Our Journey.....

January 2001, it was a cold, blistery, icy day in Oklahoma City, the day my future husband asked me to be his girl!!! March 31, 2006 was our wedding day.. We had decided that since we'd already been together for 5 years that we would immediately start trying for a baby. So in April that's what we did.. It took us 3 months and in July we were looking at a positive pregnancy test.. It was the 5th of July.. I remember thinking the 4th that I had to of been pregnant, as the beer just tasted horrible and I was wanting to sleep.. That pregnancy was not the easiest.. We started bleeding from the beginning, it was diagnosed a subchorionic hemorrhage.. It was a huge blood clot between the uterus and placenta.. Well fast forward to 12 weeks after getting off bed rest and having no more bleeding.. We had an ultrasound to find that our precious baby had passed on 3 weeks before.. I had what they called a missed abortion (you won't see me use this term as I HATE it..) So I had to schedule a d n c for the next day.. That morning around 4 am I woke up to severe pains and bleeding only to find out that my body had finally realized that it was miscarrying, so we got bumped up a few hours to do the d n c.. Our dr. sent the 'remains' off to the lab for genetic testing and he called a few weeks later to tell me that our baby was a healthy baby boy.. We named him Xavier Ahren. He was 9 weeks 5 days and our d n c was on 9/19/06.. We were told we could try after our first cycle, so we did, we got pregnant 4 months later, we were excited, yet nervous.. There was no bleeding and our number's were progressing well. Well at 5 weeks we had an u/s.. Nothing but a sac. We were told to come back 2 weeks later, at 7 weeks we went back and still there was only a sac, but a second sac was visible now too..The dr. thought he had seen a second sac at 5 weeks but we didn't think nothing of it.. We were told to come back in a week.. We went back at 8 weeks 3 days, still only a sac, that was starting to shrink, and the second sac completely gone.. We were diagnosed with a blighted ovum and decided to do a d n c right then instead of waiting.. We were devastated, again....We call this baby (well what should have been a baby) February, we needed closure.. well I needed closure) 4 months later, June 27, 2007 could it be? Yes it is, a big fat positive, I couldn't believe it, whoo-hoo we were pregnant again.. I was nervous as all get out, could barely stand myself I was so nervous. We had slight spotting at 5 weeks and went to the ER, only to be told we had a slight subchorionic hemorrhage, you can about guess my nerves shot straight through the roof, great here we go again.... I prepared myself to lose this baby too, but wait, it's 12 weeks and we're still pregnant, and there's a heartbeat?!?! Wow, 19 weeks and it's a BOY?!?! Is this for real? Is this really happening? We're going to be parents for real this time? Little did we know what God had in store for us....... January 21, 2008, Martin Luther King day, Monday, and the beginning of our 33rd week.. Everything started out great, Our little boy had woke me up at 5 am having a little kick-boxing tournament, this was the VERY FIRST time this had ever happened. I went about my morning, got on the computer, was fixing to start chatting with some girlfriends of mine, when I got the most oddest, most painful cramp I've ever gotten.. In all honesty I thought I had to go to the bathroom.. So I finished typing out what I had to say, and headed to the bathroom, the only thing was the pain was overwhelming, I was literally on my tip-toes.. (if I knew then what I know now, I would have just started pushing right then.... :( ) I sat down and hear a pop, gush....My first thought was Oh shit, my water just broke, I'm only 33 weeks, and we still have 7 weeks to go, ok, we can deal with NICU.. But then I look down.. The image I seen will forever haunt me, blood, and lots of it, I've never in all of my life seen so much blood as I did this day.. From here everything went down hill and FAST!! I stood up, grabbed some tissue and put it between my legs and ran to the living room, grabbed the phone, and called my husband, I was so scared, and deep inside, I knew he was gone...But I get a hold of him.. We talk he leaves work.. Well not thinking of the holiday it was I called my dr's office, no answer, I'm starting to feel faint and light headed, so I lay down on the floor, I called the ER and told them what was going on, all they could say is "why are you calling the er?" I just hung up.. Aaron called and was on the phone with 911 when he walked in the house.. He helped me to the living room couch where I laid down and was in so much pain, more pain than I ever imagined possible.. The paramedics showed up. finally.. Well apparently I got the pick of the day, 2 of the most ignorant, most hateful, degrading, pieces of crap people to come help us.. One was a rookie, and the other was a jerk.. The jerk asked me if I was pregnant? Duh, I'm 8 months freaking pregnant!! I'm huge!! He then says "Are you bleeding?" My reply was yes, his was well you miscarried......WHAT?!?! You're seriously going to tell a freaking 8 month pregnant woman that she just miscarried.. I already hated the idiot.. He then asks me if I can get up on my own and move to the gurney, sure I say, and as I do I throw up, he then thrust this bag in my face and say's "throw up in here not in my bus, I just cleaned it" they then proceed to wheel me out of my house, with no blanket on, just panties and a t-shirt.. I asked for my own blanket. Then they wheel me over the stepping stones instead of picking me up and carrying me, this hurt like you wouldn't believe the pain is still very vivid in my mind.. We'd already told them 2 times they've asked what hospital we were going to, twice, Women's and children's.. they get me in the ambulance, and pull out.. They didn't give me oxygen or anything except an iv. of saline.. I keep feeling the need to pass out, and gushes of blood coming out of me.. I told him that I felt like I was going to pass out, and he said there was nothing he could do, I was already laying down. So about this time I look out the window wondering why it's taking so long to get to my hospital, the idiots took me to the wrong hospital... . I keep feeling the need to close my eyes...just go to sleep.. Well they FINALLY get me to Women's and Children's, and upstairs to Labor and Delivery, where I coded, on the spot.. I remember the nurse checking me, and her saying that I was dialated 2 cm, and trying to find Tristan's heartbeat, it wasn't there.. I remember looking to Aaron and saying he's gone honey, my baby's gone, and Aaron, and the nurse both saying no he's probably hiding.. then I vaguely remember hearing Aaron say her eyes are rolling and the nurse saying Oh shit (as she hits the wall) and saying I need help in here.. (Later found out she called a code blue on me).. The next memories are in and out, and still comes back in flashes.. I remember waking in this room, very cold, and 2 people above my head, one woman on man, and I hear them saying we need to intibuate and start cpr, where is everyone at? I remember my dr. Dr. H standing next to me saying "Hi Shannon, it's me Dr. H and there's no fetal heart activity we need to operate immediately to find out where the bleed is before we lose you.. Then I felt him cut me, and everything went black.. The next thing I remember is waking up in the recovery room, looking up and seeing Aaron's face, and knowing that something was VERY wrong.. Then our social worker, Ms. Mary asked me if I would like to hold our son.....This was the first time I seen my little boy, he was gone, lifeless, but the most amazing creature I've ever seen, the most beautiful little boy.. Beings that I had a c section I had to stay in the hospital for a few days.. We were released, on Jan. 24, 2008 and it was hard leaving that hospital with only plants and a memory box full of Tristan's belongings, yet leaving him there.. This blog is full of the last 2 years and the years of battling infertility, and our journey to parent hood, if it's meant to be..

Sunday, June 21, 2009

17 months

I can't believe it's been 17 months since I held you in my arms, and kissed your little lips! Mommy misses you so badly! Today was father's day also, I think it was a little tough on daddy, even though he wouldn't admit it!! You kiddo will never be forgotten, and will always be missed, every single day for the rest of mommy and daddy's lifes..

You sweet boy are with the ultimate father though, HE can teach you all about us, so that when it's time to meet again, you will know all there is to know..

I still wonder from time to time what you would be doing right now, well I looked on babycenter today, and this is what it has to say for 17 months.....


Your 17-month-old

How your toddler's growing: She's becoming much easier to understand now that she often combines pointing with a word or two. And her growing independence is asserting itself in numerous ways: She can undress herself (dressing herself will come much later), brush her teeth without your help and feed her dolly. But you should continue to brush her teeth for her, until she truly masters the job.

She can sort things by color, shape, and type, which makes toys that encourage sorting particularly popular now. If "no" hasn't already become her favorite word, she'll begin using it with a vengeance. She's gradually easing toward one nap each day, which means this is a transition period that's potentially hard on both of you. If she's having trouble sleeping, try cuddling up with her for a few minutes to make it extra cozy.

How your life's changing: Toddlers are known for being finicky eaters, so save yourself some time and heartache by keeping meal preparation simple. But try to present a fairly good mix of foods on her plate at every meal. If you offer a variety of healthy options, chances are she'll get all the nutrition she needs — though it may mean she's eating her vegetables at one end of the day and grains at the other.

Parent tip: Get first-aid training "One of the best ways to keep your family safe is to take a CPR course. Call the local Red Cross to find out where the classes are being given in your area. I feel better now that I know what to do in case my daughter stops breathing." — Laura M.

Share your tips.

I wish with all my might that you were here so that I could experience all of these things with you.. I love you sweet angel, daddy loves you, give your brother and sister(just guessing) a kiss and hug from me.. I love you, and happy 17 month birthday, I really hope that you and Jesus had a good time today doing what ever it is you do, whether it's skipping rocks together, or rrwatching the waterfalls, thank you for watching over us, thank you for being our son.

God Thank you for everything, you are so amazing, Thank you for the time you gave to us with Tristan, and thank you Lord for never leaving my side, I am nothing without you Father.. You have carried me this far, and I know with everything in me that you will bless us with a growing family.. Father I love you..Happy Father's Day my father in heaven, the only father I've ever had, thank you for watching and keeping my Trisan close by.. Father just thank you for the many blessings you have placed in our hearts and lives..

Well as my eyes well up with tears, I must run, but before I do, I need and want to update you guys a little on our procedures mentioned in a previous post.
Our fsh, and thyroid (tsh) came back normal, our semen analysis came back normal and our hsg came back normal, it was really kinda cool to see my uterus, you could see just how anterior it is, and my left tube is straight as a board, while my right tube is curled up like it's supposed to be, funny thing, I always get pg out of my right tube!! or right ovary at least!! lol~~

Ok so that's that, and with that, I say good night, lots to do tomorrow,

Monday, June 15, 2009

A TTC update!!

Well we have officially been trying again for 15 months. I have seen many women who've lost their precious baby after we lost Tristan get pg again, some of which have lost their babies again, and have gotten pg again.. While I am beyond ecstatic for these women, a part of me is so jealous!! lol!! Who in the world would have ever thought that we would still be here ttc this long? We sure didn't, but now we have a small glimmer of hope.....
We did a semen analysis
and we're doing an HSG on Friday the 19th!! I can't wait, I really hope it pulls up some blockage, so that way I at least have something of an answer. Dr. H said depending on what the hsg looks like we'll do clomid!! Whoo hoo, we're finally getting somewhere!!

This is all I have for now, hopefully I will be updating soon, very soon with the results!!

Rest in Peace Mommy