Our Journey.....

January 2001, it was a cold, blistery, icy day in Oklahoma City, the day my future husband asked me to be his girl!!! March 31, 2006 was our wedding day.. We had decided that since we'd already been together for 5 years that we would immediately start trying for a baby. So in April that's what we did.. It took us 3 months and in July we were looking at a positive pregnancy test.. It was the 5th of July.. I remember thinking the 4th that I had to of been pregnant, as the beer just tasted horrible and I was wanting to sleep.. That pregnancy was not the easiest.. We started bleeding from the beginning, it was diagnosed a subchorionic hemorrhage.. It was a huge blood clot between the uterus and placenta.. Well fast forward to 12 weeks after getting off bed rest and having no more bleeding.. We had an ultrasound to find that our precious baby had passed on 3 weeks before.. I had what they called a missed abortion (you won't see me use this term as I HATE it..) So I had to schedule a d n c for the next day.. That morning around 4 am I woke up to severe pains and bleeding only to find out that my body had finally realized that it was miscarrying, so we got bumped up a few hours to do the d n c.. Our dr. sent the 'remains' off to the lab for genetic testing and he called a few weeks later to tell me that our baby was a healthy baby boy.. We named him Xavier Ahren. He was 9 weeks 5 days and our d n c was on 9/19/06.. We were told we could try after our first cycle, so we did, we got pregnant 4 months later, we were excited, yet nervous.. There was no bleeding and our number's were progressing well. Well at 5 weeks we had an u/s.. Nothing but a sac. We were told to come back 2 weeks later, at 7 weeks we went back and still there was only a sac, but a second sac was visible now too..The dr. thought he had seen a second sac at 5 weeks but we didn't think nothing of it.. We were told to come back in a week.. We went back at 8 weeks 3 days, still only a sac, that was starting to shrink, and the second sac completely gone.. We were diagnosed with a blighted ovum and decided to do a d n c right then instead of waiting.. We were devastated, again....We call this baby (well what should have been a baby) February, we needed closure.. well I needed closure) 4 months later, June 27, 2007 could it be? Yes it is, a big fat positive, I couldn't believe it, whoo-hoo we were pregnant again.. I was nervous as all get out, could barely stand myself I was so nervous. We had slight spotting at 5 weeks and went to the ER, only to be told we had a slight subchorionic hemorrhage, you can about guess my nerves shot straight through the roof, great here we go again.... I prepared myself to lose this baby too, but wait, it's 12 weeks and we're still pregnant, and there's a heartbeat?!?! Wow, 19 weeks and it's a BOY?!?! Is this for real? Is this really happening? We're going to be parents for real this time? Little did we know what God had in store for us....... January 21, 2008, Martin Luther King day, Monday, and the beginning of our 33rd week.. Everything started out great, Our little boy had woke me up at 5 am having a little kick-boxing tournament, this was the VERY FIRST time this had ever happened. I went about my morning, got on the computer, was fixing to start chatting with some girlfriends of mine, when I got the most oddest, most painful cramp I've ever gotten.. In all honesty I thought I had to go to the bathroom.. So I finished typing out what I had to say, and headed to the bathroom, the only thing was the pain was overwhelming, I was literally on my tip-toes.. (if I knew then what I know now, I would have just started pushing right then.... :( ) I sat down and hear a pop, gush....My first thought was Oh shit, my water just broke, I'm only 33 weeks, and we still have 7 weeks to go, ok, we can deal with NICU.. But then I look down.. The image I seen will forever haunt me, blood, and lots of it, I've never in all of my life seen so much blood as I did this day.. From here everything went down hill and FAST!! I stood up, grabbed some tissue and put it between my legs and ran to the living room, grabbed the phone, and called my husband, I was so scared, and deep inside, I knew he was gone...But I get a hold of him.. We talk he leaves work.. Well not thinking of the holiday it was I called my dr's office, no answer, I'm starting to feel faint and light headed, so I lay down on the floor, I called the ER and told them what was going on, all they could say is "why are you calling the er?" I just hung up.. Aaron called and was on the phone with 911 when he walked in the house.. He helped me to the living room couch where I laid down and was in so much pain, more pain than I ever imagined possible.. The paramedics showed up. finally.. Well apparently I got the pick of the day, 2 of the most ignorant, most hateful, degrading, pieces of crap people to come help us.. One was a rookie, and the other was a jerk.. The jerk asked me if I was pregnant? Duh, I'm 8 months freaking pregnant!! I'm huge!! He then says "Are you bleeding?" My reply was yes, his was well you miscarried......WHAT?!?! You're seriously going to tell a freaking 8 month pregnant woman that she just miscarried.. I already hated the idiot.. He then asks me if I can get up on my own and move to the gurney, sure I say, and as I do I throw up, he then thrust this bag in my face and say's "throw up in here not in my bus, I just cleaned it" they then proceed to wheel me out of my house, with no blanket on, just panties and a t-shirt.. I asked for my own blanket. Then they wheel me over the stepping stones instead of picking me up and carrying me, this hurt like you wouldn't believe the pain is still very vivid in my mind.. We'd already told them 2 times they've asked what hospital we were going to, twice, Women's and children's.. they get me in the ambulance, and pull out.. They didn't give me oxygen or anything except an iv. of saline.. I keep feeling the need to pass out, and gushes of blood coming out of me.. I told him that I felt like I was going to pass out, and he said there was nothing he could do, I was already laying down. So about this time I look out the window wondering why it's taking so long to get to my hospital, the idiots took me to the wrong hospital... . I keep feeling the need to close my eyes...just go to sleep.. Well they FINALLY get me to Women's and Children's, and upstairs to Labor and Delivery, where I coded, on the spot.. I remember the nurse checking me, and her saying that I was dialated 2 cm, and trying to find Tristan's heartbeat, it wasn't there.. I remember looking to Aaron and saying he's gone honey, my baby's gone, and Aaron, and the nurse both saying no he's probably hiding.. then I vaguely remember hearing Aaron say her eyes are rolling and the nurse saying Oh shit (as she hits the wall) and saying I need help in here.. (Later found out she called a code blue on me).. The next memories are in and out, and still comes back in flashes.. I remember waking in this room, very cold, and 2 people above my head, one woman on man, and I hear them saying we need to intibuate and start cpr, where is everyone at? I remember my dr. Dr. H standing next to me saying "Hi Shannon, it's me Dr. H and there's no fetal heart activity we need to operate immediately to find out where the bleed is before we lose you.. Then I felt him cut me, and everything went black.. The next thing I remember is waking up in the recovery room, looking up and seeing Aaron's face, and knowing that something was VERY wrong.. Then our social worker, Ms. Mary asked me if I would like to hold our son.....This was the first time I seen my little boy, he was gone, lifeless, but the most amazing creature I've ever seen, the most beautiful little boy.. Beings that I had a c section I had to stay in the hospital for a few days.. We were released, on Jan. 24, 2008 and it was hard leaving that hospital with only plants and a memory box full of Tristan's belongings, yet leaving him there.. This blog is full of the last 2 years and the years of battling infertility, and our journey to parent hood, if it's meant to be..

Monday, July 23, 2012

The clouds and you...

Today while I was outside playing with the dogs, I sat back and was watching the clouds. We have some really fluffy, storm clouds coming through. I love to do this. Well today, there you were, that perfect little sleeping face, the face I stared at til I memorized every detail of. That beautiful little face that I kissed goodbye.. there you were in the shape of the clouds. It was a beautiful feeling, but oh son how it made me yearn to hold you in my arms again. To kiss your little forehead. To feel your little fingers over mine. I closed my eyes and remembered the day I held you the little boy we have dreamed of having. The perfect little boy..  I miss you so much and I know daddy misses you just as much. We love you every second, of every day my sweet baby!!

Wednesday, July 11, 2012

Confused....

 How can one be so happy, calm, and peaceful, thanking God constantly for my many blessings, yet so sad, jealous, and broken all at the same time? I never say anything because I think it's selfish. I am not a selfish person, so really please if anyone takes this the wrong way I apologize ahead of time.

  Let me start out by saying that I am SO SO SO happy for each and every mommy out there, especially rainbow mommy's. I wait on baited breath these days, (kinda have for the last 6 years,) for every baby to be born awake, healthy and alive. I pray and thank God for these tiny blessings, but the selfish side of me is so jealous, I long so badly for a child of our own, to raise as God's child, to love, and treasure that blessing. I truly feel like an asshole when those selfish tears fall, which is always after my happy and relieved tears fall for that baby born.

  I find myself confused and full of wonder. I wonder why we can't have a baby. I wonder if God has forgotten about Aaron and I. I wonder if God thinks I won't be a good mother. I wonder if continuing on is even worth it. Why continue torturing my husband and myself month after month for how many more years? Everyone always says one day it will happen, I try and believe that, and for the most part I do, but there's always my 'inner critic' doubting everything. I am so ashamed to have these feelings, but I guess if I didn't have them I wouldn't be human right? Throughout the last 6 years I have watched almost everyone I know, family, friends, etc.. has had babies, I just wish I was amongst them. Some days it's hard to log into even facebook but I always get a little chuckle out of at least a few of the kiddo's out there. :) I just really don't know what to do with these feelings. I don't know when we stop this journey and just live and be happy with each other and our fur-babies... I hate seeing the sadness wash across Aaron's face month after month, and I know he hates seeing it across mine. I just don't know where we go as far as ttc anymore. Yes, we are saving for an IUI, but what if that's not successful? In this economy, it's going to take a while to save up for IVF/adoption..
Then you have to wonder, should we just call it quits on wanting a child because of this economy and the way this country is headed? Is it going to be safe for our children?

  So where do we go? That will depend on many things I'm sure. I am just tired. I haven't temped in so long, I just am ready to quit. Quit thinking about it, to shut that little nagging voice up, you know the one, 'oh it's fertile week, time for opk's.' blah blah blah....

Anyway, enough out of me today, I'm just in a confused mood. I can't understand why I am so sad for myself, when I have so many other blessings around me.

Thursday, May 3, 2012

THANK YOU

We can't even begin to express our gratitude for all your love, support and donations.. I just got off the phone with the RE and was told about the IUI in more detail, and what a ball park of our costs would be.. We are so close thanks to your donations.. It's going to cost roughly $900 for meds (since my ovaries haven't responded to the lower doses, they're going higher). And it's $1200 for monitoring and IUI!! That means we're $1200 away from our first IUI!! I can't even begin to tell you how excited we are, and blessed that so many of you care so much about us that you've helped us.. I can't wait til the day we have our little Rainbow, and sharing him/her with you!! And you all getting to watch them grow, because of you!!!

 So many words are jumbling my brain I can't get them out fast enough to tell you how gracious and blessed we are to have such an amazing support group. So thank you, everyone who has shared our journey with your friends and family, who has donated, who has prayed, written me, and supported me, listened to me cry on the phone Mrs. Hazelton, Mrs. Brooks!!! You have no idea what your love means to me. What your graciousness has done and continues to do for us.. You've made this journey seem a little shorter, with a glaring light at the end of what was once a very dark and dreary tunnel.. So thank you for continuing to walk this journey with us, and sharing our story!!!

We love and appreciate you all from the bottom of our hearts!!!

Tuesday, May 1, 2012

Adventures and Motivation

You know we in life all have different paths, sometimes those paths cross. My path has crossed with so many beautiful, supportive, and loving women. I have been so blessed to know these women. I only just wish our paths were closer so that I could sit with them, have coffee, hug their necks, and say thank you in person. I've had the pleasure of meeting just a handful of these special women a year ago come August. I think of that weekend often!!!
 I have such great friends that stretch from California, Canada, Massachusetts, to Florida. In Sept. 2006 after my first miscarriage I was scouring the infamous Google looking for other loss moms such as myself. I stumbled upon a website called BabyCenter.com, that is where I met 35 women that I would gain such wonderful friendships and links with.. Then throughout the years and losing Tristan, I became a group leader with some amazing loss friends on a few loss groups on babycenter. I toyed around on bbc a lot after that, visiting several different boards, where I found that a birth board needed a gl, and I volunteered, here is where I found a whole group of amazing women, women that  have experienced loss, and life, and some that's never experienced loss.. These women took me in as one of their own, even though I wasn't pregnant, I was dealing with infertility, but these amazing women, (I'll call them my bacon lovin' Auggie momma's) were so awesome, they kept me laughing, they cried with me, they lifted me up, and most of all they're still apart of my life..

Now you wonder what I meant by adventures and motivation, Well every day is an adventure, one of which most days I have zero motivation to tackle.. I don't know if it's because of underlying depression I battle with, or just being so out of shape and overweight that I just quit caring, or maybe a little of both? I start something and have a hard time finishing it, except when it comes to ttc. Some people have accused me of being obsessed with trying to have a baby. Some (most) people understand and feel my undying drive.. But why is it that I have so much motivation and drive to have a baby, but not to lose weight and get healthier? I will admit, I am a comfort eater, I get sad/upset I eat. I try to stay away from junk food, but I find the more I try to steer clear of it, the more I want it.. lol typical right?  Well that's one adventure I lack motivation.. My other is keeping motivation while cleaning and organizing.. I will start a project and leave it half way til another day.. I get distracted easily!! :)

But the biggest adventure and I love this adventure is being a wife, some days I just let the days flow, others I put forth my best, but all days I love my best friend, without him this adventure would be hellish and so very boring!!

Today feels like a day that I'm just rambling, and maybe I am, but I feel like this is the way to get my blog back to 'normal' to feel like I'm releasing, now maybe with this release, I love writing, and this is a perfect way!!! :) 

Oh I almost forgot one of my favorite adventures, and that's my job!!! I LOVE being an Independent Creative Partner with Initials, Inc. And look forward to moving up that career ladder, cause that means more pay, more friends, and more motivation!!! I just have to say that if you or anyone you know is considering a direct sales business, I highly suggest Initials-inc. It is not saturated, it's a ground floor record breaking, company that has been featured in magazines and on Good Morning America.. I am proud to be a part of this amazing company, and this fabYOUlous adventure.. I would love to share more about it, but this is not the place, (although you may here me mention it a lot!!! I have a blog just for Initials :)  There you can find deals, and other business adventures..


While I am waiting on af to arrive, I have to say again and again how overwhelmed and humbled I am by all of your support, that your donations are helping us get that much closer to being parents!! Thank you from the bottom of both of our hearts, I know Thank you, is not enough to show my appreciation, but hopefully one day we'll have that beautiful baby boy/girl in our arms, and you will feel, and see our gratitude!!!  Finding you my friends has been a long, hard road, but blessed beyond measure!!!! ♥♥♥

Monday, April 30, 2012

Overwhelmed...

I am so overwhelmed and over joyed with the amount of love and support that's been shown just today, the messages I've gotten, the texts, the comments, and the donations.. Sometimes you feel so alone, and trapped on this journey, it's such a blessing to know that when you need, you have a support system bigger than you can imagine. I am beyond blessed for everyone of you.. Just in the course of a few hours because of your donations we have gained $375.00 towards our future Rainbow.. Thank you!! From the bottom of our hearts, thank you for this wonderful gift.. Thank you for sharing our donation page, thank you for the love, and mostly thank you for the prayers. .God says that "I tell you that if two of you on earth agree about anything you ask for, it will be done for you by my Father in heaven.  For where two or three come together in my name, there am I with them."                                                     Matthew 18:19-20..

So with a final thank you just for the night, I bid you all a good night, may God bless you beyond measures, and give you all restful, peaceful sweet dreams.

Our journey continues......

Through the last 4 years of infertility I have learned so much about myself and my husband. How greatly strong he is, and just how meek I can be. My Aaron has been so strong in the face of infertility, so many times I've wanted to throw in the towel, but my ever loving and growing opptimist that I married, hasn't gotten to that point. Many tears I've cried, many tears he's wiped away. We just finished our second failed medicated cycle. I think the time has come to start moving up the fertility treatment ladder, to IUI, and IVF status.. The only thing is the cost is so stinkin' high, and of course it's all out of pocket. Insurance covers nothing of fertility so that makes it harder when you have parents like Aaron and I that want nothing more than to hold a baby in our arms, to love and raise that baby the way Jesus would want us to. And yes, the topic of adoption has come up, and it's upwards the price of IVF, and more.. So today with the push of some loving friends, we have decided to take their advice, and to reach out to our friends and family and ask for donations. We are not rich in money, but love, our cups runneth over.. I as a mother have so much love to give to children that is just trapped inside of me. And Aaron, has so many teachings and love of a father that is screaming to get out. This has been a very long, and a very painful journey, and with Gods guidance, your help, and our faith, I am hoping that we can all see the light at the end of the baby-less journey.. First and foremost, this baby (when we have one) will be raised in a christian home, with values and morals. Our children will be given over to Christ just as we were, and through God our saviour He will guide our hands in teaching these precious blessings from Him.. I will put the link to donate to our IUI & or IVF fun at the top of my blog, but also in this post.. We are humbled asking for your help, and hope that none of you think differently in us doing so, but we're at a loss.. We live a modest life, just like many of you, pay check to pay check with little left over just trying to get by. Some of you might even ask, "if you can't afford fertility treatments, how will you afford to care for a baby" Well my answer to that is the same way you care for yours. When something comes up, you provide. Our child will have a home (not a house, but a home with the love of Christ and his/her parents), food, medical, clothes, toys, and everything he/she needs.. If all you can offer is prayers, love and support, then please know that is also so so very welcome, and needed.. I am humbled to ask you to keep Aaron and I in your thoughts and prayers.. For I know the power in prayers!! Thank you all so very much for any and all help you can offer us during this part of our journey!! Love, Aaron and Shannon Goodwin You can donate here

Wednesday, March 28, 2012

While looking for ideas for a fellow loss mommy I ran across this site.. Pay special attention to the poems..

http://www.labelledame.com/sympathy-gift-jewelry.html

Tristan always has been and always will be our little dragonfly!!!

Rest in Peace Mommy

PhotobucketPhotobucket