Our Journey.....

January 2001, it was a cold, blistery, icy day in Oklahoma City, the day my future husband asked me to be his girl!!! March 31, 2006 was our wedding day.. We had decided that since we'd already been together for 5 years that we would immediately start trying for a baby. So in April that's what we did.. It took us 3 months and in July we were looking at a positive pregnancy test.. It was the 5th of July.. I remember thinking the 4th that I had to of been pregnant, as the beer just tasted horrible and I was wanting to sleep.. That pregnancy was not the easiest.. We started bleeding from the beginning, it was diagnosed a subchorionic hemorrhage.. It was a huge blood clot between the uterus and placenta.. Well fast forward to 12 weeks after getting off bed rest and having no more bleeding.. We had an ultrasound to find that our precious baby had passed on 3 weeks before.. I had what they called a missed abortion (you won't see me use this term as I HATE it..) So I had to schedule a d n c for the next day.. That morning around 4 am I woke up to severe pains and bleeding only to find out that my body had finally realized that it was miscarrying, so we got bumped up a few hours to do the d n c.. Our dr. sent the 'remains' off to the lab for genetic testing and he called a few weeks later to tell me that our baby was a healthy baby boy.. We named him Xavier Ahren. He was 9 weeks 5 days and our d n c was on 9/19/06.. We were told we could try after our first cycle, so we did, we got pregnant 4 months later, we were excited, yet nervous.. There was no bleeding and our number's were progressing well. Well at 5 weeks we had an u/s.. Nothing but a sac. We were told to come back 2 weeks later, at 7 weeks we went back and still there was only a sac, but a second sac was visible now too..The dr. thought he had seen a second sac at 5 weeks but we didn't think nothing of it.. We were told to come back in a week.. We went back at 8 weeks 3 days, still only a sac, that was starting to shrink, and the second sac completely gone.. We were diagnosed with a blighted ovum and decided to do a d n c right then instead of waiting.. We were devastated, again....We call this baby (well what should have been a baby) February, we needed closure.. well I needed closure) 4 months later, June 27, 2007 could it be? Yes it is, a big fat positive, I couldn't believe it, whoo-hoo we were pregnant again.. I was nervous as all get out, could barely stand myself I was so nervous. We had slight spotting at 5 weeks and went to the ER, only to be told we had a slight subchorionic hemorrhage, you can about guess my nerves shot straight through the roof, great here we go again.... I prepared myself to lose this baby too, but wait, it's 12 weeks and we're still pregnant, and there's a heartbeat?!?! Wow, 19 weeks and it's a BOY?!?! Is this for real? Is this really happening? We're going to be parents for real this time? Little did we know what God had in store for us....... January 21, 2008, Martin Luther King day, Monday, and the beginning of our 33rd week.. Everything started out great, Our little boy had woke me up at 5 am having a little kick-boxing tournament, this was the VERY FIRST time this had ever happened. I went about my morning, got on the computer, was fixing to start chatting with some girlfriends of mine, when I got the most oddest, most painful cramp I've ever gotten.. In all honesty I thought I had to go to the bathroom.. So I finished typing out what I had to say, and headed to the bathroom, the only thing was the pain was overwhelming, I was literally on my tip-toes.. (if I knew then what I know now, I would have just started pushing right then.... :( ) I sat down and hear a pop, gush....My first thought was Oh shit, my water just broke, I'm only 33 weeks, and we still have 7 weeks to go, ok, we can deal with NICU.. But then I look down.. The image I seen will forever haunt me, blood, and lots of it, I've never in all of my life seen so much blood as I did this day.. From here everything went down hill and FAST!! I stood up, grabbed some tissue and put it between my legs and ran to the living room, grabbed the phone, and called my husband, I was so scared, and deep inside, I knew he was gone...But I get a hold of him.. We talk he leaves work.. Well not thinking of the holiday it was I called my dr's office, no answer, I'm starting to feel faint and light headed, so I lay down on the floor, I called the ER and told them what was going on, all they could say is "why are you calling the er?" I just hung up.. Aaron called and was on the phone with 911 when he walked in the house.. He helped me to the living room couch where I laid down and was in so much pain, more pain than I ever imagined possible.. The paramedics showed up. finally.. Well apparently I got the pick of the day, 2 of the most ignorant, most hateful, degrading, pieces of crap people to come help us.. One was a rookie, and the other was a jerk.. The jerk asked me if I was pregnant? Duh, I'm 8 months freaking pregnant!! I'm huge!! He then says "Are you bleeding?" My reply was yes, his was well you miscarried......WHAT?!?! You're seriously going to tell a freaking 8 month pregnant woman that she just miscarried.. I already hated the idiot.. He then asks me if I can get up on my own and move to the gurney, sure I say, and as I do I throw up, he then thrust this bag in my face and say's "throw up in here not in my bus, I just cleaned it" they then proceed to wheel me out of my house, with no blanket on, just panties and a t-shirt.. I asked for my own blanket. Then they wheel me over the stepping stones instead of picking me up and carrying me, this hurt like you wouldn't believe the pain is still very vivid in my mind.. We'd already told them 2 times they've asked what hospital we were going to, twice, Women's and children's.. they get me in the ambulance, and pull out.. They didn't give me oxygen or anything except an iv. of saline.. I keep feeling the need to pass out, and gushes of blood coming out of me.. I told him that I felt like I was going to pass out, and he said there was nothing he could do, I was already laying down. So about this time I look out the window wondering why it's taking so long to get to my hospital, the idiots took me to the wrong hospital... . I keep feeling the need to close my eyes...just go to sleep.. Well they FINALLY get me to Women's and Children's, and upstairs to Labor and Delivery, where I coded, on the spot.. I remember the nurse checking me, and her saying that I was dialated 2 cm, and trying to find Tristan's heartbeat, it wasn't there.. I remember looking to Aaron and saying he's gone honey, my baby's gone, and Aaron, and the nurse both saying no he's probably hiding.. then I vaguely remember hearing Aaron say her eyes are rolling and the nurse saying Oh shit (as she hits the wall) and saying I need help in here.. (Later found out she called a code blue on me).. The next memories are in and out, and still comes back in flashes.. I remember waking in this room, very cold, and 2 people above my head, one woman on man, and I hear them saying we need to intibuate and start cpr, where is everyone at? I remember my dr. Dr. H standing next to me saying "Hi Shannon, it's me Dr. H and there's no fetal heart activity we need to operate immediately to find out where the bleed is before we lose you.. Then I felt him cut me, and everything went black.. The next thing I remember is waking up in the recovery room, looking up and seeing Aaron's face, and knowing that something was VERY wrong.. Then our social worker, Ms. Mary asked me if I would like to hold our son.....This was the first time I seen my little boy, he was gone, lifeless, but the most amazing creature I've ever seen, the most beautiful little boy.. Beings that I had a c section I had to stay in the hospital for a few days.. We were released, on Jan. 24, 2008 and it was hard leaving that hospital with only plants and a memory box full of Tristan's belongings, yet leaving him there.. This blog is full of the last 2 years and the years of battling infertility, and our journey to parent hood, if it's meant to be..

Sunday, June 29, 2008

Where do greiving mother's fit into "real" life

So I have to wonder why is it I feel like I don't fit in anywhere, in life, with other mommies with living children....Only I know where I fit in, and that is with other childless mommies...Why does it have to feel like this, no matter how much I love my friends, and family, I just do not feel like I fit in....All of my friends are getting ready for their babies 1st birthday's, planning parties, and having sleepless nights.....I have sleepless nights, but not because of a little one doing it, but because my brain won't shut down, because I still can't get that freaking night mare out of my mind....The night mare of losing my precious boy.Oh how I miss him......I'm planning a first birthday but more of a tribute birthday to the little boy that never took a breath of earth's air...with balloons, cake, and food, but there will be no baby tearing into his cake, and there will be no baby tearing into presents, there will be balloons going to heaven.....I still have a long 6.5 months before the birthday comes..but watching my friends plan theirs makes me a little jealous that I don't get to. I hear about my friends little ones all the time, and see them as well, and see them growing up and wondering why I don't.. What makes everyone in this world more special than me? Or should I say what makes me so special that God would continuously take our children home with Him, instead of trusting them in our care......

I just battle this thought every day, where do I fit in.?
I fit in with the bereaved mothers....
I fit in with the ttc #1 (living child)
I fit in with the still birth mom's
I fit in with the miscarriage mom's
I fit in with the ttc club
I fit in with moms whose minds wonder off to their little ones,and totally not hear what you're saying..

I hate it and love it that I fit in this crowd,
I love it, because I can at least reach out to at least one angel mommy that needs a shoulder
I love it because I understand.....
I hate it, because I want my children here, I want my Tristan.
I hate it because this pain is the most excruciating, painful pain a parent or human for that matter, to feel.
I hate it because their are so many mommies and daddies, that need, their babies with them and the pain they're going through
I hate it because it screws with the sequence of life, parents ARE NOT SUPPOSED TO BURY THEIR CHILDREN BEFORE THEMSELVES.
I hate it for the impact an infant death, or still birth has on most caring people with a heart......
I hate it when people "forget" or don't know how to say the death of your child.
I hate it when people say stupid shit about it, like oh you'll have more, WTF?? I do want more, but I WANT MY TRISTAN!!!

Now why is it my life is so different, some people seem to think that I want to stay sad and depressed...WTF, as long as I have my heart in my chest, I'm going to be sad and depressed that my son is not here...I don't care, if it's 50 years from now, I'm still going be sad and depressed because he isn't here. But seriously my life has completely changed, I'm angry and bitter, yet calm and loving.. I just sometimes don't really like this new me, because this new me hurts, and cries a lot....I don't think I've gone the full 5 months with out crying at least once a day.. Well I take that back, there are some days that I haven't cried, but the tears were there, the lump in my throat, the blinking back the tears, and just choking it down, yeah that's the feeling I get every single day.....Some people think that I should be 100% ready to leave my house for hours on end, and I'm sorry I'm not ready for that, I don't want to leave Tristan, I know that sounds silly, but that and the fact that the last time I left for an extended period of time my favorite cat died, so I'm a little anxious when I leave my house.....In fact when we did leave for a few hours a couple weeks ago, I made my husband come home to check on my animals...Pitiful, but still, my life has been turned upside down.. And with my parents going through some crap, it's making life really hard to deal with.....Who would have thought at 30 years old your parents divorcing would really bother you this much.......Life is not always as it seems, Life pretty much sucks as far as I can tell, it's been a hell of a 2 years, and the last 5 months has been the most hardest 5 months of my life......Lord knows I wish I could change it all, even what's going on with my parents...But alas I can't, I can only keep my distance, and try and heal over losing my son......I hate it....The morning I lost him, I was talking about travel systems, and coming home outfits, which we had just bought the Saturday before, so 2 days before we lost him, and he never got a chance to see it, wear it, nothing...

Some say "you need to disassemble the nursery, and move on, keeping it up is driving me more crazy...." yes this was actually said to me....How in the world, do you move on.....Why do you see it fit to tell me that I must disassemble my baby's nursery, what planet did you fall from.....Why would anyone expect someone to move on so quickly, oh lets see, I've heard a few, you need to be happy for the people who love you and care about you.. everyone else hurts just as bad as you, but you really must move on, and quit being selfish and living in the grief.....I've heard this a lot for the last 5 months.....oh well.At least my husband has NEVER said anything of the like, and is having just as hard of time as me taking the nursery down.......but today we have been discussing getting a shadow box for his outfit, since it's getting a bit dusty and I have no desire to wash it because it STILL smells like him.....I do want to ttc again, but I'm pretty nervous to be honest...but also have some dental work to get done.......(working on that)but I think I'm scared in all honesty.....but I guess that's to be expected if you almost die from having a serious pregnancy complication....

1 comment:

Colleen said...

Shannon - I think it's a great idea to put Tristan's outfit in a shadow box! And if you feel you want to leave up his nursery, then you should. Hopefully you'll be needing it again soon :)

Rest in Peace Mommy