Our Journey.....

January 2001, it was a cold, blistery, icy day in Oklahoma City, the day my future husband asked me to be his girl!!! March 31, 2006 was our wedding day.. We had decided that since we'd already been together for 5 years that we would immediately start trying for a baby. So in April that's what we did.. It took us 3 months and in July we were looking at a positive pregnancy test.. It was the 5th of July.. I remember thinking the 4th that I had to of been pregnant, as the beer just tasted horrible and I was wanting to sleep.. That pregnancy was not the easiest.. We started bleeding from the beginning, it was diagnosed a subchorionic hemorrhage.. It was a huge blood clot between the uterus and placenta.. Well fast forward to 12 weeks after getting off bed rest and having no more bleeding.. We had an ultrasound to find that our precious baby had passed on 3 weeks before.. I had what they called a missed abortion (you won't see me use this term as I HATE it..) So I had to schedule a d n c for the next day.. That morning around 4 am I woke up to severe pains and bleeding only to find out that my body had finally realized that it was miscarrying, so we got bumped up a few hours to do the d n c.. Our dr. sent the 'remains' off to the lab for genetic testing and he called a few weeks later to tell me that our baby was a healthy baby boy.. We named him Xavier Ahren. He was 9 weeks 5 days and our d n c was on 9/19/06.. We were told we could try after our first cycle, so we did, we got pregnant 4 months later, we were excited, yet nervous.. There was no bleeding and our number's were progressing well. Well at 5 weeks we had an u/s.. Nothing but a sac. We were told to come back 2 weeks later, at 7 weeks we went back and still there was only a sac, but a second sac was visible now too..The dr. thought he had seen a second sac at 5 weeks but we didn't think nothing of it.. We were told to come back in a week.. We went back at 8 weeks 3 days, still only a sac, that was starting to shrink, and the second sac completely gone.. We were diagnosed with a blighted ovum and decided to do a d n c right then instead of waiting.. We were devastated, again....We call this baby (well what should have been a baby) February, we needed closure.. well I needed closure) 4 months later, June 27, 2007 could it be? Yes it is, a big fat positive, I couldn't believe it, whoo-hoo we were pregnant again.. I was nervous as all get out, could barely stand myself I was so nervous. We had slight spotting at 5 weeks and went to the ER, only to be told we had a slight subchorionic hemorrhage, you can about guess my nerves shot straight through the roof, great here we go again.... I prepared myself to lose this baby too, but wait, it's 12 weeks and we're still pregnant, and there's a heartbeat?!?! Wow, 19 weeks and it's a BOY?!?! Is this for real? Is this really happening? We're going to be parents for real this time? Little did we know what God had in store for us....... January 21, 2008, Martin Luther King day, Monday, and the beginning of our 33rd week.. Everything started out great, Our little boy had woke me up at 5 am having a little kick-boxing tournament, this was the VERY FIRST time this had ever happened. I went about my morning, got on the computer, was fixing to start chatting with some girlfriends of mine, when I got the most oddest, most painful cramp I've ever gotten.. In all honesty I thought I had to go to the bathroom.. So I finished typing out what I had to say, and headed to the bathroom, the only thing was the pain was overwhelming, I was literally on my tip-toes.. (if I knew then what I know now, I would have just started pushing right then.... :( ) I sat down and hear a pop, gush....My first thought was Oh shit, my water just broke, I'm only 33 weeks, and we still have 7 weeks to go, ok, we can deal with NICU.. But then I look down.. The image I seen will forever haunt me, blood, and lots of it, I've never in all of my life seen so much blood as I did this day.. From here everything went down hill and FAST!! I stood up, grabbed some tissue and put it between my legs and ran to the living room, grabbed the phone, and called my husband, I was so scared, and deep inside, I knew he was gone...But I get a hold of him.. We talk he leaves work.. Well not thinking of the holiday it was I called my dr's office, no answer, I'm starting to feel faint and light headed, so I lay down on the floor, I called the ER and told them what was going on, all they could say is "why are you calling the er?" I just hung up.. Aaron called and was on the phone with 911 when he walked in the house.. He helped me to the living room couch where I laid down and was in so much pain, more pain than I ever imagined possible.. The paramedics showed up. finally.. Well apparently I got the pick of the day, 2 of the most ignorant, most hateful, degrading, pieces of crap people to come help us.. One was a rookie, and the other was a jerk.. The jerk asked me if I was pregnant? Duh, I'm 8 months freaking pregnant!! I'm huge!! He then says "Are you bleeding?" My reply was yes, his was well you miscarried......WHAT?!?! You're seriously going to tell a freaking 8 month pregnant woman that she just miscarried.. I already hated the idiot.. He then asks me if I can get up on my own and move to the gurney, sure I say, and as I do I throw up, he then thrust this bag in my face and say's "throw up in here not in my bus, I just cleaned it" they then proceed to wheel me out of my house, with no blanket on, just panties and a t-shirt.. I asked for my own blanket. Then they wheel me over the stepping stones instead of picking me up and carrying me, this hurt like you wouldn't believe the pain is still very vivid in my mind.. We'd already told them 2 times they've asked what hospital we were going to, twice, Women's and children's.. they get me in the ambulance, and pull out.. They didn't give me oxygen or anything except an iv. of saline.. I keep feeling the need to pass out, and gushes of blood coming out of me.. I told him that I felt like I was going to pass out, and he said there was nothing he could do, I was already laying down. So about this time I look out the window wondering why it's taking so long to get to my hospital, the idiots took me to the wrong hospital... . I keep feeling the need to close my eyes...just go to sleep.. Well they FINALLY get me to Women's and Children's, and upstairs to Labor and Delivery, where I coded, on the spot.. I remember the nurse checking me, and her saying that I was dialated 2 cm, and trying to find Tristan's heartbeat, it wasn't there.. I remember looking to Aaron and saying he's gone honey, my baby's gone, and Aaron, and the nurse both saying no he's probably hiding.. then I vaguely remember hearing Aaron say her eyes are rolling and the nurse saying Oh shit (as she hits the wall) and saying I need help in here.. (Later found out she called a code blue on me).. The next memories are in and out, and still comes back in flashes.. I remember waking in this room, very cold, and 2 people above my head, one woman on man, and I hear them saying we need to intibuate and start cpr, where is everyone at? I remember my dr. Dr. H standing next to me saying "Hi Shannon, it's me Dr. H and there's no fetal heart activity we need to operate immediately to find out where the bleed is before we lose you.. Then I felt him cut me, and everything went black.. The next thing I remember is waking up in the recovery room, looking up and seeing Aaron's face, and knowing that something was VERY wrong.. Then our social worker, Ms. Mary asked me if I would like to hold our son.....This was the first time I seen my little boy, he was gone, lifeless, but the most amazing creature I've ever seen, the most beautiful little boy.. Beings that I had a c section I had to stay in the hospital for a few days.. We were released, on Jan. 24, 2008 and it was hard leaving that hospital with only plants and a memory box full of Tristan's belongings, yet leaving him there.. This blog is full of the last 2 years and the years of battling infertility, and our journey to parent hood, if it's meant to be..

Wednesday, December 31, 2008

A NEW YEAR! A NEW BEGINNING!

First let me say this has been one hell of a year, this time last year I was so excited, only 4 more days til Tristan's first pictures... I can't believe I'm already here at this point in our journey with out our son.
A year in review
2008
Jan. 1-Happy New Year, 30 weeks pg
Jan. 21-Happy Birthday Tristan, you were born sleeping today...
March. 31-our 2nd wedding anniversary
April 10- Aaron quit smoking
April 11- I quit smoking
April 19- my brother attempted suicide
April 20-I turned 30
April 27- my favorite cat Frodo died
June 16-my mother and father's marriage ends
Sept 1-Hurricane Gustav
Sept 22-30 my mom moved to her own place
Oct 9-15 vacation to Oklahoma
Nov. 4- a moment in history has been made, our first black president Obama is elected.
Nov. 25 our pet parakeet Beowulf passed away after living a happy and fun 8 years
Dec. 31-11:59 it's here the end of a year that was yet so hard, and so sad, I pray that 2009 brings us health and happiness, and most of all I pray that God blesses us with a baby this year.......10... 9.... 8... 7... 6 ...5 ....4... 3... 2... 1...
HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!!!

A NEW YEAR! A NEW BEGINNING!

First let me say this has been one hell of a year, this time last year I was so excited, only 4 more days til Tristan's first pictures... I can't believe I'm already here at this point in our journey with out our son.
A year in review
2008
Jan. 1-Happy New Year, 30 weeks pg
Jan. 21-Happy Birthday Tristan, you were born sleeping today...
March. 31-our 2nd wedding anniversary
April 10- Aaron quit smoking
April 11- I quit smoking
April 19- my brother attempted suicide
April 20-I turned 30
April 27- my favorite cat Frodo died
June 16-my mother and father's marriage ends
Sept 1-Hurricane Gustav
Sept 22-30 my mom moved to her own place
Oct 9-15 vacation to Oklahoma
Nov. 4- a moment in history has been made, our first black president Obama is elected.
Nov. 25 our pet parakeet Beowulf passed away after living a happy and fun 8 years
Dec. 31-11:59 it's here the end of a year that was yet so hard, and so sad, I pray that 2009 brings us health and happiness, and most of all I pray that God blesses us with a baby this year.......10... 9.... 8... 7... 6 ...5 ....4... 3... 2... 1...
HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!!!

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

Missing you, loving you, and mourning you..for 350 days.....and forever more..




Tristan, my little guy, my monkey, my dragonfly, my son.. Your daddy and I miss you so much, I feel like we're mourning so much like we were in those first few days, and weeks.. It really feels like that band-aid has been ripped right off of mommy's heart and it's bleeding for you so badly it hurts, I mean it physically hurts.. This year has been so hard sweet heart, I guess with things that have gone on this year I can be great-ful you didn't have to live through most of it, although the very selfish part of me wishes you were here. Your angel friend Macayla's birthday is Thursday, and I can't get her or you off my mind.. And today I hope that you helped that new little angel find their way and that you are playing with that precious soul now.. Son I don't know why you had to go, that has not been revealed to us, although at times I'd like to think I know the reason's why, but then I find myself blaming myself all over again.. I hope that you know I miss you everyday, I love you so much, and would give anything to feel you in my arms this Christmas season. To watch you oohing and awwing over the Christmas lights, you chasing the kitties around, cause I'm sure you'd be close to walking but I'm really sure you'd be superman with your crawling, or better yet a mini little speedracer!!

I can tell that Daddy is really missing you too, he looks so heartbroken and I know that you're with him every day, send him lots of extra loving sweetie!! I've got you all set up by Santa I hope you like it there.. I had visions last year of us pushing Santa's hand over and over again telling the Christmas story, My God Tristan I miss you so very much!! We've gotten a few ornaments for you too, Mommy's friend Kristin sent us one, (the silver one) and Mommy's other friend Jess sent us the other one(clam with a pearl in it), they are both in memory of you.. You have so many people sweetie that love you, and that you have touched. You are a beautiful boy, and you will always be that 4lb baby boy I held in my arms, 350 days ago.

Missing you, loving you, and mourning you..for 350 days.....and forever more..




Tristan, my little guy, my monkey, my dragonfly, my son.. Your daddy and I miss you so much, I feel like we're mourning so much like we were in those first few days, and weeks.. It really feels like that band-aid has been ripped right off of mommy's heart and it's bleeding for you so badly it hurts, I mean it physically hurts.. This year has been so hard sweet heart, I guess with things that have gone on this year I can be great-ful you didn't have to live through most of it, although the very selfish part of me wishes you were here. Your angel friend Macayla's birthday is Thursday, and I can't get her or you off my mind.. And today I hope that you helped that new little angel find their way and that you are playing with that precious soul now.. Son I don't know why you had to go, that has not been revealed to us, although at times I'd like to think I know the reason's why, but then I find myself blaming myself all over again.. I hope that you know I miss you everyday, I love you so much, and would give anything to feel you in my arms this Christmas season. To watch you oohing and awwing over the Christmas lights, you chasing the kitties around, cause I'm sure you'd be close to walking but I'm really sure you'd be superman with your crawling, or better yet a mini little speedracer!!

I can tell that Daddy is really missing you too, he looks so heartbroken and I know that you're with him every day, send him lots of extra loving sweetie!! I've got you all set up by Santa I hope you like it there.. I had visions last year of us pushing Santa's hand over and over again telling the Christmas story, My God Tristan I miss you so very much!! We've gotten a few ornaments for you too, Mommy's friend Kristin sent us one, (the silver one) and Mommy's other friend Jess sent us the other one(clam with a pearl in it), they are both in memory of you.. You have so many people sweetie that love you, and that you have touched. You are a beautiful boy, and you will always be that 4lb baby boy I held in my arms, 350 days ago.

Friday, November 28, 2008

One down 2 to go...

Holiday's that is, I've been anticipating this time of the year since the beginning of last year...Yesterday (Thanksgiving) was wonderful, but also very hard too, the whole day, I felt as though someone was missing, and they were, my son, my dad too, but honestly I missed Tristan more than dad!! We mom, bro, Hubby, and I had a very nice time, My dinner consisted of Turkey perfectly stuffed and roasted, mashed potato casserole,giblet gravy, green bean casserole, beets, candied asparagus, yams, and rolls, my relish tray consisted of pickles 3 different assortments, sweet, dill, and bread and butter, we had pickled okra, black, and 2 kinds of green olives, jellied cranberry, deviled eggs, a wonderful pasta salad, fruit salad and pumpkin pie. We watched House all day as it was the House Thanksgiving Marathon, a HUGE and WONDERFUL break from the normal holiday football... Mom, bro and I played Uno attack, and it was a blast, funny and frustrating that game is!! We all stuffed ourselves, as is normal holiday feast tradition!! It was also a nice distraction, but sadly every hour on the hour I would silently think of what I was doing that time last year, what I was feeling, the tumbles, the bloops, the faint feel of hiccups, the sheer exhaustion (I was falling asleep in a dinner chair last year), this year I had a little more energy.. I had remembered telling Hubby when I was cooking dinner last year, Tristan will be tasting this next year. And this year, I wasn't feeding Tristan this year, but I was thinking of him all day!! I didn't cry, surprisingly..

Christmas is next, I'm thinking about putting away all harvest decorations and bring out Christmas decorations tomorrow while Husband is hunting..This will be hard, I've got Tristan and Frodo and even Beowulf stockings in my Christmas stuff, it's going to be tough.. I just have to push through this, and just do it, it's one step closer to healthy healing!! Knowing and finding comfort that my precious boy is resting in Jesus' arms and that I will be rejoining him one day!!! And who knows maybe little Tristan and his brother's, and our wonderful loved ones that have passed, including our pets, will see us and see our decorations for them this holiday season from Heaven! I find comfort in that thought, even if it's not true!

New Years is next 2008 will be over and it will be 2009, wow a whole year that I was just numbly living through is over, will I continue to feel numb, or will a spark come back? Will we be blessed, or will we continue to have more heartache? A new beginning is what we think every new year is, but when tragedy strikes in the beginning of that New Year, what are you to do? I welcome the end of this last year to come, but I too dread for..............

20 days later, I will be celebrating and mourning the best and worst day of my life.. Some will ask, how can the day that you gave birth to a dead baby be any part of the best day of your life, would not your wedding day be the best day of your life? You're right, my wedding day was the best day of my life, as I joined my life with my soul mate, my best friend, and my love.. But January 21, 2008 at 1:37 my son entered this world, albeit, he was not breathing and his heart was not beating, I met a beautiful baby.. I was so happy to have known him for 8 months 33 weeks when I got a + test I was in love, my love deepend the day I held him in my arms... It was the most horrid day of my life, because I knew that my Husband and I were not bringing our beautiful son home..... He was gone.. Jesus called him home to be with Him...

One down 2 to go...

Holiday's that is, I've been anticipating this time of the year since the beginning of last year...Yesterday (Thanksgiving) was wonderful, but also very hard too, the whole day, I felt as though someone was missing, and they were, my son, my dad too, but honestly I missed Tristan more than dad!! We mom, bro, Hubby, and I had a very nice time, My dinner consisted of Turkey perfectly stuffed and roasted, mashed potato casserole,giblet gravy, green bean casserole, beets, candied asparagus, yams, and rolls, my relish tray consisted of pickles 3 different assortments, sweet, dill, and bread and butter, we had pickled okra, black, and 2 kinds of green olives, jellied cranberry, deviled eggs, a wonderful pasta salad, fruit salad and pumpkin pie. We watched House all day as it was the House Thanksgiving Marathon, a HUGE and WONDERFUL break from the normal holiday football... Mom, bro and I played Uno attack, and it was a blast, funny and frustrating that game is!! We all stuffed ourselves, as is normal holiday feast tradition!! It was also a nice distraction, but sadly every hour on the hour I would silently think of what I was doing that time last year, what I was feeling, the tumbles, the bloops, the faint feel of hiccups, the sheer exhaustion (I was falling asleep in a dinner chair last year), this year I had a little more energy.. I had remembered telling Hubby when I was cooking dinner last year, Tristan will be tasting this next year. And this year, I wasn't feeding Tristan this year, but I was thinking of him all day!! I didn't cry, surprisingly..

Christmas is next, I'm thinking about putting away all harvest decorations and bring out Christmas decorations tomorrow while Husband is hunting..This will be hard, I've got Tristan and Frodo and even Beowulf stockings in my Christmas stuff, it's going to be tough.. I just have to push through this, and just do it, it's one step closer to healthy healing!! Knowing and finding comfort that my precious boy is resting in Jesus' arms and that I will be rejoining him one day!!! And who knows maybe little Tristan and his brother's, and our wonderful loved ones that have passed, including our pets, will see us and see our decorations for them this holiday season from Heaven! I find comfort in that thought, even if it's not true!

New Years is next 2008 will be over and it will be 2009, wow a whole year that I was just numbly living through is over, will I continue to feel numb, or will a spark come back? Will we be blessed, or will we continue to have more heartache? A new beginning is what we think every new year is, but when tragedy strikes in the beginning of that New Year, what are you to do? I welcome the end of this last year to come, but I too dread for..............

20 days later, I will be celebrating and mourning the best and worst day of my life.. Some will ask, how can the day that you gave birth to a dead baby be any part of the best day of your life, would not your wedding day be the best day of your life? You're right, my wedding day was the best day of my life, as I joined my life with my soul mate, my best friend, and my love.. But January 21, 2008 at 1:37 my son entered this world, albeit, he was not breathing and his heart was not beating, I met a beautiful baby.. I was so happy to have known him for 8 months 33 weeks when I got a + test I was in love, my love deepend the day I held him in my arms... It was the most horrid day of my life, because I knew that my Husband and I were not bringing our beautiful son home..... He was gone.. Jesus called him home to be with Him...

Tuesday, November 25, 2008

Tristan..


Today, I seen a blog that I would read they are To write their names in the sand, they are a couple in Australia that write baby's names in the sand, they too know and understand us as bereaved parents feel.. So I'm going to share with you, my beautiful Tristan's name in the sand, all the way across the continents in Australia, it's beautiful!!!


http://namesinthesand.blogspot.com/2008/11/tristan-alexander-goodwin.html

Tristan..


Today, I seen a blog that I would read they are To write their names in the sand, they are a couple in Australia that write baby's names in the sand, they too know and understand us as bereaved parents feel.. So I'm going to share with you, my beautiful Tristan's name in the sand, all the way across the continents in Australia, it's beautiful!!!


http://namesinthesand.blogspot.com/2008/11/tristan-alexander-goodwin.html

When will the year end?

Man the words are really pouring out of me now, the feelings the emotions... I have yet to take my meds today, mainly cause I want to feel this, I need to feel this. I miss my son, I miss my cat, I miss my bird, I miss my parents marriage, I miss the people my husband and I were on Jan. 1 2008. We were so happy, only 2 more months and we should had been meeting our son, instead God had different plants for only 20 days later we met him, he came into this world sleeping... We buried him on Jan. 27, 2008, 3 months later in April, April 19 to be exact my brother attempted suicide,April 27, 3 months to the day of Tristan's funeral, Frodo, our precious little cat died, June 16, my mother and father get into their final fight, my mother's arm is broken, their getting a divorce, Today, we woke up to our budgie, our parakeet, our sweet and LOUD Beowulf.... gone......when does it end, also this year, we've dealt with immense grief, to the point it's causing my wonderful and loving husband to have severe anxiety......... I just want a break, and everyone wonders why I have such headaches, such a weight gain get out and exercise they say. You need to get out more, why in the hell did this entire year have to be so damned hard?? Why can't the pain lesson, why is when the pain does start lessoning why does something else have to come up to make that pain so raw again? What have we done to deserve this?? I can't stand it, I just want to climb up on my roof and scream to the heavens ENOUGH IS ENOUGH!!! I've suffered enough Father, I'm on my knees begging for relief please stop this pain!!! Please please stop taking everyone, and every loved pet from me!!!

I'm sorry for my crazy ramblings, I just can't for the life of me understand what is going on, and why do I feel like my little family here is being picked on?? This has been one of the worst years of my life!! My 2 years of marriage has endured a lot we've been put through some tough tests!! I hope this indicates a part of our future you know the security, and stability part of our future, we have certainly made it through some times that would seperate some couples.......

I just do know that something has to give, I pray nightly that the Lord will hold us always....

When will the year end?

Man the words are really pouring out of me now, the feelings the emotions... I have yet to take my meds today, mainly cause I want to feel this, I need to feel this. I miss my son, I miss my cat, I miss my bird, I miss my parents marriage, I miss the people my husband and I were on Jan. 1 2008. We were so happy, only 2 more months and we should had been meeting our son, instead God had different plants for only 20 days later we met him, he came into this world sleeping... We buried him on Jan. 27, 2008, 3 months later in April, April 19 to be exact my brother attempted suicide,April 27, 3 months to the day of Tristan's funeral, Frodo, our precious little cat died, June 16, my mother and father get into their final fight, my mother's arm is broken, their getting a divorce, Today, we woke up to our budgie, our parakeet, our sweet and LOUD Beowulf.... gone......when does it end, also this year, we've dealt with immense grief, to the point it's causing my wonderful and loving husband to have severe anxiety......... I just want a break, and everyone wonders why I have such headaches, such a weight gain get out and exercise they say. You need to get out more, why in the hell did this entire year have to be so damned hard?? Why can't the pain lesson, why is when the pain does start lessoning why does something else have to come up to make that pain so raw again? What have we done to deserve this?? I can't stand it, I just want to climb up on my roof and scream to the heavens ENOUGH IS ENOUGH!!! I've suffered enough Father, I'm on my knees begging for relief please stop this pain!!! Please please stop taking everyone, and every loved pet from me!!!

I'm sorry for my crazy ramblings, I just can't for the life of me understand what is going on, and why do I feel like my little family here is being picked on?? This has been one of the worst years of my life!! My 2 years of marriage has endured a lot we've been put through some tough tests!! I hope this indicates a part of our future you know the security, and stability part of our future, we have certainly made it through some times that would seperate some couples.......

I just do know that something has to give, I pray nightly that the Lord will hold us always....

Beowulf the Budgie






A perfect bird, he was so awesome, he passed away this morning sometime in the early hours.... He was so amazing and did things that most parakeets don't do. He surpassed so many obstacles. He was awesome!! He was beautiful!! He was 8 years old. A parakeet has a normal life expectancy of 8-10 years, so he fulfilled his lifespan. We had hoped for longer time with him. But I know now he's flying so high, he isn't flying in circles anymore, yes he flew in circles!! And never was graceful at landing, lol.. He would headbang to Metallica, when OU played he tried so hard to whistle the fightsong with me, he would get so excited... When he wanted more millet he would let ya know in not such a happy voice.. He was the most beautiful blue!! He would talk to us, told us he was a pretty bird.. Tell us he loved us.. Gave us kisses.. Beowulf was special, he will and was the most awesome bird ever!! I've never had a bird before him, and will probably be the only bird I own,(don't know yet) we will forever love our budgie boy!!

Beowulf we love you sweet budgie, you're our pretty boy today, and forever!!

Beowulf the Budgie






A perfect bird, he was so awesome, he passed away this morning sometime in the early hours.... He was so amazing and did things that most parakeets don't do. He surpassed so many obstacles. He was awesome!! He was beautiful!! He was 8 years old. A parakeet has a normal life expectancy of 8-10 years, so he fulfilled his lifespan. We had hoped for longer time with him. But I know now he's flying so high, he isn't flying in circles anymore, yes he flew in circles!! And never was graceful at landing, lol.. He would headbang to Metallica, when OU played he tried so hard to whistle the fightsong with me, he would get so excited... When he wanted more millet he would let ya know in not such a happy voice.. He was the most beautiful blue!! He would talk to us, told us he was a pretty bird.. Tell us he loved us.. Gave us kisses.. Beowulf was special, he will and was the most awesome bird ever!! I've never had a bird before him, and will probably be the only bird I own,(don't know yet) we will forever love our budgie boy!!

Beowulf we love you sweet budgie, you're our pretty boy today, and forever!!

Monday, November 24, 2008

Feeling lost


I've felt lost these last few weeks, I couldn't put my thoughts out on the screen, I can't sleep.. I've been dealing with tons of headaches, and personally I think they're from the insomnia, and tension, I've been really oh what's the word, anticipating, there we go, I've been really anticipating the upcoming holiday's. I do hope that what they say is true, that the anticipation is the worst.. I hate that my little guy isn't here, even if he'd of been born on time in March, I was prepared that Tristan would be old enough to eat mash potato's, green beans, some turkey, I think he would have been just like his daddy, and eaten a little of everything. I was so anxious for the day after Thanksgiving to see his little eye's light up when we brought the tree out and started putting up all the pretty lights, except now, my house is in disarray, I have no motivation, and no want...

This year is weird on so many levels, my son is gone that's the worst. My parents are seperated and divorcing, so this Thanksgiving is really different, I won't be spending it with my family like we do every year, so instead of having my whole family over for dinner because I'm the traditional host of Thanksgiving dinner, only my mom and little brother will be coming over, yes I succumbed to still be the host, I want to continue living, but another part of me really really just wants to stay in bed, under the covers.. I will do my cooking, usually by now, I've got cookies done etc. I have NOTHING but the shopping done.. I hate this..

Now what am I thankful for? I'm so very thankful that God has allowed me to live and that he didn't take me and our son away from my husband. I'm thankful the Good Lord has blessed me with a wonderful loving husband, I'm thankful that He has supplied us with our basic needs, and a roof over our head. I'm very thankful that God has given me stability..

I'm sad for many reason's too, so does that counteract the thankfulness? I'd like to think no, but my mind isn't always sane in thinking.....
I'm sad my son is dead, I'm sad that my parents are getting a divorce, I'm sad that my father would rather spend Thanksgiving with his girlfriend, (or as he told me once his "new" family) rather than his kids.. I'm sad that my husband is dealing with so much anxiety. I'm sad that I can't sleep, I'm sad that I have headaches every day along with back pain and tension. I'm sad that instead of celebrating Thanksgiving with a 10 month old little boy, I'm celebrating another Thanksgiving with no children...
I'm sad that my bird is fallen ill, and will probably not make it through the end of the week. I will be very blessed and thankful if he does, he's only 8!!


Tristan, I love you so very much, your daddy and I think of you often, infact Creed's arms wide open, we have the hardest time listening to that song now, it has such different meaning to us. You were our everything son, you were our dreams. There isn't a day go by without you in our hearts. I hate that we can't spend this time with you, I hate that I have to send kisses to heaven instead of planting them on you myself. I would give anything to just hold you in my arms again, to see your daddy hold you. That kills me, I NEVER got to see you in your daddy's arms, except once, and that was the final time we got to say goodbye, I had such a hard time touching you you were freezing cold, you had been in the freezer, but we kissed your beautiful cold lips, and that my son is the only time I seen your daddy hold you, even though he was the first to hold you, I didn't get to see that because the dr's were working on saving mommy... I know you're close, we feel you in our spirits we feel you in our hearts.. You Tristan will forever be our first born, and we will NEVER allow anyone to forget you.. We will teach your brother's and sister's about you from the very beginning.. We know we have a special little angel in you watching over us.. We will forever love you sweet heart..
Love you forever,
mommy and daddy..

Feeling lost


I've felt lost these last few weeks, I couldn't put my thoughts out on the screen, I can't sleep.. I've been dealing with tons of headaches, and personally I think they're from the insomnia, and tension, I've been really oh what's the word, anticipating, there we go, I've been really anticipating the upcoming holiday's. I do hope that what they say is true, that the anticipation is the worst.. I hate that my little guy isn't here, even if he'd of been born on time in March, I was prepared that Tristan would be old enough to eat mash potato's, green beans, some turkey, I think he would have been just like his daddy, and eaten a little of everything. I was so anxious for the day after Thanksgiving to see his little eye's light up when we brought the tree out and started putting up all the pretty lights, except now, my house is in disarray, I have no motivation, and no want...

This year is weird on so many levels, my son is gone that's the worst. My parents are seperated and divorcing, so this Thanksgiving is really different, I won't be spending it with my family like we do every year, so instead of having my whole family over for dinner because I'm the traditional host of Thanksgiving dinner, only my mom and little brother will be coming over, yes I succumbed to still be the host, I want to continue living, but another part of me really really just wants to stay in bed, under the covers.. I will do my cooking, usually by now, I've got cookies done etc. I have NOTHING but the shopping done.. I hate this..

Now what am I thankful for? I'm so very thankful that God has allowed me to live and that he didn't take me and our son away from my husband. I'm thankful the Good Lord has blessed me with a wonderful loving husband, I'm thankful that He has supplied us with our basic needs, and a roof over our head. I'm very thankful that God has given me stability..

I'm sad for many reason's too, so does that counteract the thankfulness? I'd like to think no, but my mind isn't always sane in thinking.....
I'm sad my son is dead, I'm sad that my parents are getting a divorce, I'm sad that my father would rather spend Thanksgiving with his girlfriend, (or as he told me once his "new" family) rather than his kids.. I'm sad that my husband is dealing with so much anxiety. I'm sad that I can't sleep, I'm sad that I have headaches every day along with back pain and tension. I'm sad that instead of celebrating Thanksgiving with a 10 month old little boy, I'm celebrating another Thanksgiving with no children...
I'm sad that my bird is fallen ill, and will probably not make it through the end of the week. I will be very blessed and thankful if he does, he's only 8!!


Tristan, I love you so very much, your daddy and I think of you often, infact Creed's arms wide open, we have the hardest time listening to that song now, it has such different meaning to us. You were our everything son, you were our dreams. There isn't a day go by without you in our hearts. I hate that we can't spend this time with you, I hate that I have to send kisses to heaven instead of planting them on you myself. I would give anything to just hold you in my arms again, to see your daddy hold you. That kills me, I NEVER got to see you in your daddy's arms, except once, and that was the final time we got to say goodbye, I had such a hard time touching you you were freezing cold, you had been in the freezer, but we kissed your beautiful cold lips, and that my son is the only time I seen your daddy hold you, even though he was the first to hold you, I didn't get to see that because the dr's were working on saving mommy... I know you're close, we feel you in our spirits we feel you in our hearts.. You Tristan will forever be our first born, and we will NEVER allow anyone to forget you.. We will teach your brother's and sister's about you from the very beginning.. We know we have a special little angel in you watching over us.. We will forever love you sweet heart..
Love you forever,
mommy and daddy..

Thursday, November 20, 2008

Why?

So today is the day before what would have been your 10 month birthday.... I love you so much, and I miss you terribly....I can't fathom what the holiday's are going to be like it's killing me inside.....
I have tons more I want to say, but can't seem to get the words out right now.. Just know that daddy and I love you so much, and wish that you were in our arms...... I miss you...

Why?

So today is the day before what would have been your 10 month birthday.... I love you so much, and I miss you terribly....I can't fathom what the holiday's are going to be like it's killing me inside.....
I have tons more I want to say, but can't seem to get the words out right now.. Just know that daddy and I love you so much, and wish that you were in our arms...... I miss you...

Monday, November 17, 2008

A Poem from a beautiful mommy.....

A Mother's Love
A mother's heart is never empty.
From the time she knows, 'til the day she dies, she loves them all.
She never forgets those who were lost.
She always remembers each of her children.

A mother's arms may be empty, but she remembers every feeling.
She remembers the joy she felt, the sorrow she experienced,
all for her children. She would give her life if that were an option.

A mother's love is never ending,
From the moment she learns, as her child grows.
They tell her to forget, but she cannot. They tell her to wait,
but she will not. Only she knows, she and God.

She will see them one day. The angel will stand before her,
holding a precious bundle, telling her
to open her arms to the child she loved, lost,
and has found again. She will cry tears of joy.
Knowing the child will grow up without pain, without sorrow.
And she now has the chance she didn't before,
To express the love she feels for her child,
to thank God for this precious gift.
Stephanie Kay Suranyi

Copyright ©2008 Stephanie Kay Suranyi




Stephanie, thank you so very much, this poem says it all the emotion, the feeling and the sorrow a mother feels.. Thank you for allowing me to post this, and thank you so very much for sharing with me. You are an amazing writer, and an amazing soul!! Thank you...

A Poem from a beautiful mommy.....

A Mother's Love
A mother's heart is never empty.
From the time she knows, 'til the day she dies, she loves them all.
She never forgets those who were lost.
She always remembers each of her children.

A mother's arms may be empty, but she remembers every feeling.
She remembers the joy she felt, the sorrow she experienced,
all for her children. She would give her life if that were an option.

A mother's love is never ending,
From the moment she learns, as her child grows.
They tell her to forget, but she cannot. They tell her to wait,
but she will not. Only she knows, she and God.

She will see them one day. The angel will stand before her,
holding a precious bundle, telling her
to open her arms to the child she loved, lost,
and has found again. She will cry tears of joy.
Knowing the child will grow up without pain, without sorrow.
And she now has the chance she didn't before,
To express the love she feels for her child,
to thank God for this precious gift.
Stephanie Kay Suranyi

Copyright ©2008 Stephanie Kay Suranyi




Stephanie, thank you so very much, this poem says it all the emotion, the feeling and the sorrow a mother feels.. Thank you for allowing me to post this, and thank you so very much for sharing with me. You are an amazing writer, and an amazing soul!! Thank you...

Friday, October 31, 2008

Happy Halloween, or is it????


Today would have been Tristan's first halloween I'm sad cause I was really looking forward to dressing him up as a little lobster also this means that the "real" holidays are coming, as is his 1st birthday.. I hate these firsts, why us? Why anyone? I know that he's getting the best sweets today, and I'm kinda jealous of Jesus, cause Jesus gets to take my little guy trick or treating to all the other angels. I know my son is in good hands.......

Well son, mommy loves you and God knows I miss you terribly. I wish like nothing else in this world that you were here today.... Daddy and I miss you so much, we love you more than anything in this world!! You are our light, you are our saving grace son... YOU have been such in inspiration to so many!! I love you sweet boy!!

Happy Halloween, or is it????


Today would have been Tristan's first halloween I'm sad cause I was really looking forward to dressing him up as a little lobster also this means that the "real" holidays are coming, as is his 1st birthday.. I hate these firsts, why us? Why anyone? I know that he's getting the best sweets today, and I'm kinda jealous of Jesus, cause Jesus gets to take my little guy trick or treating to all the other angels. I know my son is in good hands.......

Well son, mommy loves you and God knows I miss you terribly. I wish like nothing else in this world that you were here today.... Daddy and I miss you so much, we love you more than anything in this world!! You are our light, you are our saving grace son... YOU have been such in inspiration to so many!! I love you sweet boy!!

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

9 months......


9 months, wow, that is a long time, yet such a short time.. 9 months ago today I held the most beautiful child in my arms, my son... He would have been trying to walk, definately eating solid food, talking. I honestly can say I'm in a much different place today than I was a month ago, or even 9 months ago.. Although that pain and feeling is still so very very fresh in my mind, I know that I'm healing, and I have God to thank for that! I realize now that it wasn't God who took our son, it was the enemy trying to make me hate God!! I realize that now, it took me a while, but it's true! There isn't a time, a day, a second that goes by that Tristan isn't on my mind. I have been blessed with that little guy, and I've been blessed with a beautiful memory of a sweet angel.. I do know that without the Lord on my side I wouldn't have been able to make it this far. This last 9 months has been hell, but we've come out on top, and are really really ready to move forward, and become parents again, I know that Tristan is busy helping Jesus to pick out that perfect soul for his daddy and I.. I trust that!!


Tristan today on your 9 month birthday sweetheart know that mommy and daddy loves you so very very much, we miss you every second of every day, and we know you're with us always! Be strong sweetie, mommy will be there one day to hold you again, but this time, I know you'll open your eyes, and you'll breath in that heavenly air!! I love you sweetie, mommy loves you so so much Tristan!

9 months......


9 months, wow, that is a long time, yet such a short time.. 9 months ago today I held the most beautiful child in my arms, my son... He would have been trying to walk, definately eating solid food, talking. I honestly can say I'm in a much different place today than I was a month ago, or even 9 months ago.. Although that pain and feeling is still so very very fresh in my mind, I know that I'm healing, and I have God to thank for that! I realize now that it wasn't God who took our son, it was the enemy trying to make me hate God!! I realize that now, it took me a while, but it's true! There isn't a time, a day, a second that goes by that Tristan isn't on my mind. I have been blessed with that little guy, and I've been blessed with a beautiful memory of a sweet angel.. I do know that without the Lord on my side I wouldn't have been able to make it this far. This last 9 months has been hell, but we've come out on top, and are really really ready to move forward, and become parents again, I know that Tristan is busy helping Jesus to pick out that perfect soul for his daddy and I.. I trust that!!


Tristan today on your 9 month birthday sweetheart know that mommy and daddy loves you so very very much, we miss you every second of every day, and we know you're with us always! Be strong sweetie, mommy will be there one day to hold you again, but this time, I know you'll open your eyes, and you'll breath in that heavenly air!! I love you sweetie, mommy loves you so so much Tristan!

Wednesday, October 1, 2008

Everywhere I go, Every where I turn

There another woman is that is pregnant, or there is another infant or baby there, every where, even in my virtual life. I promise you, I've known of 3 births, and 5 pregnancies and 1 miscarriage.. I just want it to be me again, I want to be pregnant again, I want to feel life inside of me. I want to bring that life home to raise, and teach about Jesus, and life, and love.

I don't mean to sound like a spoiled brat, or ungreatful for what I've been given, however I would love a living baby. I'm so very greatful that the Lord allowed me to know and love my son for the beautiful 33 weeks. Now almost 9 months later, I want to be pregnant again, I want to be a mommy. All of my friends are getting pregnant, or getting their live rainbow babies, and I'm so very thrilled and beyone ecstatic for them, but where's mine? When is it my turn? What does everyone else have that we don't have?

I can't say that I'm not a little jealous cause then I would be lying, I'm totally jealous, 8 months ago my son was born still, I at least thought I would be pregnant by now. But alas here I am still trying. Although truthfully I wasn't fully trying but only for 3 months now. We weren't preventing though, which shows me that I'll never get pg by surprise.. How awesome that would be.


Now on to other area's of my life, I've practically been away from the computer since Monday 9.22.08, I've been helping my mother move out of what used to be my parents home. You see, after 28 years of marriage my parents are divorcing. Things don't always work out for everyone I guess, I know it's been really hard on my mom. I can't really tell from my dad as he never shows emotion. Well things haven't been the best for some time now between them and things did turn violent over time, and ended with my mom getting her wrist broke, I wasn't there so I don't know fully what happened, but I do know that no matter what happened, NO bones should have been broken, nor should they have had to end on this bad of a note. I think sometimes there are some people that just kinda grow apart, instead of together and as sad as it is, I know that my momma will laugh again, she will/can live again, and be herself. She can decorate her house any way that she wants to without having to ask "can I?" I know things are going to be better it's just hard seeing it all unfold.. Watching/helping her pack her belongings was most definately one of the hardest things I've ever had to do..


Oh and on my trying to conceive note, Aaron and I were both kinda sick and busy during my fertile week so no ttc this cycle, I think we made love once and that was 4 days before time!! So although there's a slight chance I doubt/nor do I think I will be seeing anything but good ol' aunt flo this month. But that's cool, cause then we get to have a little halloween fun, and make a lil' pumpkin of our own!!

Everywhere I go, Every where I turn

There another woman is that is pregnant, or there is another infant or baby there, every where, even in my virtual life. I promise you, I've known of 3 births, and 5 pregnancies and 1 miscarriage.. I just want it to be me again, I want to be pregnant again, I want to feel life inside of me. I want to bring that life home to raise, and teach about Jesus, and life, and love.

I don't mean to sound like a spoiled brat, or ungreatful for what I've been given, however I would love a living baby. I'm so very greatful that the Lord allowed me to know and love my son for the beautiful 33 weeks. Now almost 9 months later, I want to be pregnant again, I want to be a mommy. All of my friends are getting pregnant, or getting their live rainbow babies, and I'm so very thrilled and beyone ecstatic for them, but where's mine? When is it my turn? What does everyone else have that we don't have?

I can't say that I'm not a little jealous cause then I would be lying, I'm totally jealous, 8 months ago my son was born still, I at least thought I would be pregnant by now. But alas here I am still trying. Although truthfully I wasn't fully trying but only for 3 months now. We weren't preventing though, which shows me that I'll never get pg by surprise.. How awesome that would be.


Now on to other area's of my life, I've practically been away from the computer since Monday 9.22.08, I've been helping my mother move out of what used to be my parents home. You see, after 28 years of marriage my parents are divorcing. Things don't always work out for everyone I guess, I know it's been really hard on my mom. I can't really tell from my dad as he never shows emotion. Well things haven't been the best for some time now between them and things did turn violent over time, and ended with my mom getting her wrist broke, I wasn't there so I don't know fully what happened, but I do know that no matter what happened, NO bones should have been broken, nor should they have had to end on this bad of a note. I think sometimes there are some people that just kinda grow apart, instead of together and as sad as it is, I know that my momma will laugh again, she will/can live again, and be herself. She can decorate her house any way that she wants to without having to ask "can I?" I know things are going to be better it's just hard seeing it all unfold.. Watching/helping her pack her belongings was most definately one of the hardest things I've ever had to do..


Oh and on my trying to conceive note, Aaron and I were both kinda sick and busy during my fertile week so no ttc this cycle, I think we made love once and that was 4 days before time!! So although there's a slight chance I doubt/nor do I think I will be seeing anything but good ol' aunt flo this month. But that's cool, cause then we get to have a little halloween fun, and make a lil' pumpkin of our own!!

Thursday, September 11, 2008

I MISS YOU


How do I go on? Why do I go on? Why did you leave me? Did I do something to anger you? I don't understand. God say's he's all about love, yet he took you away from me. God says he don't put more on you that you can handle, yet he took you away from me. God also states that he don't want to see us hurt, yet again he took you away from me. I'm angry. It's not fair, you've got girls out here that's herione addicts, meth addicts, alcoholics, and they're babies live. Why not mine? I did NOTHING wrong.. Why did God allow my body to fail you Tristan?? Why do we have to continuously suffer pain and anguish when there's people out there that don't deserve children, who kill their babies, throw them in dumpsters to die, abandon them, and they're blessed with a beautiful baby, it's not fair. We prayed and prayed for a healthy living child, yet God didn't answer those prayers, he did the opposite and took our precious living child away from us. What did I do God? Why don't you answer me? I've begged for an answer as to why? Why us? Why my Tristan??
I've asked you numerous times Lord what did I do?? Still you don't answer me. Are you so angry with me that you sit up there in silence when it comes to me and my prayers?? How have I angered you, what can I do to change it?? I just wanted our son, you blessed us with him for only 33 weeks, yes I'm greatful I got to know him that long, but I'm hurt, angry and confused as to why YOU father took him from me, his mother.. Do you not see me as a fit mom? Do you see me like my mother's?? Well I'm not them, I am NOT going to be the same mom.. Give me a chance Lord, let me prove to you that I will be the mother that you want me to be. A mother that teaches her babies about you, a mother that will love her children til the day you call me home, a mother that will not allow ANYONE to emotionally or physically hurt her children... I want to be the mother that you have invisioned and foreseen me to be. Lord I love you, but I'm so very angry with you for taking Tristan away from us. Please forgive me for being angry, I can't help it.

Tristan,
mommy loves you every second of every day, you were and are my every thought, my every feeling and my every emotion. I wish things would have been different, I wish that this halloween I was dressing up my little lobster. I wish that I was kissing those chubby little baby cheeks, and hearing you coo and say da da da da and ma ma ma ma, and any other little sounds and words you might be saying by now. I wish I was watching you crawl chasing after the kitties, and me chasing after you. I wish that I could see those big brown eyes, that beautiful little smile that I seen in your ultra sound. I wish, thats' all I can do, wish. I wish upon every star I see. I wish upon every dragon fly I see. You are my little dragon fly son, and I know you're busy playing with Frodo, but your daddy really needs to feel you close, can you please come visit daddy sweetie, and mommy too if you get the chance. I hope the reason we haven't had a visit is because you're up there helping Jesus pick out your little brother/sister.
baby mommy can't wait til it's my turn to come see you, when Jesus calls me home I can't wait to hold you in my arms again. I will forever remember how you felt in my arms, so perfect, yet so lifeless. I love you Tristan Alexander! I love you with my heart and soul!!

I MISS YOU


How do I go on? Why do I go on? Why did you leave me? Did I do something to anger you? I don't understand. God say's he's all about love, yet he took you away from me. God says he don't put more on you that you can handle, yet he took you away from me. God also states that he don't want to see us hurt, yet again he took you away from me. I'm angry. It's not fair, you've got girls out here that's herione addicts, meth addicts, alcoholics, and they're babies live. Why not mine? I did NOTHING wrong.. Why did God allow my body to fail you Tristan?? Why do we have to continuously suffer pain and anguish when there's people out there that don't deserve children, who kill their babies, throw them in dumpsters to die, abandon them, and they're blessed with a beautiful baby, it's not fair. We prayed and prayed for a healthy living child, yet God didn't answer those prayers, he did the opposite and took our precious living child away from us. What did I do God? Why don't you answer me? I've begged for an answer as to why? Why us? Why my Tristan??
I've asked you numerous times Lord what did I do?? Still you don't answer me. Are you so angry with me that you sit up there in silence when it comes to me and my prayers?? How have I angered you, what can I do to change it?? I just wanted our son, you blessed us with him for only 33 weeks, yes I'm greatful I got to know him that long, but I'm hurt, angry and confused as to why YOU father took him from me, his mother.. Do you not see me as a fit mom? Do you see me like my mother's?? Well I'm not them, I am NOT going to be the same mom.. Give me a chance Lord, let me prove to you that I will be the mother that you want me to be. A mother that teaches her babies about you, a mother that will love her children til the day you call me home, a mother that will not allow ANYONE to emotionally or physically hurt her children... I want to be the mother that you have invisioned and foreseen me to be. Lord I love you, but I'm so very angry with you for taking Tristan away from us. Please forgive me for being angry, I can't help it.

Tristan,
mommy loves you every second of every day, you were and are my every thought, my every feeling and my every emotion. I wish things would have been different, I wish that this halloween I was dressing up my little lobster. I wish that I was kissing those chubby little baby cheeks, and hearing you coo and say da da da da and ma ma ma ma, and any other little sounds and words you might be saying by now. I wish I was watching you crawl chasing after the kitties, and me chasing after you. I wish that I could see those big brown eyes, that beautiful little smile that I seen in your ultra sound. I wish, thats' all I can do, wish. I wish upon every star I see. I wish upon every dragon fly I see. You are my little dragon fly son, and I know you're busy playing with Frodo, but your daddy really needs to feel you close, can you please come visit daddy sweetie, and mommy too if you get the chance. I hope the reason we haven't had a visit is because you're up there helping Jesus pick out your little brother/sister.
baby mommy can't wait til it's my turn to come see you, when Jesus calls me home I can't wait to hold you in my arms again. I will forever remember how you felt in my arms, so perfect, yet so lifeless. I love you Tristan Alexander! I love you with my heart and soul!!

Monday, September 8, 2008

Little Angels



When God calls little children to dwell with Him above
We mortals sometimes question the wisdom of His love
For no heartache compares with the death of one small child
Who does so much to make our world seem wonderful and mild
Perhaps God tires of calling the aged to His fold
So he picks a rosebud before it can grow old
God knows how much we need them, and so He takes but a few
To make the land of Heaven more beautiful to view
Believing this is difficult still somehow we must try
The saddest word mankind knows will always be "Good-bye"
So when a little child departs, we who are left behind
Must realize God loves children. Angels are hard to find.


Author Unknown
Submitted by Katrina & Francis Rapposelli
In Loving Memory of Christina Elise
Stillborn October 20, 1996



I Miss Him


I miss him, the babe, the first born


In his personality he taught me real joy


I could not see his laughter or his smile


But I knew his happiness


I knew my son, my first-born boy.


I miss him my dream come true.


All the years of planning,


All the hopes of what and when


He would be came forth in him,


My beautiful boy with his eyes of brown*.


I miss him, the one I held that January* afternoon*,


No breath could I feel but yet I knew how alive he was.


Memories do not die nor do golden angels.


I'll remember him always


My babe, My son, my first born


~Phyllis Adams


* some words to the poem was changed to benefit Tristan,


*brown was blue


*January was August


*afternoon, was morn...






Oh Mother, My Mother

Oh Mother, my mother
I touch your tears,
Invisible fingers soothing your skin
I know you think of me so often
In the day, in the night, in your dreams
Going inot an empty nursery
Knowing I’ll never be there
But I am…in your heart, in your soul,
I shall always be
For you gave so unselfishly of yourself
Inside of you, you created
Such a world for me
A world of laughter, of love
Of sadness, of sorrow
Every emotion people come to know
You shared with me.
And even though I may never feel your arms around me
I felt your heart beating,
Like a lullaby, singing me to sleep.
And your spirit giving me a safe haven
Already protecting me, nurturing me
Preparing me for things to come
But sometimes the journey of life pulls souls apart
And yes, I had to go on to another place.
I wish I could stay
I wish this was a decision I could make
And I know you do too.
Know this, wherever you are:
I will always remember
that yours was the first love
the first joy, the first soul
I will ever know
You gave me courage to
Go on in my journey
I hope I can do the same for you
Your heart beat will always call me to you.

Author: Theresa Cochrane


Little Angels



When God calls little children to dwell with Him above
We mortals sometimes question the wisdom of His love
For no heartache compares with the death of one small child
Who does so much to make our world seem wonderful and mild
Perhaps God tires of calling the aged to His fold
So he picks a rosebud before it can grow old
God knows how much we need them, and so He takes but a few
To make the land of Heaven more beautiful to view
Believing this is difficult still somehow we must try
The saddest word mankind knows will always be "Good-bye"
So when a little child departs, we who are left behind
Must realize God loves children. Angels are hard to find.


Author Unknown
Submitted by Katrina & Francis Rapposelli
In Loving Memory of Christina Elise
Stillborn October 20, 1996



I Miss Him


I miss him, the babe, the first born


In his personality he taught me real joy


I could not see his laughter or his smile


But I knew his happiness


I knew my son, my first-born boy.


I miss him my dream come true.


All the years of planning,


All the hopes of what and when


He would be came forth in him,


My beautiful boy with his eyes of brown*.


I miss him, the one I held that January* afternoon*,


No breath could I feel but yet I knew how alive he was.


Memories do not die nor do golden angels.


I'll remember him always


My babe, My son, my first born


~Phyllis Adams


* some words to the poem was changed to benefit Tristan,


*brown was blue


*January was August


*afternoon, was morn...






Oh Mother, My Mother

Oh Mother, my mother
I touch your tears,
Invisible fingers soothing your skin
I know you think of me so often
In the day, in the night, in your dreams
Going inot an empty nursery
Knowing I’ll never be there
But I am…in your heart, in your soul,
I shall always be
For you gave so unselfishly of yourself
Inside of you, you created
Such a world for me
A world of laughter, of love
Of sadness, of sorrow
Every emotion people come to know
You shared with me.
And even though I may never feel your arms around me
I felt your heart beating,
Like a lullaby, singing me to sleep.
And your spirit giving me a safe haven
Already protecting me, nurturing me
Preparing me for things to come
But sometimes the journey of life pulls souls apart
And yes, I had to go on to another place.
I wish I could stay
I wish this was a decision I could make
And I know you do too.
Know this, wherever you are:
I will always remember
that yours was the first love
the first joy, the first soul
I will ever know
You gave me courage to
Go on in my journey
I hope I can do the same for you
Your heart beat will always call me to you.

Author: Theresa Cochrane


33 weeks

Tristan,
Hey buddy, how are you? Do you know how much mommy misses you? How much we love you? How much we yearn to hold you and kiss you? You've been gone for as long as we had you, and it's hard, it's so so hard baby, this is NOT the way our lives were supposed to be is it sweetie? Do you see me kiss your urn every morning and every night? Do you feel our love come to you on dragonfly wings? Is Jesus telling you all about us? Are you being a good boy for Maw Maw, papa, rainbow grandma? You're so so loved sweetie, you're so missed, everyone that knew you and even those who don't.. You're missed by so many people honey..

You've been gone for a very long 33 weeks, although some days it seems as though it were yesterday, we only got to know you for 33 weeks those were the most beautiful 33 weeks of mommies life, to feel you growing, rolling around, and kicking mommy, your little hiccups, God baby mommy misses all of that. I miss you so terribly much. My heart feels as though it's being held together by bandaids, and they're not holding very well. Because my heart feels as though it's ripping open all over again if that is even possible. 33 weeks ago, I never imagined that you would be ripped away from me as you were.

I know that God had other plans for you, and some days that angers me, it angers me because I had plans of being your mommy, of teaching how to be a man of God! Your daddy wanted to teach you to hunt, and to do all those manly things, shave, work, hunt, how to treat a lady. But instead God called you to be his special angel, he has so many plans for you, and us, I just wish that there was a way to know what these plans are. I wish there were a window into heaven so that I could see you playing, I want to see that beautiful little face of yours, I want to see you play, and run, and being a little boy.

Well sweet heart, as we approach your 8 month angel birthday, I sit here completely saddened, because you're not here, but as daddy say's we know that you don't always want to see us sad, but baby how do I be happy without you? Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas, all these wonderful holiday's approaching that we had plans for.....These are sad times for mommy...... I know it's the plans and expectations I grieve.

Son you are and always will be with mommy and daddy, you were and are our everything, you took a bit of my heart and soul with you when you left my sweet boy..
Loving you today, and always
Mommy

33 weeks

Tristan,
Hey buddy, how are you? Do you know how much mommy misses you? How much we love you? How much we yearn to hold you and kiss you? You've been gone for as long as we had you, and it's hard, it's so so hard baby, this is NOT the way our lives were supposed to be is it sweetie? Do you see me kiss your urn every morning and every night? Do you feel our love come to you on dragonfly wings? Is Jesus telling you all about us? Are you being a good boy for Maw Maw, papa, rainbow grandma? You're so so loved sweetie, you're so missed, everyone that knew you and even those who don't.. You're missed by so many people honey..

You've been gone for a very long 33 weeks, although some days it seems as though it were yesterday, we only got to know you for 33 weeks those were the most beautiful 33 weeks of mommies life, to feel you growing, rolling around, and kicking mommy, your little hiccups, God baby mommy misses all of that. I miss you so terribly much. My heart feels as though it's being held together by bandaids, and they're not holding very well. Because my heart feels as though it's ripping open all over again if that is even possible. 33 weeks ago, I never imagined that you would be ripped away from me as you were.

I know that God had other plans for you, and some days that angers me, it angers me because I had plans of being your mommy, of teaching how to be a man of God! Your daddy wanted to teach you to hunt, and to do all those manly things, shave, work, hunt, how to treat a lady. But instead God called you to be his special angel, he has so many plans for you, and us, I just wish that there was a way to know what these plans are. I wish there were a window into heaven so that I could see you playing, I want to see that beautiful little face of yours, I want to see you play, and run, and being a little boy.

Well sweet heart, as we approach your 8 month angel birthday, I sit here completely saddened, because you're not here, but as daddy say's we know that you don't always want to see us sad, but baby how do I be happy without you? Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas, all these wonderful holiday's approaching that we had plans for.....These are sad times for mommy...... I know it's the plans and expectations I grieve.

Son you are and always will be with mommy and daddy, you were and are our everything, you took a bit of my heart and soul with you when you left my sweet boy..
Loving you today, and always
Mommy

Sunday, August 24, 2008

A friend of mine posted this on the fullterm loss thread
Thank you to Karry, and to "mominterrupted ;p" I appreciate you both!!


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A friend of mine posted this on the fullterm loss thread
Thank you to Karry, and to "mominterrupted ;p" I appreciate you both!!


Photobucket

Friday, August 22, 2008

7 months old

Bouncing up and down
Learning to grab
Teething
Testing your authority
The beginnings of separation anxiety
Recognition skills
Figuring out how objects relate
Stimulating toys and games


According to baby center, these are the things that I'm missing out on.... I wish here were here so we could be experiencing them....... My goodness it feels as though only a few hours ago you were in my belly, when in all reality it's been a very very long 7 months..... You will always always be my monkey!! I love you Tristan, I love you so very very much!!

7 months old

Bouncing up and down
Learning to grab
Teething
Testing your authority
The beginnings of separation anxiety
Recognition skills
Figuring out how objects relate
Stimulating toys and games


According to baby center, these are the things that I'm missing out on.... I wish here were here so we could be experiencing them....... My goodness it feels as though only a few hours ago you were in my belly, when in all reality it's been a very very long 7 months..... You will always always be my monkey!! I love you Tristan, I love you so very very much!!

Wednesday, August 13, 2008

ttc and the sorrow that goes with it

You know I just wish it was easier, boy meets girl, boy marries girl, boy and girl have baby, yeah as we all know it don't work that way, there's a lot of heartache in this ttc journey, why?? Because first you have to worry about 1st trimester miscarriages, then when you think you're safe, no there's more 2nd and 3rd trimester losses than I've ever known imaginable.... Then it's ttc again, charting, pills, checking your cervix, oh oh oh your temp rose could I be pregnant?? Lets wait, for 2 weeks, then you see it, that dreaded temp drop, when you know your period is pending and knocking on your door... Why is it so hard?? Why when you want it so badly?? Then you have these immature idiots out here that oh I hate being pregnant?? Then why have sex, you know sex causes baby's, you have no job, no money, barely a place to live, and you complain at every single thing in your pregnancy, but you still have your baby....... Then you have people like me who loves being pregnant, didn't complain about anything, and I lost my precious son, who I wanted more than anything in this world.. And now trying to bring a little brother or sister in this world to raise, and I keep getting knocked down... Granted this is the first "official" ttc month, didn't mean we weren't half ass trying the last 4 months..... I don't see the justice and fairness at all?? I knew going into this ttc journey again would not be easy, but I never imagined that I would feel like this. I feel like just giving up, maybe God is telling me this is it, you're not supposed to be a mommy to living children, I feel like maybe I'm just a furbaby mommy..... I pray I'm meant for more than that, but right now this very moment I don't feel it, I just want so badly to have my family...

ttc and the sorrow that goes with it

You know I just wish it was easier, boy meets girl, boy marries girl, boy and girl have baby, yeah as we all know it don't work that way, there's a lot of heartache in this ttc journey, why?? Because first you have to worry about 1st trimester miscarriages, then when you think you're safe, no there's more 2nd and 3rd trimester losses than I've ever known imaginable.... Then it's ttc again, charting, pills, checking your cervix, oh oh oh your temp rose could I be pregnant?? Lets wait, for 2 weeks, then you see it, that dreaded temp drop, when you know your period is pending and knocking on your door... Why is it so hard?? Why when you want it so badly?? Then you have these immature idiots out here that oh I hate being pregnant?? Then why have sex, you know sex causes baby's, you have no job, no money, barely a place to live, and you complain at every single thing in your pregnancy, but you still have your baby....... Then you have people like me who loves being pregnant, didn't complain about anything, and I lost my precious son, who I wanted more than anything in this world.. And now trying to bring a little brother or sister in this world to raise, and I keep getting knocked down... Granted this is the first "official" ttc month, didn't mean we weren't half ass trying the last 4 months..... I don't see the justice and fairness at all?? I knew going into this ttc journey again would not be easy, but I never imagined that I would feel like this. I feel like just giving up, maybe God is telling me this is it, you're not supposed to be a mommy to living children, I feel like maybe I'm just a furbaby mommy..... I pray I'm meant for more than that, but right now this very moment I don't feel it, I just want so badly to have my family...

Wednesday, August 6, 2008

The song we had sung at Tristan's memorial

The song Amazing Grace is the song that we chose to have played for our son, listening to the song there are words to that song that make me weep!! The Lord has promised good to me... Where is my good, HE took my good from me, HE took my son.. I miss my son so badly how is that good??


The Lord has promised good to me...
His word my hope secures.
He will my shield and portion be...
as long as life endures.




"Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound,
That saved a wretch like me....
I once was lost but now am found,
Was blind, but now, I see.



T'was Grace that taught...
my heart to fear.
And Grace, my fears relieved.
How precious did that Grace appear...
the hour I first believed.



Through many dangers, toils and snares...
we have already come.
T'was Grace that brought us safe thus far...
and Grace will lead us home.



The Lord has promised good to me...
His word my hope secures.
He will my shield and portion be...
as long as life endures.



When we've been here ten thousand years...
bright shining as the sun.
We've no less days to sing God's praise...
then when we've first begun.



"Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound,
That saved a wretch like me....
I once was lost but now am found,
Was blind, but now, I see.

The song we had sung at Tristan's memorial

The song Amazing Grace is the song that we chose to have played for our son, listening to the song there are words to that song that make me weep!! The Lord has promised good to me... Where is my good, HE took my good from me, HE took my son.. I miss my son so badly how is that good??


The Lord has promised good to me...
His word my hope secures.
He will my shield and portion be...
as long as life endures.




"Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound,
That saved a wretch like me....
I once was lost but now am found,
Was blind, but now, I see.



T'was Grace that taught...
my heart to fear.
And Grace, my fears relieved.
How precious did that Grace appear...
the hour I first believed.



Through many dangers, toils and snares...
we have already come.
T'was Grace that brought us safe thus far...
and Grace will lead us home.



The Lord has promised good to me...
His word my hope secures.
He will my shield and portion be...
as long as life endures.



When we've been here ten thousand years...
bright shining as the sun.
We've no less days to sing God's praise...
then when we've first begun.



"Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound,
That saved a wretch like me....
I once was lost but now am found,
Was blind, but now, I see.

Friday, August 1, 2008

nightmares

So I keep having the same stupid nightmare the same one since the night of losing Tristan, where the nurses are taking my crying son and running and I can't find them, why can't I find them, Why is Tristan crying and I can't find him?? Why are they doing this to me??

Then I wake in a sweat realizing that it's only a nightmare, that my son is dead. Wow talk about a v8 slap in the head, my son's dead..... WHY??????



OK now on to another topic, marriage.......

My parents are getting a divorce, today would have been their 28th wedding anniversary, how does that happen. How do things turn like this, how do they go sour? Why?? I for the life of me can't wrap my brain around all the hurt and anxiety I've felt the last 6 months, lets see
January 21, 2008, placental abruption, Tristan dies and I almost die
April 19, 2008 the day before my 30th bday, my brother tried committing suicide
April 27, 2008 my favorite cat Frodo, died... (why does those I love the most leave me??)
June 16, 2008 my mothers arm gets broke from an altercation between her and my dad.
July 10,2008 my mother filed for divorce.
July 22, 2008 my husband was admitted into the hospital for his heart rate
July 23, 2008 my husband comes home
July 24, 2008 we go to the cardiologist where he's diagnosed with hypertriglyceremia
July 26, 2008, we're back in the ER, can't get his heartrate to slow, and he's feeling funny
July 27, 2008, still feels funny but we have my bff daughter's 1 year birthday, where I'm photographing the entire event.
July 28, he takes himself of his meds

Now he's feeling somewhat better, we're doing this with diet and excercise and he's doing amazing.......

We are officially ttc again, this is our first month trying I'm really praying that the Good Lord above sees our struggles and will give us a break and allow us to have a living child come home for us to raise in His name....

nightmares

So I keep having the same stupid nightmare the same one since the night of losing Tristan, where the nurses are taking my crying son and running and I can't find them, why can't I find them, Why is Tristan crying and I can't find him?? Why are they doing this to me??

Then I wake in a sweat realizing that it's only a nightmare, that my son is dead. Wow talk about a v8 slap in the head, my son's dead..... WHY??????



OK now on to another topic, marriage.......

My parents are getting a divorce, today would have been their 28th wedding anniversary, how does that happen. How do things turn like this, how do they go sour? Why?? I for the life of me can't wrap my brain around all the hurt and anxiety I've felt the last 6 months, lets see
January 21, 2008, placental abruption, Tristan dies and I almost die
April 19, 2008 the day before my 30th bday, my brother tried committing suicide
April 27, 2008 my favorite cat Frodo, died... (why does those I love the most leave me??)
June 16, 2008 my mothers arm gets broke from an altercation between her and my dad.
July 10,2008 my mother filed for divorce.
July 22, 2008 my husband was admitted into the hospital for his heart rate
July 23, 2008 my husband comes home
July 24, 2008 we go to the cardiologist where he's diagnosed with hypertriglyceremia
July 26, 2008, we're back in the ER, can't get his heartrate to slow, and he's feeling funny
July 27, 2008, still feels funny but we have my bff daughter's 1 year birthday, where I'm photographing the entire event.
July 28, he takes himself of his meds

Now he's feeling somewhat better, we're doing this with diet and excercise and he's doing amazing.......

We are officially ttc again, this is our first month trying I'm really praying that the Good Lord above sees our struggles and will give us a break and allow us to have a living child come home for us to raise in His name....

Thursday, July 24, 2008

Monday I was just here, a hard day emotionally, but anyhoo, then Tuesday my mother was here all day, so no computer for me, then that evening when I sat down to get online, my baby informs me we need to go to the hospital, he's not feeling well, heart rate really high, throwing up, nausea, a slight pain in his chest (as you can imagine I'm thinking the worst at this point) well we get there and get right back ( I put chest pains on the sign in) well his resting h/b was 125 bpm, too high even for anxiety...so they had him stay over night for observation, well we get home Wednesday morning after the cardiologist's nurse practioner came to see him, and prescribed him some xanex and scheduled us an appt for this morning well we get there and the dr. tells us that his ekg was spiked a little bit but nothing to worry bout too much (if you know me at all I'm beyond scared at this point) and normal triglyceride levels should be 150 or less his are above 1000, NOT GOOD!! The dr did tell us that it's genetic, so more than likely our children will be at risk for hypertriglyceremia right now they have him on lipofen, and we go on the 6th for a nuclear stress test, on the 14th for poss. more test, and then the 21st for loads of blood work to make sure the meds are working.....Since losing Tristan, I can't say that I trust anyone when they tell me he will be fine, you see everyone told me I was bringing Tristan home and look that didn't happen...I can't lose my husband, I love him so much, he's my best friend, my confidant, my soul mate, he's my baby. He's everything I've ever dreamt of, there's no way that I could live without him... Well I wasn't able to sleep without letting ya'll know the full deal.....I'm ready for a break, it's about time we deserve a damn break, for 2 years everything has been just ugh......And you know it's sad that we've only been married for 2 years and it's been a shitty 2 years with all the losses, my brothers attempted suicide, his grandpa passing, my cat,financial strss, my parents divorcing and now this....I am not saying that all of the 2 years has been bad, I mean I did get to marry my very best friend.. But I can say that our 2 years of marriage has seriously been tested...You know I know you're not supposed to ask how much is one person to take?? How much more can we take.?? How much more is going to be placed on us before we're to crack? How much more is HE going to test our faith?? I'm going to copy this post and put it in my blog (of course edited some) but we're still on for this cycle so that's giving us something to look forward to....









I just can't believe the way our life is going, but guess what even through all this shit we've over come, we're sooo much closer than ever before, so you know they say the enemy is a powerful creature, he's only as powerful as you allow him to be ya know?? Yeah the things that he brings into our lives might bring us down, but I'll be damned if I let it ruin us/me..I've had a hell of a life, and you know I thought and prayed that when Aaron and I got married all the bad shit that seemed to find me would stop, that we together would get past it all and not have to worry about it.. Can somebody please tell me that all this bad shit is going to stop, that there will be nothing but things to look forward too, and happiness come back into our lives?? I mean come on already, HOW MUCH MORE DO WE HAVE TO TAKE????????? We try to do right and still get everything ripped right out of us, but the local crack heads, get it all?? They get their babies, their everything, (this is only a freaking metaphor) You know I just don't get it....When is it our time, our turn?? Can someone please tell me?? How do 2 people have so much heartache in as little as 2 years, but really the most of it the last 6 months.....in the last 6 months my son dies, my brother tries to die, and my parents marriage dies.....enough death?? No well go back 2 years ago, my first son dies, then a blighted ovum, then finally get pg, only for him to die too..Aaron's grandfather died, my step grandfather died, enough death already, seriously enough....I can't take anymore!!!
Monday I was just here, a hard day emotionally, but anyhoo, then Tuesday my mother was here all day, so no computer for me, then that evening when I sat down to get online, my baby informs me we need to go to the hospital, he's not feeling well, heart rate really high, throwing up, nausea, a slight pain in his chest (as you can imagine I'm thinking the worst at this point) well we get there and get right back ( I put chest pains on the sign in) well his resting h/b was 125 bpm, too high even for anxiety...so they had him stay over night for observation, well we get home Wednesday morning after the cardiologist's nurse practioner came to see him, and prescribed him some xanex and scheduled us an appt for this morning well we get there and the dr. tells us that his ekg was spiked a little bit but nothing to worry bout too much (if you know me at all I'm beyond scared at this point) and normal triglyceride levels should be 150 or less his are above 1000, NOT GOOD!! The dr did tell us that it's genetic, so more than likely our children will be at risk for hypertriglyceremia right now they have him on lipofen, and we go on the 6th for a nuclear stress test, on the 14th for poss. more test, and then the 21st for loads of blood work to make sure the meds are working.....Since losing Tristan, I can't say that I trust anyone when they tell me he will be fine, you see everyone told me I was bringing Tristan home and look that didn't happen...I can't lose my husband, I love him so much, he's my best friend, my confidant, my soul mate, he's my baby. He's everything I've ever dreamt of, there's no way that I could live without him... Well I wasn't able to sleep without letting ya'll know the full deal.....I'm ready for a break, it's about time we deserve a damn break, for 2 years everything has been just ugh......And you know it's sad that we've only been married for 2 years and it's been a shitty 2 years with all the losses, my brothers attempted suicide, his grandpa passing, my cat,financial strss, my parents divorcing and now this....I am not saying that all of the 2 years has been bad, I mean I did get to marry my very best friend.. But I can say that our 2 years of marriage has seriously been tested...You know I know you're not supposed to ask how much is one person to take?? How much more can we take.?? How much more is going to be placed on us before we're to crack? How much more is HE going to test our faith?? I'm going to copy this post and put it in my blog (of course edited some) but we're still on for this cycle so that's giving us something to look forward to....









I just can't believe the way our life is going, but guess what even through all this shit we've over come, we're sooo much closer than ever before, so you know they say the enemy is a powerful creature, he's only as powerful as you allow him to be ya know?? Yeah the things that he brings into our lives might bring us down, but I'll be damned if I let it ruin us/me..I've had a hell of a life, and you know I thought and prayed that when Aaron and I got married all the bad shit that seemed to find me would stop, that we together would get past it all and not have to worry about it.. Can somebody please tell me that all this bad shit is going to stop, that there will be nothing but things to look forward too, and happiness come back into our lives?? I mean come on already, HOW MUCH MORE DO WE HAVE TO TAKE????????? We try to do right and still get everything ripped right out of us, but the local crack heads, get it all?? They get their babies, their everything, (this is only a freaking metaphor) You know I just don't get it....When is it our time, our turn?? Can someone please tell me?? How do 2 people have so much heartache in as little as 2 years, but really the most of it the last 6 months.....in the last 6 months my son dies, my brother tries to die, and my parents marriage dies.....enough death?? No well go back 2 years ago, my first son dies, then a blighted ovum, then finally get pg, only for him to die too..Aaron's grandfather died, my step grandfather died, enough death already, seriously enough....I can't take anymore!!!

Rest in Peace Mommy

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