited... When he wanted more millet he would let ya know in not such a happy voice.. He was the most beautiful blue!! He would talk to us, told us he was a pretty bird.. Tell us he loved us.. Gave us kisses.. Beowulf was special, he will and was the most awesome bird ever!! I've never had a bird before him, and will probably be the only bird I own,(don't know yet) we will forever love our budgie boy!!

Beowulf we love you sweet budgie, you're our pretty boy today, and forever!!

Beowulf the Budgie

2008-11-25T09:11:00.004-06:00

Feeling lost

2008-11-24T18:29:00.004-06:00

I've felt lost these last few weeks, I couldn't put my thoughts out on the screen, I can't sleep.. I've been dealing with tons of headaches, and personally I think they're from the insomnia, and tension, I've been really oh what's the word, anticipating, there we go, I've been really anticipating the upcoming holiday's. I do hope that what they say is true, that the anticipation is the worst.. I hate that my little guy isn't here, even if he'd of been born on time in March, I was prepared that Tristan would be old enough to eat mash potato's, green beans, some turkey, I think he would have been just like his daddy, and eaten a little of everything. I was so anxious for the day after Thanksgiving to see his little eye's light up when we brought the tree out and started putting up all the pretty lights, except now, my house is in disarray, I have no motivation, and no want...

This year is weird on so many levels, my son is gone that's the worst. My parents are seperated and divorcing, so this Thanksgiving is really different, I won't be spending it with my family like we do every year, so instead of having my whole family over for dinner because I'm the traditional host of Thanksgiving dinner, only my mom and little brother will be coming over, yes I succumbed to still be the host, I want to continue living, but another part of me really really just wants to stay in bed, under the covers.. I will do my cooking, usually by now, I've got cookies done etc. I have NOTHING but the shopping done.. I hate this..

Now what am I thankful for? I'm so very thankful that God has allowed me to live and that he didn't take me and our son away from my husband. I'm thankful the Good Lord has blessed me with a wonderful loving husband, I'm thankful that He has supplied us with our basic needs, and a roof over our head. I'm very thankful that God has given me stability..

I'm sad for many reason's too, so does that counteract the thankfulness? I'd like to think no, but my mind isn't always sane in thinking.....
I'm sad my son is dead, I'm sad that my parents are getting a divorce, I'm sad that my father would rather spend Thanksgiving with his girlfriend, (or as he told me once his "new" family) rather than his kids.. I'm sad that my husband is dealing with so much anxiety. I'm sad that I can't sleep, I'm sad that I have headaches every day along with back pain and tension. I'm sad that instead of celebrating Thanksgiving with a 10 month old little boy, I'm celebrating another Thanksgiving with no children...
I'm sad that my bird is fallen ill, and will probably not make it through the end of the week. I will be very blessed and thankful if he does, he's only 8!!

Tristan, I love you so very much, your daddy and I think of you often, infact Creed's arms wide open, we have the hardest time listening to that song now, it has such different meaning to us. You were our everything son, you were our dreams. There isn't a day go by without you in our hearts. I hate that we can't spend this time with you, I hate that I have to send kisses to heaven instead of planting them on you myself. I would give anything to just hold you in my arms again, to see your daddy hold you. That kills me, I NEVER got to see you in your daddy's arms, except once, and that was the final time we got to say goodbye, I had such a hard time touching you you were freezing cold, you had been in the freezer, but we kissed your beautiful cold lips, and that my son is the only time I seen your daddy hold you, even though he was the first to hold you, I didn't get to see that because the dr's were working on saving mommy... I know you're close, we feel you in our spirits we feel you in our hearts.. You Tristan will forever be our first born, and we will NEVER allow anyone to forget you.. We will teach your brother's and sister's about you from the very beginning.. We know we have a special little angel in you watching over us.. We will forever love you sweet heart..
Love you forever,
mommy and daddy..

Feeling lost

2008-11-24T18:29:00.003-06:00

Why?

2008-11-20T20:03:00.004-06:00

So today is the day before what would have been your 10 month birthday.... I love you so much, and I miss you terribly....I can't fathom what the holiday's are going to be like it's killing me inside.....
I have tons more I want to say, but can't seem to get the words out right now.. Just know that daddy and I love you so much, and wish that you were in our arms...... I miss you...

Why?

2008-11-20T20:03:00.003-06:00

A Poem from a beautiful mommy.....

2008-11-17T12:51:00.002-06:00

A Mother's Love
A mother's heart is never empty.
From the time she knows, 'til the day she dies, she loves them all.
She never forgets those who were lost.
She always remembers each of her children.

A mother's arms may be empty, but she remembers every feeling.
She remembers the joy she felt, the sorrow she experienced,
all for her children. She would give her life if that were an option.

A mother's love is never ending,
From the moment she learns, as her child grows.
They tell her to forget, but she cannot. They tell her to wait,
but she will not. Only she knows, she and God.

She will see them one day. The angel will stand before her,
holding a precious bundle, telling her
to open her arms to the child she loved, lost,
and has found again. She will cry tears of joy.
Knowing the child will grow up without pain, without sorrow.
And she now has the chance she didn't before,
To express the love she feels for her child,
to thank God for this precious gift.
Stephanie Kay Suranyi

Copyright ©2008 Stephanie Kay Suranyi

Stephanie, thank you so very much, this poem says it all the emotion, the feeling and the sorrow a mother feels.. Thank you for allowing me to post this, and thank you so very much for sharing with me. You are an amazing writer, and an amazing soul!! Thank you...

A Poem from a beautiful mommy.....

2008-11-17T12:51:00.001-06:00

Happy Halloween, or is it????

2008-10-31T10:50:00.003-05:00

Today would have been Tristan's first halloween I'm sad cause I was really looking forward to dressing him up as a little lobster also this means that the "real" holidays are coming, as is his 1st birthday.. I hate these firsts, why us? Why anyone? I know that he's getting the best sweets today, and I'm kinda jealous of Jesus, cause Jesus gets to take my little guy trick or treating to all the other angels. I know my son is in good hands.......

Well son, mommy loves you and God knows I miss you terribly. I wish like nothing else in this world that you were here today.... Daddy and I miss you so much, we love you more than anything in this world!! You are our light, you are our saving grace son... YOU have been such in inspiration to so many!! I love you sweet boy!!

Happy Halloween, or is it????

2008-10-31T10:50:00.002-05:00

9 months......

2008-10-21T09:08:00.004-05:00

9 months, wow, that is a long time, yet such a short time.. 9 months ago today I held the most beautiful child in my arms, my son... He would have been trying to walk, definately eating solid food, talking. I honestly can say I'm in a much different place today than I was a month ago, or even 9 months ago.. Although that pain and feeling is still so very very fresh in my mind, I know that I'm healing, and I have God to thank for that! I realize now that it wasn't God who took our son, it was the enemy trying to make me hate God!! I realize that now, it took me a while, but it's true! There isn't a time, a day, a second that goes by that Tristan isn't on my mind. I have been blessed with that little guy, and I've been blessed with a beautiful memory of a sweet angel.. I do know that without the Lord on my side I wouldn't have been able to make it this far. This last 9 months has been hell, but we've come out on top, and are really really ready to move forward, and become parents again, I know that Tristan is busy helping Jesus to pick out that perfect soul for his daddy and I.. I trust that!!

Tristan today on your 9 month birthday sweetheart know that mommy and daddy loves you so very very much, we miss you every second of every day, and we know you're with us always! Be strong sweetie, mommy will be there one day to hold you again, but this time, I know you'll open your eyes, and you'll breath in that heavenly air!! I love you sweetie, mommy loves you so so much Tristan!

9 months......

2008-10-21T09:08:00.003-05:00

our lil man

2008-10-03T23:01:00.002-05:00

Make a Smilebox scrapbook

our lil man

2008-10-03T23:01:00.001-05:00

Make a Smilebox scrapbook

Everywhere I go, Every where I turn

2008-10-01T19:33:00.003-05:00

There another woman is that is pregnant, or there is another infant or baby there, every where, even in my virtual life. I promise you, I've known of 3 births, and 5 pregnancies and 1 miscarriage.. I just want it to be me again, I want to be pregnant again, I want to feel life inside of me. I want to bring that life home to raise, and teach about Jesus, and life, and love.

I don't mean to sound like a spoiled brat, or ungreatful for what I've been given, however I would love a living baby. I'm so very greatful that the Lord allowed me to know and love my son for the beautiful 33 weeks. Now almost 9 months later, I want to be pregnant again, I want to be a mommy. All of my friends are getting pregnant, or getting their live rainbow babies, and I'm so very thrilled and beyone ecstatic for them, but where's mine? When is it my turn? What does everyone else have that we don't have?

I can't say that I'm not a little jealous cause then I would be lying, I'm totally jealous, 8 months ago my son was born still, I at least thought I would be pregnant by now. But alas here I am still trying. Although truthfully I wasn't fully trying but only for 3 months now. We weren't preventing though, which shows me that I'll never get pg by surprise.. How awesome that would be.

Now on to other area's of my life, I've practically been away from the computer since Monday 9.22.08, I've been helping my mother move out of what used to be my parents home. You see, after 28 years of marriage my parents are divorcing. Things don't always work out for everyone I guess, I know it's been really hard on my mom. I can't really tell from my dad as he never shows emotion. Well things haven't been the best for some time now between them and things did turn violent over time, and ended with my mom getting her wrist broke, I wasn't there so I don't know fully what happened, but I do know that no matter what happened, NO bones should have been broken, nor should they have had to end on this bad of a note. I think sometimes there are some people that just kinda grow apart, instead of together and as sad as it is, I know that my momma will laugh again, she will/can live again, and be herself. She can decorate her house any way that she wants to without having to ask "can I?" I know things are going to be better it's just hard seeing it all unfold.. Watching/helping her pack her belongings was most definately one of the hardest things I've ever had to do..

Oh and on my trying to conceive note, Aaron and I were both kinda sick and busy during my fertile week so no ttc this cycle, I think we made love once and that was 4 days before time!! So although there's a slight chance I doubt/nor do I think I will be seeing anything but good ol' aunt flo this month. But that's cool, cause then we get to have a little halloween fun, and make a lil' pumpkin of our own!!

Everywhere I go, Every where I turn

2008-10-01T19:33:00.002-05:00

I MISS YOU

2008-09-11T12:50:00.003-05:00

How do I go on? Why do I go on? Why did you leave me? Did I do something to anger you? I don't understand. God say's he's all about love, yet he took you away from me. God says he don't put more on you that you can handle, yet he took you away from me. God also states that he don't want to see us hurt, yet again he took you away from me. I'm angry. It's not fair, you've got girls out here that's herione addicts, meth addicts, alcoholics, and they're babies live. Why not mine? I did NOTHING wrong.. Why did God allow my body to fail you Tristan?? Why do we have to continuously suffer pain and anguish when there's people out there that don't deserve children, who kill their babies, throw them in dumpsters to die, abandon them, and they're blessed with a beautiful baby, it's not fair. We prayed and prayed for a healthy living child, yet God didn't answer those prayers, he did the opposite and took our precious living child away from us. What did I do God? Why don't you answer me? I've begged for an answer as to why? Why us? Why my Tristan??
I've asked you numerous times Lord what did I do?? Still you don't answer me. Are you so angry with me that you sit up there in silence when it comes to me and my prayers?? How have I angered you, what can I do to change it?? I just wanted our son, you blessed us with him for only 33 weeks, yes I'm greatful I got to know him that long, but I'm hurt, angry and confused as to why YOU father took him from me, his mother.. Do you not see me as a fit mom? Do you see me like my mother's?? Well I'm not them, I am NOT going to be the same mom.. Give me a chance Lord, let me prove to you that I will be the mother that you want me to be. A mother that teaches her babies about you, a mother that will love her children til the day you call me home, a mother that will not allow ANYONE to emotionally or physically hurt her children... I want to be the mother that you have invisioned and foreseen me to be. Lord I love you, but I'm so very angry with you for taking Tristan away from us. Please forgive me for being angry, I can't help it.

Tristan,
mommy loves you every second of every day, you were and are my every thought, my every feeling and my every emotion. I wish things would have been different, I wish that this halloween I was dressing up my little lobster. I wish that I was kissing those chubby little baby cheeks, and hearing you coo and say da da da da and ma ma ma ma, and any other little sounds and words you might be saying by now. I wish I was watching you crawl chasing after the kitties, and me chasing after you. I wish that I could see those big brown eyes, that beautiful little smile that I seen in your ultra sound. I wish, thats' all I can do, wish. I wish upon every star I see. I wish upon every dragon fly I see. You are my little dragon fly son, and I know you're busy playing with Frodo, but your daddy really needs to feel you close, can you please come visit daddy sweetie, and mommy too if you get the chance. I hope the reason we haven't had a visit is because you're up there helping Jesus pick out your little brother/sister.
baby mommy can't wait til it's my turn to come see you, when Jesus calls me home I can't wait to hold you in my arms again. I will forever remember how you felt in my arms, so perfect, yet so lifeless. I love you Tristan Alexander! I love you with my heart and soul!!