Our Journey.....

January 2001, it was a cold, blistery, icy day in Oklahoma City, the day my future husband asked me to be his girl!!! March 31, 2006 was our wedding day.. We had decided that since we'd already been together for 5 years that we would immediately start trying for a baby. So in April that's what we did.. It took us 3 months and in July we were looking at a positive pregnancy test.. It was the 5th of July.. I remember thinking the 4th that I had to of been pregnant, as the beer just tasted horrible and I was wanting to sleep.. That pregnancy was not the easiest.. We started bleeding from the beginning, it was diagnosed a subchorionic hemorrhage.. It was a huge blood clot between the uterus and placenta.. Well fast forward to 12 weeks after getting off bed rest and having no more bleeding.. We had an ultrasound to find that our precious baby had passed on 3 weeks before.. I had what they called a missed abortion (you won't see me use this term as I HATE it..) So I had to schedule a d n c for the next day.. That morning around 4 am I woke up to severe pains and bleeding only to find out that my body had finally realized that it was miscarrying, so we got bumped up a few hours to do the d n c.. Our dr. sent the 'remains' off to the lab for genetic testing and he called a few weeks later to tell me that our baby was a healthy baby boy.. We named him Xavier Ahren. He was 9 weeks 5 days and our d n c was on 9/19/06.. We were told we could try after our first cycle, so we did, we got pregnant 4 months later, we were excited, yet nervous.. There was no bleeding and our number's were progressing well. Well at 5 weeks we had an u/s.. Nothing but a sac. We were told to come back 2 weeks later, at 7 weeks we went back and still there was only a sac, but a second sac was visible now too..The dr. thought he had seen a second sac at 5 weeks but we didn't think nothing of it.. We were told to come back in a week.. We went back at 8 weeks 3 days, still only a sac, that was starting to shrink, and the second sac completely gone.. We were diagnosed with a blighted ovum and decided to do a d n c right then instead of waiting.. We were devastated, again....We call this baby (well what should have been a baby) February, we needed closure.. well I needed closure) 4 months later, June 27, 2007 could it be? Yes it is, a big fat positive, I couldn't believe it, whoo-hoo we were pregnant again.. I was nervous as all get out, could barely stand myself I was so nervous. We had slight spotting at 5 weeks and went to the ER, only to be told we had a slight subchorionic hemorrhage, you can about guess my nerves shot straight through the roof, great here we go again.... I prepared myself to lose this baby too, but wait, it's 12 weeks and we're still pregnant, and there's a heartbeat?!?! Wow, 19 weeks and it's a BOY?!?! Is this for real? Is this really happening? We're going to be parents for real this time? Little did we know what God had in store for us....... January 21, 2008, Martin Luther King day, Monday, and the beginning of our 33rd week.. Everything started out great, Our little boy had woke me up at 5 am having a little kick-boxing tournament, this was the VERY FIRST time this had ever happened. I went about my morning, got on the computer, was fixing to start chatting with some girlfriends of mine, when I got the most oddest, most painful cramp I've ever gotten.. In all honesty I thought I had to go to the bathroom.. So I finished typing out what I had to say, and headed to the bathroom, the only thing was the pain was overwhelming, I was literally on my tip-toes.. (if I knew then what I know now, I would have just started pushing right then.... :( ) I sat down and hear a pop, gush....My first thought was Oh shit, my water just broke, I'm only 33 weeks, and we still have 7 weeks to go, ok, we can deal with NICU.. But then I look down.. The image I seen will forever haunt me, blood, and lots of it, I've never in all of my life seen so much blood as I did this day.. From here everything went down hill and FAST!! I stood up, grabbed some tissue and put it between my legs and ran to the living room, grabbed the phone, and called my husband, I was so scared, and deep inside, I knew he was gone...But I get a hold of him.. We talk he leaves work.. Well not thinking of the holiday it was I called my dr's office, no answer, I'm starting to feel faint and light headed, so I lay down on the floor, I called the ER and told them what was going on, all they could say is "why are you calling the er?" I just hung up.. Aaron called and was on the phone with 911 when he walked in the house.. He helped me to the living room couch where I laid down and was in so much pain, more pain than I ever imagined possible.. The paramedics showed up. finally.. Well apparently I got the pick of the day, 2 of the most ignorant, most hateful, degrading, pieces of crap people to come help us.. One was a rookie, and the other was a jerk.. The jerk asked me if I was pregnant? Duh, I'm 8 months freaking pregnant!! I'm huge!! He then says "Are you bleeding?" My reply was yes, his was well you miscarried......WHAT?!?! You're seriously going to tell a freaking 8 month pregnant woman that she just miscarried.. I already hated the idiot.. He then asks me if I can get up on my own and move to the gurney, sure I say, and as I do I throw up, he then thrust this bag in my face and say's "throw up in here not in my bus, I just cleaned it" they then proceed to wheel me out of my house, with no blanket on, just panties and a t-shirt.. I asked for my own blanket. Then they wheel me over the stepping stones instead of picking me up and carrying me, this hurt like you wouldn't believe the pain is still very vivid in my mind.. We'd already told them 2 times they've asked what hospital we were going to, twice, Women's and children's.. they get me in the ambulance, and pull out.. They didn't give me oxygen or anything except an iv. of saline.. I keep feeling the need to pass out, and gushes of blood coming out of me.. I told him that I felt like I was going to pass out, and he said there was nothing he could do, I was already laying down. So about this time I look out the window wondering why it's taking so long to get to my hospital, the idiots took me to the wrong hospital... . I keep feeling the need to close my eyes...just go to sleep.. Well they FINALLY get me to Women's and Children's, and upstairs to Labor and Delivery, where I coded, on the spot.. I remember the nurse checking me, and her saying that I was dialated 2 cm, and trying to find Tristan's heartbeat, it wasn't there.. I remember looking to Aaron and saying he's gone honey, my baby's gone, and Aaron, and the nurse both saying no he's probably hiding.. then I vaguely remember hearing Aaron say her eyes are rolling and the nurse saying Oh shit (as she hits the wall) and saying I need help in here.. (Later found out she called a code blue on me).. The next memories are in and out, and still comes back in flashes.. I remember waking in this room, very cold, and 2 people above my head, one woman on man, and I hear them saying we need to intibuate and start cpr, where is everyone at? I remember my dr. Dr. H standing next to me saying "Hi Shannon, it's me Dr. H and there's no fetal heart activity we need to operate immediately to find out where the bleed is before we lose you.. Then I felt him cut me, and everything went black.. The next thing I remember is waking up in the recovery room, looking up and seeing Aaron's face, and knowing that something was VERY wrong.. Then our social worker, Ms. Mary asked me if I would like to hold our son.....This was the first time I seen my little boy, he was gone, lifeless, but the most amazing creature I've ever seen, the most beautiful little boy.. Beings that I had a c section I had to stay in the hospital for a few days.. We were released, on Jan. 24, 2008 and it was hard leaving that hospital with only plants and a memory box full of Tristan's belongings, yet leaving him there.. This blog is full of the last 2 years and the years of battling infertility, and our journey to parent hood, if it's meant to be..

Tuesday, April 28, 2009

The Pit

The day my child died, I fell into the pit of grief. My friends watched me struggle through daily life, waiting for the person I once was to arise from the pit, not realizing "she" is gone forever.

The pit is full of darkness, heartache and despair, it paralyzes your thoughts, movements and ability to ration. The pit leaves you forever changed, unable to surface the person you once were.

Some of my pre-grief friends gather around the top of the pit, waiting for the old me to appear before their eyes, not understanding what's taking me so long to emerge. After all, in their eyes, I've been in the pit for quite sometime. Yet in my eyes, it seems as if I fell in only yesterday.

Not all of my pre-grief friends are gathered around the top of the pit. Some are helping me with the climb out of the darkness. They climb side by side with me from time to time, but mostly they climb ahead of me, waiting patiently at each plateau. Even with these friends I sometimes wonder if they are also waiting for the pre-grief me to magically appear before their eyes.

Then there are the casual acquaintances, you know the ones who say, "Hi, how are you?" when they really don't care or really want to know. These are the people who sigh in relief, that it is my child who died and not theirs. You know...the "better them, than me" attitude.

My post-grief friends (and a rare pre-grief friend) are the ones who climb with me, side by side, inch by inch, out of the pit with me. They are able to reassure me when I need reassurance, rest when I need resting, and encourage me to move forward when I don't have the strength. They have no expectations, no memories and no recollection of how I "should" be. They want me to get better, to smile more often and find joy in life, but they also accepted the person I've become. The "person" who is emerging from the pit

Author Unknown

Psalm88 1-18

O Lord, the God who saves me, day and night I cry out before you.
May my prayer come before you; turn your ear to my cry.
For my soul is full of trouble and my life draws near the grave.
I am counted among those who go down to the pit; I am like a man without strength.
I am set apart with the dead, like the slain who lie in the grave, whom you remember no more, who are cut off from your care.
You have put me in the lowest pit, in the darkest depths.
Your wrath lies heavily upon me; you have overwhelmed me with all your waves.
You have taken from me my closest friends and have made me repulsive to them. I am confined and cannot escape;
my eyes are dim with grief. I call to you, O Lord, every day; I spread out my hands to you.
Do you show your wonders to the dead? Do those who are dead rise up and praise you?
Is your love declared in the grave, your faithfulness in Destruction?
Are your wonders known in the place of darkness, or your righteous deeds in the land of oblivion?
But I cry to you for help, O Lord; in the morning my prayers comes before you.
Why, O Lord, do you reject me and hide your face from me?
From my youth I have been afflicted and close to death;
I have suffered your terrors and am in despair.
Your wrath has swept over me; your terrors have destroyed me.
All day long they surround me like a flood; they have completely engulfed me.
You have taken my companions and loved ones from me; the darkness is my closest friend.

I said a prayer and opened my Bible and this is what popped out at me, I read it, it felt like I was reading a page out of my own personal biography, the biography our Lord has written about me, so I thought that I would share with you....

Monday, April 27, 2009

Frodo.......a year later

Frodo, my little Frodio!! (in a sing song voice)
I love you, I've loved you since the moment you jumped into my arms 2 years ago, 9/16/06, and you left us 4/27/08, my sweet Frodo, you were the most awesome cat that I've ever had the honor of loving, knowing and taking care of. You know, you were the most awesome cat that I've ever seen anywhere, it's like you were a little human yourself, you had a very unique personality, and attitude. I still have your mice put up, and still think of all the hours we played fetch.. (although you've never met him, Jasper is so much like you it's uncanny)! You have been missed for 365 days, you have been loved longer.. I know that you're with Tristan, Xavier, February, and Beowulf (pretty bird), have fun with your family til the rest of us can join you guys.. I love you kittie!! My sweet little orange furball you!! My Frodio!!

What's wrong with me???????

Seriously?! What the heck is wrong with me? I am freaking broken..... My body no longer works.... Is it because I'm so much overweight? Is it because we're not meant to be?? WHAT HAVE I DONE WRONG??? why can't I get pregnant anymore?

My son has been gone for 15 months 15 MONTHS!!! That's a long freaking time........We have now OFFICIALLY been trying (off and on more on than off, and even when we say we're not ttc, we still do....it just happens that way...) for 12 months..... My cycles have grown longer, I'm getting hot flashes, and my biggest fear is proving true.... The minute we got home from the hospital last year, and we were alone I told Aaron, I pray with everything that I have, that we don't have to worry about secondary infertility, and look, my stupid fat ass can't even get pregnant! I feel like such a failure as a woman, I can't even give my husband a child, much less a living son to carry on his name.. I know I know I know, you don't have to say it, I hear it a hundred or more times a week!! IT'S all in GOD'S time..... Today is the anniversary of my favorite cat's death,and here I am feeling sorry for my freaking self over infertility, I swear I think my future is me alone in a house with a million cats, the woman in the neighborhood all the kids are afraid of, the woman with all the cats......
That will be me, once Aaron wakes up and realizes that I'm broken, and leaves me for someone that can give him a son, someone that will help him carry on the name.... I know this is probably not going to happen, but I think that he would be so much happier if I could give him children... I just want to make both of our dreams come true, and I'm failing miserably.......what's wrong with me?????????

Sunday, April 12, 2009


What is Easter? Easter to me is the time of Passover, the time that Jesus rose from the dead.
But this Easter is something more, this is the 2nd Easter without my Tristan. Last year my heart was ripping out of my chest, this year it's different, the pain is definitely different, it's not as ripping as it is settled, a pain so deep in my chest and stomach, a pain that's so final. Tears are on the very edge of the surface as though anything can set me off in a frenzy of tears.

Tristan, it was hard this year, this year you should have understood a visit from the Easter Bunny, but there were no Easter Bunnies here this year. No brightly fun made basket with your name on it, no toys, no candy, nothing Easter in the house this year. No family gathering, no egg hunt, no big Easter feast, just daddy, the kitties, a movie, a roast in the crockpot, and me. It's so darn quiet. The sky's just as gloomy as I. The tears from heaven are falling as I type this, I know that's not you because I know there is no pain or sorrow in heaven, I know that you don't miss mommy and daddy, cause you really don't even know that we're gone, but sweet baby boy, we miss you so much, much more than you or anyone out there could ever imagine. I miss seeing you grow into a toddler, I miss seeing you smile, and I long to hear the words I love you momma, come out of your mouth, but those are sweet words I will never hear from you. I hear them in my dreams though, and I know that's you saying it!!

Please be close to daddy always sweetie, I know he suffers so many fears and so much anxiety. Keep him in peace knowing you're near! Tell Jesus to please take extra good care of daddy, mommy is worried about him. I love you son. And your daddy really loves you, he misses you so much!!

Mommy just wanted to wish you a very Happy Easter, Mommy is going to light a candle for you today on your memorial site, and if anyone reading this feels led to light a candle for you, and to send you their love, they can find your memorial site here..

Tristan, I'm sure you've met sweet baby boy Jackson Paul Guilliot, baby show him the way around, and teach him how to use his wings sweetie, his daddy used to work with daddy, and I know they love him so very much. I know that they hurt for him, and we are all so very sorry for his mommy and daddy and hate that any other parent would have to feel this pain.. send their family lots of angel kisses sweet pea!!

we love you so very much
Happy Easter sweet baby
Mommy and Daddy

PS please give Frodo, Beowulf, and Harley many kisses from mommy and daddy!!

We love you angel!

Friday, April 10, 2009

A new journey

I just wanted to use this opportunity to introduce you to my other blog, that's right, I now have 2. I have had them for a while now. I title it the life of a stay at home wife, and continuing the journey of life being a stay at home wife. You never know what may come up! Like now I have some AMAZING new's to share!! I have only God to thank for guiding me in the right direction!!

Two really good things have happened the last few days!!
My best friend Amanda has asked me to be a part time nanny for her, While she works I will take care of her beautiful little girl!! H is the best kiddo I've been around in a while, she never ceases to amaze everyone around her, you will see me write a lot about this journey, and being around a little one, and the smiles and heartaches that may come with it, in my 2nd blog. Also in my second blog you will hear about another business journey I'm taking. I am so very excited to introduce you to your newest Independent Beauty Consultant for Mary Kay!! I can't wait to get my starter kit,and make new friends in the process of gaining financial success. All of these things will continue to be updated in my 2nd blog, instead of here. This blog is for my precious son, I will write normally only of him and our feelings about him, and of course his mommy and daddy's missing him. But I have a big feeling that a certain little boy, whispered in God's ear, to help mommy find the way she needed to go!!

I will enclose a link to my 2nd blog, I think if you click on the title of this blog it will even take you there, but just incase it don't, you can find it by clicking here.

Rest in Peace Mommy