Our Journey.....

January 2001, it was a cold, blistery, icy day in Oklahoma City, the day my future husband asked me to be his girl!!! March 31, 2006 was our wedding day.. We had decided that since we'd already been together for 5 years that we would immediately start trying for a baby. So in April that's what we did.. It took us 3 months and in July we were looking at a positive pregnancy test.. It was the 5th of July.. I remember thinking the 4th that I had to of been pregnant, as the beer just tasted horrible and I was wanting to sleep.. That pregnancy was not the easiest.. We started bleeding from the beginning, it was diagnosed a subchorionic hemorrhage.. It was a huge blood clot between the uterus and placenta.. Well fast forward to 12 weeks after getting off bed rest and having no more bleeding.. We had an ultrasound to find that our precious baby had passed on 3 weeks before.. I had what they called a missed abortion (you won't see me use this term as I HATE it..) So I had to schedule a d n c for the next day.. That morning around 4 am I woke up to severe pains and bleeding only to find out that my body had finally realized that it was miscarrying, so we got bumped up a few hours to do the d n c.. Our dr. sent the 'remains' off to the lab for genetic testing and he called a few weeks later to tell me that our baby was a healthy baby boy.. We named him Xavier Ahren. He was 9 weeks 5 days and our d n c was on 9/19/06.. We were told we could try after our first cycle, so we did, we got pregnant 4 months later, we were excited, yet nervous.. There was no bleeding and our number's were progressing well. Well at 5 weeks we had an u/s.. Nothing but a sac. We were told to come back 2 weeks later, at 7 weeks we went back and still there was only a sac, but a second sac was visible now too..The dr. thought he had seen a second sac at 5 weeks but we didn't think nothing of it.. We were told to come back in a week.. We went back at 8 weeks 3 days, still only a sac, that was starting to shrink, and the second sac completely gone.. We were diagnosed with a blighted ovum and decided to do a d n c right then instead of waiting.. We were devastated, again....We call this baby (well what should have been a baby) February, we needed closure.. well I needed closure) 4 months later, June 27, 2007 could it be? Yes it is, a big fat positive, I couldn't believe it, whoo-hoo we were pregnant again.. I was nervous as all get out, could barely stand myself I was so nervous. We had slight spotting at 5 weeks and went to the ER, only to be told we had a slight subchorionic hemorrhage, you can about guess my nerves shot straight through the roof, great here we go again.... I prepared myself to lose this baby too, but wait, it's 12 weeks and we're still pregnant, and there's a heartbeat?!?! Wow, 19 weeks and it's a BOY?!?! Is this for real? Is this really happening? We're going to be parents for real this time? Little did we know what God had in store for us....... January 21, 2008, Martin Luther King day, Monday, and the beginning of our 33rd week.. Everything started out great, Our little boy had woke me up at 5 am having a little kick-boxing tournament, this was the VERY FIRST time this had ever happened. I went about my morning, got on the computer, was fixing to start chatting with some girlfriends of mine, when I got the most oddest, most painful cramp I've ever gotten.. In all honesty I thought I had to go to the bathroom.. So I finished typing out what I had to say, and headed to the bathroom, the only thing was the pain was overwhelming, I was literally on my tip-toes.. (if I knew then what I know now, I would have just started pushing right then.... :( ) I sat down and hear a pop, gush....My first thought was Oh shit, my water just broke, I'm only 33 weeks, and we still have 7 weeks to go, ok, we can deal with NICU.. But then I look down.. The image I seen will forever haunt me, blood, and lots of it, I've never in all of my life seen so much blood as I did this day.. From here everything went down hill and FAST!! I stood up, grabbed some tissue and put it between my legs and ran to the living room, grabbed the phone, and called my husband, I was so scared, and deep inside, I knew he was gone...But I get a hold of him.. We talk he leaves work.. Well not thinking of the holiday it was I called my dr's office, no answer, I'm starting to feel faint and light headed, so I lay down on the floor, I called the ER and told them what was going on, all they could say is "why are you calling the er?" I just hung up.. Aaron called and was on the phone with 911 when he walked in the house.. He helped me to the living room couch where I laid down and was in so much pain, more pain than I ever imagined possible.. The paramedics showed up. finally.. Well apparently I got the pick of the day, 2 of the most ignorant, most hateful, degrading, pieces of crap people to come help us.. One was a rookie, and the other was a jerk.. The jerk asked me if I was pregnant? Duh, I'm 8 months freaking pregnant!! I'm huge!! He then says "Are you bleeding?" My reply was yes, his was well you miscarried......WHAT?!?! You're seriously going to tell a freaking 8 month pregnant woman that she just miscarried.. I already hated the idiot.. He then asks me if I can get up on my own and move to the gurney, sure I say, and as I do I throw up, he then thrust this bag in my face and say's "throw up in here not in my bus, I just cleaned it" they then proceed to wheel me out of my house, with no blanket on, just panties and a t-shirt.. I asked for my own blanket. Then they wheel me over the stepping stones instead of picking me up and carrying me, this hurt like you wouldn't believe the pain is still very vivid in my mind.. We'd already told them 2 times they've asked what hospital we were going to, twice, Women's and children's.. they get me in the ambulance, and pull out.. They didn't give me oxygen or anything except an iv. of saline.. I keep feeling the need to pass out, and gushes of blood coming out of me.. I told him that I felt like I was going to pass out, and he said there was nothing he could do, I was already laying down. So about this time I look out the window wondering why it's taking so long to get to my hospital, the idiots took me to the wrong hospital... . I keep feeling the need to close my eyes...just go to sleep.. Well they FINALLY get me to Women's and Children's, and upstairs to Labor and Delivery, where I coded, on the spot.. I remember the nurse checking me, and her saying that I was dialated 2 cm, and trying to find Tristan's heartbeat, it wasn't there.. I remember looking to Aaron and saying he's gone honey, my baby's gone, and Aaron, and the nurse both saying no he's probably hiding.. then I vaguely remember hearing Aaron say her eyes are rolling and the nurse saying Oh shit (as she hits the wall) and saying I need help in here.. (Later found out she called a code blue on me).. The next memories are in and out, and still comes back in flashes.. I remember waking in this room, very cold, and 2 people above my head, one woman on man, and I hear them saying we need to intibuate and start cpr, where is everyone at? I remember my dr. Dr. H standing next to me saying "Hi Shannon, it's me Dr. H and there's no fetal heart activity we need to operate immediately to find out where the bleed is before we lose you.. Then I felt him cut me, and everything went black.. The next thing I remember is waking up in the recovery room, looking up and seeing Aaron's face, and knowing that something was VERY wrong.. Then our social worker, Ms. Mary asked me if I would like to hold our son.....This was the first time I seen my little boy, he was gone, lifeless, but the most amazing creature I've ever seen, the most beautiful little boy.. Beings that I had a c section I had to stay in the hospital for a few days.. We were released, on Jan. 24, 2008 and it was hard leaving that hospital with only plants and a memory box full of Tristan's belongings, yet leaving him there.. This blog is full of the last 2 years and the years of battling infertility, and our journey to parent hood, if it's meant to be..

Wednesday, June 29, 2011

What is this?

What is this feeling I feel? Is this happiness? True, unguarded happiness? I seriously for the first time in 3 years do not feel like I'm faking this.. LOl, maybe I got so good at putting on that happy mask, that it finally sunk in. hee hee, I kid... :) I feel guilty though at times that I'm not still grieving. To be totally honest, this feeling of happiness, and peacefulness has gotten stronger since cutting my dad out of my life. Plus working, let me tell you how good that feels.. I'm finally getting out of the house, away from the constant thoughts, it's so what's the word so liberating.. Sure, I miss staying home, my animals miss me for sure, but for me, I think this is truly where my momma was trying to get me to before she died.. She didn't stop from the day Tristan died, she didn't stop trying to help me out of that dark dark place I was. But knowing she has him, and she's taking care of him, that is the most comforting thought. Being out in the public again, is doing more for me than just boosting my spirit, I'm losing this weight.. (finally ;) I'm smiling all the time now, I'm wearing make up, and actually caring what I look like again.. I'm out of my pj's!! I seriously never thought I'd see the day where I could actually handle seeing, much less talking to a woman that's expecting.. Or talk so easily about my infertility, and the plan of action.. It no longer feels like I'm this dark plague that no one wants to approach.

I am also so ecstatic to be finding all my old friends again.. I've searched for and wondered where they all ended up, with each friend there's memories that just remind me of fun times and it's all so wonderful.. I had lots of fun back in high school.. Most of my friends have stayed in or around my home state. But some reach as far as Germany to California.. It's awesome seeing where and what every one's doing, and how or if they've changed. It's been 15 years since I've seen the most recent friends, and we were close.. It was wonderful talking to one of those friends today. We shared a fun history.. It just makes me have a big smile to find people that have impacted my life in one way or another, especially at times I felt like I impacted no one. But really I guess I did, cause my friends were searching for me to. :)

Nothing else is really new on the home front, A is working some very long and hard hours so we really rarely see each other, I do miss him.. We have our breakfast and then don't see each other til 7-10pm.. :( Have to love the oilfield.. He's been going out in the field more to the last few months.. Which is good for pay, but bad for the body!! lol.. We're not such young pups anymore..
But it's honest, and we gotta do it!!

I really do wish my mommy was here to see how happy I am.. I miss her so much.. I love you momma!! Give Tristan, Xavier and February my kisses!!

Monday, June 20, 2011

Changes

So many changes have gone on the last few months. I don't even know where to begin..

I have been dealing with writers block, and I guess I'm so used to writing about all the sadness in my life, I've failed to share any happiness.. Maybe I feel guilty sometimes for being so happy, that I should be grieving still. Which don't get me wrong, I am still grieving, for my mom, and my sweet Tristan.. It's kinda hard to explain where I am right now, but I'm at peace and have a comfort and warmth in my heart that I haven't felt in a VERY VERY long time.

My mom, who was in fact my best friend, the one that I shared everything with is gone, so I find myself walking around talking to her.. For example, something happens and I'll be like, did you see that momma.. I have my aunt, which has been the best life savor for me. She is so so much like momma that it feels sometimes like I'm talking to momma again. I miss her so terribly much.. My grief is so much different for momma than for Tristan. I feel more of a peace with momma's loss.. I remember one day, I told my mom, you know we all expect to lose our parents, while it hurts like hell, we still expect it, but what we don't expect is to lose our children. When we lost momma, I feel like I lost both my mom and dad.. My momma was great at filling the role of both parents.. She was practically a single mom, even if she was married to my dad. He was never much of a dad, only when it was convenient for him. Or if it benefited him. He used to always say, there's assests and liabilities.. Can you guess which category my mom, brother and I fell into......Yep you nailed it, we were all liabilities. It's sad that he felt the need to divorce his children too when him and mom divorced a couple years ago.. But ya know, thinking about it, he needed to be there to divorce us right?!? lol.. Anyway, I did finally see him for what he was, and what I already knew but didn't want to believe. On my brother's and I birthday's, the ONLY reason he called either of us was to ask if he could have my mom's (his ex wife's) death certificate, so that he would no longer have to pay for my mom's student loan.. Before then I can't remember the last time he called, so there in a nut shell, he only accepted us when we had something he wanted.. Nice..

Anyway, since then, we had a huge blow up, his wife and I mainly, and now my grandparents won't even see me. WTF?? Oh well, as much as it hurts I have to say it's their loss. I'm praying like mad that God will lift the blinders that they have on, so that they can both see the truth and who their son really is.

Ok, enough of him, I've now cut him off, and he's not a part of my life any more and don't think he will ever be again.


I started working again!! SO happy about this. Loving every minute of it, even if it is only a few hours a day, it's so very worth it!! I've lost 10# since my first day of work.. It's nice, it gives me some time with humans having human conversations.. Instead of me trying to carry on conversations with dogs that just cock their head to the side, and look at me like I said the word treat..

I've also taken up couponing, and one day hope to be as good as those extreme couponer's.. I want a stock pile room and all. And we have the PERFECT spot for it.. See out of our 5 bedrooms, 2 are kinda like Jack and Jill bedrooms, where one is inside the other room.. Almost like maybe one was a sleeping quarter, the other a reading/study.. (Remember the house was built in 1936). Anyway the smaller room that is set in the back of the bigger room, is the perfect spot.. I also am dabbling in crochet, and cooking more. I love finding healthy, yummy recipe's..

We're still dealing with the infertility, but taking our time and just enjoying the summer and life right now..

I have some plans for the summer I'm excited that I'm finally after 5 years I'm going to get the pleasure of meeting some of the most amazing women. Women that have been in my life and my heart since the loss of our first baby. I've grown to love these women.. These women have been my strength when I most needed it and couldn't move from off the couch, and internet.. They have been my will power when I was lacking. They have been tough on me when I needed a good kick in the rear, and they've just loved me for me.. They really helped us out when we lost Tristan. From calling me the day after I had him, just to let me know that I was on their mind, to let me know they loved me and was thinking about Aaron and I. They also fed us for several months afterwards.. :) And the crazy part is, they live all over the world, from California, to Florida, from Massachusetts to Texas.. From Canada, to Georgia, women that I've never 'met', but have shared more with than I've shared with most anyone. Women that I finally get to meet!!! I'm so excited!!!

Our summer is trying to fill up fast, and I'm excited about that!!! It makes it more fun that way!!! Poor Aaron is so busy with work. He's putting in a LOT of long hours, which is another reason I'm glad to be back to working that way it's not so lonely without my baby at home.. ;)

Well I guess that I've said enough for now. I will try and keep up with writing, I forgot how good it feels to just let it out..

Rest in Peace Mommy

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