January 2001, it was a cold, blistery, icy day in Oklahoma City, the day my future husband asked me to be his girl!!! March 31, 2006 was our wedding day.. We had decided that since we'd already been together for 5 years that we would immediately start trying for a baby. So in April that's what we did.. It took us 3 months and in July we were looking at a positive pregnancy test.. It was the 5th of July.. I remember thinking the 4th that I had to of been pregnant, as the beer just tasted horrible and I was wanting to sleep.. That pregnancy was not the easiest.. We started bleeding from the beginning, it was diagnosed a subchorionic hemorrhage.. It was a huge blood clot between the uterus and placenta.. Well fast forward to 12 weeks after getting off bed rest and having no more bleeding.. We had an ultrasound to find that our precious baby had passed on 3 weeks before.. I had what they called a missed abortion (you won't see me use this term as I HATE it..) So I had to schedule a d n c for the next day.. That morning around 4 am I woke up to severe pains and bleeding only to find out that my body had finally realized that it was miscarrying, so we got bumped up a few hours to do the d n c.. Our dr. sent the 'remains' off to the lab for genetic testing and he called a few weeks later to tell me that our baby was a healthy baby boy.. We named him Xavier Ahren. He was 9 weeks 5 days and our d n c was on 9/19/06.. We were told we could try after our first cycle, so we did, we got pregnant 4 months later, we were excited, yet nervous.. There was no bleeding and our number's were progressing well. Well at 5 weeks we had an u/s.. Nothing but a sac. We were told to come back 2 weeks later, at 7 weeks we went back and still there was only a sac, but a second sac was visible now too..The dr. thought he had seen a second sac at 5 weeks but we didn't think nothing of it.. We were told to come back in a week.. We went back at 8 weeks 3 days, still only a sac, that was starting to shrink, and the second sac completely gone.. We were diagnosed with a blighted ovum and decided to do a d n c right then instead of waiting.. We were devastated, again....We call this baby (well what should have been a baby) February, we needed closure.. well I needed closure) 4 months later, June 27, 2007 could it be? Yes it is, a big fat positive, I couldn't believe it, whoo-hoo we were pregnant again.. I was nervous as all get out, could barely stand myself I was so nervous. We had slight spotting at 5 weeks and went to the ER, only to be told we had a slight subchorionic hemorrhage, you can about guess my nerves shot straight through the roof, great here we go again.... I prepared myself to lose this baby too, but wait, it's 12 weeks and we're still pregnant, and there's a heartbeat?!?! Wow, 19 weeks and it's a BOY?!?! Is this for real? Is this really happening? We're going to be parents for real this time? Little did we know what God had in store for us....... January 21, 2008, Martin Luther King day, Monday, and the beginning of our 33rd week.. Everything started out great, Our little boy had woke me up at 5 am having a little kick-boxing tournament, this was the VERY FIRST time this had ever happened. I went about my morning, got on the computer, was fixing to start chatting with some girlfriends of mine, when I got the most oddest, most painful cramp I've ever gotten.. In all honesty I thought I had to go to the bathroom.. So I finished typing out what I had to say, and headed to the bathroom, the only thing was the pain was overwhelming, I was literally on my tip-toes.. (if I knew then what I know now, I would have just started pushing right then.... :( ) I sat down and hear a pop, gush....My first thought was Oh shit, my water just broke, I'm only 33 weeks, and we still have 7 weeks to go, ok, we can deal with NICU.. But then I look down.. The image I seen will forever haunt me, blood, and lots of it, I've never in all of my life seen so much blood as I did this day.. From here everything went down hill and FAST!! I stood up, grabbed some tissue and put it between my legs and ran to the living room, grabbed the phone, and called my husband, I was so scared, and deep inside, I knew he was gone...But I get a hold of him.. We talk he leaves work.. Well not thinking of the holiday it was I called my dr's office, no answer, I'm starting to feel faint and light headed, so I lay down on the floor, I called the ER and told them what was going on, all they could say is "why are you calling the er?" I just hung up.. Aaron called and was on the phone with 911 when he walked in the house.. He helped me to the living room couch where I laid down and was in so much pain, more pain than I ever imagined possible.. The paramedics showed up. finally.. Well apparently I got the pick of the day, 2 of the most ignorant, most hateful, degrading, pieces of crap people to come help us.. One was a rookie, and the other was a jerk.. The jerk asked me if I was pregnant? Duh, I'm 8 months freaking pregnant!! I'm huge!! He then says "Are you bleeding?" My reply was yes, his was well you miscarried......WHAT?!?! You're seriously going to tell a freaking 8 month pregnant woman that she just miscarried.. I already hated the idiot.. He then asks me if I can get up on my own and move to the gurney, sure I say, and as I do I throw up, he then thrust this bag in my face and say's "throw up in here not in my bus, I just cleaned it" they then proceed to wheel me out of my house, with no blanket on, just panties and a t-shirt.. I asked for my own blanket. Then they wheel me over the stepping stones instead of picking me up and carrying me, this hurt like you wouldn't believe the pain is still very vivid in my mind.. We'd already told them 2 times they've asked what hospital we were going to, twice, Women's and children's.. they get me in the ambulance, and pull out.. They didn't give me oxygen or anything except an iv. of saline.. I keep feeling the need to pass out, and gushes of blood coming out of me.. I told him that I felt like I was going to pass out, and he said there was nothing he could do, I was already laying down. So about this time I look out the window wondering why it's taking so long to get to my hospital, the idiots took me to the wrong hospital... . I keep feeling the need to close my eyes...just go to sleep.. Well they FINALLY get me to Women's and Children's, and upstairs to Labor and Delivery, where I coded, on the spot.. I remember the nurse checking me, and her saying that I was dialated 2 cm, and trying to find Tristan's heartbeat, it wasn't there.. I remember looking to Aaron and saying he's gone honey, my baby's gone, and Aaron, and the nurse both saying no he's probably hiding.. then I vaguely remember hearing Aaron say her eyes are rolling and the nurse saying Oh shit (as she hits the wall) and saying I need help in here.. (Later found out she called a code blue on me).. The next memories are in and out, and still comes back in flashes.. I remember waking in this room, very cold, and 2 people above my head, one woman on man, and I hear them saying we need to intibuate and start cpr, where is everyone at? I remember my dr. Dr. H standing next to me saying "Hi Shannon, it's me Dr. H and there's no fetal heart activity we need to operate immediately to find out where the bleed is before we lose you.. Then I felt him cut me, and everything went black.. The next thing I remember is waking up in the recovery room, looking up and seeing Aaron's face, and knowing that something was VERY wrong.. Then our social worker, Ms. Mary asked me if I would like to hold our son.....This was the first time I seen my little boy, he was gone, lifeless, but the most amazing creature I've ever seen, the most beautiful little boy.. Beings that I had a c section I had to stay in the hospital for a few days.. We were released, on Jan. 24, 2008 and it was hard leaving that hospital with only plants and a memory box full of Tristan's belongings, yet leaving him there.. This blog is full of the last 2 years and the years of battling infertility, and our journey to parent hood, if it's meant to be..
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
One year ago today you were born way to soon in the most traumatic way and you were gone. I remember that day like it were yesterday, and I NEVER imagined that I would have made it. I had my doubts that daddy and I wouldn't make it, and we did, we made it through the hardest year of our entire lives. A lot of this year went by in a blur, of sadness, and raw grief.. Today we revisited those ghosts of last year, we took 2 cakes to the hospital along with some balloons.. 13 to be exact, but 1 decided to pop in the truck!! It was funny actually cause we had just discussed how many we were going to get, 12 for the number of months that he's been gone, and one for friends far and well far!! (From as far north as Canada to as far south as Florida, from the West coast to the east coast and in between.) Well because I'm not the biggest fan of odd numbers, (I know I'm weird)I bought 14 balloons. Well 1 popped so like Aaron said, guess our little man really wanted 13!! LoL!! I hope you enjoyed the balloons and the little bear!! We love you so much, and we've missed you so badly this year, and son, we will continue to miss you always! What I wouldn't give to give you birthday kisses myself, but I hope you caught the kisses mommy and daddy sent to you and send to you all the time!! Baby, I don't know how we made it, but we did, and we are so proud to be your parents, and we will always keep your memory alive sweetie! Daddy and I promise you that!! Your brother's and sister's (IF we're blessed) will know about you, we will celebrate your birthday every year with balloons and cake!! We love you sweetie, Rest well and know that one day mommy will hold you again, and I envision that feeling of you in my arms again! I love you son. Please stay close to daddy and I, always!!
Love Mommy <3 <3 <3 <3 xoxoxo
Our Social worker, Ms. Mary, released the balloons with us, She is the sweetest and most loving woman that I could have ever asked for taking care of Tristan. She was so gentle and caring.. She definatly made an impact on Aaron and I's loss. I baked 2 cakes both the same, white cakes filled with bavarian cream, I made the awareness ribbons, with Tristan's photo in the center of the ribbon, and a plaque made out of white chocolate. We gave one to the antenatal nurses, and to the social workers. They all LOVED it.. After we released the balloons and visited with Ms. Mary a bit, we had a date at Olive Garden, where we were able to talk, and it was a wonderful talk, we talked about this last year, and where we are in our grief. We talked about the strength our marriage has gained for making it through this most challenging time. As other bereaved parents will tell you, the loss of your baby/child, is very straining on a marriage. Sadly Not all make it, I really thought ours was doomed after loosing Tristan, because I've always had a track record where nothing good ever stays around,. But my record changed with Aaron.. And I give all the glory to God!!
I wonder now if things will be easier, if I won't fall into the pit as much. Will I finally be able to move on? I'm ready to move on and feel the sunshine again. I want to feel free, of the pain, but not the memories. I know that I will still have hard times, but I pray that God will continue to carry me through the tough times! I am looking forward to starting my "new" year, I know that I will probably never like January, but I pray I don't always shut down during the month as I did this year..
I am looking forward to becoming more organized, both financially, and household wise!! I'm ready to clean out the nursery, and get it ready for a hopeful future rainbow baby! I presently have it as a storage room!!