Our Journey.....

January 2001, it was a cold, blistery, icy day in Oklahoma City, the day my future husband asked me to be his girl!!! March 31, 2006 was our wedding day.. We had decided that since we'd already been together for 5 years that we would immediately start trying for a baby. So in April that's what we did.. It took us 3 months and in July we were looking at a positive pregnancy test.. It was the 5th of July.. I remember thinking the 4th that I had to of been pregnant, as the beer just tasted horrible and I was wanting to sleep.. That pregnancy was not the easiest.. We started bleeding from the beginning, it was diagnosed a subchorionic hemorrhage.. It was a huge blood clot between the uterus and placenta.. Well fast forward to 12 weeks after getting off bed rest and having no more bleeding.. We had an ultrasound to find that our precious baby had passed on 3 weeks before.. I had what they called a missed abortion (you won't see me use this term as I HATE it..) So I had to schedule a d n c for the next day.. That morning around 4 am I woke up to severe pains and bleeding only to find out that my body had finally realized that it was miscarrying, so we got bumped up a few hours to do the d n c.. Our dr. sent the 'remains' off to the lab for genetic testing and he called a few weeks later to tell me that our baby was a healthy baby boy.. We named him Xavier Ahren. He was 9 weeks 5 days and our d n c was on 9/19/06.. We were told we could try after our first cycle, so we did, we got pregnant 4 months later, we were excited, yet nervous.. There was no bleeding and our number's were progressing well. Well at 5 weeks we had an u/s.. Nothing but a sac. We were told to come back 2 weeks later, at 7 weeks we went back and still there was only a sac, but a second sac was visible now too..The dr. thought he had seen a second sac at 5 weeks but we didn't think nothing of it.. We were told to come back in a week.. We went back at 8 weeks 3 days, still only a sac, that was starting to shrink, and the second sac completely gone.. We were diagnosed with a blighted ovum and decided to do a d n c right then instead of waiting.. We were devastated, again....We call this baby (well what should have been a baby) February, we needed closure.. well I needed closure) 4 months later, June 27, 2007 could it be? Yes it is, a big fat positive, I couldn't believe it, whoo-hoo we were pregnant again.. I was nervous as all get out, could barely stand myself I was so nervous. We had slight spotting at 5 weeks and went to the ER, only to be told we had a slight subchorionic hemorrhage, you can about guess my nerves shot straight through the roof, great here we go again.... I prepared myself to lose this baby too, but wait, it's 12 weeks and we're still pregnant, and there's a heartbeat?!?! Wow, 19 weeks and it's a BOY?!?! Is this for real? Is this really happening? We're going to be parents for real this time? Little did we know what God had in store for us....... January 21, 2008, Martin Luther King day, Monday, and the beginning of our 33rd week.. Everything started out great, Our little boy had woke me up at 5 am having a little kick-boxing tournament, this was the VERY FIRST time this had ever happened. I went about my morning, got on the computer, was fixing to start chatting with some girlfriends of mine, when I got the most oddest, most painful cramp I've ever gotten.. In all honesty I thought I had to go to the bathroom.. So I finished typing out what I had to say, and headed to the bathroom, the only thing was the pain was overwhelming, I was literally on my tip-toes.. (if I knew then what I know now, I would have just started pushing right then.... :( ) I sat down and hear a pop, gush....My first thought was Oh shit, my water just broke, I'm only 33 weeks, and we still have 7 weeks to go, ok, we can deal with NICU.. But then I look down.. The image I seen will forever haunt me, blood, and lots of it, I've never in all of my life seen so much blood as I did this day.. From here everything went down hill and FAST!! I stood up, grabbed some tissue and put it between my legs and ran to the living room, grabbed the phone, and called my husband, I was so scared, and deep inside, I knew he was gone...But I get a hold of him.. We talk he leaves work.. Well not thinking of the holiday it was I called my dr's office, no answer, I'm starting to feel faint and light headed, so I lay down on the floor, I called the ER and told them what was going on, all they could say is "why are you calling the er?" I just hung up.. Aaron called and was on the phone with 911 when he walked in the house.. He helped me to the living room couch where I laid down and was in so much pain, more pain than I ever imagined possible.. The paramedics showed up. finally.. Well apparently I got the pick of the day, 2 of the most ignorant, most hateful, degrading, pieces of crap people to come help us.. One was a rookie, and the other was a jerk.. The jerk asked me if I was pregnant? Duh, I'm 8 months freaking pregnant!! I'm huge!! He then says "Are you bleeding?" My reply was yes, his was well you miscarried......WHAT?!?! You're seriously going to tell a freaking 8 month pregnant woman that she just miscarried.. I already hated the idiot.. He then asks me if I can get up on my own and move to the gurney, sure I say, and as I do I throw up, he then thrust this bag in my face and say's "throw up in here not in my bus, I just cleaned it" they then proceed to wheel me out of my house, with no blanket on, just panties and a t-shirt.. I asked for my own blanket. Then they wheel me over the stepping stones instead of picking me up and carrying me, this hurt like you wouldn't believe the pain is still very vivid in my mind.. We'd already told them 2 times they've asked what hospital we were going to, twice, Women's and children's.. they get me in the ambulance, and pull out.. They didn't give me oxygen or anything except an iv. of saline.. I keep feeling the need to pass out, and gushes of blood coming out of me.. I told him that I felt like I was going to pass out, and he said there was nothing he could do, I was already laying down. So about this time I look out the window wondering why it's taking so long to get to my hospital, the idiots took me to the wrong hospital... . I keep feeling the need to close my eyes...just go to sleep.. Well they FINALLY get me to Women's and Children's, and upstairs to Labor and Delivery, where I coded, on the spot.. I remember the nurse checking me, and her saying that I was dialated 2 cm, and trying to find Tristan's heartbeat, it wasn't there.. I remember looking to Aaron and saying he's gone honey, my baby's gone, and Aaron, and the nurse both saying no he's probably hiding.. then I vaguely remember hearing Aaron say her eyes are rolling and the nurse saying Oh shit (as she hits the wall) and saying I need help in here.. (Later found out she called a code blue on me).. The next memories are in and out, and still comes back in flashes.. I remember waking in this room, very cold, and 2 people above my head, one woman on man, and I hear them saying we need to intibuate and start cpr, where is everyone at? I remember my dr. Dr. H standing next to me saying "Hi Shannon, it's me Dr. H and there's no fetal heart activity we need to operate immediately to find out where the bleed is before we lose you.. Then I felt him cut me, and everything went black.. The next thing I remember is waking up in the recovery room, looking up and seeing Aaron's face, and knowing that something was VERY wrong.. Then our social worker, Ms. Mary asked me if I would like to hold our son.....This was the first time I seen my little boy, he was gone, lifeless, but the most amazing creature I've ever seen, the most beautiful little boy.. Beings that I had a c section I had to stay in the hospital for a few days.. We were released, on Jan. 24, 2008 and it was hard leaving that hospital with only plants and a memory box full of Tristan's belongings, yet leaving him there.. This blog is full of the last 2 years and the years of battling infertility, and our journey to parent hood, if it's meant to be..

Friday, January 30, 2009

always

Good morning Tristan, mommy just wanted to stop by and write to you, to tell you I always miss you! I always love you! and I will always keep your memory alive!! I will always talk about you, and I will always treasure your memory!!

I will always teach your brother and sister's about you. I will always keep you with us.

I just wanted to let you know that even though I've been in a happier place, and I am so ready to move forward and feel the happiness, peacefulness, and calmness, does not mean you're forgotten, or will ever be. I will always write to you and about you in this blog, and all your sites! I will forever and always love my precious boy!! Your daddy will always love and treasure you too!

Daddy and I want you to know that as things move on, and we become stronger, we will always talk to you, we always will carry our little dragon-fly with us.

We love you sweet-heart!! Mommy made another blog, the basic life of a stay at home wife, our journey to parent-hood and beyond. We hope that you carry us with you, through this, and that you will always watch over us!! I hope that we always make you proud, and happy. We love you Tristan.

Love you forever, always, and never letting go,
Mommy and Daddy.

always

Good morning Tristan, mommy just wanted to stop by and write to you, to tell you I always miss you! I always love you! and I will always keep your memory alive!! I will always talk about you, and I will always treasure your memory!!

I will always teach your brother and sister's about you. I will always keep you with us.

I just wanted to let you know that even though I've been in a happier place, and I am so ready to move forward and feel the happiness, peacefulness, and calmness, does not mean you're forgotten, or will ever be. I will always write to you and about you in this blog, and all your sites! I will forever and always love my precious boy!! Your daddy will always love and treasure you too!

Daddy and I want you to know that as things move on, and we become stronger, we will always talk to you, we always will carry our little dragon-fly with us.

We love you sweet-heart!! Mommy made another blog, the basic life of a stay at home wife, our journey to parent-hood and beyond. We hope that you carry us with you, through this, and that you will always watch over us!! I hope that we always make you proud, and happy. We love you Tristan.

Love you forever, always, and never letting go,
Mommy and Daddy.

Wednesday, January 21, 2009

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MY SWEET ANGEL!!





Tristan,
One year ago today you were born way to soon in the most traumatic way and you were gone. I remember that day like it were yesterday, and I NEVER imagined that I would have made it. I had my doubts that daddy and I wouldn't make it, and we did, we made it through the hardest year of our entire lives. A lot of this year went by in a blur, of sadness, and raw grief.. Today we revisited those ghosts of last year, we took 2 cakes to the hospital along with some balloons.. 13 to be exact, but 1 decided to pop in the truck!! It was funny actually cause we had just discussed how many we were going to get, 12 for the number of months that he's been gone, and one for friends far and well far!! (From as far north as Canada to as far south as Florida, from the West coast to the east coast and in between.) Well because I'm not the biggest fan of odd numbers, (I know I'm weird)I bought 14 balloons. Well 1 popped so like Aaron said, guess our little man really wanted 13!! LoL!! I hope you enjoyed the balloons and the little bear!! We love you so much, and we've missed you so badly this year, and son, we will continue to miss you always! What I wouldn't give to give you birthday kisses myself, but I hope you caught the kisses mommy and daddy sent to you and send to you all the time!! Baby, I don't know how we made it, but we did, and we are so proud to be your parents, and we will always keep your memory alive sweetie! Daddy and I promise you that!! Your brother's and sister's (IF we're blessed) will know about you, we will celebrate your birthday every year with balloons and cake!! We love you sweetie, Rest well and know that one day mommy will hold you again, and I envision that feeling of you in my arms again! I love you son. Please stay close to daddy and I, always!!
Love Mommy <3 <3 <3 <3 xoxoxo

Our Social worker, Ms. Mary, released the balloons with us, She is the sweetest and most loving woman that I could have ever asked for taking care of Tristan. She was so gentle and caring.. She definatly made an impact on Aaron and I's loss. I baked 2 cakes both the same, white cakes filled with bavarian cream, I made the awareness ribbons, with Tristan's photo in the center of the ribbon, and a plaque made out of white chocolate. We gave one to the antenatal nurses, and to the social workers. They all LOVED it.. After we released the balloons and visited with Ms. Mary a bit, we had a date at Olive Garden, where we were able to talk, and it was a wonderful talk, we talked about this last year, and where we are in our grief. We talked about the strength our marriage has gained for making it through this most challenging time. As other bereaved parents will tell you, the loss of your baby/child, is very straining on a marriage. Sadly Not all make it, I really thought ours was doomed after loosing Tristan, because I've always had a track record where nothing good ever stays around,. But my record changed with Aaron.. And I give all the glory to God!!

I wonder now if things will be easier, if I won't fall into the pit as much. Will I finally be able to move on? I'm ready to move on and feel the sunshine again. I want to feel free, of the pain, but not the memories. I know that I will still have hard times, but I pray that God will continue to carry me through the tough times! I am looking forward to starting my "new" year, I know that I will probably never like January, but I pray I don't always shut down during the month as I did this year..

I am looking forward to becoming more organized, both financially, and household wise!! I'm ready to clean out the nursery, and get it ready for a hopeful future rainbow baby! I presently have it as a storage room!!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MY SWEET ANGEL!!





Tristan,
One year ago today you were born way to soon in the most traumatic way and you were gone. I remember that day like it were yesterday, and I NEVER imagined that I would have made it. I had my doubts that daddy and I wouldn't make it, and we did, we made it through the hardest year of our entire lives. A lot of this year went by in a blur, of sadness, and raw grief.. Today we revisited those ghosts of last year, we took 2 cakes to the hospital along with some balloons.. 13 to be exact, but 1 decided to pop in the truck!! It was funny actually cause we had just discussed how many we were going to get, 12 for the number of months that he's been gone, and one for friends far and well far!! (From as far north as Canada to as far south as Florida, from the West coast to the east coast and in between.) Well because I'm not the biggest fan of odd numbers, (I know I'm weird)I bought 14 balloons. Well 1 popped so like Aaron said, guess our little man really wanted 13!! LoL!! I hope you enjoyed the balloons and the little bear!! We love you so much, and we've missed you so badly this year, and son, we will continue to miss you always! What I wouldn't give to give you birthday kisses myself, but I hope you caught the kisses mommy and daddy sent to you and send to you all the time!! Baby, I don't know how we made it, but we did, and we are so proud to be your parents, and we will always keep your memory alive sweetie! Daddy and I promise you that!! Your brother's and sister's (IF we're blessed) will know about you, we will celebrate your birthday every year with balloons and cake!! We love you sweetie, Rest well and know that one day mommy will hold you again, and I envision that feeling of you in my arms again! I love you son. Please stay close to daddy and I, always!!
Love Mommy <3 <3 <3 <3 xoxoxo

Our Social worker, Ms. Mary, released the balloons with us, She is the sweetest and most loving woman that I could have ever asked for taking care of Tristan. She was so gentle and caring.. She definatly made an impact on Aaron and I's loss. I baked 2 cakes both the same, white cakes filled with bavarian cream, I made the awareness ribbons, with Tristan's photo in the center of the ribbon, and a plaque made out of white chocolate. We gave one to the antenatal nurses, and to the social workers. They all LOVED it.. After we released the balloons and visited with Ms. Mary a bit, we had a date at Olive Garden, where we were able to talk, and it was a wonderful talk, we talked about this last year, and where we are in our grief. We talked about the strength our marriage has gained for making it through this most challenging time. As other bereaved parents will tell you, the loss of your baby/child, is very straining on a marriage. Sadly Not all make it, I really thought ours was doomed after loosing Tristan, because I've always had a track record where nothing good ever stays around,. But my record changed with Aaron.. And I give all the glory to God!!

I wonder now if things will be easier, if I won't fall into the pit as much. Will I finally be able to move on? I'm ready to move on and feel the sunshine again. I want to feel free, of the pain, but not the memories. I know that I will still have hard times, but I pray that God will continue to carry me through the tough times! I am looking forward to starting my "new" year, I know that I will probably never like January, but I pray I don't always shut down during the month as I did this year..

I am looking forward to becoming more organized, both financially, and household wise!! I'm ready to clean out the nursery, and get it ready for a hopeful future rainbow baby! I presently have it as a storage room!!

Thursday, January 15, 2009

Why does the pain seem so fresh and new? Why does it seem I lost you only yesterday when in all truth you've been gone now for 11 months and 25 days... I hurt so bad. My heart feels like there's an anvil just sitting on it. I have been doing well in my grief, I've been seeing the sunshine (this don't mean I felt it). I just can't shake this feeling, this drowning feeling.. I don't know how to explain it. I feel like someone has ripped my soul into. I know that God is carrying me through this, but there are times that I feel alone. All I've ever wanted in life was love and children. I have always had this dream that I would be a better mom than I had, and my husband would be a better dad than I had. Our chances seem like they keep getting taken away and it's not fair.
Why does the pain seem so fresh and new? Why does it seem I lost you only yesterday when in all truth you've been gone now for 11 months and 25 days... I hurt so bad. My heart feels like there's an anvil just sitting on it. I have been doing well in my grief, I've been seeing the sunshine (this don't mean I felt it). I just can't shake this feeling, this drowning feeling.. I don't know how to explain it. I feel like someone has ripped my soul into. I know that God is carrying me through this, but there are times that I feel alone. All I've ever wanted in life was love and children. I have always had this dream that I would be a better mom than I had, and my husband would be a better dad than I had. Our chances seem like they keep getting taken away and it's not fair.

Wednesday, January 14, 2009

i miss you terribly......

Hi sweet angel I can't believe it, you're almost a year old!! I can't picture you at a year, I still see that sweet little 4 lb baby boy they placed in my arms.. I love you my son...

I'm sorry I had to cancel your party, this is the one day that I had hoped that certain people could put differences aside and cope, but nope they couldn't, I couldn't chose which one of your grammy or grandpa could be there, I shouldn't have to, so I canceled, I'm not going to be the one responsible for hurt feelings, I can deal with my own barely..
I'm sorry that I don't get to kiss your little cheeks, I'm sorry I didn't get to see any of your firsts.... I love you so much, I'm pretty much nothing without you. I really haven't been me at all. I hurt constantly. I have no motivation, no drive, and here I am on a year coming in a week, one week from today to be exact..I still wake, and lay in bed wondering why bother getting out of bed.. But yet I make myself get out of bed, and come to the computer, where I have actual contact with the outside world. I fear I might be becoming some thing of a hermit. I really like being in my house. I hate it outside, out there it looks all bright and happy, when my heart is still dark and deep mourning. Just goes to show that everyone's world went on without you, and everyone expects mommy to move on with them, yet it's hard cause it feels like I'm leaving you in the distance, you're out of reach. I just want to reach out to you again, pull you closer to me. I just need the world to slow down. I can't keep up. I don't have the energy.
I don't do much of anything anymore, I barely post on any of my boards, I barely pay attention to tv. I just look and stare at your pictures, and wonder where in the world has this year gone? I sit here and feel like it took me with it.
You are everything. You are the most beautiful child in my heart and in my eyes. (of course mommy is a bit biased). I know that I will never get the answers as to why, but I know that you're ok. I really believe that NOW! I know that you are in good and loving hands.. I love you son.. Right now mommies having a hard time seeing through the tears so I will continue my letter to you tomorrow my love..
Give your brother's, Frodo, and Beowulf mommy and daddy's love,
kiss grandmaGoodwin, grandpa Goodwin, mawmaw Henley, great granny Henley, grandpa Warner. Tell cousin Louis to visit his momma, she really misses him!! Give everyone there in heaven our love sweetie, I wish I could kiss you good night, but I hope you catch the kisses daddy and I send to heaven.

Loving you more than there are stars in the sky
Love,
Mommy

i miss you terribly......

Hi sweet angel I can't believe it, you're almost a year old!! I can't picture you at a year, I still see that sweet little 4 lb baby boy they placed in my arms.. I love you my son...

I'm sorry I had to cancel your party, this is the one day that I had hoped that certain people could put differences aside and cope, but nope they couldn't, I couldn't chose which one of your grammy or grandpa could be there, I shouldn't have to, so I canceled, I'm not going to be the one responsible for hurt feelings, I can deal with my own barely..
I'm sorry that I don't get to kiss your little cheeks, I'm sorry I didn't get to see any of your firsts.... I love you so much, I'm pretty much nothing without you. I really haven't been me at all. I hurt constantly. I have no motivation, no drive, and here I am on a year coming in a week, one week from today to be exact..I still wake, and lay in bed wondering why bother getting out of bed.. But yet I make myself get out of bed, and come to the computer, where I have actual contact with the outside world. I fear I might be becoming some thing of a hermit. I really like being in my house. I hate it outside, out there it looks all bright and happy, when my heart is still dark and deep mourning. Just goes to show that everyone's world went on without you, and everyone expects mommy to move on with them, yet it's hard cause it feels like I'm leaving you in the distance, you're out of reach. I just want to reach out to you again, pull you closer to me. I just need the world to slow down. I can't keep up. I don't have the energy.
I don't do much of anything anymore, I barely post on any of my boards, I barely pay attention to tv. I just look and stare at your pictures, and wonder where in the world has this year gone? I sit here and feel like it took me with it.
You are everything. You are the most beautiful child in my heart and in my eyes. (of course mommy is a bit biased). I know that I will never get the answers as to why, but I know that you're ok. I really believe that NOW! I know that you are in good and loving hands.. I love you son.. Right now mommies having a hard time seeing through the tears so I will continue my letter to you tomorrow my love..
Give your brother's, Frodo, and Beowulf mommy and daddy's love,
kiss grandmaGoodwin, grandpa Goodwin, mawmaw Henley, great granny Henley, grandpa Warner. Tell cousin Louis to visit his momma, she really misses him!! Give everyone there in heaven our love sweetie, I wish I could kiss you good night, but I hope you catch the kisses daddy and I send to heaven.

Loving you more than there are stars in the sky
Love,
Mommy

Sunday, January 11, 2009

Excerpts from a book

Remembering With Love
Messages of Hope
For The First Year of Grieving And Beyond
by Elizabeth Levang, Ph.D. & Sherokee Ilse

The Early Days
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A Death Has Occurred by Paul Irion
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
A death has occurred and everything is changed.
We are painfully aware
that life can never be the same again,
that yesterday is over,
that relationships once rich have ended.
But there is another way to look upon this truth.
If life now went on the same,
without the presence of the one who has died,
we could only conclude that the life we remember
made no contribution, filled no space, meant nothing.
The fact that this person left behind a place
that cannot be filled
is a high tribute to this individual.
Life can be the same after a trinket has been lost,
but never after the loss of a treasure.
_______________________________________________________

Numbness
"It is as if a darkness blankets my feelings. I am numb to the world."
Dan Laik, in memory of a special friend.

At times our emotions may become so intense, so overpowering, that we begin to feel as if we are numb, out of touch with everyone and everything around us. The numbness may feel like a heavy, dark cloth that blankets all emotions. It may cover the raw feelings that assault us and momentarily soothe our confusion and pain.
That numbness is a sign for us to rest----physically, mentally, and emotinally.

It is okay to feel numb. I will temporarily give way to theis numbness and let it give me time to revive and renew myself. I can rest.
~*~*~*~*~*~**~*~*~*~*~*~**~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~**~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~**~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~**~*~*~*
Approaching the Anniversary

"Many days have passed since he left. The weeks flew by, and it is now getting close to that time of year that is both sad, yet joyful: the anniversary. It is so hard to let go fully."
Suzanne Knopf, in loving memory of her son, Jamieson Sean

The days before the anniversary of a loved one's death can be an anxious and sometimes stressful time. We may look back on this as the longest year of our lives, or it may seem hard to believe that a year has almost come and gone. We may recall the violent pain as if it were only yesterday. Seeking to put an entire year behind us, we may have tried to wish time away. Now that it is almost upon us, we may scarcely be able to believe it.
At this time, the joy and sadness of our loved one's life and death often combine and bring forth deep emotions. We can find ourselves more tearful, angry, or especially sensitive. we wonder if we should try to put all this behind us as we prepare to begin a new year.
Although a year is significant, it is not the end of grieving or the automatic beginning of a new, happy life. Nor is it something to fear. It may be a turning point. For many of us, it may mean we survived longer than we thought we could. Soon we head into the second cycle of everything; the second Memorial Day, Thanksgiving, holiday season, Mother and Father's Day, and other significant occasions.

I will allow myself to feel the pain and the joy of the upcoming annivesary of my loved one's death. I need not fear this day, but can feel hopeful about it.



These are just a few, this book is really awesome and I highly recommend it to everyone out there, because everyone has experienced the loss of a baby, mother, father, uncle, aunt, sister, brother, grandma, grandpa, etc, We've all lost someone that we love, this has the perfect words for how you're feeling..

Excerpts from a book

Remembering With Love
Messages of Hope
For The First Year of Grieving And Beyond
by Elizabeth Levang, Ph.D. & Sherokee Ilse

The Early Days
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A Death Has Occurred by Paul Irion
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
A death has occurred and everything is changed.
We are painfully aware
that life can never be the same again,
that yesterday is over,
that relationships once rich have ended.
But there is another way to look upon this truth.
If life now went on the same,
without the presence of the one who has died,
we could only conclude that the life we remember
made no contribution, filled no space, meant nothing.
The fact that this person left behind a place
that cannot be filled
is a high tribute to this individual.
Life can be the same after a trinket has been lost,
but never after the loss of a treasure.
_______________________________________________________

Numbness
"It is as if a darkness blankets my feelings. I am numb to the world."
Dan Laik, in memory of a special friend.

At times our emotions may become so intense, so overpowering, that we begin to feel as if we are numb, out of touch with everyone and everything around us. The numbness may feel like a heavy, dark cloth that blankets all emotions. It may cover the raw feelings that assault us and momentarily soothe our confusion and pain.
That numbness is a sign for us to rest----physically, mentally, and emotinally.

It is okay to feel numb. I will temporarily give way to theis numbness and let it give me time to revive and renew myself. I can rest.
~*~*~*~*~*~**~*~*~*~*~*~**~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~**~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~**~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~**~*~*~*
Approaching the Anniversary

"Many days have passed since he left. The weeks flew by, and it is now getting close to that time of year that is both sad, yet joyful: the anniversary. It is so hard to let go fully."
Suzanne Knopf, in loving memory of her son, Jamieson Sean

The days before the anniversary of a loved one's death can be an anxious and sometimes stressful time. We may look back on this as the longest year of our lives, or it may seem hard to believe that a year has almost come and gone. We may recall the violent pain as if it were only yesterday. Seeking to put an entire year behind us, we may have tried to wish time away. Now that it is almost upon us, we may scarcely be able to believe it.
At this time, the joy and sadness of our loved one's life and death often combine and bring forth deep emotions. We can find ourselves more tearful, angry, or especially sensitive. we wonder if we should try to put all this behind us as we prepare to begin a new year.
Although a year is significant, it is not the end of grieving or the automatic beginning of a new, happy life. Nor is it something to fear. It may be a turning point. For many of us, it may mean we survived longer than we thought we could. Soon we head into the second cycle of everything; the second Memorial Day, Thanksgiving, holiday season, Mother and Father's Day, and other significant occasions.

I will allow myself to feel the pain and the joy of the upcoming annivesary of my loved one's death. I need not fear this day, but can feel hopeful about it.



These are just a few, this book is really awesome and I highly recommend it to everyone out there, because everyone has experienced the loss of a baby, mother, father, uncle, aunt, sister, brother, grandma, grandpa, etc, We've all lost someone that we love, this has the perfect words for how you're feeling..









I don't know where to begin the thoughts are going a million miles an hour.. I can't sort through them enough to even focus on daily activity.. What's wrong with me? Am I going crazy, has everything finally made me slip over the edge of no return? I feel like I'm going insane, I thought by now I would not feel so crushed still. I thought that maybe laughter would come A LOT easier. It does come easier, but I was expecting it to be easier than it is. I know that probably doesn't even make sense but to me it does.

I seem to have fallen back down that dark pit wall as soon as Christmas was over. I am dreading yet looking forward to Tristan's birthday. I'm stressing on it, mainly because I'm inviting my mother and my father. They're going through a nasty divorce, so it's stressful to ask them to be around one another, guess we'll see how it goes.

A part of me feels silly for having a "birthday party" but then I get so mad at myself for having those feelings, it's not silly, he's my son.. I want to celebrate his life, he lived for a wonderful 33 weeks.

I remember those 33 weeks, I was so terrified to do anything. After our first 2 losses I felt so honored and so blessed that God had finally blessed us with a living baby, we just knew this baby was coming home, because we had made it past that most dangerous stage, we made it through the 1st trimester. The 2nd trimester was awesome, as my belly grew, the stranger my hormones were, I remember crying one day over the silliest thing, and for the life of me I wish I could remember that. I remember wanting barbecue sauce so badly that everything I ate I had to put bbq sauce on it.. Oh and lets not forget the cereal, he would just kick like crazy like he was the happiest baby ever!! I remember that every time I would try to get him to move for his daddy, he would stop!! I remember freaking out because he was getting the hiccups like every 5 minutes, the dr said that's cause he's going to have a strong set of lungs.. If only we'd of known?! I remember the day that he died, like it were yesterday, that was the FIRST and last time that he had ever woken me in a dead sleep kicking the crap out of me, I LOVED it!! He tumbled around til 10:30ish am, that was his normal time of a morning to calm down til around 2ish, but God had something else in store for our little Tristan that day.

I remember the whole day every grim detail like it just happened, I wonder if the memories will always be this detailed, and painful. I remember when Ms. Mary asked me if I would like to hold my son, and the feeling that rushed in me like honestly woman how stupid do you have to be to ask me if I want to hold my son?! I didn't fully understand, I was in complete denial, I didn't believe Dr. H when he told me there was no cardiac activity, no way, we had made it through the first trimester this couldn't be happening; so when Ms. Mary asked me that, I wanted to see for myself that he was alive, he wasn't/couldn't be dead. But he was, he was gone from our lives, our precious beautiful Tristan. I felt so much compassion at the moment Ms. Mary laid him in my arms, and she touched my hand as she handed him to me and told me that he was the most perfect, most beautiful baby that she had ever seen, and that the nurses all cried while bathing him because he was so beautiful, and they found the most perfect outfit for him, he looked so handsome, just like a little prince.

I can't believe and don't know how I've made it this past year without my son, but it hurts like hell. I think the pain is so much different now than it was even in the first weeks, the pain is so freaking different, yet, so much the same.









I don't know where to begin the thoughts are going a million miles an hour.. I can't sort through them enough to even focus on daily activity.. What's wrong with me? Am I going crazy, has everything finally made me slip over the edge of no return? I feel like I'm going insane, I thought by now I would not feel so crushed still. I thought that maybe laughter would come A LOT easier. It does come easier, but I was expecting it to be easier than it is. I know that probably doesn't even make sense but to me it does.

I seem to have fallen back down that dark pit wall as soon as Christmas was over. I am dreading yet looking forward to Tristan's birthday. I'm stressing on it, mainly because I'm inviting my mother and my father. They're going through a nasty divorce, so it's stressful to ask them to be around one another, guess we'll see how it goes.

A part of me feels silly for having a "birthday party" but then I get so mad at myself for having those feelings, it's not silly, he's my son.. I want to celebrate his life, he lived for a wonderful 33 weeks.

I remember those 33 weeks, I was so terrified to do anything. After our first 2 losses I felt so honored and so blessed that God had finally blessed us with a living baby, we just knew this baby was coming home, because we had made it past that most dangerous stage, we made it through the 1st trimester. The 2nd trimester was awesome, as my belly grew, the stranger my hormones were, I remember crying one day over the silliest thing, and for the life of me I wish I could remember that. I remember wanting barbecue sauce so badly that everything I ate I had to put bbq sauce on it.. Oh and lets not forget the cereal, he would just kick like crazy like he was the happiest baby ever!! I remember that every time I would try to get him to move for his daddy, he would stop!! I remember freaking out because he was getting the hiccups like every 5 minutes, the dr said that's cause he's going to have a strong set of lungs.. If only we'd of known?! I remember the day that he died, like it were yesterday, that was the FIRST and last time that he had ever woken me in a dead sleep kicking the crap out of me, I LOVED it!! He tumbled around til 10:30ish am, that was his normal time of a morning to calm down til around 2ish, but God had something else in store for our little Tristan that day.

I remember the whole day every grim detail like it just happened, I wonder if the memories will always be this detailed, and painful. I remember when Ms. Mary asked me if I would like to hold my son, and the feeling that rushed in me like honestly woman how stupid do you have to be to ask me if I want to hold my son?! I didn't fully understand, I was in complete denial, I didn't believe Dr. H when he told me there was no cardiac activity, no way, we had made it through the first trimester this couldn't be happening; so when Ms. Mary asked me that, I wanted to see for myself that he was alive, he wasn't/couldn't be dead. But he was, he was gone from our lives, our precious beautiful Tristan. I felt so much compassion at the moment Ms. Mary laid him in my arms, and she touched my hand as she handed him to me and told me that he was the most perfect, most beautiful baby that she had ever seen, and that the nurses all cried while bathing him because he was so beautiful, and they found the most perfect outfit for him, he looked so handsome, just like a little prince.

I can't believe and don't know how I've made it this past year without my son, but it hurts like hell. I think the pain is so much different now than it was even in the first weeks, the pain is so freaking different, yet, so much the same.

Friday, January 9, 2009

a letter from heaven....

Dear Mom and Dad,

I wish that I could have said "good bye". It sometimes seems unfair that I was never able to say "hello".

I'm OK now; everything is better. I miss you and always will, but I believe we will be together again, in time for all time. Right now, though, that seems likely an eternity. In time it will be for an eternity.

Please, remember me, use my name, tell my family and your friends about me. Never forget me or pretend I didn't exist.

Thanks for all you done for me. Mom, thanks for putting up with all of the changes in your body; thanks for everything you shared with me. Thanks for talking to me; I know your hopes and dreams for me. Thanks for the songs you sang, and for those gentle pats you gave me while I was floating inside you. You may not realize it, but the rhythmic contracting helped me rest peacefully and reassured me. As I grew I could feel your heart beating better and better, and it gave me such a wonderful sense of comfort.

Thanks for tears you shed for me. I know you did everything you could for me and I am fortunate to have you for my Mother. I am sorry for the sadness and sorrow you have suffered.

Dad, thanks for being there for Mom and me, it must have been so hard for you, trying to be so strong and brave for Mom, when you were confused, upset and afraid yourself. I will miss growing up with you, wrestling, being tossed in the air, just sitting on your lap learning how to use the TV remote control. Please don't ever forget about me. I will never forget about you.

If there is something that I have learned, is that you will not find the answer to the 'why' of all of this, not now anyway. God did not make this happen, but He will help you live, love and laugh again. Sometimes that can seem very difficult when you hurt and want so badly answers.

I want you to live today; be happy. Bring laughter back into the house. Dare to dream again. You know so much better than many that life is often so short and unpredictable. Tomorrow is never guaranteed.

I would rather this be all a very bad nightmare, but I can't do nothing to change that now. However, you can make something good out of my death if you use it for an opportunity to love each other a little bit more, and reach out. There are so many hurting people out there who need a hand, or a hug or a 'hello' or just someone to listen. Don't be afraid to admit that you may be one of them. Be gentle with each other.

On a clear, still night, look for me out there in the peace and quiet. Look up, not by the Big Dipper or the Milky Way, but over there in the corner of the sky. See that small, twinkling you never noticed before?

One more thing before I go, thanks a lot for everything you did for me. Thanks for caring and sharing. Thanks for trying and crying. I love you lots. And Mom and Dad, "good bye", "good bye for just a little longer."

Love you
Tristan

a letter from heaven....

Dear Mom and Dad,

I wish that I could have said "good bye". It sometimes seems unfair that I was never able to say "hello".

I'm OK now; everything is better. I miss you and always will, but I believe we will be together again, in time for all time. Right now, though, that seems likely an eternity. In time it will be for an eternity.

Please, remember me, use my name, tell my family and your friends about me. Never forget me or pretend I didn't exist.

Thanks for all you done for me. Mom, thanks for putting up with all of the changes in your body; thanks for everything you shared with me. Thanks for talking to me; I know your hopes and dreams for me. Thanks for the songs you sang, and for those gentle pats you gave me while I was floating inside you. You may not realize it, but the rhythmic contracting helped me rest peacefully and reassured me. As I grew I could feel your heart beating better and better, and it gave me such a wonderful sense of comfort.

Thanks for tears you shed for me. I know you did everything you could for me and I am fortunate to have you for my Mother. I am sorry for the sadness and sorrow you have suffered.

Dad, thanks for being there for Mom and me, it must have been so hard for you, trying to be so strong and brave for Mom, when you were confused, upset and afraid yourself. I will miss growing up with you, wrestling, being tossed in the air, just sitting on your lap learning how to use the TV remote control. Please don't ever forget about me. I will never forget about you.

If there is something that I have learned, is that you will not find the answer to the 'why' of all of this, not now anyway. God did not make this happen, but He will help you live, love and laugh again. Sometimes that can seem very difficult when you hurt and want so badly answers.

I want you to live today; be happy. Bring laughter back into the house. Dare to dream again. You know so much better than many that life is often so short and unpredictable. Tomorrow is never guaranteed.

I would rather this be all a very bad nightmare, but I can't do nothing to change that now. However, you can make something good out of my death if you use it for an opportunity to love each other a little bit more, and reach out. There are so many hurting people out there who need a hand, or a hug or a 'hello' or just someone to listen. Don't be afraid to admit that you may be one of them. Be gentle with each other.

On a clear, still night, look for me out there in the peace and quiet. Look up, not by the Big Dipper or the Milky Way, but over there in the corner of the sky. See that small, twinkling you never noticed before?

One more thing before I go, thanks a lot for everything you did for me. Thanks for caring and sharing. Thanks for trying and crying. I love you lots. And Mom and Dad, "good bye", "good bye for just a little longer."

Love you
Tristan

Rest in Peace Mommy

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