Our Journey.....

January 2001, it was a cold, blistery, icy day in Oklahoma City, the day my future husband asked me to be his girl!!! March 31, 2006 was our wedding day.. We had decided that since we'd already been together for 5 years that we would immediately start trying for a baby. So in April that's what we did.. It took us 3 months and in July we were looking at a positive pregnancy test.. It was the 5th of July.. I remember thinking the 4th that I had to of been pregnant, as the beer just tasted horrible and I was wanting to sleep.. That pregnancy was not the easiest.. We started bleeding from the beginning, it was diagnosed a subchorionic hemorrhage.. It was a huge blood clot between the uterus and placenta.. Well fast forward to 12 weeks after getting off bed rest and having no more bleeding.. We had an ultrasound to find that our precious baby had passed on 3 weeks before.. I had what they called a missed abortion (you won't see me use this term as I HATE it..) So I had to schedule a d n c for the next day.. That morning around 4 am I woke up to severe pains and bleeding only to find out that my body had finally realized that it was miscarrying, so we got bumped up a few hours to do the d n c.. Our dr. sent the 'remains' off to the lab for genetic testing and he called a few weeks later to tell me that our baby was a healthy baby boy.. We named him Xavier Ahren. He was 9 weeks 5 days and our d n c was on 9/19/06.. We were told we could try after our first cycle, so we did, we got pregnant 4 months later, we were excited, yet nervous.. There was no bleeding and our number's were progressing well. Well at 5 weeks we had an u/s.. Nothing but a sac. We were told to come back 2 weeks later, at 7 weeks we went back and still there was only a sac, but a second sac was visible now too..The dr. thought he had seen a second sac at 5 weeks but we didn't think nothing of it.. We were told to come back in a week.. We went back at 8 weeks 3 days, still only a sac, that was starting to shrink, and the second sac completely gone.. We were diagnosed with a blighted ovum and decided to do a d n c right then instead of waiting.. We were devastated, again....We call this baby (well what should have been a baby) February, we needed closure.. well I needed closure) 4 months later, June 27, 2007 could it be? Yes it is, a big fat positive, I couldn't believe it, whoo-hoo we were pregnant again.. I was nervous as all get out, could barely stand myself I was so nervous. We had slight spotting at 5 weeks and went to the ER, only to be told we had a slight subchorionic hemorrhage, you can about guess my nerves shot straight through the roof, great here we go again.... I prepared myself to lose this baby too, but wait, it's 12 weeks and we're still pregnant, and there's a heartbeat?!?! Wow, 19 weeks and it's a BOY?!?! Is this for real? Is this really happening? We're going to be parents for real this time? Little did we know what God had in store for us....... January 21, 2008, Martin Luther King day, Monday, and the beginning of our 33rd week.. Everything started out great, Our little boy had woke me up at 5 am having a little kick-boxing tournament, this was the VERY FIRST time this had ever happened. I went about my morning, got on the computer, was fixing to start chatting with some girlfriends of mine, when I got the most oddest, most painful cramp I've ever gotten.. In all honesty I thought I had to go to the bathroom.. So I finished typing out what I had to say, and headed to the bathroom, the only thing was the pain was overwhelming, I was literally on my tip-toes.. (if I knew then what I know now, I would have just started pushing right then.... :( ) I sat down and hear a pop, gush....My first thought was Oh shit, my water just broke, I'm only 33 weeks, and we still have 7 weeks to go, ok, we can deal with NICU.. But then I look down.. The image I seen will forever haunt me, blood, and lots of it, I've never in all of my life seen so much blood as I did this day.. From here everything went down hill and FAST!! I stood up, grabbed some tissue and put it between my legs and ran to the living room, grabbed the phone, and called my husband, I was so scared, and deep inside, I knew he was gone...But I get a hold of him.. We talk he leaves work.. Well not thinking of the holiday it was I called my dr's office, no answer, I'm starting to feel faint and light headed, so I lay down on the floor, I called the ER and told them what was going on, all they could say is "why are you calling the er?" I just hung up.. Aaron called and was on the phone with 911 when he walked in the house.. He helped me to the living room couch where I laid down and was in so much pain, more pain than I ever imagined possible.. The paramedics showed up. finally.. Well apparently I got the pick of the day, 2 of the most ignorant, most hateful, degrading, pieces of crap people to come help us.. One was a rookie, and the other was a jerk.. The jerk asked me if I was pregnant? Duh, I'm 8 months freaking pregnant!! I'm huge!! He then says "Are you bleeding?" My reply was yes, his was well you miscarried......WHAT?!?! You're seriously going to tell a freaking 8 month pregnant woman that she just miscarried.. I already hated the idiot.. He then asks me if I can get up on my own and move to the gurney, sure I say, and as I do I throw up, he then thrust this bag in my face and say's "throw up in here not in my bus, I just cleaned it" they then proceed to wheel me out of my house, with no blanket on, just panties and a t-shirt.. I asked for my own blanket. Then they wheel me over the stepping stones instead of picking me up and carrying me, this hurt like you wouldn't believe the pain is still very vivid in my mind.. We'd already told them 2 times they've asked what hospital we were going to, twice, Women's and children's.. they get me in the ambulance, and pull out.. They didn't give me oxygen or anything except an iv. of saline.. I keep feeling the need to pass out, and gushes of blood coming out of me.. I told him that I felt like I was going to pass out, and he said there was nothing he could do, I was already laying down. So about this time I look out the window wondering why it's taking so long to get to my hospital, the idiots took me to the wrong hospital... . I keep feeling the need to close my eyes...just go to sleep.. Well they FINALLY get me to Women's and Children's, and upstairs to Labor and Delivery, where I coded, on the spot.. I remember the nurse checking me, and her saying that I was dialated 2 cm, and trying to find Tristan's heartbeat, it wasn't there.. I remember looking to Aaron and saying he's gone honey, my baby's gone, and Aaron, and the nurse both saying no he's probably hiding.. then I vaguely remember hearing Aaron say her eyes are rolling and the nurse saying Oh shit (as she hits the wall) and saying I need help in here.. (Later found out she called a code blue on me).. The next memories are in and out, and still comes back in flashes.. I remember waking in this room, very cold, and 2 people above my head, one woman on man, and I hear them saying we need to intibuate and start cpr, where is everyone at? I remember my dr. Dr. H standing next to me saying "Hi Shannon, it's me Dr. H and there's no fetal heart activity we need to operate immediately to find out where the bleed is before we lose you.. Then I felt him cut me, and everything went black.. The next thing I remember is waking up in the recovery room, looking up and seeing Aaron's face, and knowing that something was VERY wrong.. Then our social worker, Ms. Mary asked me if I would like to hold our son.....This was the first time I seen my little boy, he was gone, lifeless, but the most amazing creature I've ever seen, the most beautiful little boy.. Beings that I had a c section I had to stay in the hospital for a few days.. We were released, on Jan. 24, 2008 and it was hard leaving that hospital with only plants and a memory box full of Tristan's belongings, yet leaving him there.. This blog is full of the last 2 years and the years of battling infertility, and our journey to parent hood, if it's meant to be..

Tuesday, March 24, 2009

My Granny

Prayers are needed for my Granny tonight, and tomorrow and for a while to come now. Last night, she was getting up to get my pa pa something and she fell and broke her hip. My brother and I were just talking this past weekend that we were worried about something like this happening, and look it did. I'm so sad for her and scared. From working in the nursing homes in my younger years, I know that her life will more than likely start going down hill from here. I hate thinking about that, but I'm no stranger to real life with the elderly, hence why I'm NO longer ever going to work in a nursing home again.

My granny is a strong and good woman, she's battled and won the fight with breast cancer, not once, but twice.. She's the woman that taught me to make chocolate chip cookies, she's the woman I begged (when I was 5) to bring her cows, and move into my bedroom.. I love my Granny, and even though it's been 3 years since I've seen them, I love them with all of my heart, she's an amazing woman. She used to sew like crazy, I remember every beginning of the school year, I would receive a box, and it would be full of clothes that she made for me..

So Tristan buddy watch over Great Granny M. as she goes into surgery tomorrow, and keep close to Great Papa, let him know you're near and drying his tears!! I love you sweet heart!!

Saturday, March 21, 2009

14 months

Wow, I really can't believe that 14 months ago I gave birth to the most precious little being!! It really doesn't seem as thought it's been so long, some day's seems still like yesterday, and some days' seem years ago! Do you hear me talking to you? I talk to you all the time! Do you hear me singing to you? I do that too! Do you feel me loving you? Cause there's not a second go by that I don't love you! But one thing I've tried letting go, and thinking I'm doing an ok job of it, is the grief!! I am always going to miss you, and wonder who and what you would be like, but I am not going to grieve you any more, I am going to let you and your brothers' and your kitty, and birdy play and I know that God said when we see you again it will only be as if you blinked your eyes, I believe that!! I know that the word also says' you feel no pain, sorrow, or hurt, so with that I am going to smile now, when I think about you.. I am going to laugh when I see your name,I will know that's your small way of saying hi mom! When a dragon fly passes I will say Hi buddy! My sweet dragon fly you're flying high!! Mommy loves you so very very much!!

Wednesday, March 18, 2009

Tristan's St. Patricks Bear

These are just a few pictures that I took on St. Patricks Day!! Tristan mommy always thinks of you every day, and will always share every holiday with you!! I love you and daddy loves you so much!!
Love you always

Smallest Wingless by Craig Cardiff

Smallest Wingless Lyrics


Monday, March 16, 2009

a dream......

Last night I had the best dream I've ever had!

I was on all fours praying, when the sky parts and Jesus' hands come down, and Tristan is in His palms, and He brings Tristan to me, and Tristan kissed me on my cheek, I woke up still feeling that kiss. It was so real!!! I still feel that kiss!!

This is the first dream I've had like that!! Thank you for coming to visit, I've really needed to see you!!

Sunday, March 15, 2009

Plan of Salvation

Thank you Tristan, thank you for sending us to church today, we got the very powerful message, and mommy can't thank you enough!!
We had a guest speaker today at church and the message he brought with him was so amazing, and really spoke to daddy and I.

This is him:

Pastor Wendell McGowan, pastors River City Church in Redding, California with his wife of 37 years, Lauretta. Pastor McGowan is a dynamic and fiery, yet compassionate preacher of the Word of God. Wendell has the heart of a Father with an evangelistic thrust. Although he walks in a diversity of gifts, he operates mainly in a prophetic anointing. God has also used him in spiritual warfare, and in the laying on of hands for healing. One word that best describes Wendell is PASSION. He has a passion about everything he does. We believe God is using Wendell to help mend a net for the end time harvest.

Click here for full Biography

Just an amazing service today, he had daddy lay his hand on mommy's womb today, while he prayed over us, and son, thank you for allowing us to let you rest, and move forward, thank you for the time we had you!!

I know that now I have to let you go, I will never forget, BUT it's time to allow the grief to leave. Thank you Jesus, for showing me confirmation.

Plan of Salvation

The following scriptures from the Holy Bible will help you to understand God's desire for every person.

Romans 3:23

For all have sinned, and come short of the glory of God;

Romans 6:23

For the wages of sin is death; but the gift of God is eternal life through Jesus Christ our Lord.

Ephesians 2:8

For by grace are ye saved through faith; and that not of yourselves: it is the gift of God:

1 John 1:9

If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins, and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.

Romans 10:9

That if thou shalt confess with thy mouth the Lord Jesus, and shalt believe in thine heart that God hath raised him from the dead, thou shalt be saved.

Romans 10:10

For with the heart man believeth unto righteousness; and with the mouth confession is made unto salvation.

Acts 4:12

Neither is there salvation in any other: for there is none other name under heaven given among men, whereby we must be saved.

Revelation 3:20

Behold, I stand at the door, and knock: if any man hear my voice, and open the door, I will come in to him, and will sup with him, and he with me.

John 3:16

For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life.

Mark 16:16

He that believeth and is baptized shall be saved; but he that believeth not shall be damned.

Acts 16:31

And they said, Believe on the Lord Jesus Christ, and thou shalt be saved, and thy house.

Acts 4:12

Neither is there salvation in any other: for there is none other name under heaven given among men, whereby we must be saved.

Acts 2:21

And it shall come to pass, that whosoever shall call on the name of the Lord shall be saved.

John 3:17

For God sent not his Son into the world to condemn the world; but that the world through him might be saved.

John 3:18

He that believeth on him is not condemned: but he that believeth not is condemned already, because he hath not believed in the name of the only begotten Son of God.

Sunday, March 8, 2009

Now I lay me down to sleep, I pray the Lord my tears to keep.
My baby sleeps in Heaven's arms, peaceful with angelic charm.
Lord, take my tears, but grant me a kiss, but grant me a kiss
from the angel baby I so miss.....

found on lafemmebonita.com

I fell in love with it!!

Wednesday, March 4, 2009

HI buddy, God sweetheart, I just want to hold you so badly in my arms. To hug your neck, and kiss your cheek would just be heavenly.. I miss you so badly tonight, well every day and night really, but tonight, as I sit here listening to the music I picked out for your blog, I just want to hold you.. I want to be your mommy still, that's all I have ever wanted. I picture you running up to me with your arms held up, saying mommy lub eww, something that I will never get to hear.. I see Harley growing, and I know you're only 6 months behind, but I see all of her milestones, and know that I will never experience that with you. I want to see you put your arms around your daddy's neck as you play. God Tristan mommy loves you so much, I miss you terribly.. I still don't understand why you? It's still not fair, and I still want and need you here, but I have accepted and moved on from the thought of actually having you back, I know that's not going to happen, and I know too, that you've never really left me, not really, your still around, I do feel you close to my heart.. Even though there's a huge Tristan sized hole there and it aches every single day for you. I know that you're at peace, and I'm at peace knowing that, but the selfish part of me is still so strong.. I know that I will see and hold and kiss your cheek again.
Missing you always, and LOVING you more

It's been almost 14 months since we lost our son, and every single day of the last 13.5 months has been the biggest challenge of our lives. So many things have happened in the past 13.5 months it's almost silly really. But on a good note things are starting to look up for us, I mean A was only laid off for 2 weeks, and he since has a job, even though it was a pay cut, but we've also got 2 vehicles now, and I have the option of going back to work. I've been seriously debating this as I know I need the freedom from my grief as well as my house, and my couch, there is a permanent butt imprint on my couch from sitting in the same spot day after day for the last 13.5 months. I have gotten out, which I really need to write about that in my other blog. I still battle the sleepless nights, I stay awake online all night, til at least midnight the latest was 3, it's ridiculous, but I deal. My house has suffered though, although I'm slowly getting it caught up!! We've also found a beautiful church home!! I'm so excited about that!

Wow I can't believe after 2 months of no crying I broke down like I did tonight, I think everyone's great and wonderful news around me, the children's milestones, the births, the new pregnancies, the new words, why can't I have any of that? I just feel so overwhelmed with emotions right now, a lot of confusion, and a little jealousy. I can't believe that we've also been trying to have another baby for a year, and nothing, not even one pregnancy. I'm really beginning to wonder if this silence of the "womb" is the answer to the many many prayers I've prayed, is this the sign I've been searching for? Am I not intended to be an earthly mother? I just wish HE would let me know a definite sign..something that won't make me question it.

How long do we continue to try before giving up? We've been going at this for what 3 years next month? And all we have are 3 angels to show for it. I pray every night that God would bless us with a family. I'm getting close to my breaking point. You know I can accept that some people just aren't meant to be parents, maybe we fit that category.

Yes I am feeling a little sorry for myself I'm sorry, it happens sometimes. I just want to be a mother to a living child so badly, and don't know what the heck I'm doing wrong. I guess I'm a little emotional for a few reasons. I'm about to start my period, which just goes to show another failed month... and A isn't exactly putting out lately... so I'm feeling a tad bit on the worthless side tonight...

Rest in Peace Mommy