Our Journey.....

January 2001, it was a cold, blistery, icy day in Oklahoma City, the day my future husband asked me to be his girl!!! March 31, 2006 was our wedding day.. We had decided that since we'd already been together for 5 years that we would immediately start trying for a baby. So in April that's what we did.. It took us 3 months and in July we were looking at a positive pregnancy test.. It was the 5th of July.. I remember thinking the 4th that I had to of been pregnant, as the beer just tasted horrible and I was wanting to sleep.. That pregnancy was not the easiest.. We started bleeding from the beginning, it was diagnosed a subchorionic hemorrhage.. It was a huge blood clot between the uterus and placenta.. Well fast forward to 12 weeks after getting off bed rest and having no more bleeding.. We had an ultrasound to find that our precious baby had passed on 3 weeks before.. I had what they called a missed abortion (you won't see me use this term as I HATE it..) So I had to schedule a d n c for the next day.. That morning around 4 am I woke up to severe pains and bleeding only to find out that my body had finally realized that it was miscarrying, so we got bumped up a few hours to do the d n c.. Our dr. sent the 'remains' off to the lab for genetic testing and he called a few weeks later to tell me that our baby was a healthy baby boy.. We named him Xavier Ahren. He was 9 weeks 5 days and our d n c was on 9/19/06.. We were told we could try after our first cycle, so we did, we got pregnant 4 months later, we were excited, yet nervous.. There was no bleeding and our number's were progressing well. Well at 5 weeks we had an u/s.. Nothing but a sac. We were told to come back 2 weeks later, at 7 weeks we went back and still there was only a sac, but a second sac was visible now too..The dr. thought he had seen a second sac at 5 weeks but we didn't think nothing of it.. We were told to come back in a week.. We went back at 8 weeks 3 days, still only a sac, that was starting to shrink, and the second sac completely gone.. We were diagnosed with a blighted ovum and decided to do a d n c right then instead of waiting.. We were devastated, again....We call this baby (well what should have been a baby) February, we needed closure.. well I needed closure) 4 months later, June 27, 2007 could it be? Yes it is, a big fat positive, I couldn't believe it, whoo-hoo we were pregnant again.. I was nervous as all get out, could barely stand myself I was so nervous. We had slight spotting at 5 weeks and went to the ER, only to be told we had a slight subchorionic hemorrhage, you can about guess my nerves shot straight through the roof, great here we go again.... I prepared myself to lose this baby too, but wait, it's 12 weeks and we're still pregnant, and there's a heartbeat?!?! Wow, 19 weeks and it's a BOY?!?! Is this for real? Is this really happening? We're going to be parents for real this time? Little did we know what God had in store for us....... January 21, 2008, Martin Luther King day, Monday, and the beginning of our 33rd week.. Everything started out great, Our little boy had woke me up at 5 am having a little kick-boxing tournament, this was the VERY FIRST time this had ever happened. I went about my morning, got on the computer, was fixing to start chatting with some girlfriends of mine, when I got the most oddest, most painful cramp I've ever gotten.. In all honesty I thought I had to go to the bathroom.. So I finished typing out what I had to say, and headed to the bathroom, the only thing was the pain was overwhelming, I was literally on my tip-toes.. (if I knew then what I know now, I would have just started pushing right then.... :( ) I sat down and hear a pop, gush....My first thought was Oh shit, my water just broke, I'm only 33 weeks, and we still have 7 weeks to go, ok, we can deal with NICU.. But then I look down.. The image I seen will forever haunt me, blood, and lots of it, I've never in all of my life seen so much blood as I did this day.. From here everything went down hill and FAST!! I stood up, grabbed some tissue and put it between my legs and ran to the living room, grabbed the phone, and called my husband, I was so scared, and deep inside, I knew he was gone...But I get a hold of him.. We talk he leaves work.. Well not thinking of the holiday it was I called my dr's office, no answer, I'm starting to feel faint and light headed, so I lay down on the floor, I called the ER and told them what was going on, all they could say is "why are you calling the er?" I just hung up.. Aaron called and was on the phone with 911 when he walked in the house.. He helped me to the living room couch where I laid down and was in so much pain, more pain than I ever imagined possible.. The paramedics showed up. finally.. Well apparently I got the pick of the day, 2 of the most ignorant, most hateful, degrading, pieces of crap people to come help us.. One was a rookie, and the other was a jerk.. The jerk asked me if I was pregnant? Duh, I'm 8 months freaking pregnant!! I'm huge!! He then says "Are you bleeding?" My reply was yes, his was well you miscarried......WHAT?!?! You're seriously going to tell a freaking 8 month pregnant woman that she just miscarried.. I already hated the idiot.. He then asks me if I can get up on my own and move to the gurney, sure I say, and as I do I throw up, he then thrust this bag in my face and say's "throw up in here not in my bus, I just cleaned it" they then proceed to wheel me out of my house, with no blanket on, just panties and a t-shirt.. I asked for my own blanket. Then they wheel me over the stepping stones instead of picking me up and carrying me, this hurt like you wouldn't believe the pain is still very vivid in my mind.. We'd already told them 2 times they've asked what hospital we were going to, twice, Women's and children's.. they get me in the ambulance, and pull out.. They didn't give me oxygen or anything except an iv. of saline.. I keep feeling the need to pass out, and gushes of blood coming out of me.. I told him that I felt like I was going to pass out, and he said there was nothing he could do, I was already laying down. So about this time I look out the window wondering why it's taking so long to get to my hospital, the idiots took me to the wrong hospital... . I keep feeling the need to close my eyes...just go to sleep.. Well they FINALLY get me to Women's and Children's, and upstairs to Labor and Delivery, where I coded, on the spot.. I remember the nurse checking me, and her saying that I was dialated 2 cm, and trying to find Tristan's heartbeat, it wasn't there.. I remember looking to Aaron and saying he's gone honey, my baby's gone, and Aaron, and the nurse both saying no he's probably hiding.. then I vaguely remember hearing Aaron say her eyes are rolling and the nurse saying Oh shit (as she hits the wall) and saying I need help in here.. (Later found out she called a code blue on me).. The next memories are in and out, and still comes back in flashes.. I remember waking in this room, very cold, and 2 people above my head, one woman on man, and I hear them saying we need to intibuate and start cpr, where is everyone at? I remember my dr. Dr. H standing next to me saying "Hi Shannon, it's me Dr. H and there's no fetal heart activity we need to operate immediately to find out where the bleed is before we lose you.. Then I felt him cut me, and everything went black.. The next thing I remember is waking up in the recovery room, looking up and seeing Aaron's face, and knowing that something was VERY wrong.. Then our social worker, Ms. Mary asked me if I would like to hold our son.....This was the first time I seen my little boy, he was gone, lifeless, but the most amazing creature I've ever seen, the most beautiful little boy.. Beings that I had a c section I had to stay in the hospital for a few days.. We were released, on Jan. 24, 2008 and it was hard leaving that hospital with only plants and a memory box full of Tristan's belongings, yet leaving him there.. This blog is full of the last 2 years and the years of battling infertility, and our journey to parent hood, if it's meant to be..

Saturday, June 14, 2008

A year ago, Father's Day

A year ago Father's day landed on June 17th, you ask, how do you know and why? Well I'll never forget 6/17/07 as long as I live, that was the night that our sweet little Tristan was conceived, now this father's day, my sweet and loving husband is celebrating this day with no son, with only the memory and pictures of what should have been.....Instead of looking at a picture of our son, and wishing, my husband should be playing with our son, throwing him up in the air and catching him while he just laughs and laughs, zerberting his little belly, til he wails in giggles.......kissing his little toes, and his little fingers, brushing his soft brown hair off his forehead so he can get a daddy kiss......But instead of all those wonderful things, this year, we will sit inside our closed house, probably with the drapes drawn shut, and just be together. My husband says that he feels that he don't deserve to celebrate this day, because he don't have his son, but he does, only he carries him in his heart and in his memories......That man would be the most awesome, sweetest, caring father, I could ever have dreamt of for my children..I do hope we get the chance to find out...I know that this father's day, there are so many men that will take this day for granted, will look at their kids, and say cool, look at the goofy tie I got this year, but you know, I can guarentee that my husband would give anything to have a stupid tie from his son......(although we will never get him a tie) I guess that I feel the most for the childless father's today and tomorrow, as everyday, because no parent that has never experienced this kind of pain, or loss, they don't know how hard it is to keep going, to hide behind that pain, to put on a smile everyday and face the world, only us, this club of grieving parents that no one wants to be in.. Step into any store in the world and search for a card, you'll NEVER find a card for a bereaved parent, why? Because the world doesn't want to accept, what we have to. They want us to move on, forget, and keep going...How the hell do you keep going, our child died, our precious baby boy, the baby we've longed for for so long, the boy, we've always wanted, the precious baby boy that looks just like his daddy, this is so unfair..All I've ever wanted was to make Aaron a daddy, and I have, but damnit, is it too much to ask to make him a daddy of a living child?

I would never ever wish this pain on any other human out there, cause it sucks, it hurts like nothing I've ever felt before, all I ask, is for the people that don't know what it's like please don't pass judgement on us, please don't expect us to move on, please don't be cold, just understand that we're in a pain that can't easily be squashed, I"m sorry........


Someone once told me that grief comes in waves, like an ocean, I believe that, and I also feel like I'm on the worst wooden rollercoaster ever, that I can't get off of, right now, I'm at the bottom of that rollercoaster, and it hurts, all I want to do is scream, to make this world stop moving, to make the earth stop orbiting around the moon, just to make everything pause, to maybe just allow us to catch our breaths, and catch up.......God say's that he won't give you more than you can handle, well I guess that's true, but I'm having a hell of a time handling this.....

I feel like I'm one that's just sitting here feeling sorry for myself and I hate that, but you know, it just seems as though this fog won't lift over me, this constant black cloud, that hovers 24/7, and lifts temporarily to let me laugh at something goofy one of my cats did....And that's another thing, wasn't it enough that we lost our son, but then we had to lose our precious Frodo as well, and lets not even forget our first 2 losses, the first back in Sept. 06, then Feb. 07, and now my precious Tristan......all because my body sucks, and apparently can't carry a baby....What's wrong with me??? Almost 5 months later and I can still express milk, it's torture, pure torture.....Although ask me if I would do it all over again if the outcome would be the same, and the answer is you're damn right I would, every single second of the 8 months, even if the outcome was the same, so long as I got to hold that precious little boy again, the only thing different I would do, is make sure to take more pictures, to keep him with us longer, maybe all night, I would have taken his clothes off, just to see his belly, and his little chest, and legs, I would take pictures of his little feet, I would make sure I seen Aaron hold him more, I would take pictures of father and son, that's my only regret, is that I don't have those pictures, I wanted pictures of father and son, of my husband holding his son, and I don't have those, there's a few with me holding him, but why not Aaron? Was I so selfish?

I know he don't read this, but Aaron you're an amazing man, and father, I know how you longed to hold your son, to read to him, and to take him hunting, and fishing and camping with you...You would teach him gun safety, and everything a man teaches his son.. I used to picture him standing on a stool, watching you shave pretending to shave too. I can't sit here and pretend that I understand completely how you feel, or how scared you were that day, the day we lost our son, the day you almost lost me, I wish you would open up to me more, but I know you're doing an amazing job on communicating with me, and you're doing so so much better on talking with me, thank you....

Tristan, sweet heart, send you daddy lots of angel kisses.....

Happy father's day honey......

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Rest in Peace Mommy

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