Our Journey.....

January 2001, it was a cold, blistery, icy day in Oklahoma City, the day my future husband asked me to be his girl!!! March 31, 2006 was our wedding day.. We had decided that since we'd already been together for 5 years that we would immediately start trying for a baby. So in April that's what we did.. It took us 3 months and in July we were looking at a positive pregnancy test.. It was the 5th of July.. I remember thinking the 4th that I had to of been pregnant, as the beer just tasted horrible and I was wanting to sleep.. That pregnancy was not the easiest.. We started bleeding from the beginning, it was diagnosed a subchorionic hemorrhage.. It was a huge blood clot between the uterus and placenta.. Well fast forward to 12 weeks after getting off bed rest and having no more bleeding.. We had an ultrasound to find that our precious baby had passed on 3 weeks before.. I had what they called a missed abortion (you won't see me use this term as I HATE it..) So I had to schedule a d n c for the next day.. That morning around 4 am I woke up to severe pains and bleeding only to find out that my body had finally realized that it was miscarrying, so we got bumped up a few hours to do the d n c.. Our dr. sent the 'remains' off to the lab for genetic testing and he called a few weeks later to tell me that our baby was a healthy baby boy.. We named him Xavier Ahren. He was 9 weeks 5 days and our d n c was on 9/19/06.. We were told we could try after our first cycle, so we did, we got pregnant 4 months later, we were excited, yet nervous.. There was no bleeding and our number's were progressing well. Well at 5 weeks we had an u/s.. Nothing but a sac. We were told to come back 2 weeks later, at 7 weeks we went back and still there was only a sac, but a second sac was visible now too..The dr. thought he had seen a second sac at 5 weeks but we didn't think nothing of it.. We were told to come back in a week.. We went back at 8 weeks 3 days, still only a sac, that was starting to shrink, and the second sac completely gone.. We were diagnosed with a blighted ovum and decided to do a d n c right then instead of waiting.. We were devastated, again....We call this baby (well what should have been a baby) February, we needed closure.. well I needed closure) 4 months later, June 27, 2007 could it be? Yes it is, a big fat positive, I couldn't believe it, whoo-hoo we were pregnant again.. I was nervous as all get out, could barely stand myself I was so nervous. We had slight spotting at 5 weeks and went to the ER, only to be told we had a slight subchorionic hemorrhage, you can about guess my nerves shot straight through the roof, great here we go again.... I prepared myself to lose this baby too, but wait, it's 12 weeks and we're still pregnant, and there's a heartbeat?!?! Wow, 19 weeks and it's a BOY?!?! Is this for real? Is this really happening? We're going to be parents for real this time? Little did we know what God had in store for us....... January 21, 2008, Martin Luther King day, Monday, and the beginning of our 33rd week.. Everything started out great, Our little boy had woke me up at 5 am having a little kick-boxing tournament, this was the VERY FIRST time this had ever happened. I went about my morning, got on the computer, was fixing to start chatting with some girlfriends of mine, when I got the most oddest, most painful cramp I've ever gotten.. In all honesty I thought I had to go to the bathroom.. So I finished typing out what I had to say, and headed to the bathroom, the only thing was the pain was overwhelming, I was literally on my tip-toes.. (if I knew then what I know now, I would have just started pushing right then.... :( ) I sat down and hear a pop, gush....My first thought was Oh shit, my water just broke, I'm only 33 weeks, and we still have 7 weeks to go, ok, we can deal with NICU.. But then I look down.. The image I seen will forever haunt me, blood, and lots of it, I've never in all of my life seen so much blood as I did this day.. From here everything went down hill and FAST!! I stood up, grabbed some tissue and put it between my legs and ran to the living room, grabbed the phone, and called my husband, I was so scared, and deep inside, I knew he was gone...But I get a hold of him.. We talk he leaves work.. Well not thinking of the holiday it was I called my dr's office, no answer, I'm starting to feel faint and light headed, so I lay down on the floor, I called the ER and told them what was going on, all they could say is "why are you calling the er?" I just hung up.. Aaron called and was on the phone with 911 when he walked in the house.. He helped me to the living room couch where I laid down and was in so much pain, more pain than I ever imagined possible.. The paramedics showed up. finally.. Well apparently I got the pick of the day, 2 of the most ignorant, most hateful, degrading, pieces of crap people to come help us.. One was a rookie, and the other was a jerk.. The jerk asked me if I was pregnant? Duh, I'm 8 months freaking pregnant!! I'm huge!! He then says "Are you bleeding?" My reply was yes, his was well you miscarried......WHAT?!?! You're seriously going to tell a freaking 8 month pregnant woman that she just miscarried.. I already hated the idiot.. He then asks me if I can get up on my own and move to the gurney, sure I say, and as I do I throw up, he then thrust this bag in my face and say's "throw up in here not in my bus, I just cleaned it" they then proceed to wheel me out of my house, with no blanket on, just panties and a t-shirt.. I asked for my own blanket. Then they wheel me over the stepping stones instead of picking me up and carrying me, this hurt like you wouldn't believe the pain is still very vivid in my mind.. We'd already told them 2 times they've asked what hospital we were going to, twice, Women's and children's.. they get me in the ambulance, and pull out.. They didn't give me oxygen or anything except an iv. of saline.. I keep feeling the need to pass out, and gushes of blood coming out of me.. I told him that I felt like I was going to pass out, and he said there was nothing he could do, I was already laying down. So about this time I look out the window wondering why it's taking so long to get to my hospital, the idiots took me to the wrong hospital... . I keep feeling the need to close my eyes...just go to sleep.. Well they FINALLY get me to Women's and Children's, and upstairs to Labor and Delivery, where I coded, on the spot.. I remember the nurse checking me, and her saying that I was dialated 2 cm, and trying to find Tristan's heartbeat, it wasn't there.. I remember looking to Aaron and saying he's gone honey, my baby's gone, and Aaron, and the nurse both saying no he's probably hiding.. then I vaguely remember hearing Aaron say her eyes are rolling and the nurse saying Oh shit (as she hits the wall) and saying I need help in here.. (Later found out she called a code blue on me).. The next memories are in and out, and still comes back in flashes.. I remember waking in this room, very cold, and 2 people above my head, one woman on man, and I hear them saying we need to intibuate and start cpr, where is everyone at? I remember my dr. Dr. H standing next to me saying "Hi Shannon, it's me Dr. H and there's no fetal heart activity we need to operate immediately to find out where the bleed is before we lose you.. Then I felt him cut me, and everything went black.. The next thing I remember is waking up in the recovery room, looking up and seeing Aaron's face, and knowing that something was VERY wrong.. Then our social worker, Ms. Mary asked me if I would like to hold our son.....This was the first time I seen my little boy, he was gone, lifeless, but the most amazing creature I've ever seen, the most beautiful little boy.. Beings that I had a c section I had to stay in the hospital for a few days.. We were released, on Jan. 24, 2008 and it was hard leaving that hospital with only plants and a memory box full of Tristan's belongings, yet leaving him there.. This blog is full of the last 2 years and the years of battling infertility, and our journey to parent hood, if it's meant to be..

Friday, November 28, 2008

One down 2 to go...

Holiday's that is, I've been anticipating this time of the year since the beginning of last year...Yesterday (Thanksgiving) was wonderful, but also very hard too, the whole day, I felt as though someone was missing, and they were, my son, my dad too, but honestly I missed Tristan more than dad!! We mom, bro, Hubby, and I had a very nice time, My dinner consisted of Turkey perfectly stuffed and roasted, mashed potato casserole,giblet gravy, green bean casserole, beets, candied asparagus, yams, and rolls, my relish tray consisted of pickles 3 different assortments, sweet, dill, and bread and butter, we had pickled okra, black, and 2 kinds of green olives, jellied cranberry, deviled eggs, a wonderful pasta salad, fruit salad and pumpkin pie. We watched House all day as it was the House Thanksgiving Marathon, a HUGE and WONDERFUL break from the normal holiday football... Mom, bro and I played Uno attack, and it was a blast, funny and frustrating that game is!! We all stuffed ourselves, as is normal holiday feast tradition!! It was also a nice distraction, but sadly every hour on the hour I would silently think of what I was doing that time last year, what I was feeling, the tumbles, the bloops, the faint feel of hiccups, the sheer exhaustion (I was falling asleep in a dinner chair last year), this year I had a little more energy.. I had remembered telling Hubby when I was cooking dinner last year, Tristan will be tasting this next year. And this year, I wasn't feeding Tristan this year, but I was thinking of him all day!! I didn't cry, surprisingly..

Christmas is next, I'm thinking about putting away all harvest decorations and bring out Christmas decorations tomorrow while Husband is hunting..This will be hard, I've got Tristan and Frodo and even Beowulf stockings in my Christmas stuff, it's going to be tough.. I just have to push through this, and just do it, it's one step closer to healthy healing!! Knowing and finding comfort that my precious boy is resting in Jesus' arms and that I will be rejoining him one day!!! And who knows maybe little Tristan and his brother's, and our wonderful loved ones that have passed, including our pets, will see us and see our decorations for them this holiday season from Heaven! I find comfort in that thought, even if it's not true!

New Years is next 2008 will be over and it will be 2009, wow a whole year that I was just numbly living through is over, will I continue to feel numb, or will a spark come back? Will we be blessed, or will we continue to have more heartache? A new beginning is what we think every new year is, but when tragedy strikes in the beginning of that New Year, what are you to do? I welcome the end of this last year to come, but I too dread for..............

20 days later, I will be celebrating and mourning the best and worst day of my life.. Some will ask, how can the day that you gave birth to a dead baby be any part of the best day of your life, would not your wedding day be the best day of your life? You're right, my wedding day was the best day of my life, as I joined my life with my soul mate, my best friend, and my love.. But January 21, 2008 at 1:37 my son entered this world, albeit, he was not breathing and his heart was not beating, I met a beautiful baby.. I was so happy to have known him for 8 months 33 weeks when I got a + test I was in love, my love deepend the day I held him in my arms... It was the most horrid day of my life, because I knew that my Husband and I were not bringing our beautiful son home..... He was gone.. Jesus called him home to be with Him...

One down 2 to go...

Holiday's that is, I've been anticipating this time of the year since the beginning of last year...Yesterday (Thanksgiving) was wonderful, but also very hard too, the whole day, I felt as though someone was missing, and they were, my son, my dad too, but honestly I missed Tristan more than dad!! We mom, bro, Hubby, and I had a very nice time, My dinner consisted of Turkey perfectly stuffed and roasted, mashed potato casserole,giblet gravy, green bean casserole, beets, candied asparagus, yams, and rolls, my relish tray consisted of pickles 3 different assortments, sweet, dill, and bread and butter, we had pickled okra, black, and 2 kinds of green olives, jellied cranberry, deviled eggs, a wonderful pasta salad, fruit salad and pumpkin pie. We watched House all day as it was the House Thanksgiving Marathon, a HUGE and WONDERFUL break from the normal holiday football... Mom, bro and I played Uno attack, and it was a blast, funny and frustrating that game is!! We all stuffed ourselves, as is normal holiday feast tradition!! It was also a nice distraction, but sadly every hour on the hour I would silently think of what I was doing that time last year, what I was feeling, the tumbles, the bloops, the faint feel of hiccups, the sheer exhaustion (I was falling asleep in a dinner chair last year), this year I had a little more energy.. I had remembered telling Hubby when I was cooking dinner last year, Tristan will be tasting this next year. And this year, I wasn't feeding Tristan this year, but I was thinking of him all day!! I didn't cry, surprisingly..

Christmas is next, I'm thinking about putting away all harvest decorations and bring out Christmas decorations tomorrow while Husband is hunting..This will be hard, I've got Tristan and Frodo and even Beowulf stockings in my Christmas stuff, it's going to be tough.. I just have to push through this, and just do it, it's one step closer to healthy healing!! Knowing and finding comfort that my precious boy is resting in Jesus' arms and that I will be rejoining him one day!!! And who knows maybe little Tristan and his brother's, and our wonderful loved ones that have passed, including our pets, will see us and see our decorations for them this holiday season from Heaven! I find comfort in that thought, even if it's not true!

New Years is next 2008 will be over and it will be 2009, wow a whole year that I was just numbly living through is over, will I continue to feel numb, or will a spark come back? Will we be blessed, or will we continue to have more heartache? A new beginning is what we think every new year is, but when tragedy strikes in the beginning of that New Year, what are you to do? I welcome the end of this last year to come, but I too dread for..............

20 days later, I will be celebrating and mourning the best and worst day of my life.. Some will ask, how can the day that you gave birth to a dead baby be any part of the best day of your life, would not your wedding day be the best day of your life? You're right, my wedding day was the best day of my life, as I joined my life with my soul mate, my best friend, and my love.. But January 21, 2008 at 1:37 my son entered this world, albeit, he was not breathing and his heart was not beating, I met a beautiful baby.. I was so happy to have known him for 8 months 33 weeks when I got a + test I was in love, my love deepend the day I held him in my arms... It was the most horrid day of my life, because I knew that my Husband and I were not bringing our beautiful son home..... He was gone.. Jesus called him home to be with Him...

Tuesday, November 25, 2008

Tristan..


Today, I seen a blog that I would read they are To write their names in the sand, they are a couple in Australia that write baby's names in the sand, they too know and understand us as bereaved parents feel.. So I'm going to share with you, my beautiful Tristan's name in the sand, all the way across the continents in Australia, it's beautiful!!!


http://namesinthesand.blogspot.com/2008/11/tristan-alexander-goodwin.html

Tristan..


Today, I seen a blog that I would read they are To write their names in the sand, they are a couple in Australia that write baby's names in the sand, they too know and understand us as bereaved parents feel.. So I'm going to share with you, my beautiful Tristan's name in the sand, all the way across the continents in Australia, it's beautiful!!!


http://namesinthesand.blogspot.com/2008/11/tristan-alexander-goodwin.html

When will the year end?

Man the words are really pouring out of me now, the feelings the emotions... I have yet to take my meds today, mainly cause I want to feel this, I need to feel this. I miss my son, I miss my cat, I miss my bird, I miss my parents marriage, I miss the people my husband and I were on Jan. 1 2008. We were so happy, only 2 more months and we should had been meeting our son, instead God had different plants for only 20 days later we met him, he came into this world sleeping... We buried him on Jan. 27, 2008, 3 months later in April, April 19 to be exact my brother attempted suicide,April 27, 3 months to the day of Tristan's funeral, Frodo, our precious little cat died, June 16, my mother and father get into their final fight, my mother's arm is broken, their getting a divorce, Today, we woke up to our budgie, our parakeet, our sweet and LOUD Beowulf.... gone......when does it end, also this year, we've dealt with immense grief, to the point it's causing my wonderful and loving husband to have severe anxiety......... I just want a break, and everyone wonders why I have such headaches, such a weight gain get out and exercise they say. You need to get out more, why in the hell did this entire year have to be so damned hard?? Why can't the pain lesson, why is when the pain does start lessoning why does something else have to come up to make that pain so raw again? What have we done to deserve this?? I can't stand it, I just want to climb up on my roof and scream to the heavens ENOUGH IS ENOUGH!!! I've suffered enough Father, I'm on my knees begging for relief please stop this pain!!! Please please stop taking everyone, and every loved pet from me!!!

I'm sorry for my crazy ramblings, I just can't for the life of me understand what is going on, and why do I feel like my little family here is being picked on?? This has been one of the worst years of my life!! My 2 years of marriage has endured a lot we've been put through some tough tests!! I hope this indicates a part of our future you know the security, and stability part of our future, we have certainly made it through some times that would seperate some couples.......

I just do know that something has to give, I pray nightly that the Lord will hold us always....

When will the year end?

Man the words are really pouring out of me now, the feelings the emotions... I have yet to take my meds today, mainly cause I want to feel this, I need to feel this. I miss my son, I miss my cat, I miss my bird, I miss my parents marriage, I miss the people my husband and I were on Jan. 1 2008. We were so happy, only 2 more months and we should had been meeting our son, instead God had different plants for only 20 days later we met him, he came into this world sleeping... We buried him on Jan. 27, 2008, 3 months later in April, April 19 to be exact my brother attempted suicide,April 27, 3 months to the day of Tristan's funeral, Frodo, our precious little cat died, June 16, my mother and father get into their final fight, my mother's arm is broken, their getting a divorce, Today, we woke up to our budgie, our parakeet, our sweet and LOUD Beowulf.... gone......when does it end, also this year, we've dealt with immense grief, to the point it's causing my wonderful and loving husband to have severe anxiety......... I just want a break, and everyone wonders why I have such headaches, such a weight gain get out and exercise they say. You need to get out more, why in the hell did this entire year have to be so damned hard?? Why can't the pain lesson, why is when the pain does start lessoning why does something else have to come up to make that pain so raw again? What have we done to deserve this?? I can't stand it, I just want to climb up on my roof and scream to the heavens ENOUGH IS ENOUGH!!! I've suffered enough Father, I'm on my knees begging for relief please stop this pain!!! Please please stop taking everyone, and every loved pet from me!!!

I'm sorry for my crazy ramblings, I just can't for the life of me understand what is going on, and why do I feel like my little family here is being picked on?? This has been one of the worst years of my life!! My 2 years of marriage has endured a lot we've been put through some tough tests!! I hope this indicates a part of our future you know the security, and stability part of our future, we have certainly made it through some times that would seperate some couples.......

I just do know that something has to give, I pray nightly that the Lord will hold us always....

Beowulf the Budgie






A perfect bird, he was so awesome, he passed away this morning sometime in the early hours.... He was so amazing and did things that most parakeets don't do. He surpassed so many obstacles. He was awesome!! He was beautiful!! He was 8 years old. A parakeet has a normal life expectancy of 8-10 years, so he fulfilled his lifespan. We had hoped for longer time with him. But I know now he's flying so high, he isn't flying in circles anymore, yes he flew in circles!! And never was graceful at landing, lol.. He would headbang to Metallica, when OU played he tried so hard to whistle the fightsong with me, he would get so excited... When he wanted more millet he would let ya know in not such a happy voice.. He was the most beautiful blue!! He would talk to us, told us he was a pretty bird.. Tell us he loved us.. Gave us kisses.. Beowulf was special, he will and was the most awesome bird ever!! I've never had a bird before him, and will probably be the only bird I own,(don't know yet) we will forever love our budgie boy!!

Beowulf we love you sweet budgie, you're our pretty boy today, and forever!!

Beowulf the Budgie






A perfect bird, he was so awesome, he passed away this morning sometime in the early hours.... He was so amazing and did things that most parakeets don't do. He surpassed so many obstacles. He was awesome!! He was beautiful!! He was 8 years old. A parakeet has a normal life expectancy of 8-10 years, so he fulfilled his lifespan. We had hoped for longer time with him. But I know now he's flying so high, he isn't flying in circles anymore, yes he flew in circles!! And never was graceful at landing, lol.. He would headbang to Metallica, when OU played he tried so hard to whistle the fightsong with me, he would get so excited... When he wanted more millet he would let ya know in not such a happy voice.. He was the most beautiful blue!! He would talk to us, told us he was a pretty bird.. Tell us he loved us.. Gave us kisses.. Beowulf was special, he will and was the most awesome bird ever!! I've never had a bird before him, and will probably be the only bird I own,(don't know yet) we will forever love our budgie boy!!

Beowulf we love you sweet budgie, you're our pretty boy today, and forever!!

Monday, November 24, 2008

Feeling lost


I've felt lost these last few weeks, I couldn't put my thoughts out on the screen, I can't sleep.. I've been dealing with tons of headaches, and personally I think they're from the insomnia, and tension, I've been really oh what's the word, anticipating, there we go, I've been really anticipating the upcoming holiday's. I do hope that what they say is true, that the anticipation is the worst.. I hate that my little guy isn't here, even if he'd of been born on time in March, I was prepared that Tristan would be old enough to eat mash potato's, green beans, some turkey, I think he would have been just like his daddy, and eaten a little of everything. I was so anxious for the day after Thanksgiving to see his little eye's light up when we brought the tree out and started putting up all the pretty lights, except now, my house is in disarray, I have no motivation, and no want...

This year is weird on so many levels, my son is gone that's the worst. My parents are seperated and divorcing, so this Thanksgiving is really different, I won't be spending it with my family like we do every year, so instead of having my whole family over for dinner because I'm the traditional host of Thanksgiving dinner, only my mom and little brother will be coming over, yes I succumbed to still be the host, I want to continue living, but another part of me really really just wants to stay in bed, under the covers.. I will do my cooking, usually by now, I've got cookies done etc. I have NOTHING but the shopping done.. I hate this..

Now what am I thankful for? I'm so very thankful that God has allowed me to live and that he didn't take me and our son away from my husband. I'm thankful the Good Lord has blessed me with a wonderful loving husband, I'm thankful that He has supplied us with our basic needs, and a roof over our head. I'm very thankful that God has given me stability..

I'm sad for many reason's too, so does that counteract the thankfulness? I'd like to think no, but my mind isn't always sane in thinking.....
I'm sad my son is dead, I'm sad that my parents are getting a divorce, I'm sad that my father would rather spend Thanksgiving with his girlfriend, (or as he told me once his "new" family) rather than his kids.. I'm sad that my husband is dealing with so much anxiety. I'm sad that I can't sleep, I'm sad that I have headaches every day along with back pain and tension. I'm sad that instead of celebrating Thanksgiving with a 10 month old little boy, I'm celebrating another Thanksgiving with no children...
I'm sad that my bird is fallen ill, and will probably not make it through the end of the week. I will be very blessed and thankful if he does, he's only 8!!


Tristan, I love you so very much, your daddy and I think of you often, infact Creed's arms wide open, we have the hardest time listening to that song now, it has such different meaning to us. You were our everything son, you were our dreams. There isn't a day go by without you in our hearts. I hate that we can't spend this time with you, I hate that I have to send kisses to heaven instead of planting them on you myself. I would give anything to just hold you in my arms again, to see your daddy hold you. That kills me, I NEVER got to see you in your daddy's arms, except once, and that was the final time we got to say goodbye, I had such a hard time touching you you were freezing cold, you had been in the freezer, but we kissed your beautiful cold lips, and that my son is the only time I seen your daddy hold you, even though he was the first to hold you, I didn't get to see that because the dr's were working on saving mommy... I know you're close, we feel you in our spirits we feel you in our hearts.. You Tristan will forever be our first born, and we will NEVER allow anyone to forget you.. We will teach your brother's and sister's about you from the very beginning.. We know we have a special little angel in you watching over us.. We will forever love you sweet heart..
Love you forever,
mommy and daddy..

Feeling lost


I've felt lost these last few weeks, I couldn't put my thoughts out on the screen, I can't sleep.. I've been dealing with tons of headaches, and personally I think they're from the insomnia, and tension, I've been really oh what's the word, anticipating, there we go, I've been really anticipating the upcoming holiday's. I do hope that what they say is true, that the anticipation is the worst.. I hate that my little guy isn't here, even if he'd of been born on time in March, I was prepared that Tristan would be old enough to eat mash potato's, green beans, some turkey, I think he would have been just like his daddy, and eaten a little of everything. I was so anxious for the day after Thanksgiving to see his little eye's light up when we brought the tree out and started putting up all the pretty lights, except now, my house is in disarray, I have no motivation, and no want...

This year is weird on so many levels, my son is gone that's the worst. My parents are seperated and divorcing, so this Thanksgiving is really different, I won't be spending it with my family like we do every year, so instead of having my whole family over for dinner because I'm the traditional host of Thanksgiving dinner, only my mom and little brother will be coming over, yes I succumbed to still be the host, I want to continue living, but another part of me really really just wants to stay in bed, under the covers.. I will do my cooking, usually by now, I've got cookies done etc. I have NOTHING but the shopping done.. I hate this..

Now what am I thankful for? I'm so very thankful that God has allowed me to live and that he didn't take me and our son away from my husband. I'm thankful the Good Lord has blessed me with a wonderful loving husband, I'm thankful that He has supplied us with our basic needs, and a roof over our head. I'm very thankful that God has given me stability..

I'm sad for many reason's too, so does that counteract the thankfulness? I'd like to think no, but my mind isn't always sane in thinking.....
I'm sad my son is dead, I'm sad that my parents are getting a divorce, I'm sad that my father would rather spend Thanksgiving with his girlfriend, (or as he told me once his "new" family) rather than his kids.. I'm sad that my husband is dealing with so much anxiety. I'm sad that I can't sleep, I'm sad that I have headaches every day along with back pain and tension. I'm sad that instead of celebrating Thanksgiving with a 10 month old little boy, I'm celebrating another Thanksgiving with no children...
I'm sad that my bird is fallen ill, and will probably not make it through the end of the week. I will be very blessed and thankful if he does, he's only 8!!


Tristan, I love you so very much, your daddy and I think of you often, infact Creed's arms wide open, we have the hardest time listening to that song now, it has such different meaning to us. You were our everything son, you were our dreams. There isn't a day go by without you in our hearts. I hate that we can't spend this time with you, I hate that I have to send kisses to heaven instead of planting them on you myself. I would give anything to just hold you in my arms again, to see your daddy hold you. That kills me, I NEVER got to see you in your daddy's arms, except once, and that was the final time we got to say goodbye, I had such a hard time touching you you were freezing cold, you had been in the freezer, but we kissed your beautiful cold lips, and that my son is the only time I seen your daddy hold you, even though he was the first to hold you, I didn't get to see that because the dr's were working on saving mommy... I know you're close, we feel you in our spirits we feel you in our hearts.. You Tristan will forever be our first born, and we will NEVER allow anyone to forget you.. We will teach your brother's and sister's about you from the very beginning.. We know we have a special little angel in you watching over us.. We will forever love you sweet heart..
Love you forever,
mommy and daddy..

Thursday, November 20, 2008

Why?

So today is the day before what would have been your 10 month birthday.... I love you so much, and I miss you terribly....I can't fathom what the holiday's are going to be like it's killing me inside.....
I have tons more I want to say, but can't seem to get the words out right now.. Just know that daddy and I love you so much, and wish that you were in our arms...... I miss you...

Why?

So today is the day before what would have been your 10 month birthday.... I love you so much, and I miss you terribly....I can't fathom what the holiday's are going to be like it's killing me inside.....
I have tons more I want to say, but can't seem to get the words out right now.. Just know that daddy and I love you so much, and wish that you were in our arms...... I miss you...

Monday, November 17, 2008

A Poem from a beautiful mommy.....

A Mother's Love
A mother's heart is never empty.
From the time she knows, 'til the day she dies, she loves them all.
She never forgets those who were lost.
She always remembers each of her children.

A mother's arms may be empty, but she remembers every feeling.
She remembers the joy she felt, the sorrow she experienced,
all for her children. She would give her life if that were an option.

A mother's love is never ending,
From the moment she learns, as her child grows.
They tell her to forget, but she cannot. They tell her to wait,
but she will not. Only she knows, she and God.

She will see them one day. The angel will stand before her,
holding a precious bundle, telling her
to open her arms to the child she loved, lost,
and has found again. She will cry tears of joy.
Knowing the child will grow up without pain, without sorrow.
And she now has the chance she didn't before,
To express the love she feels for her child,
to thank God for this precious gift.
Stephanie Kay Suranyi

Copyright ©2008 Stephanie Kay Suranyi




Stephanie, thank you so very much, this poem says it all the emotion, the feeling and the sorrow a mother feels.. Thank you for allowing me to post this, and thank you so very much for sharing with me. You are an amazing writer, and an amazing soul!! Thank you...

A Poem from a beautiful mommy.....

A Mother's Love
A mother's heart is never empty.
From the time she knows, 'til the day she dies, she loves them all.
She never forgets those who were lost.
She always remembers each of her children.

A mother's arms may be empty, but she remembers every feeling.
She remembers the joy she felt, the sorrow she experienced,
all for her children. She would give her life if that were an option.

A mother's love is never ending,
From the moment she learns, as her child grows.
They tell her to forget, but she cannot. They tell her to wait,
but she will not. Only she knows, she and God.

She will see them one day. The angel will stand before her,
holding a precious bundle, telling her
to open her arms to the child she loved, lost,
and has found again. She will cry tears of joy.
Knowing the child will grow up without pain, without sorrow.
And she now has the chance she didn't before,
To express the love she feels for her child,
to thank God for this precious gift.
Stephanie Kay Suranyi

Copyright ©2008 Stephanie Kay Suranyi




Stephanie, thank you so very much, this poem says it all the emotion, the feeling and the sorrow a mother feels.. Thank you for allowing me to post this, and thank you so very much for sharing with me. You are an amazing writer, and an amazing soul!! Thank you...

Rest in Peace Mommy

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