Do you ever just want to run and hide? Curl up under a rock and forget life surrounding you even exists? Do you ever just want to hit that "go back to a certain date?" Well A and I find ourselves there once more. Only this time, we're not going through the death of one of our children, but something damn near as bad.
I never once imagined that we would be facing this day, I mean, we were preparing to do our IUI finally, and the rug was violently ripped from under us in a flash, I mean, quicker than the snap of a finger. Not only did I lose my once best friend (a choice not made lightly,) I can't lie however, I miss her kids like no bodies business, but, it is what it is, I pray for them all, even her.... Anyway, not only did I end that friendship, my husband lost his job, and I turned 37. So far, 37, is turning out to be equivocally as bad as the end of 29 and all of 30. Now, my husband being the provider, and hard worker that he is, has since found a job, which I consider more temporary than anything, it's a paycheck, and we're thankful to God for that opportunity, as everything else seems quite bleak.
According to the United States Government, we make too much for food stamps, but not enough for a mortgage modification. It makes no sense to me, why mortgage lenders, can't be like student loans etc. The ones that give a forbearance, or at the very least allow you to make any sort of payment arrangements. I understand that banks have to make money, however, they lose more money on foreclosures than they make, and in turn, they make families homeless. It breaks my heart, that they're not willing to work with families, it's not like we're going to stiff them, we just need a little help to get on feet. Mind you, I feel this should happen for anyone, in any career that faces unemployment. I feel if the banks, and government would work with the American people we wouldn't have such a high homeless rate.
I just don't understand, I don't understand how the oilfield just freezes hiring. A commodity. A need. A field that I was so naive to believe this couldn't happen again. I vaguely remember my parents going through the crash of the 80s but I don't remember losing everything. I don't know why I always thought there would be a NEED for my husbands field, for his talent, his skill, knowledge, intellect, etc. his dedication, and loyalty far exceeding most people. I guess I'm more naive than I thought. I guess I thought since there would always be a need for oil, A would have job security. Boy, was I ever wrong. Sure, if the open up hiring again, SEVERAL people want him, they just can't hire him. The interviews always seem so promising....To see the heartbreak, and look of defeat in his eyes every time he looks at me is gut wrenching.
Today we received the letter we knew was coming, but, it still sealed the fate of my family, and my hands are tied. I don't know what else we can do. I know that if we can't afford a $1200 mortgage how the hell are we expected to afford just as high in rent. And, who would rent to us with so many animals, (and before anyone starts in on how "expensive" having this many are, have you totaled up just 1 child? They are our four legged kids, and NO I have not "replaced" or "filled a void" with our animals, many started as rescues that I didn't have the heart to throw back out after nursing back. Then we fell into a small rut after my grandfathers funeral, and couldn't get them fixed before they started reproducing. And, well, I'm huge softie and couldn't throw the babies out. So there you have it as to why we have so many. And if anyone knows me, they know that we're facing one of the hardest things, next to losing Tristan, and I don't like this feeling. The feeling that I can't breath, that I could throw up any second, just the idea of them going to anyone else just kills me. God says he won't give us more than we can handle, but, man after 9 years of one thing after another, I'm at my breaking point.
I don't fear what this will do to A and I as a whole, what I fear the most, is what it is presently doing to us individually. I work days, he works nights, so we rarely see each other, but luckily we do have Mondays and Tuesdays together. I never imagined the day we got our key, that 5 years later, we would be facing foreclosure. I just wish there was help, or assistance out there for people in A and I's shoes. I just wish they would take small installments. I wish for a lot, but I pray we make it through this. I never imagined a day would come, that we wouldn't be able to afford our home, or a home in a safe area. But, God provides, and we are his children. I know that He will pull us out of this, I just wish I knew when, I wish I knew the fate of my babies, because I honest to God, can't stomach the idea of rehoming them, especially since I've had them all pretty much since birth. My oldest is 11, 10 9, etc.... How do you just dump your baby into a home, with strangers when they've been with you their entire lives?!?!?!?!?
I don't know what our future holds, I don't know when I'll feel like writing again, I just had to get this out, mostly written through tears of course. I just can't believe we're here that this is really happening to us. I don't understand why it seems we can't catch a break......But, I continue to pray, and to trust that God has better plans, (although I don't know how having to lose my babies could be part of a better plan. ) :( :(
I close this
January 2001, it was a cold, blistery, icy day in Oklahoma City, the day my future husband asked me to be his girl!!! March 31, 2006 was our wedding day.. We had decided that since we'd already been together for 5 years that we would immediately start trying for a baby. So in April that's what we did.. It took us 3 months and in July we were looking at a positive pregnancy test.. It was the 5th of July.. I remember thinking the 4th that I had to of been pregnant, as the beer just tasted horrible and I was wanting to sleep.. That pregnancy was not the easiest.. We started bleeding from the beginning, it was diagnosed a subchorionic hemorrhage.. It was a huge blood clot between the uterus and placenta.. Well fast forward to 12 weeks after getting off bed rest and having no more bleeding.. We had an ultrasound to find that our precious baby had passed on 3 weeks before.. I had what they called a missed abortion (you won't see me use this term as I HATE it..) So I had to schedule a d n c for the next day.. That morning around 4 am I woke up to severe pains and bleeding only to find out that my body had finally realized that it was miscarrying, so we got bumped up a few hours to do the d n c.. Our dr. sent the 'remains' off to the lab for genetic testing and he called a few weeks later to tell me that our baby was a healthy baby boy.. We named him Xavier Ahren. He was 9 weeks 5 days and our d n c was on 9/19/06.. We were told we could try after our first cycle, so we did, we got pregnant 4 months later, we were excited, yet nervous.. There was no bleeding and our number's were progressing well. Well at 5 weeks we had an u/s.. Nothing but a sac. We were told to come back 2 weeks later, at 7 weeks we went back and still there was only a sac, but a second sac was visible now too..The dr. thought he had seen a second sac at 5 weeks but we didn't think nothing of it.. We were told to come back in a week.. We went back at 8 weeks 3 days, still only a sac, that was starting to shrink, and the second sac completely gone.. We were diagnosed with a blighted ovum and decided to do a d n c right then instead of waiting.. We were devastated, again....We call this baby (well what should have been a baby) February, we needed closure.. well I needed closure) 4 months later, June 27, 2007 could it be? Yes it is, a big fat positive, I couldn't believe it, whoo-hoo we were pregnant again.. I was nervous as all get out, could barely stand myself I was so nervous. We had slight spotting at 5 weeks and went to the ER, only to be told we had a slight subchorionic hemorrhage, you can about guess my nerves shot straight through the roof, great here we go again.... I prepared myself to lose this baby too, but wait, it's 12 weeks and we're still pregnant, and there's a heartbeat?!?! Wow, 19 weeks and it's a BOY?!?! Is this for real? Is this really happening? We're going to be parents for real this time? Little did we know what God had in store for us....... January 21, 2008, Martin Luther King day, Monday, and the beginning of our 33rd week.. Everything started out great, Our little boy had woke me up at 5 am having a little kick-boxing tournament, this was the VERY FIRST time this had ever happened. I went about my morning, got on the computer, was fixing to start chatting with some girlfriends of mine, when I got the most oddest, most painful cramp I've ever gotten.. In all honesty I thought I had to go to the bathroom.. So I finished typing out what I had to say, and headed to the bathroom, the only thing was the pain was overwhelming, I was literally on my tip-toes.. (if I knew then what I know now, I would have just started pushing right then.... :( ) I sat down and hear a pop, gush....My first thought was Oh shit, my water just broke, I'm only 33 weeks, and we still have 7 weeks to go, ok, we can deal with NICU.. But then I look down.. The image I seen will forever haunt me, blood, and lots of it, I've never in all of my life seen so much blood as I did this day.. From here everything went down hill and FAST!! I stood up, grabbed some tissue and put it between my legs and ran to the living room, grabbed the phone, and called my husband, I was so scared, and deep inside, I knew he was gone...But I get a hold of him.. We talk he leaves work.. Well not thinking of the holiday it was I called my dr's office, no answer, I'm starting to feel faint and light headed, so I lay down on the floor, I called the ER and told them what was going on, all they could say is "why are you calling the er?" I just hung up.. Aaron called and was on the phone with 911 when he walked in the house.. He helped me to the living room couch where I laid down and was in so much pain, more pain than I ever imagined possible.. The paramedics showed up. finally.. Well apparently I got the pick of the day, 2 of the most ignorant, most hateful, degrading, pieces of crap people to come help us.. One was a rookie, and the other was a jerk.. The jerk asked me if I was pregnant? Duh, I'm 8 months freaking pregnant!! I'm huge!! He then says "Are you bleeding?" My reply was yes, his was well you miscarried......WHAT?!?! You're seriously going to tell a freaking 8 month pregnant woman that she just miscarried.. I already hated the idiot.. He then asks me if I can get up on my own and move to the gurney, sure I say, and as I do I throw up, he then thrust this bag in my face and say's "throw up in here not in my bus, I just cleaned it" they then proceed to wheel me out of my house, with no blanket on, just panties and a t-shirt.. I asked for my own blanket. Then they wheel me over the stepping stones instead of picking me up and carrying me, this hurt like you wouldn't believe the pain is still very vivid in my mind.. We'd already told them 2 times they've asked what hospital we were going to, twice, Women's and children's.. they get me in the ambulance, and pull out.. They didn't give me oxygen or anything except an iv. of saline.. I keep feeling the need to pass out, and gushes of blood coming out of me.. I told him that I felt like I was going to pass out, and he said there was nothing he could do, I was already laying down. So about this time I look out the window wondering why it's taking so long to get to my hospital, the idiots took me to the wrong hospital... . I keep feeling the need to close my eyes...just go to sleep.. Well they FINALLY get me to Women's and Children's, and upstairs to Labor and Delivery, where I coded, on the spot.. I remember the nurse checking me, and her saying that I was dialated 2 cm, and trying to find Tristan's heartbeat, it wasn't there.. I remember looking to Aaron and saying he's gone honey, my baby's gone, and Aaron, and the nurse both saying no he's probably hiding.. then I vaguely remember hearing Aaron say her eyes are rolling and the nurse saying Oh shit (as she hits the wall) and saying I need help in here.. (Later found out she called a code blue on me).. The next memories are in and out, and still comes back in flashes.. I remember waking in this room, very cold, and 2 people above my head, one woman on man, and I hear them saying we need to intibuate and start cpr, where is everyone at? I remember my dr. Dr. H standing next to me saying "Hi Shannon, it's me Dr. H and there's no fetal heart activity we need to operate immediately to find out where the bleed is before we lose you.. Then I felt him cut me, and everything went black.. The next thing I remember is waking up in the recovery room, looking up and seeing Aaron's face, and knowing that something was VERY wrong.. Then our social worker, Ms. Mary asked me if I would like to hold our son.....This was the first time I seen my little boy, he was gone, lifeless, but the most amazing creature I've ever seen, the most beautiful little boy.. Beings that I had a c section I had to stay in the hospital for a few days.. We were released, on Jan. 24, 2008 and it was hard leaving that hospital with only plants and a memory box full of Tristan's belongings, yet leaving him there.. This blog is full of the last 2 years and the years of battling infertility, and our journey to parent hood, if it's meant to be..