Our Journey.....

January 2001, it was a cold, blistery, icy day in Oklahoma City, the day my future husband asked me to be his girl!!! March 31, 2006 was our wedding day.. We had decided that since we'd already been together for 5 years that we would immediately start trying for a baby. So in April that's what we did.. It took us 3 months and in July we were looking at a positive pregnancy test.. It was the 5th of July.. I remember thinking the 4th that I had to of been pregnant, as the beer just tasted horrible and I was wanting to sleep.. That pregnancy was not the easiest.. We started bleeding from the beginning, it was diagnosed a subchorionic hemorrhage.. It was a huge blood clot between the uterus and placenta.. Well fast forward to 12 weeks after getting off bed rest and having no more bleeding.. We had an ultrasound to find that our precious baby had passed on 3 weeks before.. I had what they called a missed abortion (you won't see me use this term as I HATE it..) So I had to schedule a d n c for the next day.. That morning around 4 am I woke up to severe pains and bleeding only to find out that my body had finally realized that it was miscarrying, so we got bumped up a few hours to do the d n c.. Our dr. sent the 'remains' off to the lab for genetic testing and he called a few weeks later to tell me that our baby was a healthy baby boy.. We named him Xavier Ahren. He was 9 weeks 5 days and our d n c was on 9/19/06.. We were told we could try after our first cycle, so we did, we got pregnant 4 months later, we were excited, yet nervous.. There was no bleeding and our number's were progressing well. Well at 5 weeks we had an u/s.. Nothing but a sac. We were told to come back 2 weeks later, at 7 weeks we went back and still there was only a sac, but a second sac was visible now too..The dr. thought he had seen a second sac at 5 weeks but we didn't think nothing of it.. We were told to come back in a week.. We went back at 8 weeks 3 days, still only a sac, that was starting to shrink, and the second sac completely gone.. We were diagnosed with a blighted ovum and decided to do a d n c right then instead of waiting.. We were devastated, again....We call this baby (well what should have been a baby) February, we needed closure.. well I needed closure) 4 months later, June 27, 2007 could it be? Yes it is, a big fat positive, I couldn't believe it, whoo-hoo we were pregnant again.. I was nervous as all get out, could barely stand myself I was so nervous. We had slight spotting at 5 weeks and went to the ER, only to be told we had a slight subchorionic hemorrhage, you can about guess my nerves shot straight through the roof, great here we go again.... I prepared myself to lose this baby too, but wait, it's 12 weeks and we're still pregnant, and there's a heartbeat?!?! Wow, 19 weeks and it's a BOY?!?! Is this for real? Is this really happening? We're going to be parents for real this time? Little did we know what God had in store for us....... January 21, 2008, Martin Luther King day, Monday, and the beginning of our 33rd week.. Everything started out great, Our little boy had woke me up at 5 am having a little kick-boxing tournament, this was the VERY FIRST time this had ever happened. I went about my morning, got on the computer, was fixing to start chatting with some girlfriends of mine, when I got the most oddest, most painful cramp I've ever gotten.. In all honesty I thought I had to go to the bathroom.. So I finished typing out what I had to say, and headed to the bathroom, the only thing was the pain was overwhelming, I was literally on my tip-toes.. (if I knew then what I know now, I would have just started pushing right then.... :( ) I sat down and hear a pop, gush....My first thought was Oh shit, my water just broke, I'm only 33 weeks, and we still have 7 weeks to go, ok, we can deal with NICU.. But then I look down.. The image I seen will forever haunt me, blood, and lots of it, I've never in all of my life seen so much blood as I did this day.. From here everything went down hill and FAST!! I stood up, grabbed some tissue and put it between my legs and ran to the living room, grabbed the phone, and called my husband, I was so scared, and deep inside, I knew he was gone...But I get a hold of him.. We talk he leaves work.. Well not thinking of the holiday it was I called my dr's office, no answer, I'm starting to feel faint and light headed, so I lay down on the floor, I called the ER and told them what was going on, all they could say is "why are you calling the er?" I just hung up.. Aaron called and was on the phone with 911 when he walked in the house.. He helped me to the living room couch where I laid down and was in so much pain, more pain than I ever imagined possible.. The paramedics showed up. finally.. Well apparently I got the pick of the day, 2 of the most ignorant, most hateful, degrading, pieces of crap people to come help us.. One was a rookie, and the other was a jerk.. The jerk asked me if I was pregnant? Duh, I'm 8 months freaking pregnant!! I'm huge!! He then says "Are you bleeding?" My reply was yes, his was well you miscarried......WHAT?!?! You're seriously going to tell a freaking 8 month pregnant woman that she just miscarried.. I already hated the idiot.. He then asks me if I can get up on my own and move to the gurney, sure I say, and as I do I throw up, he then thrust this bag in my face and say's "throw up in here not in my bus, I just cleaned it" they then proceed to wheel me out of my house, with no blanket on, just panties and a t-shirt.. I asked for my own blanket. Then they wheel me over the stepping stones instead of picking me up and carrying me, this hurt like you wouldn't believe the pain is still very vivid in my mind.. We'd already told them 2 times they've asked what hospital we were going to, twice, Women's and children's.. they get me in the ambulance, and pull out.. They didn't give me oxygen or anything except an iv. of saline.. I keep feeling the need to pass out, and gushes of blood coming out of me.. I told him that I felt like I was going to pass out, and he said there was nothing he could do, I was already laying down. So about this time I look out the window wondering why it's taking so long to get to my hospital, the idiots took me to the wrong hospital... . I keep feeling the need to close my eyes...just go to sleep.. Well they FINALLY get me to Women's and Children's, and upstairs to Labor and Delivery, where I coded, on the spot.. I remember the nurse checking me, and her saying that I was dialated 2 cm, and trying to find Tristan's heartbeat, it wasn't there.. I remember looking to Aaron and saying he's gone honey, my baby's gone, and Aaron, and the nurse both saying no he's probably hiding.. then I vaguely remember hearing Aaron say her eyes are rolling and the nurse saying Oh shit (as she hits the wall) and saying I need help in here.. (Later found out she called a code blue on me).. The next memories are in and out, and still comes back in flashes.. I remember waking in this room, very cold, and 2 people above my head, one woman on man, and I hear them saying we need to intibuate and start cpr, where is everyone at? I remember my dr. Dr. H standing next to me saying "Hi Shannon, it's me Dr. H and there's no fetal heart activity we need to operate immediately to find out where the bleed is before we lose you.. Then I felt him cut me, and everything went black.. The next thing I remember is waking up in the recovery room, looking up and seeing Aaron's face, and knowing that something was VERY wrong.. Then our social worker, Ms. Mary asked me if I would like to hold our son.....This was the first time I seen my little boy, he was gone, lifeless, but the most amazing creature I've ever seen, the most beautiful little boy.. Beings that I had a c section I had to stay in the hospital for a few days.. We were released, on Jan. 24, 2008 and it was hard leaving that hospital with only plants and a memory box full of Tristan's belongings, yet leaving him there.. This blog is full of the last 2 years and the years of battling infertility, and our journey to parent hood, if it's meant to be..

Monday, November 24, 2008

Feeling lost

I've felt lost these last few weeks, I couldn't put my thoughts out on the screen, I can't sleep.. I've been dealing with tons of headaches, and personally I think they're from the insomnia, and tension, I've been really oh what's the word, anticipating, there we go, I've been really anticipating the upcoming holiday's. I do hope that what they say is true, that the anticipation is the worst.. I hate that my little guy isn't here, even if he'd of been born on time in March, I was prepared that Tristan would be old enough to eat mash potato's, green beans, some turkey, I think he would have been just like his daddy, and eaten a little of everything. I was so anxious for the day after Thanksgiving to see his little eye's light up when we brought the tree out and started putting up all the pretty lights, except now, my house is in disarray, I have no motivation, and no want...

This year is weird on so many levels, my son is gone that's the worst. My parents are seperated and divorcing, so this Thanksgiving is really different, I won't be spending it with my family like we do every year, so instead of having my whole family over for dinner because I'm the traditional host of Thanksgiving dinner, only my mom and little brother will be coming over, yes I succumbed to still be the host, I want to continue living, but another part of me really really just wants to stay in bed, under the covers.. I will do my cooking, usually by now, I've got cookies done etc. I have NOTHING but the shopping done.. I hate this..

Now what am I thankful for? I'm so very thankful that God has allowed me to live and that he didn't take me and our son away from my husband. I'm thankful the Good Lord has blessed me with a wonderful loving husband, I'm thankful that He has supplied us with our basic needs, and a roof over our head. I'm very thankful that God has given me stability..

I'm sad for many reason's too, so does that counteract the thankfulness? I'd like to think no, but my mind isn't always sane in thinking.....
I'm sad my son is dead, I'm sad that my parents are getting a divorce, I'm sad that my father would rather spend Thanksgiving with his girlfriend, (or as he told me once his "new" family) rather than his kids.. I'm sad that my husband is dealing with so much anxiety. I'm sad that I can't sleep, I'm sad that I have headaches every day along with back pain and tension. I'm sad that instead of celebrating Thanksgiving with a 10 month old little boy, I'm celebrating another Thanksgiving with no children...
I'm sad that my bird is fallen ill, and will probably not make it through the end of the week. I will be very blessed and thankful if he does, he's only 8!!

Tristan, I love you so very much, your daddy and I think of you often, infact Creed's arms wide open, we have the hardest time listening to that song now, it has such different meaning to us. You were our everything son, you were our dreams. There isn't a day go by without you in our hearts. I hate that we can't spend this time with you, I hate that I have to send kisses to heaven instead of planting them on you myself. I would give anything to just hold you in my arms again, to see your daddy hold you. That kills me, I NEVER got to see you in your daddy's arms, except once, and that was the final time we got to say goodbye, I had such a hard time touching you you were freezing cold, you had been in the freezer, but we kissed your beautiful cold lips, and that my son is the only time I seen your daddy hold you, even though he was the first to hold you, I didn't get to see that because the dr's were working on saving mommy... I know you're close, we feel you in our spirits we feel you in our hearts.. You Tristan will forever be our first born, and we will NEVER allow anyone to forget you.. We will teach your brother's and sister's about you from the very beginning.. We know we have a special little angel in you watching over us.. We will forever love you sweet heart..
Love you forever,
mommy and daddy..

1 comment:

Never forgetting Gregory said...

I'm so sorry. These holidays are going to be so rough. I'm sorry you don't get to have your little boy to celebrate. I know you are thankful for things in your life but it is understandable to lose sight of that through the pain. I feel the same way. I'm sorry you have so much loss to deal with. I hope the pain isn't as severe as we are all expecting it to be. Hugs.

Rest in Peace Mommy