Our Journey.....

January 2001, it was a cold, blistery, icy day in Oklahoma City, the day my future husband asked me to be his girl!!! March 31, 2006 was our wedding day.. We had decided that since we'd already been together for 5 years that we would immediately start trying for a baby. So in April that's what we did.. It took us 3 months and in July we were looking at a positive pregnancy test.. It was the 5th of July.. I remember thinking the 4th that I had to of been pregnant, as the beer just tasted horrible and I was wanting to sleep.. That pregnancy was not the easiest.. We started bleeding from the beginning, it was diagnosed a subchorionic hemorrhage.. It was a huge blood clot between the uterus and placenta.. Well fast forward to 12 weeks after getting off bed rest and having no more bleeding.. We had an ultrasound to find that our precious baby had passed on 3 weeks before.. I had what they called a missed abortion (you won't see me use this term as I HATE it..) So I had to schedule a d n c for the next day.. That morning around 4 am I woke up to severe pains and bleeding only to find out that my body had finally realized that it was miscarrying, so we got bumped up a few hours to do the d n c.. Our dr. sent the 'remains' off to the lab for genetic testing and he called a few weeks later to tell me that our baby was a healthy baby boy.. We named him Xavier Ahren. He was 9 weeks 5 days and our d n c was on 9/19/06.. We were told we could try after our first cycle, so we did, we got pregnant 4 months later, we were excited, yet nervous.. There was no bleeding and our number's were progressing well. Well at 5 weeks we had an u/s.. Nothing but a sac. We were told to come back 2 weeks later, at 7 weeks we went back and still there was only a sac, but a second sac was visible now too..The dr. thought he had seen a second sac at 5 weeks but we didn't think nothing of it.. We were told to come back in a week.. We went back at 8 weeks 3 days, still only a sac, that was starting to shrink, and the second sac completely gone.. We were diagnosed with a blighted ovum and decided to do a d n c right then instead of waiting.. We were devastated, again....We call this baby (well what should have been a baby) February, we needed closure.. well I needed closure) 4 months later, June 27, 2007 could it be? Yes it is, a big fat positive, I couldn't believe it, whoo-hoo we were pregnant again.. I was nervous as all get out, could barely stand myself I was so nervous. We had slight spotting at 5 weeks and went to the ER, only to be told we had a slight subchorionic hemorrhage, you can about guess my nerves shot straight through the roof, great here we go again.... I prepared myself to lose this baby too, but wait, it's 12 weeks and we're still pregnant, and there's a heartbeat?!?! Wow, 19 weeks and it's a BOY?!?! Is this for real? Is this really happening? We're going to be parents for real this time? Little did we know what God had in store for us....... January 21, 2008, Martin Luther King day, Monday, and the beginning of our 33rd week.. Everything started out great, Our little boy had woke me up at 5 am having a little kick-boxing tournament, this was the VERY FIRST time this had ever happened. I went about my morning, got on the computer, was fixing to start chatting with some girlfriends of mine, when I got the most oddest, most painful cramp I've ever gotten.. In all honesty I thought I had to go to the bathroom.. So I finished typing out what I had to say, and headed to the bathroom, the only thing was the pain was overwhelming, I was literally on my tip-toes.. (if I knew then what I know now, I would have just started pushing right then.... :( ) I sat down and hear a pop, gush....My first thought was Oh shit, my water just broke, I'm only 33 weeks, and we still have 7 weeks to go, ok, we can deal with NICU.. But then I look down.. The image I seen will forever haunt me, blood, and lots of it, I've never in all of my life seen so much blood as I did this day.. From here everything went down hill and FAST!! I stood up, grabbed some tissue and put it between my legs and ran to the living room, grabbed the phone, and called my husband, I was so scared, and deep inside, I knew he was gone...But I get a hold of him.. We talk he leaves work.. Well not thinking of the holiday it was I called my dr's office, no answer, I'm starting to feel faint and light headed, so I lay down on the floor, I called the ER and told them what was going on, all they could say is "why are you calling the er?" I just hung up.. Aaron called and was on the phone with 911 when he walked in the house.. He helped me to the living room couch where I laid down and was in so much pain, more pain than I ever imagined possible.. The paramedics showed up. finally.. Well apparently I got the pick of the day, 2 of the most ignorant, most hateful, degrading, pieces of crap people to come help us.. One was a rookie, and the other was a jerk.. The jerk asked me if I was pregnant? Duh, I'm 8 months freaking pregnant!! I'm huge!! He then says "Are you bleeding?" My reply was yes, his was well you miscarried......WHAT?!?! You're seriously going to tell a freaking 8 month pregnant woman that she just miscarried.. I already hated the idiot.. He then asks me if I can get up on my own and move to the gurney, sure I say, and as I do I throw up, he then thrust this bag in my face and say's "throw up in here not in my bus, I just cleaned it" they then proceed to wheel me out of my house, with no blanket on, just panties and a t-shirt.. I asked for my own blanket. Then they wheel me over the stepping stones instead of picking me up and carrying me, this hurt like you wouldn't believe the pain is still very vivid in my mind.. We'd already told them 2 times they've asked what hospital we were going to, twice, Women's and children's.. they get me in the ambulance, and pull out.. They didn't give me oxygen or anything except an iv. of saline.. I keep feeling the need to pass out, and gushes of blood coming out of me.. I told him that I felt like I was going to pass out, and he said there was nothing he could do, I was already laying down. So about this time I look out the window wondering why it's taking so long to get to my hospital, the idiots took me to the wrong hospital... . I keep feeling the need to close my eyes...just go to sleep.. Well they FINALLY get me to Women's and Children's, and upstairs to Labor and Delivery, where I coded, on the spot.. I remember the nurse checking me, and her saying that I was dialated 2 cm, and trying to find Tristan's heartbeat, it wasn't there.. I remember looking to Aaron and saying he's gone honey, my baby's gone, and Aaron, and the nurse both saying no he's probably hiding.. then I vaguely remember hearing Aaron say her eyes are rolling and the nurse saying Oh shit (as she hits the wall) and saying I need help in here.. (Later found out she called a code blue on me).. The next memories are in and out, and still comes back in flashes.. I remember waking in this room, very cold, and 2 people above my head, one woman on man, and I hear them saying we need to intibuate and start cpr, where is everyone at? I remember my dr. Dr. H standing next to me saying "Hi Shannon, it's me Dr. H and there's no fetal heart activity we need to operate immediately to find out where the bleed is before we lose you.. Then I felt him cut me, and everything went black.. The next thing I remember is waking up in the recovery room, looking up and seeing Aaron's face, and knowing that something was VERY wrong.. Then our social worker, Ms. Mary asked me if I would like to hold our son.....This was the first time I seen my little boy, he was gone, lifeless, but the most amazing creature I've ever seen, the most beautiful little boy.. Beings that I had a c section I had to stay in the hospital for a few days.. We were released, on Jan. 24, 2008 and it was hard leaving that hospital with only plants and a memory box full of Tristan's belongings, yet leaving him there.. This blog is full of the last 2 years and the years of battling infertility, and our journey to parent hood, if it's meant to be..

Thursday, December 24, 2009

Christmas time without you here......


Merry Christmas my sweet boy!!! I know mommy's a day early, but I don't know that I'll be able to be near the computer much tomorrow and of course I wanted to let you know that as always you're especially in my mind right now!!

I hurt for not only us, but for every mother and father, brother, sister, grandma, grandpa, aunt, uncle, and cousin that is missing their precious babies, and loved ones this Christmas.. This year like last has been a year of great loss. We lost 2 great men this year in our family alone, your Uncle James, and "uncle" Jimmy, both are very missed. But you my angel, you I miss most of all.. I hope that doesn't meant that I'm a heartless or bad person...

I want to say to all PARENTS of a lost baby/infant/ or child that I feel your pain, my heart aches with yours. And I would give anything to give your children back to you, as much as I would love to go to heaven and grab my children and bring them home.. I just wanted to say that I love you you all, that you are all strong men and women, because it takes a strong heart to go through what we have all gone through.

Many people tell us, oh I know how you feel because I lost my mom, grandma, etc.. It's not the same, I know I've lost my grandmother, uncle, best friend, great grandma, NOTHING compares to the loss of your child. Because in a parents mind, WE especially us mother's are supposed to protect our young, and when that child dies, we feel like we've failed on protecting our baby.. Now saying this is not to diminish any pain you feel for the loss of your loved one in any way, but please don't compare the 2, they're completely different..

Anyway, long winded as I can get, I just wanted to reach out and ((((((HUG))))))) all of you parents missing your sweet little ones this holiday season. May God bless you during this time and keep you safely tucked into His palms, protecting you all from heartache, words, and anyone that may not understand the pain you feel and say something beyond ignorant!!! Just know that I as a grieving mother, will be holding you up in prayer and love!!

Monday, December 21, 2009

23 months

Have come and gone since I've held your sweet little self.. I miss you so much son. Christmas is quickly approaching and it's the 2nd without you, I don't know how I've made it this far, but I know it's got to be Christ that's carried me.. I imagine that Christmas is spectacular up in Heaven, that spending this glorious day with Jesus on the day that He was born has to be the most wonderful sight there ever was..
Although mommy's a little selfish and would rather you be here, I know there is no greater place I could ever imagine you being. I love you so much with everything that I am..
I've had a hard time really getting into the spirit but I feel you near.. Know that you're thought of daily, and missed so terribly!!

With all our love my sweet dragonfly
Love you always
Mommy

Saturday, November 21, 2009

22 months since we've said hello, and good bye


It's almost Thanksgiving, and your grandparents will be in town (daddy's parents).. I'm looking forward to that, I love cooking and hosting, even if it does stress me a tad..

Today is weird, its' like you're crying from heaven it's been raining intermittent all day.. I don't like to think of you crying, I wonder though if you miss us... The weather is perfect for my mood though, bleak, and cold.. You've been gone for 22 months today, it seems so surreal.. Some days it seems as only yesterday and then days like today it seems years ago... I'm having a hard time dealing with the fact that your 2 year birthday is coming up, and you're not here.. There are no dragonflies today, but there's lots of little sparrow's and finches, singing outside the window, did you send them for me today, just to see me smile?

Do you feel my love in heaven? Sweetie I hope that Uncle Jimmy found you he's almost been gone a month now, and he will have lots of stories about your daddy I'm sure.. Please tell him we love him, and miss him and to stay close to his daughter as she really needs to feel him!! Just like mommy and daddy really need to feel you..



You know in reality I know that my son is not reading these pages, why do I continue to write like he is?!? I ask myself this all the time, maybe it's my way of letting him know that I'm here, I still miss him terribly.. I sit here in my new house and wonder if he would have loved it, would I have had trouble keeping him off of the stairs?!? I know he would have loved playing in the back yard that's for sure...

I am feeling a little down today, 22 months that we said hello/goodbye, and I still don't understand why us, why my Tristan?!? He was everything we wanted, dreamed of and longed for.. Now I find myself longing for my Rainbow after the storm, wondering if it's ever going to come, or did God forget about us?! I don't like to think that God has forgotten about us, but there are so many other's that he's answered their prayers and still we sit here, still we praise Him, and still we pray.....

Every one I know is having living healthy babies, why can't I?!?! What is so wrong with me?!? Is it because I'm fat? Is it because I am not a perfect house keeper? I'm not a "super" mom?!?!? Or am I just destined to be the 'cat' woman?!?! Either way, I'm so blissfully happy for everyone I know that's had their babies and is pregnant with their 2nd, or 3rd babies now, I just can't help to feel a little twinge of jealousy, for you see I want that so badly, I want to be awakened by a hungry or fussy baby at night?!? I want to comfort, love and hold my living healthy child.....

One day our miracle may come, one day our dreams may be fulfilled and prayers answered, but not this day, this day, I said hello and goodbye to the most perfect baby boy!!!

HAPPY 22ND MONTH HEAVENLY BIRTHDAY MY SON! WE MISS YOU TRISTAN!!

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

Missing him....

You know I haven't really allowed myself to just sit back and miss him in a long time, afraid of the pit reaching up and swallowing me again. But today I just really really miss my son. It's been almost 21 months, tomorrow will be 21 months, it's coming up on Halloween, everyone's talking about what their babies will be this year, and it hurts. I don't even have a pregnant belly to dream of next year. I hate allowing myself to feel this, but it's needed sometimes I guess. I hate feeling sorry for myself which seems that's all I've done for the last 21 months.

I still feel pangs of jealousy and hurt when I see a baby, especially when I see a 21 month old baby or I see a big ol pregnant belly. I still wonder at times why do they get to keep their baby and I don't. What's so wrong with me? Now I can't even get pregnant, what's wrong with me? I don't understand this and I really don't understand why me?!?!

I do tend to think and believe that God took Tristan so that I would be available for my mother and brother, but the selfish part of me wants to know why? Why was I robbed my baby and my glory for drama, and health problems? Why wasn't I allowed my baby?? There's mother's out there that obviously don't deserve their children yet they have healthy babies, and I did almost everything right and my baby boy died.

I feel bitter and angry, not all the time, but sometimes, especially when I see a teen mother, I don't know why but this makes me so sick and angry, that God thinks a teen would be a better mother than an adult woman with her life together, married and doing everything by His word??

I feel pathetic writing all this, that maybe I shouldn't have these feelings, but I'm human dammit and I want my chance to be a mother.. We are definitely not giving up although there are times that I just wish we could, but it's not in my blood to quit..This is our 2nd Halloween, Thanksgiving and Christmas without our Tristan. I dread January cause his 2nd birthday and there will be no joyous celebrations, no happy baby tearing open his gifts...

I'm open to ideas' for his birthday and am thinking so far (thanks to other mother's that's done this) taking all of my loss books and donating them to the hospital, but then what if I need them again? I hold on to them because of this thought, what if I lose another baby and need the books myself, but also a couple friends gave a few books, maybe I'll just hold on to the ones that were gifts, and put them away in hopes that one day I can donate them without having to have that thought of what if I lose another baby.

What else to do for his birthday, I know that I will be baking him his ribbon cake, this will be a tradition that I will not ever quit, and possibly a balloon release, but I've heard recently that releasing balloons is bad for the animals, ,so that makes me sad.. I will be planting his memorial garden hopefully in the spring, he will share with his siblings of course, those that I lost before him. How great does this sound, 3 pregnancies and 3 angels, I have no living children, I feel like a freak that belongs in a freak show, like I have something wrong with me, I'm broken, but my soul and faith is full.. My heart is healing although there's something always missing, and I'm totally NOT the same person I was 5 years ago, and am finding out that I will never again see that woman again, for she was a woman that never knew about loss this deep, never had a fleeting thought that I would lose my children, she was a naive, and gullable woman. Now the woman before you is shattered, hurt, and if you look at a broken mirror or glass that you've glued back together you will see me......

boy am I missing him....

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

A long time.....




It's been a long time since I've updated everyone on me, and my family or my emotional state!!
I'm actually doing MUCH better emotionally, the dreams still come from time to time and it's always that nasty one where the nurses are running with Tristan and he's crying, and I can't find him, I know it's the enemy putting that in my mind, but it still sucks!!

Lets see, you all know that my parents divorced, and that things were pretty nasty for a while and that he's getting married again to some skank, that literally smells of bo, like she never wears deoderant or something, but guess if it makes him happy I should be happy for him.. I really don't care....

My momma on the other hand hasn't had the best of times she had her first massive heartattack on August 7 2009 her lad kept clotting she had 3 blood clots in it at that time and she coded (died) 3 times on the table that night in cath lab. Then they get her home she's doing great until Sept. 11 she has another massive heartattack where her lad had clotted again and she coded twice on the table. She was in the hospital for a very long time this go around. She spent a few days in ICU then they transferred her to her own room she was there a day then the next morning started having severe chest pains again she was on her way to another massive MI, but they got her downstairs and into the cath lab rather quickly (thank God) where she had clotted again, so they decided to do a double bypass, it was scary, but she's home now and doing well..

My brother is doing great, we did an intervention on him and he's staying sober now!! Praise the Lord, cause only through Him is all the great happening.. He's going to AA meetings, and many other meetings to beat his alcoholism, I am so proud of him for doing this he really needs it and totally looks like a different man!!

My grandparents have moved down here off of the farm that my grandfather, aunts and father were born and raised on, it's weird really. They're living with my father and his "thing" she seems like the type to take over MY family ya know? It's really pissing me off but there's nothing I can do but pray about it!!

As for Aaron and I, we're doing great!! We bought our first home and I fall more and more in love with it every morning I wake up and see it's beautiful walls!! I am so happy for us that we're able to make this life change, and that we were able to do it,financially, emotinonally and all.. It was tough moving out of the apartment, only because a part of me a huge part of me felt like I was leaving my little Tristan behind, because that's where he died, but I know rationally that's not the case, he's with me everywhere I go, and I pray that this house brings us many many happy memories!!
About the house, omg it's awesome!!! It's a 1936 home 5 bedroom, 2 bath, beautiful!! The original double sideboard cast iron sink, the original Okeefe and Merritt stove (not working yet) but awesome!!! Hopefully all we're going to have to do is change out the gas valve and it will work.. They're saying (the previous owners) that there are 2 things to close together making the valve trip.... (shrugs shoulders) I have no idea.. I have a plumber coming to look at it today!! Yes a plumber because that's who the gas company says has to look at the gas lines in the house?!

Anyway let me see if I can toss a few pics in real quick!! Cause boxes upon boxes are calling my name they need to find their rightful homes!! Ok a few photo's were added and you can see 3 of the 4 kitties have settled nicely all 4 have actually but Ms. Raven was too busy hiding and playing and looking for cubby holes, she gave us quite the scare when we first moved in the first morning, she had found a crawl space and was spending quite the time inside the walls of the house!!! lol

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

Never ends......

There's so much that's been going on, and the feeling of missing my son is still so strong, it's the feeling that never ends, no matter what I do, or where I am, or how happy I am, I am still overshadowed by grief. I find myself wandering around aimlessly at times, just wondering what he would be like, who would he look like? I see pictures of babies his age and wonder why he couldn't have lived to, but then I remember that God needed a very special soul, and he chose our Tristan. I'm really beginning to wonder, if our 3 little angels were our only children, maybe God only chose us to be parents of angels, to provide him the most innocent of souls, untouched, unharmed, and very loved.. but still so unfair, to now live with a love so strong for a child that's not here, that I can't show that love to, I can't hug or kiss, I can't teach or learn from..

I find myself questioning me and the Lord at times, wondering how God works, I see all of the beautiful blessings that he's blessed us with, but am I being greedy? Am I truly wanting just too much? The Lord has blessed me and our family by not taking my momma home with him a few weeks ago when she had a massive heart-attack in her Left Anterior Descending Artery (LAD-aka-the widow maker) because of 3 major blood clots.. Praise Jesus (it could have ONLY BEEN HIM) that she survived, after dying 3 times, being shocked 3 times AND having MINIMAL damage to her heart!!! How awesome is that?? God also provided Aaron a job, after only being laid off for 2 weeks, God has opened up an opportunity for us to BUY OUR FIRST HOME!! And yet, I still feel a very large void, my son's.... I have a yearning to be a mother, the best mother a mother that raises her children in God's love, and His Hands....I want to hear the laughter, and feel the energy of children, a beautiful creation of what the Lord has brought together in Aaron and I.

I know that as a child of God I shouldn't question Him and His works, and I know that He does things in His time..

I mean the fact that we're buying our first home is Him and Him alone!!

I just miss my little boy so much, and I miss the life that I thought I should be having by now, I'm thinking though that we're taking a good ttc break, no temping, no stressing, just becoming one again, something is missing and we lost it when we lost our babies, and now we need to find one another again, and I plan on working on that as we get settled into a new home, new responsibilities and fresh set of eyes.... I will be going back to work, I don't know where yet, but plan on finding something as soon as we get moved, there's a beautiful historical section within walking distance from my new home, and there's an oyster bar, restaurants, bakeries, museums, I'm really excited.. But even through that excitement, there's the sadness and pain that never ends.

I wonder when people quit talking about Tristan, it's weird, it's like no body speaks his name hardly anymore.. It's like the unspeakable "sadness" Maybe that's what it is, maybe nobody speaks of him anymore because it hurts them to much? I don't know, but I seem to talk about him everyday, (if I can) Aaron and I both try..... We both still miss him so much.. It's the feeling that never ends....

Tuesday, July 21, 2009

18 months , 1 year 6 months

18 months ago this very hour you were in my arms, I was so sad, yet so elated to see who you looked like, so angry that God took you back, and so disgusted with myself that my body failed you. I think about what could/should and would have been. I look at your pictures and wonder what you would look like, would you look just like your daddy did as a toddler or would you look like me? I like to imagine all the things we would have done, but after a while of doing this, it starts to hurt so bad.

I can't honestly believe that a year and a half has passed, and so quickly, yet so slowly. One thing is for sure, although this has been the hardest year and half of my entire life, it's also been the most educating, and reflecting year and a half. I've made some wonderful friends through this very horribly sad loss. I am honored that these friends come to me when they need a comforting ear, or shoulder.. I just want to take every mother's pain away, no mother or father should feel this pain, it's the worst pain ever imaginable. And sadly I'm experiencing the second worst pain imaginable while dealing with unexplained secondary infertility. It's so unfair, to go from feeling growth and life inside of me to feeling the painful cramps of follicles growing on my ovaries.

I can't believe the time that has passed, even though I'm still empty from missing you, I'm fulfilled in Christs' love, and the passage way that he's leading us down. I know your daddy uses your memory and love to keep going, as does mommy. Son we miss you so much, if only we could reach into heaven and kiss your little nose, your cheeks, your eyes.... To smell your scent again (which I can do this if I go in the box of your belongings). That's all I have, when I get your outfit out (which is so rare now because of the pain) and hold it, it's like holding you again, because I know that your little body was in that outfit til 10 minutes before we left the hospital.. Leaving the hospital that day was the hardest thing to do without you in my arms.

I hear the stories daily of new parents going through a terrible loss of their child never fails to bring back those raw memories of the very beginning. An undescribable pain losing your child.. But once you enter this club, there's no turning back, there's so many unspoken words between us moms, all you have to do is say it's a bad day, and you've got a group of women there to pull you up.. I'm thankful for the women on babycenter's fullterm and infant loss thread, and the 2nd and 3rd trimester loss boards, Hope Floats, you're all amazing women who have helped pull me out of a pit that I really don't ever want to see the bottom of again. Granted, there are days that I might slip over the edge, but I never hit that bottom anymore...... Thank you for that.

My Sept/Oct angels girls have been by far my rock this last year and half, oh who am I kidding they've been my rock for the last 3 years, but they really stepped up and helped me through the worst year of my life. There they were with open arms and big hearts loving my son and my family more than even my real family has done.. They never stop me from talking about Tristan, they've never told me I had to or needed to get over it, and even though I might have not been the best friend the last 18 months, their friendships never faulted. They show that as I continue through the infertility now they're so supportive and so full of advice.

Today was a little tougher than I thought it would be. I started clomid on cd 5-9 today was the last day and we went in for a follicle scan, going to that u/s room was tough, seeing the screen I started to have a panic attack. The last u/s I had was 18 months ago in the hospital operating room when Dr. Hill told me there was no fetal heart activity. I vaugely remember them doing an u/s. I wasn't concious enough to see it or know when, but I know what dr. Hill told me after the u/s, then I felt that first cut and everything went black, those moments will forever run through my mind.. Could I have changed the outcome? If only I would have forced you out, you might be here today. I keep thinking if only I would have had an urge to push or if I would have just started pushing, could we have saved you? These thoughts torture my brain sometimes waking me out of a dead sleep to haunt me, I know it's the Devil trying to make me blame myself again, because he loves that type of decension. Well Satan I have to tell ya you're not going to win, because I'm going to promise you one thing I will be holding my son again in my arms one day, as I sit next to Jesus and hear of all the happy things Tristan has done.....

Tristan my baby, you're forever my first born son, even though you have 2 siblings before you in heaven, you were truly my first born. I miss you every second of every day. I would give absolutely anything to have changed everything. You were my every dream and hopes.. You're always my little dragonfly, every dragonfly I see from now on til the day I die will be my direct link to you. I love you my baby boy!

Thursday, July 9, 2009

TTC, wondering, and dreaming

Wow, it doesn't get easier does it? You say I'm not going to test early, and still you find your self staring longingly at those hpt's... Yearning for a bfp, you get your cup, pull your pants down and pee... Dip the stick, see a faint immediate shadowy line.. is it positive, is it negative? I don't know, could it be the dye? I don't know. I got a positive with Tristan with blue dye, but ever since then, I've gotten notorious false positives with blue dye tests.. I wonder if it's another false + as the day goes on and I test a couple more times and they're all stark white, wtf?? Ok, relax, it's only 9 dpo, maybe 8.... It's not over yet, the fat red lady hasn't shown her face yet!! So I will test again tomorrow, and if it's - then I will wait yes I know what you're thinking, yeah right, she couldn't even wait til 10 dpo, and she's already testing!! I drive myself crazy, but yes, if tomorrow's screams bfn, then I will NOT test again til Monday. If AF hasn't shown... Which leads me to say, my favorite site shut down, I wanted to visit today, but it was shut down, how sad, no more peeonastick.com, we will miss you!! I used to compare my tests all the time!! But thanks for a friendly reminder from a friends blog, there's still twoweekwait.com!! I'm off to visit that site soon...

If we don't get our bfp this cycle, which, I might just cry if we don't, 15 months is a long time!! We will move forward with clomid, IF our finances can afford the u/s's that dr. H will want to have me do.

Well we had a great visit with my inlaws, (they are the absolute best inlaws around) We went to Rockafeller for crabs Friday, Saturday we had a cook out and went and watched fireworks, Sunday we went out to Cypermont Point for some fishing, and then Monday mid morning they went home. Mom G had to work Tuesday.. I always enjoy their company!! I need to upload my photo's to photobucket than I will share with you guys!!

Sunday, June 21, 2009

17 months

I can't believe it's been 17 months since I held you in my arms, and kissed your little lips! Mommy misses you so badly! Today was father's day also, I think it was a little tough on daddy, even though he wouldn't admit it!! You kiddo will never be forgotten, and will always be missed, every single day for the rest of mommy and daddy's lifes..

You sweet boy are with the ultimate father though, HE can teach you all about us, so that when it's time to meet again, you will know all there is to know..

I still wonder from time to time what you would be doing right now, well I looked on babycenter today, and this is what it has to say for 17 months.....

http://www.babycenter.com/6_your-17-month-old_5927.bc?intcmp=timeline

Your 17-month-old


How your toddler's growing: She's becoming much easier to understand now that she often combines pointing with a word or two. And her growing independence is asserting itself in numerous ways: She can undress herself (dressing herself will come much later), brush her teeth without your help and feed her dolly. But you should continue to brush her teeth for her, until she truly masters the job.

She can sort things by color, shape, and type, which makes toys that encourage sorting particularly popular now. If "no" hasn't already become her favorite word, she'll begin using it with a vengeance. She's gradually easing toward one nap each day, which means this is a transition period that's potentially hard on both of you. If she's having trouble sleeping, try cuddling up with her for a few minutes to make it extra cozy.

How your life's changing: Toddlers are known for being finicky eaters, so save yourself some time and heartache by keeping meal preparation simple. But try to present a fairly good mix of foods on her plate at every meal. If you offer a variety of healthy options, chances are she'll get all the nutrition she needs — though it may mean she's eating her vegetables at one end of the day and grains at the other.

Parent tip: Get first-aid training "One of the best ways to keep your family safe is to take a CPR course. Call the local Red Cross to find out where the classes are being given in your area. I feel better now that I know what to do in case my daughter stops breathing." — Laura M.

Share your tips.


I wish with all my might that you were here so that I could experience all of these things with you.. I love you sweet angel, daddy loves you, give your brother and sister(just guessing) a kiss and hug from me.. I love you, and happy 17 month birthday, I really hope that you and Jesus had a good time today doing what ever it is you do, whether it's skipping rocks together, or rrwatching the waterfalls, thank you for watching over us, thank you for being our son.

God Thank you for everything, you are so amazing, Thank you for the time you gave to us with Tristan, and thank you Lord for never leaving my side, I am nothing without you Father.. You have carried me this far, and I know with everything in me that you will bless us with a growing family.. Father I love you..Happy Father's Day my father in heaven, the only father I've ever had, thank you for watching and keeping my Trisan close by.. Father just thank you for the many blessings you have placed in our hearts and lives..

Well as my eyes well up with tears, I must run, but before I do, I need and want to update you guys a little on our procedures mentioned in a previous post.
Our fsh, and thyroid (tsh) came back normal, our semen analysis came back normal and our hsg came back normal, it was really kinda cool to see my uterus, you could see just how anterior it is, and my left tube is straight as a board, while my right tube is curled up like it's supposed to be, funny thing, I always get pg out of my right tube!! or right ovary at least!! lol~~

Ok so that's that, and with that, I say good night, lots to do tomorrow,

Monday, June 15, 2009

A TTC update!!

Well we have officially been trying again for 15 months. I have seen many women who've lost their precious baby after we lost Tristan get pg again, some of which have lost their babies again, and have gotten pg again.. While I am beyond ecstatic for these women, a part of me is so jealous!! lol!! Who in the world would have ever thought that we would still be here ttc this long? We sure didn't, but now we have a small glimmer of hope.....
We did a semen analysis
FSH
TSH
and we're doing an HSG on Friday the 19th!! I can't wait, I really hope it pulls up some blockage, so that way I at least have something of an answer. Dr. H said depending on what the hsg looks like we'll do clomid!! Whoo hoo, we're finally getting somewhere!!

This is all I have for now, hopefully I will be updating soon, very soon with the results!!

Thursday, May 21, 2009

16 months


Hi Tristan buddy, it's been 16 months since you've been gone. You're missed daily and hourly sweet boy!! Your daddy and I love you so much. It's been a very long 16 months, but then some day's it seems like only yesterday. Mommy still at times gets phantom kicks ( I think it's more gas than anything, but boy does it feel like you used to). We're not the same, we're totally different, but we're more appreciative now, of life, of love, and of God.. We both believe that God brought you to us for only a short time, if only to bring us closer to Him, you've done amazing work in your daddy's and I life sweet angel. I won't lie, life would be much much brighter with you in it, but we know and believe that God has greater work for you! And maybe even greater work for daddy and I. We now see the light differently as we see the dark differently. I talk to you a lot, I wonder if you hear me. I do wonder what life would be like with you here, what you would be like. Would you look like your daddy still? Would you be talking up a storm? Would you be running? I often wonder what you would do or be like.. What foods would you like or dislike.. Would you have your daddy's unruly hair? Or my straight as a board fly away hair? Would you be a lefty or righty? What size clothes and shoes would you be wearing? Would you be a daddy's boy, or momma's boy? So many unanswered questions, and idea's... I miss you so very much... You should see your ficus tree, it's getting so big.. So is your brother's and yours peace lily.... It's sad you know, all I have left of you boys are plants, and memories.. But I would rather have the memories than nothing at all my sweet angel!! The memories of you keep me alive and keep my spirit alive!! You were the most special gift I could have ever wanted, and you will always be mommies special little man!!
Daddy and I miss you so much, and love you even more Tristan Alexander Goodwin!!
Loving you always
Mommy and Daddy!!
Happy 16 months sweet angel, continue to fly on the wings of dragonflies...

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

Psalm 13...A psalm of David 1-6

How long, O Lord? Will you forget me forever?
How long will you hide your face from me?
How long must I wrestle with my thoughts and every day have sorrow in my heart?
How long will my enemy triumph over me?

Look on me and answer, O Lord my God.
Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep in death;
My enemy will say, "I have overcome him,"
and my foes will rejoice when I fall.

But I trust in your unfailing love; my heart rejoices in your salvation.
I will sing to the Lord, for he has been good to me...


This says a lot, a lot of how I feel, and a lot of my love for Christ..

Trying to let go.....

So many thoughts are running through my mind right now.. We're coming up on 16 months since we lost our Tristan, I still find myself searching for him in my dreams, yearning for him in my daily routine, and just plain missing him like crazy. There are no words to describe the way that I've felt these last 16 months. I've been beyond sad, mad, angry and I'm starting to feel bitter.. I just don't for the life of me understand life sometimes. I know that it's in God's plan, and I do have to say, lately my faith is really being tested..

I truly believe that everything I mean everything happens for a reason, and we might not know that reason, but God knows. God has our definite plan all mapped out already, before we're even born. But I am only human who is not the best Christian, but I certainly try. I am a baby when it comes to my Christianity, and I want to learn more, and seek his guidance. I just don't know what I might be doing wrong. I know there is a greater plan, I just sometimes wish He would let me in on it.. I know that we should not worry, Matthew 6:25-34 states this..
Matthew 6:27 Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?
honestly? noone can, but I believe worrying can take an hour away, it's taken several of my hours with it, and still I've come up with no answers.

I'm worried, because I don't know how we will ever have a family. We don't have a nest egg, savings, or anything of the like. And I've found out (even though I don't have the full info yet) that our ins. will not be covering any of the further tests that I will need. I have to let go of my worry..
Matthew 6:33-34 But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. 34 Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.
There is always tomorrow, and always next month.. I guess it's time to be honest with myself, I worry about everything, from money to my fertility. I have no idea what's wrong with me. I'm completely broken, (emotionally anyway). I just want a family, yet I feel so small in the grand scheme of things. I guess a family should really be the last thing on our minds with the way the economy is going. But I just can't let go of my dreams, I really don't think God would want me to, but maybe he does want us to chill?!

Right now I am reading a couple of things, 'The Shack' by William P. Young, it's a book about tragedy confronting eternity, although it's fiction, I've heard great things about it being a wonderful spiritual journey.. I am also reading 1 Samuel in the Bible, the story about Hannah, I have no excuse, but I haven't started it yet, but from what Pastor Tommy was telling us Sunday, it's a beautiful blessing of a woman being blessed. You know reading this, I am reminded of my feelings for Tristan, 1 Samuel 27-28 I prayed for this child, and the Lord has granted me what I asked of him. So now I give him to the Lord. For his whole life he will be given over to the Lord. And he worshiped the Lord there. I did pray for Tristan, from way before conception til God called him home and even afterward. I will never stop praying for Tristan, or my other children, who are in heaven as well.

I'm not sad like I once was 16 months ago, now I'm getting angry, and mainly I'm angry at myself, why did my body want to fail on us? Doesn't my husband deserve better?! I pray nightly and daily for God to bless us with a baby. Maybe I'm praying wrong, or is the unthinkable happening? Has God turned away from me, have I sinned to much? I can't believe this, I believe our God is a forgiving and loving God, and I know that he's cradling my sons right now, and he's leading me and Aaron and he's asking us to trust in him. I have to let this go, but how? I have to relinquish control, but again don't know how.... I feel like there is something wrong and I can not pinpoint it... Thank you for reading, and understanding my pain, or at least just considering my pain, and holding us up in your prayers....

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

Here we go again......

Af is here, yet again, and the screwed up part about it? EVERYTHING was perfect!! Our bd schedule was perfect, my temps were perfect, everything was perfect, and another month, with no hope... Well I take that back it's not like there's completely no hope I guess I have some kind of hope since I have an appointment with the RE... Yeah but get this...AUGUST 6TH.. How will I ever make it? Guess I really have no choice, but hey hopefully we'll get some answers.. I just pray that this is fixable, whatever it is.. I just don't think that I can honest to God handle if the dr. tells me, We're sorry Mr. and Mrs. G. but there is absolutely no hope.... I don't want to hear those words. I truly believe they will send me over the edge. Hell I feel like I'm already tetering on the edge. I just can't understand or even wrap my mind around it. We've never had any issues getting pregnant, and now? Now it's been almost 13 months of ttc, and nothing.. I just feel like a complete failure as a woman. I just want to be a mother. Well I know that I'm a mother, but I want more, I want to be a mother to living children. Is that really too much to ask?! Have I been that horrible of a person that God doesn't see me fit? I'm working on myself in so many ways, I'm losing weight, eating healthy, been smoke free now for 13 months, and am so happily in love with my husband.. No my house isn't clean, laundry's piling up on the floor, what was supposed to have been Tristan's room is now a storage unit with a tiny walk way. My yard is full of leaves, there's cat food on the floor and dishes in the sink, is this why? I mean it can't be right? I know many slobs (related to a few) that have pig styes of a home and still have living children. Hell there are freaking crack heads that have more children than I've been pregnant, and the sad thing is they have custody of them. I'm not a druggie, I have a stable home, we have running water, electricity, cars, everything we need to make sure our child has a loving and stable enviroment to grow in. I want to teach my child, to love my child, to raise my child. I want to teach my child about their brother, I want to teach my child about Christ, and all that He has done for us. I want to teach my child how to say their abc's. I want to teach my child how to speak, write, ride a bike. Right now the way I see it, I will never be able to do this, ever.........

Tuesday, April 28, 2009

The Pit



The day my child died, I fell into the pit of grief. My friends watched me struggle through daily life, waiting for the person I once was to arise from the pit, not realizing "she" is gone forever.

The pit is full of darkness, heartache and despair, it paralyzes your thoughts, movements and ability to ration. The pit leaves you forever changed, unable to surface the person you once were.

Some of my pre-grief friends gather around the top of the pit, waiting for the old me to appear before their eyes, not understanding what's taking me so long to emerge. After all, in their eyes, I've been in the pit for quite sometime. Yet in my eyes, it seems as if I fell in only yesterday.

Not all of my pre-grief friends are gathered around the top of the pit. Some are helping me with the climb out of the darkness. They climb side by side with me from time to time, but mostly they climb ahead of me, waiting patiently at each plateau. Even with these friends I sometimes wonder if they are also waiting for the pre-grief me to magically appear before their eyes.

Then there are the casual acquaintances, you know the ones who say, "Hi, how are you?" when they really don't care or really want to know. These are the people who sigh in relief, that it is my child who died and not theirs. You know...the "better them, than me" attitude.

My post-grief friends (and a rare pre-grief friend) are the ones who climb with me, side by side, inch by inch, out of the pit with me. They are able to reassure me when I need reassurance, rest when I need resting, and encourage me to move forward when I don't have the strength. They have no expectations, no memories and no recollection of how I "should" be. They want me to get better, to smile more often and find joy in life, but they also accepted the person I've become. The "person" who is emerging from the pit

Author Unknown

Psalm88 1-18

O Lord, the God who saves me, day and night I cry out before you.
May my prayer come before you; turn your ear to my cry.
For my soul is full of trouble and my life draws near the grave.
I am counted among those who go down to the pit; I am like a man without strength.
I am set apart with the dead, like the slain who lie in the grave, whom you remember no more, who are cut off from your care.
You have put me in the lowest pit, in the darkest depths.
Your wrath lies heavily upon me; you have overwhelmed me with all your waves.
You have taken from me my closest friends and have made me repulsive to them. I am confined and cannot escape;
my eyes are dim with grief. I call to you, O Lord, every day; I spread out my hands to you.
Do you show your wonders to the dead? Do those who are dead rise up and praise you?
Is your love declared in the grave, your faithfulness in Destruction?
Are your wonders known in the place of darkness, or your righteous deeds in the land of oblivion?
But I cry to you for help, O Lord; in the morning my prayers comes before you.
Why, O Lord, do you reject me and hide your face from me?
From my youth I have been afflicted and close to death;
I have suffered your terrors and am in despair.
Your wrath has swept over me; your terrors have destroyed me.
All day long they surround me like a flood; they have completely engulfed me.
You have taken my companions and loved ones from me; the darkness is my closest friend.




I said a prayer and opened my Bible and this is what popped out at me, I read it, it felt like I was reading a page out of my own personal biography, the biography our Lord has written about me, so I thought that I would share with you....

Monday, April 27, 2009

Frodo.......a year later






Frodo, my little Frodio!! (in a sing song voice)
I love you, I've loved you since the moment you jumped into my arms 2 years ago, 9/16/06, and you left us 4/27/08, my sweet Frodo, you were the most awesome cat that I've ever had the honor of loving, knowing and taking care of. You know, you were the most awesome cat that I've ever seen anywhere, it's like you were a little human yourself, you had a very unique personality, and attitude. I still have your mice put up, and still think of all the hours we played fetch.. (although you've never met him, Jasper is so much like you it's uncanny)! You have been missed for 365 days, you have been loved longer.. I know that you're with Tristan, Xavier, February, and Beowulf (pretty bird), have fun with your family til the rest of us can join you guys.. I love you kittie!! My sweet little orange furball you!! My Frodio!!
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RIP MY FRODO.....ALWAYS WITH ME, I KNOW YOU ARE, I FEEL YOU!!

What's wrong with me???????

Seriously?! What the heck is wrong with me? I am freaking broken..... My body no longer works.... Is it because I'm so much overweight? Is it because we're not meant to be?? WHAT HAVE I DONE WRONG??? why can't I get pregnant anymore?

My son has been gone for 15 months 15 MONTHS!!! That's a long freaking time........We have now OFFICIALLY been trying (off and on more on than off, and even when we say we're not ttc, we still do....it just happens that way...) for 12 months..... My cycles have grown longer, I'm getting hot flashes, and my biggest fear is proving true.... The minute we got home from the hospital last year, and we were alone I told Aaron, I pray with everything that I have, that we don't have to worry about secondary infertility, and look, my stupid fat ass can't even get pregnant! I feel like such a failure as a woman, I can't even give my husband a child, much less a living son to carry on his name.. I know I know I know, you don't have to say it, I hear it a hundred or more times a week!! IT'S all in GOD'S time..... Today is the anniversary of my favorite cat's death,and here I am feeling sorry for my freaking self over infertility, I swear I think my future is me alone in a house with a million cats, the woman in the neighborhood all the kids are afraid of, the woman with all the cats......
That will be me, once Aaron wakes up and realizes that I'm broken, and leaves me for someone that can give him a son, someone that will help him carry on the name.... I know this is probably not going to happen, but I think that he would be so much happier if I could give him children... I just want to make both of our dreams come true, and I'm failing miserably.......what's wrong with me?????????

Sunday, April 12, 2009

EASTER


What is Easter? Easter to me is the time of Passover, the time that Jesus rose from the dead.
But this Easter is something more, this is the 2nd Easter without my Tristan. Last year my heart was ripping out of my chest, this year it's different, the pain is definitely different, it's not as ripping as it is settled, a pain so deep in my chest and stomach, a pain that's so final. Tears are on the very edge of the surface as though anything can set me off in a frenzy of tears.

Tristan, it was hard this year, this year you should have understood a visit from the Easter Bunny, but there were no Easter Bunnies here this year. No brightly fun made basket with your name on it, no toys, no candy, nothing Easter in the house this year. No family gathering, no egg hunt, no big Easter feast, just daddy, the kitties, a movie, a roast in the crockpot, and me. It's so darn quiet. The sky's just as gloomy as I. The tears from heaven are falling as I type this, I know that's not you because I know there is no pain or sorrow in heaven, I know that you don't miss mommy and daddy, cause you really don't even know that we're gone, but sweet baby boy, we miss you so much, much more than you or anyone out there could ever imagine. I miss seeing you grow into a toddler, I miss seeing you smile, and I long to hear the words I love you momma, come out of your mouth, but those are sweet words I will never hear from you. I hear them in my dreams though, and I know that's you saying it!!

Please be close to daddy always sweetie, I know he suffers so many fears and so much anxiety. Keep him in peace knowing you're near! Tell Jesus to please take extra good care of daddy, mommy is worried about him. I love you son. And your daddy really loves you, he misses you so much!!

Mommy just wanted to wish you a very Happy Easter, Mommy is going to light a candle for you today on your memorial site, and if anyone reading this feels led to light a candle for you, and to send you their love, they can find your memorial site here..

Tristan, I'm sure you've met sweet baby boy Jackson Paul Guilliot, baby show him the way around, and teach him how to use his wings sweetie, his daddy used to work with daddy, and I know they love him so very much. I know that they hurt for him, and we are all so very sorry for his mommy and daddy and hate that any other parent would have to feel this pain.. send their family lots of angel kisses sweet pea!!

we love you so very much
Happy Easter sweet baby
Mommy and Daddy

PS please give Frodo, Beowulf, and Harley many kisses from mommy and daddy!!

We love you angel!

Friday, April 10, 2009

A new journey

I just wanted to use this opportunity to introduce you to my other blog, that's right, I now have 2. I have had them for a while now. I title it the life of a stay at home wife, and continuing the journey of life being a stay at home wife. You never know what may come up! Like now I have some AMAZING new's to share!! I have only God to thank for guiding me in the right direction!!

Two really good things have happened the last few days!!
My best friend Amanda has asked me to be a part time nanny for her, While she works I will take care of her beautiful little girl!! H is the best kiddo I've been around in a while, she never ceases to amaze everyone around her, you will see me write a lot about this journey, and being around a little one, and the smiles and heartaches that may come with it, in my 2nd blog. Also in my second blog you will hear about another business journey I'm taking. I am so very excited to introduce you to your newest Independent Beauty Consultant for Mary Kay!! I can't wait to get my starter kit,and make new friends in the process of gaining financial success. All of these things will continue to be updated in my 2nd blog, instead of here. This blog is for my precious son, I will write normally only of him and our feelings about him, and of course his mommy and daddy's missing him. But I have a big feeling that a certain little boy, whispered in God's ear, to help mommy find the way she needed to go!!

I will enclose a link to my 2nd blog, I think if you click on the title of this blog it will even take you there, but just incase it don't, you can find it by clicking here.

Tuesday, March 24, 2009

My Granny

Prayers are needed for my Granny tonight, and tomorrow and for a while to come now. Last night, she was getting up to get my pa pa something and she fell and broke her hip. My brother and I were just talking this past weekend that we were worried about something like this happening, and look it did. I'm so sad for her and scared. From working in the nursing homes in my younger years, I know that her life will more than likely start going down hill from here. I hate thinking about that, but I'm no stranger to real life with the elderly, hence why I'm NO longer ever going to work in a nursing home again.

My granny is a strong and good woman, she's battled and won the fight with breast cancer, not once, but twice.. She's the woman that taught me to make chocolate chip cookies, she's the woman I begged (when I was 5) to bring her cows, and move into my bedroom.. I love my Granny, and even though it's been 3 years since I've seen them, I love them with all of my heart, she's an amazing woman. She used to sew like crazy, I remember every beginning of the school year, I would receive a box, and it would be full of clothes that she made for me..

So Tristan buddy watch over Great Granny M. as she goes into surgery tomorrow, and keep close to Great Papa, let him know you're near and drying his tears!! I love you sweet heart!!
Momma

Saturday, March 21, 2009

14 months




Wow, I really can't believe that 14 months ago I gave birth to the most precious little being!! It really doesn't seem as thought it's been so long, some day's seems still like yesterday, and some days' seem years ago! Do you hear me talking to you? I talk to you all the time! Do you hear me singing to you? I do that too! Do you feel me loving you? Cause there's not a second go by that I don't love you! But one thing I've tried letting go, and thinking I'm doing an ok job of it, is the grief!! I am always going to miss you, and wonder who and what you would be like, but I am not going to grieve you any more, I am going to let you and your brothers' and your kitty, and birdy play and I know that God said when we see you again it will only be as if you blinked your eyes, I believe that!! I know that the word also says' you feel no pain, sorrow, or hurt, so with that I am going to smile now, when I think about you.. I am going to laugh when I see your name,I will know that's your small way of saying hi mom! When a dragon fly passes I will say Hi buddy! My sweet dragon fly you're flying high!! Mommy loves you so very very much!!

Wednesday, March 18, 2009

Tristan's St. Patricks Bear






These are just a few pictures that I took on St. Patricks Day!! Tristan mommy always thinks of you every day, and will always share every holiday with you!! I love you and daddy loves you so much!!
Love you always
Mommy

Smallest Wingless by Craig Cardiff

Smallest Wingless Lyrics

PLEASE CLICK ON THE TITLE OF THE BLOG TO HEAR THE SONG, IT'S SO BEAUTIFUL, THIS SONG IS THE RINGTONE ON MY CELL,AND EVERY TIME I HEAR IT MAKES ME THINK OF OUR TRISTAN!!

Monday, March 16, 2009

a dream......



Last night I had the best dream I've ever had!

I was on all fours praying, when the sky parts and Jesus' hands come down, and Tristan is in His palms, and He brings Tristan to me, and Tristan kissed me on my cheek, I woke up still feeling that kiss. It was so real!!! I still feel that kiss!!


This is the first dream I've had like that!! Thank you for coming to visit, I've really needed to see you!!

Sunday, March 15, 2009

Plan of Salvation

Thank you Tristan, thank you for sending us to church today, we got the very powerful message, and mommy can't thank you enough!!
We had a guest speaker today at church and the message he brought with him was so amazing, and really spoke to daddy and I.

This is him:

Pastor Wendell McGowan, pastors River City Church in Redding, California with his wife of 37 years, Lauretta. Pastor McGowan is a dynamic and fiery, yet compassionate preacher of the Word of God. Wendell has the heart of a Father with an evangelistic thrust. Although he walks in a diversity of gifts, he operates mainly in a prophetic anointing. God has also used him in spiritual warfare, and in the laying on of hands for healing. One word that best describes Wendell is PASSION. He has a passion about everything he does. We believe God is using Wendell to help mend a net for the end time harvest.

Click here for full Biography


Just an amazing service today, he had daddy lay his hand on mommy's womb today, while he prayed over us, and son, thank you for allowing us to let you rest, and move forward, thank you for the time we had you!!


I know that now I have to let you go, I will never forget, BUT it's time to allow the grief to leave. Thank you Jesus, for showing me confirmation.














Plan of Salvation

The following scriptures from the Holy Bible will help you to understand God's desire for every person.

Romans 3:23

For all have sinned, and come short of the glory of God;

Romans 6:23

For the wages of sin is death; but the gift of God is eternal life through Jesus Christ our Lord.


Ephesians 2:8

For by grace are ye saved through faith; and that not of yourselves: it is the gift of God:

1 John 1:9

If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins, and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.


Romans 10:9

That if thou shalt confess with thy mouth the Lord Jesus, and shalt believe in thine heart that God hath raised him from the dead, thou shalt be saved.


Romans 10:10

For with the heart man believeth unto righteousness; and with the mouth confession is made unto salvation.


Acts 4:12

Neither is there salvation in any other: for there is none other name under heaven given among men, whereby we must be saved.

Revelation 3:20

Behold, I stand at the door, and knock: if any man hear my voice, and open the door, I will come in to him, and will sup with him, and he with me.

John 3:16

For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life.


Mark 16:16

He that believeth and is baptized shall be saved; but he that believeth not shall be damned.


Acts 16:31

And they said, Believe on the Lord Jesus Christ, and thou shalt be saved, and thy house.

Acts 4:12

Neither is there salvation in any other: for there is none other name under heaven given among men, whereby we must be saved.

Acts 2:21

And it shall come to pass, that whosoever shall call on the name of the Lord shall be saved.

John 3:17

For God sent not his Son into the world to condemn the world; but that the world through him might be saved.

John 3:18

He that believeth on him is not condemned: but he that believeth not is condemned already, because he hath not believed in the name of the only begotten Son of God.

Sunday, March 8, 2009




Now I lay me down to sleep, I pray the Lord my tears to keep.
My baby sleeps in Heaven's arms, peaceful with angelic charm.
Lord, take my tears, but grant me a kiss, but grant me a kiss
from the angel baby I so miss.....

found on lafemmebonita.com

I fell in love with it!!

Wednesday, March 4, 2009

Tristan,
HI buddy, God sweetheart, I just want to hold you so badly in my arms. To hug your neck, and kiss your cheek would just be heavenly.. I miss you so badly tonight, well every day and night really, but tonight, as I sit here listening to the music I picked out for your blog, I just want to hold you.. I want to be your mommy still, that's all I have ever wanted. I picture you running up to me with your arms held up, saying mommy lub eww, something that I will never get to hear.. I see Harley growing, and I know you're only 6 months behind, but I see all of her milestones, and know that I will never experience that with you. I want to see you put your arms around your daddy's neck as you play. God Tristan mommy loves you so much, I miss you terribly.. I still don't understand why you? It's still not fair, and I still want and need you here, but I have accepted and moved on from the thought of actually having you back, I know that's not going to happen, and I know too, that you've never really left me, not really, your still around, I do feel you close to my heart.. Even though there's a huge Tristan sized hole there and it aches every single day for you. I know that you're at peace, and I'm at peace knowing that, but the selfish part of me is still so strong.. I know that I will see and hold and kiss your cheek again.
Missing you always, and LOVING you more
Mommy
♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥

It's been almost 14 months since we lost our son, and every single day of the last 13.5 months has been the biggest challenge of our lives. So many things have happened in the past 13.5 months it's almost silly really. But on a good note things are starting to look up for us, I mean A was only laid off for 2 weeks, and he since has a job, even though it was a pay cut, but we've also got 2 vehicles now, and I have the option of going back to work. I've been seriously debating this as I know I need the freedom from my grief as well as my house, and my couch, there is a permanent butt imprint on my couch from sitting in the same spot day after day for the last 13.5 months. I have gotten out, which I really need to write about that in my other blog. I still battle the sleepless nights, I stay awake online all night, til at least midnight the latest was 3, it's ridiculous, but I deal. My house has suffered though, although I'm slowly getting it caught up!! We've also found a beautiful church home!! I'm so excited about that!

Wow I can't believe after 2 months of no crying I broke down like I did tonight, I think everyone's great and wonderful news around me, the children's milestones, the births, the new pregnancies, the new words, why can't I have any of that? I just feel so overwhelmed with emotions right now, a lot of confusion, and a little jealousy. I can't believe that we've also been trying to have another baby for a year, and nothing, not even one pregnancy. I'm really beginning to wonder if this silence of the "womb" is the answer to the many many prayers I've prayed, is this the sign I've been searching for? Am I not intended to be an earthly mother? I just wish HE would let me know a definite sign..something that won't make me question it.

How long do we continue to try before giving up? We've been going at this for what 3 years next month? And all we have are 3 angels to show for it. I pray every night that God would bless us with a family. I'm getting close to my breaking point. You know I can accept that some people just aren't meant to be parents, maybe we fit that category.

Yes I am feeling a little sorry for myself I'm sorry, it happens sometimes. I just want to be a mother to a living child so badly, and don't know what the heck I'm doing wrong. I guess I'm a little emotional for a few reasons. I'm about to start my period, which just goes to show another failed month... and A isn't exactly putting out lately... so I'm feeling a tad bit on the worthless side tonight...

Monday, February 16, 2009

My Love!!

Hi my angel, mommy loves you sweet boy!! Day's have been so different I've been a lot brighter. I think of you and smile. I remember those days' of you kicking, and hiccuping, I am so grateful for the time that mommy got with you, we got to bond in a way that no one else did. I felt your every move. I love you so very much. You were very wanted sweet heart, I don't want you to ever forget that and how much you were wanted. I find peace now. I Find peace in knowing that you are resting in Jesus' hands, and that you and Jesus are watching over daddy and I, and that when we are missing you (which is every second of every day) we know that all we have to do is look up to heaven and know that you are safe and secure in His love. And when the warmth of the sunshine kisses my cheek, I envision that being the warmth of your baby kisses.. when the dragon-fly's follow us, that's really you following us, when the birds chirp, that's you playing with them, and when the wind blows, that's you flying near.

We visited a new church yesterday, we visited, and felt right at home and led to be there. The pastor of this church is Pastor Tommy Faulk, he is the pastor that did your memorial service, and he made mommy and daddy so proud, he talked about you just like he knew you, and loved you, and son, a love like that is the love of God.. I knew then that I wanted to visit the church, if only to say thank you, only God knew that He had led us into that building yesterday to worship, and praise Him!! And son, yesterday I thanked him again for you, I thank him every chance I get for you, because Tristan, even though you're not here buddy, I know that you are a true blessing to us. I love you sweetie.. I love you so much, and I miss you every day..

You know there are still day's that I feel guilty for feeling so good, but I think that's going to happen for a long time, it's really weird, if I don't think about being happy then it don't bother me, but if I sit there and think about it, like wow it's been a while since I've cried, then I start feeling a bit guilty! I know it's silly, but I think the more I become accustomed to this new me, that's it's normal grief. Because even after a year, I still grieve for my Tristan, he was my every dream..

Friday, January 30, 2009

always

Good morning Tristan, mommy just wanted to stop by and write to you, to tell you I always miss you! I always love you! and I will always keep your memory alive!! I will always talk about you, and I will always treasure your memory!!

I will always teach your brother and sister's about you. I will always keep you with us.

I just wanted to let you know that even though I've been in a happier place, and I am so ready to move forward and feel the happiness, peacefulness, and calmness, does not mean you're forgotten, or will ever be. I will always write to you and about you in this blog, and all your sites! I will forever and always love my precious boy!! Your daddy will always love and treasure you too!

Daddy and I want you to know that as things move on, and we become stronger, we will always talk to you, we always will carry our little dragon-fly with us.

We love you sweet-heart!! Mommy made another blog, the basic life of a stay at home wife, our journey to parent-hood and beyond. We hope that you carry us with you, through this, and that you will always watch over us!! I hope that we always make you proud, and happy. We love you Tristan.

Love you forever, always, and never letting go,
Mommy and Daddy.

always

Good morning Tristan, mommy just wanted to stop by and write to you, to tell you I always miss you! I always love you! and I will always keep your memory alive!! I will always talk about you, and I will always treasure your memory!!

I will always teach your brother and sister's about you. I will always keep you with us.

I just wanted to let you know that even though I've been in a happier place, and I am so ready to move forward and feel the happiness, peacefulness, and calmness, does not mean you're forgotten, or will ever be. I will always write to you and about you in this blog, and all your sites! I will forever and always love my precious boy!! Your daddy will always love and treasure you too!

Daddy and I want you to know that as things move on, and we become stronger, we will always talk to you, we always will carry our little dragon-fly with us.

We love you sweet-heart!! Mommy made another blog, the basic life of a stay at home wife, our journey to parent-hood and beyond. We hope that you carry us with you, through this, and that you will always watch over us!! I hope that we always make you proud, and happy. We love you Tristan.

Love you forever, always, and never letting go,
Mommy and Daddy.

Wednesday, January 21, 2009

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MY SWEET ANGEL!!





Tristan,
One year ago today you were born way to soon in the most traumatic way and you were gone. I remember that day like it were yesterday, and I NEVER imagined that I would have made it. I had my doubts that daddy and I wouldn't make it, and we did, we made it through the hardest year of our entire lives. A lot of this year went by in a blur, of sadness, and raw grief.. Today we revisited those ghosts of last year, we took 2 cakes to the hospital along with some balloons.. 13 to be exact, but 1 decided to pop in the truck!! It was funny actually cause we had just discussed how many we were going to get, 12 for the number of months that he's been gone, and one for friends far and well far!! (From as far north as Canada to as far south as Florida, from the West coast to the east coast and in between.) Well because I'm not the biggest fan of odd numbers, (I know I'm weird)I bought 14 balloons. Well 1 popped so like Aaron said, guess our little man really wanted 13!! LoL!! I hope you enjoyed the balloons and the little bear!! We love you so much, and we've missed you so badly this year, and son, we will continue to miss you always! What I wouldn't give to give you birthday kisses myself, but I hope you caught the kisses mommy and daddy sent to you and send to you all the time!! Baby, I don't know how we made it, but we did, and we are so proud to be your parents, and we will always keep your memory alive sweetie! Daddy and I promise you that!! Your brother's and sister's (IF we're blessed) will know about you, we will celebrate your birthday every year with balloons and cake!! We love you sweetie, Rest well and know that one day mommy will hold you again, and I envision that feeling of you in my arms again! I love you son. Please stay close to daddy and I, always!!
Love Mommy <3 <3 <3 <3 xoxoxo

Our Social worker, Ms. Mary, released the balloons with us, She is the sweetest and most loving woman that I could have ever asked for taking care of Tristan. She was so gentle and caring.. She definatly made an impact on Aaron and I's loss. I baked 2 cakes both the same, white cakes filled with bavarian cream, I made the awareness ribbons, with Tristan's photo in the center of the ribbon, and a plaque made out of white chocolate. We gave one to the antenatal nurses, and to the social workers. They all LOVED it.. After we released the balloons and visited with Ms. Mary a bit, we had a date at Olive Garden, where we were able to talk, and it was a wonderful talk, we talked about this last year, and where we are in our grief. We talked about the strength our marriage has gained for making it through this most challenging time. As other bereaved parents will tell you, the loss of your baby/child, is very straining on a marriage. Sadly Not all make it, I really thought ours was doomed after loosing Tristan, because I've always had a track record where nothing good ever stays around,. But my record changed with Aaron.. And I give all the glory to God!!

I wonder now if things will be easier, if I won't fall into the pit as much. Will I finally be able to move on? I'm ready to move on and feel the sunshine again. I want to feel free, of the pain, but not the memories. I know that I will still have hard times, but I pray that God will continue to carry me through the tough times! I am looking forward to starting my "new" year, I know that I will probably never like January, but I pray I don't always shut down during the month as I did this year..

I am looking forward to becoming more organized, both financially, and household wise!! I'm ready to clean out the nursery, and get it ready for a hopeful future rainbow baby! I presently have it as a storage room!!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MY SWEET ANGEL!!





Tristan,
One year ago today you were born way to soon in the most traumatic way and you were gone. I remember that day like it were yesterday, and I NEVER imagined that I would have made it. I had my doubts that daddy and I wouldn't make it, and we did, we made it through the hardest year of our entire lives. A lot of this year went by in a blur, of sadness, and raw grief.. Today we revisited those ghosts of last year, we took 2 cakes to the hospital along with some balloons.. 13 to be exact, but 1 decided to pop in the truck!! It was funny actually cause we had just discussed how many we were going to get, 12 for the number of months that he's been gone, and one for friends far and well far!! (From as far north as Canada to as far south as Florida, from the West coast to the east coast and in between.) Well because I'm not the biggest fan of odd numbers, (I know I'm weird)I bought 14 balloons. Well 1 popped so like Aaron said, guess our little man really wanted 13!! LoL!! I hope you enjoyed the balloons and the little bear!! We love you so much, and we've missed you so badly this year, and son, we will continue to miss you always! What I wouldn't give to give you birthday kisses myself, but I hope you caught the kisses mommy and daddy sent to you and send to you all the time!! Baby, I don't know how we made it, but we did, and we are so proud to be your parents, and we will always keep your memory alive sweetie! Daddy and I promise you that!! Your brother's and sister's (IF we're blessed) will know about you, we will celebrate your birthday every year with balloons and cake!! We love you sweetie, Rest well and know that one day mommy will hold you again, and I envision that feeling of you in my arms again! I love you son. Please stay close to daddy and I, always!!
Love Mommy <3 <3 <3 <3 xoxoxo

Our Social worker, Ms. Mary, released the balloons with us, She is the sweetest and most loving woman that I could have ever asked for taking care of Tristan. She was so gentle and caring.. She definatly made an impact on Aaron and I's loss. I baked 2 cakes both the same, white cakes filled with bavarian cream, I made the awareness ribbons, with Tristan's photo in the center of the ribbon, and a plaque made out of white chocolate. We gave one to the antenatal nurses, and to the social workers. They all LOVED it.. After we released the balloons and visited with Ms. Mary a bit, we had a date at Olive Garden, where we were able to talk, and it was a wonderful talk, we talked about this last year, and where we are in our grief. We talked about the strength our marriage has gained for making it through this most challenging time. As other bereaved parents will tell you, the loss of your baby/child, is very straining on a marriage. Sadly Not all make it, I really thought ours was doomed after loosing Tristan, because I've always had a track record where nothing good ever stays around,. But my record changed with Aaron.. And I give all the glory to God!!

I wonder now if things will be easier, if I won't fall into the pit as much. Will I finally be able to move on? I'm ready to move on and feel the sunshine again. I want to feel free, of the pain, but not the memories. I know that I will still have hard times, but I pray that God will continue to carry me through the tough times! I am looking forward to starting my "new" year, I know that I will probably never like January, but I pray I don't always shut down during the month as I did this year..

I am looking forward to becoming more organized, both financially, and household wise!! I'm ready to clean out the nursery, and get it ready for a hopeful future rainbow baby! I presently have it as a storage room!!

Thursday, January 15, 2009

Why does the pain seem so fresh and new? Why does it seem I lost you only yesterday when in all truth you've been gone now for 11 months and 25 days... I hurt so bad. My heart feels like there's an anvil just sitting on it. I have been doing well in my grief, I've been seeing the sunshine (this don't mean I felt it). I just can't shake this feeling, this drowning feeling.. I don't know how to explain it. I feel like someone has ripped my soul into. I know that God is carrying me through this, but there are times that I feel alone. All I've ever wanted in life was love and children. I have always had this dream that I would be a better mom than I had, and my husband would be a better dad than I had. Our chances seem like they keep getting taken away and it's not fair.
Why does the pain seem so fresh and new? Why does it seem I lost you only yesterday when in all truth you've been gone now for 11 months and 25 days... I hurt so bad. My heart feels like there's an anvil just sitting on it. I have been doing well in my grief, I've been seeing the sunshine (this don't mean I felt it). I just can't shake this feeling, this drowning feeling.. I don't know how to explain it. I feel like someone has ripped my soul into. I know that God is carrying me through this, but there are times that I feel alone. All I've ever wanted in life was love and children. I have always had this dream that I would be a better mom than I had, and my husband would be a better dad than I had. Our chances seem like they keep getting taken away and it's not fair.

Wednesday, January 14, 2009

i miss you terribly......

Hi sweet angel I can't believe it, you're almost a year old!! I can't picture you at a year, I still see that sweet little 4 lb baby boy they placed in my arms.. I love you my son...

I'm sorry I had to cancel your party, this is the one day that I had hoped that certain people could put differences aside and cope, but nope they couldn't, I couldn't chose which one of your grammy or grandpa could be there, I shouldn't have to, so I canceled, I'm not going to be the one responsible for hurt feelings, I can deal with my own barely..
I'm sorry that I don't get to kiss your little cheeks, I'm sorry I didn't get to see any of your firsts.... I love you so much, I'm pretty much nothing without you. I really haven't been me at all. I hurt constantly. I have no motivation, no drive, and here I am on a year coming in a week, one week from today to be exact..I still wake, and lay in bed wondering why bother getting out of bed.. But yet I make myself get out of bed, and come to the computer, where I have actual contact with the outside world. I fear I might be becoming some thing of a hermit. I really like being in my house. I hate it outside, out there it looks all bright and happy, when my heart is still dark and deep mourning. Just goes to show that everyone's world went on without you, and everyone expects mommy to move on with them, yet it's hard cause it feels like I'm leaving you in the distance, you're out of reach. I just want to reach out to you again, pull you closer to me. I just need the world to slow down. I can't keep up. I don't have the energy.
I don't do much of anything anymore, I barely post on any of my boards, I barely pay attention to tv. I just look and stare at your pictures, and wonder where in the world has this year gone? I sit here and feel like it took me with it.
You are everything. You are the most beautiful child in my heart and in my eyes. (of course mommy is a bit biased). I know that I will never get the answers as to why, but I know that you're ok. I really believe that NOW! I know that you are in good and loving hands.. I love you son.. Right now mommies having a hard time seeing through the tears so I will continue my letter to you tomorrow my love..
Give your brother's, Frodo, and Beowulf mommy and daddy's love,
kiss grandmaGoodwin, grandpa Goodwin, mawmaw Henley, great granny Henley, grandpa Warner. Tell cousin Louis to visit his momma, she really misses him!! Give everyone there in heaven our love sweetie, I wish I could kiss you good night, but I hope you catch the kisses daddy and I send to heaven.

Loving you more than there are stars in the sky
Love,
Mommy

Rest in Peace Mommy

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