Our Journey.....

January 2001, it was a cold, blistery, icy day in Oklahoma City, the day my future husband asked me to be his girl!!! March 31, 2006 was our wedding day.. We had decided that since we'd already been together for 5 years that we would immediately start trying for a baby. So in April that's what we did.. It took us 3 months and in July we were looking at a positive pregnancy test.. It was the 5th of July.. I remember thinking the 4th that I had to of been pregnant, as the beer just tasted horrible and I was wanting to sleep.. That pregnancy was not the easiest.. We started bleeding from the beginning, it was diagnosed a subchorionic hemorrhage.. It was a huge blood clot between the uterus and placenta.. Well fast forward to 12 weeks after getting off bed rest and having no more bleeding.. We had an ultrasound to find that our precious baby had passed on 3 weeks before.. I had what they called a missed abortion (you won't see me use this term as I HATE it..) So I had to schedule a d n c for the next day.. That morning around 4 am I woke up to severe pains and bleeding only to find out that my body had finally realized that it was miscarrying, so we got bumped up a few hours to do the d n c.. Our dr. sent the 'remains' off to the lab for genetic testing and he called a few weeks later to tell me that our baby was a healthy baby boy.. We named him Xavier Ahren. He was 9 weeks 5 days and our d n c was on 9/19/06.. We were told we could try after our first cycle, so we did, we got pregnant 4 months later, we were excited, yet nervous.. There was no bleeding and our number's were progressing well. Well at 5 weeks we had an u/s.. Nothing but a sac. We were told to come back 2 weeks later, at 7 weeks we went back and still there was only a sac, but a second sac was visible now too..The dr. thought he had seen a second sac at 5 weeks but we didn't think nothing of it.. We were told to come back in a week.. We went back at 8 weeks 3 days, still only a sac, that was starting to shrink, and the second sac completely gone.. We were diagnosed with a blighted ovum and decided to do a d n c right then instead of waiting.. We were devastated, again....We call this baby (well what should have been a baby) February, we needed closure.. well I needed closure) 4 months later, June 27, 2007 could it be? Yes it is, a big fat positive, I couldn't believe it, whoo-hoo we were pregnant again.. I was nervous as all get out, could barely stand myself I was so nervous. We had slight spotting at 5 weeks and went to the ER, only to be told we had a slight subchorionic hemorrhage, you can about guess my nerves shot straight through the roof, great here we go again.... I prepared myself to lose this baby too, but wait, it's 12 weeks and we're still pregnant, and there's a heartbeat?!?! Wow, 19 weeks and it's a BOY?!?! Is this for real? Is this really happening? We're going to be parents for real this time? Little did we know what God had in store for us....... January 21, 2008, Martin Luther King day, Monday, and the beginning of our 33rd week.. Everything started out great, Our little boy had woke me up at 5 am having a little kick-boxing tournament, this was the VERY FIRST time this had ever happened. I went about my morning, got on the computer, was fixing to start chatting with some girlfriends of mine, when I got the most oddest, most painful cramp I've ever gotten.. In all honesty I thought I had to go to the bathroom.. So I finished typing out what I had to say, and headed to the bathroom, the only thing was the pain was overwhelming, I was literally on my tip-toes.. (if I knew then what I know now, I would have just started pushing right then.... :( ) I sat down and hear a pop, gush....My first thought was Oh shit, my water just broke, I'm only 33 weeks, and we still have 7 weeks to go, ok, we can deal with NICU.. But then I look down.. The image I seen will forever haunt me, blood, and lots of it, I've never in all of my life seen so much blood as I did this day.. From here everything went down hill and FAST!! I stood up, grabbed some tissue and put it between my legs and ran to the living room, grabbed the phone, and called my husband, I was so scared, and deep inside, I knew he was gone...But I get a hold of him.. We talk he leaves work.. Well not thinking of the holiday it was I called my dr's office, no answer, I'm starting to feel faint and light headed, so I lay down on the floor, I called the ER and told them what was going on, all they could say is "why are you calling the er?" I just hung up.. Aaron called and was on the phone with 911 when he walked in the house.. He helped me to the living room couch where I laid down and was in so much pain, more pain than I ever imagined possible.. The paramedics showed up. finally.. Well apparently I got the pick of the day, 2 of the most ignorant, most hateful, degrading, pieces of crap people to come help us.. One was a rookie, and the other was a jerk.. The jerk asked me if I was pregnant? Duh, I'm 8 months freaking pregnant!! I'm huge!! He then says "Are you bleeding?" My reply was yes, his was well you miscarried......WHAT?!?! You're seriously going to tell a freaking 8 month pregnant woman that she just miscarried.. I already hated the idiot.. He then asks me if I can get up on my own and move to the gurney, sure I say, and as I do I throw up, he then thrust this bag in my face and say's "throw up in here not in my bus, I just cleaned it" they then proceed to wheel me out of my house, with no blanket on, just panties and a t-shirt.. I asked for my own blanket. Then they wheel me over the stepping stones instead of picking me up and carrying me, this hurt like you wouldn't believe the pain is still very vivid in my mind.. We'd already told them 2 times they've asked what hospital we were going to, twice, Women's and children's.. they get me in the ambulance, and pull out.. They didn't give me oxygen or anything except an iv. of saline.. I keep feeling the need to pass out, and gushes of blood coming out of me.. I told him that I felt like I was going to pass out, and he said there was nothing he could do, I was already laying down. So about this time I look out the window wondering why it's taking so long to get to my hospital, the idiots took me to the wrong hospital... . I keep feeling the need to close my eyes...just go to sleep.. Well they FINALLY get me to Women's and Children's, and upstairs to Labor and Delivery, where I coded, on the spot.. I remember the nurse checking me, and her saying that I was dialated 2 cm, and trying to find Tristan's heartbeat, it wasn't there.. I remember looking to Aaron and saying he's gone honey, my baby's gone, and Aaron, and the nurse both saying no he's probably hiding.. then I vaguely remember hearing Aaron say her eyes are rolling and the nurse saying Oh shit (as she hits the wall) and saying I need help in here.. (Later found out she called a code blue on me).. The next memories are in and out, and still comes back in flashes.. I remember waking in this room, very cold, and 2 people above my head, one woman on man, and I hear them saying we need to intibuate and start cpr, where is everyone at? I remember my dr. Dr. H standing next to me saying "Hi Shannon, it's me Dr. H and there's no fetal heart activity we need to operate immediately to find out where the bleed is before we lose you.. Then I felt him cut me, and everything went black.. The next thing I remember is waking up in the recovery room, looking up and seeing Aaron's face, and knowing that something was VERY wrong.. Then our social worker, Ms. Mary asked me if I would like to hold our son.....This was the first time I seen my little boy, he was gone, lifeless, but the most amazing creature I've ever seen, the most beautiful little boy.. Beings that I had a c section I had to stay in the hospital for a few days.. We were released, on Jan. 24, 2008 and it was hard leaving that hospital with only plants and a memory box full of Tristan's belongings, yet leaving him there.. This blog is full of the last 2 years and the years of battling infertility, and our journey to parent hood, if it's meant to be..

Wednesday, May 21, 2008

HAPPY 4 MONTHS TRISTAN ALEXANDER

Happy birthday baby boy, today marks 4 months since you were born sleeping and placed in mommy and daddy's arms, oh how we miss you we yearn for you, I would give anything to just hold you in my arms and to smell you again, to feel your little face, your little fingers, oh baby mommy misses you terribly........I do hope that you and Frodo are having tons of fun, as your brother and sibling too......We love you munchkin...


Wow it's been 4 months since I've had a baby, some days it don't even feel like I was ever pregnant then I look around and am reminded by the aching in my heart and arms for my precious little Tristan....So I got really curious as to what a 4 month old baby does, and according to Parents.com, this is what a 4 month old baby is doing.....


Your 4-month-old probably rolls over easily now--either from back to stomach or from stomach to back--and can be comfortably propped into a sitting position. By the end of this month, your baby will weigh about twice what she did at birth.

Your baby's eyes direct her hands now and she's intent on touching and manipulating everything. She may transfer an object from one hand to the other or grasp it with both hands at once. She continues putting things in her mouth and will chew on everything.

She can now put consonants and vowels together more and more frequently. "Da" is a favorite combination. Now is a good time to have your infant's hearing checked. Language development is dependent upon hearing, and early detection of hearing loss can help prevent problems.

Your baby now tends to become fully alert quickly in the morning. Usually she's awake long before the rest of the family, and some days she may take only one nap.

HAPPY 4 MONTHS TRISTAN ALEXANDER

Happy birthday baby boy, today marks 4 months since you were born sleeping and placed in mommy and daddy's arms, oh how we miss you we yearn for you, I would give anything to just hold you in my arms and to smell you again, to feel your little face, your little fingers, oh baby mommy misses you terribly........I do hope that you and Frodo are having tons of fun, as your brother and sibling too......We love you munchkin...


Wow it's been 4 months since I've had a baby, some days it don't even feel like I was ever pregnant then I look around and am reminded by the aching in my heart and arms for my precious little Tristan....So I got really curious as to what a 4 month old baby does, and according to Parents.com, this is what a 4 month old baby is doing.....


Your 4-month-old probably rolls over easily now--either from back to stomach or from stomach to back--and can be comfortably propped into a sitting position. By the end of this month, your baby will weigh about twice what she did at birth.

Your baby's eyes direct her hands now and she's intent on touching and manipulating everything. She may transfer an object from one hand to the other or grasp it with both hands at once. She continues putting things in her mouth and will chew on everything.

She can now put consonants and vowels together more and more frequently. "Da" is a favorite combination. Now is a good time to have your infant's hearing checked. Language development is dependent upon hearing, and early detection of hearing loss can help prevent problems.

Your baby now tends to become fully alert quickly in the morning. Usually she's awake long before the rest of the family, and some days she may take only one nap.

Saturday, May 10, 2008

Beautiful, just beautiful

A few weeks ago a friend on one of my babycenter loss boards, posted this website, they touch up baby angel photographs, they do 2 for free, I couldn't pass at that opportunity, and I have to say, they did the most beautiful job.......Here's the before and after of the only picture I have that really really needed touching up, I think all the other's of him, he just looks like he's sleeping, not passed...Well anyway here's the photo..............

Beautiful, just beautiful

A few weeks ago a friend on one of my babycenter loss boards, posted this website, they touch up baby angel photographs, they do 2 for free, I couldn't pass at that opportunity, and I have to say, they did the most beautiful job.......Here's the before and after of the only picture I have that really really needed touching up, I think all the other's of him, he just looks like he's sleeping, not passed...Well anyway here's the photo..............

Friday, May 9, 2008

a letter to you my son

My dear sweet Tristan, oh how I long to hold you, and kiss your little cheeks, I miss you so terribly much and love you with all of my being.....Your daddy loves you so very much, and miss you terribly...There isn't a second that goes by...I've lost my train of thought sweetie through my tears, I will come back I will write you more....

a letter to you my son

My dear sweet Tristan, oh how I long to hold you, and kiss your little cheeks, I miss you so terribly much and love you with all of my being.....Your daddy loves you so very much, and miss you terribly...There isn't a second that goes by...I've lost my train of thought sweetie through my tears, I will come back I will write you more....

Mother's day


A friend of mine that has also experienced loss in her life, sent this poem to me today in an email....Thank you for acknowledging me, thank you for acknowledging my sweet Tristan...


Dear Mr. Hallmark,
I am writing to you from heaven,
and though it must appear
A rather strange idea,
I see everything from up here.

I just popped in to visit,
your stores to find a card
A card of love for my mother,
as this day for her is hard.

There must be some mistake I thought,
I saw every card you could imagine
Except I could not find a card,
from a child who lives in heaven.

She is still a mother too,
no matter where I reside
I had to leave, she understands,
but oh the tears she's cried.

I thought that if I wrote you,
that you would come to know
That though I live in heaven now,
I still love my mother so.

She talks with me, and dreams with me;
we still share laughter too,
Memories are our way of speaking now,
would you see what you could do?

My mother carries me in her heart,
her tears she hides from sight.
She writes poems to honor me,
sometimes far into the night

She plants flowers in my garden,
there my living memory dwells
She writes to other grieving parents,
trying to ease their pain as well.

So you see Mr. Hallmark,
though I no longer live on earth
I must find a way to remind her
of her wondrous worth.

She needs to be honored,
and remembered too
Just as the children of earth will do.

Thank you Mr. Hallmark,
I know you'll do your best
I have done all I can do;
to you I'll leave the rest.

Find a way to tell her,
how much she means to me
Until I can do it for myself,
when she joins me in eternity

Mother's day


A friend of mine that has also experienced loss in her life, sent this poem to me today in an email....Thank you for acknowledging me, thank you for acknowledging my sweet Tristan...


Dear Mr. Hallmark,
I am writing to you from heaven,
and though it must appear
A rather strange idea,
I see everything from up here.

I just popped in to visit,
your stores to find a card
A card of love for my mother,
as this day for her is hard.

There must be some mistake I thought,
I saw every card you could imagine
Except I could not find a card,
from a child who lives in heaven.

She is still a mother too,
no matter where I reside
I had to leave, she understands,
but oh the tears she's cried.

I thought that if I wrote you,
that you would come to know
That though I live in heaven now,
I still love my mother so.

She talks with me, and dreams with me;
we still share laughter too,
Memories are our way of speaking now,
would you see what you could do?

My mother carries me in her heart,
her tears she hides from sight.
She writes poems to honor me,
sometimes far into the night

She plants flowers in my garden,
there my living memory dwells
She writes to other grieving parents,
trying to ease their pain as well.

So you see Mr. Hallmark,
though I no longer live on earth
I must find a way to remind her
of her wondrous worth.

She needs to be honored,
and remembered too
Just as the children of earth will do.

Thank you Mr. Hallmark,
I know you'll do your best
I have done all I can do;
to you I'll leave the rest.

Find a way to tell her,
how much she means to me
Until I can do it for myself,
when she joins me in eternity

Tuesday, May 6, 2008

before and after

Before, this is the photo that Aaron took with his phone when they first handed Tristan to him....It was really blurry because it was taken with very shaky hands....and hysterically sad man.....

before
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after
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same picture, just closer of his face
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I am so proud of the way it turned out, my sweet little monkey...God I miss you so much son, I miss you so very much, I would do anything in this world to be with you to just feel you in my arms, or even in my womb again, although I have come to accept and know this it still freaking sucks....Babies aren't supposed to die before mommies!!! I love you munchkin!! Your daddy and I love you so very much!!!

before and after

Before, this is the photo that Aaron took with his phone when they first handed Tristan to him....It was really blurry because it was taken with very shaky hands....and hysterically sad man.....

before
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after
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same picture, just closer of his face
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I am so proud of the way it turned out, my sweet little monkey...God I miss you so much son, I miss you so very much, I would do anything in this world to be with you to just feel you in my arms, or even in my womb again, although I have come to accept and know this it still freaking sucks....Babies aren't supposed to die before mommies!!! I love you munchkin!! Your daddy and I love you so very much!!!

Time

They say time heals all wounds, I guess that's only partly right, my pain is not as raw as it was 3 months ago, or even a week ago....Losing Tristan, and Frodo, I've began to search for answers, only to come to one place my Bible, and prayer....It's been getting me through, knowing that God has angels that he sends to aid people, and that He never leaves us, nor does He do these bad things to us, granted he allows them to happen, but that's only to test my faith, to see if we continue trusting in Him, and knowing with all our hearts that He will bless us with the desires of our hearts....I tell my self that every morning and I do talk to Him through out my days.. I've been working on myself this past week, going on 2 now, I'm feeling a lot better (for now) Most if not all readers of this blog, knows how it comes in waves....I'm going to enjoy this feeling while I have it, and take advantage of it, and get my house clean, and continue to work out.....I have to, it's making me feel better about my self, my house, and my mind....My husband is definately enjoying this part of the ride that's for sure, he's not coming home to a wife that's been sitting in the same spot on the couch all day, in the same clothes, in the dark, and crying all day....I imagine he got pretty tired of seeing that, I felt I need to force myself to shower and dress every morning, and make myself breakfast and go from there, I'm proud to say, so far so good, I've been working out, and cleaning so that in it's self is a major change in me...


Now there is one thing that time can't change, and that's the fact that Mother's Day is coming up, and it sucks, and I hate it...I know I'm a mother, but I hate seeing these commercials for it on tv, the baby in the stroller that dad say's she stole the car....too cute I might say, but then the little boy shopping in kmart with his dad for him mom, and trust me it's NOT the gifts I'm after, I would love to just wake up this mother's day, and wrap my arms around my little boy and whisper I love you in his little ear, and kiss his little cheeks, and run my fingers through his hair, hold his little hand, but instead I get to rub a glass picture frame of him, and smell his clothes, (which still 3 months later still smell very very much like him)....Tristan know that mommy loves you so much and I can't wait til I can spend mother's day with you sweet heart.......


On a more happy note I had a couple of pictures of Tristan touched up and would like to share them, he's so beautiful but of course I'm a little biased!!

Time

They say time heals all wounds, I guess that's only partly right, my pain is not as raw as it was 3 months ago, or even a week ago....Losing Tristan, and Frodo, I've began to search for answers, only to come to one place my Bible, and prayer....It's been getting me through, knowing that God has angels that he sends to aid people, and that He never leaves us, nor does He do these bad things to us, granted he allows them to happen, but that's only to test my faith, to see if we continue trusting in Him, and knowing with all our hearts that He will bless us with the desires of our hearts....I tell my self that every morning and I do talk to Him through out my days.. I've been working on myself this past week, going on 2 now, I'm feeling a lot better (for now) Most if not all readers of this blog, knows how it comes in waves....I'm going to enjoy this feeling while I have it, and take advantage of it, and get my house clean, and continue to work out.....I have to, it's making me feel better about my self, my house, and my mind....My husband is definately enjoying this part of the ride that's for sure, he's not coming home to a wife that's been sitting in the same spot on the couch all day, in the same clothes, in the dark, and crying all day....I imagine he got pretty tired of seeing that, I felt I need to force myself to shower and dress every morning, and make myself breakfast and go from there, I'm proud to say, so far so good, I've been working out, and cleaning so that in it's self is a major change in me...


Now there is one thing that time can't change, and that's the fact that Mother's Day is coming up, and it sucks, and I hate it...I know I'm a mother, but I hate seeing these commercials for it on tv, the baby in the stroller that dad say's she stole the car....too cute I might say, but then the little boy shopping in kmart with his dad for him mom, and trust me it's NOT the gifts I'm after, I would love to just wake up this mother's day, and wrap my arms around my little boy and whisper I love you in his little ear, and kiss his little cheeks, and run my fingers through his hair, hold his little hand, but instead I get to rub a glass picture frame of him, and smell his clothes, (which still 3 months later still smell very very much like him)....Tristan know that mommy loves you so much and I can't wait til I can spend mother's day with you sweet heart.......


On a more happy note I had a couple of pictures of Tristan touched up and would like to share them, he's so beautiful but of course I'm a little biased!!

Rest in Peace Mommy

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