The day is Saturday, April 9,2016. Sitting by a fire roasting hotdogs, my husband and I embarked on a very deep, personal, painful conversation. This conversation is something we both had been having in our own minds, but speaking for myself
I found it tough to voice out loud for the finality of it was deafening. Finally after being lost in my thoughts as they're screaming to be let out, I tell my husband that I feel that our time to be parents has come to a painful end. That I am only getting older, my eggs are surely dying, and God has likely forgot about us. And crazily, his mind has been in the same place, that this is NEVER going to happen. The only children we will ever have are dead.
We talked like we haven't talked in a while about a subject we both had high hopes for. I never knew what was more painful, seeing the negative tests followed by my period, or seeing the heartache as dreams shattered in my husbands eyes. The hardest part now, will be actually letting go of the routine cycle checking, and excitement when ovulation was near. How do you forget the signs your body gives?!
We talked about many things, one of which is our current situation, the oilfield, layoffs, financial hardships, and the cost of raising kids, IVF, IUI, and yes, even adoption.. there is no light at the end of the tunnel showing hope. There is no promise of these financial woes ever ending. So, how stupid must I be to even consider having children. How stupid to live in a fairy tale that we will actually see a happy ending with children in it. Now, we start over in a sense, as the last 10 years has been focusing on starting a family. There are lots of things for a married couple without kids to be happy about right?? I mean, we don't have to share each other, we don't have to worry about sitters (except for furbabies). We get to spend the rest of our lives alone and loving each other deeply, whats better than that right??
So, with that said, our journey to be parents is over, indefinitely at this point, as we truly have NO clue to what the future really holds.