Our Journey.....

January 2001, it was a cold, blistery, icy day in Oklahoma City, the day my future husband asked me to be his girl!!! March 31, 2006 was our wedding day.. We had decided that since we'd already been together for 5 years that we would immediately start trying for a baby. So in April that's what we did.. It took us 3 months and in July we were looking at a positive pregnancy test.. It was the 5th of July.. I remember thinking the 4th that I had to of been pregnant, as the beer just tasted horrible and I was wanting to sleep.. That pregnancy was not the easiest.. We started bleeding from the beginning, it was diagnosed a subchorionic hemorrhage.. It was a huge blood clot between the uterus and placenta.. Well fast forward to 12 weeks after getting off bed rest and having no more bleeding.. We had an ultrasound to find that our precious baby had passed on 3 weeks before.. I had what they called a missed abortion (you won't see me use this term as I HATE it..) So I had to schedule a d n c for the next day.. That morning around 4 am I woke up to severe pains and bleeding only to find out that my body had finally realized that it was miscarrying, so we got bumped up a few hours to do the d n c.. Our dr. sent the 'remains' off to the lab for genetic testing and he called a few weeks later to tell me that our baby was a healthy baby boy.. We named him Xavier Ahren. He was 9 weeks 5 days and our d n c was on 9/19/06.. We were told we could try after our first cycle, so we did, we got pregnant 4 months later, we were excited, yet nervous.. There was no bleeding and our number's were progressing well. Well at 5 weeks we had an u/s.. Nothing but a sac. We were told to come back 2 weeks later, at 7 weeks we went back and still there was only a sac, but a second sac was visible now too..The dr. thought he had seen a second sac at 5 weeks but we didn't think nothing of it.. We were told to come back in a week.. We went back at 8 weeks 3 days, still only a sac, that was starting to shrink, and the second sac completely gone.. We were diagnosed with a blighted ovum and decided to do a d n c right then instead of waiting.. We were devastated, again....We call this baby (well what should have been a baby) February, we needed closure.. well I needed closure) 4 months later, June 27, 2007 could it be? Yes it is, a big fat positive, I couldn't believe it, whoo-hoo we were pregnant again.. I was nervous as all get out, could barely stand myself I was so nervous. We had slight spotting at 5 weeks and went to the ER, only to be told we had a slight subchorionic hemorrhage, you can about guess my nerves shot straight through the roof, great here we go again.... I prepared myself to lose this baby too, but wait, it's 12 weeks and we're still pregnant, and there's a heartbeat?!?! Wow, 19 weeks and it's a BOY?!?! Is this for real? Is this really happening? We're going to be parents for real this time? Little did we know what God had in store for us....... January 21, 2008, Martin Luther King day, Monday, and the beginning of our 33rd week.. Everything started out great, Our little boy had woke me up at 5 am having a little kick-boxing tournament, this was the VERY FIRST time this had ever happened. I went about my morning, got on the computer, was fixing to start chatting with some girlfriends of mine, when I got the most oddest, most painful cramp I've ever gotten.. In all honesty I thought I had to go to the bathroom.. So I finished typing out what I had to say, and headed to the bathroom, the only thing was the pain was overwhelming, I was literally on my tip-toes.. (if I knew then what I know now, I would have just started pushing right then.... :( ) I sat down and hear a pop, gush....My first thought was Oh shit, my water just broke, I'm only 33 weeks, and we still have 7 weeks to go, ok, we can deal with NICU.. But then I look down.. The image I seen will forever haunt me, blood, and lots of it, I've never in all of my life seen so much blood as I did this day.. From here everything went down hill and FAST!! I stood up, grabbed some tissue and put it between my legs and ran to the living room, grabbed the phone, and called my husband, I was so scared, and deep inside, I knew he was gone...But I get a hold of him.. We talk he leaves work.. Well not thinking of the holiday it was I called my dr's office, no answer, I'm starting to feel faint and light headed, so I lay down on the floor, I called the ER and told them what was going on, all they could say is "why are you calling the er?" I just hung up.. Aaron called and was on the phone with 911 when he walked in the house.. He helped me to the living room couch where I laid down and was in so much pain, more pain than I ever imagined possible.. The paramedics showed up. finally.. Well apparently I got the pick of the day, 2 of the most ignorant, most hateful, degrading, pieces of crap people to come help us.. One was a rookie, and the other was a jerk.. The jerk asked me if I was pregnant? Duh, I'm 8 months freaking pregnant!! I'm huge!! He then says "Are you bleeding?" My reply was yes, his was well you miscarried......WHAT?!?! You're seriously going to tell a freaking 8 month pregnant woman that she just miscarried.. I already hated the idiot.. He then asks me if I can get up on my own and move to the gurney, sure I say, and as I do I throw up, he then thrust this bag in my face and say's "throw up in here not in my bus, I just cleaned it" they then proceed to wheel me out of my house, with no blanket on, just panties and a t-shirt.. I asked for my own blanket. Then they wheel me over the stepping stones instead of picking me up and carrying me, this hurt like you wouldn't believe the pain is still very vivid in my mind.. We'd already told them 2 times they've asked what hospital we were going to, twice, Women's and children's.. they get me in the ambulance, and pull out.. They didn't give me oxygen or anything except an iv. of saline.. I keep feeling the need to pass out, and gushes of blood coming out of me.. I told him that I felt like I was going to pass out, and he said there was nothing he could do, I was already laying down. So about this time I look out the window wondering why it's taking so long to get to my hospital, the idiots took me to the wrong hospital... . I keep feeling the need to close my eyes...just go to sleep.. Well they FINALLY get me to Women's and Children's, and upstairs to Labor and Delivery, where I coded, on the spot.. I remember the nurse checking me, and her saying that I was dialated 2 cm, and trying to find Tristan's heartbeat, it wasn't there.. I remember looking to Aaron and saying he's gone honey, my baby's gone, and Aaron, and the nurse both saying no he's probably hiding.. then I vaguely remember hearing Aaron say her eyes are rolling and the nurse saying Oh shit (as she hits the wall) and saying I need help in here.. (Later found out she called a code blue on me).. The next memories are in and out, and still comes back in flashes.. I remember waking in this room, very cold, and 2 people above my head, one woman on man, and I hear them saying we need to intibuate and start cpr, where is everyone at? I remember my dr. Dr. H standing next to me saying "Hi Shannon, it's me Dr. H and there's no fetal heart activity we need to operate immediately to find out where the bleed is before we lose you.. Then I felt him cut me, and everything went black.. The next thing I remember is waking up in the recovery room, looking up and seeing Aaron's face, and knowing that something was VERY wrong.. Then our social worker, Ms. Mary asked me if I would like to hold our son.....This was the first time I seen my little boy, he was gone, lifeless, but the most amazing creature I've ever seen, the most beautiful little boy.. Beings that I had a c section I had to stay in the hospital for a few days.. We were released, on Jan. 24, 2008 and it was hard leaving that hospital with only plants and a memory box full of Tristan's belongings, yet leaving him there.. This blog is full of the last 2 years and the years of battling infertility, and our journey to parent hood, if it's meant to be..

Sunday, August 2, 2015

2015

January 2015
    I don't write much anymore, I really don't know why either, as so much has happened. Lets see, in January we started out pretty good, life was coming together quite nicely. We were getting caught up on our bills, etc.. Aaron was working over seas, and the loneliness sucked, but it was nice to get caught up, and was such a blessing from God. I released balloons by myself this year, Aaron was in Trinidad. It was tough, I really hated it, but couldn't let the day go without releasing his to our precious Tristan. Still isn't a day go by that I don't speak about him, or miss him. God I do, I miss and love him so much. He would be 7, can you picture it, a 7 year old, in 2nd grade. I just have such a hard time sometimes placing him as a 7 year old, or all I ever see when I close my eyes, is that tiny little newborn sleeping eternally in my arms. I still feel the weight of him, the scent of him is still fresh in my nose. And the feel of the cooling skin under my lips as I kissed his forehead, his cheeks, his nose, his lips.. As I nestled him close to me. While I now smile at these memories, I ache with a deepened sadness that I never got to see him grow, I never got to see his smile, hear his laugh, change his diapers, play with his toys with him, teach him all about Christ, his numbers, letters, to tie his shoes, read a book,etc. I wanted so bad to be able to experience all of that, but God had different plans. Most days anymore I feel that we will never get to know what its like to raise your child.  I never imagined the day I would just know, deep down know that my chances of getting pregnant again, or raise a child will likely never happen, and that breaks my heart, but, we have to have faith and know that whatever happens, God is in control. But, knowing we have 3 children up there in heaven, makes me strive to be a better person, a God loving christian. I'm not perfect, I cuss, I smoke, I gossip (who don't), I am not perfect by any means, but I pray daily God have mercy on me.

February 2015
  Not much went on that I can remember, Aaron was working a LOT, and while it sucked being away from him, it was nice being able to pay our bills on time and in full.

March 2015
  Aaron is still working a lot, which financially we were grateful. My ex best friend got married. Aaron and I celebrated our 9th wedding anniversary.

April 2015
  April was quite eventful to say the least. My Granny M. passed away, I wasn't allowed to see her the last 2 years, and I have no idea how, or what she died of.  I do know that she was in a nursing home. I do know that I was told I could attend the funeral only, no visitation, nothing, but the funeral. Well, my Paw Paw H had asked me to come to his 87th birthday party, and while I was torn, because financially, and work I couldn't exactly swing both, I decided to go where I was wanted and welcomed. I celebrated my paw paws 87th birthday, April 18, then drove home on my birthday April 20th, to find my animals had been neglected the 3 days I was gone. My husband was on a job, and couldn't exactly be home. So I foolishly trusted the person who called herself my best friend for the last 10 years. My house wasn't in the best condition as we'd been forced to only be able to scoop boxes vs dump them. I gave her feeding instructions, etc. When I arrived home, their water bowls were all empty, bone dry, collecting dust. Their food dishes were all empty, and the table/floor, where they always make a mess was clean empty. The soft food hadn't been touched. But she swore she had come over here. The neighbor had dropped a bag of  cat food  at our gate, and she left it there, and told me it wasn't her responsibility to bring it in the house. I thought she truly was a friend, but I found out just how selfish she really was. I had seen several times over the last couple years, (since she met the guy she's now married to) how very selfish, and above everyone she acted. How she started ignoring calls, texts, messages, etc.. But got pissed if asked if you'd done anything. Always used the pathetic excuse of "been busy". So, I ended that friendship completely, Ive blocked her from every form of communication, I pray!!

May 2015
  This month kinda really sucked as Aaron lost his job. Sadly a lot of people have lost their jobs down here in the oilfield. Of course with any job loss, comes the loss of being able to pay bills, so that kinda put a crimp in our "starting to get ahead plan" and knocked us back down to square 1. We have our faith that this will be short lived, and he will find decent paying employment again.

June 2015
  My poor baby is still out of work, the struggle is starting to take its toll, bill collectors are calling, we're working on my income alone, which sucks at $8 an hour for 30-32 hours a week.. Still our faith remains strong. Mid month Aaron found a job. It's not much, but its a paycheck coming in. And it helps immensely. Still our faith remains strong.

July 2015
 More of the same as last month, sinking further and further into regular bill debt. But still we remain strong.

Present day, I have been blessed with a new best friend, who is I swear cut from the same cloth as I am. I have 2 of those in my life now, one is far in distance, and one is close, but they're 2 of the most treasured people of my life.  My husband and I still struggle financially, we still pray something will open up out there. Our country is going to hell, and just doesn't seem to be looking up, but still our Faith in Jesus still remain..

Until we meet again...

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Rest in Peace Mommy

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