My dearest Tristan,
How we have dearly missed you. It seems our love for you continues to grow daily. In 3 days we will be celebrating your 6th birthday earthly and heavenly. My mind wonders back to that day, Jan. 21, 2008 5:45 am, you're so very active, you wake me up for the very first time in our pregnancy. Looking back I realize now that I likely had a silent tear already, and you were warning me. But at the time, I just laid there awake, feeling you move, thanking God for you and just enjoying watching you kick and roll in me like some kick-boxing tournament. Hind-sight is 20/20 they say. Fast forward to 11:30-12 o'clockish and all hell breaks loose, the pain, oh the pain, the most intense, excruciating pain I've ever experienced, and thinking about it, I can almost feel it again, and the fear that came with the pain. I will never forget that feeling although some days I would really love to, that fear haunts me. I pray to this day for God to release me of that fear, but it still creeps in.
I remember like it was yesterday what it felt like when I stood up, an trying to walk, never in my life had I had a pain that put me on my tip toes to walk. Then the sights, the blood, the sound of a train rushing in my ears as my blood hemorrhages out of my body at a very rapid rate. I know how much blood we have in our body, (don't ask me for exact numbers right now but..) And the amount of blood I seen scared me. I was in and out of consciousness, I was very scared. I hadn't felt you move in quite a long time, or so it felt. In all actuality by the time the EMTs got there, only 30 min. had passed. But, then that's another story I refuse to relive cause it just angers mommy. But finally when we got to the hospital, I learned of your demise, that was the most pain, greater than the physical pain that my body had endured, this was torture. Someone placed my heart in a vice grip and was tightening it to the tightest it could go. You were not coming home with mommy and daddy, God had called you home to his Kingdom. And while we couldn't have you in a better place, that was the worst feeling. It's taken mommy a long time to come to the point where I kind of understand. I realize that your life was planned from the beginning. But mommy is human, and selfish. I miss you terribly. I imagine you sometimes, I imagine you being quite ornery. Much like I was at your age. lol. I see you in my mind growing up in heaven as you would have here on earth, although I know you are still my tiny little newborn 4 lb. 7.8 oz 17" long little dragonfly. I think it just helps mommy 'cope' on the sad days to see you in my minds eye as the soon to be 6 year old you would be. Imagining how we would be parenting you. How your laughter would fill this home. I imagine your laughter filling the heavens. And that makes mommy giggle. I imagine your grammy just tickling you and you just laughing that belly laugh I imagined you would have had.
I can't explain how different my grief for you is now from the extreme raw dark place it was 6 years ago. I am sad, but not broken. I long for you in the ways I'm sure every single mommy out there that has lost a child at any age longs for that child back. Parents are supposed to go first, that's just the way it should be, but our Lord has his reasons for planning such short lives for his chosen angels. None of us will ever have these answers, til we are sitting in our Fathers kingdom. Some days, it can be hard to remind myself of that, but I do. I love you son, I love you more and more every day, I don't know how that is even possible since you're not even here, but I still feel you all around. My heart swells with pride when I talk about you. You know some parents get to say "My kids an honor roll kid" I get to say "My kids an ANGEL in the Kingdom of Heaven" I think that trumps the honor roll aspect huh kiddo? You get to sit by our God!!
I can still feel you in my arms, I can still smell you, and I don't even have to hold my Molly Bears to feel you, or open a bottle of baby lotion, I can just close my eyes, and we're back in that hospital room, and I am looking at the most beautiful, the most peaceful, the most soft skinned, sweet perfect baby boy in my arms, and I am in like an outer body experience, like there is no way this beautiful creature came from us, and 2 I can't believe he's gone, you're not coming home. But you did go home didn't you sweet boy!! I love you my son, I love you more than there are stars in the skys.
Love and missing you always
Mommy and Daddy
January 2001, it was a cold, blistery, icy day in Oklahoma City, the day my future husband asked me to be his girl!!! March 31, 2006 was our wedding day.. We had decided that since we'd already been together for 5 years that we would immediately start trying for a baby. So in April that's what we did.. It took us 3 months and in July we were looking at a positive pregnancy test.. It was the 5th of July.. I remember thinking the 4th that I had to of been pregnant, as the beer just tasted horrible and I was wanting to sleep.. That pregnancy was not the easiest.. We started bleeding from the beginning, it was diagnosed a subchorionic hemorrhage.. It was a huge blood clot between the uterus and placenta.. Well fast forward to 12 weeks after getting off bed rest and having no more bleeding.. We had an ultrasound to find that our precious baby had passed on 3 weeks before.. I had what they called a missed abortion (you won't see me use this term as I HATE it..) So I had to schedule a d n c for the next day.. That morning around 4 am I woke up to severe pains and bleeding only to find out that my body had finally realized that it was miscarrying, so we got bumped up a few hours to do the d n c.. Our dr. sent the 'remains' off to the lab for genetic testing and he called a few weeks later to tell me that our baby was a healthy baby boy.. We named him Xavier Ahren. He was 9 weeks 5 days and our d n c was on 9/19/06.. We were told we could try after our first cycle, so we did, we got pregnant 4 months later, we were excited, yet nervous.. There was no bleeding and our number's were progressing well. Well at 5 weeks we had an u/s.. Nothing but a sac. We were told to come back 2 weeks later, at 7 weeks we went back and still there was only a sac, but a second sac was visible now too..The dr. thought he had seen a second sac at 5 weeks but we didn't think nothing of it.. We were told to come back in a week.. We went back at 8 weeks 3 days, still only a sac, that was starting to shrink, and the second sac completely gone.. We were diagnosed with a blighted ovum and decided to do a d n c right then instead of waiting.. We were devastated, again....We call this baby (well what should have been a baby) February, we needed closure.. well I needed closure) 4 months later, June 27, 2007 could it be? Yes it is, a big fat positive, I couldn't believe it, whoo-hoo we were pregnant again.. I was nervous as all get out, could barely stand myself I was so nervous. We had slight spotting at 5 weeks and went to the ER, only to be told we had a slight subchorionic hemorrhage, you can about guess my nerves shot straight through the roof, great here we go again.... I prepared myself to lose this baby too, but wait, it's 12 weeks and we're still pregnant, and there's a heartbeat?!?! Wow, 19 weeks and it's a BOY?!?! Is this for real? Is this really happening? We're going to be parents for real this time? Little did we know what God had in store for us....... January 21, 2008, Martin Luther King day, Monday, and the beginning of our 33rd week.. Everything started out great, Our little boy had woke me up at 5 am having a little kick-boxing tournament, this was the VERY FIRST time this had ever happened. I went about my morning, got on the computer, was fixing to start chatting with some girlfriends of mine, when I got the most oddest, most painful cramp I've ever gotten.. In all honesty I thought I had to go to the bathroom.. So I finished typing out what I had to say, and headed to the bathroom, the only thing was the pain was overwhelming, I was literally on my tip-toes.. (if I knew then what I know now, I would have just started pushing right then.... :( ) I sat down and hear a pop, gush....My first thought was Oh shit, my water just broke, I'm only 33 weeks, and we still have 7 weeks to go, ok, we can deal with NICU.. But then I look down.. The image I seen will forever haunt me, blood, and lots of it, I've never in all of my life seen so much blood as I did this day.. From here everything went down hill and FAST!! I stood up, grabbed some tissue and put it between my legs and ran to the living room, grabbed the phone, and called my husband, I was so scared, and deep inside, I knew he was gone...But I get a hold of him.. We talk he leaves work.. Well not thinking of the holiday it was I called my dr's office, no answer, I'm starting to feel faint and light headed, so I lay down on the floor, I called the ER and told them what was going on, all they could say is "why are you calling the er?" I just hung up.. Aaron called and was on the phone with 911 when he walked in the house.. He helped me to the living room couch where I laid down and was in so much pain, more pain than I ever imagined possible.. The paramedics showed up. finally.. Well apparently I got the pick of the day, 2 of the most ignorant, most hateful, degrading, pieces of crap people to come help us.. One was a rookie, and the other was a jerk.. The jerk asked me if I was pregnant? Duh, I'm 8 months freaking pregnant!! I'm huge!! He then says "Are you bleeding?" My reply was yes, his was well you miscarried......WHAT?!?! You're seriously going to tell a freaking 8 month pregnant woman that she just miscarried.. I already hated the idiot.. He then asks me if I can get up on my own and move to the gurney, sure I say, and as I do I throw up, he then thrust this bag in my face and say's "throw up in here not in my bus, I just cleaned it" they then proceed to wheel me out of my house, with no blanket on, just panties and a t-shirt.. I asked for my own blanket. Then they wheel me over the stepping stones instead of picking me up and carrying me, this hurt like you wouldn't believe the pain is still very vivid in my mind.. We'd already told them 2 times they've asked what hospital we were going to, twice, Women's and children's.. they get me in the ambulance, and pull out.. They didn't give me oxygen or anything except an iv. of saline.. I keep feeling the need to pass out, and gushes of blood coming out of me.. I told him that I felt like I was going to pass out, and he said there was nothing he could do, I was already laying down. So about this time I look out the window wondering why it's taking so long to get to my hospital, the idiots took me to the wrong hospital... . I keep feeling the need to close my eyes...just go to sleep.. Well they FINALLY get me to Women's and Children's, and upstairs to Labor and Delivery, where I coded, on the spot.. I remember the nurse checking me, and her saying that I was dialated 2 cm, and trying to find Tristan's heartbeat, it wasn't there.. I remember looking to Aaron and saying he's gone honey, my baby's gone, and Aaron, and the nurse both saying no he's probably hiding.. then I vaguely remember hearing Aaron say her eyes are rolling and the nurse saying Oh shit (as she hits the wall) and saying I need help in here.. (Later found out she called a code blue on me).. The next memories are in and out, and still comes back in flashes.. I remember waking in this room, very cold, and 2 people above my head, one woman on man, and I hear them saying we need to intibuate and start cpr, where is everyone at? I remember my dr. Dr. H standing next to me saying "Hi Shannon, it's me Dr. H and there's no fetal heart activity we need to operate immediately to find out where the bleed is before we lose you.. Then I felt him cut me, and everything went black.. The next thing I remember is waking up in the recovery room, looking up and seeing Aaron's face, and knowing that something was VERY wrong.. Then our social worker, Ms. Mary asked me if I would like to hold our son.....This was the first time I seen my little boy, he was gone, lifeless, but the most amazing creature I've ever seen, the most beautiful little boy.. Beings that I had a c section I had to stay in the hospital for a few days.. We were released, on Jan. 24, 2008 and it was hard leaving that hospital with only plants and a memory box full of Tristan's belongings, yet leaving him there.. This blog is full of the last 2 years and the years of battling infertility, and our journey to parent hood, if it's meant to be..