That we have been trying to have a baby since losing Tristan.. It feels like an eternity. I am so tired.. Tired of caring, tired of trying, tired of wanting.. But I can't shut the desire to be a mommy off, the more I try, the louder it gets.. .WTF is wrong with me? Ugh, actually kinda irritating honestly.
When do you know it's time to quit? How does a born to be a mommy type of girl, just let go of her dreams? Ever since I was a kid I wanted to be a mommy when I grew up.. How is it I can get pregnant 3 times naturally, but now, I can't for the life of me..
I am so tired of hearing, "you know if you'd quit trying, it would happen" well shit, why didn't I ever think of that? I hear that all the freaking time people!! NEWS FLASH btdt (been there done that). Didn't happen.. "Have you thought about adopting" another one that I hear constantly. While I don't have any negative to say about adoption, we are not there yet.
I am mad at myself for letting it hurt me still.. I have to let it go, let go of the pain, let go of the desire, then, maybe just maybe if I can fully accept that it may never happen, it won't hurt so freaking bad. Every month I feel those signature cramps, or that killer headache it won't suck the air right out of my lungs, and put that huge knot in my throat that I have to fight away, so that people won't see, don't know.. I don't want sympathy, I want a child,a LIVING child.
After watching all the reports and what not on Casey Anthony, and them releasing jail letters she wrote saying that she wanted to either adopt or get pregnant again, makes my heart sink to the bottom of my stomach, knowing how trash like that always seems to get their way through everything, and get their babies never having to struggle infertility.. She's bound to get what she wants, don't all the crack heads and the like?
I don't know how much longer I can last on this journey, maybe God's will isn't my hearts desire.....
January 2001, it was a cold, blistery, icy day in Oklahoma City, the day my future husband asked me to be his girl!!! March 31, 2006 was our wedding day.. We had decided that since we'd already been together for 5 years that we would immediately start trying for a baby. So in April that's what we did.. It took us 3 months and in July we were looking at a positive pregnancy test.. It was the 5th of July.. I remember thinking the 4th that I had to of been pregnant, as the beer just tasted horrible and I was wanting to sleep.. That pregnancy was not the easiest.. We started bleeding from the beginning, it was diagnosed a subchorionic hemorrhage.. It was a huge blood clot between the uterus and placenta.. Well fast forward to 12 weeks after getting off bed rest and having no more bleeding.. We had an ultrasound to find that our precious baby had passed on 3 weeks before.. I had what they called a missed abortion (you won't see me use this term as I HATE it..) So I had to schedule a d n c for the next day.. That morning around 4 am I woke up to severe pains and bleeding only to find out that my body had finally realized that it was miscarrying, so we got bumped up a few hours to do the d n c.. Our dr. sent the 'remains' off to the lab for genetic testing and he called a few weeks later to tell me that our baby was a healthy baby boy.. We named him Xavier Ahren. He was 9 weeks 5 days and our d n c was on 9/19/06.. We were told we could try after our first cycle, so we did, we got pregnant 4 months later, we were excited, yet nervous.. There was no bleeding and our number's were progressing well. Well at 5 weeks we had an u/s.. Nothing but a sac. We were told to come back 2 weeks later, at 7 weeks we went back and still there was only a sac, but a second sac was visible now too..The dr. thought he had seen a second sac at 5 weeks but we didn't think nothing of it.. We were told to come back in a week.. We went back at 8 weeks 3 days, still only a sac, that was starting to shrink, and the second sac completely gone.. We were diagnosed with a blighted ovum and decided to do a d n c right then instead of waiting.. We were devastated, again....We call this baby (well what should have been a baby) February, we needed closure.. well I needed closure) 4 months later, June 27, 2007 could it be? Yes it is, a big fat positive, I couldn't believe it, whoo-hoo we were pregnant again.. I was nervous as all get out, could barely stand myself I was so nervous. We had slight spotting at 5 weeks and went to the ER, only to be told we had a slight subchorionic hemorrhage, you can about guess my nerves shot straight through the roof, great here we go again.... I prepared myself to lose this baby too, but wait, it's 12 weeks and we're still pregnant, and there's a heartbeat?!?! Wow, 19 weeks and it's a BOY?!?! Is this for real? Is this really happening? We're going to be parents for real this time? Little did we know what God had in store for us....... January 21, 2008, Martin Luther King day, Monday, and the beginning of our 33rd week.. Everything started out great, Our little boy had woke me up at 5 am having a little kick-boxing tournament, this was the VERY FIRST time this had ever happened. I went about my morning, got on the computer, was fixing to start chatting with some girlfriends of mine, when I got the most oddest, most painful cramp I've ever gotten.. In all honesty I thought I had to go to the bathroom.. So I finished typing out what I had to say, and headed to the bathroom, the only thing was the pain was overwhelming, I was literally on my tip-toes.. (if I knew then what I know now, I would have just started pushing right then.... :( ) I sat down and hear a pop, gush....My first thought was Oh shit, my water just broke, I'm only 33 weeks, and we still have 7 weeks to go, ok, we can deal with NICU.. But then I look down.. The image I seen will forever haunt me, blood, and lots of it, I've never in all of my life seen so much blood as I did this day.. From here everything went down hill and FAST!! I stood up, grabbed some tissue and put it between my legs and ran to the living room, grabbed the phone, and called my husband, I was so scared, and deep inside, I knew he was gone...But I get a hold of him.. We talk he leaves work.. Well not thinking of the holiday it was I called my dr's office, no answer, I'm starting to feel faint and light headed, so I lay down on the floor, I called the ER and told them what was going on, all they could say is "why are you calling the er?" I just hung up.. Aaron called and was on the phone with 911 when he walked in the house.. He helped me to the living room couch where I laid down and was in so much pain, more pain than I ever imagined possible.. The paramedics showed up. finally.. Well apparently I got the pick of the day, 2 of the most ignorant, most hateful, degrading, pieces of crap people to come help us.. One was a rookie, and the other was a jerk.. The jerk asked me if I was pregnant? Duh, I'm 8 months freaking pregnant!! I'm huge!! He then says "Are you bleeding?" My reply was yes, his was well you miscarried......WHAT?!?! You're seriously going to tell a freaking 8 month pregnant woman that she just miscarried.. I already hated the idiot.. He then asks me if I can get up on my own and move to the gurney, sure I say, and as I do I throw up, he then thrust this bag in my face and say's "throw up in here not in my bus, I just cleaned it" they then proceed to wheel me out of my house, with no blanket on, just panties and a t-shirt.. I asked for my own blanket. Then they wheel me over the stepping stones instead of picking me up and carrying me, this hurt like you wouldn't believe the pain is still very vivid in my mind.. We'd already told them 2 times they've asked what hospital we were going to, twice, Women's and children's.. they get me in the ambulance, and pull out.. They didn't give me oxygen or anything except an iv. of saline.. I keep feeling the need to pass out, and gushes of blood coming out of me.. I told him that I felt like I was going to pass out, and he said there was nothing he could do, I was already laying down. So about this time I look out the window wondering why it's taking so long to get to my hospital, the idiots took me to the wrong hospital... . I keep feeling the need to close my eyes...just go to sleep.. Well they FINALLY get me to Women's and Children's, and upstairs to Labor and Delivery, where I coded, on the spot.. I remember the nurse checking me, and her saying that I was dialated 2 cm, and trying to find Tristan's heartbeat, it wasn't there.. I remember looking to Aaron and saying he's gone honey, my baby's gone, and Aaron, and the nurse both saying no he's probably hiding.. then I vaguely remember hearing Aaron say her eyes are rolling and the nurse saying Oh shit (as she hits the wall) and saying I need help in here.. (Later found out she called a code blue on me).. The next memories are in and out, and still comes back in flashes.. I remember waking in this room, very cold, and 2 people above my head, one woman on man, and I hear them saying we need to intibuate and start cpr, where is everyone at? I remember my dr. Dr. H standing next to me saying "Hi Shannon, it's me Dr. H and there's no fetal heart activity we need to operate immediately to find out where the bleed is before we lose you.. Then I felt him cut me, and everything went black.. The next thing I remember is waking up in the recovery room, looking up and seeing Aaron's face, and knowing that something was VERY wrong.. Then our social worker, Ms. Mary asked me if I would like to hold our son.....This was the first time I seen my little boy, he was gone, lifeless, but the most amazing creature I've ever seen, the most beautiful little boy.. Beings that I had a c section I had to stay in the hospital for a few days.. We were released, on Jan. 24, 2008 and it was hard leaving that hospital with only plants and a memory box full of Tristan's belongings, yet leaving him there.. This blog is full of the last 2 years and the years of battling infertility, and our journey to parent hood, if it's meant to be..
Thursday, July 14, 2011
Tuesday, July 12, 2011
I am so humbled right now.. I have not logged into my babycenter.com account in over a month, and so you can about imagine the messages in my inbox, over 1000.. Not very often do I get a note that makes me smile, cry and feel so blessed for my son, and journey.. Today I got one of those notes. I can't describe in words what I am feeling right now.. Every since we lost Tristan, I always said that if he helped just one person, one mother, one anyone through this same journey than I realize what God's plan was for him, and me.. To teach me so much, to meet so many people, and to become a different person than I ever imagined.. I never thought by my sharing my journey through pregnancy loss, infertility, and hurt that I could help anyone, but today, I got thanked for unknowingly helping someone. That warms my heart to know that my son helped me to help another mother through her own journey of loss and pain.
If the owner of that letter is reading this today, thank you for helping me also!!
If the owner of that letter is reading this today, thank you for helping me also!!
Tuesday, July 5, 2011
I don't even know how to begin to settle my thoughts and opinions down on the most shocking verdict in a homicide of a precious 2 year old baby girl 3 years ago.. I can not seriously believe my ears.. My heart is aching for the unjustice for this precious baby girl.
In June of 2008 we learned that a precious baby girl was missing,and her mother, Casey Anthony waited THIRTY-ONE days before saying anything, and if her mother, Cindy Anthony had not pressured her to see Caylee, Casey would have never said anything, she would have went on, with her life so easy for her.. Now, as a mother of loss, I can attest that losing your child is anything but easy. And this woman, allowed her daughter to be 'missing' for 31 days, while she was clubbin', entering hot body contests, and getting a tattoo. "Bella Vita" which means beautiful life..But yet her sweet baby girl is missing.. What the hell is so beautiful about that? The internet records showing "someone" (yet the time stamps were when Casey was the only one home) had done searches for chloroform.. And the duct tape being a rare duct tape, that George Anthony had in the garage, the gas can, the fact that she was wrapped up like the Anthony's wrapped their pets when they passed. and tossed in the freaking swamps.. How the hell is that honestly not enough evidence?? Then you throw in the verbal evidence of smell from human decomposition in her trunk. I don't understand what's so wrong with what the prosecution presented?!
And the verdict came in
Count 1. first-degree murder---Not Guilty
Count 2. aggravated child abuse---Not Guilty
Count 3. aggravated manslaughter of a child---Not Guilty
Count 4, 5, 6 and 7 providing false information to a law enforcement officer---Guilty
I personally think that her parents know she killed their granddaughter, a mother knows.. I don't care about what, a mother knows her child, and knows without a shadow of a doubt what her daughter did. I loved George Anthony's statement he made to the public..
CASEY ANTHONY'S FAMILY
[Updated at 5:08 p.m.] Attorney Mark Lippman issued a statement on behalf of Lee, George and Cindy Anthony:
While the family may never know what has happened to Caylee Marie Anthony, they now have closure for this chapter of their life. They will now begin the long process of rebuilding their lives.
Despite the baseless defense chosen by Casey Anthony, the family believes that the Jury made a fair decision based on the evidence presented, the testimony presented, the scientific information presented and the rules that were given to them by the Honorable Judge Perry to guide them.
The family hopes that they will be given the time by the media to reflect on this verdict and decide the best way to move forward privately.
The family also wanted the public to know that if anyone wanted to honor Caylee by leaving stuffed animals or other toys at any area near their home, that they would prefer those items be donated in Caylee’ s name to families in need, religious centers, or any other entity where the toys would be appreciated.
I am truly saddened by this, it brings up a lot of emotions for me, 6 months after my much loved and wanted baby boy died because my body failed him, and this woman kills her baby and gets away with it?!?!? I hope and I pray that she does not get one moment of rest, that she lives forever restless, with haunting memories of killing her daughter. As my aunt would say, Casey Anthony, I would not want to be in your socks and shoes when you come face to face with God.. While you might not have been found guilty in front of a jury of your peers, and our lousy judicial system, God has already picked the perfect spot in hell for you..
Rest in Peace baby girl, I hurt wondering if you knew what was happening to you, I shudder at the thought that of you suffocating to death in the trunk of your mommy's car while she was in a club having the time of her life.. You're well and whole, and I hope that you're at peace sweet Caylee.. I am in tears watching this unfold, your sweet photo's all over the news, you were a beautiful baby girl, that was taken way to soon, in such a cruel cruel way sweet baby!!! Your mommy should have protected you not hurt you!! You're in such a better place now baby girl!
Every body that has their children with them, and has the ability to hug and love on them, do it for Caylee tonight, do it for that sweet baby girl.. Love your babies just a little bit more!!