Our Journey.....

January 2001, it was a cold, blistery, icy day in Oklahoma City, the day my future husband asked me to be his girl!!! March 31, 2006 was our wedding day.. We had decided that since we'd already been together for 5 years that we would immediately start trying for a baby. So in April that's what we did.. It took us 3 months and in July we were looking at a positive pregnancy test.. It was the 5th of July.. I remember thinking the 4th that I had to of been pregnant, as the beer just tasted horrible and I was wanting to sleep.. That pregnancy was not the easiest.. We started bleeding from the beginning, it was diagnosed a subchorionic hemorrhage.. It was a huge blood clot between the uterus and placenta.. Well fast forward to 12 weeks after getting off bed rest and having no more bleeding.. We had an ultrasound to find that our precious baby had passed on 3 weeks before.. I had what they called a missed abortion (you won't see me use this term as I HATE it..) So I had to schedule a d n c for the next day.. That morning around 4 am I woke up to severe pains and bleeding only to find out that my body had finally realized that it was miscarrying, so we got bumped up a few hours to do the d n c.. Our dr. sent the 'remains' off to the lab for genetic testing and he called a few weeks later to tell me that our baby was a healthy baby boy.. We named him Xavier Ahren. He was 9 weeks 5 days and our d n c was on 9/19/06.. We were told we could try after our first cycle, so we did, we got pregnant 4 months later, we were excited, yet nervous.. There was no bleeding and our number's were progressing well. Well at 5 weeks we had an u/s.. Nothing but a sac. We were told to come back 2 weeks later, at 7 weeks we went back and still there was only a sac, but a second sac was visible now too..The dr. thought he had seen a second sac at 5 weeks but we didn't think nothing of it.. We were told to come back in a week.. We went back at 8 weeks 3 days, still only a sac, that was starting to shrink, and the second sac completely gone.. We were diagnosed with a blighted ovum and decided to do a d n c right then instead of waiting.. We were devastated, again....We call this baby (well what should have been a baby) February, we needed closure.. well I needed closure) 4 months later, June 27, 2007 could it be? Yes it is, a big fat positive, I couldn't believe it, whoo-hoo we were pregnant again.. I was nervous as all get out, could barely stand myself I was so nervous. We had slight spotting at 5 weeks and went to the ER, only to be told we had a slight subchorionic hemorrhage, you can about guess my nerves shot straight through the roof, great here we go again.... I prepared myself to lose this baby too, but wait, it's 12 weeks and we're still pregnant, and there's a heartbeat?!?! Wow, 19 weeks and it's a BOY?!?! Is this for real? Is this really happening? We're going to be parents for real this time? Little did we know what God had in store for us....... January 21, 2008, Martin Luther King day, Monday, and the beginning of our 33rd week.. Everything started out great, Our little boy had woke me up at 5 am having a little kick-boxing tournament, this was the VERY FIRST time this had ever happened. I went about my morning, got on the computer, was fixing to start chatting with some girlfriends of mine, when I got the most oddest, most painful cramp I've ever gotten.. In all honesty I thought I had to go to the bathroom.. So I finished typing out what I had to say, and headed to the bathroom, the only thing was the pain was overwhelming, I was literally on my tip-toes.. (if I knew then what I know now, I would have just started pushing right then.... :( ) I sat down and hear a pop, gush....My first thought was Oh shit, my water just broke, I'm only 33 weeks, and we still have 7 weeks to go, ok, we can deal with NICU.. But then I look down.. The image I seen will forever haunt me, blood, and lots of it, I've never in all of my life seen so much blood as I did this day.. From here everything went down hill and FAST!! I stood up, grabbed some tissue and put it between my legs and ran to the living room, grabbed the phone, and called my husband, I was so scared, and deep inside, I knew he was gone...But I get a hold of him.. We talk he leaves work.. Well not thinking of the holiday it was I called my dr's office, no answer, I'm starting to feel faint and light headed, so I lay down on the floor, I called the ER and told them what was going on, all they could say is "why are you calling the er?" I just hung up.. Aaron called and was on the phone with 911 when he walked in the house.. He helped me to the living room couch where I laid down and was in so much pain, more pain than I ever imagined possible.. The paramedics showed up. finally.. Well apparently I got the pick of the day, 2 of the most ignorant, most hateful, degrading, pieces of crap people to come help us.. One was a rookie, and the other was a jerk.. The jerk asked me if I was pregnant? Duh, I'm 8 months freaking pregnant!! I'm huge!! He then says "Are you bleeding?" My reply was yes, his was well you miscarried......WHAT?!?! You're seriously going to tell a freaking 8 month pregnant woman that she just miscarried.. I already hated the idiot.. He then asks me if I can get up on my own and move to the gurney, sure I say, and as I do I throw up, he then thrust this bag in my face and say's "throw up in here not in my bus, I just cleaned it" they then proceed to wheel me out of my house, with no blanket on, just panties and a t-shirt.. I asked for my own blanket. Then they wheel me over the stepping stones instead of picking me up and carrying me, this hurt like you wouldn't believe the pain is still very vivid in my mind.. We'd already told them 2 times they've asked what hospital we were going to, twice, Women's and children's.. they get me in the ambulance, and pull out.. They didn't give me oxygen or anything except an iv. of saline.. I keep feeling the need to pass out, and gushes of blood coming out of me.. I told him that I felt like I was going to pass out, and he said there was nothing he could do, I was already laying down. So about this time I look out the window wondering why it's taking so long to get to my hospital, the idiots took me to the wrong hospital... . I keep feeling the need to close my eyes...just go to sleep.. Well they FINALLY get me to Women's and Children's, and upstairs to Labor and Delivery, where I coded, on the spot.. I remember the nurse checking me, and her saying that I was dialated 2 cm, and trying to find Tristan's heartbeat, it wasn't there.. I remember looking to Aaron and saying he's gone honey, my baby's gone, and Aaron, and the nurse both saying no he's probably hiding.. then I vaguely remember hearing Aaron say her eyes are rolling and the nurse saying Oh shit (as she hits the wall) and saying I need help in here.. (Later found out she called a code blue on me).. The next memories are in and out, and still comes back in flashes.. I remember waking in this room, very cold, and 2 people above my head, one woman on man, and I hear them saying we need to intibuate and start cpr, where is everyone at? I remember my dr. Dr. H standing next to me saying "Hi Shannon, it's me Dr. H and there's no fetal heart activity we need to operate immediately to find out where the bleed is before we lose you.. Then I felt him cut me, and everything went black.. The next thing I remember is waking up in the recovery room, looking up and seeing Aaron's face, and knowing that something was VERY wrong.. Then our social worker, Ms. Mary asked me if I would like to hold our son.....This was the first time I seen my little boy, he was gone, lifeless, but the most amazing creature I've ever seen, the most beautiful little boy.. Beings that I had a c section I had to stay in the hospital for a few days.. We were released, on Jan. 24, 2008 and it was hard leaving that hospital with only plants and a memory box full of Tristan's belongings, yet leaving him there.. This blog is full of the last 2 years and the years of battling infertility, and our journey to parent hood, if it's meant to be..

Thursday, January 21, 2010

Happy Birthday



Happy Birthday my baby boy!! How badly we miss you and wish that you were here, that we were having a real birthday party for you, but I can only imagine the birthday that you had!! I love you so very very much Tristan.. 2 years it's been since I've held your lifeless little self.. 2 years it's been since I've felt your last kick.. I'm sorry I'm not with you, and I hope that you're alright, just keep knowing that one day mommy and daddy will get to hold, run and play with you and your siblings soon!!

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Happy birthday to you
happy birthday to you
happy birthday my sweet Tristan
happy birthday to you!!

Oh son we love and miss you.. Stay near, and know that you're ALWAYS in our hearts, always!!

Friday, January 1, 2010

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!

Well the day is nearing an end, and I have a moment to write.... This year in summery has been another difficult year, so I was really glad to see it go..

My year was well it was just that, long, boring at times, sad at times, full of new's I did a LOT of healing this last year so that's good.. I made new friends through that healing and the ones I already had we grew closer.. I am greatful for the friends that stood by me, and I am greatful for the rekindled friends as well..



My mother had 5 yes FIVE heartattacks, 2 of which were massive, and she coded (died if you will) all 5 times.....I'm VERY VERY greatful my momma is here with us another year, this tickles me pink..

My brother is SOBER!!! I never thought this day would come, I can't tell you how happy I am about that, how exciting he's got new and available opportunities for himself now!!

My father is apparently getting remarried, maybe the 3rd time will be the charm. Sickening yes I agree.....I have no further words, I hurt that he's I guess "forgot" that he has 2 adult children of HIS own, but that's alright, it is what it is.....

We bought a house!! This is a very good thing!! I LOVE our house, it's everything plus more than what I ever dreamt of owning!! Our first holidays' here were a huge hit, and I'm so proud of that, although I really don't recommend hosting TWO holiday dinners in a row when on a VERY tight budget, and just buying a house... Unless you're made of money!! Whew glad it's over!! Lol, ha ha :)..

My Inlaws are doing splendly they've come down twice once for Thanksgiving and then for New Year, always great spending time with them and getting to know them even better..

We got a puppy, her name is Bandi, the cats are taking their sweet time getting used to her, but hopefully within the next few weeks they will be fast friends.

My best friend is pregnant again, expecting a little girl, I couldn't be happier, I'm going to be an adopted aunty again!!! :D

A LOT of my great friends my cyber family have had their babies, some of which were the 2nd babies, and I am so honored to be apart of their lives....

A lot of my 2nd cyber family the family that NO parent wants to be apart of have had their rainbows or are expecting their rainbows, and that is the most awesome thing to see and be a part of..

My cousin, who has waited patiently for a baby since her and her husband were married and have been going through the adoption process for the last 2 years finally got their prayers answered right before the new year, how wonderful for our God to bless them with a beautiful perfect little boy!!

And we're still experiencing secondary infertility, it sucks, and I feel broken and like a failure that my body has just stopped getting pregnant, like it's almost forgotten how!! I'm praying with a little work on myself and getting myself back to a healthy body then somehow it will click with my body that hey, its' ok to get pg..... It's time, it's been almost 2 years that we've been trying to conceive after having Tristan....

The holidays were a lot easier to get through than I thought, the week or so before were hard, but I'm ok, I miss my son terribly, but he was called home for something very special I'm sure.. I have faith in our God that He will bless us with the desires of our hearts because I refuse to lose faith or give up ttc...

So this is our last year in summery. It's not pretty but it's our year..

I have a vow to change myself, and my life!!!
So I hope that everyone has a very Happy New year, and New Decade......Many blessings, and much happiness I hope finds you!!!

Rest in Peace Mommy

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