Our Journey.....

January 2001, it was a cold, blistery, icy day in Oklahoma City, the day my future husband asked me to be his girl!!! March 31, 2006 was our wedding day.. We had decided that since we'd already been together for 5 years that we would immediately start trying for a baby. So in April that's what we did.. It took us 3 months and in July we were looking at a positive pregnancy test.. It was the 5th of July.. I remember thinking the 4th that I had to of been pregnant, as the beer just tasted horrible and I was wanting to sleep.. That pregnancy was not the easiest.. We started bleeding from the beginning, it was diagnosed a subchorionic hemorrhage.. It was a huge blood clot between the uterus and placenta.. Well fast forward to 12 weeks after getting off bed rest and having no more bleeding.. We had an ultrasound to find that our precious baby had passed on 3 weeks before.. I had what they called a missed abortion (you won't see me use this term as I HATE it..) So I had to schedule a d n c for the next day.. That morning around 4 am I woke up to severe pains and bleeding only to find out that my body had finally realized that it was miscarrying, so we got bumped up a few hours to do the d n c.. Our dr. sent the 'remains' off to the lab for genetic testing and he called a few weeks later to tell me that our baby was a healthy baby boy.. We named him Xavier Ahren. He was 9 weeks 5 days and our d n c was on 9/19/06.. We were told we could try after our first cycle, so we did, we got pregnant 4 months later, we were excited, yet nervous.. There was no bleeding and our number's were progressing well. Well at 5 weeks we had an u/s.. Nothing but a sac. We were told to come back 2 weeks later, at 7 weeks we went back and still there was only a sac, but a second sac was visible now too..The dr. thought he had seen a second sac at 5 weeks but we didn't think nothing of it.. We were told to come back in a week.. We went back at 8 weeks 3 days, still only a sac, that was starting to shrink, and the second sac completely gone.. We were diagnosed with a blighted ovum and decided to do a d n c right then instead of waiting.. We were devastated, again....We call this baby (well what should have been a baby) February, we needed closure.. well I needed closure) 4 months later, June 27, 2007 could it be? Yes it is, a big fat positive, I couldn't believe it, whoo-hoo we were pregnant again.. I was nervous as all get out, could barely stand myself I was so nervous. We had slight spotting at 5 weeks and went to the ER, only to be told we had a slight subchorionic hemorrhage, you can about guess my nerves shot straight through the roof, great here we go again.... I prepared myself to lose this baby too, but wait, it's 12 weeks and we're still pregnant, and there's a heartbeat?!?! Wow, 19 weeks and it's a BOY?!?! Is this for real? Is this really happening? We're going to be parents for real this time? Little did we know what God had in store for us....... January 21, 2008, Martin Luther King day, Monday, and the beginning of our 33rd week.. Everything started out great, Our little boy had woke me up at 5 am having a little kick-boxing tournament, this was the VERY FIRST time this had ever happened. I went about my morning, got on the computer, was fixing to start chatting with some girlfriends of mine, when I got the most oddest, most painful cramp I've ever gotten.. In all honesty I thought I had to go to the bathroom.. So I finished typing out what I had to say, and headed to the bathroom, the only thing was the pain was overwhelming, I was literally on my tip-toes.. (if I knew then what I know now, I would have just started pushing right then.... :( ) I sat down and hear a pop, gush....My first thought was Oh shit, my water just broke, I'm only 33 weeks, and we still have 7 weeks to go, ok, we can deal with NICU.. But then I look down.. The image I seen will forever haunt me, blood, and lots of it, I've never in all of my life seen so much blood as I did this day.. From here everything went down hill and FAST!! I stood up, grabbed some tissue and put it between my legs and ran to the living room, grabbed the phone, and called my husband, I was so scared, and deep inside, I knew he was gone...But I get a hold of him.. We talk he leaves work.. Well not thinking of the holiday it was I called my dr's office, no answer, I'm starting to feel faint and light headed, so I lay down on the floor, I called the ER and told them what was going on, all they could say is "why are you calling the er?" I just hung up.. Aaron called and was on the phone with 911 when he walked in the house.. He helped me to the living room couch where I laid down and was in so much pain, more pain than I ever imagined possible.. The paramedics showed up. finally.. Well apparently I got the pick of the day, 2 of the most ignorant, most hateful, degrading, pieces of crap people to come help us.. One was a rookie, and the other was a jerk.. The jerk asked me if I was pregnant? Duh, I'm 8 months freaking pregnant!! I'm huge!! He then says "Are you bleeding?" My reply was yes, his was well you miscarried......WHAT?!?! You're seriously going to tell a freaking 8 month pregnant woman that she just miscarried.. I already hated the idiot.. He then asks me if I can get up on my own and move to the gurney, sure I say, and as I do I throw up, he then thrust this bag in my face and say's "throw up in here not in my bus, I just cleaned it" they then proceed to wheel me out of my house, with no blanket on, just panties and a t-shirt.. I asked for my own blanket. Then they wheel me over the stepping stones instead of picking me up and carrying me, this hurt like you wouldn't believe the pain is still very vivid in my mind.. We'd already told them 2 times they've asked what hospital we were going to, twice, Women's and children's.. they get me in the ambulance, and pull out.. They didn't give me oxygen or anything except an iv. of saline.. I keep feeling the need to pass out, and gushes of blood coming out of me.. I told him that I felt like I was going to pass out, and he said there was nothing he could do, I was already laying down. So about this time I look out the window wondering why it's taking so long to get to my hospital, the idiots took me to the wrong hospital... . I keep feeling the need to close my eyes...just go to sleep.. Well they FINALLY get me to Women's and Children's, and upstairs to Labor and Delivery, where I coded, on the spot.. I remember the nurse checking me, and her saying that I was dialated 2 cm, and trying to find Tristan's heartbeat, it wasn't there.. I remember looking to Aaron and saying he's gone honey, my baby's gone, and Aaron, and the nurse both saying no he's probably hiding.. then I vaguely remember hearing Aaron say her eyes are rolling and the nurse saying Oh shit (as she hits the wall) and saying I need help in here.. (Later found out she called a code blue on me).. The next memories are in and out, and still comes back in flashes.. I remember waking in this room, very cold, and 2 people above my head, one woman on man, and I hear them saying we need to intibuate and start cpr, where is everyone at? I remember my dr. Dr. H standing next to me saying "Hi Shannon, it's me Dr. H and there's no fetal heart activity we need to operate immediately to find out where the bleed is before we lose you.. Then I felt him cut me, and everything went black.. The next thing I remember is waking up in the recovery room, looking up and seeing Aaron's face, and knowing that something was VERY wrong.. Then our social worker, Ms. Mary asked me if I would like to hold our son.....This was the first time I seen my little boy, he was gone, lifeless, but the most amazing creature I've ever seen, the most beautiful little boy.. Beings that I had a c section I had to stay in the hospital for a few days.. We were released, on Jan. 24, 2008 and it was hard leaving that hospital with only plants and a memory box full of Tristan's belongings, yet leaving him there.. This blog is full of the last 2 years and the years of battling infertility, and our journey to parent hood, if it's meant to be..

Sunday, June 29, 2008

Where do greiving mother's fit into "real" life

So I have to wonder why is it I feel like I don't fit in anywhere, in life, with other mommies with living children....Only I know where I fit in, and that is with other childless mommies...Why does it have to feel like this, no matter how much I love my friends, and family, I just do not feel like I fit in....All of my friends are getting ready for their babies 1st birthday's, planning parties, and having sleepless nights.....I have sleepless nights, but not because of a little one doing it, but because my brain won't shut down, because I still can't get that freaking night mare out of my mind....The night mare of losing my precious boy.Oh how I miss him......I'm planning a first birthday but more of a tribute birthday to the little boy that never took a breath of earth's air...with balloons, cake, and food, but there will be no baby tearing into his cake, and there will be no baby tearing into presents, there will be balloons going to heaven.....I still have a long 6.5 months before the birthday comes..but watching my friends plan theirs makes me a little jealous that I don't get to. I hear about my friends little ones all the time, and see them as well, and see them growing up and wondering why I don't.. What makes everyone in this world more special than me? Or should I say what makes me so special that God would continuously take our children home with Him, instead of trusting them in our care......

I just battle this thought every day, where do I fit in.?
I fit in with the bereaved mothers....
I fit in with the ttc #1 (living child)
I fit in with the still birth mom's
I fit in with the miscarriage mom's
I fit in with the ttc club
I fit in with moms whose minds wonder off to their little ones,and totally not hear what you're saying..

I hate it and love it that I fit in this crowd,
I love it, because I can at least reach out to at least one angel mommy that needs a shoulder
I love it because I understand.....
I hate it, because I want my children here, I want my Tristan.
I hate it because this pain is the most excruciating, painful pain a parent or human for that matter, to feel.
I hate it because their are so many mommies and daddies, that need, their babies with them and the pain they're going through
I hate it because it screws with the sequence of life, parents ARE NOT SUPPOSED TO BURY THEIR CHILDREN BEFORE THEMSELVES.
I hate it for the impact an infant death, or still birth has on most caring people with a heart......
I hate it when people "forget" or don't know how to say the death of your child.
I hate it when people say stupid shit about it, like oh you'll have more, WTF?? I do want more, but I WANT MY TRISTAN!!!


Now why is it my life is so different, some people seem to think that I want to stay sad and depressed...WTF, as long as I have my heart in my chest, I'm going to be sad and depressed that my son is not here...I don't care, if it's 50 years from now, I'm still going be sad and depressed because he isn't here. But seriously my life has completely changed, I'm angry and bitter, yet calm and loving.. I just sometimes don't really like this new me, because this new me hurts, and cries a lot....I don't think I've gone the full 5 months with out crying at least once a day.. Well I take that back, there are some days that I haven't cried, but the tears were there, the lump in my throat, the blinking back the tears, and just choking it down, yeah that's the feeling I get every single day.....Some people think that I should be 100% ready to leave my house for hours on end, and I'm sorry I'm not ready for that, I don't want to leave Tristan, I know that sounds silly, but that and the fact that the last time I left for an extended period of time my favorite cat died, so I'm a little anxious when I leave my house.....In fact when we did leave for a few hours a couple weeks ago, I made my husband come home to check on my animals...Pitiful, but still, my life has been turned upside down.. And with my parents going through some crap, it's making life really hard to deal with.....Who would have thought at 30 years old your parents divorcing would really bother you this much.......Life is not always as it seems, Life pretty much sucks as far as I can tell, it's been a hell of a 2 years, and the last 5 months has been the most hardest 5 months of my life......Lord knows I wish I could change it all, even what's going on with my parents...But alas I can't, I can only keep my distance, and try and heal over losing my son......I hate it....The morning I lost him, I was talking about travel systems, and coming home outfits, which we had just bought the Saturday before, so 2 days before we lost him, and he never got a chance to see it, wear it, nothing...

Some say "you need to disassemble the nursery, and move on, keeping it up is driving me more crazy...." yes this was actually said to me....How in the world, do you move on.....Why do you see it fit to tell me that I must disassemble my baby's nursery, what planet did you fall from.....Why would anyone expect someone to move on so quickly, oh lets see, I've heard a few, you need to be happy for the people who love you and care about you.. everyone else hurts just as bad as you, but you really must move on, and quit being selfish and living in the grief.....I've heard this a lot for the last 5 months.....oh well.At least my husband has NEVER said anything of the like, and is having just as hard of time as me taking the nursery down.......but today we have been discussing getting a shadow box for his outfit, since it's getting a bit dusty and I have no desire to wash it because it STILL smells like him.....I do want to ttc again, but I'm pretty nervous to be honest...but also have some dental work to get done.......(working on that)but I think I'm scared in all honesty.....but I guess that's to be expected if you almost die from having a serious pregnancy complication....

Where do greiving mother's fit into "real" life

So I have to wonder why is it I feel like I don't fit in anywhere, in life, with other mommies with living children....Only I know where I fit in, and that is with other childless mommies...Why does it have to feel like this, no matter how much I love my friends, and family, I just do not feel like I fit in....All of my friends are getting ready for their babies 1st birthday's, planning parties, and having sleepless nights.....I have sleepless nights, but not because of a little one doing it, but because my brain won't shut down, because I still can't get that freaking night mare out of my mind....The night mare of losing my precious boy.Oh how I miss him......I'm planning a first birthday but more of a tribute birthday to the little boy that never took a breath of earth's air...with balloons, cake, and food, but there will be no baby tearing into his cake, and there will be no baby tearing into presents, there will be balloons going to heaven.....I still have a long 6.5 months before the birthday comes..but watching my friends plan theirs makes me a little jealous that I don't get to. I hear about my friends little ones all the time, and see them as well, and see them growing up and wondering why I don't.. What makes everyone in this world more special than me? Or should I say what makes me so special that God would continuously take our children home with Him, instead of trusting them in our care......

I just battle this thought every day, where do I fit in.?
I fit in with the bereaved mothers....
I fit in with the ttc #1 (living child)
I fit in with the still birth mom's
I fit in with the miscarriage mom's
I fit in with the ttc club
I fit in with moms whose minds wonder off to their little ones,and totally not hear what you're saying..

I hate it and love it that I fit in this crowd,
I love it, because I can at least reach out to at least one angel mommy that needs a shoulder
I love it because I understand.....
I hate it, because I want my children here, I want my Tristan.
I hate it because this pain is the most excruciating, painful pain a parent or human for that matter, to feel.
I hate it because their are so many mommies and daddies, that need, their babies with them and the pain they're going through
I hate it because it screws with the sequence of life, parents ARE NOT SUPPOSED TO BURY THEIR CHILDREN BEFORE THEMSELVES.
I hate it for the impact an infant death, or still birth has on most caring people with a heart......
I hate it when people "forget" or don't know how to say the death of your child.
I hate it when people say stupid shit about it, like oh you'll have more, WTF?? I do want more, but I WANT MY TRISTAN!!!


Now why is it my life is so different, some people seem to think that I want to stay sad and depressed...WTF, as long as I have my heart in my chest, I'm going to be sad and depressed that my son is not here...I don't care, if it's 50 years from now, I'm still going be sad and depressed because he isn't here. But seriously my life has completely changed, I'm angry and bitter, yet calm and loving.. I just sometimes don't really like this new me, because this new me hurts, and cries a lot....I don't think I've gone the full 5 months with out crying at least once a day.. Well I take that back, there are some days that I haven't cried, but the tears were there, the lump in my throat, the blinking back the tears, and just choking it down, yeah that's the feeling I get every single day.....Some people think that I should be 100% ready to leave my house for hours on end, and I'm sorry I'm not ready for that, I don't want to leave Tristan, I know that sounds silly, but that and the fact that the last time I left for an extended period of time my favorite cat died, so I'm a little anxious when I leave my house.....In fact when we did leave for a few hours a couple weeks ago, I made my husband come home to check on my animals...Pitiful, but still, my life has been turned upside down.. And with my parents going through some crap, it's making life really hard to deal with.....Who would have thought at 30 years old your parents divorcing would really bother you this much.......Life is not always as it seems, Life pretty much sucks as far as I can tell, it's been a hell of a 2 years, and the last 5 months has been the most hardest 5 months of my life......Lord knows I wish I could change it all, even what's going on with my parents...But alas I can't, I can only keep my distance, and try and heal over losing my son......I hate it....The morning I lost him, I was talking about travel systems, and coming home outfits, which we had just bought the Saturday before, so 2 days before we lost him, and he never got a chance to see it, wear it, nothing...

Some say "you need to disassemble the nursery, and move on, keeping it up is driving me more crazy...." yes this was actually said to me....How in the world, do you move on.....Why do you see it fit to tell me that I must disassemble my baby's nursery, what planet did you fall from.....Why would anyone expect someone to move on so quickly, oh lets see, I've heard a few, you need to be happy for the people who love you and care about you.. everyone else hurts just as bad as you, but you really must move on, and quit being selfish and living in the grief.....I've heard this a lot for the last 5 months.....oh well.At least my husband has NEVER said anything of the like, and is having just as hard of time as me taking the nursery down.......but today we have been discussing getting a shadow box for his outfit, since it's getting a bit dusty and I have no desire to wash it because it STILL smells like him.....I do want to ttc again, but I'm pretty nervous to be honest...but also have some dental work to get done.......(working on that)but I think I'm scared in all honesty.....but I guess that's to be expected if you almost die from having a serious pregnancy complication....

Sunday, June 15, 2008

TODAY

Today was father's day, and it sucked, for many reasons...My husband is a childless father, we have 3 children that don't run, they don't play on earth, they fly with the angels, and they look down on us daily as our personal angels..Why? Why does it hurt so fucking bad?? Why can't the pain end?? When do we get our break?? All I ever wanted was to be a mommy, and I can't even do that right.....I'm so broken, and I feel like a shattered shell of the person I once was. I can't expect anyone to understand exactly how I feel, I wouldn't want them to, I hate this more than anything. Today we should have been taking our little boy to the park, and playing with him, and I should have been getting lots of pictures of my husband and our boy, but instead I sat home all day and bawled, I folded and hung up Tristan's clothes, and put them in the dresser and closet, I folded his blankets and put in the drawer under the crib, I feel the urge to finish his room so that he knows I didn't forget.....I just wish I could have 5 more minutes with him, I just want to hold him in my arms again. I want to see my husband hold his son. I want to kiss my son again.. There's a lot of people that think I should be back to my old self again, and I wonder if that person will really ever come back...... NOT ONE PERSON bothered to call and wish my husband a happy father's day, that's really sad, that's ok, I do want the world to know that JUST BECAUSE WE DON'T HAVE OUR CHILDREN LIVING HERE ON EARTH WITH US, WE'RE STILL PARENTS.....So you get to look at your babies everyday and kiss their little cheeks, we don't.... Today also signifies a year ago we conceived our boy.........
We love you Tristan forever and always sweet boy..


Tristan your daddy and I love you tenderly with every inch of our souls.... I can honestly say that there isn't a second that you're not on my mind. I do look for you everywhere, in every baby's face, and even though I know it's not you, I can see you, and imagine exactly what you would be doing....You would be coming up on 5 months, so I'm sure we'd be starting you on some cereal, and baby food, I think you'd probably be trying to crawl, there's a big baby boy sized hole in my heart that is screaming for you....I love you Tristan, I want you back, I want you in my arms again.....Daddy and I will never ever forget you, nor will we ever stop loving you......Please be good and play with your brothers and Frodo, give Frodo a big kiss for mommy and let him know how much I love him........

Love you always,
Daddy and Mommy

TODAY

Today was father's day, and it sucked, for many reasons...My husband is a childless father, we have 3 children that don't run, they don't play on earth, they fly with the angels, and they look down on us daily as our personal angels..Why? Why does it hurt so fucking bad?? Why can't the pain end?? When do we get our break?? All I ever wanted was to be a mommy, and I can't even do that right.....I'm so broken, and I feel like a shattered shell of the person I once was. I can't expect anyone to understand exactly how I feel, I wouldn't want them to, I hate this more than anything. Today we should have been taking our little boy to the park, and playing with him, and I should have been getting lots of pictures of my husband and our boy, but instead I sat home all day and bawled, I folded and hung up Tristan's clothes, and put them in the dresser and closet, I folded his blankets and put in the drawer under the crib, I feel the urge to finish his room so that he knows I didn't forget.....I just wish I could have 5 more minutes with him, I just want to hold him in my arms again. I want to see my husband hold his son. I want to kiss my son again.. There's a lot of people that think I should be back to my old self again, and I wonder if that person will really ever come back...... NOT ONE PERSON bothered to call and wish my husband a happy father's day, that's really sad, that's ok, I do want the world to know that JUST BECAUSE WE DON'T HAVE OUR CHILDREN LIVING HERE ON EARTH WITH US, WE'RE STILL PARENTS.....So you get to look at your babies everyday and kiss their little cheeks, we don't.... Today also signifies a year ago we conceived our boy.........
We love you Tristan forever and always sweet boy..


Tristan your daddy and I love you tenderly with every inch of our souls.... I can honestly say that there isn't a second that you're not on my mind. I do look for you everywhere, in every baby's face, and even though I know it's not you, I can see you, and imagine exactly what you would be doing....You would be coming up on 5 months, so I'm sure we'd be starting you on some cereal, and baby food, I think you'd probably be trying to crawl, there's a big baby boy sized hole in my heart that is screaming for you....I love you Tristan, I want you back, I want you in my arms again.....Daddy and I will never ever forget you, nor will we ever stop loving you......Please be good and play with your brothers and Frodo, give Frodo a big kiss for mommy and let him know how much I love him........

Love you always,
Daddy and Mommy

depression

This shit takes ahold of you, and grips you so tightly, not letting you out of it's grasps.....why? why can't I just be me again? Why is it all I want to do is cry? I hate it! I hate crying! I want my life back, I want to be me again.....

depression

This shit takes ahold of you, and grips you so tightly, not letting you out of it's grasps.....why? why can't I just be me again? Why is it all I want to do is cry? I hate it! I hate crying! I want my life back, I want to be me again.....

Saturday, June 14, 2008

A year ago, Father's Day

A year ago Father's day landed on June 17th, you ask, how do you know and why? Well I'll never forget 6/17/07 as long as I live, that was the night that our sweet little Tristan was conceived, now this father's day, my sweet and loving husband is celebrating this day with no son, with only the memory and pictures of what should have been.....Instead of looking at a picture of our son, and wishing, my husband should be playing with our son, throwing him up in the air and catching him while he just laughs and laughs, zerberting his little belly, til he wails in giggles.......kissing his little toes, and his little fingers, brushing his soft brown hair off his forehead so he can get a daddy kiss......But instead of all those wonderful things, this year, we will sit inside our closed house, probably with the drapes drawn shut, and just be together. My husband says that he feels that he don't deserve to celebrate this day, because he don't have his son, but he does, only he carries him in his heart and in his memories......That man would be the most awesome, sweetest, caring father, I could ever have dreamt of for my children..I do hope we get the chance to find out...I know that this father's day, there are so many men that will take this day for granted, will look at their kids, and say cool, look at the goofy tie I got this year, but you know, I can guarentee that my husband would give anything to have a stupid tie from his son......(although we will never get him a tie) I guess that I feel the most for the childless father's today and tomorrow, as everyday, because no parent that has never experienced this kind of pain, or loss, they don't know how hard it is to keep going, to hide behind that pain, to put on a smile everyday and face the world, only us, this club of grieving parents that no one wants to be in.. Step into any store in the world and search for a card, you'll NEVER find a card for a bereaved parent, why? Because the world doesn't want to accept, what we have to. They want us to move on, forget, and keep going...How the hell do you keep going, our child died, our precious baby boy, the baby we've longed for for so long, the boy, we've always wanted, the precious baby boy that looks just like his daddy, this is so unfair..All I've ever wanted was to make Aaron a daddy, and I have, but damnit, is it too much to ask to make him a daddy of a living child?

I would never ever wish this pain on any other human out there, cause it sucks, it hurts like nothing I've ever felt before, all I ask, is for the people that don't know what it's like please don't pass judgement on us, please don't expect us to move on, please don't be cold, just understand that we're in a pain that can't easily be squashed, I"m sorry........


Someone once told me that grief comes in waves, like an ocean, I believe that, and I also feel like I'm on the worst wooden rollercoaster ever, that I can't get off of, right now, I'm at the bottom of that rollercoaster, and it hurts, all I want to do is scream, to make this world stop moving, to make the earth stop orbiting around the moon, just to make everything pause, to maybe just allow us to catch our breaths, and catch up.......God say's that he won't give you more than you can handle, well I guess that's true, but I'm having a hell of a time handling this.....

I feel like I'm one that's just sitting here feeling sorry for myself and I hate that, but you know, it just seems as though this fog won't lift over me, this constant black cloud, that hovers 24/7, and lifts temporarily to let me laugh at something goofy one of my cats did....And that's another thing, wasn't it enough that we lost our son, but then we had to lose our precious Frodo as well, and lets not even forget our first 2 losses, the first back in Sept. 06, then Feb. 07, and now my precious Tristan......all because my body sucks, and apparently can't carry a baby....What's wrong with me??? Almost 5 months later and I can still express milk, it's torture, pure torture.....Although ask me if I would do it all over again if the outcome would be the same, and the answer is you're damn right I would, every single second of the 8 months, even if the outcome was the same, so long as I got to hold that precious little boy again, the only thing different I would do, is make sure to take more pictures, to keep him with us longer, maybe all night, I would have taken his clothes off, just to see his belly, and his little chest, and legs, I would take pictures of his little feet, I would make sure I seen Aaron hold him more, I would take pictures of father and son, that's my only regret, is that I don't have those pictures, I wanted pictures of father and son, of my husband holding his son, and I don't have those, there's a few with me holding him, but why not Aaron? Was I so selfish?

I know he don't read this, but Aaron you're an amazing man, and father, I know how you longed to hold your son, to read to him, and to take him hunting, and fishing and camping with you...You would teach him gun safety, and everything a man teaches his son.. I used to picture him standing on a stool, watching you shave pretending to shave too. I can't sit here and pretend that I understand completely how you feel, or how scared you were that day, the day we lost our son, the day you almost lost me, I wish you would open up to me more, but I know you're doing an amazing job on communicating with me, and you're doing so so much better on talking with me, thank you....

Tristan, sweet heart, send you daddy lots of angel kisses.....

Happy father's day honey......

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A year ago, Father's Day

A year ago Father's day landed on June 17th, you ask, how do you know and why? Well I'll never forget 6/17/07 as long as I live, that was the night that our sweet little Tristan was conceived, now this father's day, my sweet and loving husband is celebrating this day with no son, with only the memory and pictures of what should have been.....Instead of looking at a picture of our son, and wishing, my husband should be playing with our son, throwing him up in the air and catching him while he just laughs and laughs, zerberting his little belly, til he wails in giggles.......kissing his little toes, and his little fingers, brushing his soft brown hair off his forehead so he can get a daddy kiss......But instead of all those wonderful things, this year, we will sit inside our closed house, probably with the drapes drawn shut, and just be together. My husband says that he feels that he don't deserve to celebrate this day, because he don't have his son, but he does, only he carries him in his heart and in his memories......That man would be the most awesome, sweetest, caring father, I could ever have dreamt of for my children..I do hope we get the chance to find out...I know that this father's day, there are so many men that will take this day for granted, will look at their kids, and say cool, look at the goofy tie I got this year, but you know, I can guarentee that my husband would give anything to have a stupid tie from his son......(although we will never get him a tie) I guess that I feel the most for the childless father's today and tomorrow, as everyday, because no parent that has never experienced this kind of pain, or loss, they don't know how hard it is to keep going, to hide behind that pain, to put on a smile everyday and face the world, only us, this club of grieving parents that no one wants to be in.. Step into any store in the world and search for a card, you'll NEVER find a card for a bereaved parent, why? Because the world doesn't want to accept, what we have to. They want us to move on, forget, and keep going...How the hell do you keep going, our child died, our precious baby boy, the baby we've longed for for so long, the boy, we've always wanted, the precious baby boy that looks just like his daddy, this is so unfair..All I've ever wanted was to make Aaron a daddy, and I have, but damnit, is it too much to ask to make him a daddy of a living child?

I would never ever wish this pain on any other human out there, cause it sucks, it hurts like nothing I've ever felt before, all I ask, is for the people that don't know what it's like please don't pass judgement on us, please don't expect us to move on, please don't be cold, just understand that we're in a pain that can't easily be squashed, I"m sorry........


Someone once told me that grief comes in waves, like an ocean, I believe that, and I also feel like I'm on the worst wooden rollercoaster ever, that I can't get off of, right now, I'm at the bottom of that rollercoaster, and it hurts, all I want to do is scream, to make this world stop moving, to make the earth stop orbiting around the moon, just to make everything pause, to maybe just allow us to catch our breaths, and catch up.......God say's that he won't give you more than you can handle, well I guess that's true, but I'm having a hell of a time handling this.....

I feel like I'm one that's just sitting here feeling sorry for myself and I hate that, but you know, it just seems as though this fog won't lift over me, this constant black cloud, that hovers 24/7, and lifts temporarily to let me laugh at something goofy one of my cats did....And that's another thing, wasn't it enough that we lost our son, but then we had to lose our precious Frodo as well, and lets not even forget our first 2 losses, the first back in Sept. 06, then Feb. 07, and now my precious Tristan......all because my body sucks, and apparently can't carry a baby....What's wrong with me??? Almost 5 months later and I can still express milk, it's torture, pure torture.....Although ask me if I would do it all over again if the outcome would be the same, and the answer is you're damn right I would, every single second of the 8 months, even if the outcome was the same, so long as I got to hold that precious little boy again, the only thing different I would do, is make sure to take more pictures, to keep him with us longer, maybe all night, I would have taken his clothes off, just to see his belly, and his little chest, and legs, I would take pictures of his little feet, I would make sure I seen Aaron hold him more, I would take pictures of father and son, that's my only regret, is that I don't have those pictures, I wanted pictures of father and son, of my husband holding his son, and I don't have those, there's a few with me holding him, but why not Aaron? Was I so selfish?

I know he don't read this, but Aaron you're an amazing man, and father, I know how you longed to hold your son, to read to him, and to take him hunting, and fishing and camping with you...You would teach him gun safety, and everything a man teaches his son.. I used to picture him standing on a stool, watching you shave pretending to shave too. I can't sit here and pretend that I understand completely how you feel, or how scared you were that day, the day we lost our son, the day you almost lost me, I wish you would open up to me more, but I know you're doing an amazing job on communicating with me, and you're doing so so much better on talking with me, thank you....

Tristan, sweet heart, send you daddy lots of angel kisses.....

Happy father's day honey......

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Thursday, June 12, 2008

when will it stop hurting so bad




Why can't I just be happy? Why does it hurt so bad? When will the pain end? Granted some days are easy to deal with the pain and smile when I think of my son, or look at his pictures, and then there are days like today, when I feel like it's happening all over again and the pain is as raw as it was that day... I've noticed a lot of changes about me lately, I am not the same person, my fuse is shorter, I don't want to go anywhere, I don't want to let him go.....If I let him go, I'm afraid I'll forget. I don't want to forget that day for the life of me, ever, I don't want to forget the scariness that I almost died too, because that was part of his birth, I don't want to forget, his little wrinkle in his toe, or the soft feel of his cheek, or the velvety feeling of his hair...I don't want to forget him, I don't want to forget the way he felt in my arms, but I'm afraid I am, and it's killing me, what kind of mother forgets these things? I don't want to forget the severe cramp, or bleeding, because that's forgetting how he got here, I don't want to let him go, I want him back, Why can't I just have him back? I miss him so much and this is fucking killing me, I'm just a shell of the woman I was just 4.5 months ago, I'm a shell of a woman I was 2 years ago when I married my husband....why do the months continue on? Doesn't the world see that I'm suffering and the world just keeps speeding by, it can't even slow down enough to allow me to catch up....I hate me......I hate the woman I've become, I'm angry, bitter, say mean things to people when I just should let it go, (but when that someone hurt my family (little sister) I just can't let it go, but I certainly shouldn't have said some of the things I said to him).. Why am I so jealous of my dearest friends, that's getting surprises of being pg with # 2, that should make me beyond thrilled for them, which I am no doubt about it, our little "family's" continuing to grow, but, I apologize when I say this, it hurts like hell, just like my family, they're having babies left and right,and I get told when I'm feeling down about it, oh well you're not trying anyway, like just because we're not actively ttc, that should take the sting away, it don't, it makes it harder because if we were actively ttc, we would be pg by now, I'm sure of it.......But we've opted to get my mouth taken care of before ttc again...... I just really shouldn't even be worrying about ttc, I should be taking care of an almost 5 month old baby, worrying about getting some good sleep, starting solids, speaking his baby language, babbling, possibly crawling, but nope, I'm curled up on my couch bawling my eyes out day after day for a son that I will never get to do anything with.....Why does it have to hurt so badly??? Father's day is approaching, a year ago father's day, Tristan was conceived, this was supposed to be a very blessed and happy father's day, as it was Aaron's first, and even though it still is, he's a childless father this year, and it hurts me like hell to see the pain in his eyes, the tears that well up but never fall, the crack in his voice, GOD DO YOU HEAR ME?????? IT HURTS, IT HURTS LIKE HELL!!

I am having a hard time remembering what it felt like to be pregnant........that fucking sucks........

Every day is a battle, a battle to get up, to shower, to excercise, and even eat sometimes.......well let me rephrase that every day is a battle but some days the battle isn't as hard to win, but most it is......

Tristan,
mommy and daddy loves you so much, I still can't bring myself to wash your little outfit, I'm afraid to, I want your smell to forever stay in it, but now it's getting so dusty..but still I can't wash it. I smell you every day, I talk to you every day, did you see the little toy that daddy bought you, it's so cute, I think you'd just laugh at it!! I hope that you're playing with Xavier and your other little brother/sister, and of course I hope you're playing with our little Frodo, he's a character huh?? Baby, mommy and daddy want to ask you to give great Granny, Grandma Goodwin (rainbow gma) Grandpa Goodwin, Maw Maw, Grandpa Warner, and everyone else up there lots and lots of kisses from us...We miss you terribly and love you with every inch of our being precious boy!!
Love mommy and daddy.....


I made this image for my husband for father's day, he loves it,

when will it stop hurting so bad




Why can't I just be happy? Why does it hurt so bad? When will the pain end? Granted some days are easy to deal with the pain and smile when I think of my son, or look at his pictures, and then there are days like today, when I feel like it's happening all over again and the pain is as raw as it was that day... I've noticed a lot of changes about me lately, I am not the same person, my fuse is shorter, I don't want to go anywhere, I don't want to let him go.....If I let him go, I'm afraid I'll forget. I don't want to forget that day for the life of me, ever, I don't want to forget the scariness that I almost died too, because that was part of his birth, I don't want to forget, his little wrinkle in his toe, or the soft feel of his cheek, or the velvety feeling of his hair...I don't want to forget him, I don't want to forget the way he felt in my arms, but I'm afraid I am, and it's killing me, what kind of mother forgets these things? I don't want to forget the severe cramp, or bleeding, because that's forgetting how he got here, I don't want to let him go, I want him back, Why can't I just have him back? I miss him so much and this is fucking killing me, I'm just a shell of the woman I was just 4.5 months ago, I'm a shell of a woman I was 2 years ago when I married my husband....why do the months continue on? Doesn't the world see that I'm suffering and the world just keeps speeding by, it can't even slow down enough to allow me to catch up....I hate me......I hate the woman I've become, I'm angry, bitter, say mean things to people when I just should let it go, (but when that someone hurt my family (little sister) I just can't let it go, but I certainly shouldn't have said some of the things I said to him).. Why am I so jealous of my dearest friends, that's getting surprises of being pg with # 2, that should make me beyond thrilled for them, which I am no doubt about it, our little "family's" continuing to grow, but, I apologize when I say this, it hurts like hell, just like my family, they're having babies left and right,and I get told when I'm feeling down about it, oh well you're not trying anyway, like just because we're not actively ttc, that should take the sting away, it don't, it makes it harder because if we were actively ttc, we would be pg by now, I'm sure of it.......But we've opted to get my mouth taken care of before ttc again...... I just really shouldn't even be worrying about ttc, I should be taking care of an almost 5 month old baby, worrying about getting some good sleep, starting solids, speaking his baby language, babbling, possibly crawling, but nope, I'm curled up on my couch bawling my eyes out day after day for a son that I will never get to do anything with.....Why does it have to hurt so badly??? Father's day is approaching, a year ago father's day, Tristan was conceived, this was supposed to be a very blessed and happy father's day, as it was Aaron's first, and even though it still is, he's a childless father this year, and it hurts me like hell to see the pain in his eyes, the tears that well up but never fall, the crack in his voice, GOD DO YOU HEAR ME?????? IT HURTS, IT HURTS LIKE HELL!!

I am having a hard time remembering what it felt like to be pregnant........that fucking sucks........

Every day is a battle, a battle to get up, to shower, to excercise, and even eat sometimes.......well let me rephrase that every day is a battle but some days the battle isn't as hard to win, but most it is......

Tristan,
mommy and daddy loves you so much, I still can't bring myself to wash your little outfit, I'm afraid to, I want your smell to forever stay in it, but now it's getting so dusty..but still I can't wash it. I smell you every day, I talk to you every day, did you see the little toy that daddy bought you, it's so cute, I think you'd just laugh at it!! I hope that you're playing with Xavier and your other little brother/sister, and of course I hope you're playing with our little Frodo, he's a character huh?? Baby, mommy and daddy want to ask you to give great Granny, Grandma Goodwin (rainbow gma) Grandpa Goodwin, Maw Maw, Grandpa Warner, and everyone else up there lots and lots of kisses from us...We miss you terribly and love you with every inch of our being precious boy!!
Love mommy and daddy.....


I made this image for my husband for father's day, he loves it,

Monday, June 2, 2008

TRISTAN'S BEARS

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Yeah I'm proud to announce that I'm officially going to get Tristan's Bears off the ground, I'm so excited, I think my little guy would be so proud.....You see the meaning behind Tristan's Bears is to give other mother's and father's something to help fill the empty arms they have after losing their precious baby....Our hospitals didn't offer us a teddy bear, however their other bereavement services go above and beyond, although there are things they could incorporate into their services, but I like the idea of a teddy bear, a girl that I met on the Share boards told me that she used a rice sock, a wonderful idea that was, but what if I had something that was a little softer, and something that I could pose the way I wanted to pose it, that's it, I go into Tristan's room, where I find a teddy bear of mine that I've had a few years, well that teddy bear that we named Tag, now sleeps with us, has now for 4 months....Tag of course is named after our boy Tristan Alexander Goodwin. So I'm wanting to share that feeling with other mother's, and father's (yes, my husband has even been known to snuggle up to Tag) No it could NEVER replace our son, but it's helped to fill that ache in my arms, no mother should have to ache to hold their child, and no a teddy bear is nothing like a child, I just hope that I can send at least 1 mother some comfort in knowing that she's not alone......
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TRISTAN'S BEARS

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Yeah I'm proud to announce that I'm officially going to get Tristan's Bears off the ground, I'm so excited, I think my little guy would be so proud.....You see the meaning behind Tristan's Bears is to give other mother's and father's something to help fill the empty arms they have after losing their precious baby....Our hospitals didn't offer us a teddy bear, however their other bereavement services go above and beyond, although there are things they could incorporate into their services, but I like the idea of a teddy bear, a girl that I met on the Share boards told me that she used a rice sock, a wonderful idea that was, but what if I had something that was a little softer, and something that I could pose the way I wanted to pose it, that's it, I go into Tristan's room, where I find a teddy bear of mine that I've had a few years, well that teddy bear that we named Tag, now sleeps with us, has now for 4 months....Tag of course is named after our boy Tristan Alexander Goodwin. So I'm wanting to share that feeling with other mother's, and father's (yes, my husband has even been known to snuggle up to Tag) No it could NEVER replace our son, but it's helped to fill that ache in my arms, no mother should have to ache to hold their child, and no a teddy bear is nothing like a child, I just hope that I can send at least 1 mother some comfort in knowing that she's not alone......
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Rest in Peace Mommy

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