Our Journey.....

January 2001, it was a cold, blistery, icy day in Oklahoma City, the day my future husband asked me to be his girl!!! March 31, 2006 was our wedding day.. We had decided that since we'd already been together for 5 years that we would immediately start trying for a baby. So in April that's what we did.. It took us 3 months and in July we were looking at a positive pregnancy test.. It was the 5th of July.. I remember thinking the 4th that I had to of been pregnant, as the beer just tasted horrible and I was wanting to sleep.. That pregnancy was not the easiest.. We started bleeding from the beginning, it was diagnosed a subchorionic hemorrhage.. It was a huge blood clot between the uterus and placenta.. Well fast forward to 12 weeks after getting off bed rest and having no more bleeding.. We had an ultrasound to find that our precious baby had passed on 3 weeks before.. I had what they called a missed abortion (you won't see me use this term as I HATE it..) So I had to schedule a d n c for the next day.. That morning around 4 am I woke up to severe pains and bleeding only to find out that my body had finally realized that it was miscarrying, so we got bumped up a few hours to do the d n c.. Our dr. sent the 'remains' off to the lab for genetic testing and he called a few weeks later to tell me that our baby was a healthy baby boy.. We named him Xavier Ahren. He was 9 weeks 5 days and our d n c was on 9/19/06.. We were told we could try after our first cycle, so we did, we got pregnant 4 months later, we were excited, yet nervous.. There was no bleeding and our number's were progressing well. Well at 5 weeks we had an u/s.. Nothing but a sac. We were told to come back 2 weeks later, at 7 weeks we went back and still there was only a sac, but a second sac was visible now too..The dr. thought he had seen a second sac at 5 weeks but we didn't think nothing of it.. We were told to come back in a week.. We went back at 8 weeks 3 days, still only a sac, that was starting to shrink, and the second sac completely gone.. We were diagnosed with a blighted ovum and decided to do a d n c right then instead of waiting.. We were devastated, again....We call this baby (well what should have been a baby) February, we needed closure.. well I needed closure) 4 months later, June 27, 2007 could it be? Yes it is, a big fat positive, I couldn't believe it, whoo-hoo we were pregnant again.. I was nervous as all get out, could barely stand myself I was so nervous. We had slight spotting at 5 weeks and went to the ER, only to be told we had a slight subchorionic hemorrhage, you can about guess my nerves shot straight through the roof, great here we go again.... I prepared myself to lose this baby too, but wait, it's 12 weeks and we're still pregnant, and there's a heartbeat?!?! Wow, 19 weeks and it's a BOY?!?! Is this for real? Is this really happening? We're going to be parents for real this time? Little did we know what God had in store for us....... January 21, 2008, Martin Luther King day, Monday, and the beginning of our 33rd week.. Everything started out great, Our little boy had woke me up at 5 am having a little kick-boxing tournament, this was the VERY FIRST time this had ever happened. I went about my morning, got on the computer, was fixing to start chatting with some girlfriends of mine, when I got the most oddest, most painful cramp I've ever gotten.. In all honesty I thought I had to go to the bathroom.. So I finished typing out what I had to say, and headed to the bathroom, the only thing was the pain was overwhelming, I was literally on my tip-toes.. (if I knew then what I know now, I would have just started pushing right then.... :( ) I sat down and hear a pop, gush....My first thought was Oh shit, my water just broke, I'm only 33 weeks, and we still have 7 weeks to go, ok, we can deal with NICU.. But then I look down.. The image I seen will forever haunt me, blood, and lots of it, I've never in all of my life seen so much blood as I did this day.. From here everything went down hill and FAST!! I stood up, grabbed some tissue and put it between my legs and ran to the living room, grabbed the phone, and called my husband, I was so scared, and deep inside, I knew he was gone...But I get a hold of him.. We talk he leaves work.. Well not thinking of the holiday it was I called my dr's office, no answer, I'm starting to feel faint and light headed, so I lay down on the floor, I called the ER and told them what was going on, all they could say is "why are you calling the er?" I just hung up.. Aaron called and was on the phone with 911 when he walked in the house.. He helped me to the living room couch where I laid down and was in so much pain, more pain than I ever imagined possible.. The paramedics showed up. finally.. Well apparently I got the pick of the day, 2 of the most ignorant, most hateful, degrading, pieces of crap people to come help us.. One was a rookie, and the other was a jerk.. The jerk asked me if I was pregnant? Duh, I'm 8 months freaking pregnant!! I'm huge!! He then says "Are you bleeding?" My reply was yes, his was well you miscarried......WHAT?!?! You're seriously going to tell a freaking 8 month pregnant woman that she just miscarried.. I already hated the idiot.. He then asks me if I can get up on my own and move to the gurney, sure I say, and as I do I throw up, he then thrust this bag in my face and say's "throw up in here not in my bus, I just cleaned it" they then proceed to wheel me out of my house, with no blanket on, just panties and a t-shirt.. I asked for my own blanket. Then they wheel me over the stepping stones instead of picking me up and carrying me, this hurt like you wouldn't believe the pain is still very vivid in my mind.. We'd already told them 2 times they've asked what hospital we were going to, twice, Women's and children's.. they get me in the ambulance, and pull out.. They didn't give me oxygen or anything except an iv. of saline.. I keep feeling the need to pass out, and gushes of blood coming out of me.. I told him that I felt like I was going to pass out, and he said there was nothing he could do, I was already laying down. So about this time I look out the window wondering why it's taking so long to get to my hospital, the idiots took me to the wrong hospital... . I keep feeling the need to close my eyes...just go to sleep.. Well they FINALLY get me to Women's and Children's, and upstairs to Labor and Delivery, where I coded, on the spot.. I remember the nurse checking me, and her saying that I was dialated 2 cm, and trying to find Tristan's heartbeat, it wasn't there.. I remember looking to Aaron and saying he's gone honey, my baby's gone, and Aaron, and the nurse both saying no he's probably hiding.. then I vaguely remember hearing Aaron say her eyes are rolling and the nurse saying Oh shit (as she hits the wall) and saying I need help in here.. (Later found out she called a code blue on me).. The next memories are in and out, and still comes back in flashes.. I remember waking in this room, very cold, and 2 people above my head, one woman on man, and I hear them saying we need to intibuate and start cpr, where is everyone at? I remember my dr. Dr. H standing next to me saying "Hi Shannon, it's me Dr. H and there's no fetal heart activity we need to operate immediately to find out where the bleed is before we lose you.. Then I felt him cut me, and everything went black.. The next thing I remember is waking up in the recovery room, looking up and seeing Aaron's face, and knowing that something was VERY wrong.. Then our social worker, Ms. Mary asked me if I would like to hold our son.....This was the first time I seen my little boy, he was gone, lifeless, but the most amazing creature I've ever seen, the most beautiful little boy.. Beings that I had a c section I had to stay in the hospital for a few days.. We were released, on Jan. 24, 2008 and it was hard leaving that hospital with only plants and a memory box full of Tristan's belongings, yet leaving him there.. This blog is full of the last 2 years and the years of battling infertility, and our journey to parent hood, if it's meant to be..

Monday, April 28, 2008

Frodo, the best cat I could have ever known...We will forever miss you buddy





Frodo came in to our lives as abrubuptly as he left our lives.....He came running in my arms on September 16, 2006 2 days before we found out we lost our 1st baby, he left our lives yesterday April 27, 2008 exactly 3 months after Tristan's funeral. Aaron said God brought him in our lives to get us through our losses and his work was done......We have/had 4 cats total, and Frodo, was by far the most awesome cat I've ever known, he was the sweetest little cuddle bug, He really loved his treats, I would open the drawer where they were and he would be in my lap before I could close the door.....We only left for a few short hours, to go on a nature trail and take photographs, when we left he was happy and content eating his treats, when we got home, he was laying on his side, in front of their big toy dead. I don't understand, I don't know how much more we're expected to take, it almost feels like I'm losing Tristan all over again...He would always greet me with a kiss, yes he kissed us like a dog would....In fact we called him our little gaurd cat, he would sit in the window and if someone came through the fence we would run off growling..Oh Frodo, we miss you terribly, Gizmo, is just lost with out you....What happened baby? Why did you have to go? I hope you're playing with Tristan, and teaching him how to play fetch with you, that was our favorite game, although only a few times would he bring it right back to you, normally he'd drop his little toy mouse about a foot away from you then run to the hall waiting for you to throw it to him, Oh my God I can't believe this is really happening, I can't believe he's gone..What am I going to do with out that kitty? He was so special.......I feel lost with out him. I kept waking up to find him last night only to realize that he's no longer here..We buried you under my parents oak tree, I'm so sorry we had to leave you outside all alone, you've never been outside other than in my arms and when you first came to us... We will forever remember you and love you my Frodo!!! You'll forever run free across the rainbow bridge now sweetie!!

Frodo, the best cat I could have ever known...We will forever miss you buddy





Frodo came in to our lives as abrubuptly as he left our lives.....He came running in my arms on September 16, 2006 2 days before we found out we lost our 1st baby, he left our lives yesterday April 27, 2008 exactly 3 months after Tristan's funeral. Aaron said God brought him in our lives to get us through our losses and his work was done......We have/had 4 cats total, and Frodo, was by far the most awesome cat I've ever known, he was the sweetest little cuddle bug, He really loved his treats, I would open the drawer where they were and he would be in my lap before I could close the door.....We only left for a few short hours, to go on a nature trail and take photographs, when we left he was happy and content eating his treats, when we got home, he was laying on his side, in front of their big toy dead. I don't understand, I don't know how much more we're expected to take, it almost feels like I'm losing Tristan all over again...He would always greet me with a kiss, yes he kissed us like a dog would....In fact we called him our little gaurd cat, he would sit in the window and if someone came through the fence we would run off growling..Oh Frodo, we miss you terribly, Gizmo, is just lost with out you....What happened baby? Why did you have to go? I hope you're playing with Tristan, and teaching him how to play fetch with you, that was our favorite game, although only a few times would he bring it right back to you, normally he'd drop his little toy mouse about a foot away from you then run to the hall waiting for you to throw it to him, Oh my God I can't believe this is really happening, I can't believe he's gone..What am I going to do with out that kitty? He was so special.......I feel lost with out him. I kept waking up to find him last night only to realize that he's no longer here..We buried you under my parents oak tree, I'm so sorry we had to leave you outside all alone, you've never been outside other than in my arms and when you first came to us... We will forever remember you and love you my Frodo!!! You'll forever run free across the rainbow bridge now sweetie!!

Friday, April 25, 2008

Does the heartache ever end??

My my my, when it rains it poors...The loneliness I feel for our son is sometimes unbearable, I miss him terribly, there's times I just go in his room and hold and rock his outfit as if I'm really holding him..What's wrong with me that I can't let go? Am I weak? Or am I just a mom that misses her angel children like there is no tomorrow...I have been pregnant 3 times and all I have to show for it are pictures, and tears, I could fill a lake or even an ocean with the amount of tears I've shed...A father or mother should never have to say good bye to their children, we've had to do so 3 times...When does the pain end, it still feels so fresh and new.....But it's been 3 months since the most recent loss...I feel like a broken shell of a woman now, like my world has ended....You know we've been married for 2 years, we've been ttc for 2 years, and we have 2 years worth of heartache in that department, Our love has grown stronger, but I don't know how much more loss we can endure...I'm yearning to be a mother, and to raise my children here on earth, I know that I am a mother despite what some have said to me, just to hurt me, but you know I can't let that get to me or to get me down..I've had a lot of hurtful things said to me this past weekend, and from someone that I love dearly, and I don't know how to honestly recover from the words that were spoken. I know the person probably didn't mean it as they were hurting and very stressed to, but nonetheless, it hurt like hell, and ripped a bandaid off of a very raw wound.. I tell myself that they didn't mean it, but what if they did, what if? Those are some very powerful words..All I can tell this person is, I AM A MOM, I DO UNDERSTAND HOW MOM'S FEEL, NO MY CHILD ISN'T LIVING, BUT I GAVE BIRTH TO A BEAUTIFUL SON, THAT I CARRIED IN MY WOMB FOR 8 BEAUTIFUL MONTHS, I ALSO CARRIED 2 OTHER CHILDREN, ALBEIT FOR ONLY A SHORT TIME, 8&9 WEEKS, BUT STILL THEY WERE INSIDE OF ME!! THAT ALONE MAKES ME A MOTHER, NO I DON'T KNOW WHAT IT'S LIKE TO BE A MOTHER TO A LIVING CHILD, DOES THAT MAKE ME LESS OF A MOTHER? Does that mean that mother's day is not for me? That I shouldn't be allowed to celebrate that day, not that I want to, but I'm sure someone reading this understands where I'm coming from.......I just wish that people would think before they open their mouths, that wait, what I'm about to say may really really hurt this person.....I shudder at the thought of ignorance in this matter.........

Does the heartache ever end??

My my my, when it rains it poors...The loneliness I feel for our son is sometimes unbearable, I miss him terribly, there's times I just go in his room and hold and rock his outfit as if I'm really holding him..What's wrong with me that I can't let go? Am I weak? Or am I just a mom that misses her angel children like there is no tomorrow...I have been pregnant 3 times and all I have to show for it are pictures, and tears, I could fill a lake or even an ocean with the amount of tears I've shed...A father or mother should never have to say good bye to their children, we've had to do so 3 times...When does the pain end, it still feels so fresh and new.....But it's been 3 months since the most recent loss...I feel like a broken shell of a woman now, like my world has ended....You know we've been married for 2 years, we've been ttc for 2 years, and we have 2 years worth of heartache in that department, Our love has grown stronger, but I don't know how much more loss we can endure...I'm yearning to be a mother, and to raise my children here on earth, I know that I am a mother despite what some have said to me, just to hurt me, but you know I can't let that get to me or to get me down..I've had a lot of hurtful things said to me this past weekend, and from someone that I love dearly, and I don't know how to honestly recover from the words that were spoken. I know the person probably didn't mean it as they were hurting and very stressed to, but nonetheless, it hurt like hell, and ripped a bandaid off of a very raw wound.. I tell myself that they didn't mean it, but what if they did, what if? Those are some very powerful words..All I can tell this person is, I AM A MOM, I DO UNDERSTAND HOW MOM'S FEEL, NO MY CHILD ISN'T LIVING, BUT I GAVE BIRTH TO A BEAUTIFUL SON, THAT I CARRIED IN MY WOMB FOR 8 BEAUTIFUL MONTHS, I ALSO CARRIED 2 OTHER CHILDREN, ALBEIT FOR ONLY A SHORT TIME, 8&9 WEEKS, BUT STILL THEY WERE INSIDE OF ME!! THAT ALONE MAKES ME A MOTHER, NO I DON'T KNOW WHAT IT'S LIKE TO BE A MOTHER TO A LIVING CHILD, DOES THAT MAKE ME LESS OF A MOTHER? Does that mean that mother's day is not for me? That I shouldn't be allowed to celebrate that day, not that I want to, but I'm sure someone reading this understands where I'm coming from.......I just wish that people would think before they open their mouths, that wait, what I'm about to say may really really hurt this person.....I shudder at the thought of ignorance in this matter.........

Saturday, April 19, 2008

a lonely time to turn 30

Wow what a time to be turning 30, generally I'd be excited for my birthday, but this year I can't even think that tomorrow I will be turning 30, empty arms..I always thought that I would be a mommy by the time I was 30, and I was so excited to be holding an approximate 6 week old little boy in my arms, getting my fill of birthday kisses from my sweet little son....Lord I miss him, I miss him so terribly, I wish that I could just go and hold him, and smell his hair, and his baby breath, to feel his heart beating against my chest as I rocked him, I miss you Tristan Alexander I miss you so much... Monday you would be 3 months old if you would have lived on that dreadful day baby....I can't believe that three long months have gone by without you....I think of you every second of the day, if I leave I hurry to get back to you, well your pictures......We love you sweet heart!!

Wishing for lots of angel kisses for my birthday............

a lonely time to turn 30

Wow what a time to be turning 30, generally I'd be excited for my birthday, but this year I can't even think that tomorrow I will be turning 30, empty arms..I always thought that I would be a mommy by the time I was 30, and I was so excited to be holding an approximate 6 week old little boy in my arms, getting my fill of birthday kisses from my sweet little son....Lord I miss him, I miss him so terribly, I wish that I could just go and hold him, and smell his hair, and his baby breath, to feel his heart beating against my chest as I rocked him, I miss you Tristan Alexander I miss you so much... Monday you would be 3 months old if you would have lived on that dreadful day baby....I can't believe that three long months have gone by without you....I think of you every second of the day, if I leave I hurry to get back to you, well your pictures......We love you sweet heart!!

Wishing for lots of angel kisses for my birthday............

Wednesday, April 16, 2008

a peice of my heart

You know you hear it all the time, "they took a piece of my heart with them", I never truely understood that saying until, my first pregnancy ended in a miscarriage, I knew from the beginning that I wouldn't be able to keep that baby, we had fought to sustain the pregnancy from very early on, well after we lost the baby, they sent the tissue off for testing and we were delighted but saddened to hear it was a perfect male!! Our first son, well we decided to name him Xavier Ahren, that's the first time in my life I felt a piece of my heart die......then we got preg again in Dec 06 well you guessed it, we had another miscarriage, this one was classified as a blighted ovum, so no test results, we tried, but they just didn't develop, again another piece of my heart dies......Then fast forward 4 months later, we're pregnant again, of course I'm gaurded at this time for sure the pregnancy is going to fail early on, I prayed, and prayed so hard, and the pregnancy didn't fail, we carried that baby til we were 8 months pregnant.....33 weeks along, and then the most horrible thing happened, our precious little baby died, never in a million years did I imagine that kind of pain, nor did I imagine that I would be sitting here typing about my baby boy that is no longer with me, I imagined that I would probably be having a heck of a time getting the monkey to sleep!! This is in no way that I had imagined my life to be at this point, again a piece of my heart died, so sadly when someone says that I can look them directly in the eyes and say you know what? I know exactly how you feel!! It hurts like hell, and it sucks big time..... I should be having play dates, and doing everything that any other mother to a living child should be doing.........I miss my children everyday, and can't wait til the day I can meet them at heavens gate and wrap my arms around each and every one of them and get those pieces of my heart back...But until then, instead of one little boy sized whole in my heart, I have 3......I always considered the blighted ovum would have been a boy too, but sadly we'll never know.... Sadly we'll never know if my body can carry a baby full term and the baby live, I'd like to think so, I would like to think that my body has not failed me after everything I've been through to get to this point in my life!!



Tristan mommy and daddy loves you and your brothers, hold each other close til we can come to see you!! And thank you for coming and laying next to me this morning, I just know it was you!!! I love you sweet heart, we love you all so very very much......


Oh I must tell you all this morning I was laying in bed trying to go back to sleep, and I just cried out "Tristan I wish you could come lay next to mommy I miss you" and I swear at that moment my bed just got so very warm, and this sense of peace just washed over me< I personally think that he's been with me all day from that moment on, I've felt very at peace today!!! Thank you Tristan, you are an amazing son!! We love you monkey
Love you forever mommy and daddy!!

a peice of my heart

You know you hear it all the time, "they took a piece of my heart with them", I never truely understood that saying until, my first pregnancy ended in a miscarriage, I knew from the beginning that I wouldn't be able to keep that baby, we had fought to sustain the pregnancy from very early on, well after we lost the baby, they sent the tissue off for testing and we were delighted but saddened to hear it was a perfect male!! Our first son, well we decided to name him Xavier Ahren, that's the first time in my life I felt a piece of my heart die......then we got preg again in Dec 06 well you guessed it, we had another miscarriage, this one was classified as a blighted ovum, so no test results, we tried, but they just didn't develop, again another piece of my heart dies......Then fast forward 4 months later, we're pregnant again, of course I'm gaurded at this time for sure the pregnancy is going to fail early on, I prayed, and prayed so hard, and the pregnancy didn't fail, we carried that baby til we were 8 months pregnant.....33 weeks along, and then the most horrible thing happened, our precious little baby died, never in a million years did I imagine that kind of pain, nor did I imagine that I would be sitting here typing about my baby boy that is no longer with me, I imagined that I would probably be having a heck of a time getting the monkey to sleep!! This is in no way that I had imagined my life to be at this point, again a piece of my heart died, so sadly when someone says that I can look them directly in the eyes and say you know what? I know exactly how you feel!! It hurts like hell, and it sucks big time..... I should be having play dates, and doing everything that any other mother to a living child should be doing.........I miss my children everyday, and can't wait til the day I can meet them at heavens gate and wrap my arms around each and every one of them and get those pieces of my heart back...But until then, instead of one little boy sized whole in my heart, I have 3......I always considered the blighted ovum would have been a boy too, but sadly we'll never know.... Sadly we'll never know if my body can carry a baby full term and the baby live, I'd like to think so, I would like to think that my body has not failed me after everything I've been through to get to this point in my life!!



Tristan mommy and daddy loves you and your brothers, hold each other close til we can come to see you!! And thank you for coming and laying next to me this morning, I just know it was you!!! I love you sweet heart, we love you all so very very much......


Oh I must tell you all this morning I was laying in bed trying to go back to sleep, and I just cried out "Tristan I wish you could come lay next to mommy I miss you" and I swear at that moment my bed just got so very warm, and this sense of peace just washed over me< I personally think that he's been with me all day from that moment on, I've felt very at peace today!!! Thank you Tristan, you are an amazing son!! We love you monkey
Love you forever mommy and daddy!!

Monday, April 14, 2008

The best friends are some that I've never physically met but love like they're family


We first met, in Sept/Oct 06 we all had experienced a loss, and that brought together such a friendship that I never knew was imaginable...They're more like an extended family to me, There are about 36 of us, and if we were ever to have a reunion or meeting, the town we decide on had better watch out, they'll be full of poas addicts, ttc obssesors, happy momma's you name it we're there!!! I think that would be the most amazing fun a bunch of women could ever have!! Well anyway the moral of this post is I couldn't have made it through all 3 of my losses without these ladies, they have been so amazing, and supportive...Losing Tristan, I believe has brought all 36 of us even closer, you see they watched me journey through to get pregnant with Tristan, they knew my chart probably as good as they knew their own, they cheered me on through the 2ww, they cheered me on and prayed hard when I had first trimester bleeding and put on bedrest for 7 weeks, they were excited every week when I would post a new pic, they cheered with me on every ultrasound, they were virtually by my side the entire 33 weeks, they were the 1st ones we called after having Tristan, and boy did they start the prayers, and thoughts for us, they rallied together and took care of food for us, they were there for me when I was ready to post and tell my story......And 3 months later they haven't forgotten my little man, they still send random things to let us know they are thinking of us, they will talk with me for hours if I wanted to just about Tristan, I couldn't ask for a better circle of friends and support, I wish I lived so much closer to them than I do, I would give each and every one of them a hug!! The picture above just shows how thoughtful and caring and just how much love they have for Aaron, Tristan and I....Thank you so much my very dear friends on the Sept/Oct angels, I love you all!!!

The best friends are some that I've never physically met but love like they're family


We first met, in Sept/Oct 06 we all had experienced a loss, and that brought together such a friendship that I never knew was imaginable...They're more like an extended family to me, There are about 36 of us, and if we were ever to have a reunion or meeting, the town we decide on had better watch out, they'll be full of poas addicts, ttc obssesors, happy momma's you name it we're there!!! I think that would be the most amazing fun a bunch of women could ever have!! Well anyway the moral of this post is I couldn't have made it through all 3 of my losses without these ladies, they have been so amazing, and supportive...Losing Tristan, I believe has brought all 36 of us even closer, you see they watched me journey through to get pregnant with Tristan, they knew my chart probably as good as they knew their own, they cheered me on through the 2ww, they cheered me on and prayed hard when I had first trimester bleeding and put on bedrest for 7 weeks, they were excited every week when I would post a new pic, they cheered with me on every ultrasound, they were virtually by my side the entire 33 weeks, they were the 1st ones we called after having Tristan, and boy did they start the prayers, and thoughts for us, they rallied together and took care of food for us, they were there for me when I was ready to post and tell my story......And 3 months later they haven't forgotten my little man, they still send random things to let us know they are thinking of us, they will talk with me for hours if I wanted to just about Tristan, I couldn't ask for a better circle of friends and support, I wish I lived so much closer to them than I do, I would give each and every one of them a hug!! The picture above just shows how thoughtful and caring and just how much love they have for Aaron, Tristan and I....Thank you so much my very dear friends on the Sept/Oct angels, I love you all!!!

Sunday, April 13, 2008


Tristan baby mommy and daddy love you so much, we miss you terribly!!! There isn't a day that goes by that I don't question why you were taken so soon from us, but I don't question our love for you....I wish I could fly right up to heaven and bring you back with me.......It was so amazing to hold you, someone a little human that your daddy and I made out of love!! You look so much like both of us, I have studied your pictures like there is no tomorrow, I can see every detail with my eyes closed, your arms, and hands are definately your mommas and your nose, hair, eyes, feet baby those are your daddy's and your top lip, that looks like mommys, and your bottom lip, looks just like your papa, you are so beautiful, If only you could have stayed with us, baby mommy and daddy will hold you again, I promise, we will!!! We love you our sweet baby boy, I hope you come to visit and bring us some of your sweet sweet angel kisses..
Love you every second of every day,
mom and dad

Tristan baby mommy and daddy love you so much, we miss you terribly!!! There isn't a day that goes by that I don't question why you were taken so soon from us, but I don't question our love for you....I wish I could fly right up to heaven and bring you back with me.......It was so amazing to hold you, someone a little human that your daddy and I made out of love!! You look so much like both of us, I have studied your pictures like there is no tomorrow, I can see every detail with my eyes closed, your arms, and hands are definately your mommas and your nose, hair, eyes, feet baby those are your daddy's and your top lip, that looks like mommys, and your bottom lip, looks just like your papa, you are so beautiful, If only you could have stayed with us, baby mommy and daddy will hold you again, I promise, we will!!! We love you our sweet baby boy, I hope you come to visit and bring us some of your sweet sweet angel kisses..
Love you every second of every day,
mom and dad

Saturday, April 12, 2008

A strange sense of calm

Today I've had a strange sense of calm all around me, I almost feel as though I'm being carried on angels wings....Today while doing some grocery shopping they were playing over the rainbow, and I just thought that it was Tristan, telling us it was ok, there were tons of pg women and tons of infants in Walmart as always, and for the first time I didn't get in the car out of breath and bursting into tears, it was weird...I've been asking Tristan if he was ok with us trying again, and I think these small things are signs...Am I crazy? Maybe, but if it makes me feel better to think and believe these things then how can that be crazy? I miss my son more than anything, and I've had to fight to even leave my house, and I have to say that sadly I'm proud of myself cause I can leave now, albeit not for too long, but eventually I assume that will come...My 30th birthday is coming up and it's hard, I always thought that I would have little rugrats running around by now, or at least Tristan, Tristan, should be here, he was so close, we were so close to having him here and being parents...The bottles are still in the cabinet, the crib and nursery are still set up and made....Although instead of a baby, I have memorial items in his crib...I walk in his room and take a big smell and I swear it smells just like him....And he's never been in there, I know it's from his clothes that he wore at the hospital, and the other things that had his scent on it, I do keep that door closed.... Why God did you take Tristan? Why God do I feel so calm tonight? Today? Is Tristan really with me right now? Is he the little angel that's carrying me through my day? I'd like to believe so..

Tristan Mommy and Daddy love you so very much, I miss you, and see you in every baby's face I see...I don't know how each day is going to be, but the one thing that I look forward to is talking to you, and sending you my kisses....Although I really wish you were here to kiss!! I love you sweet heart!!
Love you forever,
Mom and Dad!

A strange sense of calm

Today I've had a strange sense of calm all around me, I almost feel as though I'm being carried on angels wings....Today while doing some grocery shopping they were playing over the rainbow, and I just thought that it was Tristan, telling us it was ok, there were tons of pg women and tons of infants in Walmart as always, and for the first time I didn't get in the car out of breath and bursting into tears, it was weird...I've been asking Tristan if he was ok with us trying again, and I think these small things are signs...Am I crazy? Maybe, but if it makes me feel better to think and believe these things then how can that be crazy? I miss my son more than anything, and I've had to fight to even leave my house, and I have to say that sadly I'm proud of myself cause I can leave now, albeit not for too long, but eventually I assume that will come...My 30th birthday is coming up and it's hard, I always thought that I would have little rugrats running around by now, or at least Tristan, Tristan, should be here, he was so close, we were so close to having him here and being parents...The bottles are still in the cabinet, the crib and nursery are still set up and made....Although instead of a baby, I have memorial items in his crib...I walk in his room and take a big smell and I swear it smells just like him....And he's never been in there, I know it's from his clothes that he wore at the hospital, and the other things that had his scent on it, I do keep that door closed.... Why God did you take Tristan? Why God do I feel so calm tonight? Today? Is Tristan really with me right now? Is he the little angel that's carrying me through my day? I'd like to believe so..

Tristan Mommy and Daddy love you so very much, I miss you, and see you in every baby's face I see...I don't know how each day is going to be, but the one thing that I look forward to is talking to you, and sending you my kisses....Although I really wish you were here to kiss!! I love you sweet heart!!
Love you forever,
Mom and Dad!

Friday, April 11, 2008

Death Certificate

We got Tristan's birth certificate the other day, it was expected in the mail, but it still felt like a punch in the stomach when it arrived....Here are a few pictures....
Photobucket
Photobucket
Photobucket





And although we're still waiting on them, we got the bereavement announcements from simply-yours-creations.com
Photobucket
Photobucket

Death Certificate

We got Tristan's birth certificate the other day, it was expected in the mail, but it still felt like a punch in the stomach when it arrived....Here are a few pictures....
Photobucket
Photobucket
Photobucket





And although we're still waiting on them, we got the bereavement announcements from simply-yours-creations.com
Photobucket
Photobucket

I miss you so.......

Tristan,
Mommy and daddy misses you so much, I can't believe your gone, I miss you, Thank you for the song today, I know that was from you kiddo, and it was our favorite song huh?? I love you Tristan.....I wish I could see you, and how you are doing.....Well sweetheart, mommy must go to bed, I just wish I could kiss your little nose goodnight, and feel your breath on my cheek, I wish that I could see your big brown eyes.....You had your daddy's eyes, you have your daddy's hair, feet, nose, and cheeks, you had mommy's arms, hands, lips and wrists, and your ears are like mommies, oh i love those little ears....and those long fingers, and those beautiful little lips, your bottom lip is just like papa's!! Baby you're so beautiful and perfect all the way around, I guess that saying is correct, you were to perfect for this earth!! So perfect infact Jesus wanted to take you back!! I hope you and Jesus are busy picking out your beautiful little brother or sister, I hope that we're allowed to raise them, as we wanted to with you....We wanted to teach you about Jesus, but he's going to have to teach you about us, ,I wanted to teach you to crawl and walk, but instead you get to fly with those beautiful little wings....Baby I just hope that you didn't suffer, i pray that you went peacefully, I have a hard time dealing with not knowing....I only imagine how it was for you, when my body failed you, and the placenta ripped away from the uterus, did you grasp for air, did you scratch yourself trying to breath, did it hurt, mommy is so so sorry, I feel so guilty baby, I wish I could have gone through that instead of you...I wish that God would have taken me instead of you....But I know that you and your daddy and I will meet again, that is one promise I will keep!!! I love you sweet heart, I love you with every inch of my heart and soul!! And daddy loves you, I hope you're visiting him in his dreams right now,and giving him angel kisses! Watch over him as he works sweetie, we love you honey.
Love you always
Mommy

I miss you so.......

Tristan,
Mommy and daddy misses you so much, I can't believe your gone, I miss you, Thank you for the song today, I know that was from you kiddo, and it was our favorite song huh?? I love you Tristan.....I wish I could see you, and how you are doing.....Well sweetheart, mommy must go to bed, I just wish I could kiss your little nose goodnight, and feel your breath on my cheek, I wish that I could see your big brown eyes.....You had your daddy's eyes, you have your daddy's hair, feet, nose, and cheeks, you had mommy's arms, hands, lips and wrists, and your ears are like mommies, oh i love those little ears....and those long fingers, and those beautiful little lips, your bottom lip is just like papa's!! Baby you're so beautiful and perfect all the way around, I guess that saying is correct, you were to perfect for this earth!! So perfect infact Jesus wanted to take you back!! I hope you and Jesus are busy picking out your beautiful little brother or sister, I hope that we're allowed to raise them, as we wanted to with you....We wanted to teach you about Jesus, but he's going to have to teach you about us, ,I wanted to teach you to crawl and walk, but instead you get to fly with those beautiful little wings....Baby I just hope that you didn't suffer, i pray that you went peacefully, I have a hard time dealing with not knowing....I only imagine how it was for you, when my body failed you, and the placenta ripped away from the uterus, did you grasp for air, did you scratch yourself trying to breath, did it hurt, mommy is so so sorry, I feel so guilty baby, I wish I could have gone through that instead of you...I wish that God would have taken me instead of you....But I know that you and your daddy and I will meet again, that is one promise I will keep!!! I love you sweet heart, I love you with every inch of my heart and soul!! And daddy loves you, I hope you're visiting him in his dreams right now,and giving him angel kisses! Watch over him as he works sweetie, we love you honey.
Love you always
Mommy

prayer

O God, you know the emptiness of my heart. Sometimes I wonder if you are there—if you hear—if there is any hope that my situation will be different. When loneliness looms around me, when my questions are unanswered, when no one seems to care, when days and nights go on and on with no change, when I fall deeper into despair, I pray that you will let your peace fall upon me as gently as the spring rain that waters the earth. Remind me of your unconditional and eternal love for me. Assure me of your presence. Fill my heart with the hope that my life is held in your hand. Lift my pain from me so that joy may flow freely again through me. I ask this for the sake of your love. Amen.


prayer

O God, you know the emptiness of my heart. Sometimes I wonder if you are there—if you hear—if there is any hope that my situation will be different. When loneliness looms around me, when my questions are unanswered, when no one seems to care, when days and nights go on and on with no change, when I fall deeper into despair, I pray that you will let your peace fall upon me as gently as the spring rain that waters the earth. Remind me of your unconditional and eternal love for me. Assure me of your presence. Fill my heart with the hope that my life is held in your hand. Lift my pain from me so that joy may flow freely again through me. I ask this for the sake of your love. Amen.

prayer

O God, you know the emptiness of my heart. Sometimes I wonder if you are there—if you hear—if there is any hope that my situation will be different. When loneliness looms around me, when my questions are unanswered, when no one seems to care, when days and nights go on and on with no change, when I fall deeper into despair, I pray that you will let your peace fall upon me as gently as the spring rain that waters the earth. Remind me of your unconditional and eternal love for me. Assure me of your presence. Fill my heart with the hope that my life is held in your hand. Lift my pain from me so that joy may flow freely again through me. I ask this for the sake of your love. Amen.

Thursday, April 10, 2008

I don't even know where to begin, my mind has been in a million places and back just this morning...I'm in a fair mood, I guess peaceful would be the appropriate word..I just really miss you Tristan, my life is at a stand still without you.....As we embark on the trying to conceive journey again, all I can think about is this isn't right, we shouldn't be worrying about making a baby, we should be worrying about sleepless nights, and you holding your head up and smiling......according to baby center you should be starting to roll over, but instead your flying, you'll never crawl, for you have a beautiful set of wings now that will take you where ever you want to go....God mommy misses you sweetie.....I would give anything to have you in my arms right now...By gestational age you should only be going on 4 weeks old, by the time you were born, your coming up on 12 weeks......Do you hear me when I talk to you? Do you feel our kisses we send to you? Are you ok with us trying to bring you an earth brother or sister? I miss you Tristan, I really really do, I just hope you don't feel like mommies trying to replace you, sweetie there's no one that could ever do that!! Your daddy misses you like crazy too, it's really warming up here now, and we had so many plans with you for this spring/summer...I only can wish that you're watching over mommy and daddy, and sending us lots and lots of you little kisses...Baby momma loves you dearly....I've made your resting place really nice for you, it's so cute, I put your little block and butterflies with you, and daddy got a robotic bug for you, and we gave you our dragons, grandpa and daddy would have loved to share their dragon slaying stories with you ;p!! We love you so much munchkin...Keep sliding down the rainbows......And thank you for the visit, it was so beautiful....I love you Tristan Alexander!!!
I don't even know where to begin, my mind has been in a million places and back just this morning...I'm in a fair mood, I guess peaceful would be the appropriate word..I just really miss you Tristan, my life is at a stand still without you.....As we embark on the trying to conceive journey again, all I can think about is this isn't right, we shouldn't be worrying about making a baby, we should be worrying about sleepless nights, and you holding your head up and smiling......according to baby center you should be starting to roll over, but instead your flying, you'll never crawl, for you have a beautiful set of wings now that will take you where ever you want to go....God mommy misses you sweetie.....I would give anything to have you in my arms right now...By gestational age you should only be going on 4 weeks old, by the time you were born, your coming up on 12 weeks......Do you hear me when I talk to you? Do you feel our kisses we send to you? Are you ok with us trying to bring you an earth brother or sister? I miss you Tristan, I really really do, I just hope you don't feel like mommies trying to replace you, sweetie there's no one that could ever do that!! Your daddy misses you like crazy too, it's really warming up here now, and we had so many plans with you for this spring/summer...I only can wish that you're watching over mommy and daddy, and sending us lots and lots of you little kisses...Baby momma loves you dearly....I've made your resting place really nice for you, it's so cute, I put your little block and butterflies with you, and daddy got a robotic bug for you, and we gave you our dragons, grandpa and daddy would have loved to share their dragon slaying stories with you ;p!! We love you so much munchkin...Keep sliding down the rainbows......And thank you for the visit, it was so beautiful....I love you Tristan Alexander!!!

Friday, April 4, 2008

My dear Tristan,
My sweet boy mommy misses you so very much, as I was out cleaning the yard today I was thinking what it would have been like to watch you play in the leaves!! And a few songs came on that made me think you had a hand in them playing ;p!! Well sweetie mommy just wanted to say that I love you very much and miss you terribly!
Love you always
Mommy
My dear Tristan,
My sweet boy mommy misses you so very much, as I was out cleaning the yard today I was thinking what it would have been like to watch you play in the leaves!! And a few songs came on that made me think you had a hand in them playing ;p!! Well sweetie mommy just wanted to say that I love you very much and miss you terribly!
Love you always
Mommy

Thursday, April 3, 2008

I truely hope that i've done this right....this has me a little confused, well just wondering if i'm doing this blog right...
I truely hope that i've done this right....this has me a little confused, well just wondering if i'm doing this blog right...
http://tristan-goodwin.memory-of.com/About.aspx
http://tristan-goodwin.memory-of.com/About.aspx

A slide show

This is my slide show of my journey with Tristan, which truely was a beautiful journey, I had no complaints the entire pregnancy!! For the full effect it's best to have speaker's up..


View this montage created at One True Media
Tristan Alexander 6/27/07-1/21/08

A slide show

This is my slide show of my journey with Tristan, which truely was a beautiful journey, I had no complaints the entire pregnancy!! For the full effect it's best to have speaker's up..


View this montage created at One True Media
Tristan Alexander 6/27/07-1/21/08

My story

I realize it's late but I wanted to share my story, I haven't been able to write for a while, I'm trying to find my writing spirit again, so thought I would start from the beginning.....

Tristan Alexander Goodwin
After losing 2 pregnancies early in pg, I lost the first a little boy Xavier Ahren at 9 w 5 d, and then a blighted ovum at 8 w 3 d, well in June of '07 we were blessed with our little Tristan, we were trying so I was kind of hoping for my bfp, I will never forget the day 6/27/07, 2 days after cutting my hair for the 1st time in 5 years!! Well fast forward, we have some first trimester bleeding, I start on Prometrium ( I always have progesterone issues) and put on bedrest from 5 weeks to 12 weeks, at 12 weeks everything was perfect, you can about imagine how exited we were, we were finally going to be parents, we had passed that trying first trimester....On to 19 weeks, we have a boy's name and girls name picked out, we are so elated to find out we're having a little boy, Daddy's little huntin buddy and mommies cuddle bug, oh we were so excited, we would talk all the time about Tristan, I was getting his nursery done, slowly, but having fun with it......fast forward to 30 w 5d we are having 3/d pics made of our little guy, how cute was he!? He loved his foot, he constantly had his foot infront of his face, he was smiling, and just looked so precious and perfect, there was one time he got upset, you could just see it on his face, it's like leave me alone already I'm trying to sleep in here!! It was so funny and cute, I just knew he was going to be full of personality, little did I know what was ahead of us in the next couple weeks....
31 w 3 d I was admitted into the hospital for a virus, I was throwing up, couldn't hold anything down and we were afraid of getting dehydrated and going into preterm labor, well I get better and get to go home, everything is perfect, Tristan is moving around like crazy, and since I was so tired from being sick, I was just relaxing and resting as much as I could, well 33 weeks exactly and I'm sitting at my desk, posting on my baby board when I was finished I was going to get up and start cleaning up well tmi I had been a little on the constipated side and was starting to get a cramp, so I thought I was just going to have to use the restroom, well I didn't realize how sharp the cramp was til I stood and it was like a hot poker going from the center of my abdomen straight through my back and out the other side, I tiptoed to the b/r, and when I sat and pushed just a little, enough to empty my bladder, I hear a pop, and then a gush of liquid just started pouring out of me, the cramp was getting more intense, and I sat there and thought to myself ok my water just broke, i'm 33 weeks, we can handle nicu for a few weeks, Tristan is coming today!!! Then I notice the water looks really dark, so I wipe and there it is blood and lots of it, and clots as big as my hand! I was so scared I put some tissue there and went to get the phone called my husband, and he was on his way home, he called 911 for me as I was starting to feel really faint, the room was spinning, I was so hot and sweaty, and felt so much pain, like a ripping sensation circling around my stomach to back, it was intense. Then the ambulance arrive, a couple of incompetent morons, when they walked in the house they look at me and ask me the stupidest question
amb: are you bleeding
me: yes
amb: are you passing clots
me::yes
amb: well you miscarried
me: crying and begging please don't say that
amb:well that's what happens when you're pregnant and bleed, can you get yourself on the gurney
me: yes, (throw up all over my floor)
amb: shoves bag in my hand and informs me not to throw up in his bus
then proceeds to carry me out of my house with no blanket in only a tshirt and panties, I was appalled then roll me over those stepping stones, instead of picking the gurney up, then they leave my house after being told on 3 different occasions that we're going to Women's and Childrens, and my dr is dr hill they went the wrong direction TWICE!! I notice out the back window that we're passing Lafayette General which is about 15 minutes from my house, vs. W&C that is 5 mins from my house.....Well my mom, and Aaron both beat me to the hospital, we finally get there and all they've done for me is give me an iv of saline, by this time I'm not 100% completly coherent anymore, I vaguelly remember seeing my mom and brother, but I do remember getting into triage up at L&D she couldn't find the heartbeat and I kept telling Aaron that Tristan's gone, they kept telling me no maybe he's just in a position where we can't find it! Then I remember hearing Aaron say her eyes are rolling back, the next I remember hearing her say she's 2cm dialeted then o shit I need help in here, and they started rubbing my chest rather hard, and slapping my face, I remember hearing and feeling this but I couldn't respond, I remember a room and a lot of people and the words start cpr, we need to intubate, and then I remember opening my eyes and my dr was there telling me they couldn't find any fetal heart activity,and needed to operate fast to see where I was bleeding from cause I was losing a lot of blood, they wouldn't let aaron back there with me, well the next thing I remember was someone saying there's going to be a slight pinch in your throat, well at that exact moment my throat closed up, I couldn't cry, scream, nothing, I was so scared I remember grabbing the 2 people next to me and at that moment I remember the feel of my dr cutting me open and I tried to move my legs and couldn't as they were strapped down, then everything went black.....When I woke up they were wheeling me into recovery(happens to be the exact same place they took me after my 2 d&c's....) well I remember reaching for my belly and asking crying out for Tristan, and the nurse and social worker and Aaron were there, (he'd already seen Tristan, I didnt' know this yet) But the look on his face told me everything I needed to know, and that's when I lost it, and Ms. Mary the social worker then asked if I would like to see and hold my son, and she explained what he would look like and what i should expect, and that he was bleeding some so I had to keep a wash cloth under his mouth..oh he was so beautiful, I will never forget the feel of him in my arms, the smell of him, the feel of his lips when I kissed them, and the brown of his eye, when I snuck a peek...there he was my little Tristan, the same little guy that was having a kick boxing class that morning was no laying lifeless in my arms, it's still so hard to grasp, it's been 10 weeks and i am just now getting to the point where being around my bff's baby is pleasurable, I can play with her and yearn for what I don't have, and it hurts, but it also feels perfect....I can't explain the feeling I have when I have her in my arms....I"m just now cleaning my house, getting out in public, and it sucks, but I have to push forward, Tristan wouldn't want me to remain sad, although my sadness will never leave me, I had/have to force myself out of severe depression, and the only way I can do that is to keep my hands and mind busy!! I still have and still visit his room/crib several times a day, i will hold his outfit and rock it, as if I were rocking him and look out the window up at the sky and just talk to him, his outfit, socks, bonnet, and the little plastic brush they used on him still smell so much like him, I smell them daily, I feel him all around me, and I'm feeling at peace today..It's odd to feel at peace...


I will continue to post on my blog, as that felt like a wonderful release getting all that out!! Thank you for having this for us!!

My story

I realize it's late but I wanted to share my story, I haven't been able to write for a while, I'm trying to find my writing spirit again, so thought I would start from the beginning.....

Tristan Alexander Goodwin
After losing 2 pregnancies early in pg, I lost the first a little boy Xavier Ahren at 9 w 5 d, and then a blighted ovum at 8 w 3 d, well in June of '07 we were blessed with our little Tristan, we were trying so I was kind of hoping for my bfp, I will never forget the day 6/27/07, 2 days after cutting my hair for the 1st time in 5 years!! Well fast forward, we have some first trimester bleeding, I start on Prometrium ( I always have progesterone issues) and put on bedrest from 5 weeks to 12 weeks, at 12 weeks everything was perfect, you can about imagine how exited we were, we were finally going to be parents, we had passed that trying first trimester....On to 19 weeks, we have a boy's name and girls name picked out, we are so elated to find out we're having a little boy, Daddy's little huntin buddy and mommies cuddle bug, oh we were so excited, we would talk all the time about Tristan, I was getting his nursery done, slowly, but having fun with it......fast forward to 30 w 5d we are having 3/d pics made of our little guy, how cute was he!? He loved his foot, he constantly had his foot infront of his face, he was smiling, and just looked so precious and perfect, there was one time he got upset, you could just see it on his face, it's like leave me alone already I'm trying to sleep in here!! It was so funny and cute, I just knew he was going to be full of personality, little did I know what was ahead of us in the next couple weeks....
31 w 3 d I was admitted into the hospital for a virus, I was throwing up, couldn't hold anything down and we were afraid of getting dehydrated and going into preterm labor, well I get better and get to go home, everything is perfect, Tristan is moving around like crazy, and since I was so tired from being sick, I was just relaxing and resting as much as I could, well 33 weeks exactly and I'm sitting at my desk, posting on my baby board when I was finished I was going to get up and start cleaning up well tmi I had been a little on the constipated side and was starting to get a cramp, so I thought I was just going to have to use the restroom, well I didn't realize how sharp the cramp was til I stood and it was like a hot poker going from the center of my abdomen straight through my back and out the other side, I tiptoed to the b/r, and when I sat and pushed just a little, enough to empty my bladder, I hear a pop, and then a gush of liquid just started pouring out of me, the cramp was getting more intense, and I sat there and thought to myself ok my water just broke, i'm 33 weeks, we can handle nicu for a few weeks, Tristan is coming today!!! Then I notice the water looks really dark, so I wipe and there it is blood and lots of it, and clots as big as my hand! I was so scared I put some tissue there and went to get the phone called my husband, and he was on his way home, he called 911 for me as I was starting to feel really faint, the room was spinning, I was so hot and sweaty, and felt so much pain, like a ripping sensation circling around my stomach to back, it was intense. Then the ambulance arrive, a couple of incompetent morons, when they walked in the house they look at me and ask me the stupidest question
amb: are you bleeding
me: yes
amb: are you passing clots
me::yes
amb: well you miscarried
me: crying and begging please don't say that
amb:well that's what happens when you're pregnant and bleed, can you get yourself on the gurney
me: yes, (throw up all over my floor)
amb: shoves bag in my hand and informs me not to throw up in his bus
then proceeds to carry me out of my house with no blanket in only a tshirt and panties, I was appalled then roll me over those stepping stones, instead of picking the gurney up, then they leave my house after being told on 3 different occasions that we're going to Women's and Childrens, and my dr is dr hill they went the wrong direction TWICE!! I notice out the back window that we're passing Lafayette General which is about 15 minutes from my house, vs. W&C that is 5 mins from my house.....Well my mom, and Aaron both beat me to the hospital, we finally get there and all they've done for me is give me an iv of saline, by this time I'm not 100% completly coherent anymore, I vaguelly remember seeing my mom and brother, but I do remember getting into triage up at L&D she couldn't find the heartbeat and I kept telling Aaron that Tristan's gone, they kept telling me no maybe he's just in a position where we can't find it! Then I remember hearing Aaron say her eyes are rolling back, the next I remember hearing her say she's 2cm dialeted then o shit I need help in here, and they started rubbing my chest rather hard, and slapping my face, I remember hearing and feeling this but I couldn't respond, I remember a room and a lot of people and the words start cpr, we need to intubate, and then I remember opening my eyes and my dr was there telling me they couldn't find any fetal heart activity,and needed to operate fast to see where I was bleeding from cause I was losing a lot of blood, they wouldn't let aaron back there with me, well the next thing I remember was someone saying there's going to be a slight pinch in your throat, well at that exact moment my throat closed up, I couldn't cry, scream, nothing, I was so scared I remember grabbing the 2 people next to me and at that moment I remember the feel of my dr cutting me open and I tried to move my legs and couldn't as they were strapped down, then everything went black.....When I woke up they were wheeling me into recovery(happens to be the exact same place they took me after my 2 d&c's....) well I remember reaching for my belly and asking crying out for Tristan, and the nurse and social worker and Aaron were there, (he'd already seen Tristan, I didnt' know this yet) But the look on his face told me everything I needed to know, and that's when I lost it, and Ms. Mary the social worker then asked if I would like to see and hold my son, and she explained what he would look like and what i should expect, and that he was bleeding some so I had to keep a wash cloth under his mouth..oh he was so beautiful, I will never forget the feel of him in my arms, the smell of him, the feel of his lips when I kissed them, and the brown of his eye, when I snuck a peek...there he was my little Tristan, the same little guy that was having a kick boxing class that morning was no laying lifeless in my arms, it's still so hard to grasp, it's been 10 weeks and i am just now getting to the point where being around my bff's baby is pleasurable, I can play with her and yearn for what I don't have, and it hurts, but it also feels perfect....I can't explain the feeling I have when I have her in my arms....I"m just now cleaning my house, getting out in public, and it sucks, but I have to push forward, Tristan wouldn't want me to remain sad, although my sadness will never leave me, I had/have to force myself out of severe depression, and the only way I can do that is to keep my hands and mind busy!! I still have and still visit his room/crib several times a day, i will hold his outfit and rock it, as if I were rocking him and look out the window up at the sky and just talk to him, his outfit, socks, bonnet, and the little plastic brush they used on him still smell so much like him, I smell them daily, I feel him all around me, and I'm feeling at peace today..It's odd to feel at peace...


I will continue to post on my blog, as that felt like a wonderful release getting all that out!! Thank you for having this for us!!

Rest in Peace Mommy

PhotobucketPhotobucket