Our Journey.....

January 2001, it was a cold, blistery, icy day in Oklahoma City, the day my future husband asked me to be his girl!!! March 31, 2006 was our wedding day.. We had decided that since we'd already been together for 5 years that we would immediately start trying for a baby. So in April that's what we did.. It took us 3 months and in July we were looking at a positive pregnancy test.. It was the 5th of July.. I remember thinking the 4th that I had to of been pregnant, as the beer just tasted horrible and I was wanting to sleep.. That pregnancy was not the easiest.. We started bleeding from the beginning, it was diagnosed a subchorionic hemorrhage.. It was a huge blood clot between the uterus and placenta.. Well fast forward to 12 weeks after getting off bed rest and having no more bleeding.. We had an ultrasound to find that our precious baby had passed on 3 weeks before.. I had what they called a missed abortion (you won't see me use this term as I HATE it..) So I had to schedule a d n c for the next day.. That morning around 4 am I woke up to severe pains and bleeding only to find out that my body had finally realized that it was miscarrying, so we got bumped up a few hours to do the d n c.. Our dr. sent the 'remains' off to the lab for genetic testing and he called a few weeks later to tell me that our baby was a healthy baby boy.. We named him Xavier Ahren. He was 9 weeks 5 days and our d n c was on 9/19/06.. We were told we could try after our first cycle, so we did, we got pregnant 4 months later, we were excited, yet nervous.. There was no bleeding and our number's were progressing well. Well at 5 weeks we had an u/s.. Nothing but a sac. We were told to come back 2 weeks later, at 7 weeks we went back and still there was only a sac, but a second sac was visible now too..The dr. thought he had seen a second sac at 5 weeks but we didn't think nothing of it.. We were told to come back in a week.. We went back at 8 weeks 3 days, still only a sac, that was starting to shrink, and the second sac completely gone.. We were diagnosed with a blighted ovum and decided to do a d n c right then instead of waiting.. We were devastated, again....We call this baby (well what should have been a baby) February, we needed closure.. well I needed closure) 4 months later, June 27, 2007 could it be? Yes it is, a big fat positive, I couldn't believe it, whoo-hoo we were pregnant again.. I was nervous as all get out, could barely stand myself I was so nervous. We had slight spotting at 5 weeks and went to the ER, only to be told we had a slight subchorionic hemorrhage, you can about guess my nerves shot straight through the roof, great here we go again.... I prepared myself to lose this baby too, but wait, it's 12 weeks and we're still pregnant, and there's a heartbeat?!?! Wow, 19 weeks and it's a BOY?!?! Is this for real? Is this really happening? We're going to be parents for real this time? Little did we know what God had in store for us....... January 21, 2008, Martin Luther King day, Monday, and the beginning of our 33rd week.. Everything started out great, Our little boy had woke me up at 5 am having a little kick-boxing tournament, this was the VERY FIRST time this had ever happened. I went about my morning, got on the computer, was fixing to start chatting with some girlfriends of mine, when I got the most oddest, most painful cramp I've ever gotten.. In all honesty I thought I had to go to the bathroom.. So I finished typing out what I had to say, and headed to the bathroom, the only thing was the pain was overwhelming, I was literally on my tip-toes.. (if I knew then what I know now, I would have just started pushing right then.... :( ) I sat down and hear a pop, gush....My first thought was Oh shit, my water just broke, I'm only 33 weeks, and we still have 7 weeks to go, ok, we can deal with NICU.. But then I look down.. The image I seen will forever haunt me, blood, and lots of it, I've never in all of my life seen so much blood as I did this day.. From here everything went down hill and FAST!! I stood up, grabbed some tissue and put it between my legs and ran to the living room, grabbed the phone, and called my husband, I was so scared, and deep inside, I knew he was gone...But I get a hold of him.. We talk he leaves work.. Well not thinking of the holiday it was I called my dr's office, no answer, I'm starting to feel faint and light headed, so I lay down on the floor, I called the ER and told them what was going on, all they could say is "why are you calling the er?" I just hung up.. Aaron called and was on the phone with 911 when he walked in the house.. He helped me to the living room couch where I laid down and was in so much pain, more pain than I ever imagined possible.. The paramedics showed up. finally.. Well apparently I got the pick of the day, 2 of the most ignorant, most hateful, degrading, pieces of crap people to come help us.. One was a rookie, and the other was a jerk.. The jerk asked me if I was pregnant? Duh, I'm 8 months freaking pregnant!! I'm huge!! He then says "Are you bleeding?" My reply was yes, his was well you miscarried......WHAT?!?! You're seriously going to tell a freaking 8 month pregnant woman that she just miscarried.. I already hated the idiot.. He then asks me if I can get up on my own and move to the gurney, sure I say, and as I do I throw up, he then thrust this bag in my face and say's "throw up in here not in my bus, I just cleaned it" they then proceed to wheel me out of my house, with no blanket on, just panties and a t-shirt.. I asked for my own blanket. Then they wheel me over the stepping stones instead of picking me up and carrying me, this hurt like you wouldn't believe the pain is still very vivid in my mind.. We'd already told them 2 times they've asked what hospital we were going to, twice, Women's and children's.. they get me in the ambulance, and pull out.. They didn't give me oxygen or anything except an iv. of saline.. I keep feeling the need to pass out, and gushes of blood coming out of me.. I told him that I felt like I was going to pass out, and he said there was nothing he could do, I was already laying down. So about this time I look out the window wondering why it's taking so long to get to my hospital, the idiots took me to the wrong hospital... . I keep feeling the need to close my eyes...just go to sleep.. Well they FINALLY get me to Women's and Children's, and upstairs to Labor and Delivery, where I coded, on the spot.. I remember the nurse checking me, and her saying that I was dialated 2 cm, and trying to find Tristan's heartbeat, it wasn't there.. I remember looking to Aaron and saying he's gone honey, my baby's gone, and Aaron, and the nurse both saying no he's probably hiding.. then I vaguely remember hearing Aaron say her eyes are rolling and the nurse saying Oh shit (as she hits the wall) and saying I need help in here.. (Later found out she called a code blue on me).. The next memories are in and out, and still comes back in flashes.. I remember waking in this room, very cold, and 2 people above my head, one woman on man, and I hear them saying we need to intibuate and start cpr, where is everyone at? I remember my dr. Dr. H standing next to me saying "Hi Shannon, it's me Dr. H and there's no fetal heart activity we need to operate immediately to find out where the bleed is before we lose you.. Then I felt him cut me, and everything went black.. The next thing I remember is waking up in the recovery room, looking up and seeing Aaron's face, and knowing that something was VERY wrong.. Then our social worker, Ms. Mary asked me if I would like to hold our son.....This was the first time I seen my little boy, he was gone, lifeless, but the most amazing creature I've ever seen, the most beautiful little boy.. Beings that I had a c section I had to stay in the hospital for a few days.. We were released, on Jan. 24, 2008 and it was hard leaving that hospital with only plants and a memory box full of Tristan's belongings, yet leaving him there.. This blog is full of the last 2 years and the years of battling infertility, and our journey to parent hood, if it's meant to be..

Friday, October 9, 2015

It's been a while.....

https://youtu.be/araU0fZj6oQ



   So much has happened since last writing, I don't even know where to begin. We all know after my mother died, life got a little out of control, my brothers addiction swallowed him whole and he skipped out to another state, leaving, abandoning every thing he owned, including my mothers truck, (which still sits idly in my yard).. I have no idea where he is, or if he's ok. Nothing changed between my father and I, he still turned my grandmother against me with his and his wifes lies, but that's there burden to live with, and I kinda hope their lies against me torture their every breath, I hope they see me in their dreams and are tormented with the lies, and hurt they've caused. I hope he gets everything that is deservedly coming to him. I have come to despise the man, so much so, that I rarely even think of him, I don't ever remember him truly loving me, as I was always a "liability" and a product of the woman he hated. My birth mother. He only took me away from them (my REAL family) to punish and hurt them, he never wanted me, he actually wanted my mother to abort me, that alone, says it all..... But his family still sticks behind him, believing him, because you know, I'm just a trouble maker..... Anyway enough of him, the subject makes me literally ill to my stomach. I just hold on to God, hoping and praying he protects those little girls from the man that abused me for YEARS.... My grandmother passed away disliking me, and not wanting to see me because of the awful lies he filled her head with. She and I used to be soo close til my dads wife came into the picture. But, evil comes in destructing everyone, and everything in its path, and that is exactly what she did. She got his kids removed from the picture... Anyway, evil can stay with evil as I officially and unequivocally wash my hands of them. I don't know how I will feel when the man dies, all I do know, is that IF and when we have kids, he will never know them, IF anything were to happen to me before he dies, he is NOT allowed at my funeral, or to know anything about me. That is the official point I am with the man who is nothing more than a sperm donor, controller, mental, verbal, psychological, and sexual abuser. I no longer hate him, I actually don't have many feelings left for him..

   April 2015, my paw paw asked me to come to his birthday party, he turned 87 this year, and being his birthday buddy, it was the best thing  for me to be able to spend our birthdays together, even though his mental capacity is slowly leaving us, he was happy, content, and had his family around him, and for him, there is NOTHING more important than his family. He is the most amazing man, and should have been the man that raised me, (since both my parents were useless) He is my hero, he is the man I always looked up to, and I miss his fatherly/grandfatherly advice. He has an official diagnosis of Alzheimer disease.  We know it's genetic, as I believe his brothers and possibly his father passed from this disease. I know that all of us in the family are in line for this horrible disease, but the most heartbreaking, is watching a man that doesn't deserve this awful disease being consumed by it. I love my paw paw more than anything in the world, and I know it's going to be one of my hardest losses when the day comes. He's progressing so quickly. Refusing showers, food, it's scary hearing about it, and not being able to be there to help my aunt. Who let me say is the most amazing woman I've ever known. She has a hardened exterior, but the love she has for all of us shines through (just don't tell her you want a pop :-P)  She is an amazing selfless person, she quit her job to come home and take care of her father, which her older sister can't even put the bottle down long enough to help, or spend a sober day with her father. It makes me sick.
Well, after his party, and my weekend there, I come home to find that my ex best friend totally neglected my animals after promising to take care of them for me. They were not fed or watered the entire time I was gone. She lied saying my dog snapped at her, and IF my dog did snap at her, that tells me she hit her, or tried to hit her (which she better hope to hell I never find out she did, because hell hath no fury like a furbaby momma). I should have known, I should have followed my instinct, deep down I knew she had changed, become the most selfish person I had ever met. She changed when she met her now husband, became this person that thought her shit don't stink, and that she's better than everyone around her. So, I ended a 10 year friendship with a narcissist, was the BEST decision of my life, as God moved in another woman, that has become the best I could ever wish for, she is my girl soul mate! I have 2 now, never thought that was possible. my childhood best friend has and will remain my soul mate, as we're sisters, not just friends... It amazes me that life, time, moving, and so much more happening never changed the way we are. After almost 10 years of not talking or knowing where the other was, myspace helped us reconnect, and omg we picked up right where we left off. I love you Nikki!!!!!!

  May 2015  my husband gets laid off, it hurt, it sucked the air out of me when I got home and seen him standing there, and there was no work truck, I knew.... He was adamant that he would have a job within the week, and normally he would have, but we were unprepared for the hiring freeze that simultaneously was taking place in the oilfield. Little did we know that behind the scenes the oilfield was tanking.  Lay offs were happening by the hundreds/thousands. Little did we know this was only the beginning..

  June 2015 my husband is still looking for work, bill collectors are calling, banks are calling, and we can't pay them.. its the beginning of the end it seems. All the rumors going around that the oilfield may not see light til 2017 wow, what the hell is going on here?? Savings are pretty much depleted at this time.....We're denied unemployment.......

   July 2015 my husband has found work, it's very low paying, at $8.00 an hour, how are we ever going to survive... Oh well, it's a check, we try and modify our mortgage to be told, "I'm sorry, you just don't bring in enough..Well last month Aaron tried filing for food stamps, they never sent the package we were supposed to fill out, Aaron is calling almost every day and keeps getting the "we will have your case worker call you, in the mean time get in your portal" well that would've been great had the site been working. FINALLY a case worker called, only to tell us we make too much money now.. But over a month with no job, and no food didn't count for anything....... But we survived it....

  August 2015, Aaron is still going on interview after interview, all empty promises, all smoke screens. My favorite interview he went on, was them trying to get 'free work' out of my husband.. It truly is sickening..... Now, embarrassingly, we had to dip into our IUI donation money, heartbreaking to say the least, but more so embarrassing.  There seems to be no light at the end of the tunnel.  We're now in active foreclosure.... we're losing it all, and there's no help, no bank, or bill collector wants to work with you.....

  September 2015 life just seems to be getting harder... But wait, there's light, Aaron now is looking at 2 jobs.... 1 that he would really love, 1 that he would be doing exactly what he loved doing. They actually hunted him down... Only to find out later that they can't hire him at this time. Ugh, seriously, how many more roadblocks are we gonna have to hit head on....
The other job he did take, they did hire him, but he works 7 days a week 12 hours a day, for an hourly wage.. Praying this is the answer to help us save our home, I pray it's enough to modify our mortgage....

Now we're in the beginning of October, and I am seeing first hand how badly the oilfield crash here is affecting all businesses.. What is normally extremely busy days in the grocery store, especially football days, we're beyond slow.. I now worry about other industries starting to lay off people.. I just pray that it doesn't come to it.. I stay in prayer, I stay in faith, but as a human, I do falter, I do wonder and I do question things. I know that's not always the right answer, but it's hard to not question what's to come. We have our whole life wrapped up in our home, we have fought and worked so hard to keep our home rooted... We have over 40 animals that we love with all of our hearts and souls, that we just can't see uprooted from the only home, and humans they've ever known. I kind of feel like we're being forced to get rid of our "4-legged kids" they may just be "animals" to some, but to Aaron and I, they're our family, they're our kids, our babies. They're cared for (very well mind you), clean, healthy, and very very loved, and they know it. They're so comfortable (including the outside 'ferals') that when they sleep, they sleep so soundly. They love to cuddle, they love to drive us crazy, be under foot, and raise hell, but they keep our home a home, they keep laughter alive (although we do a pretty good job of that together), they keep us on our toes for certain. I've been asked several times, how do I remember all their names, it's pretty easy actually. They each have their own personality. We lost one, and that was beyond heartbreaking, because due to the layoffs, we couldn't afford bloodwork, but she was being treated for urinary infections. I asked my vet if it could stem from being neglected and going without food and water for 3 days. She said the stress from that very well could have caused the urinary infection, which in turn caused her to quit eating.  I have a hard time not placing blame on my ex best friend for the death of Hermoine, but that is a burden that she has to carry, but she likely don't care, because it doesn't affect her personally. I know that I can't fully blame her without actual proof that the neglect killed her, but that won't happen. And I won't give that person the satisfaction of knowing that once more her actions hurt others... She don't care, never has.... Hermoine died in my arms.. I delivered her the day she was born, and I held her the day she left this world. I still tear up thinking about my precious little Hermoine and the suffering she went through that last day as her organs shut down.... But I digress, she's with Tristan, Xavier and February now... I hold on to that.

Speaking of my babies, how can I part with them? Why should we have to?? My oldest is 11, 10, 9, and on down..... It's not fair to them or us.  And I know most of everyone is just like "its just an animal, you have to take care of you first" but then I ask, if you were in the situation we are in, would you get rid of your 2 legged human kids??? No? Oh, but we're expected to get rid of our 4 legged kids..... If we lose our home, I don't know what we're going to do. I am scared, Aaron is scared, stress is an understatement, but God is strong and God is awesome, and God continues to carry us through this mess. I know that somewhere at the end of the tunnel there has to be a light, we just can't see it... I also want everyone to know, that even though we had to use the monies donated for an IUI to survive this layoff and no work we will replace that money, and we will eventually be able to go for IUI, I pray.....

Well, that's a pretty good synopsis of our lives at the moment.. If you have any prayers to spare, please pray for us, and every other family that is enduring this hellish journey as well, because there are thousands here in Louisiana alone....

#oilfieldwork #oilfieldwife #oilfieldlayoffs #oilpricestoolow #prayforoilfield #prayforwork
#foreclosure #homelessness #hunger #fear #ourbabies








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