Our Journey.....

January 2001, it was a cold, blistery, icy day in Oklahoma City, the day my future husband asked me to be his girl!!! March 31, 2006 was our wedding day.. We had decided that since we'd already been together for 5 years that we would immediately start trying for a baby. So in April that's what we did.. It took us 3 months and in July we were looking at a positive pregnancy test.. It was the 5th of July.. I remember thinking the 4th that I had to of been pregnant, as the beer just tasted horrible and I was wanting to sleep.. That pregnancy was not the easiest.. We started bleeding from the beginning, it was diagnosed a subchorionic hemorrhage.. It was a huge blood clot between the uterus and placenta.. Well fast forward to 12 weeks after getting off bed rest and having no more bleeding.. We had an ultrasound to find that our precious baby had passed on 3 weeks before.. I had what they called a missed abortion (you won't see me use this term as I HATE it..) So I had to schedule a d n c for the next day.. That morning around 4 am I woke up to severe pains and bleeding only to find out that my body had finally realized that it was miscarrying, so we got bumped up a few hours to do the d n c.. Our dr. sent the 'remains' off to the lab for genetic testing and he called a few weeks later to tell me that our baby was a healthy baby boy.. We named him Xavier Ahren. He was 9 weeks 5 days and our d n c was on 9/19/06.. We were told we could try after our first cycle, so we did, we got pregnant 4 months later, we were excited, yet nervous.. There was no bleeding and our number's were progressing well. Well at 5 weeks we had an u/s.. Nothing but a sac. We were told to come back 2 weeks later, at 7 weeks we went back and still there was only a sac, but a second sac was visible now too..The dr. thought he had seen a second sac at 5 weeks but we didn't think nothing of it.. We were told to come back in a week.. We went back at 8 weeks 3 days, still only a sac, that was starting to shrink, and the second sac completely gone.. We were diagnosed with a blighted ovum and decided to do a d n c right then instead of waiting.. We were devastated, again....We call this baby (well what should have been a baby) February, we needed closure.. well I needed closure) 4 months later, June 27, 2007 could it be? Yes it is, a big fat positive, I couldn't believe it, whoo-hoo we were pregnant again.. I was nervous as all get out, could barely stand myself I was so nervous. We had slight spotting at 5 weeks and went to the ER, only to be told we had a slight subchorionic hemorrhage, you can about guess my nerves shot straight through the roof, great here we go again.... I prepared myself to lose this baby too, but wait, it's 12 weeks and we're still pregnant, and there's a heartbeat?!?! Wow, 19 weeks and it's a BOY?!?! Is this for real? Is this really happening? We're going to be parents for real this time? Little did we know what God had in store for us....... January 21, 2008, Martin Luther King day, Monday, and the beginning of our 33rd week.. Everything started out great, Our little boy had woke me up at 5 am having a little kick-boxing tournament, this was the VERY FIRST time this had ever happened. I went about my morning, got on the computer, was fixing to start chatting with some girlfriends of mine, when I got the most oddest, most painful cramp I've ever gotten.. In all honesty I thought I had to go to the bathroom.. So I finished typing out what I had to say, and headed to the bathroom, the only thing was the pain was overwhelming, I was literally on my tip-toes.. (if I knew then what I know now, I would have just started pushing right then.... :( ) I sat down and hear a pop, gush....My first thought was Oh shit, my water just broke, I'm only 33 weeks, and we still have 7 weeks to go, ok, we can deal with NICU.. But then I look down.. The image I seen will forever haunt me, blood, and lots of it, I've never in all of my life seen so much blood as I did this day.. From here everything went down hill and FAST!! I stood up, grabbed some tissue and put it between my legs and ran to the living room, grabbed the phone, and called my husband, I was so scared, and deep inside, I knew he was gone...But I get a hold of him.. We talk he leaves work.. Well not thinking of the holiday it was I called my dr's office, no answer, I'm starting to feel faint and light headed, so I lay down on the floor, I called the ER and told them what was going on, all they could say is "why are you calling the er?" I just hung up.. Aaron called and was on the phone with 911 when he walked in the house.. He helped me to the living room couch where I laid down and was in so much pain, more pain than I ever imagined possible.. The paramedics showed up. finally.. Well apparently I got the pick of the day, 2 of the most ignorant, most hateful, degrading, pieces of crap people to come help us.. One was a rookie, and the other was a jerk.. The jerk asked me if I was pregnant? Duh, I'm 8 months freaking pregnant!! I'm huge!! He then says "Are you bleeding?" My reply was yes, his was well you miscarried......WHAT?!?! You're seriously going to tell a freaking 8 month pregnant woman that she just miscarried.. I already hated the idiot.. He then asks me if I can get up on my own and move to the gurney, sure I say, and as I do I throw up, he then thrust this bag in my face and say's "throw up in here not in my bus, I just cleaned it" they then proceed to wheel me out of my house, with no blanket on, just panties and a t-shirt.. I asked for my own blanket. Then they wheel me over the stepping stones instead of picking me up and carrying me, this hurt like you wouldn't believe the pain is still very vivid in my mind.. We'd already told them 2 times they've asked what hospital we were going to, twice, Women's and children's.. they get me in the ambulance, and pull out.. They didn't give me oxygen or anything except an iv. of saline.. I keep feeling the need to pass out, and gushes of blood coming out of me.. I told him that I felt like I was going to pass out, and he said there was nothing he could do, I was already laying down. So about this time I look out the window wondering why it's taking so long to get to my hospital, the idiots took me to the wrong hospital... . I keep feeling the need to close my eyes...just go to sleep.. Well they FINALLY get me to Women's and Children's, and upstairs to Labor and Delivery, where I coded, on the spot.. I remember the nurse checking me, and her saying that I was dialated 2 cm, and trying to find Tristan's heartbeat, it wasn't there.. I remember looking to Aaron and saying he's gone honey, my baby's gone, and Aaron, and the nurse both saying no he's probably hiding.. then I vaguely remember hearing Aaron say her eyes are rolling and the nurse saying Oh shit (as she hits the wall) and saying I need help in here.. (Later found out she called a code blue on me).. The next memories are in and out, and still comes back in flashes.. I remember waking in this room, very cold, and 2 people above my head, one woman on man, and I hear them saying we need to intibuate and start cpr, where is everyone at? I remember my dr. Dr. H standing next to me saying "Hi Shannon, it's me Dr. H and there's no fetal heart activity we need to operate immediately to find out where the bleed is before we lose you.. Then I felt him cut me, and everything went black.. The next thing I remember is waking up in the recovery room, looking up and seeing Aaron's face, and knowing that something was VERY wrong.. Then our social worker, Ms. Mary asked me if I would like to hold our son.....This was the first time I seen my little boy, he was gone, lifeless, but the most amazing creature I've ever seen, the most beautiful little boy.. Beings that I had a c section I had to stay in the hospital for a few days.. We were released, on Jan. 24, 2008 and it was hard leaving that hospital with only plants and a memory box full of Tristan's belongings, yet leaving him there.. This blog is full of the last 2 years and the years of battling infertility, and our journey to parent hood, if it's meant to be..

Thursday, August 5, 2010

Ever feel....

Like the world and God has just given up on you? I feel like I fit in absolutely NO where.. I'm a member of many different online communities, where I used to feel so fulfilled, able to talk, and now, I feel lonely.. At home in real life I'm lonely.. I have nothing in common with anyone... Everyone's babies are turning 3... Everyone's getting pregnant... Why can't I? Why has God forgotten us?

I don't want sympathy, but I don't want to be forgotten either like some broken toy tossed to the side.. My friends in real life and cyber life RARELY IF EVER mention Tristan anymore.. Have they all forgotten him?

Although one friend that I hold very dear to my heart did write me an email here very recently that because of my Tristan, she loves her daughter's that much more, and gives them extra kisses and hugs.. That made my day, that little boy is my hero..

I feel down, hopeless and shattered again... I always get knocked right back down by reality.. I really must face reality that it's probably NOT going to happen.. I am broken, spiritually, emotionally and I guess physically..

I don't know what purpose God has in all this.. But I do know that I'm losing the battle and becoming a very bitter and angry person. I have been heard saying time and time again recently that it's never going to happen, I just need to sell what baby stuff I do have, and move on, get my tubes tied, or better yet, maybe a complete hysterectomy so that I never have to see the failure of every month..

Some of my dearest friends hardly even speak to me anymore, and I'm sure that's my fault as I don't speak much anymore either, but I don't know what to say, as I'm sure they're in the same boat. I know that everyone wants nothing more than us to have children, and are praying for us, but I feel like an outcast, hell I feel like an outcast in most situations, because you know, in real life, and cyber life I know of only a small amount of us that are still trying to fill our homes with at least just ONE baby. Everyone else is working on 2, 3, 4 or more.. I know that I shouldn't be jealous, but damnit I am beyond jealous.. Why them? Why not me? Better yet, WHY NOT BOTH OF US?!?!? Why can't I enjoy being pregnant with my friends? I would wish nothing but loads of children for everyone, but all I want is just one at least...

Maybe I'm being punished, maybe I'm not, but I don't know where to turn, either give me a baby or get rid of my womb......I think He's already closed it, so why fight the obvious?!? Just accept that it's never going to happen for us, we're never going to be parents.. Life sucks sometimes.......

6 comments:

Anonymous said...

I can't imagine how hard it must be to go through this shannon... But I do know that you handle it better than most people. Maybe not as you see it, but the rest of the world looks at you and sees such a strong woman who is NOT a quitter. I know an old family friend that used to talk to me all the time, even though she was 14 years older than me. She has been trying to get pregnant for the past 10 years she hass been married and been unsuccessful. The second she found out I was pregnant, she stopped talking to me, she refuses to even friend me on facebook because she is so bitter towards me and God.
Don't become her...
You have proof with Tristan that you can have children and that can be your hope each time.
God closed Rachel's womb for many years before allowing her to have two precious little boys, benjamin and joseph. Just keep trusting, your time is coming!!! I really do believe you will be a mommy not just to Tristan but to another child as well. I pray for you every single day and I know God can show himself powerful in ANYTHING, including this, if we just trust him. Which can be quite a challenge for all of us sometimes no matter what we are going thru...
Love you shannon

Tristansmommy said...

Thank you.. I am trying SO SO VERY HARD to not become bitter... My hope and faith are diminishing faster than I'd like to admit...
Thank you for your kind and loving words... I wish I knew who you were.. ♥

Anonymous said...

I do still think of Tristan and how beautiful he is. I hadn't seen his pictures in a long time until now, and I smiled looking at his sweet face. <3 I wish I could say more to comfort you, but I do have faith that you will have a kicking and screaming baby in your arms one day. ((HUGS))
Jenn (^Sophie^'s mommy)

Tristansmommy said...

Jen, thank you so much... Thank you for holding me up in faith when I'm losing mine... ((hugs and love))

Kristi said...

You know Shannon? You and Aaron are constantly on my mind - and I'm not just saying that. It would have been easier to just click back and continue reading down my blog-roll. It's hard for me being on the other side now (as difficult as that may seem to believe) I feel like I've lost friends because of Stella, like somehow she makes the empty holes go away and erases the last 3 years. The truth is I also ask this question: WHY NOT BOTH OF US?!?!? quite often. I did when we were losing pregnancy after pregnancy and then again once we were blessed with Stella. I know my situation isn't the same since I'm one of those with multiple kids now but I do know that the almost 5 years of loss and infertility, before Karleigh, were crushing and I didn't have any support aside from Jim. And you know what the last leg of this journey has been like for me. My support system, though 98% of it in cyberspace, was... IS so important. Heck, I haven't even been blogging as much for fear of hurting someone...

I guess that's all to say that even though you feel it, you are not alone. There are many of us that love you and Tristan and your other two angels. I pray that God reveals to you both peace and a miracle.

Love to you, hun. Keep your eyes fixed, even when they're filled with tears...

chinamoon1420 said...

Keep your eyes fixed even when they are filled with tears. I like that. Sounds like a good plan. Remember, God never promised us a fair life. But he always gives us what He knows we need. Open up your heart. Listen to Him. Worship Him. Be mad at Him. He still loves you anyway. He loves you unconditionally. He would never punish you. You are His child. Spend some time with God and maybe He will show you what He has in mind for you little by little. Remember, He loves you.
I haven't forgotten about Tristan or your other angels or you. I think about you all the time and check in on you from time to time. I hate that you are feeling so bitter. But I am also glad to hear that it is not everyday for you. I have never been in your shoes and I can't even begin to imagine what it is like to be in those shoes but I do know God loves you and will make good out of anything if you will open your heart and your eyes "through your tears" you may be able to see.

Sending love, praying your prayers will be answered and hugs to you

Rest in Peace Mommy

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