Denise Arlene Smith Maddox.....AKA Mommy

On Friday November 5th, I get a very heartbreaking phone call from my brother telling me that he thinks mom had a stroke and is in the hospital.. I quickly get dressed, Aaron gets home, and we rush to the hospital.. Sure enough, she's had a massive stroke, but they got her there in less than an hour so the TPA shot was given and hoped that it would work.

She was moved up to ICU that night, room 201, I went home that night, only because it was past 1 am and I needed a blanket etc. So I got a couple hours sleep, woke, showered, and rushed back up to the hospital, with my crochet, computer, bag of clothes, and a blanket.. She was able to recognize us at this point, she had been trying to talk but her speech was gone, it kept sounding like she was saying "I'm sorry" over and over.. We clearly heard sissy (that's what she called me) and bubba (my brother) I love you, and that was about it".. She was paralyzed fully on the right side..

Saturday she stayed in the ICU, where they monitored her vitals, and poor momma was getting so frustrated with us cause she couldn't communicate with us.. She had tried writing, and I still couldn't figure out what she was trying to tell me, Saturday was a good day..

Sunday, she was doing really good she had passed her swallow test, recognized us all, tried talking to my aunt, and we were all so proud cause she was fighting so hard to beat this.. She had been moved upstairs to the telemetry floor, 6th floor.. My cousin had made it in, and she and my brother decided that night to spend the night with her, and so I went home..

First thing Monday morning, I wake, shower, go get donuts, and momma a plant, she absolutely loved plants.. I got a card and signed EVERYONE'S name that loved her to that card. When I got to the hospital she was sleeping a LOT, and when she did wake, she looked at me like she didn't recognize me, like she was very dazed.. They had scheduled a procedure to check her heart to see if the clot that caused her stroke had come from her heart.. During this time, she's just seeming more and more distant to me, looks at me, but like she's looking right through me.. This Dr. came in and decided to talk about her finances, and gruffly told her that if she didn't have the insurance to cover rehab then it would have to come out of her pocket, and if she couldn't afford it, then she wouldn't receive the rehab. I could have killed that short dude with my bare hands, but the entire time walking to speak to him, I'm praying for God to give me the proper words to say.. Well the nurse finally comes to get her to take her for the procedure and I inform her of the condition she's in, very dazed, well she tells her dr. and he tried doing the procedure but momma was clenching her teeth.. The dr. didn't like the way she is looking so they send her for a MRI.. During the MRI they find out that the stroke (clot) has extended to her brain stem.. Not good, but not a death sentence either.. So they send her back to the ICU, because the brain stem is what controls your breathing. I didn't leave the hospital again.. She pulled out her IV on the way back to the ICU.. ( I think this was the first sign that she was giving up)..

Tuesday there's no real change, she's sqeezing our hand, rubbing our fingers, and really rubbing her face, and head, she'd rubbed her eyes so much that she had slight bruising under them.. I hated seeing my mommy like this and there was NOTHING I could do.. She was sweating profusely and they kept telling me, this is normal for cerebral (brain) patients.. At the 5 o'clock visit her blood pressure spiked dangerously high, 247/187 (going off memory here).. They told me this was possibly a fluke because she kept pushing off her pulse ox sensor.. She kept rubbing her head. She also pulled out her IV again, so they'd moved it to her left hand where she couldn't pull it out.. I kept asking if she was in pain, but they told me that she would have been wincing or something, and that she couldn't be administered pain meds because it was a stroke.. At the 9pm visit her bp was normal again, and she was still sweating so badly.. Her night nurse was such a sweet heart, and really cared for his patients.. He had asked us to get some shampoo and a brush for her, the poor thing had not had her hair brushed since Friday, and had a huge mat in the back of her hair.. Aaron brought some shampoo right up but had forgotten a brush, (not to worry I had one with my stuff..) Well we had went and grabbed a bite to eat, it was a little after 10, (they always let me stay longer than the 30 minute visits.. :) Well the nurse J, called me and asked me if I would mind coming to brush her hair, This was such a great honor to me, I was able to talk to her while brushing her hair, telling her how much I loved her, and how pretty she was, and I was sorry if I was pulling it, she would motion that it hurt a few times.. That time will always be so very very special to me.. I kissed her goodnight and told her I was in the waiting room and would see her shortly!

Wednesday is a day that I will never as long as I live forget..
I went to see her at 9, and she was sleeping, didn't open her eyes the entire time I was there, I felt uneasy about this, but the nurse assured me that she'd opened her eyes for her.. She still was squeezing my hands though, this was a little reassuring..

12 pm, she was still not opening her eyes, her blood pressure was spiking again, it was 206/147.. They gave her meds and told me by the time I got back for 5pm that it would be down.. She needed to be cleaned up so our visit was a little shorter than normal, so Amanda (my bff) and I went to Hobby Lobby to get the shirts that we were going to make her for rehab.. they were purple and said Git +R Done Sissy, and the other one was the same except it said mom.. Then I went to McAlaster's and got a salad, had went back up to the waiting room, but it was crowded, and I just wanted to 'breath' for a bit, so I sat in my car and ate lunch.. Around 4ish my brother called me and said that they had called him, that momma coded, and had to be intubated.. I rushed upstairs, (leaving everything in the car).. I stopped in the restroom first, and as soon as I stepped in the hall, I hear "CODE BLUE SICU, CODE BLUE SICU" Let me tell you that elevator couldn't move fast enough, I KNEW this was my mommy.. I get up there, and I can't hardly contain myself, I drop to my knees, there are other family member's out there thinking it's their family, I assured them, it wasn't, that this was my mom..

You remember the Dr. I mentioned earlier that had chosen to speak finances with my mom? Well it was him that had to come get me, and tell me that she had coded twice in 30 minutes, and they'd done cpr, and tubed her, and that she only was showing 10% brain activity.. It was all I could do to hold myself up, I think God was truly holding me at that time cause I just wanted to collapse.. So he said that they would clean her up and let me back..

Well not even 10 minutes go by, and he calls me back again, I'm thinking ok, I get to go see her now, no, he was telling me that she was very very critical, and that I needed to call whatever family to come because she was now had 0 brain activity, and was only being kept alive by meds making her heart beat and the machine breathing for her.. I couldn't grasp what I was hearing.. Again he said they needed to clean her up, that they had broken a few ribs during cpr, and that her pupils were already fixed and dilated, and it wouldn't be long I would be allowed back.. Thank God Amanda was there, and 2 ladies that were praying with me.. One of which that was already on her way to pray with mom.. My grandmother's pastor had called her.. She didn't know that it was MY mom she was going to pray with, til she asked me mom's name.. The rest is kinda a blur, but I remember calling everyone and letting them talk to her in her ear (they say that hearing is the last to go, I don't know)..

Justin finally got there, and we both told her it was "ok mom, you don't have to fight anymore, you can go home" (those were the hardest words I've ever spoken).. We had to make a decision to prolong her life on machines, or to let her go.. We made the decision to let her go be with Jesus.. She wouldn't have had any quality of life as a vegetable. Time had gotten away from me so I really don't know what times this all was happening.. They turned of the IV meds keeping her heart going, but had to keep the vent going until the dr. came to shut it off. I remember this time being so long, we talked to her, cried, laughed, and I remember crawling in bed with her and just holding her, and begging her to come back, but I knew this was impossible.. I was not prepared to say good-bye..

Well since they only had one dr. on call she was backed up in the ER, so she actually never made it to shut off the machines.. I remember watching her heartbeat on the screen, and it was staying steady in the 90's, then around midnight or right before it started dropping, 87, 86, 85, 86, 87, 75, 60 when it got to 60 I whispered in her ear, "Mommy, don't worry about us, we will be alright, I will take care of Justin" her heartbeat went immediately to 0..... I looked at the clock, and remember seeing 12:14 am although time of death wasn't called til 12:37 am, and we were then able to come back in and say our good byes with no tubes in her and all cleaned up..

My mommy is now with her daddy, her favorite aunties, and her grandbabies.. I know that she's happier than she's ever been in life.. But the selfish part of wants her back.. But I know that she's here, her love and guidance surrounds me and my brother, I know this.. She taught us the very true meaning of unconditional love, and loving Christ..

I thank you mommy for every life lesson that you've ever taught me, every prayer you've ever prayed, and for every tear you've ever cried in worry, and love for me.. I will strive to the day I am called home to be with you, to make you proud. To be the woman that you raised.. While you may have never carried a child in your womb, you would have NEVER known that by your love for us kids.. I love you with everything that I am momma, and I'm more like you than you ever knew.. Take care of my boys til I get there.. I can't wait til the day we're all joined again.. I love you..


Denise Arlene (Smith) Maddox
(May 8, 1961 - November 11, 2010)

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Denise Arlene (Smith) Maddox

Funeral services for Denise Arlene (Smith) Maddox will be 2:00pm Tuesday, November 16, 2010 in the Henninger-Hinson Funeral Home Chapel with Pastor Danny Marney officiating. Burial will follow in Waukomis Cemetery. Services are under the direction of Henninger-Hinson Funeral Home.

Denise was called home to her Lord and Savior Jesus Christ on November 11, 2010 in Rayne, LA. She was born May 8, 1961 to Jud and Georgia (Post) Smith in El Paso, TX, then moved to Waukomis as a young girl.

Denise was a beautiful gift from God, so full of life and love for her God and family. She will be so dearly missed by all who knew her.

She was preceded in death by her father, Jud Smith; grandson, Tristin Goodwin and nephew, Donny Letourneau.

Denise is survived by her son, Justin Maddox of Rayne, LA; daughter, Shannon (Maddox) Goodwin and husband, Aaron of St. Martinsville, LA; mother, Georgia Smith of Waukomis; two brothers, Val Smith and wife, Mary; Dean Smith and wife, Jeannie; three sisters, Joyce Letourneau and husband, Don; Karen Tiessen and husband, Chuck, all of Enid; Renee Fuksa and husband, Landis of Bison as well as numerous nieces, nephews, great nieces and great nephews.

Memorials can be made through the funeral home to Children’s Miracle Network.


Here's some photo's for everyone's enjoyment. .She was so loving, had such a great sense of humor, and LOVED life..

This is her and her best friend..


Her, her bff, and her bff's daughter


Her and my cousin for Mardi Gras



Mom..







Her last Christmas with us.. Christmas 2009

Test results

Today I got the results of my blood work.. It seems as though my insulin is highly elevated. I am prediabetic, and will be going on metformin for at least a couple months, they will even keep me on it if/when I get pregnant, to ward off gestational diabetes.. They are also saying that more than likely I'm pcos, and haven't been ovulating on my own, hence why I never get a true positive on any opk's (ovulation predictor kits).. He said that if I don't get pregnant with the metforming in a couple months then they will start low dose fertility meds..

It's a lot to swallow, to know that my insulin is so elevated, and that I've not been truly ovulating on my own, they said my body is gearing up for it but just not truly doing it. That I can have lighter than normal periods (which I have) without ovulating, and that my cycles don't always have to be 40+ days, or that your ovaries don't always have to be full of cysts to be pcos, but I've got every other symptom, the facial hair, the weight gain around the mid section, the abdominal hair, the lack of true ovulation, the elevated insulin.. It's all really intimidating right now..

They told me that the metformin will probably also help me lose weight as it will cause nausea, vomiting, and diarrhea, but to keep taking it cause it will help me.. And that those feelings should subside in a few weeks or so.. They also want me to continue to use the opk's and progesterone after I ovulate..

I guess from here I have a lot of research and a lot to take in, so I'm gonna close this now, with one final thought, Could this be the cause of everything?

A plan

That's right we've got a plan, finally!!

We finally got to visit with Dr. S, our RE, what an amazing man he is.. He already has me coming in for fasting blood work, and then on cd 3 will test my hormones, and possibly start with metformin, followed with a hcg trigger to force my body to ovulate, then of course timed intercourse, followed with progesterone.. Hopefully this will get us our living, healthy, active, sweet baby that we've been trying so long to get..

We of course will never ever in a million years forget our first 3 children, but this is opening up a new avenue for us, a possibility of fulfilling our family.. I feel so positive about this.

I am also starting a new eating lifestyle. Dr S. wants me to start a pcos/insulin resistant diet, so I'm trying to follow a diabetic lifestyle since my family is riddled with diabetes..

Thank you all my friends, and followers that's continued praying for my husband and I, I think all of our prayers are finally being answered..Thank you my friends...

A new day.

Writing shouldn't only be done when I'm in the deepest of my sorrows....

This is the sentence I said to myself when I stepped out of bed, of course this is by getting a nice and so friendly can I reschedule spraying your yard to tomorrow from my pest control service.. Bright and early 7 am on the dot... Wow.. NOT the reason I want my shopping dreams interrupted that's for sure..

But alas, I wake, snuggle next to Bandi, as this is my normal morning routine cause she always jumps into daddy's spot when he's up and getting ready for work. She's gone as far as to fake him out thinking she needs to go outside, only to get him out of bed so she can get in.. Silly little pup..

So as I splash my face with cold water I decided that this blog will be for everything, not just a dumping point when I'm sad, this should be the process through healing and moving forward, so every aspect of my emotions should be shared.. I'm not always the sad, depressed and overwhelmed, giving up girl I perceive myself to be.

I am the girl that woke up with something of a smile in her heart, as she got her morning coffee, watched her husband leave for work and start the TON of laundry that I have.. A ton, yes a lot of laundry.. We finally have gone through all of our clothes that were upstairs in boxes and such, and have piled the ones we're donating, and trashing the ones that were ready for the trash! Washing the others, cause if you have cats, then you know that they will find any little article of clothing (of course an entire box, basket or pile is better) to lay on. My 4 especially Rascal..

Today is a good day, emotionally I feel ok. I'm not necessarily ready to 'tackle the world' but for today I will tackle my house!! Surely I don't expect to finish it today, (yes falling into the depression pit, I've let it go) I tackle the project head on!! Today I don't let Mr. Depression in.. (*Thank you Elizabeth Gilbert for that description of depression.. Mr. Loneliness also in tow)So for today, I'm asking these two to leave my house, and let me tackle this day!!

Well Here I am saying Have a beautiful day!!!
I'm going to change the water in my roses, and start my kitchen..





* If you've read or are reading, Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert these are terms taken from her.* I highly recommend this book, I'm taking it slow, but it's still a great read..

Ever feel....

Like the world and God has just given up on you? I feel like I fit in absolutely NO where.. I'm a member of many different online communities, where I used to feel so fulfilled, able to talk, and now, I feel lonely.. At home in real life I'm lonely.. I have nothing in common with anyone... Everyone's babies are turning 3... Everyone's getting pregnant... Why can't I? Why has God forgotten us?

I don't want sympathy, but I don't want to be forgotten either like some broken toy tossed to the side.. My friends in real life and cyber life RARELY IF EVER mention Tristan anymore.. Have they all forgotten him?

Although one friend that I hold very dear to my heart did write me an email here very recently that because of my Tristan, she loves her daughter's that much more, and gives them extra kisses and hugs.. That made my day, that little boy is my hero..

I feel down, hopeless and shattered again... I always get knocked right back down by reality.. I really must face reality that it's probably NOT going to happen.. I am broken, spiritually, emotionally and I guess physically..

I don't know what purpose God has in all this.. But I do know that I'm losing the battle and becoming a very bitter and angry person. I have been heard saying time and time again recently that it's never going to happen, I just need to sell what baby stuff I do have, and move on, get my tubes tied, or better yet, maybe a complete hysterectomy so that I never have to see the failure of every month..

Some of my dearest friends hardly even speak to me anymore, and I'm sure that's my fault as I don't speak much anymore either, but I don't know what to say, as I'm sure they're in the same boat. I know that everyone wants nothing more than us to have children, and are praying for us, but I feel like an outcast, hell I feel like an outcast in most situations, because you know, in real life, and cyber life I know of only a small amount of us that are still trying to fill our homes with at least just ONE baby. Everyone else is working on 2, 3, 4 or more.. I know that I shouldn't be jealous, but damnit I am beyond jealous.. Why them? Why not me? Better yet, WHY NOT BOTH OF US?!?!? Why can't I enjoy being pregnant with my friends? I would wish nothing but loads of children for everyone, but all I want is just one at least...

Maybe I'm being punished, maybe I'm not, but I don't know where to turn, either give me a baby or get rid of my womb......I think He's already closed it, so why fight the obvious?!? Just accept that it's never going to happen for us, we're never going to be parents.. Life sucks sometimes.......

It's been a while....

I haven't written in a while, I guess I've been trying to move forward the best I can.. Which surprisingly is going a LOT easier than I ever fathomed possible..

Last month we really put our hearts and souls in to ttc, we tried new things and tried and true things, and nothing worked, as a matter of fact, it made my lp 5 days shorter, this scared me, and made me very sad and mad, I think I even went through a small rage phase there.. It was very short lived and only when I was alone..

I was/am pissed at God, I feel like I'm having a spiritual battle within my soul right now, but that's ok, He's helping me work through it!! I feel betrayed, hurt, and confused, but am seeing the light and knowing that I'm am me and this life is the life that He has mapped out for me already, but where I get confused, is this....He our Lord and Savior has a plan for everyone, has their lives mapped out before they're ever born, then why God do you give babies to murders, rapist, and abusers? Why am I seeing all over the news and babycenter abused babies and murdered babies, by their PARENTS??? What is the deal? I'm here with open arms wanting to love these babies and you're just giving them to people that will hurt them....I don't understand.. maybe in time, but now I don't..

So with that out, now on to where we are, we're taking an extended ttc break, I'd like to think it was just for the summer, but I really don't know how long we'll be breaking for.. I am really working on losing this fat that's shockingly appeared all over and that's going oh so slowly!! :)

We also want to work on us, between ttc, and work schedules, we're drifting apart, but I know with one major stressor gone we can drift back to one another.. I miss my husband and love him with every inch of my soul/heart!!

I'm so proud of myself though, I've gotten up, no longer sitting all day, been up and moving and guess what, I FEEL ALIVE!!!!!! My house is really coming together, and I feel like I could be whole again soon.. Don't get me wrong there's still an infant sized whole in my heart which I'm pretty sure will be with me forever, but I feel life seeping into my lungs again.. I feel the desire to live, and that alone is saying something..

My creative juices are flowing, and my brain is living and going so fast I can't seem to catch up with it.. For the first time in 4 years, but mainly the last 2, I can fully see the green in the leaves, the blue in the sky and the prickly little hairs on the caterpillars.. It's weird, I've felt in a hole so dark for so long, it's like seeing the world for the first time, I understand now how a blind man must feel when his sight is regained, so fresh, alive and colorful, vibrant colors.....Even my animals seem to be more alive, I guess it's true what they say, when mommy's down, everyone's down.. Now if I can just get in and get my husband to live again..

I've accepted the fact that we may never be parents to living children, and as sad as that makes me, I know that within our hearts we're going to be ok because we have 3 beautiful children waiting on us in the Kingdom of Heaven...

I really want to get my photography going, I would love to do more with it, than just a pasttime passion of mine... So please keep your prayers going that God will open many doors for me in this area, I'm ready!!! I would love to get good enough to also send in my photo's to NILMDTS and work with them, as hard as it is to lose your child, I can't imagine a more rewarding gift than capturing that love of the child for the parents.. I wish I would have known about NILMDTS when we lost Tristan......

Well this is all I have time for now, it's getting late, and I have so much to do.....

Lost........

This is how I explain the dream/nightmare, is just lost......

It all started right after I lost Tristan, the nightmare, the first night in the hospital, all the nightmare consisted of was my baby my sweet son, crying, and the nurses running with him in that plastic bassinet, running out of reach, every time I would get close, they would run, all I could hear was my baby crying, til I could hear him no more, I would run, chase, and search and no Tristan, no where.. I would wake up drenched in sweat and screaming in tears..

This nightmare has carried me through the greater part of the last 2 years.... It was the same dream nightly for the first 6 months then it got less and less time between. Til last night, last night was the first of "Lost" in about 6 months..But this dream was more detailed, more information provided..

It started the same, me searching, screaming, looking for Tristan, all I could hear was his tears, his crying out, but this time, the nurses were always in sight, always way ahead of me, but I didn't lose them this time.. This time they led me to the double doors, they read MOURGE on the doors, I just cried, saying no not again, I can't do this again, but I heard him, on the other side of those double doors, crying, the sounds so heart-wrenching I push myself through those doors, and I'm suddenly in the most beautiful powder blue room, filled with tiny little cribs, all full of content smiling babes, as I'm walking through the room looking for my sweet Tristan, I see so many other babies I've met, thinking this is so unfair, why are all these babies here? Why isn't my Tristan here? I could hear his faint whimpers, when these grand most beautiful hands I've ever seen reached out to me with my son cradled in them.. All I could see behind these hands was the most beautiful silhouette of a beautiful person, this person had my baby, and was giving him back to me.. I couldn't make out his face, this person, but His voice was so clear, when he said "Shannon I love you, and I know your hurting, I hurt with you.. And I got to ask him, this beautiful voice "why?, why, Tristan? Why didn't you take me too, you had the chance.." all he could tell me was that he loved me.. And that it was time for me to give Tristan back, I didn't want to, thinking of my options, running and running fast with him, trying to bring him back home, when my thought was interrupted with, "You will always have him with you, but right now, he physically has to stay with me," Giving him back was the hardest thing I had to do after losing him once.....But I walked back out those double doors and things were different, there was no more hospital, no double doors, no babies............then my alarm went off........

The dream was over, but still so vivid in my mind.. Did God reach out to me last night and let me hold my son? Or was it my yearning that brought to me that dream? One will never know, and one will never understand why God chose us.. And certainly no one will ever understand why I can't get pg now.. Everyone says Time Heals All......I'm still waiting......

Yes the pain has lessonend, the pain is different now, just more solid, and permanent.. I feel like I'm suffocating under a black cloud...

Here's a song that I want to share with you, this song is my ring tone on my phone, and a song that has brought to me much comfort the last 2 years!!
Please watch this video!

Oklahoma City.......15 years ago

15 years ago, a very tragic event happened, at the time it was the largest, deadliest terrorist attack on our nation. 15 years ago today Timothy McVeigh and Terry Nichols took a Ryder truck full of explosives and parked it in front of the Oklahoma City Federal building.. At 9:02 A.M. so many lives were shattered.. I remember sitting in my first class of the day, Algebra I my sophmore year, and feeling my school shake, no body knew what it was but suspected it was the broiler room. Little did we know that our lives, our history would be forever changed..

April 15, 1995, 168 lives were taken by a 5,000lb bomb..By a milita that was pissed off at the government...

Today I just wanted to take a moment and remember all those lives taken were not in vain, that those people were loved, and are missed daily!!!


I found this poem on the facebook page.....It touched me..

And the wind's still sweeping
down the plains of Oklahoma
and it dries the tears
on the faces of the people there
if you didn't lose someone
you knew someone
it was too much pain to bear
and the wind swept across the nation
as they bowed their heads in prayer

And the waving wheat
seems to wave goodbye
in the canyons you could s...wear
you hear the children cry
and in the time it takes a mother
just to blink an eye
they're gone.....they're gone

And the wind's still sweeping
down the plains of Oklahoma
and it whispers a reminder
of the memory that should
never leave us all
if it didn't break your heart
it tore your world apart
from sea to shining sea
please someone light a candle
and let it burn....eternally.


So please as you close your eyes tonight, say a prayer for all the family's affected by this tragic tragic event....

This was my home.... I miss Oklahoma!!

For actual news footage of April 19,1995

A video that was made, shows the heartache, shock and destruction....

The Pit


The Pit

The day my child died, I fell into the pit of grief. My friends watched me struggle through daily life, waiting for the person I once was to arise from the pit, not realizing "she" is gone forever.

The pit is full of darkness, heartache and despair, it paralyzes your thoughts, movements and ability to ration. The pit leaves you forever changed, unable to surface the person you once were.

Some of my pre-grief friends gather around the top of the pit, waiting for the old me to appear before their eyes, not understanding what's taking me so long to emerge. After all, in their eyes, I've been in the pit for quite sometime. Yet in my eyes, it seems as if I fell in only yesterday.

Not all of my pre-grief friends are gathered around the top of the pit. Some are helping me with the climb out of the darkness. They climb side by side with me from time to time, but mostly they climb ahead of me, waiting patiently at each plateau. Even with these friends I sometimes wonder if they are also waiting for the pre-grief me to magically appear before their eyes.

Then there are the casual acquaintances, you know the ones who say, "Hi, how are you?" when they really don't care or really want to know. These are the people who sigh in relief, that it is my child who died and not theirs. You know...the "better them, than me" attitude.

My post-grief friends (and a rare pre-grief friend) are the ones who climb with me, side by side, inch by inch, out of the pit with me. They are able to reassure me when I need reassurance, rest when I need resting, and encourage me to move forward when I don't have the strength. They have no expectations, no memories and no recollection of how I "should" be. They want me to get better, to smile more often and find joy in life, but they also accepted the person I've become. The "person" who is emerging from the pit

Author Unknown

April.....

I used to LOVE April, I mean it used to be my all time favorite month, I don't guess my birthday could have had anything to do with it?!?! Yes at a time of innocence, childhood, you always looked forward to birthday's.. yeah I'm finally getting older.. As a young woman I used to wish my years away so I could hurry up and be a wife and mommy, I've wanted that life since I was a child.. Anytime we ever played house, I was always the mommy.... We think that is' so easy, we go through life thinking, we grow up, we get married, and have babies.. No little girl ever dreams, Oh I'll grow up, get married, have multiple miscarriages, a stillbirth, and then we'll deal with infertility, and maybe by the time you give up all dreams of having that "leave it to beaver" family, you have a life of shattered dreams, hurt feelings and pain and sorrow.. A marriage holding on by friendship and unconditional love for your spouse that it pains you to think that one day that love to will leave you.. Not for several, several years you pray, but to think about growing old, and saying goodbye one day just rips my heart in two..

I often watch my sweet husband and wonder where he is in all this, what his true feelings and emotions are. When he says I'm ok baby, does he really mean I hurt so bad and can't show it? I wonder at times, did he do too good of a job taking such wonderful care of me, that he forgot about him self.. I see him glance, and stare at our son's beautiful photo's, and times that you can see him day dreaming looking out the window thinking, "my son and I should be out there playing".. I see the pain, but don't know how to reach it, or if I even should.

I've seen the stress, strain and struggles our marriage has had the last 4 years of ttc. To be honest, we both seemed to jump back easier through the miscarriages, it's not that we didn't hurt like hell from losing our first and second babies, our precious dreams gone; but I also sadly know that first trimester losses are too common, and happen to way to many women/men.. It's almost like dr's, and people in general expect it (if you're on the side of loss, you will get it), but to lose a baby after 8 months of carrying him, feeling his every move, his every hiccup, worrying if he was hiccuping too much (lol)... Or holding him in your arms after he's already been called home, for some reason to me, there was a huge difference in the way that I dealt with his loss vs. Xavier's and February's. I feel guilty when thinking about this, but in all actuality it's true..

I feel sorta closer with Tristan, like he was the one, the one I was supposed to bring home, the one that we were getting the nursery ready for.. Now that's not saying that every Sept. 18 and 19th that I don't think of my sweet Xavier lost at 9w5d.. (we knew he was a boy from the chromosonal/genetic testing after m/c.) And it's not like every February 12, I don't think of the baby that NEVER developed, the baby that went for a year without a name, but I couldn't deal with not having that closure, so we named it February after the month we said good-bye to our little blighted ovum at 8w3d. And of course then we have Tristan's birthday January 21.. You know they say that the pain from loss lesson's, and while I agree with this to some point, it's different, it's settling that I'm always going to hurt, no matter what, or how happy I might be, I will never stop hurting. The mask is hard to wear at times..

People tell me, 'quit talking about him, it will hurt less' -yea you or me?-
People tell me to quit trying and it will happen..-yea, you've apparently never walked this journey.
People tell me, "in His time"- yea I know, heard it a million times.

Don't you think I would LOVE to quit trying, to have more patience, but that's not me, I'm not one that just can give up a little, or none at all...I'm either all in or all out, I for some reason can't find that happy little medium...

Don't you think I would love to be able to say that yea I wasn't even trying and look at this beautiful little blessing I've received..

Don't you think I would Love to go back to work but yea can't stand to see everything I don't have, and really hate the 'pathetic I feel sorry for you looks when you share your story.. Or when someone asks, "do you have any children", what am I supposed to do but to tell the truth? I always reply, yes, I have 3 in heaven.. I'm not lying nor denying my children, yet people look at me with this look, I don't want to face "the look".. So I stay home....I like home..

Wow, guess I just felt like talking today... Here's to a new (25th) cycle, and on to next month then we can finally get to the dr.. Then maybe we'll have some clear answers, and hopefully our blessing will come!!!

to my angels how I miss you so, not a day go by.. I love you all my sweet angels..

4 Alarm Fire's..

A friend I've grown to know and respect the last several months has lost everything in a house fire, I'm trying to raise money to help her...

Please do what your heart compels of you, whether it's a prayer or monetary donations, just please keep this family in your thoughts..

She has a husband, 2 sons, and a baby on the way.....

Infertility Hurts

I know that God has a plan, He say's so..

I don't understand what's wrong with me, why have we been forgotten? I've been pregnant 3 times, and have lost all my babies, and now what I'm broken, and can't even get a damn false positive?!?! I mean I just don't get it, there's women that are getting pregnant left and right that prevent pregnancy, yet I try, I try my hardest, eat right, exercising, taking my vitamins, temping, opk's and NOTHING is working.. My dr. wants me to call him this cycle to start clomid, but we can't swing it til May, I'm losing all hope, and my faith is running thin......

I try to stay positive but it's very hard. I don't know how much more of this journey I can take before fully crumbling........

I guess we'll give the clomid 4-6 months then I think I'm done......

Another spring's arrival

Yes the beginning of birds chirping, locusts chirping, crickets waking from their slumber. The bees are buzzing while the butterflies flutter.. It's a beautiful awakening after a dark and cold slumber. Hearing the sounds of spring should be cheering me right up, right? Well for some reason I can't seem to get you off my mind. Your due date was supposed to be today, how weird it is that I didn't even realize it til right now when looking at the online calendar. No wonder I've been in the dark for the last week, not only was I missing you something fierce, I had another month/cycle to come and go. I've allowed myself to wallow in my own self pity for the last week and it's time to get off the pity horse and on my own 2 feet again.

I don't understand why missing you, comes in waves, that seem to slam you in the back knocking you face down in the raging ocean of grief. It does hit at the oddest of times. Today is the actual day you should have turned 2, but your birthday is in January.. I miss you sweet angel.

I pray that you and Jesus still have a baby brother or sister picked out and awaiting us as we await them. We are ready. We're more than ready. Mommy isn't ever going to forget you my son, but I am ready to move forward with your help guiding me through the storms.. I love you, daddy loves you, and wish that things were different. I know that the time is only very short for you, and I am so ever greatful that you don't have to feel the pain that daddy and I feel.

I stumbled upon a blog the other day, and it was about a 2 year old little girl battling stage 4 high risk neoroblastoma, and she lost that battle on March 9th, 2010, and daddy and I hoped that you were waiting for her next to Jesus and helped guide her through heaven to her family already there. And that you and Layla are fast friends and that she's whole again and well.. It made me realize that maybe God was protecting daddy and I.. How would we have ever said good-bye after getting to know you for 2 years as her mommy and daddy did.. How could we have ever been that strong? I have battled my strength through losing you, and honestly at times don't know how I've made it to where I am. I know that I can't remember half of the last 2 years. I don't know if I just am better at blocking out the painful stuff, or, am I truly getting better? I would like to think that it's a little of both..

I haven't felt more like myself as I have the last few weeks, til this week hit.. This week has sucked..


Tristan,
Not a moment goes by that I don't miss and think about you. I love you sweet angel, and know that you're well and are near. I just long for the day that I get to hold you again. I love you sweet boy......

Happy Birthday

Happy Birthday my baby boy!! How badly we miss you and wish that you were here, that we were having a real birthday party for you, but I can only imagine the birthday that you had!! I love you so very very much Tristan.. 2 years it's been since I've held your lifeless little self.. 2 years it's been since I've felt your last kick.. I'm sorry I'm not with you, and I hope that you're alright, just keep knowing that one day mommy and daddy will get to hold, run and play with you and your siblings soon!!


Happy birthday to you
happy birthday to you
happy birthday my sweet Tristan
happy birthday to you!!

Oh son we love and miss you.. Stay near, and know that you're ALWAYS in our hearts, always!!

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!

Well the day is nearing an end, and I have a moment to write.... This year in summery has been another difficult year, so I was really glad to see it go..

My year was well it was just that, long, boring at times, sad at times, full of new's I did a LOT of healing this last year so that's good.. I made new friends through that healing and the ones I already had we grew closer.. I am greatful for the friends that stood by me, and I am greatful for the rekindled friends as well..



My mother had 5 yes FIVE heartattacks, 2 of which were massive, and she coded (died if you will) all 5 times.....I'm VERY VERY greatful my momma is here with us another year, this tickles me pink..

My brother is SOBER!!! I never thought this day would come, I can't tell you how happy I am about that, how exciting he's got new and available opportunities for himself now!!

My father is apparently getting remarried, maybe the 3rd time will be the charm. Sickening yes I agree.....I have no further words, I hurt that he's I guess "forgot" that he has 2 adult children of HIS own, but that's alright, it is what it is.....

We bought a house!! This is a very good thing!! I LOVE our house, it's everything plus more than what I ever dreamt of owning!! Our first holidays' here were a huge hit, and I'm so proud of that, although I really don't recommend hosting TWO holiday dinners in a row when on a VERY tight budget, and just buying a house... Unless you're made of money!! Whew glad it's over!! Lol, ha ha :)..

My Inlaws are doing splendly they've come down twice once for Thanksgiving and then for New Year, always great spending time with them and getting to know them even better..

We got a puppy, her name is Bandi, the cats are taking their sweet time getting used to her, but hopefully within the next few weeks they will be fast friends.

My best friend is pregnant again, expecting a little girl, I couldn't be happier, I'm going to be an adopted aunty again!!! :D

A LOT of my great friends my cyber family have had their babies, some of which were the 2nd babies, and I am so honored to be apart of their lives....

A lot of my 2nd cyber family the family that NO parent wants to be apart of have had their rainbows or are expecting their rainbows, and that is the most awesome thing to see and be a part of..

My cousin, who has waited patiently for a baby since her and her husband were married and have been going through the adoption process for the last 2 years finally got their prayers answered right before the new year, how wonderful for our God to bless them with a beautiful perfect little boy!!

And we're still experiencing secondary infertility, it sucks, and I feel broken and like a failure that my body has just stopped getting pregnant, like it's almost forgotten how!! I'm praying with a little work on myself and getting myself back to a healthy body then somehow it will click with my body that hey, its' ok to get pg..... It's time, it's been almost 2 years that we've been trying to conceive after having Tristan....

The holidays were a lot easier to get through than I thought, the week or so before were hard, but I'm ok, I miss my son terribly, but he was called home for something very special I'm sure.. I have faith in our God that He will bless us with the desires of our hearts because I refuse to lose faith or give up ttc...

So this is our last year in summery. It's not pretty but it's our year..

I have a vow to change myself, and my life!!!
So I hope that everyone has a very Happy New year, and New Decade......Many blessings, and much happiness I hope finds you!!!