Our Journey.....

January 2001, it was a cold, blistery, icy day in Oklahoma City, the day my future husband asked me to be his girl!!! March 31, 2006 was our wedding day.. We had decided that since we'd already been together for 5 years that we would immediately start trying for a baby. So in April that's what we did.. It took us 3 months and in July we were looking at a positive pregnancy test.. It was the 5th of July.. I remember thinking the 4th that I had to of been pregnant, as the beer just tasted horrible and I was wanting to sleep.. That pregnancy was not the easiest.. We started bleeding from the beginning, it was diagnosed a subchorionic hemorrhage.. It was a huge blood clot between the uterus and placenta.. Well fast forward to 12 weeks after getting off bed rest and having no more bleeding.. We had an ultrasound to find that our precious baby had passed on 3 weeks before.. I had what they called a missed abortion (you won't see me use this term as I HATE it..) So I had to schedule a d n c for the next day.. That morning around 4 am I woke up to severe pains and bleeding only to find out that my body had finally realized that it was miscarrying, so we got bumped up a few hours to do the d n c.. Our dr. sent the 'remains' off to the lab for genetic testing and he called a few weeks later to tell me that our baby was a healthy baby boy.. We named him Xavier Ahren. He was 9 weeks 5 days and our d n c was on 9/19/06.. We were told we could try after our first cycle, so we did, we got pregnant 4 months later, we were excited, yet nervous.. There was no bleeding and our number's were progressing well. Well at 5 weeks we had an u/s.. Nothing but a sac. We were told to come back 2 weeks later, at 7 weeks we went back and still there was only a sac, but a second sac was visible now too..The dr. thought he had seen a second sac at 5 weeks but we didn't think nothing of it.. We were told to come back in a week.. We went back at 8 weeks 3 days, still only a sac, that was starting to shrink, and the second sac completely gone.. We were diagnosed with a blighted ovum and decided to do a d n c right then instead of waiting.. We were devastated, again....We call this baby (well what should have been a baby) February, we needed closure.. well I needed closure) 4 months later, June 27, 2007 could it be? Yes it is, a big fat positive, I couldn't believe it, whoo-hoo we were pregnant again.. I was nervous as all get out, could barely stand myself I was so nervous. We had slight spotting at 5 weeks and went to the ER, only to be told we had a slight subchorionic hemorrhage, you can about guess my nerves shot straight through the roof, great here we go again.... I prepared myself to lose this baby too, but wait, it's 12 weeks and we're still pregnant, and there's a heartbeat?!?! Wow, 19 weeks and it's a BOY?!?! Is this for real? Is this really happening? We're going to be parents for real this time? Little did we know what God had in store for us....... January 21, 2008, Martin Luther King day, Monday, and the beginning of our 33rd week.. Everything started out great, Our little boy had woke me up at 5 am having a little kick-boxing tournament, this was the VERY FIRST time this had ever happened. I went about my morning, got on the computer, was fixing to start chatting with some girlfriends of mine, when I got the most oddest, most painful cramp I've ever gotten.. In all honesty I thought I had to go to the bathroom.. So I finished typing out what I had to say, and headed to the bathroom, the only thing was the pain was overwhelming, I was literally on my tip-toes.. (if I knew then what I know now, I would have just started pushing right then.... :( ) I sat down and hear a pop, gush....My first thought was Oh shit, my water just broke, I'm only 33 weeks, and we still have 7 weeks to go, ok, we can deal with NICU.. But then I look down.. The image I seen will forever haunt me, blood, and lots of it, I've never in all of my life seen so much blood as I did this day.. From here everything went down hill and FAST!! I stood up, grabbed some tissue and put it between my legs and ran to the living room, grabbed the phone, and called my husband, I was so scared, and deep inside, I knew he was gone...But I get a hold of him.. We talk he leaves work.. Well not thinking of the holiday it was I called my dr's office, no answer, I'm starting to feel faint and light headed, so I lay down on the floor, I called the ER and told them what was going on, all they could say is "why are you calling the er?" I just hung up.. Aaron called and was on the phone with 911 when he walked in the house.. He helped me to the living room couch where I laid down and was in so much pain, more pain than I ever imagined possible.. The paramedics showed up. finally.. Well apparently I got the pick of the day, 2 of the most ignorant, most hateful, degrading, pieces of crap people to come help us.. One was a rookie, and the other was a jerk.. The jerk asked me if I was pregnant? Duh, I'm 8 months freaking pregnant!! I'm huge!! He then says "Are you bleeding?" My reply was yes, his was well you miscarried......WHAT?!?! You're seriously going to tell a freaking 8 month pregnant woman that she just miscarried.. I already hated the idiot.. He then asks me if I can get up on my own and move to the gurney, sure I say, and as I do I throw up, he then thrust this bag in my face and say's "throw up in here not in my bus, I just cleaned it" they then proceed to wheel me out of my house, with no blanket on, just panties and a t-shirt.. I asked for my own blanket. Then they wheel me over the stepping stones instead of picking me up and carrying me, this hurt like you wouldn't believe the pain is still very vivid in my mind.. We'd already told them 2 times they've asked what hospital we were going to, twice, Women's and children's.. they get me in the ambulance, and pull out.. They didn't give me oxygen or anything except an iv. of saline.. I keep feeling the need to pass out, and gushes of blood coming out of me.. I told him that I felt like I was going to pass out, and he said there was nothing he could do, I was already laying down. So about this time I look out the window wondering why it's taking so long to get to my hospital, the idiots took me to the wrong hospital... . I keep feeling the need to close my eyes...just go to sleep.. Well they FINALLY get me to Women's and Children's, and upstairs to Labor and Delivery, where I coded, on the spot.. I remember the nurse checking me, and her saying that I was dialated 2 cm, and trying to find Tristan's heartbeat, it wasn't there.. I remember looking to Aaron and saying he's gone honey, my baby's gone, and Aaron, and the nurse both saying no he's probably hiding.. then I vaguely remember hearing Aaron say her eyes are rolling and the nurse saying Oh shit (as she hits the wall) and saying I need help in here.. (Later found out she called a code blue on me).. The next memories are in and out, and still comes back in flashes.. I remember waking in this room, very cold, and 2 people above my head, one woman on man, and I hear them saying we need to intibuate and start cpr, where is everyone at? I remember my dr. Dr. H standing next to me saying "Hi Shannon, it's me Dr. H and there's no fetal heart activity we need to operate immediately to find out where the bleed is before we lose you.. Then I felt him cut me, and everything went black.. The next thing I remember is waking up in the recovery room, looking up and seeing Aaron's face, and knowing that something was VERY wrong.. Then our social worker, Ms. Mary asked me if I would like to hold our son.....This was the first time I seen my little boy, he was gone, lifeless, but the most amazing creature I've ever seen, the most beautiful little boy.. Beings that I had a c section I had to stay in the hospital for a few days.. We were released, on Jan. 24, 2008 and it was hard leaving that hospital with only plants and a memory box full of Tristan's belongings, yet leaving him there.. This blog is full of the last 2 years and the years of battling infertility, and our journey to parent hood, if it's meant to be..

Thursday, July 24, 2008

Monday I was just here, a hard day emotionally, but anyhoo, then Tuesday my mother was here all day, so no computer for me, then that evening when I sat down to get online, my baby informs me we need to go to the hospital, he's not feeling well, heart rate really high, throwing up, nausea, a slight pain in his chest (as you can imagine I'm thinking the worst at this point) well we get there and get right back ( I put chest pains on the sign in) well his resting h/b was 125 bpm, too high even for anxiety...so they had him stay over night for observation, well we get home Wednesday morning after the cardiologist's nurse practioner came to see him, and prescribed him some xanex and scheduled us an appt for this morning well we get there and the dr. tells us that his ekg was spiked a little bit but nothing to worry bout too much (if you know me at all I'm beyond scared at this point) and normal triglyceride levels should be 150 or less his are above 1000, NOT GOOD!! The dr did tell us that it's genetic, so more than likely our children will be at risk for hypertriglyceremia right now they have him on lipofen, and we go on the 6th for a nuclear stress test, on the 14th for poss. more test, and then the 21st for loads of blood work to make sure the meds are working.....Since losing Tristan, I can't say that I trust anyone when they tell me he will be fine, you see everyone told me I was bringing Tristan home and look that didn't happen...I can't lose my husband, I love him so much, he's my best friend, my confidant, my soul mate, he's my baby. He's everything I've ever dreamt of, there's no way that I could live without him... Well I wasn't able to sleep without letting ya'll know the full deal.....I'm ready for a break, it's about time we deserve a damn break, for 2 years everything has been just ugh......And you know it's sad that we've only been married for 2 years and it's been a shitty 2 years with all the losses, my brothers attempted suicide, his grandpa passing, my cat,financial strss, my parents divorcing and now this....I am not saying that all of the 2 years has been bad, I mean I did get to marry my very best friend.. But I can say that our 2 years of marriage has seriously been tested...You know I know you're not supposed to ask how much is one person to take?? How much more can we take.?? How much more is going to be placed on us before we're to crack? How much more is HE going to test our faith?? I'm going to copy this post and put it in my blog (of course edited some) but we're still on for this cycle so that's giving us something to look forward to....









I just can't believe the way our life is going, but guess what even through all this shit we've over come, we're sooo much closer than ever before, so you know they say the enemy is a powerful creature, he's only as powerful as you allow him to be ya know?? Yeah the things that he brings into our lives might bring us down, but I'll be damned if I let it ruin us/me..I've had a hell of a life, and you know I thought and prayed that when Aaron and I got married all the bad shit that seemed to find me would stop, that we together would get past it all and not have to worry about it.. Can somebody please tell me that all this bad shit is going to stop, that there will be nothing but things to look forward too, and happiness come back into our lives?? I mean come on already, HOW MUCH MORE DO WE HAVE TO TAKE????????? We try to do right and still get everything ripped right out of us, but the local crack heads, get it all?? They get their babies, their everything, (this is only a freaking metaphor) You know I just don't get it....When is it our time, our turn?? Can someone please tell me?? How do 2 people have so much heartache in as little as 2 years, but really the most of it the last 6 months.....in the last 6 months my son dies, my brother tries to die, and my parents marriage dies.....enough death?? No well go back 2 years ago, my first son dies, then a blighted ovum, then finally get pg, only for him to die too..Aaron's grandfather died, my step grandfather died, enough death already, seriously enough....I can't take anymore!!!
Monday I was just here, a hard day emotionally, but anyhoo, then Tuesday my mother was here all day, so no computer for me, then that evening when I sat down to get online, my baby informs me we need to go to the hospital, he's not feeling well, heart rate really high, throwing up, nausea, a slight pain in his chest (as you can imagine I'm thinking the worst at this point) well we get there and get right back ( I put chest pains on the sign in) well his resting h/b was 125 bpm, too high even for anxiety...so they had him stay over night for observation, well we get home Wednesday morning after the cardiologist's nurse practioner came to see him, and prescribed him some xanex and scheduled us an appt for this morning well we get there and the dr. tells us that his ekg was spiked a little bit but nothing to worry bout too much (if you know me at all I'm beyond scared at this point) and normal triglyceride levels should be 150 or less his are above 1000, NOT GOOD!! The dr did tell us that it's genetic, so more than likely our children will be at risk for hypertriglyceremia right now they have him on lipofen, and we go on the 6th for a nuclear stress test, on the 14th for poss. more test, and then the 21st for loads of blood work to make sure the meds are working.....Since losing Tristan, I can't say that I trust anyone when they tell me he will be fine, you see everyone told me I was bringing Tristan home and look that didn't happen...I can't lose my husband, I love him so much, he's my best friend, my confidant, my soul mate, he's my baby. He's everything I've ever dreamt of, there's no way that I could live without him... Well I wasn't able to sleep without letting ya'll know the full deal.....I'm ready for a break, it's about time we deserve a damn break, for 2 years everything has been just ugh......And you know it's sad that we've only been married for 2 years and it's been a shitty 2 years with all the losses, my brothers attempted suicide, his grandpa passing, my cat,financial strss, my parents divorcing and now this....I am not saying that all of the 2 years has been bad, I mean I did get to marry my very best friend.. But I can say that our 2 years of marriage has seriously been tested...You know I know you're not supposed to ask how much is one person to take?? How much more can we take.?? How much more is going to be placed on us before we're to crack? How much more is HE going to test our faith?? I'm going to copy this post and put it in my blog (of course edited some) but we're still on for this cycle so that's giving us something to look forward to....









I just can't believe the way our life is going, but guess what even through all this shit we've over come, we're sooo much closer than ever before, so you know they say the enemy is a powerful creature, he's only as powerful as you allow him to be ya know?? Yeah the things that he brings into our lives might bring us down, but I'll be damned if I let it ruin us/me..I've had a hell of a life, and you know I thought and prayed that when Aaron and I got married all the bad shit that seemed to find me would stop, that we together would get past it all and not have to worry about it.. Can somebody please tell me that all this bad shit is going to stop, that there will be nothing but things to look forward too, and happiness come back into our lives?? I mean come on already, HOW MUCH MORE DO WE HAVE TO TAKE????????? We try to do right and still get everything ripped right out of us, but the local crack heads, get it all?? They get their babies, their everything, (this is only a freaking metaphor) You know I just don't get it....When is it our time, our turn?? Can someone please tell me?? How do 2 people have so much heartache in as little as 2 years, but really the most of it the last 6 months.....in the last 6 months my son dies, my brother tries to die, and my parents marriage dies.....enough death?? No well go back 2 years ago, my first son dies, then a blighted ovum, then finally get pg, only for him to die too..Aaron's grandfather died, my step grandfather died, enough death already, seriously enough....I can't take anymore!!!

Monday, July 21, 2008

6 months ago....

6 months ago today, right now this very moment at 10:30ish am, was the last time I felt Tristan kick, 6 months ago today my world ended and a nightmare took it's place...

A nightmare that seems to never end, the same nightmare that I can't escape from....Why God did you have to take Tristan from us?? I just can't wrap my mind around it, really I can't...I've accepted our fate as it is, because I can't change it. I just want you back, I want to hold you in my arms..In 2 hours and 37 min. will be exactly 6 months to the hour you were taken by csection... And at around 12pm my placenta ruptured...God baby boy mommy misses you so much...Daddy misses you too, I seen him crying as he left the house this morning, he visited your room this morning, and baby he misses you so badly....He told me everytime he looks in the mirror he sees you, he's not lying, everytime I look in his eyes I see you...Son we love you tenderly and miss you terribly...I wish I could just come up there and bring you back home....But since I can't I have to ask you to wait on us, for we will be there sweetie, we will be there to hold you again, I promise!!! I love you...

Love you always sweetheart
Mommy and Daddy

6 months ago....

6 months ago today, right now this very moment at 10:30ish am, was the last time I felt Tristan kick, 6 months ago today my world ended and a nightmare took it's place...

A nightmare that seems to never end, the same nightmare that I can't escape from....Why God did you have to take Tristan from us?? I just can't wrap my mind around it, really I can't...I've accepted our fate as it is, because I can't change it. I just want you back, I want to hold you in my arms..In 2 hours and 37 min. will be exactly 6 months to the hour you were taken by csection... And at around 12pm my placenta ruptured...God baby boy mommy misses you so much...Daddy misses you too, I seen him crying as he left the house this morning, he visited your room this morning, and baby he misses you so badly....He told me everytime he looks in the mirror he sees you, he's not lying, everytime I look in his eyes I see you...Son we love you tenderly and miss you terribly...I wish I could just come up there and bring you back home....But since I can't I have to ask you to wait on us, for we will be there sweetie, we will be there to hold you again, I promise!!! I love you...

Love you always sweetheart
Mommy and Daddy

Saturday, July 19, 2008

Saturday July 19,2008

6 months ago today I was excited.......6 months ago today my husband and I were out shopping for our little Tristan......6 months ago today, we bought diapers, wipes, bottle liners and a outfit you never got to wear, your coming home outfit.... 6 months ago today we were so naive, we were so excited, we were feeling you bounce around, we could see you move (just beginning to actually) I could feel your hiccups, and boy did you get the hiccups, your whole little body would just bounce up and down!! 6 months ago today you were alive........










saddly this day is so vivid in my mind, I remember how excited I was, I also remember how bad my groin hurt by the end of the day too.......God I miss him......I just want him back, please??

Saturday July 19,2008

6 months ago today I was excited.......6 months ago today my husband and I were out shopping for our little Tristan......6 months ago today, we bought diapers, wipes, bottle liners and a outfit you never got to wear, your coming home outfit.... 6 months ago today we were so naive, we were so excited, we were feeling you bounce around, we could see you move (just beginning to actually) I could feel your hiccups, and boy did you get the hiccups, your whole little body would just bounce up and down!! 6 months ago today you were alive........










saddly this day is so vivid in my mind, I remember how excited I was, I also remember how bad my groin hurt by the end of the day too.......God I miss him......I just want him back, please??

Wednesday, July 16, 2008

A letter from mommy

My Dearest Son, 7/14/08
Tristan these last 6 months has been the loneliest months of my life. Not a day goes by that I don't question our fate. I question why you? Why us? Did you leave us because I'm really an unfit mommy? Did you leave us because although I did quit smoking the day before you died, I did have a couple of ciggerettes? (I've not told anyone this, and pray that I'm not judged for it) But my dr. did say that I would have had to smoke 2 packs a day every day of our pregnancy for me to cause your death..Why? Why can't you just come back to us? My arms and my heart yearn so badly for you.....I know (thanks to auntie Amanda) that you would be up and trying to crawl now, but I'm guessing you got the better end of the deal because you got to learn to fly with Jesus.....I can't even get out in words the incredible ache in my heart and my soul for you...You my son were my every dream. You were the absolute most beautiful baby that I've ever seen.. You were absolutely perfect.. I would give anything to feel you in my arms again.. I would spend more time with you just daddy and I. I wish I could have seen your daddy hold you, more than once.... I wish would have looked you completely over, and taken off your little outfit they had dressed you in....I wish I knew what your belly looked like, and your little chest, shoulders, legs....I wish I would have taken pictures of your precious little feet..I wish I would have known what that initial pain was, I wish I could have had the urge to push, I wish like hell that I could have saved you....I wish with everything I have that you would have lived....Baby I dreamt of teaching you so many things, I dreamt of teaching you to talk, walk, read, play, eat, crawl, everything and not in that order of course, but still.....I was anxious and so eager to watch you and daddy embark on that first hunting trip together, where you'd come back and tell me all the gross details of you peeing in the woods, and all the fun you and daddy had.....I'm going to miss that.....I'm going to miss seeing you ride your first bike, be in your school plays, proms, first car, first job, and your wedding, I'll never see you get married and have babies of your own, you will forever be a baby an infant....My sweet sweet Tristan....Why baby did you have to go? Why did you leave us? I don't understand this....I know there's a lesson in everything that happens in life, but in all seriousness, where and what is the lesson in my child, my son, my baby dying have in it?? I don't understand why people feel like they need to tell me I need to let you go, and go move on, and get out of my house.....I can't let you go, mommy will NEVER EVER let you go!! I promise you that Tristan, as sure as I'm sitting here writing you this letter, I promise that you my son will never be forgotten!!!! I love you so tenderly and genuinly...I will forever hold you in my heart, and your ashes will never ever leave my neck......I must say that your daddy misses you terribly too, I sees the angst in his eyes for his boy, I see him sitting here and just gazing out at the sky, knowing he's thinking and dreaming of you and what should have been.. In all actuallity you should only be about 4 months, but instead, you're almost a 6 month old angel.....oh son, daddy and I love you so much.....

Love you,
Mommy

A letter from mommy

My Dearest Son, 7/14/08
Tristan these last 6 months has been the loneliest months of my life. Not a day goes by that I don't question our fate. I question why you? Why us? Did you leave us because I'm really an unfit mommy? Did you leave us because although I did quit smoking the day before you died, I did have a couple of ciggerettes? (I've not told anyone this, and pray that I'm not judged for it) But my dr. did say that I would have had to smoke 2 packs a day every day of our pregnancy for me to cause your death..Why? Why can't you just come back to us? My arms and my heart yearn so badly for you.....I know (thanks to auntie Amanda) that you would be up and trying to crawl now, but I'm guessing you got the better end of the deal because you got to learn to fly with Jesus.....I can't even get out in words the incredible ache in my heart and my soul for you...You my son were my every dream. You were the absolute most beautiful baby that I've ever seen.. You were absolutely perfect.. I would give anything to feel you in my arms again.. I would spend more time with you just daddy and I. I wish I could have seen your daddy hold you, more than once.... I wish would have looked you completely over, and taken off your little outfit they had dressed you in....I wish I knew what your belly looked like, and your little chest, shoulders, legs....I wish I would have taken pictures of your precious little feet..I wish I would have known what that initial pain was, I wish I could have had the urge to push, I wish like hell that I could have saved you....I wish with everything I have that you would have lived....Baby I dreamt of teaching you so many things, I dreamt of teaching you to talk, walk, read, play, eat, crawl, everything and not in that order of course, but still.....I was anxious and so eager to watch you and daddy embark on that first hunting trip together, where you'd come back and tell me all the gross details of you peeing in the woods, and all the fun you and daddy had.....I'm going to miss that.....I'm going to miss seeing you ride your first bike, be in your school plays, proms, first car, first job, and your wedding, I'll never see you get married and have babies of your own, you will forever be a baby an infant....My sweet sweet Tristan....Why baby did you have to go? Why did you leave us? I don't understand this....I know there's a lesson in everything that happens in life, but in all seriousness, where and what is the lesson in my child, my son, my baby dying have in it?? I don't understand why people feel like they need to tell me I need to let you go, and go move on, and get out of my house.....I can't let you go, mommy will NEVER EVER let you go!! I promise you that Tristan, as sure as I'm sitting here writing you this letter, I promise that you my son will never be forgotten!!!! I love you so tenderly and genuinly...I will forever hold you in my heart, and your ashes will never ever leave my neck......I must say that your daddy misses you terribly too, I sees the angst in his eyes for his boy, I see him sitting here and just gazing out at the sky, knowing he's thinking and dreaming of you and what should have been.. In all actuallity you should only be about 4 months, but instead, you're almost a 6 month old angel.....oh son, daddy and I love you so much.....

Love you,
Mommy

Thursday, July 3, 2008

a note to you my dear Tristan

Tristan,
My love, my son, tomorrow is the 4th of July, and I wonder if you would like the fireworks, or if they would terrify you....I imagine you'd be testing the waters with some solids...God baby I miss you....I wish I could just hold you.....What I would give to have you back...Why? Why did you have to go? Why did we lose you? Why can't you come back?? I love you sweet heart, Daddy loves you....We miss you terribly, and love you even more!
Love,
Mommy and Daddy

a note to you my dear Tristan

Tristan,
My love, my son, tomorrow is the 4th of July, and I wonder if you would like the fireworks, or if they would terrify you....I imagine you'd be testing the waters with some solids...God baby I miss you....I wish I could just hold you.....What I would give to have you back...Why? Why did you have to go? Why did we lose you? Why can't you come back?? I love you sweet heart, Daddy loves you....We miss you terribly, and love you even more!
Love,
Mommy and Daddy

wow

While visiting one of my baby loss boards, a good friend that lost her little bumble bee, posted this, it's out of one of my favorite movies, and I had forgotten all about this part in the movie, but it's so very true, and today, it's helped me to realize that Tristan knew nothing but our love, he felt my heartbeat and with every beat I pray that he felt my love, and his daddy's love........This is what Sally Field say's at the funeral of her daughter in Steel Magnolias.....

. "I find it amusing. Men are supposed to be made out of steel or something. I just sat there. I just held Shelby's hand. There was no noise, no tremble, just peace. Oh god. I realize as a woman how lucky I am. I was there when that wonderful creature drifted into my life and I was there when she drifted out. It was the most precious moment of my life."


There's more truth in that one statement that a lifetime of truth's hold......I WAS THERE WHEN MY SON DRIFTED IN TO OUR LIVES, AND I WAS THERE WHEN HE LEFT THIS WORLD.... That is a great feeling, albeit sad, it's a blessing......


Tristan, not a day goes by that I don't miss you, that I don't love you, I love you with every inch of my being, I love you more than there are stars in the sky..You are my shining star....I can look into that sky and know that you are winking at me as the stars blink...When my storms roll through I think of you bowling with Jesus, like now, it sounds like you just got a strike!! When it lightens, I imagine Jesus taking your pictures, and holding on to them til we can meet you in heaven where Jesus will hand me a photo book of you growing up...But you will never grow up, you will forever be an infant, you will never feel pain, sorrow, depression, or hate. You will forever feel love, and to mommy that just amazes me, and makes me proud to know you'll never feel the sorrow that we feel daily!! Daddy and I love you munchkin.....

wow

While visiting one of my baby loss boards, a good friend that lost her little bumble bee, posted this, it's out of one of my favorite movies, and I had forgotten all about this part in the movie, but it's so very true, and today, it's helped me to realize that Tristan knew nothing but our love, he felt my heartbeat and with every beat I pray that he felt my love, and his daddy's love........This is what Sally Field say's at the funeral of her daughter in Steel Magnolias.....

. "I find it amusing. Men are supposed to be made out of steel or something. I just sat there. I just held Shelby's hand. There was no noise, no tremble, just peace. Oh god. I realize as a woman how lucky I am. I was there when that wonderful creature drifted into my life and I was there when she drifted out. It was the most precious moment of my life."


There's more truth in that one statement that a lifetime of truth's hold......I WAS THERE WHEN MY SON DRIFTED IN TO OUR LIVES, AND I WAS THERE WHEN HE LEFT THIS WORLD.... That is a great feeling, albeit sad, it's a blessing......


Tristan, not a day goes by that I don't miss you, that I don't love you, I love you with every inch of my being, I love you more than there are stars in the sky..You are my shining star....I can look into that sky and know that you are winking at me as the stars blink...When my storms roll through I think of you bowling with Jesus, like now, it sounds like you just got a strike!! When it lightens, I imagine Jesus taking your pictures, and holding on to them til we can meet you in heaven where Jesus will hand me a photo book of you growing up...But you will never grow up, you will forever be an infant, you will never feel pain, sorrow, depression, or hate. You will forever feel love, and to mommy that just amazes me, and makes me proud to know you'll never feel the sorrow that we feel daily!! Daddy and I love you munchkin.....

Rest in Peace Mommy

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