Our Journey.....

January 2001, it was a cold, blistery, icy day in Oklahoma City, the day my future husband asked me to be his girl!!! March 31, 2006 was our wedding day.. We had decided that since we'd already been together for 5 years that we would immediately start trying for a baby. So in April that's what we did.. It took us 3 months and in July we were looking at a positive pregnancy test.. It was the 5th of July.. I remember thinking the 4th that I had to of been pregnant, as the beer just tasted horrible and I was wanting to sleep.. That pregnancy was not the easiest.. We started bleeding from the beginning, it was diagnosed a subchorionic hemorrhage.. It was a huge blood clot between the uterus and placenta.. Well fast forward to 12 weeks after getting off bed rest and having no more bleeding.. We had an ultrasound to find that our precious baby had passed on 3 weeks before.. I had what they called a missed abortion (you won't see me use this term as I HATE it..) So I had to schedule a d n c for the next day.. That morning around 4 am I woke up to severe pains and bleeding only to find out that my body had finally realized that it was miscarrying, so we got bumped up a few hours to do the d n c.. Our dr. sent the 'remains' off to the lab for genetic testing and he called a few weeks later to tell me that our baby was a healthy baby boy.. We named him Xavier Ahren. He was 9 weeks 5 days and our d n c was on 9/19/06.. We were told we could try after our first cycle, so we did, we got pregnant 4 months later, we were excited, yet nervous.. There was no bleeding and our number's were progressing well. Well at 5 weeks we had an u/s.. Nothing but a sac. We were told to come back 2 weeks later, at 7 weeks we went back and still there was only a sac, but a second sac was visible now too..The dr. thought he had seen a second sac at 5 weeks but we didn't think nothing of it.. We were told to come back in a week.. We went back at 8 weeks 3 days, still only a sac, that was starting to shrink, and the second sac completely gone.. We were diagnosed with a blighted ovum and decided to do a d n c right then instead of waiting.. We were devastated, again....We call this baby (well what should have been a baby) February, we needed closure.. well I needed closure) 4 months later, June 27, 2007 could it be? Yes it is, a big fat positive, I couldn't believe it, whoo-hoo we were pregnant again.. I was nervous as all get out, could barely stand myself I was so nervous. We had slight spotting at 5 weeks and went to the ER, only to be told we had a slight subchorionic hemorrhage, you can about guess my nerves shot straight through the roof, great here we go again.... I prepared myself to lose this baby too, but wait, it's 12 weeks and we're still pregnant, and there's a heartbeat?!?! Wow, 19 weeks and it's a BOY?!?! Is this for real? Is this really happening? We're going to be parents for real this time? Little did we know what God had in store for us....... January 21, 2008, Martin Luther King day, Monday, and the beginning of our 33rd week.. Everything started out great, Our little boy had woke me up at 5 am having a little kick-boxing tournament, this was the VERY FIRST time this had ever happened. I went about my morning, got on the computer, was fixing to start chatting with some girlfriends of mine, when I got the most oddest, most painful cramp I've ever gotten.. In all honesty I thought I had to go to the bathroom.. So I finished typing out what I had to say, and headed to the bathroom, the only thing was the pain was overwhelming, I was literally on my tip-toes.. (if I knew then what I know now, I would have just started pushing right then.... :( ) I sat down and hear a pop, gush....My first thought was Oh shit, my water just broke, I'm only 33 weeks, and we still have 7 weeks to go, ok, we can deal with NICU.. But then I look down.. The image I seen will forever haunt me, blood, and lots of it, I've never in all of my life seen so much blood as I did this day.. From here everything went down hill and FAST!! I stood up, grabbed some tissue and put it between my legs and ran to the living room, grabbed the phone, and called my husband, I was so scared, and deep inside, I knew he was gone...But I get a hold of him.. We talk he leaves work.. Well not thinking of the holiday it was I called my dr's office, no answer, I'm starting to feel faint and light headed, so I lay down on the floor, I called the ER and told them what was going on, all they could say is "why are you calling the er?" I just hung up.. Aaron called and was on the phone with 911 when he walked in the house.. He helped me to the living room couch where I laid down and was in so much pain, more pain than I ever imagined possible.. The paramedics showed up. finally.. Well apparently I got the pick of the day, 2 of the most ignorant, most hateful, degrading, pieces of crap people to come help us.. One was a rookie, and the other was a jerk.. The jerk asked me if I was pregnant? Duh, I'm 8 months freaking pregnant!! I'm huge!! He then says "Are you bleeding?" My reply was yes, his was well you miscarried......WHAT?!?! You're seriously going to tell a freaking 8 month pregnant woman that she just miscarried.. I already hated the idiot.. He then asks me if I can get up on my own and move to the gurney, sure I say, and as I do I throw up, he then thrust this bag in my face and say's "throw up in here not in my bus, I just cleaned it" they then proceed to wheel me out of my house, with no blanket on, just panties and a t-shirt.. I asked for my own blanket. Then they wheel me over the stepping stones instead of picking me up and carrying me, this hurt like you wouldn't believe the pain is still very vivid in my mind.. We'd already told them 2 times they've asked what hospital we were going to, twice, Women's and children's.. they get me in the ambulance, and pull out.. They didn't give me oxygen or anything except an iv. of saline.. I keep feeling the need to pass out, and gushes of blood coming out of me.. I told him that I felt like I was going to pass out, and he said there was nothing he could do, I was already laying down. So about this time I look out the window wondering why it's taking so long to get to my hospital, the idiots took me to the wrong hospital... . I keep feeling the need to close my eyes...just go to sleep.. Well they FINALLY get me to Women's and Children's, and upstairs to Labor and Delivery, where I coded, on the spot.. I remember the nurse checking me, and her saying that I was dialated 2 cm, and trying to find Tristan's heartbeat, it wasn't there.. I remember looking to Aaron and saying he's gone honey, my baby's gone, and Aaron, and the nurse both saying no he's probably hiding.. then I vaguely remember hearing Aaron say her eyes are rolling and the nurse saying Oh shit (as she hits the wall) and saying I need help in here.. (Later found out she called a code blue on me).. The next memories are in and out, and still comes back in flashes.. I remember waking in this room, very cold, and 2 people above my head, one woman on man, and I hear them saying we need to intibuate and start cpr, where is everyone at? I remember my dr. Dr. H standing next to me saying "Hi Shannon, it's me Dr. H and there's no fetal heart activity we need to operate immediately to find out where the bleed is before we lose you.. Then I felt him cut me, and everything went black.. The next thing I remember is waking up in the recovery room, looking up and seeing Aaron's face, and knowing that something was VERY wrong.. Then our social worker, Ms. Mary asked me if I would like to hold our son.....This was the first time I seen my little boy, he was gone, lifeless, but the most amazing creature I've ever seen, the most beautiful little boy.. Beings that I had a c section I had to stay in the hospital for a few days.. We were released, on Jan. 24, 2008 and it was hard leaving that hospital with only plants and a memory box full of Tristan's belongings, yet leaving him there.. This blog is full of the last 2 years and the years of battling infertility, and our journey to parent hood, if it's meant to be..

Thursday, April 3, 2008

My story

I realize it's late but I wanted to share my story, I haven't been able to write for a while, I'm trying to find my writing spirit again, so thought I would start from the beginning.....

Tristan Alexander Goodwin
After losing 2 pregnancies early in pg, I lost the first a little boy Xavier Ahren at 9 w 5 d, and then a blighted ovum at 8 w 3 d, well in June of '07 we were blessed with our little Tristan, we were trying so I was kind of hoping for my bfp, I will never forget the day 6/27/07, 2 days after cutting my hair for the 1st time in 5 years!! Well fast forward, we have some first trimester bleeding, I start on Prometrium ( I always have progesterone issues) and put on bedrest from 5 weeks to 12 weeks, at 12 weeks everything was perfect, you can about imagine how exited we were, we were finally going to be parents, we had passed that trying first trimester....On to 19 weeks, we have a boy's name and girls name picked out, we are so elated to find out we're having a little boy, Daddy's little huntin buddy and mommies cuddle bug, oh we were so excited, we would talk all the time about Tristan, I was getting his nursery done, slowly, but having fun with it......fast forward to 30 w 5d we are having 3/d pics made of our little guy, how cute was he!? He loved his foot, he constantly had his foot infront of his face, he was smiling, and just looked so precious and perfect, there was one time he got upset, you could just see it on his face, it's like leave me alone already I'm trying to sleep in here!! It was so funny and cute, I just knew he was going to be full of personality, little did I know what was ahead of us in the next couple weeks....
31 w 3 d I was admitted into the hospital for a virus, I was throwing up, couldn't hold anything down and we were afraid of getting dehydrated and going into preterm labor, well I get better and get to go home, everything is perfect, Tristan is moving around like crazy, and since I was so tired from being sick, I was just relaxing and resting as much as I could, well 33 weeks exactly and I'm sitting at my desk, posting on my baby board when I was finished I was going to get up and start cleaning up well tmi I had been a little on the constipated side and was starting to get a cramp, so I thought I was just going to have to use the restroom, well I didn't realize how sharp the cramp was til I stood and it was like a hot poker going from the center of my abdomen straight through my back and out the other side, I tiptoed to the b/r, and when I sat and pushed just a little, enough to empty my bladder, I hear a pop, and then a gush of liquid just started pouring out of me, the cramp was getting more intense, and I sat there and thought to myself ok my water just broke, i'm 33 weeks, we can handle nicu for a few weeks, Tristan is coming today!!! Then I notice the water looks really dark, so I wipe and there it is blood and lots of it, and clots as big as my hand! I was so scared I put some tissue there and went to get the phone called my husband, and he was on his way home, he called 911 for me as I was starting to feel really faint, the room was spinning, I was so hot and sweaty, and felt so much pain, like a ripping sensation circling around my stomach to back, it was intense. Then the ambulance arrive, a couple of incompetent morons, when they walked in the house they look at me and ask me the stupidest question
amb: are you bleeding
me: yes
amb: are you passing clots
amb: well you miscarried
me: crying and begging please don't say that
amb:well that's what happens when you're pregnant and bleed, can you get yourself on the gurney
me: yes, (throw up all over my floor)
amb: shoves bag in my hand and informs me not to throw up in his bus
then proceeds to carry me out of my house with no blanket in only a tshirt and panties, I was appalled then roll me over those stepping stones, instead of picking the gurney up, then they leave my house after being told on 3 different occasions that we're going to Women's and Childrens, and my dr is dr hill they went the wrong direction TWICE!! I notice out the back window that we're passing Lafayette General which is about 15 minutes from my house, vs. W&C that is 5 mins from my house.....Well my mom, and Aaron both beat me to the hospital, we finally get there and all they've done for me is give me an iv of saline, by this time I'm not 100% completly coherent anymore, I vaguelly remember seeing my mom and brother, but I do remember getting into triage up at L&D she couldn't find the heartbeat and I kept telling Aaron that Tristan's gone, they kept telling me no maybe he's just in a position where we can't find it! Then I remember hearing Aaron say her eyes are rolling back, the next I remember hearing her say she's 2cm dialeted then o shit I need help in here, and they started rubbing my chest rather hard, and slapping my face, I remember hearing and feeling this but I couldn't respond, I remember a room and a lot of people and the words start cpr, we need to intubate, and then I remember opening my eyes and my dr was there telling me they couldn't find any fetal heart activity,and needed to operate fast to see where I was bleeding from cause I was losing a lot of blood, they wouldn't let aaron back there with me, well the next thing I remember was someone saying there's going to be a slight pinch in your throat, well at that exact moment my throat closed up, I couldn't cry, scream, nothing, I was so scared I remember grabbing the 2 people next to me and at that moment I remember the feel of my dr cutting me open and I tried to move my legs and couldn't as they were strapped down, then everything went black.....When I woke up they were wheeling me into recovery(happens to be the exact same place they took me after my 2 d&c's....) well I remember reaching for my belly and asking crying out for Tristan, and the nurse and social worker and Aaron were there, (he'd already seen Tristan, I didnt' know this yet) But the look on his face told me everything I needed to know, and that's when I lost it, and Ms. Mary the social worker then asked if I would like to see and hold my son, and she explained what he would look like and what i should expect, and that he was bleeding some so I had to keep a wash cloth under his mouth..oh he was so beautiful, I will never forget the feel of him in my arms, the smell of him, the feel of his lips when I kissed them, and the brown of his eye, when I snuck a peek...there he was my little Tristan, the same little guy that was having a kick boxing class that morning was no laying lifeless in my arms, it's still so hard to grasp, it's been 10 weeks and i am just now getting to the point where being around my bff's baby is pleasurable, I can play with her and yearn for what I don't have, and it hurts, but it also feels perfect....I can't explain the feeling I have when I have her in my arms....I"m just now cleaning my house, getting out in public, and it sucks, but I have to push forward, Tristan wouldn't want me to remain sad, although my sadness will never leave me, I had/have to force myself out of severe depression, and the only way I can do that is to keep my hands and mind busy!! I still have and still visit his room/crib several times a day, i will hold his outfit and rock it, as if I were rocking him and look out the window up at the sky and just talk to him, his outfit, socks, bonnet, and the little plastic brush they used on him still smell so much like him, I smell them daily, I feel him all around me, and I'm feeling at peace today..It's odd to feel at peace...

I will continue to post on my blog, as that felt like a wonderful release getting all that out!! Thank you for having this for us!!


Colleen said...

Shannon - that story brings me to tears everytime I hear it. I'm so sorry you were dealt this crappy hand but you have come so far in the last 10 weeks. You will never forget Tristan, but I look forward to you having a healthy baby to hold someday soon!! Colleen

Little Miss Hopeful said...

Oh Shannon, what a heart wrenching story. I'm so sorry that you were treated so poorly by the medical staff. And mostly I am so sorry for the loss of your dear Tristan.

Much love to you

Kristen said...

When I read Tristan's story to this day it is just like I am reading it for the first time...I can remember the post on the board that day from Jess like it was yesterday....18 day's until Tristan turns one year old. I am sorry Shannon. I wish so much things woudl have been sifferent for you. God will bless soaring Tristan with a baby brother or sister soon. Love you, kristen

Rest in Peace Mommy