18 months ago this very hour you were in my arms, I was so sad, yet so elated to see who you looked like, so angry that God took you back, and so disgusted with myself that my body failed you. I think about what could/should and would have been. I look at your pictures and wonder what you would look like, would you look just like your daddy did as a toddler or would you look like me? I like to imagine all the things we would have done, but after a while of doing this, it starts to hurt so bad.
I can't honestly believe that a year and a half has passed, and so quickly, yet so slowly. One thing is for sure, although this has been the hardest year and half of my entire life, it's also been the most educating, and reflecting year and a half. I've made some wonderful friends through this very horribly sad loss. I am honored that these friends come to me when they need a comforting ear, or shoulder.. I just want to take every mother's pain away, no mother or father should feel this pain, it's the worst pain ever imaginable. And sadly I'm experiencing the second worst pain imaginable while dealing with unexplained secondary infertility. It's so unfair, to go from feeling growth and life inside of me to feeling the painful cramps of follicles growing on my ovaries.
I can't believe the time that has passed, even though I'm still empty from missing you, I'm fulfilled in Christs' love, and the passage way that he's leading us down. I know your daddy uses your memory and love to keep going, as does mommy. Son we miss you so much, if only we could reach into heaven and kiss your little nose, your cheeks, your eyes.... To smell your scent again (which I can do this if I go in the box of your belongings). That's all I have, when I get your outfit out (which is so rare now because of the pain) and hold it, it's like holding you again, because I know that your little body was in that outfit til 10 minutes before we left the hospital.. Leaving the hospital that day was the hardest thing to do without you in my arms.
I hear the stories daily of new parents going through a terrible loss of their child never fails to bring back those raw memories of the very beginning. An undescribable pain losing your child.. But once you enter this club, there's no turning back, there's so many unspoken words between us moms, all you have to do is say it's a bad day, and you've got a group of women there to pull you up.. I'm thankful for the women on babycenter's fullterm and infant loss thread, and the 2nd and 3rd trimester loss boards, Hope Floats, you're all amazing women who have helped pull me out of a pit that I really don't ever want to see the bottom of again. Granted, there are days that I might slip over the edge, but I never hit that bottom anymore...... Thank you for that.
My Sept/Oct angels girls have been by far my rock this last year and half, oh who am I kidding they've been my rock for the last 3 years, but they really stepped up and helped me through the worst year of my life. There they were with open arms and big hearts loving my son and my family more than even my real family has done.. They never stop me from talking about Tristan, they've never told me I had to or needed to get over it, and even though I might have not been the best friend the last 18 months, their friendships never faulted. They show that as I continue through the infertility now they're so supportive and so full of advice.
Today was a little tougher than I thought it would be. I started clomid on cd 5-9 today was the last day and we went in for a follicle scan, going to that u/s room was tough, seeing the screen I started to have a panic attack. The last u/s I had was 18 months ago in the hospital operating room when Dr. Hill told me there was no fetal heart activity. I vaugely remember them doing an u/s. I wasn't concious enough to see it or know when, but I know what dr. Hill told me after the u/s, then I felt that first cut and everything went black, those moments will forever run through my mind.. Could I have changed the outcome? If only I would have forced you out, you might be here today. I keep thinking if only I would have had an urge to push or if I would have just started pushing, could we have saved you? These thoughts torture my brain sometimes waking me out of a dead sleep to haunt me, I know it's the Devil trying to make me blame myself again, because he loves that type of decension. Well Satan I have to tell ya you're not going to win, because I'm going to promise you one thing I will be holding my son again in my arms one day, as I sit next to Jesus and hear of all the happy things Tristan has done.....
Tristan my baby, you're forever my first born son, even though you have 2 siblings before you in heaven, you were truly my first born. I miss you every second of every day. I would give absolutely anything to have changed everything. You were my every dream and hopes.. You're always my little dragonfly, every dragonfly I see from now on til the day I die will be my direct link to you. I love you my baby boy!
January 2001, it was a cold, blistery, icy day in Oklahoma City, the day my future husband asked me to be his girl!!! March 31, 2006 was our wedding day.. We had decided that since we'd already been together for 5 years that we would immediately start trying for a baby. So in April that's what we did.. It took us 3 months and in July we were looking at a positive pregnancy test.. It was the 5th of July.. I remember thinking the 4th that I had to of been pregnant, as the beer just tasted horrible and I was wanting to sleep.. That pregnancy was not the easiest.. We started bleeding from the beginning, it was diagnosed a subchorionic hemorrhage.. It was a huge blood clot between the uterus and placenta.. Well fast forward to 12 weeks after getting off bed rest and having no more bleeding.. We had an ultrasound to find that our precious baby had passed on 3 weeks before.. I had what they called a missed abortion (you won't see me use this term as I HATE it..) So I had to schedule a d n c for the next day.. That morning around 4 am I woke up to severe pains and bleeding only to find out that my body had finally realized that it was miscarrying, so we got bumped up a few hours to do the d n c.. Our dr. sent the 'remains' off to the lab for genetic testing and he called a few weeks later to tell me that our baby was a healthy baby boy.. We named him Xavier Ahren. He was 9 weeks 5 days and our d n c was on 9/19/06.. We were told we could try after our first cycle, so we did, we got pregnant 4 months later, we were excited, yet nervous.. There was no bleeding and our number's were progressing well. Well at 5 weeks we had an u/s.. Nothing but a sac. We were told to come back 2 weeks later, at 7 weeks we went back and still there was only a sac, but a second sac was visible now too..The dr. thought he had seen a second sac at 5 weeks but we didn't think nothing of it.. We were told to come back in a week.. We went back at 8 weeks 3 days, still only a sac, that was starting to shrink, and the second sac completely gone.. We were diagnosed with a blighted ovum and decided to do a d n c right then instead of waiting.. We were devastated, again....We call this baby (well what should have been a baby) February, we needed closure.. well I needed closure) 4 months later, June 27, 2007 could it be? Yes it is, a big fat positive, I couldn't believe it, whoo-hoo we were pregnant again.. I was nervous as all get out, could barely stand myself I was so nervous. We had slight spotting at 5 weeks and went to the ER, only to be told we had a slight subchorionic hemorrhage, you can about guess my nerves shot straight through the roof, great here we go again.... I prepared myself to lose this baby too, but wait, it's 12 weeks and we're still pregnant, and there's a heartbeat?!?! Wow, 19 weeks and it's a BOY?!?! Is this for real? Is this really happening? We're going to be parents for real this time? Little did we know what God had in store for us....... January 21, 2008, Martin Luther King day, Monday, and the beginning of our 33rd week.. Everything started out great, Our little boy had woke me up at 5 am having a little kick-boxing tournament, this was the VERY FIRST time this had ever happened. I went about my morning, got on the computer, was fixing to start chatting with some girlfriends of mine, when I got the most oddest, most painful cramp I've ever gotten.. In all honesty I thought I had to go to the bathroom.. So I finished typing out what I had to say, and headed to the bathroom, the only thing was the pain was overwhelming, I was literally on my tip-toes.. (if I knew then what I know now, I would have just started pushing right then.... :( ) I sat down and hear a pop, gush....My first thought was Oh shit, my water just broke, I'm only 33 weeks, and we still have 7 weeks to go, ok, we can deal with NICU.. But then I look down.. The image I seen will forever haunt me, blood, and lots of it, I've never in all of my life seen so much blood as I did this day.. From here everything went down hill and FAST!! I stood up, grabbed some tissue and put it between my legs and ran to the living room, grabbed the phone, and called my husband, I was so scared, and deep inside, I knew he was gone...But I get a hold of him.. We talk he leaves work.. Well not thinking of the holiday it was I called my dr's office, no answer, I'm starting to feel faint and light headed, so I lay down on the floor, I called the ER and told them what was going on, all they could say is "why are you calling the er?" I just hung up.. Aaron called and was on the phone with 911 when he walked in the house.. He helped me to the living room couch where I laid down and was in so much pain, more pain than I ever imagined possible.. The paramedics showed up. finally.. Well apparently I got the pick of the day, 2 of the most ignorant, most hateful, degrading, pieces of crap people to come help us.. One was a rookie, and the other was a jerk.. The jerk asked me if I was pregnant? Duh, I'm 8 months freaking pregnant!! I'm huge!! He then says "Are you bleeding?" My reply was yes, his was well you miscarried......WHAT?!?! You're seriously going to tell a freaking 8 month pregnant woman that she just miscarried.. I already hated the idiot.. He then asks me if I can get up on my own and move to the gurney, sure I say, and as I do I throw up, he then thrust this bag in my face and say's "throw up in here not in my bus, I just cleaned it" they then proceed to wheel me out of my house, with no blanket on, just panties and a t-shirt.. I asked for my own blanket. Then they wheel me over the stepping stones instead of picking me up and carrying me, this hurt like you wouldn't believe the pain is still very vivid in my mind.. We'd already told them 2 times they've asked what hospital we were going to, twice, Women's and children's.. they get me in the ambulance, and pull out.. They didn't give me oxygen or anything except an iv. of saline.. I keep feeling the need to pass out, and gushes of blood coming out of me.. I told him that I felt like I was going to pass out, and he said there was nothing he could do, I was already laying down. So about this time I look out the window wondering why it's taking so long to get to my hospital, the idiots took me to the wrong hospital... . I keep feeling the need to close my eyes...just go to sleep.. Well they FINALLY get me to Women's and Children's, and upstairs to Labor and Delivery, where I coded, on the spot.. I remember the nurse checking me, and her saying that I was dialated 2 cm, and trying to find Tristan's heartbeat, it wasn't there.. I remember looking to Aaron and saying he's gone honey, my baby's gone, and Aaron, and the nurse both saying no he's probably hiding.. then I vaguely remember hearing Aaron say her eyes are rolling and the nurse saying Oh shit (as she hits the wall) and saying I need help in here.. (Later found out she called a code blue on me).. The next memories are in and out, and still comes back in flashes.. I remember waking in this room, very cold, and 2 people above my head, one woman on man, and I hear them saying we need to intibuate and start cpr, where is everyone at? I remember my dr. Dr. H standing next to me saying "Hi Shannon, it's me Dr. H and there's no fetal heart activity we need to operate immediately to find out where the bleed is before we lose you.. Then I felt him cut me, and everything went black.. The next thing I remember is waking up in the recovery room, looking up and seeing Aaron's face, and knowing that something was VERY wrong.. Then our social worker, Ms. Mary asked me if I would like to hold our son.....This was the first time I seen my little boy, he was gone, lifeless, but the most amazing creature I've ever seen, the most beautiful little boy.. Beings that I had a c section I had to stay in the hospital for a few days.. We were released, on Jan. 24, 2008 and it was hard leaving that hospital with only plants and a memory box full of Tristan's belongings, yet leaving him there.. This blog is full of the last 2 years and the years of battling infertility, and our journey to parent hood, if it's meant to be..