I used to LOVE April, I mean it used to be my all time favorite month, I don't guess my birthday could have had anything to do with it?!?! Yes at a time of innocence, childhood, you always looked forward to birthday's.. yeah I'm finally getting older.. As a young woman I used to wish my years away so I could hurry up and be a wife and mommy, I've wanted that life since I was a child.. Anytime we ever played house, I was always the mommy.... We think that is' so easy, we go through life thinking, we grow up, we get married, and have babies.. No little girl ever dreams, Oh I'll grow up, get married, have multiple miscarriages, a stillbirth, and then we'll deal with infertility, and maybe by the time you give up all dreams of having that "leave it to beaver" family, you have a life of shattered dreams, hurt feelings and pain and sorrow.. A marriage holding on by friendship and unconditional love for your spouse that it pains you to think that one day that love to will leave you.. Not for several, several years you pray, but to think about growing old, and saying goodbye one day just rips my heart in two..
I often watch my sweet husband and wonder where he is in all this, what his true feelings and emotions are. When he says I'm ok baby, does he really mean I hurt so bad and can't show it? I wonder at times, did he do too good of a job taking such wonderful care of me, that he forgot about him self.. I see him glance, and stare at our son's beautiful photo's, and times that you can see him day dreaming looking out the window thinking, "my son and I should be out there playing".. I see the pain, but don't know how to reach it, or if I even should.
I've seen the stress, strain and struggles our marriage has had the last 4 years of ttc. To be honest, we both seemed to jump back easier through the miscarriages, it's not that we didn't hurt like hell from losing our first and second babies, our precious dreams gone; but I also sadly know that first trimester losses are too common, and happen to way to many women/men.. It's almost like dr's, and people in general expect it (if you're on the side of loss, you will get it), but to lose a baby after 8 months of carrying him, feeling his every move, his every hiccup, worrying if he was hiccuping too much (lol)... Or holding him in your arms after he's already been called home, for some reason to me, there was a huge difference in the way that I dealt with his loss vs. Xavier's and February's. I feel guilty when thinking about this, but in all actuality it's true..
I feel sorta closer with Tristan, like he was the one, the one I was supposed to bring home, the one that we were getting the nursery ready for.. Now that's not saying that every Sept. 18 and 19th that I don't think of my sweet Xavier lost at 9w5d.. (we knew he was a boy from the chromosonal/genetic testing after m/c.) And it's not like every February 12, I don't think of the baby that NEVER developed, the baby that went for a year without a name, but I couldn't deal with not having that closure, so we named it February after the month we said good-bye to our little blighted ovum at 8w3d. And of course then we have Tristan's birthday January 21.. You know they say that the pain from loss lesson's, and while I agree with this to some point, it's different, it's settling that I'm always going to hurt, no matter what, or how happy I might be, I will never stop hurting. The mask is hard to wear at times..
People tell me, 'quit talking about him, it will hurt less' -yea you or me?-
People tell me to quit trying and it will happen..-yea, you've apparently never walked this journey.
People tell me, "in His time"- yea I know, heard it a million times.
Don't you think I would LOVE to quit trying, to have more patience, but that's not me, I'm not one that just can give up a little, or none at all...I'm either all in or all out, I for some reason can't find that happy little medium...
Don't you think I would love to be able to say that yea I wasn't even trying and look at this beautiful little blessing I've received..
Don't you think I would Love to go back to work but yea can't stand to see everything I don't have, and really hate the 'pathetic I feel sorry for you looks when you share your story.. Or when someone asks, "do you have any children", what am I supposed to do but to tell the truth? I always reply, yes, I have 3 in heaven.. I'm not lying nor denying my children, yet people look at me with this look, I don't want to face "the look".. So I stay home....I like home..
Wow, guess I just felt like talking today... Here's to a new (25th) cycle, and on to next month then we can finally get to the dr.. Then maybe we'll have some clear answers, and hopefully our blessing will come!!!
to my angels how I miss you so, not a day go by.. I love you all my sweet angels..
January 2001, it was a cold, blistery, icy day in Oklahoma City, the day my future husband asked me to be his girl!!! March 31, 2006 was our wedding day.. We had decided that since we'd already been together for 5 years that we would immediately start trying for a baby. So in April that's what we did.. It took us 3 months and in July we were looking at a positive pregnancy test.. It was the 5th of July.. I remember thinking the 4th that I had to of been pregnant, as the beer just tasted horrible and I was wanting to sleep.. That pregnancy was not the easiest.. We started bleeding from the beginning, it was diagnosed a subchorionic hemorrhage.. It was a huge blood clot between the uterus and placenta.. Well fast forward to 12 weeks after getting off bed rest and having no more bleeding.. We had an ultrasound to find that our precious baby had passed on 3 weeks before.. I had what they called a missed abortion (you won't see me use this term as I HATE it..) So I had to schedule a d n c for the next day.. That morning around 4 am I woke up to severe pains and bleeding only to find out that my body had finally realized that it was miscarrying, so we got bumped up a few hours to do the d n c.. Our dr. sent the 'remains' off to the lab for genetic testing and he called a few weeks later to tell me that our baby was a healthy baby boy.. We named him Xavier Ahren. He was 9 weeks 5 days and our d n c was on 9/19/06.. We were told we could try after our first cycle, so we did, we got pregnant 4 months later, we were excited, yet nervous.. There was no bleeding and our number's were progressing well. Well at 5 weeks we had an u/s.. Nothing but a sac. We were told to come back 2 weeks later, at 7 weeks we went back and still there was only a sac, but a second sac was visible now too..The dr. thought he had seen a second sac at 5 weeks but we didn't think nothing of it.. We were told to come back in a week.. We went back at 8 weeks 3 days, still only a sac, that was starting to shrink, and the second sac completely gone.. We were diagnosed with a blighted ovum and decided to do a d n c right then instead of waiting.. We were devastated, again....We call this baby (well what should have been a baby) February, we needed closure.. well I needed closure) 4 months later, June 27, 2007 could it be? Yes it is, a big fat positive, I couldn't believe it, whoo-hoo we were pregnant again.. I was nervous as all get out, could barely stand myself I was so nervous. We had slight spotting at 5 weeks and went to the ER, only to be told we had a slight subchorionic hemorrhage, you can about guess my nerves shot straight through the roof, great here we go again.... I prepared myself to lose this baby too, but wait, it's 12 weeks and we're still pregnant, and there's a heartbeat?!?! Wow, 19 weeks and it's a BOY?!?! Is this for real? Is this really happening? We're going to be parents for real this time? Little did we know what God had in store for us....... January 21, 2008, Martin Luther King day, Monday, and the beginning of our 33rd week.. Everything started out great, Our little boy had woke me up at 5 am having a little kick-boxing tournament, this was the VERY FIRST time this had ever happened. I went about my morning, got on the computer, was fixing to start chatting with some girlfriends of mine, when I got the most oddest, most painful cramp I've ever gotten.. In all honesty I thought I had to go to the bathroom.. So I finished typing out what I had to say, and headed to the bathroom, the only thing was the pain was overwhelming, I was literally on my tip-toes.. (if I knew then what I know now, I would have just started pushing right then.... :( ) I sat down and hear a pop, gush....My first thought was Oh shit, my water just broke, I'm only 33 weeks, and we still have 7 weeks to go, ok, we can deal with NICU.. But then I look down.. The image I seen will forever haunt me, blood, and lots of it, I've never in all of my life seen so much blood as I did this day.. From here everything went down hill and FAST!! I stood up, grabbed some tissue and put it between my legs and ran to the living room, grabbed the phone, and called my husband, I was so scared, and deep inside, I knew he was gone...But I get a hold of him.. We talk he leaves work.. Well not thinking of the holiday it was I called my dr's office, no answer, I'm starting to feel faint and light headed, so I lay down on the floor, I called the ER and told them what was going on, all they could say is "why are you calling the er?" I just hung up.. Aaron called and was on the phone with 911 when he walked in the house.. He helped me to the living room couch where I laid down and was in so much pain, more pain than I ever imagined possible.. The paramedics showed up. finally.. Well apparently I got the pick of the day, 2 of the most ignorant, most hateful, degrading, pieces of crap people to come help us.. One was a rookie, and the other was a jerk.. The jerk asked me if I was pregnant? Duh, I'm 8 months freaking pregnant!! I'm huge!! He then says "Are you bleeding?" My reply was yes, his was well you miscarried......WHAT?!?! You're seriously going to tell a freaking 8 month pregnant woman that she just miscarried.. I already hated the idiot.. He then asks me if I can get up on my own and move to the gurney, sure I say, and as I do I throw up, he then thrust this bag in my face and say's "throw up in here not in my bus, I just cleaned it" they then proceed to wheel me out of my house, with no blanket on, just panties and a t-shirt.. I asked for my own blanket. Then they wheel me over the stepping stones instead of picking me up and carrying me, this hurt like you wouldn't believe the pain is still very vivid in my mind.. We'd already told them 2 times they've asked what hospital we were going to, twice, Women's and children's.. they get me in the ambulance, and pull out.. They didn't give me oxygen or anything except an iv. of saline.. I keep feeling the need to pass out, and gushes of blood coming out of me.. I told him that I felt like I was going to pass out, and he said there was nothing he could do, I was already laying down. So about this time I look out the window wondering why it's taking so long to get to my hospital, the idiots took me to the wrong hospital... . I keep feeling the need to close my eyes...just go to sleep.. Well they FINALLY get me to Women's and Children's, and upstairs to Labor and Delivery, where I coded, on the spot.. I remember the nurse checking me, and her saying that I was dialated 2 cm, and trying to find Tristan's heartbeat, it wasn't there.. I remember looking to Aaron and saying he's gone honey, my baby's gone, and Aaron, and the nurse both saying no he's probably hiding.. then I vaguely remember hearing Aaron say her eyes are rolling and the nurse saying Oh shit (as she hits the wall) and saying I need help in here.. (Later found out she called a code blue on me).. The next memories are in and out, and still comes back in flashes.. I remember waking in this room, very cold, and 2 people above my head, one woman on man, and I hear them saying we need to intibuate and start cpr, where is everyone at? I remember my dr. Dr. H standing next to me saying "Hi Shannon, it's me Dr. H and there's no fetal heart activity we need to operate immediately to find out where the bleed is before we lose you.. Then I felt him cut me, and everything went black.. The next thing I remember is waking up in the recovery room, looking up and seeing Aaron's face, and knowing that something was VERY wrong.. Then our social worker, Ms. Mary asked me if I would like to hold our son.....This was the first time I seen my little boy, he was gone, lifeless, but the most amazing creature I've ever seen, the most beautiful little boy.. Beings that I had a c section I had to stay in the hospital for a few days.. We were released, on Jan. 24, 2008 and it was hard leaving that hospital with only plants and a memory box full of Tristan's belongings, yet leaving him there.. This blog is full of the last 2 years and the years of battling infertility, and our journey to parent hood, if it's meant to be..