Our Journey.....

January 2001, it was a cold, blistery, icy day in Oklahoma City, the day my future husband asked me to be his girl!!! March 31, 2006 was our wedding day.. We had decided that since we'd already been together for 5 years that we would immediately start trying for a baby. So in April that's what we did.. It took us 3 months and in July we were looking at a positive pregnancy test.. It was the 5th of July.. I remember thinking the 4th that I had to of been pregnant, as the beer just tasted horrible and I was wanting to sleep.. That pregnancy was not the easiest.. We started bleeding from the beginning, it was diagnosed a subchorionic hemorrhage.. It was a huge blood clot between the uterus and placenta.. Well fast forward to 12 weeks after getting off bed rest and having no more bleeding.. We had an ultrasound to find that our precious baby had passed on 3 weeks before.. I had what they called a missed abortion (you won't see me use this term as I HATE it..) So I had to schedule a d n c for the next day.. That morning around 4 am I woke up to severe pains and bleeding only to find out that my body had finally realized that it was miscarrying, so we got bumped up a few hours to do the d n c.. Our dr. sent the 'remains' off to the lab for genetic testing and he called a few weeks later to tell me that our baby was a healthy baby boy.. We named him Xavier Ahren. He was 9 weeks 5 days and our d n c was on 9/19/06.. We were told we could try after our first cycle, so we did, we got pregnant 4 months later, we were excited, yet nervous.. There was no bleeding and our number's were progressing well. Well at 5 weeks we had an u/s.. Nothing but a sac. We were told to come back 2 weeks later, at 7 weeks we went back and still there was only a sac, but a second sac was visible now too..The dr. thought he had seen a second sac at 5 weeks but we didn't think nothing of it.. We were told to come back in a week.. We went back at 8 weeks 3 days, still only a sac, that was starting to shrink, and the second sac completely gone.. We were diagnosed with a blighted ovum and decided to do a d n c right then instead of waiting.. We were devastated, again....We call this baby (well what should have been a baby) February, we needed closure.. well I needed closure) 4 months later, June 27, 2007 could it be? Yes it is, a big fat positive, I couldn't believe it, whoo-hoo we were pregnant again.. I was nervous as all get out, could barely stand myself I was so nervous. We had slight spotting at 5 weeks and went to the ER, only to be told we had a slight subchorionic hemorrhage, you can about guess my nerves shot straight through the roof, great here we go again.... I prepared myself to lose this baby too, but wait, it's 12 weeks and we're still pregnant, and there's a heartbeat?!?! Wow, 19 weeks and it's a BOY?!?! Is this for real? Is this really happening? We're going to be parents for real this time? Little did we know what God had in store for us....... January 21, 2008, Martin Luther King day, Monday, and the beginning of our 33rd week.. Everything started out great, Our little boy had woke me up at 5 am having a little kick-boxing tournament, this was the VERY FIRST time this had ever happened. I went about my morning, got on the computer, was fixing to start chatting with some girlfriends of mine, when I got the most oddest, most painful cramp I've ever gotten.. In all honesty I thought I had to go to the bathroom.. So I finished typing out what I had to say, and headed to the bathroom, the only thing was the pain was overwhelming, I was literally on my tip-toes.. (if I knew then what I know now, I would have just started pushing right then.... :( ) I sat down and hear a pop, gush....My first thought was Oh shit, my water just broke, I'm only 33 weeks, and we still have 7 weeks to go, ok, we can deal with NICU.. But then I look down.. The image I seen will forever haunt me, blood, and lots of it, I've never in all of my life seen so much blood as I did this day.. From here everything went down hill and FAST!! I stood up, grabbed some tissue and put it between my legs and ran to the living room, grabbed the phone, and called my husband, I was so scared, and deep inside, I knew he was gone...But I get a hold of him.. We talk he leaves work.. Well not thinking of the holiday it was I called my dr's office, no answer, I'm starting to feel faint and light headed, so I lay down on the floor, I called the ER and told them what was going on, all they could say is "why are you calling the er?" I just hung up.. Aaron called and was on the phone with 911 when he walked in the house.. He helped me to the living room couch where I laid down and was in so much pain, more pain than I ever imagined possible.. The paramedics showed up. finally.. Well apparently I got the pick of the day, 2 of the most ignorant, most hateful, degrading, pieces of crap people to come help us.. One was a rookie, and the other was a jerk.. The jerk asked me if I was pregnant? Duh, I'm 8 months freaking pregnant!! I'm huge!! He then says "Are you bleeding?" My reply was yes, his was well you miscarried......WHAT?!?! You're seriously going to tell a freaking 8 month pregnant woman that she just miscarried.. I already hated the idiot.. He then asks me if I can get up on my own and move to the gurney, sure I say, and as I do I throw up, he then thrust this bag in my face and say's "throw up in here not in my bus, I just cleaned it" they then proceed to wheel me out of my house, with no blanket on, just panties and a t-shirt.. I asked for my own blanket. Then they wheel me over the stepping stones instead of picking me up and carrying me, this hurt like you wouldn't believe the pain is still very vivid in my mind.. We'd already told them 2 times they've asked what hospital we were going to, twice, Women's and children's.. they get me in the ambulance, and pull out.. They didn't give me oxygen or anything except an iv. of saline.. I keep feeling the need to pass out, and gushes of blood coming out of me.. I told him that I felt like I was going to pass out, and he said there was nothing he could do, I was already laying down. So about this time I look out the window wondering why it's taking so long to get to my hospital, the idiots took me to the wrong hospital... . I keep feeling the need to close my eyes...just go to sleep.. Well they FINALLY get me to Women's and Children's, and upstairs to Labor and Delivery, where I coded, on the spot.. I remember the nurse checking me, and her saying that I was dialated 2 cm, and trying to find Tristan's heartbeat, it wasn't there.. I remember looking to Aaron and saying he's gone honey, my baby's gone, and Aaron, and the nurse both saying no he's probably hiding.. then I vaguely remember hearing Aaron say her eyes are rolling and the nurse saying Oh shit (as she hits the wall) and saying I need help in here.. (Later found out she called a code blue on me).. The next memories are in and out, and still comes back in flashes.. I remember waking in this room, very cold, and 2 people above my head, one woman on man, and I hear them saying we need to intibuate and start cpr, where is everyone at? I remember my dr. Dr. H standing next to me saying "Hi Shannon, it's me Dr. H and there's no fetal heart activity we need to operate immediately to find out where the bleed is before we lose you.. Then I felt him cut me, and everything went black.. The next thing I remember is waking up in the recovery room, looking up and seeing Aaron's face, and knowing that something was VERY wrong.. Then our social worker, Ms. Mary asked me if I would like to hold our son.....This was the first time I seen my little boy, he was gone, lifeless, but the most amazing creature I've ever seen, the most beautiful little boy.. Beings that I had a c section I had to stay in the hospital for a few days.. We were released, on Jan. 24, 2008 and it was hard leaving that hospital with only plants and a memory box full of Tristan's belongings, yet leaving him there.. This blog is full of the last 2 years and the years of battling infertility, and our journey to parent hood, if it's meant to be..

Friday, October 31, 2008

Happy Halloween, or is it????


Today would have been Tristan's first halloween I'm sad cause I was really looking forward to dressing him up as a little lobster also this means that the "real" holidays are coming, as is his 1st birthday.. I hate these firsts, why us? Why anyone? I know that he's getting the best sweets today, and I'm kinda jealous of Jesus, cause Jesus gets to take my little guy trick or treating to all the other angels. I know my son is in good hands.......

Well son, mommy loves you and God knows I miss you terribly. I wish like nothing else in this world that you were here today.... Daddy and I miss you so much, we love you more than anything in this world!! You are our light, you are our saving grace son... YOU have been such in inspiration to so many!! I love you sweet boy!!

Happy Halloween, or is it????


Today would have been Tristan's first halloween I'm sad cause I was really looking forward to dressing him up as a little lobster also this means that the "real" holidays are coming, as is his 1st birthday.. I hate these firsts, why us? Why anyone? I know that he's getting the best sweets today, and I'm kinda jealous of Jesus, cause Jesus gets to take my little guy trick or treating to all the other angels. I know my son is in good hands.......

Well son, mommy loves you and God knows I miss you terribly. I wish like nothing else in this world that you were here today.... Daddy and I miss you so much, we love you more than anything in this world!! You are our light, you are our saving grace son... YOU have been such in inspiration to so many!! I love you sweet boy!!

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

9 months......


9 months, wow, that is a long time, yet such a short time.. 9 months ago today I held the most beautiful child in my arms, my son... He would have been trying to walk, definately eating solid food, talking. I honestly can say I'm in a much different place today than I was a month ago, or even 9 months ago.. Although that pain and feeling is still so very very fresh in my mind, I know that I'm healing, and I have God to thank for that! I realize now that it wasn't God who took our son, it was the enemy trying to make me hate God!! I realize that now, it took me a while, but it's true! There isn't a time, a day, a second that goes by that Tristan isn't on my mind. I have been blessed with that little guy, and I've been blessed with a beautiful memory of a sweet angel.. I do know that without the Lord on my side I wouldn't have been able to make it this far. This last 9 months has been hell, but we've come out on top, and are really really ready to move forward, and become parents again, I know that Tristan is busy helping Jesus to pick out that perfect soul for his daddy and I.. I trust that!!


Tristan today on your 9 month birthday sweetheart know that mommy and daddy loves you so very very much, we miss you every second of every day, and we know you're with us always! Be strong sweetie, mommy will be there one day to hold you again, but this time, I know you'll open your eyes, and you'll breath in that heavenly air!! I love you sweetie, mommy loves you so so much Tristan!

9 months......


9 months, wow, that is a long time, yet such a short time.. 9 months ago today I held the most beautiful child in my arms, my son... He would have been trying to walk, definately eating solid food, talking. I honestly can say I'm in a much different place today than I was a month ago, or even 9 months ago.. Although that pain and feeling is still so very very fresh in my mind, I know that I'm healing, and I have God to thank for that! I realize now that it wasn't God who took our son, it was the enemy trying to make me hate God!! I realize that now, it took me a while, but it's true! There isn't a time, a day, a second that goes by that Tristan isn't on my mind. I have been blessed with that little guy, and I've been blessed with a beautiful memory of a sweet angel.. I do know that without the Lord on my side I wouldn't have been able to make it this far. This last 9 months has been hell, but we've come out on top, and are really really ready to move forward, and become parents again, I know that Tristan is busy helping Jesus to pick out that perfect soul for his daddy and I.. I trust that!!


Tristan today on your 9 month birthday sweetheart know that mommy and daddy loves you so very very much, we miss you every second of every day, and we know you're with us always! Be strong sweetie, mommy will be there one day to hold you again, but this time, I know you'll open your eyes, and you'll breath in that heavenly air!! I love you sweetie, mommy loves you so so much Tristan!

Wednesday, October 1, 2008

Everywhere I go, Every where I turn

There another woman is that is pregnant, or there is another infant or baby there, every where, even in my virtual life. I promise you, I've known of 3 births, and 5 pregnancies and 1 miscarriage.. I just want it to be me again, I want to be pregnant again, I want to feel life inside of me. I want to bring that life home to raise, and teach about Jesus, and life, and love.

I don't mean to sound like a spoiled brat, or ungreatful for what I've been given, however I would love a living baby. I'm so very greatful that the Lord allowed me to know and love my son for the beautiful 33 weeks. Now almost 9 months later, I want to be pregnant again, I want to be a mommy. All of my friends are getting pregnant, or getting their live rainbow babies, and I'm so very thrilled and beyone ecstatic for them, but where's mine? When is it my turn? What does everyone else have that we don't have?

I can't say that I'm not a little jealous cause then I would be lying, I'm totally jealous, 8 months ago my son was born still, I at least thought I would be pregnant by now. But alas here I am still trying. Although truthfully I wasn't fully trying but only for 3 months now. We weren't preventing though, which shows me that I'll never get pg by surprise.. How awesome that would be.


Now on to other area's of my life, I've practically been away from the computer since Monday 9.22.08, I've been helping my mother move out of what used to be my parents home. You see, after 28 years of marriage my parents are divorcing. Things don't always work out for everyone I guess, I know it's been really hard on my mom. I can't really tell from my dad as he never shows emotion. Well things haven't been the best for some time now between them and things did turn violent over time, and ended with my mom getting her wrist broke, I wasn't there so I don't know fully what happened, but I do know that no matter what happened, NO bones should have been broken, nor should they have had to end on this bad of a note. I think sometimes there are some people that just kinda grow apart, instead of together and as sad as it is, I know that my momma will laugh again, she will/can live again, and be herself. She can decorate her house any way that she wants to without having to ask "can I?" I know things are going to be better it's just hard seeing it all unfold.. Watching/helping her pack her belongings was most definately one of the hardest things I've ever had to do..


Oh and on my trying to conceive note, Aaron and I were both kinda sick and busy during my fertile week so no ttc this cycle, I think we made love once and that was 4 days before time!! So although there's a slight chance I doubt/nor do I think I will be seeing anything but good ol' aunt flo this month. But that's cool, cause then we get to have a little halloween fun, and make a lil' pumpkin of our own!!

Everywhere I go, Every where I turn

There another woman is that is pregnant, or there is another infant or baby there, every where, even in my virtual life. I promise you, I've known of 3 births, and 5 pregnancies and 1 miscarriage.. I just want it to be me again, I want to be pregnant again, I want to feel life inside of me. I want to bring that life home to raise, and teach about Jesus, and life, and love.

I don't mean to sound like a spoiled brat, or ungreatful for what I've been given, however I would love a living baby. I'm so very greatful that the Lord allowed me to know and love my son for the beautiful 33 weeks. Now almost 9 months later, I want to be pregnant again, I want to be a mommy. All of my friends are getting pregnant, or getting their live rainbow babies, and I'm so very thrilled and beyone ecstatic for them, but where's mine? When is it my turn? What does everyone else have that we don't have?

I can't say that I'm not a little jealous cause then I would be lying, I'm totally jealous, 8 months ago my son was born still, I at least thought I would be pregnant by now. But alas here I am still trying. Although truthfully I wasn't fully trying but only for 3 months now. We weren't preventing though, which shows me that I'll never get pg by surprise.. How awesome that would be.


Now on to other area's of my life, I've practically been away from the computer since Monday 9.22.08, I've been helping my mother move out of what used to be my parents home. You see, after 28 years of marriage my parents are divorcing. Things don't always work out for everyone I guess, I know it's been really hard on my mom. I can't really tell from my dad as he never shows emotion. Well things haven't been the best for some time now between them and things did turn violent over time, and ended with my mom getting her wrist broke, I wasn't there so I don't know fully what happened, but I do know that no matter what happened, NO bones should have been broken, nor should they have had to end on this bad of a note. I think sometimes there are some people that just kinda grow apart, instead of together and as sad as it is, I know that my momma will laugh again, she will/can live again, and be herself. She can decorate her house any way that she wants to without having to ask "can I?" I know things are going to be better it's just hard seeing it all unfold.. Watching/helping her pack her belongings was most definately one of the hardest things I've ever had to do..


Oh and on my trying to conceive note, Aaron and I were both kinda sick and busy during my fertile week so no ttc this cycle, I think we made love once and that was 4 days before time!! So although there's a slight chance I doubt/nor do I think I will be seeing anything but good ol' aunt flo this month. But that's cool, cause then we get to have a little halloween fun, and make a lil' pumpkin of our own!!

Rest in Peace Mommy

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