You know I haven't really allowed myself to just sit back and miss him in a long time, afraid of the pit reaching up and swallowing me again. But today I just really really miss my son. It's been almost 21 months, tomorrow will be 21 months, it's coming up on Halloween, everyone's talking about what their babies will be this year, and it hurts. I don't even have a pregnant belly to dream of next year. I hate allowing myself to feel this, but it's needed sometimes I guess. I hate feeling sorry for myself which seems that's all I've done for the last 21 months.
I still feel pangs of jealousy and hurt when I see a baby, especially when I see a 21 month old baby or I see a big ol pregnant belly. I still wonder at times why do they get to keep their baby and I don't. What's so wrong with me? Now I can't even get pregnant, what's wrong with me? I don't understand this and I really don't understand why me?!?!
I do tend to think and believe that God took Tristan so that I would be available for my mother and brother, but the selfish part of me wants to know why? Why was I robbed my baby and my glory for drama, and health problems? Why wasn't I allowed my baby?? There's mother's out there that obviously don't deserve their children yet they have healthy babies, and I did almost everything right and my baby boy died.
I feel bitter and angry, not all the time, but sometimes, especially when I see a teen mother, I don't know why but this makes me so sick and angry, that God thinks a teen would be a better mother than an adult woman with her life together, married and doing everything by His word??
I feel pathetic writing all this, that maybe I shouldn't have these feelings, but I'm human dammit and I want my chance to be a mother.. We are definitely not giving up although there are times that I just wish we could, but it's not in my blood to quit..This is our 2nd Halloween, Thanksgiving and Christmas without our Tristan. I dread January cause his 2nd birthday and there will be no joyous celebrations, no happy baby tearing open his gifts...
I'm open to ideas' for his birthday and am thinking so far (thanks to other mother's that's done this) taking all of my loss books and donating them to the hospital, but then what if I need them again? I hold on to them because of this thought, what if I lose another baby and need the books myself, but also a couple friends gave a few books, maybe I'll just hold on to the ones that were gifts, and put them away in hopes that one day I can donate them without having to have that thought of what if I lose another baby.
What else to do for his birthday, I know that I will be baking him his ribbon cake, this will be a tradition that I will not ever quit, and possibly a balloon release, but I've heard recently that releasing balloons is bad for the animals, ,so that makes me sad.. I will be planting his memorial garden hopefully in the spring, he will share with his siblings of course, those that I lost before him. How great does this sound, 3 pregnancies and 3 angels, I have no living children, I feel like a freak that belongs in a freak show, like I have something wrong with me, I'm broken, but my soul and faith is full.. My heart is healing although there's something always missing, and I'm totally NOT the same person I was 5 years ago, and am finding out that I will never again see that woman again, for she was a woman that never knew about loss this deep, never had a fleeting thought that I would lose my children, she was a naive, and gullable woman. Now the woman before you is shattered, hurt, and if you look at a broken mirror or glass that you've glued back together you will see me......
boy am I missing him....
Our story began in January 2001, In January 2008 our world came crashing down.. Within these pages is our struggle to breath, to live, and to survive....
Our Journey.....
January 2001, it was a cold, blistery, icy day in Oklahoma City, the day my future husband asked me to be his girl!!!
March 31, 2006 was our wedding day.. We had decided that since we'd already been together for 5 years that we would immediately start trying for a baby. So in April that's what we did.. It took us 3 months and in July we were looking at a positive pregnancy test.. It was the 5th of July.. I remember thinking the 4th that I had to of been pregnant, as the beer just tasted horrible and I was wanting to sleep..
That pregnancy was not the easiest.. We started bleeding from the beginning, it was diagnosed a subchorionic hemorrhage.. It was a huge blood clot between the uterus and placenta.. Well fast forward to 12 weeks after getting off bed rest and having no more bleeding.. We had an ultrasound to find that our precious baby had passed on 3 weeks before.. I had what they called a missed abortion (you won't see me use this term as I HATE it..) So I had to schedule a d n c for the next day.. That morning around 4 am I woke up to severe pains and bleeding only to find out that my body had finally realized that it was miscarrying, so we got bumped up a few hours to do the d n c..
Our dr. sent the 'remains' off to the lab for genetic testing and he called a few weeks later to tell me that our baby was a healthy baby boy.. We named him Xavier Ahren. He was 9 weeks 5 days and our d n c was on 9/19/06..
We were told we could try after our first cycle, so we did, we got pregnant 4 months later, we were excited, yet nervous.. There was no bleeding and our number's were progressing well. Well at 5 weeks we had an u/s.. Nothing but a sac. We were told to come back 2 weeks later, at 7 weeks we went back and still there was only a sac, but a second sac was visible now too..The dr. thought he had seen a second sac at 5 weeks but we didn't think nothing of it.. We were told to come back in a week.. We went back at 8 weeks 3 days, still only a sac, that was starting to shrink, and the second sac completely gone.. We were diagnosed with a blighted ovum and decided to do a d n c right then instead of waiting.. We were devastated, again....We call this baby (well what should have been a baby) February, we needed closure.. well I needed closure)
4 months later, June 27, 2007 could it be? Yes it is, a big fat positive, I couldn't believe it, whoo-hoo we were pregnant again.. I was nervous as all get out, could barely stand myself I was so nervous. We had slight spotting at 5 weeks and went to the ER, only to be told we had a slight subchorionic hemorrhage, you can about guess my nerves shot straight through the roof, great here we go again.... I prepared myself to lose this baby too, but wait, it's 12 weeks and we're still pregnant, and there's a heartbeat?!?! Wow, 19 weeks and it's a BOY?!?! Is this for real? Is this really happening? We're going to be parents for real this time?
Little did we know what God had in store for us.......
January 21, 2008, Martin Luther King day, Monday, and the beginning of our 33rd week.. Everything started out great, Our little boy had woke me up at 5 am having a little kick-boxing tournament, this was the VERY FIRST time this had ever happened. I went about my morning, got on the computer, was fixing to start chatting with some girlfriends of mine, when I got the most oddest, most painful cramp I've ever gotten.. In all honesty I thought I had to go to the bathroom.. So I finished typing out what I had to say, and headed to the bathroom, the only thing was the pain was overwhelming, I was literally on my tip-toes.. (if I knew then what I know now, I would have just started pushing right then.... :( ) I sat down and hear a pop, gush....My first thought was Oh shit, my water just broke, I'm only 33 weeks, and we still have 7 weeks to go, ok, we can deal with NICU.. But then I look down.. The image I seen will forever haunt me, blood, and lots of it, I've never in all of my life seen so much blood as I did this day.. From here everything went down hill and FAST!! I stood up, grabbed some tissue and put it between my legs and ran to the living room, grabbed the phone, and called my husband, I was so scared, and deep inside, I knew he was gone...But I get a hold of him.. We talk he leaves work.. Well not thinking of the holiday it was I called my dr's office, no answer, I'm starting to feel faint and light headed, so I lay down on the floor, I called the ER and told them what was going on, all they could say is "why are you calling the er?" I just hung up.. Aaron called and was on the phone with 911 when he walked in the house.. He helped me to the living room couch where I laid down and was in so much pain, more pain than I ever imagined possible.. The paramedics showed up. finally.. Well apparently I got the pick of the day, 2 of the most ignorant, most hateful, degrading, pieces of crap people to come help us.. One was a rookie, and the other was a jerk..
The jerk asked me if I was pregnant? Duh, I'm 8 months freaking pregnant!! I'm huge!! He then says "Are you bleeding?" My reply was yes, his was well you miscarried......WHAT?!?! You're seriously going to tell a freaking 8 month pregnant woman that she just miscarried.. I already hated the idiot.. He then asks me if I can get up on my own and move to the gurney, sure I say, and as I do I throw up, he then thrust this bag in my face and say's "throw up in here not in my bus, I just cleaned it" they then proceed to wheel me out of my house, with no blanket on, just panties and a t-shirt.. I asked for my own blanket. Then they wheel me over the stepping stones instead of picking me up and carrying me, this hurt like you wouldn't believe the pain is still very vivid in my mind.. We'd already told them 2 times they've asked what hospital we were going to, twice, Women's and children's.. they get me in the ambulance, and pull out.. They didn't give me oxygen or anything except an iv. of saline.. I keep feeling the need to pass out, and gushes of blood coming out of me.. I told him that I felt like I was going to pass out, and he said there was nothing he could do, I was already laying down. So about this time I look out the window wondering why it's taking so long to get to my hospital, the idiots took me to the wrong hospital... . I keep feeling the need to close my eyes...just go to sleep.. Well they FINALLY get me to Women's and Children's, and upstairs to Labor and Delivery, where I coded, on the spot.. I remember the nurse checking me, and her saying that I was dialated 2 cm, and trying to find Tristan's heartbeat, it wasn't there.. I remember looking to Aaron and saying he's gone honey, my baby's gone, and Aaron, and the nurse both saying no he's probably hiding.. then I vaguely remember hearing Aaron say her eyes are rolling and the nurse saying Oh shit (as she hits the wall) and saying I need help in here.. (Later found out she called a code blue on me).. The next memories are in and out, and still comes back in flashes.. I remember waking in this room, very cold, and 2 people above my head, one woman on man, and I hear them saying we need to intibuate and start cpr, where is everyone at? I remember my dr. Dr. H standing next to me saying "Hi Shannon, it's me Dr. H and there's no fetal heart activity we need to operate immediately to find out where the bleed is before we lose you.. Then I felt him cut me, and everything went black..
The next thing I remember is waking up in the recovery room, looking up and seeing Aaron's face, and knowing that something was VERY wrong.. Then our social worker, Ms. Mary asked me if I would like to hold our son.....This was the first time I seen my little boy, he was gone, lifeless, but the most amazing creature I've ever seen, the most beautiful little boy..
Beings that I had a c section I had to stay in the hospital for a few days.. We were released, on Jan. 24, 2008 and it was hard leaving that hospital with only plants and a memory box full of Tristan's belongings, yet leaving him there..
This blog is full of the last 2 years and the years of battling infertility, and our journey to parent hood, if it's meant to be..
1 comment:
Just sending you {hugs} and love
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